95 yr old mom: early stage dementia after a couple of years of cognitive impairment; suddenly asking if parents/siblings/spouse/son etc are alive. Gets upset and teary and can’t believe no one told her and she didn’t even go to their funerals (she did). All that said, it’s only been intermittent and we feel like fibs at this stage would be weird as she’s still very functional (in assisted living in her own one bedroom unit, does all her ADLs, etc…….though she’s starting to stay in her apartment rather than go down for meals) …..unless the dementia is just rapidly advancing in the last couple of weeks. Once we gently talk it out, she understands and feels calmer and much better knowing they are in heaven and she’ll see them again, though she can’t believe her memory has gotten so bad that she doesn’t remember losing them, or going to their funerals, etc. This has happened a few times this week, and the first time it happened a couple months ago we had her tested for a UTI and she didn’t have one. I will have her tested again, but I don’t think that’s what it is. My sister is talking about sundowner meds… I hate to add another meds…. So it seems we are in some twilight in-between zone at the moment.
Watch her reaction.
If the "news" upsets her next time she asks then you use a "therapeutic" fib to explain the absence of the loves one she is asking about.
If the news does not upset her at this time then you can tell her again when she asks. But the first time she shows distress, hurt at the "news" then the next time you use a therapeutic fib.
For MIL in a LTC facility with memory impairment we placed a large photo of her spouse who had died and made a note that had his birth and death dates, like a subtle shrine. After that she seldom asked where he was.
I don't see any benefit to telling him the truth and having him become upset. What exactly does doing that actually achieve? There's nothing wrong with a therapeutic lie.