How to get mom to consider safer living options?

Next time your mother has an "incident" that brings her to the ER, you just need to tell them that your mother is now an "unsafe discharge" and that she can't live by herself anymore. You keep using the phrase unsafe discharge until the hospital helps you find the appropriate facility for your mother to move into.
You have to now do what is best for your mother and her safety and not what she wants.

I am sorry you are at this stage. It is a huge challenge and I cannot give you advice, but I can tell you my story that (somewhat) ended last week...I hope I am not to boring or preachy. That is not my intent.

That was me and both parents last summer. Actually, it was two summers ago but came to a crisis in August when Dad fell in the garage and lay on the floor for an hour before calling 911 (he wouldn't use his alert button which was in his pocket). Pride does funny things to elders as he didn't confess to me for a few days. He refused to go to the hospital. Mom had fallen many times and left the burner on the stove and nearly burned the house down...

At my Mom's next doctor appointment I asked for a social worker. It was the right thing to do as being the "bad guy" wasn't working. They stubbornly resisted any talk of assisted living with Dad saying "when we are ready" and "we'll think about it". They weren't doing either and had no intention of doing anything to change their comfortable life. My husband and I were enabling their selfish behavior - the ugly truth. The bad guy, I mean, social worker introduced AL into the conversation and had a list of senior advisors. There was talk of all the falls, the fact that we took the car keys away, they were unable to do daily tasks and errands. They depended on my husband and I for everything. We found a local "helper" to bring the trash out, vacuum and set a set of eyes on them a few times a week. I continued to cook and freeze meals for them and drive 2 hours round trip to help out. My husband works full time and became the "maintenance man". It was assumed we'd fix anything that needed fixing.

I found a senior advisor I really liked and we immediately began touring facilities and she answered my many questions. I had to deal with their resistance, start planning what they needed to take with them, what the house needed for repairs in order to sell it and a thousand other things. I put a plan in place and pushed forward. My husband and I told them they had to move to AL and we would support the move and take care of the business end. They weren't happy, dragged their feet but went. The move was 18 hours from hell and Mom went off on me once the movers left. It was a first in my 66 years and I told her if she didn't stop I would never come visit. Well, she got the message, even with dementia.

It took about two months to clean out the house, have repairs done (we did quite a bit ourselves to just GET IT DONE). I closed on the house last week, as we had it in near perfect condition and got a solid price. My husband and I put in at least 500+ physical hours not to mention phone calls, coordination with contractors etc. It was WAY TOO MUCH as we are seniors. My brother lives 18 hours away and was of no help aside from a few texts.

I woke up the day after the closing feeling like I had jet lag. We went for a ride yesterday and that helped a bit. I am wiped out again today, had a cry (first time) and my back hurts. I think I am mourning a new time in life, physically and mentally exhausted from all that was expected of us. I was counselor, cook, contractor, real estate agent, attorney, business agent, etc, etc for two years. I am still getting some of the trust updated but thankfully was able to get the banking done correctly so they can live off the funds in AL.

I think it is time for you to have a social worker come into the picture. Blame it on the doctor. Take the list of names of senior advisors and find one who you can trust. Tour facilities and choose one or two. Set a date. Have the senior advisor and/or social worker with you to back you up when you "break the news".

This is not a choice thing. Push forward. Get it done. Get your life back. Peace and love.

It often takes a crisis to force an elder into AL or, if it's bad enough, a nursing home. Instead of making rational decisions themselves, they wait until a decision is made FOR them by a doctor or a physical therapist in rehab who determines they can no longer live independently. Put it to mom like that. She either decides herself or someone else will decide for her at a later date. Which may be next week, who knows? It took a broken hip to get my folks into Assisted Living. Dad missed Skilled Nursing care by a hair, too.

If your mom still digs her heels in after your chat, and still refuses to make even small changes around the house for safety, get her checked for dementia. Unusual stubbornness about small, reasonable things often indicates cognitive impairment.

