I have been struggling watching my mom (90) age. She has a myriad of issues (HBP, Parkinsons, Gout). How do I rid myself of this anxiety?

I think the anxiety comes from denying the new state of our mother's health. We think if we did something different or took some action sooner we could have a different outcome. My mother did exceptionally well until she was 87. Then she took a fall and broke her right knee badly. She needed surgery to repair it, but it's a risky surgery with a 40% failure rate on young healthy people, and mom's age worked against her. With possible bad outcomes including amputation, we decided against surgery and mom was left with a knee that doesn't bend completely and not at all for walking. Mom went from walking a mile a day and moving around the house as she liked to being bound to a walker. I started feeling guilty about the fall (I should have seen it coming and pushing mom to use her cane more) and worrying about the next fall, even though I knew her spinal stenosis would eventually mean she would be wheelchair-bound. Mom and I had a rough year; her adjusting to the loss of independence and I adjusting to the fact Mom is really declining.

I came to mostly acceptance and lost the constant anxiety when I was able to accept Mom had entered a new stage of life that I could not change. There would be changes, often as quick as her fall, I could not anticipate nor change what would happen. I focused on providing as much good care and opportunities for enjoyable interludes as I could. Physically Mom loves a whirlpool bath and getting lotion applied so I made that part of her daily routine. Mom also has some dementia so I looked back over my childhood and her life for the things she enjoyed that she might still be able to do. Mom always loved music and sang most of the time when she was working during my childhood so I started singing with her. She remembers every song and hymn we ever sang and she loves our time spent singing. So while conversations about current events or books we have read don't work very well now, we can enjoy the time spent singing. I don't know when that next "changing" event is going to happen so I focus on today. I know that changing event is going to happen because Mom's declining health and eventual death is a certainty I cannot change - worrying about it before it happens will not change it.

Life stinks and can be terribly cruel and in too many case there is nothing on this earth we can do to change or fix situations. You are NOT responsible and you are not GOD. It is heart breaking and it is killing you and you are helpless. There is absolutely nothing you can do except work with the medical people, be sure all personal affairs are in order and love her and be there. But YOU must think of YOU first. This is your time. She has lived her life. Good luck. Time heals many things - at least to some degree if not completely. Be patient. One day this horror will pass and be behind you.

Someone just said to me, the other day, "You know, 90% of what we worry about never comes to pass". I really took that in, and although the numbers may be a bit 'off' the truth is, we worry about something happening and it never does and so we find something ELSE to worry about.

I like the concept of giving a few minutes day to the 'worry du jour' and then putting it away mentally.

We have so very little control over ANYTHING except for our own attitudes!

Your mother is living in Assisted Living, so there is a team of caregivers on the scene to keep an eye on her FOR you. That, in and of itself, should help relieve you of the worrying factor b/c if something goes wrong, you'll get a phone call, right? No news is good news, that's how I look at it. My mother is 94 and living in Memory Care AL. I get a call at least 2-3x a week that she's fallen. She's done so 73x since she's lived in AL and MC combined (since 2015) and there was nothing I or anyone could have done to prevent it, either. She's been hospitalized with pneumonia twice, and other issues twice, to the ER countless times, too, but thanks to an alert staff, they warded off WORSE problems by catching things quickly. That's all we can hope for. We can't prevent our mother's from dying, so all we can hope for is the least amount of suffering along the way. They're both set up in the safest possible place to ensure that, too.

I like Maple's suggestion about warding off worrying by reminding yourself it doesn't change the outcome of anything; it just makes US sick. I often think my mother will outlive ME b/c of how anxiety ridden she makes me. I'll be 64 next month. So I work on ridding myself of the anxiety producing comments and drama she creates every day. I fact check her statements with the staff at the MC, and realize that 90% of what she says is either a lie or a huge exaggeration. I highly suggest doing that, btw, if your mother is prone to telling you lots of ugly details about how much pain she's in or that she's 'dying' or the like. I often feel much better after making a fact checking phone call and hear that she's sitting in the activity room doing FINE.

Anyway, there's nothing WE can do about THEIR old age and infirmity anyway, so why make ourselves sick over it? Get out and about, keep your mind on productive activities, and tell yourself you'll cross the crisis bridge if and when you have to. In the meantime, you'll enjoy every moment of the life God gave you, your children, your husband, your job and your friends. In reality, we wind up worrying about things that never even happen!

Best of luck!

