My Husband would like me to place my mother, I am not ready for that. My mother is not easy to handle, but we have been doing well. I left my job to care for our child, and in 2017 my mother moved in with us when my father passed away and she was no longer able to stay in her apartment.
My husband wants her out, he wants his space, and has even pulled the he pays the bills card on me. How can I explain to my husband that I want to enjoy all the time my mother has left. I have tried to tell him this but he just does not get it. I do understand dementia is a handful, and thanks to the fact my husband is able to support us on his own income is helpful cause it allows me stay home. I wish for our child to get to know his grandmother in a place she is comfortable with not in a nursing home, he did not have the chance to know his grandfather I do not want to rob him of that.
My mother and our son to get along wonderfully, and my mother loves having him around. I do understand that this was not meant to be a forever thing, but I am not ready to send my mother away. I use to work in a Medicaid SNF I know the horrors that go on. My husband downplays the quality of care they are capable of provide. I could not live with myself if I did that to her knowing full well how they operate.
My family told me to tell him if he wants her out then he has to pay for her placement to a better quality place, but in truth MC is not really the best wherever you go and the cost associated with private care is insane. By no means am I burnt out. I used to do this for a living so I am better equipped to handle it. My husband is the one that is burned out. He wants his home back. My husband is not much of a people person and have never really meshed with my family.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to spend as much time as humanly possible with my mom and child? Having both of them around has been pure joy for me. Sure she is complicated show me a person with dementia that is not. I understand his feelings, but I do not think it is fair to have him tell me when it is time to place my mother. I get it he just wants it to be the three of us, but that is not how things are right now. I have told him we still have many years together we can make up for lost time, please find some enjoyment. Our son has a chance to spend time with his last living grandparent do not rob that from him.
He was not pleased by this, I get it might be heavy handed but that is what he is doing. I have seen it many times I know many families say their loved ones are doing great in MC, and sure some are. Though they are not around all day. My mother, hell no one deserves to die in such a place if the a family member is able to and willing to put in the work at home. I get it I can do this because of him, but even still that should not give him a reason to tell me how to care for my mother.
Please advise what should I say or do, we have tried to talk it out and he is hard stuck on this.
But "staying as we are" is no longer an option for your husband, and since this does involve his living situation and finances as well as yours, his needs have to be considered, too. He's been essentially financing your mother's care (and sharing his wife's attention and his home) for 5 years, and he can choose to stop doing that. As others have said, marriage counseling may help you two find a compromise that gives you both MOST (probably not all) of what you want. Are there outside-the-box options that sound weird but may make you happier? For example, a drastic one that comes to mind: could you get a second small apartment where you take care of your mother (or where your husband lives to have his own space, I suppose that would work too?)? It would be a separation of your family, yes, and expensive, yes, but less expensive probably than paying for a facility. Could this be offset by YOU being paid to be your mother's caregiver (some states do this?) It's just an example that would obviously have its own downsides (or be financially a non-starter), but I can't say what you and your family could make work.
Maybe there won't be any reasonable way to compromise, but maybe there will be. If there isn't...then yes, you might just have to accept that your husband is no longer willing to support you the way he has for the past 5 years, and figure out what to do next. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong - the fact is that sadly this is exactly the type of issue that can and does break families apart sometimes just because they don't agree on how to live.
From what you say, you know what you're getting into regarding how your mom's condition will deteriorate - so take care of yourself and think of your own future, as well. Your desire to care for your mom to the best of your abilities is admirable, but what you are describing is absolutely something that involves spending resources (financial, social, mental) that may not be replenished by the time you yourself need care.
I understand you want your mom to be close to you, but you have to consider your marriage. I would never ask my husband to take care of my parents, especially after having to be a caregiver myself. It's a good thing that you aren't burnt out (I am BIG TIME) but your husband wanting his own space and house back is not a bad thing.
I do hope you can reach a solution that works for everyone. It is not an easy decision; I just know from my own experience that if my husband tried to force me to keep taking care of his mom while she got worse and worse, I would end up incredibly bitter.
It seems like there is a real choice for you to make because it doesn't sound like your husband is going to change his mind or let you of the hook here.
I would say:
"Those that say their parent is in a top of the line place are ignorant".
I also agree with you about MC. It’s not for everyone. But I personally think it only works for few people because ‘ it’s out of sight and out of mind’ for them. I spoke to a number of people who worked in MC at different levels and it’s all not good. Nothing is better than having a private one on one caregiver at the comfort of your home. Prayers to you. I would keep your mom and your son. ❤️🙏
ps.. it’s also your house and space not just his (your husband).
hug!! peace to you too.
