My Husband would like me to place my mother, I am not ready for that. My mother is not easy to handle, but we have been doing well. I left my job to care for our child, and in 2017 my mother moved in with us when my father passed away and she was no longer able to stay in her apartment.
My husband wants her out, he wants his space, and has even pulled the he pays the bills card on me. How can I explain to my husband that I want to enjoy all the time my mother has left. I have tried to tell him this but he just does not get it. I do understand dementia is a handful, and thanks to the fact my husband is able to support us on his own income is helpful cause it allows me stay home. I wish for our child to get to know his grandmother in a place she is comfortable with not in a nursing home, he did not have the chance to know his grandfather I do not want to rob him of that.
My mother and our son to get along wonderfully, and my mother loves having him around. I do understand that this was not meant to be a forever thing, but I am not ready to send my mother away. I use to work in a Medicaid SNF I know the horrors that go on. My husband downplays the quality of care they are capable of provide. I could not live with myself if I did that to her knowing full well how they operate.
My family told me to tell him if he wants her out then he has to pay for her placement to a better quality place, but in truth MC is not really the best wherever you go and the cost associated with private care is insane. By no means am I burnt out. I used to do this for a living so I am better equipped to handle it. My husband is the one that is burned out. He wants his home back. My husband is not much of a people person and have never really meshed with my family.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to spend as much time as humanly possible with my mom and child? Having both of them around has been pure joy for me. Sure she is complicated show me a person with dementia that is not. I understand his feelings, but I do not think it is fair to have him tell me when it is time to place my mother. I get it he just wants it to be the three of us, but that is not how things are right now. I have told him we still have many years together we can make up for lost time, please find some enjoyment. Our son has a chance to spend time with his last living grandparent do not rob that from him.
He was not pleased by this, I get it might be heavy handed but that is what he is doing. I have seen it many times I know many families say their loved ones are doing great in MC, and sure some are. Though they are not around all day. My mother, hell no one deserves to die in such a place if the a family member is able to and willing to put in the work at home. I get it I can do this because of him, but even still that should not give him a reason to tell me how to care for my mother.
Please advise what should I say or do, we have tried to talk it out and he is hard stuck on this.
You just told us that if your husband won't cooperate with YOUR plan, that he'll feel free to leave. And in your copious texts, you've not once acknowledged how you can relate to him at all. Why then would you expect the opposite?
When I was working I did use my salary to pay her care while I was at work, yes she is a picky but at the time I had to make it work cause I was working. Once I got pregnant we came to terms with me no longer working cause he had no intention to reduce his work load. Which I get, but end of the day it was not my choice for him to do that. I was fine with working, and making it work that way by paying for care for my mom. It was far from ideal and was stressful but I was far from miserable.
He knew it would get costly and my entire salary would go towards child care and care for my mother.
couldn't you just ask another family member to stay with your mom while you go to the park or out to dinner or ice cream or movie once a week? Just a couple of hours? Couldn't other family members help financially. Everyone has seemed to jumped to divorce, child custody, spouse is a jerk or you are a parasite.
Everyone so nasty. Goodness gracious.
My father and mother generally taken care of themselves, and I took much of that weight after university. That is why I am generally not phased by divorce if it comes down to it I will adapt and be fine like I was prior to marriage.
He also knew my parents were also going to be part of my family, this is not new to him.
I wish my family would step up would make things easier, but they live in their own bubble on my side of the family I was the first person to go to college and make something of their lives. Rest of my family for whatever reason did not go down such a route. I do not count on them for much of anything not even to watch my son for an hour.
Your husband is upset bc he sees he is not your priority. He just foots the bills. If you love him, as you say you do, try to come to a compromise. As someone who did not adequately value her good husband, be aware of what you may lose. You say your mom won’t be around forever. But neither will your husband.
Sigh. Life is not always a fairy story with a happy ending.. there are many many variances.
But if this WAS a Little Golden Book tale - what would get the best happy outcome for ALL involved?
