I didn’t sign up for this, living with MIL and I hate it. I want to run away. Is that my only option?

What is going through the mind of the MIL?

I'm guessing she's not thinking that she should give her grown son and his new wife any respect or privacy as adults in their own home.

Instead,

She's thinking: "Heck, they don't need any privacy. I'll bring my friends over here whenever I want. This is my son's house, which is the same as my house. And that girl, the one he married, she's not important."

She's thinking: "Who's more important to my son? His mother or some girl (I don't like) who just married my wonderful son. Lowly girl, you're lucky my son married you. Of course, I am more important, the most important person to him. I birthed him. He owes me his life. He has to take care of me. Me. Me. Me."

Never once does it cross her mind what her daughter in law wants. Does DIL mind that I stay here and take the position of the lady of the house? Do son and wife want space of their own for some private/intimate time? No, no, and no.

And the poor BOY. Mama's boy. Maybell, so sorry you picked him. Please please don't make any kids with this immature male. Ask yourself how much of your life you want to give to this duo: Mama and her boy.

Oh my. I'm in my last year of the 60's.
Since you are a newlywed, it sounds like you are seeing a different side of your husband that you didn't see / know about before you said your "I do's" -
this is the 'for better or for WORSE' part, perhaps.

And perhaps not.

You are young and deserve to be respected as a person, a wife, and part of this three-party unit. Stand up for yourself and perhaps you may want to move out until MIL moves into this house she is buying. If you decide to move out, your husband may miraculously find his mother a house sooner than anyone could have imagined. Don't be a doormat. If your husband makes these kinds of decisions not considering your feelings, this may be the writing on the wall down the road. As an old saying "he's showing his true colors" - I may sound harsh to you. I feel for you in this situation and I feel some anger 'on your behalf' as I feel and 110% believe your husband needs to respect you and your needs more, as his wife. If you allow him to make these unilateral decisions now, what will happen the next time the two of you have a serious disagreement? Think about it. Mommy could move in a rental until a house to buy becomes available. Or mommy can get you an apartment and your husband can come over and visit you. I look forward to seeing how this scenario plays out. Keep us informed! We're here for you.

If you even question "I'm not sure he's going to pick me." why would you want to be married to him? He is telling you loud and clear where he stands, how he values you, and his mother. As many have said here, get counseling, leave for a while or find an apt for yourself, learn how to value who you are as a person. Frankly, he doesn't deserve you. His mother does.

Thank you for replying openly to people's questions (including mine).

Well. Look. Now then.

Man getting on with his life, successful enough at least to get himself a family-sized house. His mother, who raised him as a single parent, is looking after her mother and struggling to the extent, at least, that she's not keeping her own house in good shape. He doesn't cook or clean, she does both, she and mother move into his house and they all rub along. Grandma ages and moves into a nursing home. Time passes.

Along comes girlfriend, and presumably is made a welcome guest? More time passes. Girlfriend does not give up and go away, girlfriend fits in. Eventually man proposes marriage, girlfriend moots point about husband and wife needing their own space as newly weds, man discusses this with his mother, mother agrees in principle.

And *does* agree in practice, to the extent that on the marriage, she *did* make herself scarce. For the honeymoon period. Which, it seems, is what she thought everyone was talking about, apart from vague ideas about moving into a house which has proved too inconvenient and apparently unnecessary to take any further.

Sigh.

Maybell, you have known this woman for *five* *years*. And you can't talk honestly and kindly and in practical terms to her about her wants and expectations, and your own?

I think you have fooled yourself into believing that once you were married, everything would change, just like that, by virtue simply of your now being married.

You have three options.

1. Leave, retrace your steps.
2. Stay, and accept that it's for you to fit in to a family structure that everyone else is perfectly happy with.
3. Stay, and communicate honestly with ALL of the people involved what your needs and feelings are.

The way your husband and his mother organised their home long before you got there, by the way, is not an "unacceptable way to live." It's just not acceptable to you. Now, its being unacceptable to you either matters to them - and they will agree to adapt themselves to your needs because they love you and want you in their family - or it doesn't, because truth be told you're not essential.

