I heard my mother gossip about me to my brother and it really hurts. Advice?

This post starts off sounding as though out of the blue mom said something to your brother that hurt your feelings. Later in post you indicate you've told her many times that you/she have had conversations about your feelings of not being appreciated. Clearly she knows you don't like the smell of that particular food, a point you have probably made to her, so she's not really talking behind your back. She plans to cook it whether you like it or not - and - I guess it is her home. Is there a way to cook it and exhaust the smell from the house - a fan turned the wrong way in a window will blow air out the window instead of creating a breeze in the house.

Although mom had health issues, does she still require 24-7 care from you. If not, move out.

From another perspective, perhaps she sweet talks the other siblings to try and get them to pay more attention to her. It is often those who aren't actively involved that the parent will focus on as a means to have a reason for them to stop by. As in, pick up food that she cooks for them.

It seems to me that you expect mom to praise you for being there and in all actuality she may just be trying to get more of her children to be there as well.

I cared for my mom for 15 years before a medical crisis brought out the bat guano crazy in my sisters. Suddenly, I was incapable of caring for her properly. I had arranged for her care, accompanied her to all her doctor visits, made sure she had the info to make her own medical decisions, did her laundry, ran her errands, took her shopping - everything. The staff thought Mom had only one child. The main sister, whom I'll nickname BCS, led an attack on me with my mother at the nursing home. Our relationships began to tatter. It was so bad that the staff were pulling me aside in the hallway and asking if I was okay. Not my mother - me.

I never fooled myself into thinking I was ever Mom's favorite, though I was the most reliable. Mom, BCS, and the other sisters (aka, "The Harpies") were holding bull sessions in her room, talking about me. The staff told me several times, "We hear what's going on in there, and it ain't right. It just ain't right." It became horribly difficult to care for Mom, as the Harpies created such a hostile environment in her room that the staff didn't want to tend to Mom. They did their job, but the sitting on the bed and just conversing with Mom stopped. The Harpies began ordering medical care and butting into her care without going through me, her POA. They bullied me and the staff, and there was little I could do because Mom liked the attention she was getting.

I asked the administration for advice, as I was sure they'd seen similar dysfunctional families before. The dean of nurses and the head administrator looked at each other, and then shared their experiences of elderly family members who - knowingly or unknowingly - played family members off each other in order to remain the focus of attention. That explained why I'd hear one story from Mom and another story from BCS. Mom was setting us against each other because she wanted our focus. And since BCS had been a bully over me since childhood, and her loyal sidekick as well, BCS had no problem engaging into Mom's manipulation. BCS probably had guilt issues for ignoring Mom for so long, and instead of handling it in a healthy way, lashed out at me. The eventual result was my cutting off communication from four of my seven sisters, except for text messages in case of emergency. I don't talk to them and their emails are on automatic delete. It's healthier for me that way. (They eventually gained control over Mom and dictated every single one of her medical decisions until she died. Those control issues!)

So, long story short, your mother may be doing something similar. I can't tell you want to do, but a serious discussion with your brother may be needed. If he can't care for her, then between the two of you, you may be able to find a companion or caregiver for her.

I still bear the scars of that event. If I had it to do all over again, I would have cut Mom loose a lot sooner. In my case, the Harpies wanted control over her. I don't know about your brother.

Good luck and God bless.

I cared for my mom for 15 years before a medical crisis brought out the bat guano crazy in my sisters. Suddenly, I was incapable of caring for her properly. I had arranged for her care, accompanied her to all her doctor visits, made sure she had the info to make her own medical decisions, did her laundry, ran her errands, took her shopping - everything. The staff thought Mom had only one child. The main sister, whom I'll nickname BCS, led an attack on me with my mother at the nursing home. Our relationships began to tatter. It was so bad that the staff were pulling me aside in the hallway and asking if I was okay. Not my mother - me.