#1 Bowl too hot: Family of Grandma, Mom, child & Dad live all together, all the time. But Dad unhappy. He emotionally checks out. Eventually considers moving out.
#2 Bowl too cold: Grandma moves out. But needs supervision/company. Some aides but Mom wants to be with her so Mom & child visit with Grandma most days.
Then Grandma needs overnight care too. Mom & child move in. Dad left to live alone.
#3 Bowl just right: is there one???
The OP said she does not want to place her Mom. As PeggySue highlighted, she has made her decision. That's where the story is stuck..
So the next chapter is then handed to the Husband to write.
Will he accept this? Accept this version of his family? Maybe find a way to adapt?
Or will he declare he will not. Demand his MIL leaves.
Regardless of whether the Grandma stays in their home or moves to a senior apartment, with or without aides, the story is the same:
Her version of her family INCLUDES Grandma.
But the husband's version does NOT.
I still maintain a marriage counselor may help to hear one another & discuss if compromise can work.
It does seem like for whatever reason people seem to think it is my duty to just say yes to him because he is fend up. We can adapt, we as adults have a far easier time adapting. Putting my mother in a home will more or less mimic every concern he had about me working outside the childcare aspect.
The problem is that your mom moved in because she couldn't keep her apartment, not because she needed care. Now she may need some care, who knows your narrative has been to fluid for me to follow, and she has worn out her welcome.
Why is your husband paying for everything if mom gets SS and you have a savings account?
The man gets less then 24 hours awake time at home and you think he's asking for to much to have some time alone with his wife and son!! You are unbelievable, not to mention selfish and self-centered. You obviously married a paycheck.
If my husband wants to take me to court and try to take our son away from me or limit custody so be it I will not fight anything over the property I am not helpless I was perfectly fine before him and I will be so after. I do not make big tech money, but as an RN I did make a decent living for myself. I will be just fine without a man. I will fight for the right to see our son though, if he wants to wage that war like many of you see to think he should or will, I will not go down without a fight.
Please understand a stay at home mom is not helpless or unskilled. Many of us had wonderful and fruitful careers prior. I do not "need" his support. I do not agree with what my family did say, but I get where they are coming from to a degree we easily could afford to place my mom in a higher end facility or even pay for private aids without us evening noticing it. Though I do not think it is fair to put that on him. I should have never brought up, but I was hurt by his pay the bills comment. It was a moment of weakness. That comment made me feel helpless and was one of my concerns when I agreed to leave the workforce. I did not want to feel like because he was the only one working my efforts did not amount to nothing.
My husband wants his space and his wife back end of story. I have two shadows our son and my mother. They follow me around wherever I go. I love having my duo around. Do not get me wrong I miss spending time with mu husband and I do wish we had more alone time together. It is rough cause even if my mother was not in the picture I do not trust anyone with my son yet either.
Sure he will not be alone for long if he up and left that is fair, that said I am willing to try and comprise and I will discuses it with him. I have already told him my hard line, and if he does not like it I will await the papers and we will put our child through that hell. It will have to be his choice though, and I will try to make things work within means that I find acceptable. I am not a huge fan of the apartment idea, but I am willing to try it out so he can have his space back again.
If we do split we most likely go down the co-parenting route. That said I will do what I can do prevent that from happening for our son, and I still love my husband. I just wish he could accept I also have other people in my life that need me. It cannot be all about him. I am one person who is loved and needed by three others.
You KNOW what you want to do, and that is to KEEP YOUR MOTHER! Just do it!
Which would you regret worse; moving your mother away, then she dies or losing your husband, and it just be the three of you? You already know the answer.
Follow your heart. Less regret.
It's beautiful that your son is being taught what it's like to appreciate and care for a human being. Maybe when you get old, he won't put you away in a nursing home.
In other countries, that's the norm; elders live with the family. The children are taught to help care for their elderly grandparents including feeding them.
What's your husband going to do with you, should you get Alzheimer's?
What would you do with your husband, should he get Alzheimer's? Have you asked him what he wants you to do with him? Ask him. See what he says.