You are going to have to find out, and take it from there. One way to brace yourself for finding out might be to think through what you will do either way. Any ideas?

In case this question has not been asked: do you and your husband still have children living at home? If not, tell your husband you need a break and will be away for one week. Check in a local hotel to enjoy some respite. Your husband will learn what it is like to care for his own mother.

When dh and I got married, his mother always told me that he had promised to take care of her when she got old. He is the oldest of 4 children. I'm sure you can check out my past posts to see how things got and we needed to buy a house for us that she could move into. Even that didn't really work and it lasted about a year. Our solution that worked great for her and for us was to build a handicapped apartment onto our house. It was her apartment, she made all the decisions on the layout, the fixtures, ect and she paid about 75% of the costs. She had her own entrance so she could have company anytime and it didn't bother us at all. We had a shared door from our family room but the rule was no back and forth from either side without knocking and waiting for the door to be answered. Took a few times being firm about it but it worked GREAT. Is this something that might work for you?

She needs to go. I have played the MIL game too many times. I now see it as don't let her (mine) get one foot in the door. I don't allow overnights or anything tenporary. Early in my marriage it was he is her only son and wants to buy him a house and stay for a little bit. The house was never in his name and she never left. Living with her was a nightmare. She has tried over the years to manipulate her way in. Nope. Not having it.
Stand up for yourself. No one else is going to. She will manipulate to stay there. Not sure about where you are but there are protocols in place in some states for real estate including virtual. Sounds like mother and son are full of excuses. She needs to go.

It seems your husband cares about his mother's needs more than your needs. That will never change. Pack your bags, honey, and run... fast. My mother had a horrible time with her mother-in-law. Her MIL was bossy and mean.

My biggest regret is that I did not leave my husband in the early years of our marriage. His adultery gave me every legitimate reason to leave.

In a way, your husband is giving what should be yours (attention, affection, time, companionship, respect, etc.) to another woman, his mother. I don't think we should limit the definition of adultery to sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse. In my opinion, any time a man gives to another person, in particular a woman, what should be devoted to his wife, he has committed adultery.

You said in one reply that he doesn't want people outside the house knowing what goes on inside. That is always a big red flag for me. I hid what went on inside our home until Dec. 2017 (believe me, the revelation was that pivotal that I can tell you almost to the date and time of the first time I spoke honestly to someone).

You need to put space between you and your husband and his mother. Whether you pursue permanent space or temporary space is something you will have to decide. But don't allow your future to be stolen by this situation.

At times like this I make a list with the pros and the cons. So far in your post there seems to be very few pros and you have a clear decision to make.
In terms of you MIL she has made it a competition and she is winning. It doesn't look like your husband can see it and probably never has and never will. She will keep him her little boy until the day one of them dies.
I would leave because it will probably get worse and you will be very unhappy. Plan it properly though because she will do her best to make sure you leave with nothing and will make leaving a problem too, even though that is what she wants.
Good luck!

Your husband is a momma's boy. He won't ever go up against her. Most momma boys never will bc the momma has been ruling him since birth. Too much guilt to go against her. That unbilical cord is stuck fast and will never be cut this late in life. So he already picked her first. That is why she is living with him before you came along! It is too convenient for her to leave, so why would she? If she left she would be alone. She doesn't want to be alone, that is why she is living with him. Seems like she is ruling the household too. She considers it her house, so why should she move out of her house? He is her suragate husband. She has him right where she wants him. They probably have you paying some of the bills on their house, you won't ever own a piece of it.

How can she tell the builders to keep the house? Is she rich? Was there ever really a house? Usually having a house built entails money up front, a binding contract and a purchase price. Most people dont throw $ away. Sounds like a ruse to say I'm getting out, but then there are multiple excuses why she can't leave. Son didn't say a word about it, so she tested the waters and she knows she doesn't have to leave. Done deal.

