How to stop resenting do-nothing siblings?

Usually I agree with you jeannegibbs, but on this one issue I don't. I agree that everyone is free to make their own decisions, but I don't believe these decisions are made independently, or that they can be. Each person's decision affects the others, and is affected by them. If Struggles and her husband hadn't stepped up to care for MIL, SIL would be forced to step up whether she wanted to or not, no? The reality in most cases is that someone has to do it, and the less one person does, the more the remaining family members are stuck with doing.

I personally don't believe in unchosen obligations, including the supposed obligation of adult children to care for their parent. Unfortunately, though, there is often no other way to provide for the parent's needs. In that situation, I think people who care about one another will try to allocate the burden as fairly as possible. That's what I do, and that's what I expected my close siblings to do. I would love to be living out of state and see my mother only occasionally, but I wouldn't place that burden on the remaining caregivers (my one sister and my mother's live-in helper, who is a good friend of mine).

I don't blame Struggles for expecting more from her SIL. I suspect that if Struggles decided to stop caring for her MIL, the loudest objections would probably come from SIL, who is depending on Struggles to keep doing it all so that she doesn't have to do anything. Maybe that's incorrect, but that's what happened with my eldest sister/former BFF when I tried to cut back on my involvement with Mom. In her book, she was free to decide not to care for Mom, but I was not. That does not seem like it could possibly be right, to me.

struggles, your SIL did not cause her mother's narcissism. She did not cause her mother's mobility issues. She did not insist you take her mother into your home. I think you may be resenting and blaming the wrong party. Presumably you and your husband decided to take on this role, as you say out of love. It would be nice if other people wanted to help you. But it was your decision. There is no reason your decisions should obligate your SIL.

Now, if SIL begged you to take in her mother and promised to help you and now she isn't living up to her promise, go ahead an resent her. Shut her out of your life if you want to. But resenting her because she made a different decision about her mother than her brother did just doesn't make sense to me.

You need help. You need breaks. You had hoped you could et that from your good friend SIL. Oops. That didn't work out. Disappointing, but you still need help and respite. Arrange that. Pay for it with MIL's funds. What would you do if your husband was an only child?

I am very glad you are going to get some therapy. The energy you are wasting on nonproductive resentment could be used for better things!

Struggles - I just want to say I totally relate to what you're feeling. Your relationship with your SIL mirrors very closely my relationship with my eldest sister, who was my best friend in life until I started taking care of my mother. At that point, our relationship completely imploded. She was angry that I was "judging" her by being angry at her unwillingness to give me any help or support in my struggles to deal with our narcissistic elderly mother. Of course I expected her to help - she was my best bud and it was her mother too! I remember going crazy with agitation and resentment, hating my life and everyone in it, and feeling so alone with all those feelings. I remember being too agitated to sleep - it still happens after an especially bad day.

I dealt with it in two ways. One, going into therapy for a few years and two, pulling back from the situation and finding someone else to take care of my mother. (Not a family member). I see my mother once or twice a week now at most. I'm no longer at her beck and call, and I get sufficient time away from her to decompress.

Your situation would drive me berserk! Maybe you need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband, and make clear that without a whole lot more support from the rest of the family, you're no longer prepared to be the caregiver for his mother. That's what I would do in your place. Wishing you the best!