Grew up going to nursing homes (mom worked in them), and therefore worked in that field til I was 35. Can't stand them, and have prayed to God that I die first before ever having to go to one.
Whether state run or private, they are horrible, as you already know! I'm sure there are good ones, but a nursing home is only as good as the INDIVIDUAL caring for the patient - when they are alone with the patient.
A woman (and her siblings) have their mother in one of the BEST nursing homes in the state! And pay a ridiculous amount of money each month. Yet they are trying to figure out why their mother has bruises on her arm. The facility told them their mother fell out of her wheelchair (what?). The next incident was a bruise on her leg (what?)...
My mother was a horrible mother! I made excuses for her behavior, as you make for your husband. I was such a "mama's girl" that when I was in my 30's I prayed for God to take away my good fortune/blessings because it would always upset my mother. I know! How stupid of me! A few years ago, before bringing my mother to live with me, I asked God to forgive me for that.
I had stopped speaking to her for two years when my daughter called and said, "Your crazy sister is trying to put Granny into a nursing home..." I went and got my mother. Moved her in with me. Quit my job, and the rest is history. My three siblings don't help. Just me. 24/7. And yes it's hell, but I KNOW I'll get through this. I'm in my 60's, now.
At the age of 42, I began to realize that she's always been mentally ill: MASTER manipulator and a NARCISSISTIC psychopath/sociopath. I learned that mental illness is also a cause of Alzheimer's. Anyhoo, I now have all that in an 83 year old mother who still competes with me, "I'm only two years older than my daughter...", she tells a friend on the phone. She's also embarrassingly condescending to other elders & seniors, "I'm so glad that there's a place for you seniors to go and enjoy activities..." I don't hesitate to point out, "You're not only a senior, Mom, but an elder." She hates that, and admits that she hates that she's a senior/elder.
I think if we learn acceptance from an early age, maybe we wouldn't need drugs or alcohol to cope with life.
Life is too short. I think you may have written this letter to get permission to do what you KNOW you really want to do.
Give yourself permission.
What decision would make you happy?
Looking ahead, one year from now, what makes you smile? Five years from now? I see you with your Mom & son, and happy as a lark, as they say.
you sound like a very wise, enlightened individual.
thanks for sharing.
However, would it be possible to have and ADU (Accessory Dwelling Unit) built on your property? Your mother could live there, just beside you, and you could be with her as much as you want, but she would not be literally living in your home. I'm sorry it seems that a nursing home is the only next step for your mother, due to finances, but have you truly explored every avenue you can think of to "free up" your home space while remaining near by?
You have a duty to your marriage as well as to your mother. Have an honest, non-confrontational, discussion with your husband about what his fears and irritations are, and see how you both can compromise. Right now, neither of you seems to want to do that, but I advise you to at least open the conversation. Don't you love all four of the people living in your house (I'm including you in that number). Trust me, caregiver burnout will happen to you and you may need your own "space" as well.
He wants his life back, the life he'd signed up for when they married. It would only be "precious time with dear sweet Mama" if OP and Mama lived together, just the two of them. It is not the same for the husband, and it's unfair to the husband to expect him to just accept it.
If OP just cannot be away from Mama, then they both need to move into their own place until Mama requires too much care.
And no matter how many people on here relate their stores of their parents having a good experience, even thriving, in AL or SNF... there's still people on here who insist placing an elder is giving up on them, throwing them away, or just being mean selfish meanies. There's no winning.
i better post this here, before my message is accidentally misunderstood.
i said “her husband suggesting her mother go to a facility, is NOT murderous.”
him wanting to speed up the death, is.
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i'm not against facilities.
i've repeated this again and again.
there are good facilities in the world.
some are good, some are bad.
there are varying degrees of good/bad.
good facilities exist.
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suggesting that someone go to a facility is NOT murderous.
on the contrary, sometimes it's the greatest, best solution; the LO thrives; even if the LO doesn't thrive, it can still be the best, most loving solution.
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i'm saying there are some people who secretly want to speed up the death process.
for example, sometimes, some non-helping siblings secretly want to speed it up...
inheritance.
