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My HWA recently had a stroke and the Dr.’s deemed him not able to return home. I had to place him in Memory Care. Every time I visit he associates me with going home. He keeps asking when can I get out of here, what do I have to do to go home? We initially told him the stroke made him weak and he needs to get stronger. The Dr.’s just told me the won’t do any PT on him as they feel it will not be beneficial. So now what do we say to him about never coming home?????

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Use the broken record method to repeat why your HWA will not return home. It’s because his doctor is telling him to wait until he is better. With dementia, he will forget what you said, then quickly change the subject. If you visit just before his lunchtime, wait until his meal is served, sign yourself out, then leave without another word.
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Reply to Patathome01
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mommabeans Aug 27, 2025
I WISH "quickly change the subject" worked with my mom. You can't. She won't. You can't talk to her about ANYTHING else, she interrupts and goes right back to, "I have to tell you. I feel like I'm in prison. I want to die. Why can't Live with you? I thought I would live with my kids." On an endless loop. The only "change of subject" is "The food here is awful. I'm in pain. I can't stop peeing. I don't even know it's coming out." Which really isn't a change of subject at all, because all the complaints is just leading up to why she feels like she's in prison, she wants to die, why can't she live with me. She always thought she'd live with her kids."
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Wanting to “go home” is one of the most common things folks in memory care say — and it doesn’t always mean the house you shared. Sometimes “home” is more about a feeling of safety and familiarity than a physical plaece

The truth is, it usually doesn’t help to tell them outright “you’re never going home.” That can cause more anxiety and heartbreak. Instead, a gentler approach works best. You can redirect the conversation — say something like, “The doctor still wants you to get stronger first,” or “Let’s focus on today, maybe later.” This calms the moment without putting him into a painful reality he can’t process.

You’re not lying — you’re meeting him where his mind is. In dementia care we often call this “therapeutic fibbing.” It’s about kindness, not deception. The goal is his peace of mind.
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Reply to TenderStrength5
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You don't. He's literally not ever going to understand that. You have to come up with "therapeutic fibs" to help him be, at the very least, just okay, with having to wait "a few more hours" until he can go home. You have to go to a store he hates. Or you are going to visit a friend/relative he can't stand. Or they need his help there with something. Anything that he typically, in the past, would have declined the invitation to accompany you to do. You can say, you'll be right back, stay there. You're going to get the car, or you're going to use the bathroom, you'll be back in a few, and just leave. You find the one that works, and use it every time, until it doesn't work anymore, then you find another one.
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Reply to mommabeans
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Doctor's orders is always a good response. "Soon, when the doctor says it's okay". I don't know how advanced the dementia is for your husband, but there are 2 things that have worked well for my family with this same issue and for a friend of the family. I would take my mom for a ride in the car and return her to the assisted living facility. She thought she had been taken home every single time. A friend's mom just needed a ride in the wheel chair around the facility to say hi to other residents, then she would thank her daughter for taking her home. I tried that one too and it sometimes worked. Of course it won't work if he is not easily fooled, but a distraction of the sort that involves movement might be the trick.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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Fitkidz03: Employ a therapeutic fib.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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He repeats 1 question so only give him the same answer. He needs to wait for the doctor OKs that he is safe to leave. Then change the subject. If he keeps asking, then it is time to go home as this is not a good day to visit
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Reply to MACinCT
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Why bother? Tell him whatever he wants to hear for that particular day/time.
I might be wrong but thats how I handle it.
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Reply to PDLncga1
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Tell him a therapeutic fib: when he can demonstrate his ADLs to his doctor then he will be reassessed for returning home.

This is what we told my MIL in LTC. She still didn't like the answer but at least it gave her hope and we weren't the bad guys.
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Reply to Geaton777
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If your husband has Alzheimers, then you're not going to be able to get him to "understand" anything. The reasoning part of his brain is now broken, so he's never going to understand why he is in memory care, no matter how much you try to explain it.

On that same note, if his dementia has progressed to the point he's in memory care, then it's likely that his short term memory is not reliable. That means whatever reason you tell him for being there, he won't remember.

Like Grandma1954 said, it's best to continue telling him it's up to the doctor when he comes home.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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You do not tell any loved one they're "never" coming home! You just tell him he's there on doctors orders and change the subject.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Before you leave get him involved with an activity.
Leave right about the time they are getting ready for lunch or dinner. Get him situated at the table and bring him something. then quietly leave as they are bringing the rest of the meal. (I know it is difficult to not say goodbye)
Get him involved with a game.
Ask an Aide if they can take him to the bathroom, while they are in the bathroom you can leave.
Continue to tell him that it is up to the doctor to release him. Make sure the doctor is aware that you can not care for him at home. This way it is "the doctors fault" that he can't come home yet.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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