Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
You have been married to a controlling and abusive man for a long time.
Yes, you need to leave, but this is NOT your kids' problem.
Have you spoken to a lawyer? (I think some of us may have advised that in the past).
Call the local (to him) police and ask for a wellness check. Tell them that you have a family emergency or health emergency of your own to attend to (you do).
If police find DH needs attention they will take him to ER for a "social admit".
Find yourself a quiet hotel room and take stock of your next steps.
Pamela, use this time to seek calm and reflect on your next step. While you are away, check out facilities where he could be placed. Then after some restorative time, choose one and move forward to get him there.
Have you ever heard of Morita therapy? Its principles are knowing what is controllable and what is not controllable, and seeing what is so without attachment to expectations. Feelings are acknowledged but not always acted upon. It emphasizes focusing on the full scope of the present moment and deciding what needs to be done. Three useful steps are acknowledging feelings, determining your purpose, and then taking steps to reach your goals. This would be a good time for you to study Morita's teachings.
I am so proud of you for taking steps to get away from this horrible situation. Stay strong and refuse to care for him anymore. You deserve better.
I don’t know what it’s like in America but even with Alzheimer’s here in Australia if he had struck you or attacked you, you call the police and he will be removed from the home. You say you won’t have him back because you fear for your safety. He would be taken to an adult mental health ward where he would be reassessed and stay there till full time alternative care is found for him. Can you do this?
Just want to say, please read Pams previous posts. This is her first one since Jan 22. She is caring for a man who was abusive before his diagnoses. They separated and she took him back because of her "vows" and he was worse, then...he was diagnosed with ALZ. I can only imagine what she is going thru the last 18 months.
Your marriage vows don't mean you need to put up with abuse. They also say "to cherish". I doubt that God wants one of his children abused in any way.
I am here to tell you exactly what to do. Screw the system, leave never come back tell your adult kids to call APS and tell them they have no clue where you are or how to contact you. Let the man rot in a facility. By no means do you go back to deal with this, your mental health is more important and I am sure your kids will understand.
The system will just drag this out force you to deal with the situation longer than you should given your mental health. F him. My mom was in a similar situation my father had alcohol related dementia and he was an abusive POS. I covered for her after she had a break down, and dealt with placement and shit. Good kids will do this for their parent. Go be free it sucks, and took time but my mom is much happier.
Burnout is pretty much inevitable. Hiring respite care in-home helps but has minimal carryover when you come home. After four years, I am convinced most of us aren't wire for the verbal abuse that seems inevitable. One-on-one, particularly spousal caregivers are doing the right thing but maybe for the wrong reasons. My wife does best in a communal setting like our Bible study and worship on Sunday. I just enrolled her in a daycare arrangement and, if she doesn't balk over my leaving her there i the mornings, I think she will quickly come to enjoy the group activities. We took a couple of short visits there and she lit up each time as she went from person t person expressing her love for them as if she had known them all her life. She even does that to strangers in the grocery store. To repeat, most spouses are doomed to burnout and even disrespect which exacerbates the problems. Find a communal setting if your husband is not physically unable to attend.
I’m so sorry your burnout has come to this. Instead of telling your adult children they must come provide care, let them know you cannot carry on as it’s been and you need their help for a new plan for care, either professional help in home or their dad moving to where professional help is available. This is crisis time for you both and care for you both is essential. Find a quiet hotel and spend a few days decompressing and healing. I wish you peace
Try to calm down. I have those hard days with my ex living here. I go somewhere alone and have a good cry...until my eyes burn.
Then I come home and pretend I'm fine. I know how overwhelming, frustrating and heartbreaking it is to see this, and be forced to deal with it. Especially if you have a heart.
Start working on placing him. I've been doing it 18 months, and finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I'm crying for you right now. I GET IT.
Time for husband to move into a facility. If this can't happen then divorce him and move out. Sorry you are suffering because of your husband's abuse. The Alzheimer's only made it worse.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You have been married to a controlling and abusive man for a long time.
Yes, you need to leave, but this is NOT your kids' problem.
Have you spoken to a lawyer? (I think some of us may have advised that in the past).
Call the local (to him) police and ask for a wellness check. Tell them that you have a family emergency or health emergency of your own to attend to (you do).
If police find DH needs attention they will take him to ER for a "social admit".
Find yourself a quiet hotel room and take stock of your next steps.
Have you ever heard of Morita therapy? Its principles are knowing what is controllable and what is not controllable, and seeing what is so without attachment to expectations. Feelings are acknowledged but not always acted upon. It emphasizes focusing on the full scope of the present moment and deciding what needs to be done. Three useful steps are acknowledging feelings, determining your purpose, and then taking steps to reach your goals. This would be a good time for you to study Morita's teachings.
I am so proud of you for taking steps to get away from this horrible situation. Stay strong and refuse to care for him anymore. You deserve better.
Your marriage vows don't mean you need to put up with abuse. They also say "to cherish". I doubt that God wants one of his children abused in any way.
Leave and let the children call APS.
The system will just drag this out force you to deal with the situation longer than you should given your mental health. F him. My mom was in a similar situation my father had alcohol related dementia and he was an abusive POS. I covered for her after she had a break down, and dealt with placement and shit. Good kids will do this for their parent. Go be free it sucks, and took time but my mom is much happier.
Then I come home and pretend I'm fine. I know how overwhelming, frustrating and heartbreaking it is to see this, and be forced to deal with it. Especially if you have a heart.
Start working on placing him. I've been doing it 18 months, and finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I'm crying for you right now. I GET IT.
If he needs urgent help, please call APS; don’t just drive away and abandon him.
She has driven away and left him.