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I’m 27, and for the past few years I’ve been living part-time with my grandpa— always staying at his house from Sunday to Monday for work. He passed away two days ago at 85. 9 days ago, I came back into town and was in my bedroom when I heard his friend come by with food. My grandpa refused and was frustrated that his friend was trying to be helpful. I checked on him later, he told me, “I’m going down, but I don’t want to talk about it. How are you? How’s your boyfriend?” I kept the conversation normal, but I knew then that I needed to prepare myself.I told my family what I noticed and said that he might be nearing the end, especially since he wasn’t eating. My mom and I went to get him some easy foods that he liked and he was grateful for that.I went back to my other home and returned on Thanksgiving night around 10 PM. I put leftovers in the fridge and noticed the food and water my mother and I brought were untouched. His light was on, and he seemed to be struggling to get in or out of bed. I asked how he was doing and let him know that I put the thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge and asked if he needed help. His answers were short, almost like he didn’t want me lingering which is unusual because even late at night, we would sometimes have a short conversation. I could tell he didn’t want me “fussing” or worrying, so I carried on like normal and went to my room crying myself to sleep.The next day my parents and I went to check on him. They asked him if he’s hungry, why he wasn’t eating, if he needed a caregiver, and told him he needed to try to something or they’d have to call a doctor. He became very frustrated with them and refused all help and told them to just leave him alone, he wasn’t being very nice. But I understood his frustration. He didn’t know I was there, I stayed away from his room (sad, avoiding, not wanting to embarrass him,etc). He had said he’d lost his will to live. I was feeling very protective over him, I just wanted his passing to be comfortable and non-invasive.It was an incredibly hard 9 days, knowing what was coming. But by Saturday, after mentally preparing myself, I finally felt some peace—still very sad, but accepting. I came home late around 10:30 or 11. The house is always pitch black at night, so I used my phone to light the way, turning it off when I passed his room so I wouldn’t wake him. After I went to bed, I heard the cat meow a couple of times and then stop—unusual but not exactly uncommon so I didn’t get up. The next morning, I woke up late, walked past my grandpa’s room to clean my bathroom for about two hours, then showered and went to my room to get ready for the day, taking my time. I think I was scared and avoiding the possibility that he might have passed. When I finally checked on him, his bed was empty, and I found him lying on the floor at the foot of his bed. My heart dropped. “Grandpa?” but there was no response—no movement, no breathing. I fell to my knees next to him, crying my eyes out. The guilt, pain, heartbreak, and grief hit all at once. I called my parents immediately, and everything was handled from there.I knew this moment was coming, but the hardest part is knowing he didn’t pass in his bed. And the guilt of not knowing when he fell or how long he was on the floor alive before he passed, my biggest fear was finding him on the floor and him dying alone and scared. I feel so irresponsible that I didn’t peek into his room when I heard the cat, not checking on him when I first woke up in the morning. What if he fell shortly before I got home and was still alive?What if he fell while I was at home?What if I could have been there with him when he passed?Even if he already passed by the time I got home, it hurts knowing that he was laying on the floor dead for so long.I regret not saying bye to him when I left that day.The guilt of carrying on and leaving him alone like he said he wanted.I feel I should've made more effort to see and talk to him in his last days

Your grandfather had expressed that he was ready and was willing now to go. My father was the same. He said he had had a wonderful life, but in early 90s he was exhausted and he longed for the "last long nap". He was ready. I as a nurse have heard many express that and they say they often don't express it to family as family "don't want to hear it". They don't feel free to say what they feel. I am 83. I am ready to go as well. I hope it will be as quick and easy as it was for your grandfather. In all truth, you are feeling grief, not guilt. Guilt requires, by definition, that you caused something out of evil intent and refuse to fix it out of the same evil intent. That isn't the case here and to describe yourself, a loving person, as some sort of felon is self-harming. It may be a defense to keep from moving into the finality of death and grief, which now must be faced. This is "the circle of life". Watch The Lion King again. Your grandfather had help and caring around him. He got cranky; old age isn't fun. But he was ready to go, knew he was loved, and that's the best it can be.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Hi DestinyRose,

I am very sorry for the passing of your grandpa. He was one who knew his body it seems and knew he was passing and wanted to manage it himself. I’ve known a few like him.

If it is any comfort what you’re feeling is very normal. The finality of death is often lost on us until it arrives. No matter how attentive, we can miss that moment when they depart. And eating, even a thanksgiving meal lovingly prepared, can cause more pain to a body shutting down than it does good. Eating would have been for you, not him.

He was a lucky man in that his family didn’t interfere with his wish to manage his death without the indignities so many go through with last minute and useless administrations meant to keep him living a life he was finished with.