I would also suggest That you look at hiring someone to be with your Mom when your husband comes home so the two of you can share some quality time or even go out to dinner.
You also may want to join a support group.
She needs to do what her heart tells her. May she find the answer and have peace.
With a NYC divorce, OP will face loss of health insurance for herself. If the homestead is actually an SFR in Brooklyn, it will have to be sold so as to split the assets. Her child will likely shuttle on a 3/4 alternating night schedule between the parents. A vocational evaluation will determine what her realistic earnings potential is, which will be calculated in any settlement. In other words, she'll have to work. The more "picky" mom then gets about not liking aides or a day program, the more likely she gets kicked out AND THEN OP has to deal with putting her in a home.
Meanwhile, the H is some tech guy that actually gets paid to travel a lot? I've known senior developers at Adobe that don't even have company-paid iPhones, so this guy is kinda up there. With this traveling and work interaction, he comes into contact with plenty of women as successful as he is. Who won't come with OP's demands if he wants to have more children--or just get out.
My husband does not come second, I love him dearly but my family and he have to understand I will do everthing I can to be close to them and honor them, your time is limited with your mom and this time is precious. You will probably have to go against the crowd, I see some that do not understand your heart and stand up for your mom and yourself and have no regrets. My husband is a big boy like yours and he will survive, sounds tough but as my pastor taught sometimes we have detours in our life, not always a straight line to where we think we should be doing or have, because of this detour you are making precious memories with your son and mom, so I say your husband has to put on his big boy pants and when you feel its time to place your mom you will, but until then savor the time and journey with her and if he wants to join you then great. My husband is mostly ok but sometimes I get angry words like its time for you to move in ... my dad is 88 on dialysis and stepmom has a trac and feeding tube, time goes fast and I am going to do what I am going to do, there choices are not always pure so God Bess you. David had a caregiver, hopefully your son if needed will stand up for you some day.
sandy
I'm truly interested to know.
Being forced to do something like that is not so simple. It is your mother and you love her, and obviously you have an excellent relationship with her. The only one suffering is him, because, he doesn't have his space, because you pay less attention to him??
Are you neglecting other responsibilities that your role in this family requires?
Maybe he could get involved a bit more and help you out?
Unfortunately life is not always how we want it, and sometimes it gets interrupted.
He needs to understand that you need to do this, and he should be a loving, considerate, sensitive, compassionate husband/man to you.
I know it's hard but we all sometimes have to go through challenges in life and sometimes we have to just face them for awhile, it is a growing experience for all involved and it's not forever.
There are excellent care homes out there. I know this for a fact as my mom is in one. I can pop in any time and the owner is excellent at communicating. I also know there are excellent care homes out there as I used to be in the senior care industry and have visited over 1,000 memory care and ALs across the country. Before you turn down your husband check out the care homes in your area. The Alzheimer’s Association is an excellent resource.
Why should he NOT have a say on what happens in the home he pays for?
I see a man who stood up for himself and a wife who wouldn’t have it. He’s not allowed an opinion in the home he pays for. That is ridiculous and controlling. If anyone is being unfair, it’s the person ignoring her spouse’s pleas for space in the home he pays for then trying to make him out to be the bad guy for standing up for himself. Talk about breeding resentment…
I am very lucky to have my girlfriend who will become my wife here in 4-5 months she helps me in every way with my mother from changing, feeding and spending time with her.
However.. nothing will come in between me and my mother. Ohh, we had our rough patches and not my mother involvement but I told her, she does not have to do this, she can leave, ill understand..
I will not lie.. I thought of having my mother placed in a facility here in Dallas, Texas. Yes, I heard the horror stories too.. MC facilities just suck, my mother will be just a number.
We did respite care while my future wife and I went out of town. We placed her in a facility for 5 days. OMG. I told my lady, if we placed her here she would just treble up and die. Cold, lonely room. I took her out of there. She is now in the best care facility DFW can offer. She gets 100 percent care and love and kisses and she hears I love you constantly.. That facility is my house.
But you are in a different situation. Do you have family members that can help? I dont.. no family members lift a finger, so I don't lift a care if they fade away of my life.
Ok, if you don't then you're in a tough, tough pickle. Is your husband so selfish that he won't see the damage he will cause you mentally? How does he think after he evicted your mother that life will go back to normal? Maybe he don't care..
You just say no to his demands. Maybe you're afraid to see who he really is..
The courts will be on your side in this matter, they'll see him your husband as selfish and will not be nice to him..
I am sorry of your situation.
P.s.. my future wife has a sister who is mentally retarded who is just a younger version of my mother now. She also needs complete caring like my mother does.
