Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
And for a moment I thought it was a good conversation. I guess it was in the sense that she didn't get a chance to start accusing my husband of stealing her cat figurines!
How is that possible? Everything changes to some extent, right? How can you NOT? I'm getting all riled up thinking about this again. But that's a sign of a personality disorder, maybe a character disorder. Circumstances change, everything shifts and adjusts -- but not these people.
I was cleaning today and I found a note my mother had written about losing my father and then my aunt. She wrote about how she doesn't like to be yelled at, I'm sure referring to me. I did yell at her once. She considers anytime I tell her no, I won't do something that I'm yelling at her, even if I don't raise my voice.
Last night there was a feel-bad episode. My mother has been taking over my shower time for the past few days and staying in the bathroom a long time. I asked her why her time had shifted and that it threw my schedule off for the rest of the night. She got very mad and told me that I would just wait until she got finished and that I should be glad that I even had a place to stay. I told her that what she said was disrespectful. She said I was the disrespectful one, then told me to just go back to my room. There was no point in going further with the talk, since any defense just gets turned back on me. I wish I could say it is just the dementia or old age, but it is really the same old mother I grew up with.
The fact that my mother called me to ask if I had done her taxes, I know was supposed to be her way of demonstrating to me that she is "with it" enough to be aware of them, and therefore, to handle them. But she's not, and so I have been handling them for the last 2 years. The last year she did them, I know it was a struggle for her, and the year after that (first year I took over), the accountant and I discovered a few missing pieces of info from previous years. Glad we got it taken care of then, instead of who knows when.
My mother still knows enough to be superficially polite to me when we communicate. She will ask somewhat nicely, and she'll say "thank you", but she will imply that I'm interfering, overstepping, basically disrespecting her. And, if I let the conversation go on too long, she'll usually make some sort of dig or start one of her round-and-round, go-nowhere arguments.
You know, my mom was the one who mentioned doing taxes to me. She said she hadn't done them (this was probably two weeks ago) yet, so she knows that they're due, and she's the type who will have them done because she thinks she's owed a huge refund (as always).
As for the POA, it is worthless. We did it years ago, and I brought them to the doctor, and it gives me no authority. I've called before about stuff and mentioned the POA, and they've said, we still need your mom's permission to discuss this with you. I actually jammed it into a box and have ignored it because it seems little more than paper.
And my mom still doesn't really want help. It all boils down to her wanting someone to praise her or go fetch cigarettes and xanax for her, all peppered with generous amount of insults directed my way!
Life is short heart2heart, and we all need to take a stand for our own well being. They have had their stand and lived their life mostly like they wanted to--miserable. I want to live my life--happy and peaceful and full!! I do not want to look back in 10 years and thing "where did it all go"...well, I will tell myself, it went to your miserable, uncaring, self absorb, narcissistic mother.--now, that will be my fault because I allowed it to happen.
If only I could take my own advice. LOL
Matthew 23:27; Luke 13:32; John 2:15
Doesn't read like Jesus all meek and mild to me?
End result -- I didn't cut the grass. If I had done it once, I would have had to keep doing it. Fortunately, the yardman called and let us know he would be by later in the week, so the war going on at home ended.
Now, don't ask me why an 88-yo woman feels like she has the right to bully her 63-yo daughter like she's a willful teenager. To tell the truth, if someone was doing for me what I do for her I would be very humble with gratitude.
Could that affect me, though, if she has trouble? I'm not in charge of her. I have a very weak power of attorney that does not good -- she still has to give permission to the doctor to talk to me, etc., and my mom even wanted that revoked.
I have to agree with JessieBelle. I go through those same feelings. I sometimes feel like dirt, and wonder why anyone should like or love me. I realized that some of it at least stems from my mom. If she didn't like my mood -- if I was quiet, for example -- and she wanted someone to make her laugh or laugh at her comments -- she'd start in on me for being nasty or bitter or mean. I think that took its toll in a lot of ways, making me second-guess myself.
