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95 yr old mom: early stage dementia after a couple of years of cognitive impairment; suddenly asking if parents/siblings/spouse/son etc are alive. Gets upset and teary and can’t believe no one told her and she didn’t even go to their funerals (she did). All that said, it’s only been intermittent and we feel like fibs at this stage would be weird as she’s still very functional (in assisted living in her own one bedroom unit, does all her ADLs, etc…….though she’s starting to stay in her apartment rather than go down for meals) …..unless the dementia is just rapidly advancing in the last couple of weeks. Once we gently talk it out, she understands and feels calmer and much better knowing they are in heaven and she’ll see them again, though she can’t believe her memory has gotten so bad that she doesn’t remember losing them, or going to their funerals, etc. This has happened a few times this week, and the first time it happened a couple months ago we had her tested for a UTI and she didn’t have one. I will have her tested again, but I don’t think that’s what it is. My sister is talking about sundowner meds… I hate to add another meds…. So it seems we are in some twilight in-between zone at the moment.

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You tell mom once.
Watch her reaction.
If the "news" upsets her next time she asks then you use a "therapeutic" fib to explain the absence of the loves one she is asking about.
If the news does not upset her at this time then you can tell her again when she asks. But the first time she shows distress, hurt at the "news" then the next time you use a therapeutic fib.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Tell them what keeps them calm, peaceful and content. If telling them “the truth” causes them to fret and mourn over and over again then who does the truth telling serve? The server and not the sufferer.

For MIL in a LTC facility with memory impairment we placed a large photo of her spouse who had died and made a note that had his birth and death dates, like a subtle shrine. After that she seldom asked where he was.
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Reply to Geaton777
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I'm a person who likes to tell the truth, but when I started working with people who had dementia, this was a situation that came up all the time. They would be looking for their loved ones who had passed away or looking for their loved ones who no longer would visit them. It was and is heartbreaking. I learned about the "therapeutic fib". Which basically means you tell them that everyone is okay and you'll see them soon. Because sometimes when someone's spouse has died and you have to tell them that a few times a day, every day, they start to grieve a few times a day every day.
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Reply to Hrmgrandcna
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There is really little way to avoid the truth. What would you say? They are fine. They will be there later? If on some level she doesn't believe that it would only add to the confusion. While this is all very sad you will have to answer with the truth. That they passed, that she has asked you this before and you have told her the truth, that she may need to ask again, and that's fine. There isn't always a perfect answer to these things.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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My father was at my mother's beside when she died last year but has recently started asking how she is because she hasn't come to visit him lately. (She lived at the nursing home with him for nine months and died there.) He's also been asking about his brother who died in 2013. I just lie and say they are okay.

I don't see any benefit to telling him the truth and having him become upset. What exactly does doing that actually achieve? There's nothing wrong with a therapeutic lie.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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