My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
The mother will not use a bidet attachment on the toilet. She refuses to even use the toilet. She insists on a bedpan being brought into the kitchen instead. She wants her daughter there cleaning up her crap and wiping her a$$ and will not consider any alternative plan.
Unless she is forced to.
My mother pulled a similar action for a little while. She was refusing to use the flushing toilet. She'd walk right past the bathroom in favor of using the portable commode that's for emergencies only.
I told her I refused to empty it again. She kept crapping and peeing in it until it there was no more space to go in it. I would not empty it. I put the lid on it and left it there for a week. She used the bathroom every time. On the eighth day I told her I would clean it and if she used it again and it's not an emergency, I'd throw it away.
She uses it usually no more than once or twice to pee every couple of days.
This was two years ago.
The OP's mother will start accepting outside help and trying whatever assistance devices made available to her when her daughter and husband stop catering to her. She knows a nursing home is a real possibility right the around the corner if she doesn't get over her stubborness and abusive neediness.
The OP and husband need to force her to get over it.
Maximus, can you attend & ensure the hygiene issue (the wiping problem) is fully explained?
Mom is 90, has had a very recent illness - I imagine still very fatigued. Nurses would have assisted in hospital - sometimes patients then grow quite dependant. In addition, low oxygen messes with thinking.
Visiting therapy services at home could help - for PT exercises, esp lung & OT for fatigue management & toileting aides.
Maybe in hindsight, a stay in in-patient rehab was needed.
1 min ago
SEE MY QUESTION and REPLIES REGARDING 70th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY - all of my life has been dedicated to my parents. It’s not that I just started being with them.
By the way, my husband, puppy and I drove down to Florida for their 70th wedding anniversary and surprised them! We found a way! Now there’s another problem-I have been here for 7 weeks just to wipe her rear since she became ill and she doesn’t want me to leave! Now tell me what to do!?
It sounds as though you and your husband have been a bit too ‘good’ for a long time. “We never took a vacation without them! We visit them for weeks at a time because they live far from us. We talk on the phone everyday and we love them dearly”. Have you ever said No? Do they expect that you will always do everything they need? There is a good book called Boundaries, which might be a good thing to read. Starting this when they are over 90 is a bit hard, but it’s never too late to stand up for your selves. Courage!
These options are from a lady in her 70s. Despite being active, engaged & full of life she was realistic about her situation - being shorter & rounder was making it hard to 'reach to wipe'. She came up with;
Do it herself, however she could, using either a long handled aid (ie sponge on a stick) or consider a bidet.
If that failed, accept help was next. By implimenting a routine & hire a morning aide. Nursing home was last on her list.
She said it was her bum so her problem to solve.
Which is exactly what I told someone else who had mentally illness & *you do it* dependant behaviour. Her bottom. Her problem.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/parents-wanted-to-sell-their-house-and-move-in-191850.htm?orderby=recent
Getting old is hard--if you are in your 60s (as am I, for a few more months) you know that!
It sounds like your mom thought that YOU were her health care plan for her old age. It's time to tell her (gently) that you, too are a senior citizen and that there needs to be an alternative solution.
It also sounds like your mom is scared. Sometimes fear gets expressed as anger.
Was she given the option of going to rehab after her hospitalization? It sounds like she needs rehab services, either at home or in a facility so that she CAN become more independent.
It also sounds like her thinking is not clear. Is she beginning to show some signs of cognitive decline?
You may be in your sixties but you are NOT old! You always inspire me with your progressive attitude. You are young at heart, but you have wisdom from your experiences from your caregiver days. Great combination!
I am right behind you. I am 67!
She requires help with toileting.
You have given her a solution--a tool to use. She rejects it.
Her preferred solution is for you to become her personal attendant.
You have as much right to say "no, I can't possibly do that, Mom" as she has to reject the tool.
Mom is going to be angry, I guess.
So? What do mom and dad propose to do?
It's THEIR problem. You can help arrange a solution (bidet, personal care worker, move to Assisted Living) without becoming the solution.
We never took a vacation without them! We visit them for weeks at a time because they live far from us. We talk on the phone everyday and we love them dearly. One lousy mishap, according to my mom, and we're the most horrible, selfish people! What?
There isn’t anything that you can do about her anger. I am sorry that she doesn’t understand your frustration. Your mom is so caught up in her own world that she is blind to your needs.
It’s understandable that you are frustrated. She needs someone to help her, so she is frustrated too. She doesn’t want your father to help.
She has to find another solution to her problems. Can you speak with your dad about alternatives for her? Than explain to your mom what options are available for her.
Go ahead and vent here. We are here to listen and help out with suggestions.
Have you contacted Council on Aging in her area? They will assess your mom’s needs. They will discuss options regarding her care.
I’m glad that you have decided to be your mom’s daughter again and leave the caregiving to someone else. Hopefully, your mom will choose trained professionals to care for her needs.
Best wishes to you and your family.