PS... Didn't mention that while I'm in the same boat you are... My brother's don't 'engage' in the care of my mother at all... Nor, do they care about their (only) sister... Seemingly, they don't have this 'infliction' of the heart that some of us siblings carry.
But then a little later I am again wondering if it is me who is the problem. Am I being too difficult and mule-headed?...
A couple times she, when she was new to her apartment and back in Michigan, she wanted to go to a cookout some club had. She had this vision she'd be famous the moment she'd walked into the place. While there she drank a ton of beer and ate some dinner. Seemed like she had a good time. Now, this was about four or five years ago.
Want to guess what I've heard ever since? "That place was too expensive." (The whole meal was included and it wasn't that bad, plus there was live music and it was in a pretty park.) "They didn't have much food." (They roasted a whole pig, and she was too busy drinking beer after beer to get food until about 10 minutes before the dinner ended.) "The people were stuckup." (Um, mom, you sat there guzzling beer after beer, and just looking at guys and thinking they want to leave their wives for you isn't a good social situation!) She still gripes about how awful it was. And actually I thought it was a nice event. Nice drive in the countryside. The setting was pretty. The food was good. It was nice to hear music and enjoy a beer outside under the stars. But nope, it sucked!
On a side note, she called a couple weeks ago and said she hadn't done her taxes yet, because she was waiting on some detail - she thinks she's going to sue the hospital and get a big payout and this somehow was distracting her from doing taxes.
My husband thinks we should check on her and make sure she gets them done on time. In a way I agree, but then again ... I kind of think, if she hasn't had them done yet it's a good red flag. Because she needs help and not in the way she thinks she does. Her doctor won't cooperate. (But I do think she probably had them done ... she knows when they're due just like she knows when the electric bill should arrive in the mail.)
I guess my take is mean or tough love, and my husband is more concerned. I think it's a case of it needing to hit rock bottom.
I am very glad she is doing some things, but I did tell them to warn me when she goes out, I do not want to run in to her...geez! I would have never in my wildest dreams have ever thought I would have to worry about running in to her out since all she ever wants to do is stay in the bed--maybe she wants me to think she is so miserable so I will get her out of there, but now her choice is to jump in whether she likes it or not.
Also, she has been telling them at AL that she cannot understand why I won't move her in with me.--REALLY!?! are you kidding me?!? Bring her to my house and her treat me this way. No way!! She is worried about her money so she thinks if she moves in with me free of charge, then she can save her money up. She is obsessed over her money. Well, she can have it. There is not enough money in the world that would allow me to bring her here. ((cringe))
Also, they have stopped playing her pity games now too. The director had to tell her she cannot talk mean and hateful to her staff.--that they are there to help her and it is not okay to act that way to them.. YAY!! others are starting to take away her control. She quoted the bible today to the staff saying that the bible says that children are not to forsake their parents. Please someone show me where it says that?!? The director told her that I didn't forsake her or she wouldn't be here today that she would be dead. That I (her daughter) did everything to save her life and make it comfortable for her.--of course she didn't like that. They are just taking up for me in her eyes. I am still amazed at how someone who has pretended to be so sick is yet so capable.--she has really played on me. shm!!
Okay, just needed to tell someone my story. Thanks for reading.
I read something the other night that made good sense too. It stated that a narcissistic person does get angrier and more unpleasant as they get older due to the fact they are losing their self image. They are loosing their looks and their cognitive ability to keep up the image and that makes them frustrated. Loosing control to them is NOT an option and therefore fires up the anger. As I have said before my mom is few months short of 70, and I cannot imagine it getting worse. How scary. These people also have a higher risk of becoming more demented as time goes on and even leads to Alzheimer's. That couldn't come soon enough--for her to forget everything. When she forgets everything, then I will go back around. Ha!