I am the daughter in law who is the care giver. I do this because I love my husband. His mother lives with us. I struggle so with his sister. Before her mother came to live with us, we considered one another best friends so to speak. Due to my mother in law's narcissism, just being in her presence is mentally and emotionally exhausting for me. Most people who have met my mother in law, even just once, are very offended by her because of her judgments, and expression of annoyance much of the time. Clearly, my sister in law is aware of the challenges I have with her mother living in my home. I was taken completely by surprise and off guard when I asked my sister in law how she would be involved in helping out with my mother in law. My mother in laws mobility is very poor, and her memory has declined. We are unable to leave the house for a long period of time, more than a day or two even. Bottom line what she said to me hurt me because I thought she was my best friend. She came right out on a number of occasions to tell me how her family is her priority and always will be. They will come first no matter what. At no time will she make her mother or me a priority in her life. My husband and I have dialogued back and forth with her asking her if she would consider being more reasonable, but to no avail, she will not commit to a single thing. I had shared my feelings with her that I felt abandoned by her. Not only are we best friends, but after all, this is her mother. I should add that in the time that her mother has been with me, my sister in law has not received any more lashings out my her mother towards her because my mother in law now is being taken care of financially as well as emotionally. It is daunting to me that the family she speaks of that comes first is a husband who is financially the bread winner and her children are 16, 20, and 23. It has been nine months now that each morning that I wake up, I will schedule my day around what is going on for my mother in law, hair appointments, doc visits, trips to Boston, an hour and a half away, many times longer due to traffic, for her to see her specialists. Needless to say, I have become some one I did not know I was....resentful and full of anger towards my sister in law. Lately, in the last several days, I have actually found myself feeling resentful towards my husband who is very loving and understanding with me, yet, this is his mother and I still am the one who keeps company with his mother 24/7 with all that entails. I am going to begin seeing a therapist to help me cope with these ugly emotions and feelings I am experiencing. My sister in law must have some narcissism herself because she is puzzled why I have expressed to her that though I realize she has complete choice to do as she pleases in regards to refusing to come to any assistance I may need, hers and my relationship is different and we are not the friends that we once were. This had to be said to her, because naturally I was behaving differently and she wanted to know why. Now, since I have been honest with her, she has become down right mean to me in a number of ways, sending unkind texts, speaking behind my back to my own adult children and her mother. I am finding myself now unable to sleep at night because of my thoughts in regards to how challenging it is my life is right now with my being my mother in law's care giver and receiving no support from anyone. Well, thank u all for listening....I don't know what I am asking of you all. I just wanted to put it out there.....

A c c e p t e n c e that it will never change.....sometimes a neighbor who is handy is a good source....the less you count on those you cannot count on for anything and all you do is wrong....the more power you have......been there done that....if I had used all the energy I lost being pissed off and offended I would probably feel 10 yrs younger right now ay73! Take back your power, expect nothing, plan others help you could even ask the mailman if he knows someone in area who handily works on things. With wood squeaking sometimes getting baby powder in actually helps more than oil biut try both anyway....it is not about the squeak it is about all the irritations added together of those you cannot believe in or count on to solve problems....blood relations are not guaranteed to be the best help,etc....bless you...

Maggie do you show GSDs? I saw your avi and I show dogs, too!

what to do when I don't want to get over the anger?

There's a saying "What goes round comes round." Just saying that maybe siblings will get caught up by Fate later on. I was a do-nothing sibling regarding caring for my mother (who resisted being cared for as she didn't have dementia, just brittle bones) because I was domiciled abroad. So one of my younger sisters, living closest, did all the visiting and checking up. But in the year that my mother died I became full legal proxy for an old friend with Alzheimer's, so my family forgave me the omission, realising that what I had taken on would certainly "pay me back"..

Chole5 I comment your goodness and perserverance, regardless of your siblings. The venting is what helps then you get a response or a word that uplifts and give you that little push you didnt know you needed. The situation you vented could be mine's in one way or another down the line and somehow I saw calm even with the work ahead and the reality check with your sister.

Ok I am taking a break of packing up my parents house. My mother passed away 10 yrs ago after 7 + yrs of dementia. 6 mo after my mother died Dad (81) old massive stroke. This was over 9 yrs sgo now. Dad has Aphasia, wrong words come out.
I have Two sisters, one lives 4 hrs away from dads house. I live alittle over an hour away, youngest lives (drum roll please) 8 tenths of a mile, down the road from Dad.
My dad came to live with me(we still owned his house) After 2 yrs with no help I wrote them both a letter at 2 AM. I wanted the summer off! My daughter would be off to college and i wanted to spend time with her before she left home.
Fast forward. He has been going between us three daughters. Mostly lives with me but I did get to have some breaks. But after 9 yrs taking care of his house and yard, my house and yard, I am DONE. While I stressed working to get it ready for sale it sold first day!! I got 15 days to clear it out!
So..... here I sit working on it day after day after day. Luckily the one sister 5hrs away is caring for Dad.
Reading on here is VERY helpful. Somehow my head and heart still dont understand the one sister down the road who has to pass dads house two times a day, never stops to offer ANYTHING. I guess she said it best when i called to say Dad was selling his house. I thoughts she might be alittle sad, NOPE, " Thank god, that place is nothing but an Albatross around my neck"!

Thanks for letting me vent if you read this far!
Susan

Stop thinking about them and like o0MichaeL0o start thinking about your own self and your future.

I am surrounded by selfish squabblers and I admit I get some pleasure knowing my life insurance pays out $750,000 depending on how I die and I have no heirs.

Currently I have a friend as sole beneficiary.

