My elderly, frail father is being abused and neglected by his current wife and a live in caregiver (a close friend of the wife). She currently has POA for healthcare while we have POA for financial. Due to some information we found out about his medications, we are concerned he is being medicated in order to make him compliant with the caregiver who has caused harm to my father (proof as seen by hospice nursing staff: Bruises and abrasions) which the caregiver admitted to doing.
My father's wife is angry because she is close to the caregiver and wants him to stay. She is not providing food for my father when the hospice nurses request her to provide food and they often have to get something for my father to eat. I do not live in state, but my sibling does and visits daily. My father's height when he could stand up straight was 6'1" and he generally weighed about 160-170. His current weight is under 120 and he is basically skin and bones. On my recent visit, I could not see any fat on his body and he doesnt seem to be able to stand on his own at all. Every meal counts when a person is this emaciated.
Incontinence care is not consistently provided because his wife who is 15 years younger either won't or can't so he is often soiled. We had hired a live in caregiver but since the abuse happened, the caregiver is being evicted and our stepmother is angry about this. We are trying to hire a female caregiver (per our father's preference) but his wife is resistant to the number of hours per day (6) that we need to hire her for. My father can afford a caregiver for this amount of time but his wife doesn't want to spend his money on him.
What can we do to get POA for Healthcare and to make sure our father is cared for properly during his final years? We don't know how long he might live, but with proper care, we do think he could possibly live longer than a year.
We do not want to displace the wife. She can live there as long as she does not abuse our father or prevent his care from being provided.
All my father's assets predate their marriage including retirement money and property.
I mean honestly - my very first thought was that they are working some kind of scam on your father and that your stepmother and this "caregiver" are involved/ in a relationship and perpetuating a long con of legacy larceny or elder financial exploitation. Even if assets predate her - that doesn't mean she couldn't get her hands on them in less than legal ways.
Secondly, you do not have first hand knowledge and you are not living in the same area.
You are not the caregiver.
Thirdly, your father is dying. He is on Hospice. This is end of life care.
You have made the claim here that food is withheld, and rough care is administered and that there is physical bruising that is other than what would normally be expected for a very fragile dying man. HOSPICE IS PRESENT and Hospice is a "mandated reporter".
You state that APS HAS been reported to. The assumption here, Hospice being a part of this situation, is that APS would have spoken to family and would have found that their explanations are acceptable.
If you are POA now is the time for you personally to visit and assess the situation.
IF you feel that no one here is capable of managing end of life care safely for your father you DO have/should have the power with your POA to:
1. Contact an attorney in the area to enforce your POA
2. Have your father removed from the home where you feel care is no longer adequate and moved to in-facility care with Hospice team still remaining until his death.
I wish you the best.
Melded family, second spouses, etc. as Dr. Laura has posited often ends up not so much blended as tossed. We typically hear of these discussions and disagreements. I am sorry, especially for your dying father, that he is in the middle of all of this. It is very painful when you are at end of life and overall so fragile, to endure this kind of dissention. For myself, I would speak privately and gently with my father and I would do EXACTLY as he wishes.
Apparently APS in his area are completely uninterested in protecting my father.
Thanks for your reply, I also thought that APS should have been more interested in the previous reports by the social worker/hospice nurses.