Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
For me, that particular kind of guilt was a lot more complicated. Guilt is very simple, and this mess was not simple.
I had to accept the fact that *I* cannot rescue her anymore. I have done a lot of rescuing for her since dad died in the 80s. I had run out of rescue, plain & simple.
Mom had programmed me to feel bad about being an individual, about having my own space, my own thoughts, my own opinions. I was supposed to be an extension of herself, not my own person. I had MAKE myself be OK with knowing what I want, when I want it, how I want it, and what I will and won't do.
I had to MAKE myself learn to say no and stop being a people pleaser. Other peoples' emotions about me and what I do is THEIR problem, not mine. Even mom. Especially mom.
Then I felt guilty about feeling guilty because I let her win when I felt guilty. Isn't that crazy? But it's true. It is a really destructive and sick thinking cycle to get trapped in.
Look at it this way. You have the emotional equivalent of a broken back. You need time, space, and support to heal properly. People with broken backs don't go out and do gymnastics the next day. Working with a parent who has issues is the emotional equivalent of doing gymnastics.
Rest, recuperation, protection, and time will heal you. Go literally write yourself a pass to get out of emotional gymnastics with your mother. When you think you are going to attempt a flip, read your hall pass. Go back to R&R and stay there until you are completely healthy!
Today the doctor's office called and left a message that they would be in town and wanted to know if it would be okay to stop and see my mom. I didn't call them back, I have told them to call her already and I am really trying to back off more. I do not know if they stopped by today and fine if they didn't. My aunt also was so upset last night when she left, that she didn't get my mom's medicine at the pharmacy. Oh well... my mom paid someone at AL to do it last week, she can do the same this week. I am really trying here. The more I back off the more guilty I feel. Hopefully, counseling with help with that.
My mom stopped by on my birthday as I guess a semi-peace offering. I figure I won't fight it. Her neighbors brought her by and there was no squabbling because it wasn't just her and me.
So on Mother's Day I stopped by, dreading it, because if I'm alone with her she invariably starts the trash talk. I actually found an old Xanax and split it in half and took before going there, which probably helped tremendously. But it went well.
My husband stopped in briefly after work, and we had a bit of soup she'd made, then he left and I lingered a bit. Her neighbor came by a bit, too.
The neighbor kept saying, "your mom is a sweet lady, so smart. I wish my mom had been more like her, because all my mom did was talk badly about people and complain about the past." I didn't say anything but inside I was laughing, because that describes my mom to a T.
But she likes her neighbors and hopefully they'll stay friends -- she never seems to keep friendships longer than a year these days. When I left she actually hugged me and apologized for the last squabble. That was ... surprising. I figure, oh well, leave on good terms. I'll be civil as best I can but I don't want to hear the "I'll kill myself if you don't get me cigarettes by noon" or any of that, or the accusations or trash talk. We've gone through it all before. Oddly, I didn't really feel close to my mom, though. It's been bad for more than a decade, but since we had a couple good days, I'll take them for what they are.
My aunt came to get my mom yesterday to sign the papers to settle out my grandmother's estate.--if we remember, she didn't want me anywhere near this since she don't trust me. It is my understanding my mom acted like herself at the bank. She speaks to my aunt and my uncle but says her thoughts out loud--and I mean she talks out loud. The bank is downtown and in a weird place--not much parking, etc. So after they go in my mom starts complaining to my aunt but out loud--"I thought it was the law they had to have handicapped parking?" "It is a shame you have to walk to get to the front door" "I have never seen a place that doesn't have a handicapped ramp" blah blah blah. She became angry because they asked my aunt to sign papers since she was named executor since my mom was ill and my uncle didn't have time to help out. My mom also complained about her signing the papers. "Well, I didn't need to come, this was a waste of time" on and on. Then she complained at my aunt and accused her once again for being the favorite and cheating her out of money and my grandmother's things. It is really sad that she truly believes this. I wish I could say it is her mind, but this is the true her. She is so much herself and it is really hard to be around. It just all brings back memories of how it always was and how it will always be.
