Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
So now I am fighting the urge to call her back and try and say whatever it takes to make her be nice to me again. I am always living in fear of her--that I will screw up and she reminds me constantly that she is old but I have everything going for me. I do not have everything going for me. I am suffering from a kind of emotional paralysis and it is a bad morning. BUT, so far I have not calleed her back and am hanging in there. I just cannot go on like this. At this rate I will die before she does. I could and would never be like this to my children. I was thinking I didn't have to lay down boundaries but here I am again. Detach, detach, detach. Jeweltone and many of you have inspired me. I am at a scary crossroad but hanging in there I just cannot face the rest of my life like it has been. I just cannot do it.
Just an update--I really am feeling good about the counselor. Doing lots of work on healing the child within. I am booked weekly with the counselor through December so I know there is much to do. I am learning more and more everyday and gaining more strength every day, remembering it is two steps forward, one step back. This morning she called and wanted to pick a fight over what she should do in an emergency. We have gone over this multiple times. This is not dementia--this is the same discussion we have had for years--she is always trying to prove that I am not there for her... Always doubting that I will be there. This must go back to her abandonment issues so I try to be patient. Her voice was that familiar challenging, sarcastic tone I have grown to recognize quickly and I am now rolling better with it. "Let me get this straight--if I have an emergency, you do not want me to call you first, right?" "No mom, you should call me first. If I do not answer then call 911 or push your button." "You want me to call you first?" "Yes, mom." "Oh, all right."
Dog update: she is going to receive a dog from a breeder after it has its litter in December. Sweet dog, very calm. I think it will be all right. Yes, I will help, but I am willing to help. If things do not work out, I will keep the dog or return it to its owner. I am also willing to do this. There is no pet therapy or pet-loan in the area, and she is allergic to cats--at least she thinks she is. I am grateful for the period of calm (related to dogs) from now until December. Thanks for all the ideas and advice. If this doesn't work out, I honestly think she will move into an independent or assisted living facility and that might be for the best in the long term, although she will hate the food, the people, the struture, the everything to begin with. Oh--such joyous events to look forward to! (I must have inherited a little sarcasm...) Have a great day!
There are various values of subcultures and religious subcultures that have a very twisted view of people, children, spouses, selfishness what you do and do not talk about, and what it means to be an unselfish, helping person for others which so often is taken to a deadly extreme. A definition of selfishness that says that taking care of yourself is not as important as taking care of someone else, it's a set up for being walked on like a door mat. When folks isolate you by telling you to not tell anyone outside of your family about your life, you're being groomed for abuse. If someone says if mom or dad is not happy, then no one is happy, you are being told that your own happiness does not matter and you will never have your own happiness apart from them. When a parent says something like "I brought you into this world and I can take you out" you're dealing with a potentially harmful person at least emotionally harmful.
Some people's subculture grooming includes twisting of religious teaching for the parent's advantage that I've mentioned in another thread somewhere on AC.. Nowhere in the bible does it say you have to only take care of an elderly parent at home (your's or their's), give up your job, loose your marriage, leave your own home or in practically honor them in the name of the the bible's call to honor one's parent to the degree that you no longer honor an existing marriage or honoring ones own self care. There's not any religious teaching that says when your parent gets old and unhealthy that you leave your spouse and cleave unto your parent until death do you part! Some narcissistic and borderline parents seem to have a different view from what is actually in the Bible and actually said in wedding vows.
Self-denial does not mean denying or destroying the very unique self that God made us as. Our lives matter too! Lastly, if we don't find ways to have our own life before such a parent dies, we will find it very hard to have a life after they die because their voice will still be so strong in our lives for we had not started detaching from them earlier.
Take care!
I'd say instead of getting a new dog see if your mom could help at an animal shelter every week or two. If she could go in and just pet some animals and give them attention it'd do the animals and her some good, and then there's no worry about her having to walk or clean up after a dog, etc.
Philis, you made many good points? Thank you.
I would say no to the dog. Why? Who is going to take the dog out? her? no. Who is going to pick up the poo when the dog goes poo/pee in her or someone else's house? Her? No. Who is going to wash the dog? Her? No. Who is going to go to the store to buy food for the dog? Her? no. Who is going to take care of the dog if she passes away? Her? obviously no.
Meaning the thing that when you lie down to go to sleep are saying to yourself "I was so stupid, why can't I just do this". That is the thing that usually contradicts what you are actually doing out of fear of being called unloving, but it is the exact thing you SHOULD be doing. WHY? Because YOUR life is just as legitimate as everyone else's life, you know those other lives you think are suffering, yea well wake up YOU are now suffering too, so WHO TAKES CARE OF YOU???? Only you can at this point usually since no one else is in your life anymore after going through these kinds of situations.
I am coming to figure it out that it is some of the twisted interpretations of cultural or spiritual morals we have learned or been taught and don't think there are exceptions or limits to those things. We are taught that selfishness is wrong, again another example of a moral which has limits and exceptions, if no one were selfish then no one would even work or eat or buy a tshirt for themselves. Deep down we are tormented by wrong interpretations of words like selfishness, love, caring, helping, etc. We think all these things have no conditions (a lie) and no limits (a lie) and no exceptions (a lie).