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i'm also not talking about elderly LOs who're towards the end, and for compassionate reasons, someone might think the LO prefers to die.
i'm talking about elderly LOs, who're elderly, an "inconvenience" (as stuck mentioned, referring to her husband's thoughts). hence, wanting to speed up the death.
In all reality, I wish my mom had been the kind of mother that had made me want to cherish her company, but she was too self-absorbed to be able to care for any of the 7 of us siblings. She has 5 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren living close by, and none of them care if they ever see her again. Her fault, not theirs; but my sister and I are caring for her; but will never bring her into our homes.
I do hope you can find a way to solve this problem without the breakup of your marriage, but as her needs grow, you may find yourself caring for a severely handicapped mother, all by yourself. Good luck in finding a happy medium that meets his needs too.
What happened to Genesis 2:24 leave his mother and father etc and…Let no man put asunder.
Now that's out of the way.
It sounds like you needed to go to family counseling, long before this.
That mr. husband, little m, small h, pulled the I paid the bills card, what a tiny p.., k we have here. You knew who he was long, long before this.
Did agree that you should not be hiding behind you mom and boy. You've got bigger problems.
There are elder care agents that, for a fee, will assess the situation and give you a lot of options.
If one of those options is to place your mom, get the best place you can, and let the folks there see you, and your boy visit her, a lot, but give your husband peace. "No" has the deciding vote in a household. No, not another dog, no not another adopted child, no we're not building a pool, but don't let that stop you. If you can't do one thing do another of your own doing that won't upset your marriage if you've got one. Show your son what grown ups can accomplish.
Don't teach your boy that he should mess up his marriage, and scar his children for you when the time comes.
I helped my parents, my husband's parents, currently I'm the source of everything for my super sweet pain in the a.. husband. It's a big, shoot me now, pain. We don't have kids or family. I'm constantly researching how not to be on balls of my a.. when I'm become the last person standing. It's a struggle, but I'm determined.
There are tons of Youtube video's. LEARN what's out there.
You can work from home or when your boy's in school. How old is he?
Call Social Services. Make mistakes. Grow.
nowhere did she make her husband sound terrible.
A relationship is what 2 people make it. Give and take, through good times and bad.
I see no help in quotes from the bible. I find them confusing and find they can be interpreted in many ways depending on who is reading them.
But here are some that I can understand and mostly agree with :)
Colossians 3:19
Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.
Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
1 Timothy 5:8
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Peter 3:8
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.
Lastly:
Proverbs 24:3
By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established;
I know in my heart of hearts if my husband wants to leave nothing I say or do will stop him. He has a great job, well established he will not be alone for long. Also not my style for fight for something that I should not have to fight for. Either he loves our family or not. It will be his choice in the end if he wants to split because I want to spend the few moments I have left with my mom as she is.
No man is worth giving that up I am sorry. I love him dearly, and I understand that this is not easy. No one ever said it was going to be easy all we can do is our best at the end of the day. I will try therapy with him, and I will keep an open mind regarding finding her apartment and getting aids. I draw the line at placement though. I will place her if her demands start to make my job as a mother impossible, I have been looking into places and trying to get her on waitlists for good placement.
End of the day my family is important, but what some seem to forget my mother is part of that family. It is not just my child and husband. I would do the same for my husband if god forbid something happened to him. I would do everything in my power to keep him comfortable and happy at home for as long as it is humanly possible.
exactly.
:)
i hope you're finding good ways forward.
it's such a risk to post questions on this website, exposing what's going on in one's life.
some people are unfriendly. (i don't mean, stating an opinion that's different from one's own. that's ok. i mean -- unfriendly).
i hope some of the replies are useful for you.
i hope you're getting something out of the risk you took to post your question.
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i like your loving attitude towards your mother, whole family.
as you just wrote now:
"my husband wishes to speed up the process so to speak because she is an inconvenience"
that exact, awful, murderous attitude is what came to my mind for the 1st time, recently, regarding some people's non-helping siblings...that maybe through their inactions (non-help) and actions (sabotage, etc.), they secretly want to speed up the death.
i'm not talking about all non-helping siblings.
i mean, some.
speaking of my awful siblings, i would call them murderous.
