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We have been married 45 years, and we've had a happy relationship. I have been a caregiver for my husband for 7 years, he has Alzheimer's, Vascular Dementia and Severe White Matter Disease. For the past 3 months, he thinks I am his first wife who was abusive, mean and unfaithful. Every day he packs his clothes in boxes, asks me about when he has to move out and he wants to know who all the men are coming and going in the house. When I try to redirect him, he gets angry. I cannot have in home caregiver support, because he thinks they are all coming to flirt with me (men & women). He is on numerous medications to help with his delusions and hallucinations; however, his Dr. keeps adjusting them because they are not helping. I struggle with feeling that I have to pay for all of her mistakes and I am at a loss on how to handle this. He was with her for only 5 years, yet that is where he is stuck. I tell him he is safe with me, I try to redirect him, but nothing works, and then he asks me to take him to his apartment because he has to go before the other men come visiting. I am trying to move him into Memory Care, however, there are no beds currently available, so I am on the waiting list for 6 facilities. I am totally burned out, and I am at a loss on what to say to keep him calm. I would like to try Respite for 2 weeks, but I know that I would not want him to return home. Any advice would be most appreciated.

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Goodness yep you got your hands full. So let's start by hurting your feelings. Your husband was put on a wait list because the facility doesn't want him especially because im sure you told them hes aggressive and his Doctor has tried everything and nothing works. Thats a facilities first major clue. It cost then way to much money to have whats called a one on one sitter. Someone to watch him 24/7 to keep other residents from getting hurt.
Then you have a doctor grasping at straws to see which drug would help. And some times a doctor has the person on the wrong meds all together. Example if your doctor has him on 2 or 3 meds from the same category thats not such a great idea. And FYI it wouldnt be allowed in a facility thats a federal law. And no I am not a doctor im just giving you suggestions on what to look for. Example if you give a person a drug that is to help with his delusion then a drug to help with his hallucinations, then one for his aggressive behavior, and one for dementia what do you have? Sounds like One really F/up cocktail thats probley escalating worse behavior.
its an unintentional overdose of one category of meds. The key word here is titrate slow go take only one med and reduce it and see if there is a change if not keep reducing till its gone then wait a couple of days. No change move on to pill #2 do the same and so on. What's the worst that could happen? He gets angry.
You my nice lady. You need to stop trying to fix an issues that poor man is living everyday.
Remember the reel to reel old home movies? What happened when the reel broke and all the reel just flapped and then a blank screen with fuzzy lines all over the screen and then the screen just goes dark? Thats what your husband sees every single minute of every day. Like taking a stack of hundreds of photos and flipping thru them really fast like a deck of cards then I ask you to name 10 pictures in that stack can you do it? The ans is probably not and its funny but its ok thats "normal" unless you have dementia then we look for a med that might help sort out all those pics then tell us about10 of those pictures If we could fix all the wrong with alz/dementia we wouldn't be here having these conversations.please try to understand (yes its very difficult) it seems he no longer has facial recognition so he has no idea you are you. there should be a place in your county for you to get some training of sorts to help with your concerns. There are care givers that will come to your home for a few days and you leave for your respite. Search your area, call the area agency on aging every county has one. Ask for directions to getting help at home.
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AnnaKat Aug 18, 2026
LoniG1: just as a comment, facilities can also put people on waiting lists because they are full. My mother, in the late stage of Alzheimer's, had to wait several months before being accepted in one that was nice and close to my brother's house. Same for my father in law. Good facilities can have long waiting lists.
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Would it be possible for the doctor to place him in a psychiatric hospital, where they can try medications and monitor their effects?
Alternatively, could you call the police if he gets aggressive (even verbally) or tries to run away, so they can take him to an emergency room?
The emergency room will run some tests and possibly hydrate him, but once he is there you can explain to the doctors that it is not safe to send him back home and they would likely agree to transfer him to a hospital. The psychiatric hospital helped immensely my husband, who also had delusions and hallucinations that made him aggressive.
I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare, I hope things will get better soon. Please stay safe.
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Oh, how sad and frustrating this is!
I'm sorry there are no beds available for him in Memory Care. Is he independent enough to be in assisted living? That would play into his notion of moving to an apartment. Is he disabled enough to be in a skilled nursing facility?

Try doing a search for private care homes. That may be a suitable alternative for him until a memory care bed becomes available.

I'm so sad for you - and your husband! Think how awful this must feel for him to be reliving this angst every day!
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Hrmgrandcna Jul 26, 2026
Unfortunately, if her husband does not recognize his wife or understand that he is living in the present, he cannot safely go to assisted living, which is for those without dementia, etc.. He needs assistance.
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Sounds like it may be Capgras Syndrome, and folks with it can be very dangerous and even murder a loved one if they feel threatened.
Please call 911 any time your husband acts out against you, and by all means take advantage of any respite you can afford.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Have you tried Longterm care. There comes a time that even a memory care facility is not enough.

You do need to see an Elder Lawyer about splitting Your assets. His split going towards his care. When almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. Once Medicaid is paying you can remain in your home, have a car, and enough or all your monthly income to live on.
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I'm so sorry you have to endure this distressing situation. I know you've said you've tried in-home aids, but have you tried leaving the house when they come? I knew someone whose wife had ALZ and she was constantly thinking he was having an affair: she shadowed him all day long, demanded to know who he was talking to on the phone, on the computer. He refused to transition her into a facility because that was his conviction. But it was driving him to drink, literally. Finally he hired an aid, which she freaked out about. Yet he gave her time to adjust and she slowly did. The aid was wonderful for her, and her husband.

So, my only advice is to continue trying to find an aid or 2 (and the same people consistently would be best, preferably aids who are experienced in dealing with your scenario) and consider leaving the house when they're there to speed up the development of trust. Or, the aid comes and takes him someplace for a few hours so that you can have a break at home.

I wish you success in getting a much needed control back in your life. May you receive refreshment and peace in your heart on the rest of this journey.
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This sounds so awful for you. Other than placement in memory care, respite, and more med adjustments, all I can suggest is a home health worker and you arrange to leave the home as soon as they arrive and they leave as soon as you return. That way, he does not see you in the same room with the aide. Yes, he could still imagine and accuse that they are flirting with you when he is not present, but he could do that no matter what.

Or what about wearing headphones so you can’t hear him for periods of time? I know that sounds dangerous but maybe it could help get you through a day while you figure out a more lasting solution. I know of caregivers who do this to drown out continuous groaning or whistling or shouting so why not the kind of unbearable verbal he is making.
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Reply to Suzy23
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Get him to respite as soon as possible and get a break from this.

What you are experiencing is a form of looping and it's not anything you can do to get him out of this.

Have you considered placement?
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Reply to Scampie1
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I am so sorry for you, and for him too. The only idea I have is for you to pretend to be someone different – not his current wife (you) because that isn’t working, but also not his first wife. A carer perhaps, if you can dress up a bit like a nurse. You can be a very loving nurse, and perhaps tell him that he has come to a new place after an accident – which caused amnesia. See if you can show him that his body is now many years older than the time he was with his first wife.

The most important thing right now is to get him out of his old time horrible situation.

I hope that some medication will solve the problem, and that you can live through this difficult time until then.
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