I have 4 older siblings (all retired) and then there is me, the baby sister at 54. I had been caring for my mom every other week and alternating with my sister. We did that for almost 2 years. However, I was driving an hour each way and had to let go of my job.
Fast forward, I got offered a job that I have wanted for 2 years. I accepted the offer. That week I was caring for my mom. I immediately sent a group text to my siblings to let them know and see who would be coming to take my place within 8 days. I heard from no one.
16 hours before I would go to my dream job, still no one had stepped up to relieve me. I talked to my mom, who agreed to pay me close to what I would have made at the new job. Nobody stepped up, and I withdrew my application.
I had nothing but a verbal agreement with my 89 year old mom. Boy, that was a mistake. After the 1st week, my pay dropped. After 3 months, it dropped again, and 2 weeks ago it dropped even more.
So I guess I’m asking, why am I still doing this? I love my mom and want to help but my family and mother are so controlling. $125 for 24 hours under the table is equivalent to how much an hour? Under $6 per hours if my math is correct. Does anyone think this is crazy, or is it me?
To stop all that we pay $32.00/hr, while most agencies pay HHA or CNA workers $17-22/hr. The cost after benefits is $40.44 /hr....with holidays, pto, and. SEP-IRA, and some insurance.
Agencies in N Texas charge from $34.00/hr to $50/hr. We are on 24/7 care with my wife providing care for free daily...meals, support, part of a shift, shopping, meds, cooking.
Despite the free care for 2 (father-91 and mother-94) our costs have risen from $46,000 to now around $289,000.
Their money will now only last 2more yrs. This is my plug for LTC insurance....don't be fools and push this burden on family members.
One sister supports 10days a year, and makes 2 visits for a total of 6 days, and my wife with 2 PhD's and gave up here career is on her 6th year, at a personal cost to us from not working over $700,000 plus all my hiring and payroll and estate planning, tax planning, and financial mgmt support.
To lower costs we have convinced one sister to help my wife, but she won't without replacement income. They don't have much money. We have agreed to pay her 5,000 /mo after taxes and deductions., and provider her living space....
My wife gets no respite care and we spend nearly no time together or have time for vacations...so we are willing to do this. So I'm going to hire her through my company and bill her parents.
That should lower the costs from $289,000 to about $140,000.
A guy I hired yrs ago at a large Aerospace co before I retired was telling me about his Mother in Indonesia needing 24/7 care and his brother was arguing with him about the costs.....get this...$400/mo. Yes you heard that right...$400.00 per month for lives in full time support.
II told my wife we are shipping her parents to Indonesia.
Last year I helped my mother in FL, away from my wife, for 9mos...when she got a brain tumor.
We are "so over" all of this but it goes on and on. I now have a CSA and HHA certification....to teach me how to manage all of this, and OUR ONLY HOPE after $215k in LTC policies is find a way no never burden my 3 children.
The USA has huge care issues! This destroys lives and retirement, but we are obligated out of love. Be responsible...instead of that home and car....step down your costs in life and buy LTC insurance.
Add to this, if you have LTC insurance some policies are in impossible to access and implement when needed because of "rules" in the small print; for instance, facility needs to have RN on premises 24/7. THAT doesn't happen.
Another problem, LTC (reverse mortgages also) can increase your monthly "income" not enough to afford a facility, but just enough to make your income so high that you cannot qualify for Medicaid. Then you are faced with Miller Trusts and Q.I.T. Trusts which most Americans don't even have a clue about, and some states don't allow.
There is a whole wealth of issues, and we in American, thinking we have the best care in the world, have often the worst and the worst mortality, cannot see anyone but an RN or PCP, and have wait times that are enormous.
This is all coming to a head now with many Americans aging, their children desperate, and programs being on the chopping board to cut in terms of Medicaid and Disability programs. If anyone thinks that any political party is ever going to care about the problems of the old and disabled or their families they should think again.
We will see how all this works, but you sure give a good solid picture of how it MAY work, and how much worse it might get.
I myself just wish they would issue us a pill; let us decide when we would like to exit for the good of all.
Anyway, my boss intervened and told me I needed to stop family calls immediately which I did.
The home health aide who was taking care of my sister years ago told me to get back to work. She said that no one was going to take care of me if I lost a job. She was right!
Continue to be on the upward bound and get as much training as you possibly can. That dream job will come to you, but you must keep working towards it. Keep applying for jobs. I'm getting ready to do the same.
I talked to mom about getting in home care, but she refuses to pay for it. She doesn't qualify for state help or financial assistance with care. When my daughter was so sick and i had to leave to go help her with my granddaughter.. I was told "But I need you here!!"
I dont have many friends that would help, a church family, and no family that I can count on.
I cant even go away for a day with out getting a call that she's not feeling well.
I get the "well this is what you signed up for when you moved in." comment.
I am burning out, frustrated, and unhappy.
I don't know what to do.
If its an option.. get someone to help you. Call in assistance. I wish I could.
I hope things work out soon.
Praying for you.
If, again, no takers, again remind her of the agreement, tell her you love her and present her with a contract for her to sign with a direct debit form from her bank.
The contract should have a notary stamp after/when she signs it as you will likely need it to defend yourself to your siblings when your mother passes.
good luck
Note: If your dream job employer contacted you there’s a reason for it. There may not be that many other qualified candidates which means the position may still be available. It’s worth a shot. Don’t let go of your dreams. Take it from someone who has walked in your shoes. We have our own lives to live as well. Wishing you all the best 🫶🏻
Even I got mad reading it when you said you gave up a job you really wanted for this. Pay aside, this is a job you wanted.
