My 91 year old Mom is on hospice in a nice assisted living facility (not fancy, but well run and they care about their patients). This is the second time my Mom has called in the evening furious because she says the staff is not giving her the nighttime medicines, so she is not going to be able to sleep. It was a blow up a week ago - she called me a liar, told me her blood pressure was not too low (as if she knew), hung up on me twice, and complained that I always take their side. I finally had to block her on my phone. The hopice nurse practitioner instructed the staff to go ahead and give her a sedative medication they have on file to give her PRN for this type of incident. The director spoke to her the next day and explained how they cannot give her the blood pressure medication when her blood pressure is below a certain level. Same thing tonight. Now, she doesn't remember that a few days ago while I was there visiting, the hospice nurse practitioner came in and explained to both of us again what had happened and said they had cut her night time blood pressure medication but increased her sleeping medicine (actually just melatonin) to help her sleep. Now she is furious again that she is no longer getting all her night time medications, She has no memory of the nurse practioner coming in to talk with us. She is furious and does not want the "nurses" changing her medications without the "doctor's" input. (Of course there is no explaining to her that the nurse practioner sees her daily, reports everything to the doctor and the doctor writes up orders for her treatment). Today, we had lost a dear pet that had been sick for awhile and we loved very much. I told my Mom I could not talk about this today - I was actually crying by then. I literally cannot take anymore. I am the only family member left to deal with her. I have taken care of her for many years, and I admit I helped her too much, and have created a monster. I don't even want to see her anymore. I have major depressive disorder and am doing my best to get medications adjusted, therapy appointments and even considering some advanced treatments like electric shock therapy. Everything is always all about her. What anyone else is going through means nothing. Do I cut her off completely to save myself? Ask the hospice to give her the sedative medication nightly with her melatonin before she even starts into one of her episodes? She is not open to having a companion come in to visit. She won't leave her room to visit or interact with other residents and staff. She stays in her room and reads or plays games on her tablet. She wants me to entertain her, take her out, keep her happy - she can barely walk with a walker. I have nothing left to give.
You can't make or keep her happy. You've expended a lot of effort but she is not going to remember the medication thing, the nurse thing, the doctor thing. Why not use a therapeutic lie, let them give her a sedative at night every night before she gets ready for bed? That would keep her anxiety lower and while she still may be upset about the night meds, you all could tell her you will take this up to the highest level directly in the am. You'll have the nurse communicate her directives tomorrow in the morning and you're sure the doctor will take action!
Don't put too much attention on these complaints, they are common and you can't do much about them but commiserate, do therapeutic fibs to redirect the person, and keep in mind this is not really a personal thing about you, but you happen to be getting the brunt of it. The advice others have given you is correct. You have to emotionally separate your *self* from her complaints.
They are not about you and you shouldn't make any decisions as to how you feel about yourself based on these complaints and comments. They are obviously not reasonable complaints and even if they were there is no reason to be angry with you over any of them. Would you be upset if she accused you of conspiring with Bigfoot against her? That's kind of what this is like.
Take several weeks off. When you decide to visit visit once a week or once every two weeks. Keep it short, like 15-20 minutes. When you leave tell her you have an appointment. Stop taking her places.
Let phone calls roll into voice mail.
It is not their prerogative to destroy OP's life. OP needs to take a break as Brandee says, OP cannot fix what is broken and cannot be mended.
I'm pretty tough, so I would cut her off completely...after you tell her why! At 91, she may not last much longer, so doing something drastic won't be that easy.
Go to a park and take a walk, buy yourself some flowers, or get a manicure or pedicure. Go see a cute, funny movie, just spend some quality "ME" time. Go buy a pair of new shoes, anything you have wanted for a long time.
I'm sorry you are so abused and unappreciated by your Mom. Don't spend so much time visiting her, she has her attention she wants from the facility staff.
Then send Mom an email every day, telling her "I'm not getting better yet" and make other plans. You deserve it! Your Mom will maybe snap ou of it, but don't expect it.
Time to step away for awhile, or even permanently if you desire.
Your Mom's in Assisted Living. That's a privilege that most seniors will never be able to afford. She has people to take care of her, she can still read at her age, she enjoys playing games on her tablet.
She has 24 hour care.
You don't have to go through this torment, honestly you don't.
Please don't allow her to ruin your life by her outbursts. From what you say, it sounds like she doesn't even remember the awful things she says to you. But you do - and that's what matters.
If it was me, and I knew my Mom was safe in Assisted Living at 91 years of age and she treated me that badly - I'd take a break. A long one, I'd turn off the phone, not answer calls, and visit rarely. You are entitled to your life. And a happy and healthy one.
Some seniors with Alzheimer's get mean and stubborn. As they always say on here "her brain is broken." That's sad, but it's the truth. You can't fix it, not ever. But, you can live the happy life you are meant to enjoy .... knowing that Mom is safe and protected and under good care with Hospice at an Assisted Living facility.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your sweet pet. It's a very sad day. I'm sorry.
Never forget that YOU MATTER. You are important, it's not just all about your Mom.
You can’t fix Mom , her brain is broken and she can not be reasoned with .So step back at least for a while , or permanently at some point if you want or need to .
Please Choose you . Save yourself .
Sometimes it comes down to the elder or you . Your Doctor would say to take care of yourself .