Is it normal she's so negative?

**In the meantime, I called the attorney for the POA and he said I did not have to sign behind my mom and that these people "tricked" me. He understood why they were doing it, to cover their own self, but that I didn't have to sign. Hallelujah! I wish I had called him in the first place and didn't sign at all. He stated that if my mom was able to act in her own behalf, then she can do that. If she couldn't sign then I could do it. I want out of all of it!! The webs we weave.

Also, I have found out my mom is now calling the bank after all these years and wanting information. Will she remember giving me permission to write myself a check--or would she even admit she gave me permission. As you remember way back when I first started this conversation, I told how I was paying care givers and my mom would not be happy with that, but I had to because the hospice and her doctor told me that if I didn't do these things they would put her in a nursing home or somewhere and she would have to pay for that. So, instead of giving them the control--wish I had of... I decided to get full time caregivers when it was time for me to go back to work. My mom told me she hoped she wasn't paying for that. we told her the insurance would pay for most of it. The doctor told me that the truth didn't matter at this point. Well, backfire has hit the fan. Now that she is better than a year ago, none of that will matter to her. If she gets statements and finds out how much she paid for care giving, she will once again validate her feelings that I have cheated her in some way. Why do these things happen? I try to do what is right and it comes back on me as though I am a thief and a cheat. My mom does/has done things in her own life and no one ever knew or found out. She is always setting me up for failure, always looking for something to prove me a no good person. How sad to think that your own mother is out to find something wrong. I am not guilty, but she sure makes me feel like I have done it all wrong. I am sorry to keep on today, but I am so anxious over things. Worried that she will know that we lied to her about things that would help her. she will only see it as once again, going against her. Yes, I am still afraid of my mom. She has such a strong personality. Being an only child also plays a big role knowing I don't have a sibling to fall back on with her. I pray for strength and courage. Also, at least the doctors know the situation. That is one thing on my side too. I wish I didn't worry so much.

It isn't a lose if you are getting things done that that need to be done as loo says. Consider her as a child who does not know what is good for her. Just manage what you have to manage. You are a competent adult, she is not. Don't feel bad - sign what you have to and work on unloading that huge burden of unnecessary guilt that is eating you up. Yes, your mother installed the guilt buttons, but as we mature we need to take charge of these things and un- install them. It takes work but is very worth it The stress is affecting your health and you have to take charge of that.

cher - sounds like you need to go no contact with your husband that ill. I am so sorry. ((((((hugs)))))

[in reading everyone's recent posts]
It's so time-consuming/time-exhausting isn't it? This is why we have to watch out for our health... It all starts to take a toll on you. I think mental exhaustion is the worst... I've sure found this out... I've taken a step back now... This is a good thing to do... Whatever you can do for yourself... no matter small... force yourself to do it... I'm thinking of you Jewel... take care of yourself... and, everyone here...

Hi Jewel, I was about to say that it probably isn't necessary for you to sign in addition to your mother, but it might depend on what exactly was signed. My mother still writes checks for things now and then (NOT my preference, but that's how it is now), but if she were to sign any kind of contract, tax or financial related thing, I would intervene as her POA and ensure that only MY signature was valid, and not hers.
When you do meet with a therapist, maybe discussing that lose-lose situation you're in would be helpful. It's hard to get rid of the guilt, feeling so "disloyal" and "disobedient", when you're doing exactly what you need to be doing for her own welfare. My therapist helped me overcome a lot of that.

Thanks emjo..I always feel I am doing something wrong, something behind her back, and it just validates how she feels about what is going on. I read somewhere that pessimistic people usually have bad things happen to them and it usually happens the way they planned it. She thinks I am sneaking behind her back doing things--and somethings I have to because she wouldn't let me do it if I approached her about it. Lose-lose situation. I have this debilitating guilt.--cannot even put my finger on what or why. I have a question about POA..I may need to call the attorney, but maybe someone can enlighten me. If my mom is capable of signing papers on her own and her signature is witnessed by the person she is signing for, do I need to sign also as POA? I wouldn't think so because I am not guardian, just POA. some things have come up since my mom asked me to stay away that needed to be signed. She signed them with a witness and now the people involved are saying I have to sign also because I am POA. They have forced me to sign and I am feeling really bad about it. She would be so mad if she knew I signed also. This is getting to be to much for me.

