Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
The counselors had a saying for such situations. it went like this…
”If you try to make sense of insanity, it will drive YOU crazy!” No matter what, she’s your mom, you want to do the best you can by her! Most mothers want the best for their kids. It’s okay to assume that is what your mom wants, but can’t do anymore. So, you have to take care of you now, and that is very hard to do right now! Just do the best you can and try not to be too hard on yourself or her! Both of you are in a very difficult and new situation. Be gentle with yourself and your mother. You are both doing the best you can under your new circumstances!
The problem sometimes is getting an elder to take a med for these issues . My mother refused , said “ those are for crazy people , I’m not crazy “. Some ask what every pill is for and in my 2 LO’s experiences , both facilities would not lie to them .
Or like my in laws , “ there is nothing wrong with me , my brain is fine “. It is interesting that they both said the same thing considering they are divorced 35 years and did not communicate with each other . FIL passed Jan 2024.
We just saw MIL this weekend ( lives 4-5 hours away) . Spent all day with her . I’m convinced that my suspicions have been correct that she has dementia as well . Definitely saw the progression from months ago . We did not bring up dementia or her brain at all . We talked to her about driving since she recently had a fender bender . We brought up her reflexes since she is very physically frail as well . She argued the accident wasn’t her fault . She made a right turn at a stop sign. She did not have right of way obviously . Her excuses of why it was not her fault were not rational .
Then she kept repeating that there is nothing wrong with her brain , and that if she thought she could not drive , she wouldn’t . We never brought up her brain , she did . There were other examples , in various conversations , which convinced me she has dementia as well , her reasoning is off . She like my FIL will never agree to cognitive testing . ( FIL was finally tested later , but refused to go to neurology for follow up , and his primary was not willing to list it as a diagnosis . She wanted neurology to do that ). MIL’s memory still appears good .( I did notice some comfabulation) . But I highly doubt a doctor will pick up on anything during a 15 minute visit . She can showtime well , seem normal .
My Mom just stopped walking in 2018 and is stuck in a wheelchair...just like I told her she'd be if she quit walking....now I'm very limited as what I can do with her anymore. I used to take her out to eat, to go get her nails done, etc but now all I can do is take her for fast food or a ride in my car cuz I can't get her out cuz she can't walk. I don't feel sorry for her because I warned her. I told her she gave up on herself and she did and it's not my fault....and it's not your fault either. They lived their lives...it's time for us to live ours.
point is, I feel the same way as you do. After 50 years of visiting/working for her—only daughter slave syndrome, haha. NOT. I visited twice since her homecoming. Text every day.
that’s plenty enough for me. And finally, I’m free! 😍👍
Medications can also escalate these emotions.
My mother was angry too but she needed 2 caregivers and her long term insurance only covered one.
Her attorney sided with my choice and she had her own private room and bathroom.
The dining room and food was top shelf.
She passed in 2012.
My brother died in 2009 of renal cell carcinoma and he was a grizzly bear.
I have end stage myelomalacia and the prednisone makes me awful adding to the myelomalacia mental symptoms. I know I’m cranky and I apologize constantly.
Walking in someone’s else’s shoes takes being mindful of all the components of the situation.
One day you may require an understanding kind ear.
Research and learn the symptoms of everything from disease to medications. Knowledge is a great tool.
I wish you the best-
can you involve anyone else - family/friends to help provide support /company
i have a brother who was involved I. A serious car accident years ago
he always see negative first
even if he turns the tv on he heads to depressing news then want to talk about it
i just say turn over to something positive - or let’s change the subject this is depressing me
He would sulk then after a while still would do it but turns tv over etc when I enter
sone people seem to be born like that
it can be very draining
a lot of the time it’s because they are bored
i bought my brother a little dog
now he spends more time spoiling and looking after him
lots of animal rescue places around as well waiting fur their new human
good luck
would she notice if you simply didn’t go there? If she even gets mixed-up about when/if you visit…especially if she doesn’t recognize you as much…just give yourself permission to have a life, ALL YOUR OWN 😍👍
You probably need to do this anyway.
I am an almost 70 years old only daughter child , as well. My MOMSTER has been (almost seems compelled?), to disrespect/disregard
criticize, and be downright mean to me, for…forever. All people who observe our toxic interactions cannot believe her ugliness to me.
only me—well, many men left her. The closer one gets to her, the meaner she gets!
and it took me all my life, until she fell and was in a nice rehab place, like a nursing home, and I could breathe and be free.
then she somehow got back to her home. No mobility, now 90 years old, and getting dementia. An aide there 12 hours in daytime. She’s alone at night. She needs to be back in the rehab/nursing home, I feel. I’ve got no legal say, bizarrely enough! I see her rarely but as someone here wisely pointed-out: It wasn’t because I felt no longer GUILTY…it was because I had let go of my need for her approval. Thank goodness. Think about it: Are you still desperately seeking her approval? That may feel like guilt!
Everyone is different; we are all going through many versions of Life! I’m beaming out to you, from another Only Daughter, “Time to Cut the Cord”, and “Put on Your Big Girl Pants”, “YOU get to choose YOURSELF, and begin to respect yourself”…Strong Energy! Hard work, but it’s the Way to go.
May the Road Rise with You ❤️🩷
just my thoughts wishing you and your family the best ..Prayers and Love 🙏🏼
If he knows it all then leave him to it. Also, don't pay for anything. He's getting what he needs in the VA so you don't need to come up with money for him.
My friend, if you don't want to be in his life anymore you don't have to be. You're not wrong and should not allow yourself to be guilt-tripped by him or anyone else if your decision is to cut him out of your life.
You did the best you could to help him and you've paid for his needs for the last 15 years. It's time for you to stop paying. Do let him know that if he makes it too hard for the staff of the VA, they will remove him from their facility and put him in some dump state nursing home.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years and am in the business of it now. Also, my mother is the most negative person on earth and has been my entire life and maybe even longer. So, I totally get what you're saying.
No one has unlimited patience and can only take so much. Back in the day, when I has clients like your mother I'd just ignore them and this was before the days of the smartphone, so here was no going on the phone and just tuning the person out like today. When I knew a client waned someone to fight with, I'd just agree with everything they'd say.
When they wouldn't get the fight they wanted the personal attacks and insults would follow. My go-to response was, 'Shut the hell up. No one cares what you think'. If it was an ornery old woman, often tears would follow. If it was an ornery old man, they'd usually stop.
I get a lot of calls from my aides because the negativity and orneriness gets to be too much for them. I'll often tell the client personally that they have to stop the behavior or their service will be stopped. Or I take it up with their family/representative. We've dropped many clients who were just too much.
Many caregivers reach a point where they feel exactly as you do: drained, guilty, and wanting space. Please know that those feelings don’t mean you love her any less — they mean you’re human, and caregiving is exhausting. It’s normal to pull back a little for your own peace of mind.
Some families find it helps to:
• Limit time on the phone if calls are always negative — short and sweet check-ins can still show love.
• Redirect instead of reasoning (reasoning rarely works in dementia).
• Focus visits on small activities she enjoys (hair, music, treats) rather than conversations that spiral into complaints.
• Remind yourself she is safe, cared for, and you are doing your part by showing up.
You are not alone in feeling conflicted. Many of us have wrestled with guilt while also craving peace. What you’re experiencing is sadly ‘normal’ with dementia, and you deserve support just as much as she does