Hello all!
I have been a caregiver to my mother for 8 years now, since I was 27. I am about to be 35. I am still living in my childhood home, haven't had a place of my own ever. My mom is now in mid to late-stage Alzheimer's. And it has become increasing difficult for me to find any happiness being a caregiver to her. I work a 9-5 /40 hour a week job. My mom doesn't clean, doesn't cook. She just watches TV all day. When I ask her for help with housework she responds "What's wrong with your hands" or will argue with me that something isn't dirty or doesn't need to be cleaned. So, asking her for help has become so exhausting that I have stopped asking her and just do it myself. But I'm tired, and it causes me to have resentment towards her because I have to pay all the bills, cook, clean, while she just sits there. I also try to have conversations about putting her into a senior assisted living facility so she's not isolated and I can have my life. She says that she will get depressed if that happens or just gets angry and says "I can't believe you would do that" She has started wandering, and I have to micromanage things she does, like use the microwave because I had to replace 3 microwaves over her putting things in there and setting the timer for 5 hours. I am just exhausted and honestly didn't ask to be a caregiver to her. She's my mom yes, but my life has been put on hold to take care of her and it's causing me to dislike her. Because anytime I try to talk about my life or wanting to have my own life her response is "Don't forget to take care of me" I don't know what to do, or how to navigate through this, so any advice or any personal experiences would be helpful.
It sounds like she has some memory issues and her physical needs exceed your abilities anyway. It is time to start looking for care for her. Do you have medical and financial POA? If not, get it immediately while she is still able to sign the papers.
Unless she has a lot of cash, most likely the house will need to be sold to pay for her care.
It's possible that this may be a matter of being so distressed and exhausted to the bone that you can't think or trust any decision you may come up with.
But, forgive me, all over your post it sounds as though there is a lot more going on.
It's troubling to me to ask a person with mid-to-late stage Alzheimer's disease for help with unsupervised housework. My bad, maybe you're working from home. I can't imagine leaving a person who can't operate a microwave at home alone.
And having conversations with someone, (your mom who is not interested in your wellbeing, and you know it) rather than a mentally stable person about having a life has me wondering if you really take your life seriously. You may just want to vent. That's ok, but know and call it what it is. You may not be able or actually want to break the routine. There's a comfort to burrowing-in. It's familiar.
That your mom is capable of saying "Don't forget to take care of me" makes me question if your grooming didn't start well before the age of 27. All young people should want to fly away from the nest. All moms must prepare kids for the launch and flight. Some birdies can't. Accept who you are and find peace in it. Stop arguing with your mom.
I especially loved the brilliance of the other manipulation…"I can't believe you would do that". How about replying, to yourself - "I can't believe what I've done to myself". As of 18 you are 100% complicit in this game.
Seriously, your life as it is is predictable, and in a way safe. Think long and hard about what you would do if you didn't have mom and her house. Then think harder about how exactly you'd accomplish every aspect of taking charge and being alone. Alone and strong.
You may need to speak to a social worker or elder care manager to help you sort things out.
Don't ever give up working to care for your mom.