I agree with emjo23 that no contact is the best option. My parents have taken all that I have emotionally. Now with my husband who has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on May 6, 2014 and his being let go from his job Nov.26th 2014 because of his disability which cut his salary in half. I find that I can not take my parents irrational outburst any longer that get none of us anywhere. My parents' body have out lived their brains so I just about had it.
No contact or little is a good option.

sorry - as long as you need to than getting sucked into the endless destructive games. I still maintain the option of going no contact if I need to.

jewel and others - it is healthy to disobey a manipulative, mentally ill, and/or demented person. They are trying to run things without a full deck. They never had a full deck. I have found that mother is no more or less happy if she is on my case or someone else's case. So why offer myself to her as a victim? It only hurts me. Are her words cutting at times. Yes they are, but better a few words from which you can walk away and stay away as long as ythan getting sucked inti the edess games/

**not to talk***

Linda22, I try to talk about my mom much to my husband. Even though he is very supportive, he is one of these men who go with what ever conversation is going on. Ha! Not meaning to, but he will agree with her if she catches him just right, then agree with me later. Whew! He takes my side more than not, but he is easily manipulated too.--so that makes us in trouble around her. I usually keep it to myself at home, except to my daughter. He has told me many times it is time to walk away and let it go. I am trying to be very supportive over this business deal. It is so draining wondering how we will make it on top of how will I make it with my mom's situation.--not really a question, just a thought out loud. With my mom, I feel like I am disobeying her and with what's going on in my own home feels like we are failing in some way. I am sinking. Heidi, I had no idea you were so close to my age. The "sandwich" generation.--do you have children? I am also juggling work and my family--husband and children. I am one who thinks I need to do it all--wonder woman ( I have been told I look like her-HA!) so why not be her, right? Heidi, EXACTLY!! LEt them pay for a gofer, a therapist, a shopper, a pharmacist, etc. Sounds good. Now if I can just stick to it. Thanks for the support. I need all I can get right now!!

I have to agree with Linda22 about how one crisis can pull you away from worrying or fretting over mom. I have limited contact with my mom and in part I pulled away a lot because I was tired of the drama.
My mom did have a tough childhood, and I think mental illness is at play, too, so I have my sympathy to an extent, but then there's also the problems of dealing with someone who is an emotional vampire. When they have tantrums or get hateful about things that don't go their way, I just don't want to deal with it anymore.
I figure now if she's willing to pay a neighbor $20 to take her shopping she can give him a $10 bill and ask him to get her a pack of cigarettes and keep the change. (That seems to be her big crisis anyways, and she always keeps about $8,000 in checking, so she can afford her smokes.) I just don't feel like throwing everything to the wind to run and fetch for her. If she wants someone to complain to for hours, she can pay a therapist. If she wants someone to do her bidding, she can hire someone and then like any employer she can set the schedule. I'm nearly 42 and I've given up vacation times and weekends and very nearly my sanity to try and make her happy. It's not working, so I quit. I'll still try and help her and I know I'll have days where I get upset, but I just don't see the point anymore of trying to make a miserable person happy when nothing has made them happy in decades.

Jewel, an interesting thing happens when you hit a true crisis in your own life. You have no energy or inclination to get flapped about the little stuff, and now more of it is in that category. It becomes easier to have an emotional separation from your mom because you instinctively know you have to really preserve your emotional and physical health. It becomes easier to end convos when the snarkiness starts because you flat don't want to waste precious emotional energy. One way to help your husband be able to deal with this is to make a huge effort to not discuss your mom, to try to keep calm and positive and very present for him. It'll help him to see you as his partner and not her daughter.