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courage! :)
continue being the loving person i'm sure you are, towards your husband, son, mother, yourself.
bundle of joy :)
i'm referring to this:
"my husband wishes to speed up the process so to speak "
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there are some awful people who want to speed up the death.
Your husband was battling being with you before your mother came, he just dealt with what was at hand and now he really wants you to take yourself and your mom somewhere else. Now that’s my thoughts but if I’m wrong, my apologies. People want reasons to get mad and blame the other for what they’re not feeling. This problem is deeper than your mom. I just have a problem when a person have to make a decision between love ones and honestly that’s cause love has been lost for the person that needs to make a decision.
It is very hard to do what you have to do in placing your mother. I truly do understand that.
A lot of hard work here.
Your husband should not have used the obvious. He should have not needed to.
Five years is a long time to put up with your family in what is also his home. And what’s up with discussing him with your family? I would feel disloyal to him if I shared his feelings with others. Especially on such a sensitive matter. Maybe that’s just me. Turn to your husband to resolve this. Not your family. No wonder he hasn’t bonded with your family. He must feel as an outsider.
Is your son to be an only?
Careful of the burden you are placing on him as being the reason your mom stays in your home.
The image of a GM is one thing, the reality is another.
All the hallmark moments of GMs have them busy cooking and coddling, baby sitting and being a soft place to land. Regardless of your moms current physical fitness your mom is ill and will need more and more care or she would not even qualify for a Medicaid bed.
The primary relative your son needs are happy, focused parents. A father and a mother who don’t add baggage to get their own emotional needs met. This should at least be a goal. (sorry for the shoulds)
Make up your mind to protect your son from a discontented home. You may have to dig deeper to provide that than holding firm on the status quo.
Remember that the control you fear losing is perhaps your anxiety and grief over your mom’s decline. Those are real emotions. Therapy might help. I wish you well.
You are doing the right thing by loving your mother and caring for her to the best of your ability.
This time with your son and mother is limited, and therefore, precious. You won't always have your mother.
As time passes, her dementia may worsen to the point of you being forced to place her somewhere, but, for now, these days are precious and few.
I wonder what your husband would want, should he one day get stuck down by dementia, and desperately need help. Would he expect to be placed away from home right away? Or, would he prefer being cared for by family until that time?
I will pray for your situation, and perhaps the Lord will soften the heart of your husband.
You are doing right by choosing to care for and love your family. The Bible says: Matthew 15:4.....
"For God commanded, saying, 'Honor your father and mother '; and He who curses father or mother , let him be put to death'. Matthew 15:4
You do right to honor your one and only mother....Let love be your guide in all things....May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Shalom. 💜🕊💜
If it was his mother and he spent so much time and resources with her you might feel differently.
I have a 46 quadriplegic sister and an 80 mother with Parkinson’s, family needs can get out of hand if you don’t have balance. I was never allowed to say it’s just too much. Let your husband have a say and don’t guilt him if he has a different opinion.
I am very lucky to have my girlfriend who will become my wife here in 4-5 months she helps me in every way with my mother from changing, feeding and spending time with her.
However.. nothing will come in between me and my mother. Ohh, we had our rough patches and not my mother involvement but I told her, she does not have to do this, she can leave, ill understand..
I will not lie.. I thought of having my mother placed in a facility here in Dallas, Texas. Yes, I heard the horror stories too.. MC facilities just suck, my mother will be just a number.
We did respite care while my future wife and I went out of town. We placed her in a facility for 5 days. OMG. I told my lady, if we placed her here she would just treble up and die. Cold, lonely room. I took her out of there. She is now in the best care facility DFW can offer. She gets 100 percent care and love and kisses and she hears I love you constantly.. That facility is my house.
But you are in a different situation. Do you have family members that can help? I dont.. no family members lift a finger, so I don't lift a care if they fade away of my life.