The only thing you can do you tell the husband you want counciling or to move to a house with a mother in law suite? So you have more privacy? Doubt that would work, bc they had the house before you moved in. Why should they move? That would cost them money and a hassle to do it. It seems you moved into THEIR house. Not the son's house, but THEIR house. They own the home without your name on it probably, so why should they give that real estate up? Next home your name would probably go on the deed. Then you would have more of a say what goes on in your home. Your the outsider not them. They like it that way.

I think your best bet is to leave because she never will. It will never be your house. I bet you can't even decorate it how you want. Have company how you want. Have date nite or private time how you want. Can you plan dinner or a getaway how you want? I bet he would be afraid to leave her alone, or run to discuss it to get permission. Or invite her to go too on a weekend getaway. She needs to get away too O_o. Because he feels guilty. If she doesn't want you to go, she can manipulate the situation to her benefit by being sick or afraid to be alone. My bet is she would be the deciding factor in anything that happened in your relationship.

Basically you married 2 people. It will always be 2 against 1. Any money you bring in will go to support her for the next 30 yrs. Any decisions have to be run past her. You got yourself into a big pickle. You didn't even get a honeymoon out of the deal. She couldn't stay away. That shows me they dont care about your feelings. They both manipulated you to where they wanted you. Momma is running that show, and son is happy to go along with it.

I wouldnt have married him unless he got his own place first. But he didn't.
I don't think you will ever break them up. Hes happily enmeshed with his mom.
Your feelings are secondary. He has already shown you who he is. He chose her before you came along, and after when you said you werent happy. Your 2ndary. You are already uncomfortable in your house. They dont care.
I'd leave bc Id want my own house and to decorate it how I want, and to make decisions as a husband and wife. That is normal. Mom is the top of the pyramid.
That mom isn't going anywhere. You are only there to fulfill his sexual needs. He has her for everything else. Personally I'd get my own place. Your mil should only bust into your room 1x. Id make sure she never did it again. your entitled to your privacy. You shouldn't have to hide in your house either. I also wondered if the MIL became scarce just enuff to get son married, and they planned on being together the whole time.. Most people know that the DIL ends up taking care of MIL when she's ill, not the son. Especially on this forum. Good luck

Well, Maybell, your post has generated a good bit of discussion. What do you think of what's been posted so far?

He Won't. He is a Mommy's Boy. So Clear, Dear, And you never knew wha tyou were getting yourself into---With Them Tow. Two Peas in One Odd Pod. She is no tgoing naywhere too Soon, So you need to either tell hubby straight OUT what you are All ABOUT Or--------Tell him to SIGN UP for a Divorce Layer and Take him and Mommy Dearest to the Cleaners. She will be here Longer than Covid, Take it from me.

Maybell, I am an only child and a son. I brought my mother to live with us twice. Both dismal failures. I didn’t have to get the ultimatum, but it was close both times. Here are your husband’s priorities: 1. You 2. Your children 3. His mother in that order. He may be avoiding the fight he knows will come when he tells Mom she is leaving. Screaming, yelling, pointing the finger at you. He will have to stand his ground. I did it last at 70 years old, my mother 96 now and happy in assisted living. Tell the boy to get his priorities right or you are out of there. Then do it. All your questions will be answered. My mother can still recite the priority list with me. You took no vow regarding his mother.

Pack your bags and get the h*ll out.
I was in similar situation except the 'other woman' was his daughter-in-law who welcomed me with open arms and took all the good things I offered her & her family the first few years and then, the manipulation of my husband began. She stopped allowing me to see the grandkids (2 little girls I had known since their births), 'forgetting' to include both of us in school & sports activities, walking away from me in public and so forth. Neither my husband nor I had changed one thing about the way we treated them yet she decided that I was unworthy and, I believe, a real threat to her eventual inheritance and took it out on both of us. We attempted several times to discuss the matter as adults but she wouldn't show up so my husband took to going to their home without me (I found out later) to see his grandkids, for dinners, etc. to which I wasn't invited. We began living separate lives within the house I had turned into a home for our blended families and it was the saddest place to be. Long story short...2 years of this, solo counselling because he refused to attend, and I was done. I knew that, if asked to choose, my husband would choose the DIL because she controlled his ability to see his only grandchildren and my own children told me to 'get out of there' so...tho packing up was difficult because I had adored him & loved deeply for 8.5 years, driving away from that town was the easiest drive I've ever made. I'm back in the city near my own kids and grands and thoroughly enjoying my life.