Life was difficult when she was more ill, but seeing her 70% back to herself is much more difficult. At least before I could blame it on her illness. Now, it is just her.--the same mother I have had for 47 years.
Sandwich--That is hilarious!!! The page may end with "It's all about me"
or "It's your duty, no thank you needed".
Lonely and miserable a very sad situation. I cannot imagine how sad they are. I just will not be dragged down with her anymore. My husband reminded me on Mother's Day that I have done everything I can and that I should know that if something did happen to my mom that I can rest at night knowing that I would have no regrets. this is so true. My only regret is that I didn't stand up for myself years ago.
I've been having my mother's mail forwarded for going on two years now, so how she's getting information to mail donations is a mystery. I do UPS her her magazines, and always remove the cards inside so she doesn't re subscribe, but maybe she sees ads for charities and does it that way? The charities that advertise are reputable, and the dollar amounts aren't too worrisome, but it's apparent that she is doing this willy nilly.
And I would LOVE to be able to remove her checks, but she gets obsessive about them. She's gone through brief periods of check-writing, and then stops. So I am hoping she stops again. If I say anything or she notices they're gone, then there's a good chance she'll have her caregiver take her to the bank, and that is the last thing I want.
VStefans, yes, they are very unhappy people, and I do feel sorry for them for that.
If I wrote a book about "Narcissist Thank You Notes in History", it would be a book with one blank page in it.
I've had that stomach ache you describe. You should maybe take the checkbook, postage stamps, and debit card with you when you leave so they aren't so handy for mom anymore.
Can you have her mail forwarded to your house instead? That was the first thing I did with my mom when things were going south. She couldn't remember if she had mail or not.
The "phases" depend on the specific type of dementia(s) the person has. It's really just guesstimation based on certain behavioral and cognitive abilities gathered in studies over time. Like being able to draw ten minutes to 11:00 on a clock face.Or being able to tell if one shape is bigger or smaller than the others next to it. Being able to explain dosing directions, balance a check book, and independently prepare oatmeal on the stove. There are other tests, but these are common tasks. Google "dementia cognitive evaluation" and you'll get lots of samples.
I don't have kids, and this was the first Mother's Day that I didn't do anything except send her flowers, which were scheduled to be delivered this past Thursday. I will assume they were delivered and were lovely, since per my mother's usual behavior, she did not acknowledge them. Last year, I called the florist to confirm they were delivered ok, but this year, I just don't care.
My mother is still able to call when she needs/wants something. She called on Wednesday last week, so I know this for sure. She wanted to give me the knews that her sister died several days previously. I said, "Yes, __ called me and let me know. I'm sorry. How are you doing?" She sounded ok, but annoyed that I was already told. She said, "Well....she had a long life." She seems to have a harder time with open ended questions, I'm noticing. I said, "That's true." Again, I sense irritation coming over the phone. I think it's that continuous simmering anger and dislike she has for me, that I always felt, all my life, but could never put my finger on it (or just admit it). Now it's so darn obvious. Sigh.... Well, I can't say it's not mutual.
Anyway, she is perfectly able to call when she wants attention, sympathy, a favor, whatever. But to say thank you for a gift? Nope!
I'm preparing to drive down to her place next week, and will check things out while her caregiver is taking her to her annual checkup. I'll be drafting an update letter for the doctor this week, and when I'm down there, I have a list of things to do while she's out of the house. I need to check all her clothes and see what needs replacing. I have to get her sizes, and will measure the length of her pants w/a tape measure, in case anything I order needs altering. I have to check socks, underwear, everything -- ugh. The idea of doing this gives me a stomach ache.
She's also started to write checks again, to various charities, for various amounts. So I have to go through her papers and see what is getting through, and get rid of whatever it is.
