Is it normal she's so negative?

Jeweltone, my mom tries to dictate holidays, too. Now that she doesn't talk to any blood relatives, except for me from time to time, she's tried to direct how my holidays go with my in-laws. She belittles and puts them down frequently, too, behind their backs, even though they've always welcomed her with open arms, given her nice gifts, etc.
They know there's no other family because I took my mom's side in her feuds 20 years ago before I realized my mom was the problem, so I think they invite her for my sake and for her sake, too. And still, she puts everyone down.
One time she thought my father-in-law was falling in love with her and my mother-in-law sensed it and was resentful of my mom because my MIL "refused" to give my mom a piece of cake -- basically I think 8 people were talking over each other at a holiday gathering and my mom took a "no" answer to a question from across the room as an insult even though it wasn't directed at her. She brought up this imagined slight for years!
My mom has tried to take over for holidays that my husband and I have hosted, too, throwing her plans and opinions into everything.
One time she decided to take over Father's Day for my father-in-law (my dad is dead) and tried to get everyone on my husband's side of the family to go to a Chinese buffet restaurant, saying she'd treat everyone (which would be about 15 people). My father-in-law doesn't even like those $6 buffet places and thought it was odd for her to host anyways. Of course she was already complaining about what it would cost her, and then was insulted when they declined and refused to go to the family gathering at my in-laws' house.
Maybe an even stranger example of how my mom tried to steer my life: She told me I should dump my husband (when I was engaged) and "go after" his brother because she thought he made more money. Now his brother is a nice guy, but I love my husband! Then when my brother-in-law married, my mom said his wife was exactly what she pictured, this "used-up slut," which I didn't get at all. She's a sweetheart, always is polished and cheerful, and always fun to be around!
Most of the time now, if we are going to my in-laws my mom always agrees to go and then cancels last minute due always "having the runs" or something similar, or she slept badly due to anxiety and simply can't go. If we host, one of us has to pick her up and it's always on her schedule, never ours.
Finally last Christmas, we invited her to the big gathering and she as usual cancelled an hour before we left (which is a running joke now, not if she'll cancel, but when), so we just ignored her. I used to feel bad, but as my husband pointed out, she's been invited by us and his family, and a neighbor always invited her to her Christmas dinner, and she turned both down. It's not like she didn't have options.
I think my mom's ideal family would be me getting her what she wants when she wants it, and a bobble-head that just nods its agreement while she natters on.

Heidi: My mom has done the same thing to almost everyone in her family too. She only allows her sister to do things for her when she is mad a me. When she is needing me, then her sister is out and vice versa. Now she is calling on her sister that lives 1 1/2 hours away. She does her best to come and I have told her not to make it her responsibility. My mom just knows how to manipulate and has done it for years. I wish so many times we had put a stop to this non sense many years ago. My mom has always dictated holidays, birthdays, get togethers, etc. If something didn't go the way she wanted then the whole day was ruined for everyone. She would either stay and be mad then complain about it later, or she would get so mad that sometimes she would "storm" out and let me know all about it later about how everyone was rude to her. I used to kind of believe her about things until I have been care-giving for her and see how it REALLY is. Her aunt would love to come visit her, she is only a few years older than my mom, but my mom won't have it. she doesn't like her right now.--imagine that. She thinks everyone is against her--once again responding to the negative world around her.

Linda: I agree with you 100%, why would we want to go and spend more time when the time is spent in misery. My mom too lets me know what wonderful children the other residents have.--Hello? Am I invisible here? She told my aunt the other day that she is lucky to have kids that care about her. Ugh! Really? My aunt tried to tell her that she is the lucky one, because her kids only call her when they want something, but my mom seemed not to hear her...HA! She only hears what she wants and believes what she believes. I too cannot fathom the thoughts of being hateful to my kids. Mine still live at home so I know they think my rules are mean, but you know what I mean? (my daughter in college and my son in high school). I cannot imagine putting that much guilt on a child. I struggle through being a Christian and I have read the Bible over and over trying to find that it is okay to walk away from all this. The Bible does say to honor our parents, but it also states n Ephesians 6:4, Paul writes, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”--To “provoke . . . to anger” suggests a repeated, ongoing pattern of treatment that gradually builds up a deep–seated anger and resentment that boils over in outward hostility.
My mom truly believes, like your mom, that it is acceptable and okay to say the things they say and treat us with such disrespect. It is NOT ok!!

When my aunt tried to talk to my mom and tell her that a mother has a responsibility to her daughter as does a daughter to her mother, my mom said--verbatim: "Well, we must have different views on how to raise children and what children should do"... apparently my mom thinks that I am only responsible for her--the narcissistic mother.

I really like the idea of the demo!! I wish I could get her out of my head. If I could stop thinking about it day in and day out, I know I could get on with my life and be a bit happier.

