I still have her hair done weekly, manicures and coordinate her outfits. She makes zero sense when she speaks (people murdering sides, she says she drives to Toronto, is interviewing)…she has delusions and is sometimes paranoid. I do my best for her, however I NEVER want to be this way. When she passes there will be no funeral as no one is left. Horrible to have the mind gone but the body working.
If we all had the right to die on our own terms when we know we are going to end up in this condition, if we could exit when we like, fewer would end up in this condition. My mother died a slow and miserable death from dementia. I see people at my husband's memory care facility going through the same process.
We need universal MAID in the USA. But we won't have it in my lifetime, I'm sure.
That night one of our out-of-town family members called Mom and asked if she did anything special for her birthday and Mom replied, "No," then said, "Well, I can't remember."
That was a real wake up call for me. After all we had done to make her happy and feel special, she remembered none of it. Later, I showed her photos of the occasion, and she said, "oh yes, I think I remember that."
We still did a birthday party for her again this year, but now I know not to expect her to remember anything. But I feel it is still important that we do it, because at least she was happy and felt loved for the moments it was going on.
And I agree with you, I hope and pray that I do not live long enough to suffer the kind of dementia Mom has.
I have just started trying two things to help when my mother doesn’t remember events or how often I’ve been there. One seems to be helping but the other is only of more help to me in the end.
The first, suggested by a neighbor, is that I am trying to put together captioned photo albums of things we’ve done and who we did it with. I am trying to devote each album to only one major event, like her recent 94th birthday party, or maybe a group of similar activities such as photos of her taken at the different restaurants we’ve eaten at since she lives going out for meals. I’ve only made a couple so far but my mother seems to enjoy them. I can also use them to show her the what, when and where, and she can also look through them on her own. I also hope that the photos with captions of who is in the photos may help jog her memory of the people in her life.
The second thing which helps me more than her is that I have a date book where I have everyone who visits or takes her places record the who, what, and where as well. That way I can also remind her that according to her calendar her granddaughter came to visit for example, even if I wasn’t there, or even if I didn’t know about it. By writing it on the page or slit for that date I can know and show her how many different people do visit and how often when she says that it has been ages since anyone has come. I would like to start adding some of the special events at her memory care such as field trips as well.
As I said, I’ve only just started trying both of these but I think they may be helping. If nothing else I will have good memories of the things we did together after she is gone.
Be aware that it might not work as intended - if your mum feels bad about the disconnect between her own memory and what the pictures and calendar say, you may have to use these records only for yourself. Also, there may come a time when your mum can no longer decipher language.
However, I hope that it works, as it would be a lovely way for your mum to "remember", or create comforting stories in her head about these occasions that really happened, even if she can't recall them.
Wishing you all the best.
Best wishes….
She saw me regularly, but I wonder whether she told the carers about her daughter never visiting! It's possible.
It wouldn't upset me because I understand the nature of dementia.
However, I only visited as much as was necessary to make sure Mum was okay. There's no point in visiting to keep someone company when they don't get anything out of it (she would be glued to the television, barely noticing me, or she'd sleep in her chair).
If you're not alone in the world, ask friends or family out for a memorial day. Whether with others or alone, go to lunch or dinner somewhere that has a special memory, or a lovely park or other place that your m-i-l used to like.
For my mum, it would be kite flying on Dunstable Downs, or picnic by a lake (she used to enjoy fishing with her husband).
Only you can know what would help you remember your m-i-l when she was truly herself, before dementia took her away.
You need to mark the occasion for yourself. In fact, all funerals are for the living, not for the dead. They help us process all the conflicting emotions and ease our own transition, especially for those of us who were caregivers or advocates.
In the meantime, don't do more than you feel is good for your own wellbeing; you can't make any significant impact on your m-i-l's life, so you should prioritise your own.
She also wants to teach her children to fish, just as her grandma and grandad taught her.
There are many ways we can honour and remember the lives of those we lost.
The first year anniversary of Mum's passing is coming up, so when I go on holiday to the seaside next month, I will play the penny waterfall slot machines in the arcade and try (this being the operative word) to fly a kite on the beach. I might even take a detective novel with me, this being Mum's favourite genre.
Whatever we do, we should aim to remember our loved ones with happiness. My mum and I didn't always get on, but even her scolding makes me laugh now. She was a character, my mum!
YOU know that you have cared for her, been there for her, seen to it that she has what she needs.
Many people think the same way you do. This is one of the reasons that Medical Aid in Dying is more of a topic now. One of the reasons doctors are getting asked about medical Suicide. Unfortunately the hoops that one has to jump through to accomplish a medical suicide is insane..but I kinda get it. And once you get the OK, many reach a point where they can not carry it out because they are not "competent" to take the meds themselves, in some cases some may not physically be able to take them.
And for people in areas where it is not legal they plan on taking their own life. (I know a very controversial topic.)
And to your last comment...I have asked people would you rather have a mind that works and a body that doesn't (think ALS) Quite often as dementia progresses the body no longer works either. A person looses the ability to do all ADL's, to walk, talk, feed themselves....