And I will get a large trash bag and empty out her freezer a bit. It must be about to explode.
I think that's about it. I'll only have an hour, and being in the house panics me so much that I'll be racing around like a lunatic getting everything done, leaving no trace, and getting outa there.
Her confusion and forgetfulness seem to be getting worse, but nothing else as far as daily living skills. I have no idea what "stage" she could possibly be in - how are they able to determine that anyway, when every person seems so different?
I think sometimes you just want to vomit (not literally, obviously) all these thoughts and feeling out.
At that time I didn't know anyone else going through what I was. All my friends had younger mothers (mine had me at 35 and has a lot of bad habits -- drinking heavily for years, chain smoking, probable mental illness) so everyone else had this normal mom who they'd shop with or go have brunch with or who they could talk to and I realized I never had much of that. Sure my mom did things with me, taking me camping when I was a kid, etc, but I also had to play mom to her when she drank too much. Hell, I had to get the money she stashed under a mattress at age 16, so I could bail her out when she got a DUI, and all I could think of was, why am I doing this, especially since I was still in high school. Therapy is a great place to let all that out, why don't we have a more "normal" relationship, etc.
I was thinking with Mother's Day coming up, I'm not sure what to do. It's a bit more of a tense day for me. My birthday is always around Mother's Day, and to be honest I have some issues. I don't care if I have a party or whatever. I'm fine to go see a movie or enjoy some pizza with my hubby, but for so many years my mom has tried to take over Mother's Day and/or my birthday. One year she treated me to dinner and got falling-down drunk and I had to keep an eye on her -- I kept thinking it's my birthday and what do I want: For my mom not to order yet another beer. In some ways many years ago she tried to make it a nice day and I appreciated that, but in other ways she clearly made it all about her, buying gifts for me that she'd wanted herself, or buying the flavor of cake she liked and so on. Then I'd be trying to figure out the right thing to get her, considering her tastes -- she'd love a white purse because it screams summer to her, etc.
Now I'm lucky enough to have a husband who listens to me, and man, what a luxury that is, to mention a book by an author I love and to get it for my birthday. Just being listened to, to be heard!
I also vividly remember being very protective of my parents when discussing them. I think the first things I mentioned were how I "knew they loved me", "they did the best they could" and so on. It wasn't until maybe a year later, that it spilled out, totally surprising me. I said something about how my parents' relationship was "actually pretty twisted" or words to that effect. And from that moment on, well, I started to face things in a way I hadn't up to that point. It did feel weird and somewhat disloyal, but by the time those words came out of my mouth, I was ready to say them.
You dont have to remain a POA you know - have a look at the POA it should (if it has been done properly) give you the details of how to resign as POA and just to empower you further - there's not a damned thing your Mum can do about it except leave all her assets to a dogs home to spite you! If you accept that then resign hun and be freed from the ties that bind
I went to see the counselor today. I know I rambled on and on. Then I couldn't keep the conversation to one topic...too much to tell. She asked me about mother's day coming up and what my plans were. I told her I thought about sending a card and that was it. At first she suggested some other things, then into the conversation, she realized what we were dealing with and changed her mind--a card is sufficient. I would not send anything if it were truly up to me, I just feel guilty more if I don't. Eventually, I hope to get passed this and have some peace. In case you are wondering, yes, I made a second appointment. I cannot tell you, though, how hard it was. I felt like once again, I was going against my mom.--hopefully this will pass too. One other thing I learned from therapy today--I have an angel for a husband. I never thought of it quiet like this, but I really do. He may do other things that annoy me, but he is a saint to put up with my mom and my desire to please her so much. One good thing so far that is coming out of this mess!
Babalou--I am ready for NO POWER!! Even though she has all the power, I am ready to relinquish so much with her. Not just her bank account, but all the emotions and anxiety that goes with the abuse she has dished out for years.
Have a great evening, I plan on it too!!