One of the reasons people get divorces, mother-in-laws will do it every time. She probably wants you out. If your husband really loves you, momma would go, not you.

Life is too short to be unhappy. Don’t waste one more minute of your time. You need to choose yourself if he won’t choose you.

Why would you even dawdle?! He's made it plain which one he cares about more! Why do you think so little of yourself you would put up with this? Get out. Get out now and save yourself! Also, get counseling for yourself. Start today by targeting an apartment. Make a list of what you will pack and subtly start boxing things up. Next time he is gone all day, move everything to the new apartment. Start divorce proceedings. No booty calls - why should you reward his bad behavior? I wouldn't even TALK to him until he moved to a new place without mom.
I hope I wasn't too unclear.

As Tammy Wynette said, D I V O R C E.

Why couldn't she take her bed with her when she mived to a friends house? What do you mean she gave the house to the builders? - that doesn't make sense to me sorry.
Also, not sure what country your in and if that even makes a difference but real estate is hot at the moment and selling/buying fast.
It's a buyers market we are in. Which is not good for the sellers, but buyer's playground. If she is actually looking at buying during covid, now is the time to get a bargain!
This whole set up sounds completely off to me. Im gonna guess your husband is the only child or there are other children but he is the last and only one to stick around. Either she is a control freak who guilt trips her son or they have both lied. This is not a generational issue. I've had two parents/grandparents pull manipluation and make boundaries all become about their their "victimisation" and pity, and others the same age and older who believed in marital/unit family independence and respected boundaries. I don't know how you have put up with it for a year. Either she has lied and manipulated, or he has known the truth and they have both lied. I'd get in touch with a seperation lawyer just to protect your financial interests and then leave. It's your marital home, not her house. She should be acting with the manners of a guest and seeking her own independence and privacy. Your husband has shown his contradiction with his last comments how he makes her unwell and bad health, yet she is strong and capable. Sounds like she doesn't want to let go of the apron strings. I certainly would not have children while she is living with you because she will tear you to sheds mentally and emotionally just to take control of the baby.

This happened to me! MIL was from my husband's previous wife so I was the interloper. Had no idea what drama this could cause.
Bad went to worse. I became her personal cook/maid/attendant when I wasn't at my real fulltime career. Told hubs HE needed to grow a pair & tell his "mommy" it was time to be civil, do her own laundry- or go. Either that or divorce. One night she had a bit too much to drink & started in on me, then "released her bladder" on my new antique chair. Gross and sad! Told hubs that was it! and my teen daughter & I started packing. He had to finally have that loooong chat with MIL...

Long story short, relatives came the next day to move her out, all the while they were cursing at me. A month later those relatives called to apologize; MIL was drunk nightly & peeing on their furniture now! Your husband needs to take the lead and be the "bad cop" not you.
My heart and prayers go out to you.

I don’t really see that you have an option other than divorce. She’s treating you like this is her home and you are the interloper. It sounds like your husband is fine with this setup. You really cannot have a real marriage in this scenario.
I can’t help but think that this was the plan all along. Her having a house built then not liking it once it was done? Then giving it to the builders? That sounds sketchy to me. She might have always planned on living with her son, with you there just to take care of them both, and momma’s boy thought that was a great idea. I’m sorry I can’t tell you anything different, but it’s probably best to just get out and leave your husband and his mom to it.
I was married to a momma’s boy myself, and it is not a real marriage. You’re always the outsider, the real relationship is between mom and son. My divorce day was one of the happiest of my life.

I have a 17 year old son and it would be sooo sad, if he future wife said this of me, when we are sooo close. There are some sons that really do love their mother and do not want her to leave or choose between wife and husband. The best thing is to set boundaries with her, if she is disrespecting your space. Have a conversation with her of how you would like your house run. And keep reinforcing it!