I never fooled myself into thinking I was ever Mom's favorite, though I was the most reliable. Mom, BCS, and the other sisters (aka, "The Harpies") were holding bull sessions in her room, talking about me. The staff told me several times, "We hear what's going on in there, and it ain't right. It just ain't right." It became horribly difficult to care for Mom, as the Harpies created such a hostile environment in her room that the staff didn't want to tend to Mom. They did their job, but the sitting on the bed and just conversing with Mom stopped. The Harpies began ordering medical care and butting into her care without going through me, her POA. They bullied me and the staff, and there was little I could do because Mom liked the attention she was getting.

I asked the administration for advice, as I was sure they'd seen similar dysfunctional families before. The dean of nurses and the head administrator looked at each other, and then shared their experiences of elderly family members who - knowingly or unknowingly - played family members off each other in order to remain the focus of attention. That explained why I'd hear one story from Mom and another story from BCS. Mom was setting us against each other because she wanted our focus. And since BCS had been a bully over me since childhood, and her loyal sidekick as well, BCS had no problem engaging into Mom's manipulation. BCS probably had guilt issues for ignoring Mom for so long, and instead of handling it in a healthy way, lashed out at me. The eventual result was my cutting off communication from four of my seven sisters, except for text messages in case of emergency. I don't talk to them and their emails are on automatic delete. It's healthier for me that way. (They eventually gained control over Mom and dictated every single one of her medical decisions until she died. Those control issues!)

So, long story short, your mother may be doing something similar. I can't tell you want to do, but a serious discussion with your brother may be needed. If he can't care for her, then between the two of you, you may be able to find a companion or caregiver for her.

I still bear the scars of that event. If I had it to do all over again, I would have cut Mom loose a lot sooner. In my case, the Harpies wanted control over her. I don't know about your brother.

Good luck and God bless.

I had this happen, too. Overheard my mom speaking to her sister. She made it sound as if I was living at their home because I had nowhere else to go! (I gave up an overseas assignment that I loved to come home and care for my parents). I was hurt!

Fast forward to today...I am moving out. I tried...my sister thought they needed 24/7 care. They do not. When they do they will need to go to a facility.

I will live 10 min away. I will still cook dinner and transport to doctor visits, do grocery shopping...but then I will leave!!

Good luck!!

What would happen if you just walked away? Could you do it? Sounds like your mother is doing well enough at the moment for you to leave. Tell sibs that Mom is doing fine and that you need a mental health break. Tell everyone you will stay in touch. Make a list of all the essentials like doctor numbers, lists of meds, bank accounts, etc. Then follow through. My MIL is similar. Hurts my wife regularly but because her mom is in AL she can walk away when necessary. You can't. During your sabbatical check on AL facilities. At a point your mother can no longer take care of herself place her in AL. Life is not fair. Don't wait for your sibs or mother to change. You only have one life. You may still want to, or need to, be an advocate for your mother. But if she has not given you POA then that responsibility should fall on the person who has it. This is my humble opinion but it is your life. I realize it is easier to say than do. Good luck.

I know how it goes. I am the only child of five who has my parents living with me and my husband....my mom complains non stop . It is pretty disheartening when all you are doing is trying to help them and all they do is complain and find everything bad with you. probably the only reward is in heaven if you believe in that because it sure isn't here.

Get out NOW! Why are you there? Because you hope to get a few crumbs of affection from this deteriorating corpse? There is nothing but pain and sorrow ahead if you stay. We see this a lot in this group, one child sacrifices herself, allows others to treat her poorly, does all the work caring for horrible parent. It never changes. You are dealing with narcissistic people. Think about what you want. Dream BIG! Get a therapist to help you change your opinion of yourself, understand why you allow yourself to remain with toxic family. It is similar to being an abused wife who can't leave abusive spouse. Start packing. Best of luck.