Wow, this is like reading my life in print. I have been told to stop being a martyr, no she (my sister is not going to help, and no my brother isn't either. I have argued until I am blue in the face about fact that we were not brought up this way, we should all be helping and God forbid, at least visit or call our aging parents. After the last conversation (argument) I made the decision to handle this on my own. I sold my home of 38 years, 3 years ago to move in with my aging parents. Kind of laugh now because when I first thought about doing this my biggest fear was they would pass 6mos.after I moved in and then where would I be? Well 3 and a half years later here we are. Mom's dementia is getting worse. Dad's overall health isn't bad, but strength diminishing. Both use walkers. If I want time off, I take it in the afternoon, leaving mom with dad and a prayer. My brother has agreed to bring in supper once in awhile if I want to extend my afternoon or go out to dinner. I don't abuse it just knowing that it's available helps me alot. My attitude and burnout seems to be so much better now that I have resigned myself to the fact that I took this on and I will do it. I have been known to be stubborn, also to cut off my nose in spite of my face, my grandmother's saying. So if this makes me a martyr , fine. At least I am a happy one and am doing what I intended when I moved in. I am keeping my parents in their own home, no nursing home, they are being fed healthy food and getting their meds regularly. I am blessed they are for the most part easy going. I feel for those caregivers with hateful parents and no respite. I am fortunate enough that dad is at least well enough to leave him with mom. I'm never very far away when I take my time off, so he can call if there is a problem. Oh, and I do take them to visit my out of town sister sometimes if she's not working and she will watch them so I can do what I want while I'm there. Just because she can't come up here doesn't mean she can't watch them down there😉.

am just re-reading some of these comments. We do what we can do and as one writer said, in the end you know you did what you could to make their last days comfortable. if the other sibs don't want to participate, I guess you just have to let it go at that. But it sure does stir up a lot of feelings - my concern is that once our mom is gone, nothing will be the same among us. And that is a shame.

Assandache, That is an excellent tactic. I learned that one can unfollow and the 'friend' is unaware, same with 'blocking', I think.
With unfriending, they know.
If friends of friends are not also blocked, your sibs can still see your post.
Something to look into.
Maybe your way is best: Short, sweet, and final ,with no guessing around.

That's why I unfriended all siblings on fb...

Sister in law just posted a photo album of her and brother in law's latest exotic vacation. They take 5 or 6 vacations a year (not counting long weekends) and post selfies and pictures complete with captions only someone whose read the entire travel guide would know. [She's an overachiever]

I'm not jealous of their vacations. I'm simply stunned by the amount time they allocate to themselves and that everything seems to be at their convenience. Once they scheduled a layover long enough to have afternoon tea with my inlaws and promptly ask for a ride to the airport.

This BIL has no qualms about talking about how a marriage is all about compromise. Say what? Is he saying he takes all those vacations as a compromise to his wife? Was the layover a compromise? Seems to me that when you're wealthy enough to vacation as much as these two do, compromise is easy.

I do love what someone wrote earlier: expect nothing and be grateful for everything. I must remember that.

Once I truly and totally could understand that I made this choice freely, it set me free from my siblings too. Now I communicate with them if I feel like it, and since I am lucky enough to at least like them even while not liking that they are not at all interested in sharing care, I sort of can pretend that they are strangers in a way, expect nothing and move on and take care of myself and my parents.

Keyle, sounds like you are at a crossroads. If you give in to your mother's refusal to hire help, it will be difficult to turn away from that path in the future. Where are your four siblings?

I will be coming to a crossroads soon, I think. I am the local child (and only daughter). My 3 brothers live states away. My mother and I had a verbal altercation a few weeks ago, when she said she wasn't going to ask me for anything anymore. Four days later I had to take her to the ER. BUT the calls have been less frequent. (She is almost 90, lives alone in a one-story condo, has no sight in one eye, horrible depth perception and balance, still drives.) One of my brothers visited recently, and I told him that if my mother's demands kept increasing on me and I didn't get compensation, that I would walk away. That scared him! So now he says he's coming back down in a few weeks and wants to take my mother to look at assisted living places. She doesn't qualify so that her excellent LTC insurance will pay, but I'd be happy to just have her at least see what is out there.
I know we are supposed to "put up, shut up" and "offer it up" and "let it go." I can't do that. I lost my young adult son 5 years ago, and I don't have the patience or emotional reserves to put up with my mother's increasing neediness and OCD demands. We were never close (she was very controlling).