My gut response is..
divorce the guy. He obviously prefers his mother to you.
See an attorney and make sure that you are given a fair settlement. I know it has been "only" a year but I am sure you invested more time and probably money in the relations ship before you got married.
Next I would say see a therapist, if your husband agrees to go all the better.
Then before you go through with the divorce (or as Tammy W called it a D.I.V.O.R.C.E. ) pack your bags and go on a 2 week "vacation", stay with a friend or family member. Let calls from him go to voicemail. While you are away make a list of pros /cons of leaving or staying. (I think your list of staying is going to be short) When you get back sit down and discuss this, show him your list and tell him you are considering filing for a divorce.
He is not going to change if his mom continues to rule the roost. And I have the feeling if you are actually gone for a while she will make your home into HER home.
I am not one to advocate for a divorce but I also would not put up with this so I would be out the door.

You should talk with your husband's mother yourself and let her know how you feel. She should understand that a newly wed wife wants to be the Queen of her Home and tell her you will be happy to help her find an Senior Apartment close to her friend or suggest her and her friend get a place together.

Let your husband know that you plan to get your own apartment or move back to your parents, whichever you have to do until his mom has her own place, then MOVE OUT.

I imagine, only after you're gone will it hit him that you mean business.

Speak to his mom and let her know of your plans to move and tell her if she loves her sin and wants to make him happy then she will move out so ya'll can start a home together and tell her you or both will come over for Sunday Dinners.

This has been going on way too long.

Your MIL will not be budging unless you make her because your husband is not going to do anything!

MOVE OUT
Your husband will come around.

Dont move out angry.

Let them both know you love them but fir the marriage to work, ya'll need to live alone.

The

I am so sorry you are in this situation. You do have a right to happiness, of course. I don't know your financial situation, but before you do anything rash, get your financial ducks in a row. Is there another job you can take on in the meantime, so you are not in the house all day? Make a plan because the decision to stay or go is not about him choosing his mother over you. To stay or go doesn't even need to be such an ultimatum. Perhaps once your ducks are in a row, your spouse would agree to a vacation or a short get away together? Maybe some time alone together will give you both some perspective on your life goals? Next step, may be some time apart will bring another kind of perspective for you both without being all-in or all-out?

Please put your foot down NOW with both your husband and your MIL. You are being taken advantage of by both of them. Your MIL has a good thing going and realizes it: no rent, no utilities, runs the house, sees her son daily, etc. Why would she leave?

I really do think that you need to move into your own apartment right now - and refuse to come back until your MIL moves out. If your husband balks, too bad. He is going to need to make a choice.

This is digusting, sad, and funny. This post may be deleted however: A woman once told me when I got divorced, "Men only get married because they can't have sex with their mother" If you have been in this kind of relationship with your husband and MIL (which I have) you will completely understand. It is a tricky situation and I usually cannot see the forest thru the trees. I had eternal hope that things would change and they did not. SUDDENLY....... God will answer my prayers. No one can tell you what to do, but a wise woman once told me, "If things NEVER change, are you going to be ok with it?" Leaving my husband was the hardest thing I ever did. Divorce is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Death is easier, and I am being blunt. You don't have to "share" friends, People come to your aid and gather around. Divorce was none of that. In fact, people stayed away from me so as to not choose sides ~ which by doing that they did. AND when someone dies, it's over. Divorce, in my case, I saw him EVERY day!
Good luck and God Bless

I’d simply tell him, mom has to leave by whatever date 7 days from now or whatever, or I’m leaving. Then do it. You don’t need this and he and his mother aren’t taking you seriously.

talk to a lawyer too.

I have not read any other answers but I will just state what I would do. I first have a one on one meeting with my husband. I would tell him all my feelings. See what his solution to it is, to be completed in how many weeks.

I don’t think you realized you married your mother in law. If your husband can not break from his mother now for you, I have my doubts he ever will. This is not a marriage of you and your husband, it is of the 3 of you. Sounds like she is pulling all the strings and probably always has. Let’s face it, she doesn’t want to let go of her son.

I suggest you schedule a marriage counselor appointment for all of you to go to. Be firm on where you stand.