I am sure you are doing a wonderful job taking care of your mother. Although she's not expressing it, I'm sure she loves you and is grateful. Her behavior is very common and typical for the elderly, as she is losing her independence. Just like a teenager, we "don't like" the people we depend on because we want our independence. As her life gets harder for her, she will have more to complain about. Bad moods, criticisms, exaggerations, demands, jealousy, being self-righteous, child-like behaviors . . . these can all be expected. It's a shame for everyone. You have to consider if you have the personality to cope with her or not.

You won’t find joy or be at peace until you are on your own living your own life.

You have been blinded by the pain but you aren’t crippled.

You many have stumbled a bit but you still have enough strength to rise up and walk away.

Don’t invest anymore into a broken relationship. It’s useless.

It’s emotionally and physically draining to continue to bang your head against their brick wall.

Begin to value yourself. You are free to make decisions that are best for you.

Grieve for the relationship that you longed for but never had.

Dare to dream. Don’t expect perfection. Life will never be perfect.

It’s impossible for everyone to like you. Stop caring what people think, whether it’s family or others.

Care most about what is right for you.

You cannot be your best if you are running on fumes. It’s time to refuel and carry on.

Brings to mind the McCartney tune, "Live and Let Die"

Go.. hire a caregiver to come in once a day or whatever her doctors think is okay and go..

So sorry to hear this is happening to you. It’s a hideous and ungracious behavior to experience and witness. My mother did this for at least 50 of my 61 years until I finally had enough. Find ways to protect yourself and filter her behavior so it does not consume you.
love, J

I think there may be two explanations for poor behaviour. Firstly, as Little Orchid says, it can be a response to feeling helpless and unhappy in later life, especially if this behaviour is out of character. Secondly, it can be a strengthening and exaggeration of behaviour traits that have been in place throughout life, as Waterspirit explains. I have read something similar about this before, from a respected medical source. If you're already dealing with a narcissistic person, the thought that they could get even worse is truly terrifying, and at this point it's then probably best to hand over to the health professionals to deal with things. They are not emotionally attached and are trained to deal with challenging behaviours, so may not find this so hurtful and personally damaging.

I am sorry to hear you are having this problem. I think it may be more common in older people than we expect. My sisters and I compared notes and discovered that Mom was telling each of us "stories" about the others. Often these were exaggerations or misconceptions about actual events, other times total fantasy.

We decided together that we would refuse to listen to these tales and that we would talk to each other about them to find the truth and take the sting out. This has worked fairly well. Knowing the truth, I can counter Mom's assertions with what I know to be true. We all do this as gently as we can, but we do firmly let Mom know that we will not listen to bad things about each other. The ultimate discussion-ender goes something like this "If you don't like what we are doing, tell us to stop coming over/calling/whatever and we will stop." We still get the complaining, but not so much, and it stops quickly.

We have guessed that this may be a side affect of her feeling helpless and incapable. Somehow it makes her feel better by focusing on someone else's problems, even if they are fake. I don't know if this is sound, but it seems really strange that Mom would start this kind of gossiping in her 80's and 90's when she never did it in her prime. I know it hurts, but try not to take it too much to heart. She may not really feel that way about you. Old minds can do funny things.

I really don't know what to tell you other than hang in there. Keep telling her how you feel about what she is doing . Keep trying to show her that you love her and eventually she will see it. Meanwhile, ask her what it is that you're doing that bothers her and then try to work on it.

“I have told her time and time again if you’re not happy with me being here just say the word. “

I wouldn’t wait for her word. I’d make safe arrangements for her care elsewhere and give her the gift of your absence. The toxic atmosphere would be too much for anyone to handle.

I have to comment on Marcia's reply

"NeedHelp- I think "she doesn't love me" is going a little too far. I am sure she loves you and I am also sure she realizes and appreciates your care."

