We moved in to help my FIL to help him, as his spouse passed, years ago. She did everything for him and he didn't know how to take care of himself. My husband caters to my FIL, to the point my FIL won't do anything for himself. But when my husband isn't home and it's just me, I don't cater to him and my FIL will eventually do it himself, so I know he is capable. My FIL won't eat anything healthy even though many choices are provided, if we aren't home and leave a meal for him to microwave, he won't eat it but will eat cookies and cake. I tell my husband to leave healthy snacks, but he leaves out crap for my FIL to eat. He won't do his P/T, even though we set it up at home therapist and he can barely move because he is so weak. He won't help clear the table or dishes after meals and just gets up and walks away when he is done, like a waitress lives here. This is causing a lot of stress on my marriage. I love my FIL to death and my husband, but it's hard to take care of someone, who won't take care of themself. I need advice on how to discuss this with both of them.
My Mom waited on my Dad hand and foot. He would have been lost without her. He went first and I was left with the easier one.
You can't change and old dog. You are in his home. Seems when husbands around he takes care of Dad. All you can do is voice your concerns to husband. Old people don't like to be told what to do. They feel they have earned the right to do what they want and they have.
I would make sure that DH and FIL understand that if caring for FIL means intimate care or anykind of lifting, you won't be doing it. When his care becomes 24/7, you won't be doing it. If DH can't do it then FIL will need to be placed.
Did you think there would be no change to your lifestyle? You would still be in control of everything? He's an elderly man, "set in his ways", and your husband probably does more for him than he should, because it's his dad.
Multi-Generational living isn't for everyone. It must work for everyone in the household. You can't control your FIL, but you have options, which you can control;
You can learn to accept the way things are and let go of your need to control it your way.
You can move out and let your FIL find another solution.
When you talk with your husband, (you don't need to negotiate with your FIL)
tell him these are the options, and work to find a viable solution for all.
If your FIL is not able to live on his own safely, then it is time to find a care home which will meet his needs.
There is a third option, which I do not recommend; you could just leave and begin a new life on your own, with no-one to disrupt your peace and your lifestyle.
My God, are you really that bothered that he wont do PT and eat healthy?
Yeah, cleaning up after him is a bother. But, he's an old, stubborn man. Try asking him after he's finished to please take his plate to the sink or the dishwasher. He can still be trained. Tell him there is no waitress. Or, just suck it up and pick up/clean up after him, or tell your husband to do so.
How about telling husband that you're not going to be doing all the clearing and dishwashing? He and his dad can bond over it after meals while you lock yourself in a closet and scream. Also, eating healthful foods in old age may not make that much difference. We feed our children foods that are good for them because their bodies are developing, they're building bones and brains. In old age, not so much. Cookies and cake probably won't kill FIL. And if they did…..? You say you love him to death, and I assume his son does too. Nothing says "I love you to death" better than cookies, cake, candy and booze. (Surely there's booze involved?) Anyway, what's to love about FIL? He seems like a selfish jerk.
If you bow out and husband has to take a bigger burden onto his own shoulders, things might change. That's the discussion you have with husband. Good luck!
You and your husband can move out and hire in-home caregivers for your FIL, to be paid for by FIL. Or you can move out and have FIL moved to an appropriate care facility, paid for by FIL (including selling his house to finance this). Or you can stay, if you now consider this your home, but buy the house from FIL at full market price and move him to a facility. Or you can all stay in the home but you can insist that FIL pay for caregivers to come in so that you and your husband are no longer catering to him on everything and have freedom to come and go as you like, including traveling.
Think about what you want your life to be like going forward. You don't know how many healthy years you and your husband each have left, so don't count on having plenty of time to do everything once your FIL is gone. Then talk with your husband about how to make it happen.