I'm 62 and lost my husband to Lewy Body dementia as well as stage 4 cancer. I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of his death, March 31st. I retired at age 60 to care for him and I was able to keep my promise to him and keep him at home. He passed in our house. He hallucinated the last year and was bed ridden the last few months. He would reach into his diaper and pull out hands full of feces and would have it literally everywhere. My main goal was to keep him as clean and shaven just as he would have wanted. I can say that I totally lost it with him a few times....especially when he would stiff-arm the bed rail and I couldn't turn him over....OMG!!! I weight train and am very strong so I got it done, but I'm full of guilt for the way I went off on him a few times and had to literally slap his hand off the bed rail to turn him over to clean him. How do I ever forgive myself?? I feel so guilty. Thank you!
I do the best I can and when I do "loose it", I always apologize and promise myself " I'll never snap like that again" It is NEVER physical, just words spoken harshly, but they still hurt. She probably does not remember it 10 minutes later, But I do for weeks.
After you holler and snap, you can even say out loud to your wife and yourself, "Sorry about that honey, but poop makes me crazy." Your wife doesn't need to comprehend what you are saying; you are saying it out loud for yourself.
Hands-on care taking is one calamity after another. I hope you can take heart at hearing similar stories from other care takers on this forum.
Since you are having distressing memories, you may benefit from joining a grief group. Most of these groups' members are people who have lost a loved one. Sometimes a professional counsellor leads the group. I have heard wonderful things about GriefShare.
We're only human. We try our best but in the end we're not perfect. What you and I did for our husbands was to try the best we could and that's going to have to be enough. I know my husband loved me and appreciated all the effort I put into caring for him. I'm sure there was still a part of your husband's mind that felt the same about you. Forgive yourself.
you will feel immediately a full closure the instant you seek forgiveness, should you do so.
you did a wonderful job of taking care of your husband.
Having been a caregiver for my wife for twelve years after
she became massively handicapped from an extremely viscious stroke, I can tell you that there were many frustrating times when
it would be an understatement to say I was exasperated to the point I felt that I might crack up.
I believe you will receive a large number of messages applauding you for faithfulness.
Grace + Peace,
Old Bob
Ask God/dess or who-whatever feels spiritual to you for forgiveness.
This is something we all must learn to do, to accept our self as a full human being with a full range of emotions --- and our breaking point(s).
We all lose it at times. All of us (or certainly 99.9% of us). This is human nature, esp when engaged in a very stressful situation as you were. And, while it may not provide you comfort to know that MANY others feel as you do, we do and how many times do I 'wish' I could go back and respond / react differently to situations that I just couldn't handle / manage in my self - with the compassion, equanimity, emotional balance I strive for. We do the best we can.
I'd give you 5 GOLD STARS for all that you did when you could.
TRY THIS:
* Every time you start to think of a time or something and 'blew up' or did not respond as kindly as you would have liked, THINK of two times when you showed LOTS of compassion and care.
- You need to neutralize the 'guilt' with all that you did. And, YOU did a lot.
* You forgive yourself by saying "I forgive myself". On the other side of the page, write how your head responds "Oh no, I can't do that." Keep doing this and you will get out the emotional stuff that is really a form of grief (I believe).
* Write down all the good, all the times you were committed to his care, all the 'I almost lost it" times - you need to turn your thinking around, or your focus of what you tend to think or where you tend to go due to grief and guilt.
* I can't count the number of times I 'wish" I could have reacted differently to my friend of 19 years, who had a breakdown before I met him, who was so incredulously wounded and needy. [In his kindness (he just had a stroke so I feel worse, too) he says "I don't remember." Although he certainly does. He loves me unconditionally. Yes, I cried apologizing to him.
* I, and YOU (and 99.9% of others), did / do the best we can in any given moment. Know this in your bones.
* I had to LEARN to release anger and LEARN how to develop self-and-other compassion. It is a path we are on in life.
* You can do it.
* He knew and I believe KNOWS all the good you did for him.
* If needed, check into getting therapy - perhaps short term. Or a support group.
* What you are feeling / going through is so VERY normal although this may not support you to feel better. You are human.
TIME
* Heals.
* Do your inner work; meditation, find some affirmations and write them out.
* You will heal and work through these feelings. I will remember all the good you did for him - things that I likely couldn't have done - and many others couldn't. You deserve a major Namaste (I bow to the God within you).
* Living the best life you can is how you can show ultimate respect and love for him. He would want you to feel serene, content, at peace within. If hard to let it go (now) for you, do it for him. Gena
"I have his ashes and have been taking them to our special places. I do talk to him all the time and even while he was living I apologized hoping he would understand."
I do the same with my Katie (kitty who didn't quite make it to 22, with me over 21.5 years!) I have my favorite picture of her in the special urn I got for her remains and greet her every morning and tell her goodnight every night, sometimes saying other things in between. I bought a locket that has a bit of her ashes in it, so a bit of her is with me all the time and goes everywhere with me! The others who've gone before her all have urns as well, but hers stays here where my PC is. I was somewhat stressed with all the mom stuff and Katie actually went through a few months of kitty sun-downing. There were a few times I snapped at her - no way really to redirect her when she'd get in that "state." I regret those moments as well, but we are only human. There were a few times I slipped up and snapped at my mother too. Only a few. It happens. We need to be kinder to ourselves, understand it was a momentary loss of control, and move on. We can't undo it, but we can put it aside and reflect on all the good memories instead!
"I have two neighbors who lost their husbands recently. We are all young to be going though this. we range in age 58 to 62. They all express guilt."
Agreed, way too young to lose a LO. Please share what you've learned here with them. In helping them get past their regrets, perhaps you can also learn to get past your own. The good times DO outweigh the bad. Focus on those good times. Share with each other some of those good times, especially some of the funny moments! We have enough grief in our lives, we need to be able to smile and laugh sometimes.