Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
Dealing with my mom it feels like taking crazy pills. I'm trying to help her this week, and she needs groceries, but I buy them, and they're the wrong ones. I say, well, I will take you Friday after work. No, that doesn't work for her. She starts telling me I'll have to take her Monday, Tuesday, maybe Wednesday (whenever her mood is right, basically), and I finally said, no, I can't just be on call to her whims. I have a stressful job with long hours and I can't deal with a human mood ring.
I told her, I know someone who you can pay to drive you around. (She has a good pension and can afford that.) This woman works with old people, is patient, and I told my mom she can pay her at least $10 an hour to drive her around at 1 in the afternoon and I'll make sure she gets some gas money, too. I figure it might be less drama with someone else; my mom jerks me around so much it's maddening.
Turning off your phone more is a great idea. I started doing that. When my mom would question me...my excuse was always that the battery went dead. I cannot tell you how much better I feel keeping my distance from her. I still write out her rent check, but that is all. I don't even do her medicine anymore. She has it delivered from a local pharmacy. Too bad it couldn't have been like this sooner, but I guess I didn't really know how to let go.
My mom is going to be 70 this year and I know I have a long road ahead of me, so I decided it was time to make those decisions now. Keep working toward your goals with no regrets.
Souinds like the addiction side of things is creeping up. That is the side that was addicted to pleasing mom at all costs. That's actually not you, it is a foreign emotional thing from your mom's programming. It's what makes you feel awful and unloveable that you seriously questioned whether your husband could actually love you. The flip side of that doubt is the real message, "only mom finds you lovable and only mom can actually love you, thus come back to mom." What a lie from her sickness or worse!
Working past that with your therapist that you are meeting with on Friday is one of those pains of your labor towards giving birth to your own new life and a valuable, unique human being. Keep pushing and keep breathing.
Sounds like your husband has some healthy emotional distance from his mom. That's good!
Do something nice for you today. Do something fun with your husband today!
Good luck with the counselor, I hope that it's a good fit for you. Remember, this is NOT another person you have to please. This is a person who is trained to look at all the dark brown goop that is inside ALL of us and help up reconstruct a person capable (in our own eyes) of both loving and being loved. You are indeed worthy of that and I wish you well on this journey.
I have to get out of the role of being the "fixer" of all things real or imagined. I know what is coming next... If she does not have a dog, she will start to worry about her health so I will have to prepare myself for that. Of course, she doesn't like her doctor but she tried to switch and the next one was worse. Oh well.
For some reason, I do feel better this morning. Of course, it is early and I haven't heard from her yet. Lynnemk, I definite see the parallel. By the way, my mother went through a zillion shoes before finally settling in on one or two styles, so I am sorry your mom is only in slippers. My mother is horribly afraid of falling also. Is your mom at home? Sounds like you have siblings? I would be very grateful for a sibling, if he/she were helpful. If not, that would add to the nightmare.
So, happy Sunday to all. I am hoping and praying that the counselor visit will go well for me in Friday.
Last night, I felt so awful and unloveable that I seriously questioned whether my husband could actually love me. He reassured me once again. He is wonderful and I am so grateful for him. He has his mom here but he manages not to dwell on things, and she has her share of issues.. I wish I had better control of my brain sometimes!
Just remember, the fact that your mother is old, infirm and whatever else she is is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Great to hear back from you today! You are making progress and gaining insights along the way. This journey definitely includes a lot of labor intensive pains and anxiety. However, the pains and related anxiety of such labor will fade in the joy of having one's new and own life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep this before you like your own eye of the tiger that you may know from one of those Rocky Movies in the past. Even a strong individual needed an Adrian to get his "Eye of the Tiger" back and stay on track.
You are a strong person to have gotten to wear you are. With support and effort you will get there. Just, remember to breathe!
I will be helpful to have a face to face therapist when you get one. My armchair perception of where the feelings of being terrified are from emerges from the grooming that your mother put you through. In other words, it could be what some describe as the inner child who knows to be terrified given past experiences with mom. Some people get stuck right at this point of being terrified and find it safer to stay stuck as an attempt to maintain a false peace.
Narcissists and borderlines do not view their children when they become adults as fully functioning adults with their own identity. How dare one step out and claim their identity as their own individual person when the abusive parent only sees them as an extension of themselves.
Thus, the need for such a focused determination to dam the torpedoes, despise the pain of the journey and have a take no prisoners outlook in the pursuit of the goal of living as their own person.
My SIL struggles with this. Her identical twin sister, my wife, and I have shared the very same things she's told us that her therapist she no longer sees has shared with her. I think she's more terrified by her past than she is inspired by her future.
Take care. It's normal to feel terrified. However, you don't have to let being terrified to make you petrified. You can chose to give in to the terror or recognizing where it is coming from to move past it. On the other hand, those emotions can be so intense and long lasting that sometimes a mixture of stabalizing meds are given to help the person deal with things in a more leveal headed approach.
Take care.
I went on the trip and it was awesome! Plus, the best news ever--my husband's biopsy is negative--benign! Yay and phew!
I enjoyed my grandson and husband and was able to minimize my mother-worry to some extent. I spoke to my mother once a day and honestly she was appropriate. Now I am back (with company visiting) and my mother is overly-excited, emotional, demanding because... Well, yesterday she didn't have a dog, then she found out about one and we brought it home, and now she is over the top trying to get it to a vet, have it groomed, etc. A quick rush back to her normal state of drama and need for immediacy. My company, my mother's cousin noticed that my mother has changed considerably in the five years since he has seen her--physically and mentally. I may not have been noticing changes as much because I see her every day. I will watch more carefully, but no matter what, even if she is dealing with some level of dementia, I still have lots of work to do with boundary setting and finding my own free path. I read over your entries on and off when I was gone. I am so grateful, and one day (sooner than later), I hope to be helping others because I have figured out how to have my own life despite seemingly terrifying odds. Maybe the counselor (who I do not yet have) can help me figure out why I get terrified. Anyway, please keep your positive energy and suggestions coming. I will be checking and hoping you all are doing well. XXOO
Of course with narc parents, they want just the opposite of us being happy or independent.
Heck, my mom even told me I should go after my husband's brother (before we married), because she thought he would be a better match -- or maybe he was more her type (that was probably it). He's a nice guy, but I wouldn't have wanted to go on a date with him when I was single, but hey, what Mama wants ... she'll be sure to tell you. And she was convinced my father-in-law was falling in love with her and my mother-in-law resented my mom because of that! So much delusion!
Does your health insurance company have a web site? If so, it may help you to find who is on your plan in your area. They often include information like gender, education and where they got their education. If they have one, I'd check it out.
And please remember that when your mom tries to guilt you into doing what she wants, she's intentionally trying to make you feel bad. This doesn't come from a place of love.
When you call her while on the trip, remember you are doing something normal and reasonable, and important to your own family. Don't get pulled into drama while away.
We can't change past actions or family history, but we can choose to stop the dysfunction in our generation. We can become better parents for the experience (I call it anti-mothering), better spouses and unconditionally loving people because we truly understand unconditional love.
When you feel the old feelings moving in, give your grandson a hug and move past them. Picture all of us on the sidelines, telling you that you can do this.
Remember, one day at a time and at times one hour at a time. You are making progress. Rome was not build in a day nor was your grooming accomplished in a day. Keep downloading the updates for a new program for life and install them on the hard drive of your mind. You are savable.