I have not read all comments yet, but can your mom pay for outside help?
In response to your question: Are you crazy? Yes, in a way, not for thinking the pay is low but for doing it anyway
I was a relationship seminar once. The counselor who led the seminar said he always gets gripes from say a woman (or a man) asking why the significant other is doing such crazy things, why are they behaving this way.
The counselor said the right question is not why are the other people this way, the question is why are you staying with someone who acts that crazy
And it sort of applies here
I was out of work for a bit and my father thought that meant I had more time to drive him around. What I didn't have was money to fill my gas tank and I told him as much. He was offended! How could expect him to pay for my gas. I informed him I wasn't expecting him to pay for my gas, I was telling him I couldn't do this because I couldn't afford the gas.
Try to get back your real dream job. If you decide to work for yourself, do so legally. Remember, job-hopping is never a good situation. What will you say to employers to apply for new work, and how do you know employers will trust your reliability? Your siblings also need their own jobs to fund their own retirements.
You were trying to do the right thing and help/care for someone you love that helped/cared for you. I feel your siblings should have at least had the decency to call you and talk about the issue. Even if the could not or did not want to care for her. They could have helped you work on a solution. So many people these days are ALL ABOUT THEMSELVES, and the hell with anyone else. I believe you have a good heart and did what you felt was right. Now you are seeing that your mom may have changed in her personality (or maybe not), and you can also see that all of your siblings have left you and your mom with no offers of any type of help. I would agree with other people here, that you also have to care for yourself, as you can see, it is not even like your own family will care enough about you. I can see you live your family, and that is a wonderful, loyal, loving quality. I would now shift into finding a new solution for your mother’s care, so you can give some care to yourself. Your siblings do not have to do anything, but that does not excuse that they should have shown love and care towards your mom and you. That is what family is all about. At least it should be in my opinion. In life some people are like elephants, kind, loyal, smart, and living. Others are like sharks and could care less about family. Best of luck to you, and I am sorry you were let down. Your mom probably cut the pay because she knows it will run out. I hope she is able to appreciate all you have done for her.
She does have a wonderful daughter that will take over if needed.
Daughter lives 3 hours away, so I’m thinking of moving, which is ok.
i personally do not think you shd have given up the job
Care should have been arranged for your ‘shifts’
you have made sacrifices and this was your life. Your mother and father didn’t give up their lives for their parents
I’m sure
youve done what you can but you want to pursue your own dreams now while you still can
look Into what care options are available
If your siblings feel up to their eyes as well then the tone has gone for mother to be in care and you all visit as much as you can
as for others opinions
everyone always has one!
You can no longer cope and this was your dream - you want to pursue
don’t feel bad about siblings not offering more- they prob feel the same way you do and want a break/release so will naturally feel offended even that you are allowed to jump out and they not
the solution is everyone has made sacrifices and hard conversations now about everyone rejoining their lives
it doesn’t mean you care less
find out what care options are available then call a family meeting to discuss
you can no longer cope you want a life as well and mother deserves proper care. It prob isn’t fair to ask anyone to take your responsibility ( your slot) so the conversations are for everyone’s benefits- we need to discuss next phase and that means assisted help
I'm glad you were able to vent. I'm sure so many people can relate!
Of course it was a mistake to let the dream job go!
And, it is not up to you to find your replacement caring for your mom.
It is up to your mother to make the decisions she needs to manage her own life!
Your siblings may or may not step up. That is not your concern.
Stop acquiescing to your mother, your family, your guilt, and go get another job!
Hopefully your dream job! Let your mother figure out what to do when you are no longer available to her!
How are you going to fund your golden years? Struggling in your 70’s-90s doesn’t sound like fun to me.
I imagine you feel stuck now. But you are not stuck. This was an excellent life lesson at an age you can still work and have your own home.
When I paid a friend to care for my husband for a day while I went to a niece's wedding 4 hours away, I paid 15 dollars an hour for a 16 hour day. Going thru an agency would cost 25 dollars an hour private pay.
You need to have a decisive talk with your Mom and your siblings. While they are retired, you still need to work to earn a descent retirement and descent social security. Social security needs you to earn and pay into it 10 years in order to get any benefits when you get to retirement age. Don't get paid under the table. Get a care contract if you decide to continue providing care. Pay taxes.
Only you can decide what your finances need to be.
Are you able to work part time when not caring for Mom on alternating weeks?
Another consideration is what compensation will you receive when your Mom dies? Most likely you will be splitting things equally with siblings who did not care for her at all.
Yes, I think the situation is crazy. Maybe it's time for Mom to pay for an agency to provide caregiving instead of you doing it.
I'm going to type all caps: FAMILY IS SELFISH! PERIOD!
Where you made your mistake was to tell your family so that they could sabotage your moving forward. Each time you turn down a job to move forward, you are turning down an opportunity to pay into your own social security, Medicare and future savings for your own retirement.
Get your resume out there. Pick up a part time job at a grocery store, bank teller or anything while looking for another dream job opportunity. In other words, start detaching from this nonsense. It is not your responsibility to take care of your mother.
Let your mother pay out of pocket for a home care aide. Stop believing lies. Too many caregivers have ended up homeless listening to so-called family members.
As we say in AlAnon, your best thinking got you here; meaning, where you are now in your current situation. You used a warped thinking process to land where you are. It is not up to anyone else to get you out of this mess. It starts with you. It's called self responsibility.
Get counseling to figure out what is driving your behavior to self-sabotage yourself into staying in a no win situation.