My future wife's mother who is 83 years old is the one caring for that girl. Her mother will pass away at some point given the age but she's healthy but no matter. She's 83.
Anoway. There's a good chance, she might come live here at my house when her mother passes away. The wifes younger sister has been elected to take her, she's already indicated as soon as her mother dies, she's placing her at a facility, my wife won't stand for that.
so I'll better remember what my wife is doing, I won't be a cold SOB when that time comes.
If it was his mother and he spent so much time and resources with her you might feel differently.
I have a 46 quadriplegic sister and an 80 mother with Parkinson’s, family needs can get out of hand if you don’t have balance. I was never allowed to say it’s just too much. Let your husband have a say and don’t guilt him if he has a different opinion.
You are doing the right thing by loving your mother and caring for her to the best of your ability.
This time with your son and mother is limited, and therefore, precious. You won't always have your mother.
As time passes, her dementia may worsen to the point of you being forced to place her somewhere, but, for now, these days are precious and few.
I wonder what your husband would want, should he one day get stuck down by dementia, and desperately need help. Would he expect to be placed away from home right away? Or, would he prefer being cared for by family until that time?
I will pray for your situation, and perhaps the Lord will soften the heart of your husband.
You are doing right by choosing to care for and love your family. The Bible says: Matthew 15:4.....
"For God commanded, saying, 'Honor your father and mother '; and He who curses father or mother , let him be put to death'. Matthew 15:4
You do right to honor your one and only mother....Let love be your guide in all things....May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Shalom. 💜🕊💜
It is very hard to do what you have to do in placing your mother. I truly do understand that.
A lot of hard work here.
Your husband should not have used the obvious. He should have not needed to.
Five years is a long time to put up with your family in what is also his home. And what’s up with discussing him with your family? I would feel disloyal to him if I shared his feelings with others. Especially on such a sensitive matter. Maybe that’s just me. Turn to your husband to resolve this. Not your family. No wonder he hasn’t bonded with your family. He must feel as an outsider.
Is your son to be an only?
Careful of the burden you are placing on him as being the reason your mom stays in your home.
The image of a GM is one thing, the reality is another.
All the hallmark moments of GMs have them busy cooking and coddling, baby sitting and being a soft place to land. Regardless of your moms current physical fitness your mom is ill and will need more and more care or she would not even qualify for a Medicaid bed.
The primary relative your son needs are happy, focused parents. A father and a mother who don’t add baggage to get their own emotional needs met. This should at least be a goal. (sorry for the shoulds)
Make up your mind to protect your son from a discontented home. You may have to dig deeper to provide that than holding firm on the status quo.
Remember that the control you fear losing is perhaps your anxiety and grief over your mom’s decline. Those are real emotions. Therapy might help. I wish you well.
Your husband was battling being with you before your mother came, he just dealt with what was at hand and now he really wants you to take yourself and your mom somewhere else. Now that’s my thoughts but if I’m wrong, my apologies. People want reasons to get mad and blame the other for what they’re not feeling. This problem is deeper than your mom. I just have a problem when a person have to make a decision between love ones and honestly that’s cause love has been lost for the person that needs to make a decision.
:)
i hope you're finding good ways forward.
it's such a risk to post questions on this website, exposing what's going on in one's life.
some people are unfriendly. (i don't mean, stating an opinion that's different from one's own. that's ok. i mean -- unfriendly).
i hope some of the replies are useful for you.
i hope you're getting something out of the risk you took to post your question.
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i like your loving attitude towards your mother, whole family.
as you just wrote now:
"my husband wishes to speed up the process so to speak because she is an inconvenience"
that exact, awful, murderous attitude is what came to my mind for the 1st time, recently, regarding some people's non-helping siblings...that maybe through their inactions (non-help) and actions (sabotage, etc.), they secretly want to speed up the death.
i'm not talking about all non-helping siblings.
i mean, some.
speaking of my awful siblings, i would call them murderous.
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courage! :)
continue being the loving person i'm sure you are, towards your husband, son, mother, yourself.
bundle of joy :)
i'm referring to this:
"my husband wishes to speed up the process so to speak "
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there are some awful people who want to speed up the death.
I know in my heart of hearts if my husband wants to leave nothing I say or do will stop him. He has a great job, well established he will not be alone for long. Also not my style for fight for something that I should not have to fight for. Either he loves our family or not. It will be his choice in the end if he wants to split because I want to spend the few moments I have left with my mom as she is.
No man is worth giving that up I am sorry. I love him dearly, and I understand that this is not easy. No one ever said it was going to be easy all we can do is our best at the end of the day. I will try therapy with him, and I will keep an open mind regarding finding her apartment and getting aids. I draw the line at placement though. I will place her if her demands start to make my job as a mother impossible, I have been looking into places and trying to get her on waitlists for good placement.