I agree with each of you. When it rains it pours. Today we found out that my husband lost a very important contract with his business that keeps a float through the summer months. The anguish of dealing with my mom and now this is a bit much for a person to take. I feel like heart2heart and Heidi, sometimes I think "what have I done to deserve all this"? I know really it isn't anything I have done, but it is so hard to put it in perspective sometimes. My world is crashing down right in front of me and nothing I can really do about it. I am not losing my faith, but my husband thinks we are being punished for something. I keep telling him that we are not being "punished". We have done nothing wrong. I gave up my life for my mom and now I am just trying to get it back and he has worked hard all his life to support our family and now the rug has been pulled out from him too. One day at a time. Today I have food to eat and can pay a bill or two. Tomorrow will take care of itself, I am told. When think of my mom and her negative, hateful way I get a little disappointed in how things work--she is hateful, self righteous, and doesn't have much faith;, but when it comes to paying her bills and having things she always wanted, she wanted for nothing. She has plenty of money--and I mean plenty, she was so talented, beautiful..it seemed she had it all. Now, I see that even though she had it all, she didn't appreciate it. We try to be kind to others, do the "right" things, make good decisions based on how it might affect someone else, and we struggle. It just doesn't make sense sometimes. This isn't all about money--but it does help to pay the bills, but this is also about stress in our lives. It seems my stresses are much grea than my moms ever were. She never worried about money,she did what she wanted--and so did we (what she wanted), she always had people eating out of her hands. The truth is, I know it's not that way now. my life seems to be getting harder since I took on the care giving role. Even though I am trying to back off, it just keeps getting harder. If this is a test, I WILL pass it. #movingforward. Cha Bang, Cha Bing.. :-)

You know... You have some very good points and insight here Heidi (and from your family... which now that you've said it.. I've had also). They are 'who' they are... 'we' are 'who' we are... There are very, very few people that would 'dedicate/give/love/nurture... like us caregivers... daughters/sons/spouses... The more we love... the more it hurts... That's because we FEEL so deeply... You, I and others here must be easy on ourselves ... Even though I know how you must be feeling and what you're going through... I go through the same things... I love my mother so deeply I would do anything for her and yet I've have horrible memories of shouting at her to 'try' and get her to 'listen' to me or try and get her 'acceptance/respect' as her daughter. I'm in some pain now, as the past Easter weekend we had some awful times that I blame myself for... It's a horrible feeling when you're giving up so much and the tables keep turning over... When it comes to the next day... my mother and I make up (most of the time), but the past always hurts... So, we have to do whatever it takes to keep healthy so we don't get sick. What good would that do?... I wish we were in the same town...(I'm in Denver)... But, let's keep in touch... You're a GREAT daughter/person... What you're going through is 'normal'... We're such a speck of particle on this planet... There has to be meaning in all of this... and, we gave our best... Thinking of you today...

It takes time to get through things, Heart2Heart. I still go wildly between emotions. Some days I'm angry, just unbelievably angry, and other days I feel like I could crawl into bed and never get out from under the covers. Other days, I'm rational and feel normal and sensible about it all. It's probably the stages of grief and it takes a while to get through it. Sometimes I just let myself get angry about this or that and other times I make lists of what's good (sometimes it's just good stuff I've done for my mom: She keeps telling me I'm a jerk, but I've visited her at the hospital, helped her move, lent her money, given her money, carried groceries, tried to include her for holidays, etc.) and that can help. Kind of makes you think, OK, I've tried. That's something. If they can't appreciate it or see it for what it is, too bad!
I've heard the "cause" of everything bad, too. Is it realistic, though? How did you "cause" it? I know my mom always blamed the whole family and my aunt once said "you know, we loved your mother, but we never knew what to make of her." I thought that was telling. We all knew there were problems, we just (back then) didn't know that we could call them that or label them as mental illness necessarily.

