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Mom 88 is in the nursing rehab and is heading towards long-term care because of her injuries and the weakness in her body, she is just not able to care for herself anymore. Mom appointed me to manage her money and foodstamps for her. I am not her POA. My sister has always begged for money from mother and she has always give her whatever she asks for. My sister is 63 does not work, is widowed and receives her late husband's retirement check and his ssi.She recieves almost twice the amount mom receives and blows it all. She called mom, today and asked if I could buy her some food with moms foodstamp card and she would pick it up. How do I tell mom no without hurting her feelings or making her mad at me for not wanting to commit fraud. Because mom does not see that this is fraud or wrong for me to do so. I think her motherly love over powers all, and she is not using her better judgment. But Mom's behavior of giving in to my sisters beckoning call has always been habitual. It's like she has been brain washed to give every time she calls and whatever it may be. How do I explain this to mom?

Butterfly, good for you. Stay strong. I remember some of your earlier posts about your sister's extreme disfunction and your mother's enmeshment in it. Hang in there.
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Reply to MG8522
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Mother asked me again today about buying my sister food. I told Mother that it is fraud to use her card to buy food for my sister and I couldn't do that. I also told her that my sister is not going to face fraudulent charges, she and I would be charged. This is the first time Mom has asked me to buy food for her with her snap card. She lived with mom in her apartment from Aug - 25 until April -26 and didn't help with rent, food or utilities. I guess mom still feels responsible for her. I can't understand why she feels that way, when my sister is not a child. If she was 16 or 25 I could understand why she would want help her. But anyway, I hope it doesn't come up again. Thanks, for all your help!
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Reply to Butterfly62
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Grandma1954 9 hours ago
You say you can not understand why she feels this way.
People try to "help" and soon the help is expected by the person that is being "helped" It is no longer a need it is an expectation. This allows the person to avoid responsibility and the person "helping" is now an enabler.
In many respects your sister needs as much help as your mom does.
(2)
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Mom, I will not use your SNAP card fraudulently. Period. That's how you tell her NO. No other "explanations" are required.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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It's time to move past caring about mom's feelings in regards to your sister. It's OK to make mom mad. It's OK to be the bad guy. As others have said NO is a complete sentence.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I would buy some note cards and put the single word "NO" on them. When your mom asks again, pull the card out show it to her and tell her.

"This is my answer"

If she asks again show her the card again. Don't explain your answer just keep showing her the card. If she insists on discussing this again, or wants to drag on and on about it show her the card again and again. You might want to make several of these cards and keep them handy. There will be no tone in your voice, you won't hurt her feelings and you won't have to keep explaining it over and over and over.

"No" is a full non judgmental/no guilt answer.

"If your sister goes hungry won't you feel bad"

"NO"..........
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Reply to Jhalldenton
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You have to get past the feeling you can't make mom mad. Minor children don't want to make their parents mad but adult children often have to.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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I am surprised that she is still getting food stamps while in rehab.
To mis use the funds that the food stamp program provides is fraud.
Now I doubt that they are going to toss an 88 year old woman in jail but she may be hit with a hefty fine (depending on how long this has been going it may be felony charges) and she may well have to pay back funds that were dispensed previously. Can she afford that? Obviously your sister can't.
If your sister needs help with budgeting there are ways to do that.
Does your mom have a POA? If not it might be time to appoint someone. (actually it is past time if you have been managing her money and food stamps.) This should be done before it gets to the point where mom can not appoint someone and you may have to seek Guardianship.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Use it or lose it. I agree, food stamps will stop when she enters LTC. If there is a balance, it probably will be taken back at the time the stamps are stopped. I will bet Mom has been giving Sis the use of her card all along. As said, if Mom gives it to her, thats on Mom.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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It is fraud. Don't do it. If your mother chooses to commit fraud, that is on her. Protect yourself and never agree to be her POA.

About your family dynamics: Your sister is the squeaky wheel in your family and she is getting the grease. I know it is infuriating but that's how it is. Make your peace with it. It won't change.