End of the day my family is important, but what some seem to forget my mother is part of that family. It is not just my child and husband. I would do the same for my husband if god forbid something happened to him. I would do everything in my power to keep him comfortable and happy at home for as long as it is humanly possible.
exactly.
What happened to Genesis 2:24 leave his mother and father etc and…Let no man put asunder.
Now that's out of the way.
It sounds like you needed to go to family counseling, long before this.
That mr. husband, little m, small h, pulled the I paid the bills card, what a tiny p.., k we have here. You knew who he was long, long before this.
Did agree that you should not be hiding behind you mom and boy. You've got bigger problems.
There are elder care agents that, for a fee, will assess the situation and give you a lot of options.
If one of those options is to place your mom, get the best place you can, and let the folks there see you, and your boy visit her, a lot, but give your husband peace. "No" has the deciding vote in a household. No, not another dog, no not another adopted child, no we're not building a pool, but don't let that stop you. If you can't do one thing do another of your own doing that won't upset your marriage if you've got one. Show your son what grown ups can accomplish.
Don't teach your boy that he should mess up his marriage, and scar his children for you when the time comes.
I helped my parents, my husband's parents, currently I'm the source of everything for my super sweet pain in the a.. husband. It's a big, shoot me now, pain. We don't have kids or family. I'm constantly researching how not to be on balls of my a.. when I'm become the last person standing. It's a struggle, but I'm determined.
There are tons of Youtube video's. LEARN what's out there.
You can work from home or when your boy's in school. How old is he?
Call Social Services. Make mistakes. Grow.
nowhere did she make her husband sound terrible.
A relationship is what 2 people make it. Give and take, through good times and bad.
I see no help in quotes from the bible. I find them confusing and find they can be interpreted in many ways depending on who is reading them.
But here are some that I can understand and mostly agree with :)
Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.
Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
1 Timothy 5:8
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Peter 3:8
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.
Lastly:
Proverbs 24:3
By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established;
In all reality, I wish my mom had been the kind of mother that had made me want to cherish her company, but she was too self-absorbed to be able to care for any of the 7 of us siblings. She has 5 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren living close by, and none of them care if they ever see her again. Her fault, not theirs; but my sister and I are caring for her; but will never bring her into our homes.
I do hope you can find a way to solve this problem without the breakup of your marriage, but as her needs grow, you may find yourself caring for a severely handicapped mother, all by yourself. Good luck in finding a happy medium that meets his needs too.
i better post this here, before my message is accidentally misunderstood.
i said “her husband suggesting her mother go to a facility, is NOT murderous.”
him wanting to speed up the death, is.
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i'm not against facilities.
i've repeated this again and again.
there are good facilities in the world.
some are good, some are bad.
there are varying degrees of good/bad.
good facilities exist.
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suggesting that someone go to a facility is NOT murderous.
on the contrary, sometimes it's the greatest, best solution; the LO thrives; even if the LO doesn't thrive, it can still be the best, most loving solution.
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i'm saying there are some people who secretly want to speed up the death process.
for example, sometimes, some non-helping siblings secretly want to speed it up...
inheritance.
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i'm also not talking about elderly LOs who're towards the end, and for compassionate reasons, someone might think the LO prefers to die.
i'm talking about elderly LOs, who're elderly, an "inconvenience" (as stuck mentioned, referring to her husband's thoughts). hence, wanting to speed up the death.
He wants his life back, the life he'd signed up for when they married. It would only be "precious time with dear sweet Mama" if OP and Mama lived together, just the two of them. It is not the same for the husband, and it's unfair to the husband to expect him to just accept it.
If OP just cannot be away from Mama, then they both need to move into their own place until Mama requires too much care.
And no matter how many people on here relate their stores of their parents having a good experience, even thriving, in AL or SNF... there's still people on here who insist placing an elder is giving up on them, throwing them away, or just being mean selfish meanies. There's no winning.
However, would it be possible to have and ADU (Accessory Dwelling Unit) built on your property? Your mother could live there, just beside you, and you could be with her as much as you want, but she would not be literally living in your home. I'm sorry it seems that a nursing home is the only next step for your mother, due to finances, but have you truly explored every avenue you can think of to "free up" your home space while remaining near by?
You have a duty to your marriage as well as to your mother. Have an honest, non-confrontational, discussion with your husband about what his fears and irritations are, and see how you both can compromise. Right now, neither of you seems to want to do that, but I advise you to at least open the conversation. Don't you love all four of the people living in your house (I'm including you in that number). Trust me, caregiver burnout will happen to you and you may need your own "space" as well.