So in the end you will have to oppose the tormenting voices in your mind that constantly tell you that you are being bad and evil by setting limits to people and their behaviors. You will have to be ok with people cursing you and saying you are uncaring, unloving, selfish, greedy, etc. etc. You know what it is that is right, that which tells you "I wish I had not been so stupid and done so and so" that is usually almost every time the thing you should ALWAYS be doing.
"I didn't know I was competing with you," I snarled back at her. Then I added,
"If I knew I had to compete with you I would have had a better time and really picked some winners!"
We both laughed!
I was just trying to think of how the thinking of others might be. I remember riding down the backwood roads of south Georgia back in the 1980s. People would have areas that they dumped things -- old furniture, tires, garbage, etc. Crews would come along occasionally and try to clean things up. Finally the county started posting "No Dumping" signs. It worked fast. I think caregivers have to make their own signs or people will continue to dump their negativity onto them. The signs don't have to be mean or angry, but they do have to establish that you are a no dump zone. This sounds like what you are doing with your mother. So cool the progress you are making. You're giving me ideas on things I can try.
Mom would also get very snippy if she was supposed to do something anybody else had told her to or expected her to do (exercise, stop eating fatty food, take her insulin, join the church where she wanted to be buried, etc.). Her big thing was to always say "Don't PUSH me!" I had gotten so fed up with her one time years ago that I said that she's lucky I'm so far away or I would have pushed her hind end with my big old foot. I could picture her in my mind as a sassy little girl on the playground with a big lip stuck out and her arms crossed, mad at everybody.
I feel I need courage and that this is the very hardest thing I will ever do--my divorce many years ago was horrendous--I got through that and I can get through this, at least I will truly try. At least with a divorce, there is an official end (doesn't always really work, but still). With my mother, I feel as though this will go on for another decade or even longer. I will be in my 70's and I so want to enjoy my life and my loved ones. I want this manipulative gravel off my back. It pokes me, rubs me every wrong way, weighs a ton, and has been there for probably 50 years. It has been the heaviest the last ten years or so. I can't bear the weight anymore. I am trying very hard to not keep talking about my worries relating to my mother with my husband and grown kids, but it is hard. I feel like if I quit always talking about it and focus on other thinks, that will help. I will try!
Thank you again--I am leaving soon and hoping to have a nice day with my husband and some visiting cousins. We have to travel a couple of hours and my mother called to let me know her eye was bothering her. She did not want me to call the doctor yet, so I feel grateful for that. She told me to have a nice time, but that is always laced with her feelings of having nothing to do while I am having fun. She was invited but chose not to go. I told her I didn't know when I would be home and she said she was used to that. So... I am going to try and throw off her little comments and have a nice day. Or even some nice moments. I am going to try and find beauty all around me today. You are all beautiful, and I truly am grateful for your support, encouragement, and incredibly helpful advice.
It did feel good today to share the burden some by telling her what I did. If someone dares says to me I should be nicer to my mama, I'll probably give them a virtual smack. I am really good to her, but this bag of gravel gets heavier and heavier as the years wear on.
You cannot fix her. You can only fix yourself.
You are NOT the cause of your mother's depression - believe me - and no matter how she wants to blame everything on you, it just is not true, but a symptom of her sick mind. Example: my mother has had heart palpitations at various times related to her thyroid condition. She blames some one, once my daughter who was only trying to help her at the time. The real cause was that mother had chosen to stop taking her thyroid meds. Another time her dose was too high and she blamed the staff of the facility for upsetting her and so on. She always has to blame someone and I have had my fair share of being blamed. Even as a child I realised that I was not "as bad" as her rages indicated. You have a good mind - use it. Look at things rationally. Yes, your mother will take advantage of anything - like a trip you plan - to get her narcissistic supply and suck you into the FOG. (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). Yes, you feel those things but you don't have to act on them. Feelings are temporary. Any time you feel these take a hard look at what is happening to your emotions and choose whether or not to act on them. Your childhood emotions are driving your behaviours. They don't have to. I know it is scary to make different choices, but each time you do make even small healthier choices, it gets easier. In fact, reacting to her manipulations is enabling her and not good for her - or for you.
You are doing better and you can continue to, and get healthier. It isn't a straight oath - it is up and down, back and forth. That's OK. Pat yourself on the back for the progress you have made. (((((((((hugs))))))))
Can you remind yourself that you are NOT in charge of your mom's happiness? I know she probably trained you to think that you were, but you're not. Think about HER inner child for a sec. Maybe she got little attention when she was young, or maybe her parents were too self involved to know how to grow their children's inner strength. It's very sad, isn't it? But you know what? YOU can't fix it. Only your mom can fix herself, and sadly, given her cognitive limitations now, it may not be possible at all. But the one thing I can tell you with certainty is that it not your job to fix her. No amount of love, attention or bending over backwards will fill the void she has in her center.
The best you can do is work on yourself so that you can prevent your children from having this kind of issue with you!