I am so sorry you are feeling anxious. It is a hard one to live with, but there is a reality that helped me and maybe it will help you.
My first husband was in law enforcement. I used to worry every single day when he went to work. That he'd be injured or killed. Gave myself bleeding ulcers.
Then one night about 11:30 we got a call that one of the agents had been shot and for him to grab his long guns and get to the scene as they were actively searching for the shooters. I stayed up all night waiting to hear who got shot, if the other agents were okay, if my husband was going to be okay, etc. Worried myself into the hospital for 3 days because I kept throwing up blood (sorry this is so graphic). A lovely internist who treated me asked me, how did all your worrying change the outcome of the situation? I said it didn't, it couldn't. He said, then why do you worry? You are wasting energy and making yourself sick, AND YOU DIDN'T CHANGE A SINGLE THING!!!!
From that day on I stop myself from worrying.

I think we are programmed to worry as a sign of caring. But you can care for someone without worrying. So the next time you start to feel anxious, stop, breathe, and ask yourself if becoming anxious or worried can change the situation. Then let it go. It's only hard the first time. After that, it's a piece of cake. Big hugs and comforting energy to you.

Please start with an appointment to your primary care provider. Make sure that there is not a medical reason (hyperthyroidism comes to mind) for your anxiety.

If you are OK physically, then your next appointment should be to a psychiatrist. He/She can get you a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication to help with your symptoms while you work with a therapist to find new coping strategies. If you commit to working with your therapist, you should find your anxiety soon decreasing enough that you do not need to rely on medications or a very small dose.

The best advise I have is to BREATHE (a lot) and not borrow trouble.

I was more anxious before mom and dad moved to AL - they were in IL and dad was falling - a lot - at the time we didn't know dad was having strokes in the balance center of his brain - no outward signs of the stroke). Dad was unhappy still being alive and I was afraid he was falling (not necessarily on purpose - but ... I sometimes wondered). When a retired nurse told dad he didn't have alzheimers sent us to have dad evaluated by neurologist to confirm the alzheimers and as a result of MRI found the evidence of his strokes.

The anxiety went down after they moved to AL - however dad continued to fall - but I knew he was safer than he had been.

Anxiety soared through the roof in Jan 2019 when found dad didn't have the "creeping crud" but was suffering CHF, AFIB, leaky valve and another circulatory issue. At 91 he decided not to pursue active treatment and went on hospice. Once things got sorted out and dad was on hospice - anxiety went down again. Yes he continued to fall - at least weekly - and I'd cringe whenever the phone rang early in the morning or late at night. While I knew he would continue to fall - I didn't stress out over it. I didn't stress over his end of life decision or when one afternoon, he went to sleep and never woke again.

While I always wondered what would happen next - I never worried much about it - and I'm a worrier and prone to stressing out by nature. However with my parents I actually wait for the shoe to drop before freaking out - which lasts until I can get my head around what's happening - luckily with dad (I believe his bones were essentially made of rubber - 2 of his early falls in IL resulted in a couple of cracked ribs and a compression fracture of his spine) the rest of the his fall essentially left him bumped and bruised - later falls were slides to ground as he was too weak to stand.

Spend the summer off - visiting your parents, but especially taking care of yourself. Have a spa day - or 2 or 3. Have long leisurely lunches, lose yourself in several good books.

Be good to yourself and good luck.

It is hard to try to not anticipate what *might* happen. As AlvaDeer says, we can worry about this or that and then have something completely different happen. We really can only tackle what is currently an issue. What tomorrow brings, it brings and then you deal with it. Given the current medical issues, worry about falls or strokes would probably be what I'd expect, but other than mitigating falls, we can't prevent strokes (other than keeping her on her meds.)

My mother was around 90 when dementia came calling. Initially it wasn't too bad, but I wanted "eyes" on her as I live 1.5 hours from where she lived. Hired aides 1hr/day weekdays only, with intent to increase time and duty as needed (it was only to check on her and make sure she took her meds from the dispenser we set up.) She thwarted that by refusing to let them in less than 2 months later. She was still mobile, could dress and eat (couldn't cook anymore, so boxed crap and frozen dinners) and was messing up finances so I took that over. We had to take her car as well - between hearing loss, Mac Deg and dementia, she was an accident waiting to happen (dents, dings, and a ruined tire and rim said NO MORE!) Just before we moved her to MC, she "bruised" her leg and developed cellulitis. She didn't even have enough sense to know how serious it was OR tell one of us. Thankfully she told her neighbor, who reported mom said she bruised her leg.

Although she had one big "step back" in time to about 40 years ago, she was holding her own there. Eventually she was using a rollator, then refused to stand/walk on her own, so wheelchair the last 6-8 months. Around Labor Day last year, she had a stroke. It impacted her right/dominant side. She was still pretty feisty (got mad they called EMTs and tried to kick the nurse!) It also impacted her swallowing and some speech, so she was losing weight and hospice finally came on board. Mid December the second stroke did the worst. She lasted another day after that.

