I have 4 older siblings (all retired) and then there is me, the baby sister at 54. I had been caring for my mom every other week and alternating with my sister. We did that for almost 2 years. However, I was driving an hour each way and had to let go of my job.
Fast forward, I got offered a job that I have wanted for 2 years. I accepted the offer. That week I was caring for my mom. I immediately sent a group text to my siblings to let them know and see who would be coming to take my place within 8 days. I heard from no one.
16 hours before I would go to my dream job, still no one had stepped up to relieve me. I talked to my mom, who agreed to pay me close to what I would have made at the new job. Nobody stepped up, and I withdrew my application.
I had nothing but a verbal agreement with my 89 year old mom. Boy, that was a mistake. After the 1st week, my pay dropped. After 3 months, it dropped again, and 2 weeks ago it dropped even more.
So I guess I’m asking, why am I still doing this? I love my mom and want to help but my family and mother are so controlling. $125 for 24 hours under the table is equivalent to how much an hour? Under $6 per hours if my math is correct. Does anyone think this is crazy, or is it me?
So only you can make the necessary changes now to improve things, and I would start with getting your resume back out there.
And if and when you get a job offer, you accept it and you give your notice to your family and if no one steps up, who cares, you move on with your life.
If your mom needs that much care then she'll have to be placed in the appropriate facility.
Yes, there's quite a lot of "craziness" going on here because what you are doing could well prevent you mom from getting into care when she needs to unless she can support herself in ALF or MC for fully five years "lookback" by Medicaid.
This is one of the worst things you can do as an elder. Look up "gifting and Medicaid rules".
A care contract with an attorney would protect you both. You would be paid and she would be protected by paying for care, and not being accused of gifting.
There is a saying "Ignorance is no excuse before the law". Meaning there are rules and if you break them because you are uninformed there will be no relief of it in judgement, and the price paid will be steep.
It is NOT on you when you accept your DREAM JOB whether or not anyone else picks up the slack. It is on THEM.
Because, guess what, you just gave notice and resigned.
As to Mom, she then either replaces you, and pays to do so
OR
she gets another family member who is as uninformed and malleable as you were
OR
she goes into care where she will be cared for.
You have written us well after the horse left the barn.
What can we say now? Sorry about the lost dream job? Sorry you are stuck with mom? Sorry she isn't paying? Sorry you didn't choose the dream job? Sorry mom is going to be in trouble for gifting and never able to access Medicaid when she needs it?
Because I am. I am very, very sorry about all of it.
If I were you, I'd get out fast. This is a bad situation for you, and you don't have to be under mama's thumb or dictated to by your siblings. You're 54 years old, for pete's sake! An adult! Go, and let them figure out who is going to take care of your mother. She should go to Assisted Living, where she can live it up at social functions, enjoy the entertainment, and be free of all of you. If I were your mom, I'd rather do that than be beholden to my children or put them out in any way.
So without meaning to be mean, just a bit of tough love, yes, although you did it with good intentions, it was crazy to let go of your dream job and it is crazy now for you to remove yourself from the professional workforce with its salary, benefits, retirement, social security, etc. to be paid $6.00 an hour under the table. So don't do it.