My husband has a brother who was very needy and my in-laws were constantly helping him. My husband and I just got on with our lives and never asked for anything. It gets annoying to watch. I know.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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If your sister is not part of what the government defines as the SNAP "household" (ie the stamps are only for your Mom's use) then those benefits cannot be used for your sister -- and you knowing and willingly buying and giving food to her using your Mom's benefit makes you a party to fraud.
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Reply to Geaton777
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If your mother wants to give her food stamp (SNAP) card to your sister, do it. You aren't giving your sister your mother's food stamp benefits because they are not yours to give. Your mother does not need your permission or approval. If she wants to give her food stamps to your sister, let her. It has nothing to do with you being as you're not even her POA. If anyone is going to get in trouble and almost definitely no one will, you certainly don't have to worry about it. You will not be held responsible. Your mom's food stamp benefits will end when she goes into the nursing home anyway.

It sounds to me like you've got a lot of bottled up jealousy and resentment towards your sister and your mother. I know how that is because I grew up in a family where the male child was king and our mother catered to and served him. She expected us girls to do the same. Those feelings of jealousy and resentment are best worked out with a therapist. Therapy certainly helped me.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Butterfly62 17 hours ago
Burnt Caregiver, I was only trying to paint a picture here, so everyone could see the whole situation. I have never been jealous over my sister, whatsoever. I do have a lot of frustration, and resentment because of the way she has treated Mother through the years. She has always bullied and manipulated Mother to get what she wants. Talks down to mother, curses her out. You name it. Mother is afraid of her and yet feels bad for her and gives in to her pleads. We let mom, move in with us for a year and it was a constant chaos from sister calling mom wanting money. It was causing us family problems and almost tore my family apart. I had to help mother find an apartment so me and my family could mend. I could write a book on this topic. You wouldn't believe the stories. Mom, loves her and will not turn her down or turn her in. I haven't because of my love for Mom.
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Answer with "NO" and if you must add "I will not participate in fraud plus, Mom, you need that money to feed yourself. If you don't need it then we can call SNAP and discontinue".

If she enters long term care on Medicaid LTC she will no longer receive the benefit and will be only able to keep $50 (varies by state) for her own personal needs. Time for other daughter to stop being enabled by your mother.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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Food stamp benefit ends when she goes into facility care.

Hopefully your Mom hasn't been giving her other monies or else she may not qualify for Medicaid.

Why are you worried about "hurting her feelings or making her mad"? Does she have some sort of magical power over you?

"How do I explain this to mom?"

Explain to your Mom you're not going to participate in fraud and that if she doesn't stop pressuring you to do it then you'll report them yourself. Then tell her you don't ever want to be asked again. Then change the subject.
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Reply to Geaton777
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No is a complete sentence. "No, Mom, that is illegal." You're required to report to SNAP that your mother is in rehab and headed toward long-term care, so that they can determine whether she is still eligible to receive SNAP. Probably she isn't, depending on what kind of facilities she is now and will be going to. If you talk to her social worker, or whoever determines her eligibility, that keeps you in the clear. If they decide she can still receive them, there is probably some arrangement that the benefits go to the facility, which will handle how they are spent so again, you are off the hook.
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Reply to MG8522
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BurntCaregiver 20 hours ago
@MG8522

No, the OP is not required to report anything to anyone. She does not have POA for her mother. She is not responsible for anything here.

If the mother is on SNAP she's also on Medicaid. The rehab facility she's staying in now is billing Medicaid. The nursing home she will go to will also. No one gets SNAP in a nursing home. The state ends the SNAP benefits and there will be no need for anyone to snitch to the state about it because it will automatically get done.
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You’re not changing mom and her choices. But you should have no part of SNAP fraud as it can have serious consequences for you. Simply tell mom you’ll not do it. She will likely find a way to make it happen without you as she’s long done this. It’s important for mom to have the POA documents completed for financial and healthcare decisions, as well as a will and advance directive. You can decide if want to act in this role if she wants you to do so. Never be surprised when mom supports and defends the poor choices of your sibling, too many of us have witnessed the same unfortunately. Protect yourself
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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If she goes to ltc, the food stamps will be cut off.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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