Ok, if you don't then you're in a tough, tough pickle. Is your husband so selfish that he won't see the damage he will cause you mentally? How does he think after he evicted your mother that life will go back to normal? Maybe he don't care..
You just say no to his demands. Maybe you're afraid to see who he really is..
The courts will be on your side in this matter, they'll see him your husband as selfish and will not be nice to him..
I am sorry of your situation.
P.s.. my future wife has a sister who is mentally retarded who is just a younger version of my mother now. She also needs complete caring like my mother does.
My future wife's mother who is 83 years old is the one caring for that girl. Her mother will pass away at some point given the age but she's healthy but no matter. She's 83.
Anoway. There's a good chance, she might come live here at my house when her mother passes away. The wifes younger sister has been elected to take her, she's already indicated as soon as her mother dies, she's placing her at a facility, my wife won't stand for that.
so I'll better remember what my wife is doing, I won't be a cold SOB when that time comes.
Why should he NOT have a say on what happens in the home he pays for?
I see a man who stood up for himself and a wife who wouldn’t have it. He’s not allowed an opinion in the home he pays for. That is ridiculous and controlling. If anyone is being unfair, it’s the person ignoring her spouse’s pleas for space in the home he pays for then trying to make him out to be the bad guy for standing up for himself. Talk about breeding resentment…
There are excellent care homes out there. I know this for a fact as my mom is in one. I can pop in any time and the owner is excellent at communicating. I also know there are excellent care homes out there as I used to be in the senior care industry and have visited over 1,000 memory care and ALs across the country. Before you turn down your husband check out the care homes in your area. The Alzheimer’s Association is an excellent resource.
Being forced to do something like that is not so simple. It is your mother and you love her, and obviously you have an excellent relationship with her. The only one suffering is him, because, he doesn't have his space, because you pay less attention to him??
Are you neglecting other responsibilities that your role in this family requires?
Maybe he could get involved a bit more and help you out?
Unfortunately life is not always how we want it, and sometimes it gets interrupted.
He needs to understand that you need to do this, and he should be a loving, considerate, sensitive, compassionate husband/man to you.
I know it's hard but we all sometimes have to go through challenges in life and sometimes we have to just face them for awhile, it is a growing experience for all involved and it's not forever.
My husband does not come second, I love him dearly but my family and he have to understand I will do everthing I can to be close to them and honor them, your time is limited with your mom and this time is precious. You will probably have to go against the crowd, I see some that do not understand your heart and stand up for your mom and yourself and have no regrets. My husband is a big boy like yours and he will survive, sounds tough but as my pastor taught sometimes we have detours in our life, not always a straight line to where we think we should be doing or have, because of this detour you are making precious memories with your son and mom, so I say your husband has to put on his big boy pants and when you feel its time to place your mom you will, but until then savor the time and journey with her and if he wants to join you then great. My husband is mostly ok but sometimes I get angry words like its time for you to move in ... my dad is 88 on dialysis and stepmom has a trac and feeding tube, time goes fast and I am going to do what I am going to do, there choices are not always pure so God Bess you. David had a caregiver, hopefully your son if needed will stand up for you some day.
sandy
I'm truly interested to know.
She needs to do what her heart tells her. May she find the answer and have peace.
With a NYC divorce, OP will face loss of health insurance for herself. If the homestead is actually an SFR in Brooklyn, it will have to be sold so as to split the assets. Her child will likely shuttle on a 3/4 alternating night schedule between the parents. A vocational evaluation will determine what her realistic earnings potential is, which will be calculated in any settlement. In other words, she'll have to work. The more "picky" mom then gets about not liking aides or a day program, the more likely she gets kicked out AND THEN OP has to deal with putting her in a home.
Meanwhile, the H is some tech guy that actually gets paid to travel a lot? I've known senior developers at Adobe that don't even have company-paid iPhones, so this guy is kinda up there. With this traveling and work interaction, he comes into contact with plenty of women as successful as he is. Who won't come with OP's demands if he wants to have more children--or just get out.