I am over it. I've never had a healthy relationship with my parents. I live on te west coast. My family all live on the east coast. My two older brothers both have passed away and I was the one who had to go deal with my one brother's hoarder house, cleaning, the estate sale etc. and then my other brother who basically drank himself to death in his bedroom in a crappy NYC apartment surrounded by trash, cat waste and a lunatic roommate. My parents did nothing as my moms dementia advanced. Now she's finally in a care facility but it isn't great. Yesterday my 97 yr old dad apparently slipped and fell in the garage and lay there for so long his body temp was 80 degrees. The neighbor found him and called 911. Now he's in ICU. I've got the facility calling me to tell me my mom is biting people (and then they realized she had a UTI). I've got the dr calling me with updates about my dad- who has no DNR in place so now it's on me to make the decisions. I am over this. I don't want to deal with this anymore. They put off any plan for their years and now it's another crap pile for me. I am still working full time and am not able to just keep flying back and forth to them. What are my options?
You did not cause this and you can't fix it so there is no guilt.
You need to switch words because words we tell ourselves matter. You need the other G-word which is GRIEF. Grief is what you feel and it's an appropriate feeling, but it also lets you know that you are not a martyred Saint and you are not a victim in this. This is a sad fact of life, of aging in America, and you are doing what you can with your own set of human limitations. We see people here get ill, desperate and even die before their elders. That isn't right nor fair given that our elders have HAD their lives. We have a right to a life as well. There is a kind of hubris in thinking we have the power to fix all this without pain and tears. We simply don't.
I was POA for an aunt, and while we're on the same coast, I was several hours away and couldn't get to her fast.
I happened to be home one evening and a cop called me from my aunt's house to tell me my aunt had fallen. He told me she was ok, but he felt better if someone could come and stay with her. By the time I would have gotten to her, it probably would have been 1bir 2 in the morning. I told him that my cousin who lives about 50 minutes from her will come check on her.
Point is, you're too far to make decisions and they'll call on you all of the time fo almost everything. I stepped down as POA and I told aunt's neighbor that the state can take over, as far as I was concerned. I was just too far.
You do not say that you are POA. If you are, let us know as resigning it is somewhat complicated if your parents have dementia, and requires an attorney.
You are in no place, on the other side of the country to manage ANY of this.
If necessary call APS and tell them this, and tell them that your parents need state guardianship.
What I am basically telling you is that you need to bow out of this because it is not doable. You cannot manage this. Allow the state to take over and understand that at that point you have zero to say about placement, where and how, and management of their finances.
You cannot do what you cannot do.
You can't be a guardian this far away. And its expensive unless Mom and Dad have money. Each would need guardianship and I would figure it has to be in the State they live in. Having guardianship means a yearly report to the state and I think you nay need to see them to report they are doing fine and getting medical treatment they need.
You can opt out completely. Let a judge assign a 3rd party guardian for each of them who will make all decisions and do all management going forward. You just have to decide if you can live with this solution and the choices the guardian makes, Once the each have a guardian, you will be locked out of access to any of their accounts, assets, home, car, everything. They aren't "taking" it put are supposed to be protecting it for them. My family's personal experience with a legal guardian for my jerk of a SFIL was a positive one (here in MN). It was a relief. He had no money to pay for any care and he didn't plan and we weren't going to be paying for him for anything.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you choose what to do.