I had a brother who chose much the same. It seems so lonely yet it is a solitary event. Even for those surrounded by others, being watched over and sung to and prayed for (things many would rather die than endure) it is still a solitary event. One last breath to the customer and then off to the next adventure. As far as you know he may have gotten up to meet his future, not wanting to linger in bed. It’s his story. His alone no matter what you had hoped for or found hurtful. Accept it as his will.

I know you will never forget your GrandPa and he will live as long as you carry him in your heart. He was lucky to have a loving granddaughter who was mourning his passing while he was still alive. It will take awhile to accept the changes his passing creates. Grieving is hard and that is what you are doing. It is also necessary and honors him. Wishing you well.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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We are mammuels just like cats and dogs. And when cats and dogs are dying, they find a quiet place to be alone. Why not humans. Death is personal. Maybe people just want to be alone just like animals.

My Dad knew a week before Thanksgiving, 19 yrs ago, he was dying. He lasted till Thanksgiving when all his kids were there. He went to bed at 10pm and when Mom woke up at 6:30 he was gone. My Mom, was in transition when we visited her in the NH. We left at 1:30, she was pronounced 20 min later.

My Dad was 79, Mom 89. Do not feel guilty. There was probably nothing you could have done. He was ready.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Please don’t make yourself miserable with endless “what ifs” That’s not what your grandpa would want for you at all. He reminds me of my dad, who very much willed himself out of this world. My dad often told me he had a family and friends he loved, but it wasn’t enough anymore, he wanted to go, and he meant it. Your grandpa was in this same place, it may be hard to understand until we reach the same place, but it’s common after a long life. He died exactly as he wished. Having lost both my parent’s I now firmly believe being there for the last breath is totally overrated. Dying is a solo journey. Your grandpa well knew your love and care, that’s what matters. I wish you much healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I'm sorry for the loss of your grandpa, but it sounds like he left this world the way he wanted to being left alone and dying on his own terms. That is a gift as not everyone gets to die on their own terms, so please don't feel bad or guilty about anything as you did nothing wrong.
I'm sure your grandpa knew that you loved him and most certainly wouldn't want you beating yourself up over what you coulda shoulda or woulda done, as when it's our time to leave this world for the next we are going to go no matter what.
So remember the good times you had with your grandpa and take comfort in the fact that he is now at peace.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Living in the "Land of What If and If Only" will only wear you down. Let the past be in the past and move forward. Grandpa was loved and cared for and you have so many special memories of your life with him. Treasure those and don't let the questions and wonderings steal them.

As others have said, some folks choose to pass alone. My husband passed twenty minutes after I told him it was okay to go, said good night, and went home (he was in a hospice house). My grandma passed when my aunt stepped out to get groceries. It happens.

But I does sound like your heart had already said goodbye and you (and your family) knew his days were coming to an end. Now is the time to celebrate the life he lived and share good memories.

I hope that even writing out your post in some way helped you to process Grandpa's passing.
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Reply to graygrammie
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Destiny, the guilt, the circumstances, doubts etc. are life.
My Daughter gave me a Grandson ten months ago. I had forgotten what "Joy" was. This little person has given me a reason to live.
Your Grampy had you for twenty seven years. I can't claim to know his mind, but I'd bet you provided him with a lot of happy thoughts, and times.
Honor his memory. He wouldn't want you sad or guilty. Live YOUR life.
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Reply to BillyCalm209
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Don't feel guilty, you were scared and wasn't ready to face it. The thought crossed your mind but your heart wasn't in the right place to accept it. People go through a transition from life to death and he wasn't alone,we're never alone. Some angel was there preparing him for the next life, also giving you strength to look into the room. You just got more strength to accept it the next time you encounter another tragedy in your life. Sorry for your loss 🙏
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Reply to JuliaH
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Pron no consolation but grief and guilt are normal when a person dies - it just is - but its unjustified - what if you went to the shops and he fell - what if you went out to do some gardening and he fell - what if you were taking a bath and he fell. You cant be with someone 24/7. Speak to your doctor about getting some counselling - but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Life's full of what if's... what if he blacked out immediately and didnt feel anything - we could go on and on. Stop it!! Its a dark and dead end. You showed you grandfather the love when he was alive and remember those thoughts. try and sign u p for some counselling and talk it out with a qualified person but please rest assure its an emotion a good majority feel - and it is totally unfounded. Try and concentrate on the positive and put the rest in a box - closed - x take care
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Reply to Jenny10
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You did what you felt was right at the time. How could you know what to do differently? Things don't always happen the way we expect. Everyone hopes for a peaceful passing in their comfortable bed, surrounded by loved ones. But, it rarely happens that way. Accidents (if he fell) and death are unexpected.
He was ready to go, and he knew the time was near. I'm sure it gave him great comfort having you around often, to check on him, to have conversations with him, just a presence in the house, so he knew he wasn't alone.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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