I didn't worry too much, as she'd had a good long run. Of course any time a call from the facility came, it would pick up my BP a bit, but usually it was nothing. I suspect the high BP contributed to dementia for her and certainly the stroke (esp when she started refusing the meds, unable to swallow them. I did talk with the pharmacist and was told they could empty the contents into applesauce or ice cream - they are time-release, so any chewed would lost effectiveness, but most would likely go down and any we could get in was better than none!)

When those thoughts hit, take a deep breath and try to banish them. Often I would get a song stuck in my head and had to work to get it out. Same idea, think of something else, sing a song you like or listen to music you enjoy, just to get your mind onto something else. Tackle some task that's been deferred that requires some thought. Anything, just to get your mind off the "what ifs." You have two grown children - if you're like me and many others, we go through all that when raising them. You can try to protect others from certain things, but in many cases we just have to tackle what really happens, not the feared things, when they occur.

It is good that you've come to terms with end of life. That's a start. Now just work on getting those thoughts out of your head!

I’m an only child, too. You received some excellent advice from the posts below. I have been told by three professionals (primary doctor, psychiatrist and counselor) the exact same thing...for dealing with my anxiety and my mom... develop distance... and you might have to become creative about it so that your mom doesn’t notice. Here are some tips that have helped me:
1.Send lots of mail. Little cards and notes. Small packages, etc... even though you are a few minutes away.
2.Call right before her meals/activities... she will be occupied after the call is over.
3.Make in and out visits. Again, before an activity. Don’t go alone, bring another person to buffer.
4.Talk about the busyness of your children and their activities.
I struggle with anxiety. It’s a lot to handle. Being the only child of a declining parent is extremely hard. I never want my sons to experience the upset and stress I have been through. Warmly-Sunny

Basically stop yourself from "going there". It causes one to worry and fret. Allow yourself 15 minutes to 1/2 our every day to "go there" and imagine every awful thing. Then claim your day back until something happens. You cannot predict what will happen and overworrying will have your anxiety kicked into high gear when you don't need "fight or flight".
I am a worrier and can get myself anxious over what is in the mail that day, so being POA and Trustee of Trust for my bro could kick me into high gear in seconds. It isn't worth it. Most of the things you worry about won't happen, but OTHER THINGS will. So you need not to expend that energy and part of that is training yourself with "I will not think about this again today; I thought about it this morning. I can think about it again tomorrow morning" and then divert yourself. We can train our minds. Try meditation, and try deep breathing exercises. Good luck. I understand to the depth of the core of me!

There's really nothing that helps me with the anxiety as there will be a "next thing". I feel for you. It's that awful pit-of-the-stomach feeling as you wait for the shoe to drop. Either illness or death, either one is a bad, but eventual outcome. I,too, am an only child, so I understand how difficult it is to see your parents age. Unlike you I don't have a spouse or kids to at least divert my attention from caregiving. I live with my parent and work full time and haven't had time off other than caregiving in years. It's just something we all have to face, isn't it. Aging (if we are lucky) and then dying.

MOST of us will have to deal with the decline of our parents. It's part of life.

My mom has taught me, through what she's experienced, what I DO NOT want to have happen to me or DH.

Poor planning, poor choices, letting one sib rob them of their savings and having the belief that SS would support them 'just fine'--when in fact, it barely covers the basics....losing their home due to said sibling...moving in with ANOTHER sibling--going on 24 years now...

Watching my sweet dad suffer the absolute indignity that is Parkinson's--and watching mother just slowly slumping into nothingness. Very little QOL and no interest in much of anything.

It doesn't cause me anxiety--b/c I know that there is little to nothing I can do for her to really help her. Aging is a personal thing. I can drive her to Bingo once a week. I can try to clean her apartment, I can spend about 1/2 an hour with her before she drives me nuts...and I can see how easily that can happen. Hope to not do it to my kids.

My YB has primary care of mother. I step in and out depending on how the winds are blowing (kinda like Mary Poppins)..she NEEDS me right now, so she's being super sweet and I find that kind of ironic.

My parents never came 'ahead' of my own kids. So, there's no 'guilt' there.

It just is what it is. Mom will likely live a few more years (she's 91) and she likely will wind up in a NH the next time she falls. We all just try to go with the flow.

Perhaps you are a far kinder person than I am. I have enough personal issues to deal with, I cannot climb up on mother's cross too. I care, but I can't care too much. It's unhealthy and I won't sacrifice my life for hers.

Maybe you need some talk therapy to get feeling cenetered about this, if it's keeping you upset or depressed. I did work out some issues about mom through therapy and it really helped me.