I am very fortunate that I have had a great mom. You may find it helpful to listen to the Dr. Laura radio show. Satellite radio Sirius XM 109. There other ways to get her show. She really tells it like it is and she can help you move on with respect to you mom. You don't have to be her doormat. Nothing you can do will change that. Spend your love on someone who cares.

Yes Heidi that's how it feels. I am the 'cause' of everything that goes wrong in my family. I should have stayed completely away (had I known growing up). Now, these are the (bad/nightmare) memories I'll have to 'carry' all my life which isn't deserving. I used to be should a loving, happy person loving life... Every time I try to bounce back, something happens and I feel sick. I so wanted this Easter to be a joyous one... I wish you happiness...

Heart2Heart, I totally get it when you say you feel like the rug's being pulled from under you. I'm in a good spot at the moment, mainly because I'm not talking to my mom much and it's such a relief to hear all that negativity. But there are so many times where I've hoped or thought, oh, it's going well, maybe it'll be better now, and then ... the accusations or whatever come back. It's like a sandcastle getting knocked over by a wave.

I know Jewel. Somehow I feel like I have been abandoned all my life. I guess I should have been a more 'hardened' daughter, but it wasn't my mature... But, I still feel like I will never have a mother like we hear from our friends. How do we go through the rest of our life accepting that?... I feel rejected...

Oh yes the horror that we find a way to help them out that doesn't include us doing it for them. It drives my mom crazy that I may find a different way to help instead of physically doing it myself. She thinks when I do this, I am neglecting her in some way. If I am not there physically then I don't care--her words. If I don't cry with her then I don't care. I am all out of tears. She is seeking sympathy over and over, but cannot find even the least bit of empathy for anyone.

I have had a couple friends in the past week lose their moms. These are both male friends and their moms meant the world to them and their moms were so good to them. They are heartbroken. I feel so sorry for them knowing that they will miss their moms and be lost without them. Then there is my mom sitting at AL being hateful, complaining, negative and hating life as she knows it. (I do understand that life isn't as she would like it, but it never has been in her eyes even when life was good) I know I am not supposed to question, but I do wonder how some can live a short happy life and some have to live a long miserable life. My mom is soon to be 70 and that is so young but I will tell you that she will live like her mom, grandmother and great grandmother--they all lived to 90-101. Her dad died of cancer at 67, but the rest of the family lives a very long time. Which is great, but my mom will live a long, miserable life.--so sad.

I have spent the day preparing for Easter and have enjoyed the day, but then I have those instant thoughts about her and how she will not hear from again this Sunday. I am very proud of myself for taking a stand, but then the little girl in me feels like I am disobeying my mommy.

Every time I think things will get better or start to 'feel' better, I seem to get the rug pulled out from under me. You know... Like you just can't win no matter what. I feel like I'm not supposed to have happiness in the family I was born into. Does anyone else feel this way? Like nothing you do or say (after braking your back... Jumping through hoops... Living for everyone else...) just comes back to bite you. I get so depressed some times... And yes, I've seen 'counsellors' that didn't help at all.... Sometimes, I'm not sure why I'm really born.... Sad, eh? All this because I feel I' ve tried to 'fit' in and be 'accepted' in my family which will never happen... They only care about themselves... I worked so hard to make this a happy Easter and now my heart.is so sad and heavy... I also have to watch my health so I don't get really sick.... Maybe, I'll have a cry tonight...I'm just so damaged.