I am one of five children. I live in the same town as my parents. I am 65 and work fulltime. My father was I'll for the past few years and passed away in July. I am watching out for my mother who is 94. She lives alone and I medically fragile but not ill. I have asked the others to help so many times that I lost count. Now I am insisting that she hire help at least 2 times a week... Preferably more, unless she is willing to move to assisted living. ..which she is not. I know she is angry about this but I only have so much emotional energy and I worry and cry a great deal. Suggestions are welcome.

My sister & brother in laws do or have done for their parents is nothing .

They call to score brownie points, never have offered one dime to help their parents. They should be ashamed of their self centered ways , but nope .

When their mom passed in 05, no help there what so ever. And now we have had my
Father in law for almost
12 years & AGAIN, no help from them .

The day he leaves this world.....They are completely cut from our lives .

Yes I as well have full resentment & honestly .

Since I am the main POA, have to handle ALL his affairs, medical areas/doctors, cooing , cleaning ALL under MY roof...."I even thought the day he passes, I'll not even have a service . Just bury him & send them a note afterwards"!

Have been through that much h*** with my sister & brother in laws !

After 17 years between BOTH my in laws & my sister in laws and brother in law "enjoying their charmed lives".

Sorry, I can't let it go .

I wish

Dadskeeper, what a wonderful picture of what you are doing. Thank you for writing that. I know that you have sacrificed a lot, but you see the reward in what you are doing. I have a feeling that your parents are very special people.

My dad-with-dementia actually told me, "you think (my sister with POA) is my favorite, but it's you "---which I already,really knew,but reminded me why I was doing all the heavy lifting of caregiving---he was my favorite,too and I wanted to make his last year as happy as it could possibly be and helps me grieve him with a clear heart.My sister is having a much more twisted time of it.

Some of the private home assisted living homes (4-5 people) provide respite care for caregivers who need a break.

Susan54, Maybe the time to check out a nursing home that Medicaid will pay for.

My brother hates our mother and will not help take care of her. I have been doing it for almost 9 years. But, he is willing to take his mother in law into his home. How am I supposed to deal with yet more resentment? First towards my mother who does not care if my husband and I have a life or not and my brother. We need a vacation!

It's people like Cscribe2180 who are "magazine mechanics" telling everyone how simple a job it is to rebuild a motor etc
when they have no idea what they are talking about in reality, theory is nice as long as you are not the moron who has to really shove those poles in their holes, it sounds so easy, simple, try it! you would run away in a week! Having a loving family caregiver is worth millions, if you are the one siting in a bed in a horseshoe shaped building with low paid workers scurrying about, doing their job at their speed, not coming to kill the fly in your room within 30 seconds of you seeing it and screaming EEEK, Just ignore the old smelly guy who wanders past your doorway every day and peeks in at you and your farting/snoring room mate. Just turn up the ear phones to drown out the guy yelling HELP ME every day, all day , consider the row of wheelchair bound drugged out zombies in the hallways artwork. I guess the elementary school cafeteria industrial food is not so bad, or having your menu made out for you regardless of what you want. My Grandmother liked her toast buttered methodically so as to not miss one bit and she had no problems telling you so in a not so nice way, The few times she was in a care home due to ICU stays she went through 3 in 4 months and I know they stuck her with the loudest stinkyest person the had to get even with her rude behaviours like freaking out when a large black man entered her room! My Grandmother had $2.3 million and ripped me off and kept using me! gave it to equally evil female family members who are fighting me for a penny when they never even saw her in 20 yrs!

Mincemeat - I understand and agree completely. I understood from the beginning why my siblings were not going to want to help my mother. None of them got what they needed growing up (or later), all of them felt trounced on in some way by my mother's selfish and narcissistic traits. I didn't expect my siblings to do too much to help my mother. One has surprised me and done a lot more than I expected; the rest have done little or nothing.

What I hoped for was that my siblings, at least the ones I was previously close with, would provide moral support, opportunities to vent, and a place in their lives so that my life didn't become a total wasteland while I put my plans and goals on hold taking care of Mom. This has been the crushing disappointment. Even the sisters I was previously very close with have fled FROM ME. I can barely get anyone to give me the time of day. It's like they're afraid "Mom-duty" will rub off on them. Pun intended. I can joke about it, but it totally bites!

I will play devils advocate for a very brief comment. I too, have been stuck with a brick around my neck for a very long time. But after some harsh reflection....I can see why my other siblings FLED far away and seldom came back. Like playing a game of playground tag, a lot of us are ""IT"".......and here we are! Still, it is nice when everyone can pitch in together in some way or another.