I found out why she called my daughter. She called her about giving her bday money. Now she is mad because my daughter didn't come by to get her money.--First off, how was she supposed to know she had money for her when she didn't leave a message and second, my mom hasn't given her bday money in 4 years--she has had me write a check out of her account and give it to her. Last year she didn't mention it and this year I didn't do it under the circumstances. The wind just keeps blowing harder. A storm is brewing. She is constantly finding ways to keep the pot stirred.
When will it all end?!? Questioning out loud not necessarily asking the question. I know we don't have the answers, but I am ready for a break.
I hope you enjoy your OWN Mother's Day this year, Jewel! When you mentioned the day coming up, I had to think for a moment to remember that this will be my 1st year not visiting my mother. Last year was the first year I didn't drive down on Saturday, stay overnight, take her to an extravagant brunch on Sunday, drive back home, and so on. Last year, she happened to have a doctor's appointment the Monday before Mother's Day, so I took the day off of work ,drove down at sunrise, took her to the appointment and then to a NON expensive lunch, and that was it. I did order flowers for her though, to be delivered that Saturday before Mother's Day, since she probably wouldn't remember or consider what I did do to be "enough."
This year, I will not call. But I'll order flowers and a card. God, I hate shopping for cards for her....
jeweltone, you are right. The only way to stop giving her permission is to stop contact. Sometimes that is the only and best thing you can do.
Good luck with moving forward!
when it comes to my mom, nothing I say or do changes her behavior. The more I set boundaries, the more I say no, the more she behaves this way to me. So for that, I am not going to keep just doing what she says all the time--even when I do, she still behaves badly toward me. She is always mad or pouting about something. This has been her all my life though. It is just worse now. I feel like I keep explaining my self just like I always had to do to her. Always explaining the "why" of everything. Why did you do this, why did you do that, why do you look at me like that --(like what?!?) why, why, why?!!!! I also feel like I am always making excuses for her behavior. As far as giving permission to treat me this way, exactly!! I have been giving that permission for many years and it has to stop. The only way to stop it with her, is to stop contact. This is not easy for sure, but I am moving forward.
As a young child, a teenager, and a young adult I was usually very positive and saw the good in everyone. As I became older and dealt more and more with my mom and trying to still be what she expected including my kids in that at the same time, I started becoming more like her. A bit cynical in everything. I am slowly trying to get back to myself--the glass is half full kind of gal.
Speaking of therapy, I made my appointment!!! It has been a long time coming, but timing is everything. I guess it couldn't come at a better time. If some of you are wondering, no, I still haven't contacted my mom. It is not any easier, but I am taking it a day at a time. The sense of relief I have from not hearing the negativity is great, that feeling of "I am doing something wrong" nags at me day after day. I have so many thoughts running through my head that I will not even know where to start with the counselor. Hopefully they will be able to guide me.
Attention seeking is the name of the game with my mom. She gets angry if she isn't the center of attention. This is not a new behavior for her though. It has always been that way. If she wasn't the one telling a story and everyone else listening, then she would find her way out of the room and not listen to anyone else's stories. Only hers were interesting. She would interrupt and start her own story. You can even watch her eyes start to wonder around the room as she looses interest and tunes you out as you talk. I am convinced that is why she always got the "story"wrong, because she never listened to it. Me, Me Me. That is my mom. Even at the AL she seeks attention from the staff. If she doesn't get it, she gets angry with them. She will even ask them where they have been, what took them so long, and why were they in so and so's room so long...and well, what about her, doesn't she pay the same as everyone else, shouldn't she get the same attention. Actually, she probably gets more attention because she is definitely the squeaky wheel. This could be a blog in it's self. Ha!
I have tried to not write for the past few days thinking that may help me to get my mind off my mom, but actually writing about it helps me more. Reading comments helps remind me and keep things in perspective.
Yes, Emjo, life would be better without these problems...
Wouldn't life be easier without these problems?