She has never been a negative person. I think she hid a lot from her children, like trying to hide our dad's developing dementia. I realize she has had depression over the years. She would write letters about how she felt about things and never send them. She is on an antidepressant which I believe helps (when she takes her medications)

For some reason, looloo, your comments make me think of my mom's response to Meals on Wheels.
I set it up for her after her fall because I thought it'd be good for her to get some variety and a regular hot meal, which has to be nice when you tire easily or live alone. It's free in the area, with a suggested donation. I hoped she'd see it as a nice service in the area. She saw the suggested donation part and called it a money grab.
I explained and said she could give what she could afford. She tried to cancel it, saying she couldn't afford it. Again, I had to explain it, and then she started ranting about how the food was "for poor people" and it was insulting or it wasn't always her preferred meat and potatoes (my god! They delivered spaghetti! The horror!), and again, they just were seeking money.
I told her for some people that's their only contact with another person and sometimes it's the only good meal they get each day. She still insisted it was disgusting food for poor people.
My husband and I just shrugged at it. Free, charity, kindness ... it's none of that for her. It's just an inconvenience to her because it's not exactly what she wants. It was just another step in me giving up. I'll help her if I can, but I'm not breaking my back to try and make her happy, since nothing ever will.

The past few days I've seen some beautiful self-written obituaries in my facebook feed and on other sites. People who have passed away from terminal illnesses, and sometimes from old age, had written their own obits, and they were funny, sweet, full of gratitude, and very inspiring. I immediately tend to think that myy mother would NEVER feel that way, never believe for a moment that she was particularly blessed. She would never reflect on her life or herself in any way, except to feel sorry for herself.
One of the things I've been involved in for the past 2 weeks is coordinating and confirming the arrangements for her to go to her synagogue's Passover dinner, which is tonight. I had to call her yesterday for another matter (her caregiver called in sick, couldn't get hold of her on her phone, so I made sure the phone was working by calling her and she answered this time). I mentioned the dinner in order to keep it fresh in her memory, and she commented that she thought it was to be that evening (yesterday evening). I said, "No, it's tomorrow-Friday night." As usual, she dismissed what I said, and instead said something about how she'll know for sure if no one shows up that evening -- that she'll know that "they forgot about me."
She just has this poor, forsaken, victim mentality. She's had it all her life, and now with dementia, it'll never be shaken loose. I didn't bother trying to make her understand, I just let it go completely. I haven't called this morning to try again to remind her either. I'm tired of working harder on her social life than on my own, for nothing.

Looking back, I think my mom was always a negative person. She had a tough childhood, but from stories she's told me in unguarded moments, I think she's dealt with severe depression and mental illness much of her life.
For a number of years, especially after divorcing my dad, I think she drank to self-medicate. Fortunately she doesn't drink anymore, because she would drink to the point of falling over, and instead of it being sad, she always said she was being "eccentric."
Anything unacceptable (dating a married guy, getting too drunk, stealing a waitress' tip, stealing a boyfriend, accusing her boss of sexual harassment to get unemployment after quitting her job, or lying to friends and neighbors or making up a fiance or husband for me before I met my husband, it was "eccentric." If I got upset, I was the bad person with no sense of humor; it never registered to her how weird it was when I visited her with my then-fiance and neighbors thought we were married and he was an airline pilot when we weren't and he wasn't, or we betrayed her somehow to exposing her lie.)
I think she blossomed into a pretty woman at around age 14 or 15 and it got her attention and she's rode on that her entire life. It got her negative attention from the family, and I think she milked it to get attention -- other people noticing her (value, honesty, etc. were worthless, it was all for attention).
It didn't matter if it was true or if it hurt anyone else, so long as she got attention it meant she was something, even though now she's a 77-year-old woman with no contacts to family except for a very damaged relationship with her daughter and no friendships that are more than 2 years old. I think she still acts up purely to get attention, but the problem is most people have figured out there's nothing genuine there or there is no empathy or any real give-and-take. And if she doesn't get what she wants, everyone else is the bad guy in the equation and she's the victim, even if it's something as simple as no one being willing or able to go fetch her her cigarettes at that exact moment.