Thank God I didn't have Narcissistic parents but I think an Uncle had the problem. I have read a lot on this forum about Narcissism and read up on it. What I have found is they don't know how to love. Its a neurological disorder that can't be cured. For one thing, they are self-centered and never wrong and don't think they have the problem, you do. They feel no empathy and are manipulators. They may have a favorite but they too are usually Narcissists and if not, they don't do anything for the parent anyway. The best thing is to walk away. And I have said it before, the child that stays is a certain personality. Actually the normal one with compassion. But, they are looking for the parent to finally except them and love them and feel by caring for them this will happen. It doesn't because the parent sees this as a weakness and preys on it. For this child they need to walk away.

I know if I had been raised by a Narcissistic parent that I would be that child caring for them and looking for love where there wasn't any. I loved my Dad. He worked hard and provided for his kids. But he had a problem with crossing a line from teasing to being nasty. And he knew how to push my buttons. He could be self-centered too at times. Mom waited on him hand and foot. I told my brothers that if Mom passed before him that I would not physically care for him or bring him into my home. I would do for him in his house but he would never live with me. He was their responsibility. My husband would not have allowed it anyway.

If your mother does not need your constant care, it's time to move out.

If you are living in your mother's house b/c you cannot afford to live alone, you need to find another job so you can afford to live independently. You might be putting up with her disrespect b/c you have gotten used to living in the home, presumably rent-free.

If she needs more care in the future, arrange for in-home care.
Your mother or you and your siblings will need to pay for home health care or learn if your mother qualifies for some Medicaid assistance or placement.

Dear Needhelp2021,
Although my parents (they were in their 90’s) are no longer here, I could greatly relate with you because I struggled with the exact same scenario between my mom, me and my sister. As a Christian, I receive the Bible as complete truth and use God’s Word to lead me in my emotions. My mom and my sister had a sort of discussion constantly between themselves about me. I overheard it a few times and it hurt me very badly, as I did not originally realize it was going on. For my immediate family, it was only my parents and me and my sister. I confronted my mom about it, & she was very manipulative but calm. My sister was not capable of taking care of them..she would take advantage of them in various ways and she was verbally abusive and they were too vulnerable and needed much care. The Bible says in Ephesians 6:1-2 (see the request with the promise) “Honor your father and mother, so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” Honoring your mom does not mean you need to be her doormat and let her mistreat you. Put your boundaries down by letting her know that you don’t appreciate her talking about you in the way she does. Remind her that the reason you help her is because you love her. Chances are, she may not change her ways. But remember, she is accountable for her actions, & you are for yours. I did not live at my mom’s house.. I lived 3 miles away. But I had to do everything for my dad and her.. which included staying with her 24/7 during hospital stays, Dr. appointments, shopping for groceries, hair appointments...it was way more than a full time commitment.. & it took a toll on my marriage as well. My husband was understanding but it was hard on him. If possible, I would suggest that you pray about your situation. Ask the Lord to lead you with His wisdom. He promises if you ask Him for wisdom.. he will pour it onto you without reproach. (James 1:5
“But If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”) My parents could not have done without my help. It was a long journey.. almost 10 years of being sole caregiver. In hindsight, I’m glad that I was able to help them and today I have great joy and immeasurable peace that I did help them. Long run, now that they’re gone, it doesn’t matter what she and my sister said about me. Another Scripture that comes to mind is also in Ephesians 6:12, which says “For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” So this is a spiritual battle to tear up the family... thru misunderstanding, jealousy, hurt..etc., the Lord will deal with this but you must do your part. I hope this helps you to know and understand and cope with your situation, of which I greatly relate. I am praying for you!! Many blessings for you to persevere!! Keep me posted on your situation! 💗

Ight homie, I'm a 15 year old who would not take that crap. I'd be like "I'm finding you a new caregiver. Either treat me with respect or never speak to me again." Cut her out of your life dude. You don't deserve to be treated that way after everything you've done for her. If she doesn't appreciate you, leave her. Ù^Ú

I have a long story, but I will just post what I did, when faced with a situation similar to yours. I was the secondary POA for Healthcare. I went to an attorney, she suggested I revoke my secondary role for POA, leaving my sibling as sole POA for Healthcare. My narcissistic sibling and narcissistic father had plotted against me (again, a long story), but taking this step in March of 2020 solved the problem. I then started therapy online, in April, to manage my reactions to the reactions of my father and sibling, who were rageful and spiteful. My father passed away in July, but I am still dealing with sibling. It is extremely tough, but better than enduring the abuse they were sending my way.