Assuming your mom has a sound mind, you’re in the unfortunate but common position of waiting for the event that forces change. Many of us have been there, it’s not fun. There will be an inevitable event that forces change for mom, at that time she will have to accept a new living plan. For my dad it was a fall that left him on the floor for over 14 hours (his medic alert call button was on the charger) Meanwhile don’t argue with her, it’s a waste of time and effort, she’s not ready to listen and there’s no use harming your relationship. Make sure she’s taken care of vital documents such as POA for medical and financial decisions, an advance directive, and a will. If mom has dementia, this is the time her POA makes decisions in her best interests despite her protests.

Take the good advice here about getting around mom and having social workers, OTs, etc. involved. In the meantime, you remove the shower doors and do other things the OT recommended.

"Oh but mom will be so upset! I can't do that!" Of course you can. She's going to be upset from here on in no matter what you do, or she does, or the medical people make happen. You bring home brochures from the elder living communities and leave them with her. You invite an evaluator from one of the communities to visit and evaluate; mom doesn't even have to know who the person is. You modify her house whether she likes it or not. (She won't.)

Eventually she will have a choice: Either move to one of the places you've selected for her, or she moves to another of the places you've selected for her. She is not competent to make her own choices now, so you choose for her.

"Oh but I can't…." Yes, you can, and good luck with becoming the adult, because your mom is now the child.

gretchmoser, welcome to the forum. I fully understand what you are going through, my Mom refused to downsize into an one level home even though my Dad would pack in a New York minute. Both parents had falling issues, and that her cane was useless. She refused to even try a rolling walker, which my Dad loved to use. "That's for old people" said my Mom who was in her 90's.


I did notice that my Mom wouldn't take any advice from doctors or occupational therapist who were women. Mom always felt that men were much smarter. Oh how I wished my parents primary doctor (a male) hadn't retired, things would have been so much different. Their new primary doctor who took over their files was a woman. I wonder if your Mom has the same mind-set.


Sadly, the only way my Mom was placed into a nursing home was when she had a major fall that had head trauma. She couldn't be placed in assisted living as her injury was too damaging, her brain accelerated into final stage dementia (prior to the fall she was sharp as a tack). Mom could no longer stand/walk, constantly falling at the nursing home. Dad decided on his own to move into senior living, which he really liked, loved being around people of his generation. The place was so nice, I wanted to sign up :)

OP, have a look at what you are doing at present to prop up M’s ‘independence’. Stop doing it – at least the things that are ‘nice’ for her, but not essential. For example, buy a week’s supply of boring food, and leave it at that. She won’t starve. M can say “I'm not ready for that" about considering other care options, when she has all that she really wants without moving, courtesy of your help. Of course she won’t do anything to move towards what works for you. You are a factor in this, and you can change what you do to make it work for her. That's how you 'move forward', by stepping backwards first.

Do your parents have assigned PoAs for themselves? If so, is it you? This information will determine what actual power you have in this situation.

Don’t waste your breath anymore about her falls .
They don’t give in until they break a bone .
Truth is old people fall everywhere , not just at home.
They fall and break hips in assisted living too .
And take away the shower doors etc . What are you afraid of ? Just do what OT says.
You won’t be able to force her to move out of her home if she’s competent. Get her a Life Alert or similar pendant .

My dad was the same way before going to a facility. He had several falls and two stays in the swing bed. After his first stay, he went to another facility for intense physical therapy because he really wanted to be at home. After the therapy, he went home and we hired help but but it did not work out. So ended up in the swing bed again. The Social Worker asked if I was moving in with him or if he was moving in with me. I told her neither because I had to work and my dad needs 24 hour care. He has now been in a facility for almost two years and they do great with him but he still says he hates it. I think he often tries to make me feel guilty.
My advice is to try to get her doctor to talk to her as well and if she ends up in the hospital or the ER again, tell them she is an unsafe discharge. Also, my dad would not do what OT suggested either.