Was she always a negative person? She may be afraid or depressed. Maybe a very nice psychiatric NP could evaluate her. Maybe she could benefit from an antidepressant.
Anyway, cut yourself some slack from her visits. Many people would be grateful to have the care she is able to receive but does not appreciate

jewel, it's really good that you've reached out to your aunt. My dad's family also had my mom's number and interestingly, I've connected with a cousin in the past few years who's been enormously supportive and loving. Never to late, kiddo. And good job on being a functional adult with the birthdays.

I know somedays it doesn't feel like it, but you've come such a long way.

It's so sad how mentally ill your mom is and always has been. Glad that you're going to be seeing a therapist so that you can get some validation that indeed, this is not "normal". This need to see the world and people as black and white, good and evil, the need to control every situation, the inability on her part to be nice to both you and her sister...it's textbook. Move on. Learn techniques to deal with her while you're inevitably with her, but don't expend any energy in trying to please her; whatever you do will be turned against you.

Ha ha Heidi..I know it's not really funny, but it is so true. My mom dictated my kid's birthdays. My parents are divorced and she refused to come to the parties if my dad or his family was there, so like you, I had two parties the first two years of my daughters life. I had a first birthday party with my dad and his family, then did it all again with my mom and her family--now grant it, I had to invited my inlaws to my "moms" party because my mom needed to know she was as important as they are. If I had invited them to my "dads" party then the party was not real--does that make sense? Shew. Finally, when my daughter was 3 I told my mom we would have a party for everyone at meet at a restaurant that had a playground. She agreed that was fine--surprisingly--but after the party, I heard about it until the next birthday. She complained how uncomfortable she was and she wouldn't do that again. So, I decided no more parties for adults only children. I stopped inviting everyone. My dad and his family were crushed--and I do regret it, and my mom was mad because now she was left out. Then when my son was born and had his 1st birthday, I decided I am having ONE first birthday party and who ever could and wanted to could come. Guess who did not show up? You got it...my mom!!! She pouted at me over the party, but I told her she was invited and she chose not to come. She got mad and said that I knew she couldn't come with my dad there and I decided to invite him anyway--again, my fault. Well, this was my son't birthday not hers! I had him a birthday party until he was 8 then it started just being friends night over. My mom refused to come for 8 years. I don't even think she missed out. She would usually show up on the Sunday after his birthday with a cake and gifts, throwing her own party. I didn't like it, but never showed it to my son because he enjoyed the attention.--but she was really the one craving the attention on her own.--selfish!! She only allowed us to be with her on Christmas day, Thanksgiving Day and I had to pick another day to be with my dad--listen, I was an adult when my parents divorced, but I still gave in to her. I have missed out on so many of my dad's family because of her control. When I was pregnant with my son (my daughter being almost 8) my friends had me a baby shower. Once again my mom said she wouldn't come if my dad's mom and sister were there. (how mean) but once again I took her side and didn't invite them. A couple weeks after the shower my aunt called me and asked if anyone was having me a shower since I didn't have any baby things. I told her that one of my friends surprised me with a shower--I didn't have the heart to tell her. It broke her heart because she wanted to give me one or be involved in giving me one. It broke my heart that she was hurt. I regret all that to this day. Now my grandmother is gone and I miss her like crazy. She loved me no matter what. I have since talked to my aunt (my dad's sister) and explained everything. She told me that she and my grandmother knew that my mom controlled the situation and kept me from them. My heart aches when I think of my grandmother and how I didn't stand up to my mom then. I was and am still afraid of my mom. It is scary how someone has such control even from 2 miles up the road.

My mom always showed up when invited when she thought my dad might have a chance to come, she always said yes first. Now, every time she is invited somewhere the answer is always NO! I am glad, but then she accuses me of never asking her to do anything.

If someone looks at my mom she takes it wrong. Someone is always being rude to her and giving her a "look".--her words. Your mom and my mom have the same ideal life. She would love for me to give up my kids, my husband and my life and move in with her; do what she says and do it how she wants it.--I still don't think it would be right because I did it.