Wow. That's terrible! Your feelings of hurt and betrayal are legitimate.

It doesn't sound like your mother needs a high level of care or something only you can give.

Realize that as she gets older, she will eventually need that and things will only get worse.

If you quit this "job," it will give her and others an opportunity to find alternatives in a non-crisis situation. That's a good thing for everyone involved.

You (without realizing it) play a scapegoat role in your family. It's a common dynamic for a family to have one, and they rely on it. So you can expect them to get upset if you make changes that disrupt that dynamic. But that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong! It just shows how invested they are in keeping you in that position.

You deserve so much better. I do hope you can make changes that give you a life with people who respect and value you.

I am sorry. It is so painful but try not to take to heart. Easy words I know but sadly this talk of the primary caregiver is common. We have had this with my mom with my sister who is primary caregiver taking the brunt of moms scorn. We know this and rally around to love and support her also making clear to mom we don’t like unkind words. But she has left for days at a time and it really gives mom clarity through her fog. Mom needs 24 care. It sounds like your mom does not and is doing well. If you can move out, probably best to create some distance to allow appreciation to come back. And give you a break. Take care

I am compelled to share with you and believe me...
I feel for you like you would not believe. So sorry you are being scapegoated by your Mother. Mine passed this year and she was a classic "narcissist" and that does not mean she had a genetic variant that made her that way, she must have gone through all kinds of stuff and never told us. Is your mom very insecure and wants to be showered with outward words and gifts of appreciation, sent little cards and she wants to never be told what not to do. Mine cooked pork with the skin and all kinds of parts in a huge pot to make a jelly and the house stunk for days and I too lived upstairs. My mother would set me up and tell me to get ready for a funeral and then when I'd come down all dressed and ready she'd still be in her jammies and I would not know what was going on. I would yell at her for doing this to me. I would storm back up stairs and then she'd call my sister and tell her I was angry at her and that she should come and take me to the funeral (as I am without a car) we live in a huge city and this funeral was in the neighboring city. You mother is "triangulating"you and your brother, or maybe it is he who speaks poorly of you and you cannot confront them as they will tell you you are crazy...this is what this type does. They lack so much self esteem but put on airs that they are confidant. They will want to use you like a toy and enjoy driving you to tears or anger as that will give them an excuse to spread rumours about you based on your reactions. It hurts because you are almost forced to remain single (guests in my own apartment she would smear, go upstairs steal something of mine and tell me they stole it, causing me to doubt my friendships) ...at times I think that it was my own short term memory, as I am scattered but the scatteredness may have come from her doing things like this to me since childhood. My mother died in May of this year. I watched an old black and white movie with her in February that gave me a new perspective. In her day, there were styles of behaving that we don't have anymore. She was acting like the Mother in this movie, very commanding, very bossy, very "do as i say or else" if you stray in any way, or forget a thing, like a chore or an item at the store she will berate you, turn you inside out, to "teach you" because she "loves" you. You cannot explain to them any other way but you can learn to set your boundaries. My sister wanted me out of the house so she made sure she sided with my mother. My sister it was discovered wanted to be made the Executor of the Will, and she wanted to take me to task "smack talking" me to my old friend whom I had outgrown and stopped connecting with. Invented lies about me financially abusing my parents (I paid rent, did yard work, cleaned up their floor and shoveled snow). She said even worse about me and I will not get into it here. She now has a pretty $10k extra in her pocket, smeared me to the police with futher false allegations of "harrassment" for sending her emails which had neither any threats nor any foul language in them, asking her to clarify her behaviours and if she was in cahoots with my mother. No charges came through of course, she was just trying to humiliate me. She continues to try and humiliate me putting up cartoonized images of her and my youngest sister up on Facebook and marking it "big sis and little sis" when I am the oldest. I walked away. I was angry at the collusion, at the destruction of my being for their gain. They were getting back at me for perceived injuries when I was only 10 years old toward them. I suggest you not get paranoid like I did about them. Just go to a lawyer in preparation of what could be an attempt to smear you for financial gain. Get on board and make yourself the Executor, and go to a Bank to become a coexecutor so your brother can't contest it. I hope this helps.