Jeweltone, I haven't seen my mom since Feb. 1, when she had a massive freakout, screaming at us, etc. I've talked a couple times, but kept it very short. She clearly still wants to fight, and I've just had enough.
I forget who said it exactly, and it's been around a while, but there's that quote about how you're responsible for your own happiness, and if you expect others to make you happy you'll be disappointed. I see my mom in that way: It's not my job to be a monkey doing her bidding and trying to please her. She has to make some effort for herself. She may not be able to get around much, but she could realize she's lucky to have people who will drive her around or be happy she has a good, reliable pension, that she could afford a hearing aid or a cab or to travel, and she chooses to be bitter and alone instead. She may have had a tough childhood, and it's sad, but that was 70 years ago. Yes, crap happened, and it was awful but instead of looking at the positive she chooses to be miserable.
Deb.. my mom did those exact things before she went to AL. I would offer food and she would say, I can't eat, how do you eat that? She would always make me take food back home and would freak out if I tried to cook something at her house. She got to where she would only eat ice cream cups and jello. She would get all worked up if I stepped out on the patio to take a break--she would come to the door and tell me to get back inside that I made her nervous being out there.--This is when hospice starting coming in because she lost so much weight and had quit eating. We thought she was getting worse and was not going to make it. After different medications, 24 hour care (even though I came over every day and night), but she needed someone there all the time. After that she started doing better, then went to AL. She still says she can't and don't eat, but believe me, she has gained all her weight back and will be around a very long time. She complains about the food at AL, but the staff tells me that she will ask for certain things they have.
I cannot believe it has been 36 days since I haven't talked to or seen my mom. I can only imagine how mad she is and what she has been conjuring up. I will tell you there is a storm brewing, it just hasn't come through yet. It does make me very anxious, but I am trying to stay strong. I finally went to the doctor for my eczema and he put me on some medication (prednisone) to help clear it up. I am feeling so much better and not scratching like my dog. Ha! Now, to clear up the inside like the outside.
Just remember it takes two to put on a show. I was over 40 when I finally figured out to stop attending my mother's shows. I would walk out, hang up, drive off, whatever it took to remove myself from the theatrics. Which made her all the more angry, but she had to deal with her anger on her own.
There's also Chronic Embitterment that goes along with this kind of personality disorder.
Last time my mom said she'd kill herself, I responded with "I'll throw you a nice funeral."
Once she threatened to run around the senior apartment building naked and pee on the floor. I just said "you wouldn't be the first".
I think my mom is miserable but I think she's the type who thrives on it. Like they're happy to be mad about something, you know? It'd never be satisfying to make scrapbooks or read biographies or visit the senior center because that could distract from being angry. If everyone is screwing her over then she can be the victim and I think that's what she wants, ultimately.
It's always been her old go-to line, "I've always had to fend for myself. I've always had to do everything alone." Far from it, but that's her deal. She tells people this and she long used those lines on me and then I was like, "I just ran to three pharmacies to pick up your medications at the right price for you, then went to the bank to get quarters for the laundry for you, went to the tobacco store you like to get your cigarettes for you ..." and she acts like it's an easy thing for me to drive to five different spots for her. Hey, even if everything is nearby it still takes time to do that.
I think it's her tactic, to use that line to get people to jump for her when she wants them to.
And as for crying -- someone above said mom wants them to cry over her, my mom has twisted that. It used to be she'd say my dad accused her of crying for attention, of faking it, and she hated it. A few times she's driven me to tears, and two or three times it was in front of my husband. Guess what she did? Said I "put on a show" to try and get pity from him -- never mind that most of the time when he sees me he sees me as a happy person. I found it mildly amusing that the person who considers herself a master manipulator goes and accuses others of the same thing. No emotion is honest with her; it's just a way to get things to go her way.
If I get mad that she threatens suicide if she doesn't get her cigarettes in the next hour, and she thinks I'm unreasonable, and yet if I cry out of sheer frustration I'm a manipulative a**! Pot calling the kettle black?