
Mom 88 is in the nursing rehab and is heading towards long-term care because of her injuries and the weakness in her body, she is just not able to care for herself anymore. Mom appointed me to manage her money and foodstamps for her. I am not her POA. My sister has always begged for money from mother and she has always give her whatever she asks for. My sister is 63 does not work, is widowed and receives her late husband's retirement check and his ssi.She recieves almost twice the amount mom receives and blows it all. She called mom, today and asked if I could buy her some food with moms foodstamp card and she would pick it up. How do I tell mom no without hurting her feelings or making her mad at me for not wanting to commit fraud. Because mom does not see that this is fraud or wrong for me to do so. I think her motherly love over powers all, and she is not using her better judgment. But Mom's behavior of giving in to my sisters beckoning call has always been habitual. It's like she has been brain washed to give every time she calls and whatever it may be. How do I explain this to mom?
People try to "help" and soon the help is expected by the person that is being "helped" It is no longer a need it is an expectation. This allows the person to avoid responsibility and the person "helping" is now an enabler.
In many respects your sister needs as much help as your mom does.
"This is my answer"
If she asks again show her the card again. Don't explain your answer just keep showing her the card. If she insists on discussing this again, or wants to drag on and on about it show her the card again and again. You might want to make several of these cards and keep them handy. There will be no tone in your voice, you won't hurt her feelings and you won't have to keep explaining it over and over and over.
"No" is a full non judgmental/no guilt answer.
"If your sister goes hungry won't you feel bad"
"NO"..........
To mis use the funds that the food stamp program provides is fraud.
Now I doubt that they are going to toss an 88 year old woman in jail but she may be hit with a hefty fine (depending on how long this has been going it may be felony charges) and she may well have to pay back funds that were dispensed previously. Can she afford that? Obviously your sister can't.
If your sister needs help with budgeting there are ways to do that.
Does your mom have a POA? If not it might be time to appoint someone. (actually it is past time if you have been managing her money and food stamps.) This should be done before it gets to the point where mom can not appoint someone and you may have to seek Guardianship.
About your family dynamics: Your sister is the squeaky wheel in your family and she is getting the grease. I know it is infuriating but that's how it is. Make your peace with it. It won't change.
My husband has a brother who was very needy and my in-laws were constantly helping him. My husband and I just got on with our lives and never asked for anything. It gets annoying to watch. I know.
It sounds to me like you've got a lot of bottled up jealousy and resentment towards your sister and your mother. I know how that is because I grew up in a family where the male child was king and our mother catered to and served him. She expected us girls to do the same. Those feelings of jealousy and resentment are best worked out with a therapist. Therapy certainly helped me.
If she enters long term care on Medicaid LTC she will no longer receive the benefit and will be only able to keep $50 (varies by state) for her own personal needs. Time for other daughter to stop being enabled by your mother.
Hopefully your Mom hasn't been giving her other monies or else she may not qualify for Medicaid.
Why are you worried about "hurting her feelings or making her mad"? Does she have some sort of magical power over you?
"How do I explain this to mom?"
Explain to your Mom you're not going to participate in fraud and that if she doesn't stop pressuring you to do it then you'll report them yourself. Then tell her you don't ever want to be asked again. Then change the subject.
No, the OP is not required to report anything to anyone. She does not have POA for her mother. She is not responsible for anything here.
If the mother is on SNAP she's also on Medicaid. The rehab facility she's staying in now is billing Medicaid. The nursing home she will go to will also. No one gets SNAP in a nursing home. The state ends the SNAP benefits and there will be no need for anyone to snitch to the state about it because it will automatically get done.