When I went to my parent’s home and walked in the living room and was greeted with, “There’s laundry downstairs that needs to be finished”, not hello or any other form of greeting, and other family members were sitting on the sofa, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was the servant and everyone else was a guest. I walked out and let them know by telephone that they could ask other members of the family to help with household chores. I have been taking a break ever since. It sounds to me as if you need to do the same.

I am sure that it hurts your feelings but it seems to me that this behavior is typical. I don't know why seniors often see their caretakers as their enemy. Perhaps they are projecting their pain and fear onto the caretaker. Roles often change and the caretaker takes the parental role and the senior is the child- sometimes the unruly child. And too, the senior often feels like their freedom is taken away and they have no purpose in life. And they are sick and/or in pain. And they are fearful. They feel they are a burden. They want to be independent but they can't manage it. It sounds like you are also upset about getting no help from your siblings. And that is sad and frustrating for you and your Mom. But, if you are going to keep your Mom in your home, you will have to make some changes in your attitude and assertiveness or you will continue to be profoundly unhappy. You can't change your siblings or your Mom but you can change yourself. Focus on yourself NOT your siblings. I wonder if you can join a physical support group when the wuhan virus clears up. Stay strong. You can turn this around.

I am so sorry...I can hear the hurt in your words.  Unfortunately, women are the assumed caregiver while the sons can do no wrong.  I have lived it my whole life. You didn't mention if you live there permanently or if you just moved in temporarily to help her through this surgery/health issue?  If she is healthy enough to fix her sheeps head soup and gossip on the phone, sounds like she is back on her feet and it's time for you to move on.  You have done your daughterly duties and can now go back to your own home and live your life.  Don't let her words define you.  Let her sons take care of their dear mother for a while.

Dear friend, I think every caregiver knows at some point what it feels like to be taken for granted and to see their relationship with their loved one go through changes that comes from too much contact and too little of what makes us feel good to be together. It's especially rough when it comes from a parent who we, in our hearts, believe should love us unconditionally. But Mom is obviously an imperfect human being, like all of us, and she slips into her own less than desirable behavior. We feel your hurt.

When I feel betrayed, shamed or humiliated, to me it is such a potent reminder how hurtful words can be and it strengthens my resolve to not hurt others in the same way. So a very negative experience can be brought forward in a very positive way. You sound like a very caring daughter who has truly loved and cared for your mother, and you feel such worry for her and pain when she suffers.

It does sound like new boundaries are in order, not to necessarily cut yourself off from family completely, but to make a distinction in yourself about how you choose to treat people even if others have not treated you well.

When someone behaves unfairly towards me, I turn back to the wise advice: "I am only responsible for my side of the street." This is all we can ever do, and beyond that we can say a prayer for others to find their way, and try to let it go. Ultimately, it would be good to have as best a relationship with Mom as possible as she ages. Maybe a change will allow you to appreciate each other again. I hope you can find a new balance and perhaps a better living arrangement. Take care.

Welcome to figuring out you are the scapegoat. Join the club. Try not to let it hurt you. It really isn’t personal.

Your mother is also mine! She talks to my siblings in another room. I can’t do anything right and I’m the dumbest of her children. My sister on the hand can’t do anything wrong. The sister who said I don’t want her when asked if she could live with her. Go figure! I try talking to my mom and I get your trying to kill me or I hear you and that’s the only answer. Consequently I don’t talk with her. Only about appointments she has.