There's nothing about this that's easy. My mom recently acknowledged that she knows she's in a miserable mood the whole time, when the visit is too short in her opinion, and there was no mention of that changing. My response was to ask then why would I want to increase the frequencies of outings if I know she's going to be miserable the whole time. No answer.

But longer visits, like this Easter, will give her so much time to get in all the talking points and lay on about all the marvelous daughters of relatives and other residents. I love the time with the family, precious as the kids are adults and get togethers are less frequent. But my force field will be up all day, waiting for the next salvo.

It truly saddens me that there are so many daughters out there, dealing with moms who go thru life "scorching the earth." I have two daughters and cannot for the life of me fathom ever saying or doing to my girls what my mom has found quite acceptable.

We need to keep reminding ourselves that we are darn good daughters, in many cases doing far more for our moms than they did for their own mothers. That we have a healthy sense of balance, knowing that we need to care for our spouses and kids, not making Mama #1 for our whole lives. We need to remember that nothing we do will make them happy so we need to let that go. We need to remember that we aren't going to have their love/approval so let that go to.

We need to do a demo project and eliminate the apartment that our mothers occupy in our heads.

Your story sounds so similar to mine, Jeweltone. I get the same things: "Oh, you're checking I'm alive." "I could die here and you'd never know." "At least strangers like me, since my family doesn't." (Never mind that she has told every member of her family to basically f--- off over the years.)
I usually feel torn up about it. I wonder, if she falls, who will help her. If she feels sick or dizzy or weak or whatever, I know I would hope someone who loves me is keeping an eye out. But she makes it difficult. I've devoted a lot of time to helping her and I'm still the villain because she wants it all her way, which is utter devotion and a heaping side of guilt. I don't expect a statue put up in my name, but it would be nice just to not be treated like the bad guy. If she wants help and charity she needs to accept that it's a kindness and not bad service!

Thanks looloo. I hope it does. The torture just eats at me day after day. I try very hard to put it behind me. I do not feel any different though than I did when I had to talk to her every week and see her every week. It is just a different kind, I guess. It is a gnawing effect that I get wondering and wishing how things could be different. I am with you on how their demeanor starts to change after the day goes on. When I would first go visit, she was tolerable and after an hour or two it become unbearable. She won't just let me visit for an hour or less, I have to hear how I only come for a short amount of time and why do I bother. If I stay all day then it doesn't end well, if I called more than two times a week, it was an argument or the words cut like a knife. There is no "win" in this situation. She loses by being alone and I lose by a guilty conscience. I will continue to move forward and pray for the courage. Thanks!!

Hi Jewel, I felt the same way when I went no contact with my mother for many months. Now, I only call if necessary--and I dread every time I have to do it!
I would also stress out about how to handle major holidays and birthdays and whatnot. Just give yourself time to figure things out, and know that you're never going to "win." Just do what's best for you. It might backfire, but you may surprised to see how little it matters. I send cards, flowers, and gifts. But no more visits. I am relieved that we seem to be civil toward each other when I do have to see her in person, but I don't risk it by staying any longer than necessary.
When I last saw her about a month ago for her doctor's appt., I could "observe" what was taking place without getting sucked in. I could see her mood start to go downhill as I was driving her home, I could sense her trying to provoke a bit, and was grateful like always, that the day's mission was almost accomplished. It will always be exhausting though, because she's always been an emotionally draining person. But that feeling of torture? It WILL fade, I promise!

Heidi--sounds just like something my mom would say. I am not going to call her unless, like you, something happens. If I have to talk to her it will be the same way. I can hear her now--"I am still alive, I have been here and you never checked on me" "I could be dead and you wouldn't even know it". I do not want to hear those things, so I am not going to call. she tells someone that lets me know, that I haven't called and I probably won't come back--but by no means will she call me and apologize. It is just not in her. If she calls me, it will be because she needs something. I am not angry either, just disheartened that it has to be this way. I wake anxious and sad each day and wish for a "normal" life. One free of fear, anxiety, and sadness. I know we all have those things in our life at one point or another, but everyday of it wears on a soul and a body. I think about how Mother's day is approaching soon and what will I do? Will I mail her a card? I have no idea. If I mail a card, I don't want her to call me and make some remark about it, if I don't mail her a card, she will make a remark about how I don't care. Torture, pure torture.

You know, for once I didn't feel angry at my mom.
I hadn't spoken to her in two months after repeated fights.
I called about a couple mundane details and spoke maybe 10 minutes, updated her on some details, like my father-in-law's heart attack and a promotion I got at work.
In those 10 minutes she told me "It's been nice not to hear people talking nasty to me," (meaning me, of course); about my father-in-law, who's recovering slowly but doing well, "well, no one lives forever"; and about the promotion, she wanted to know how much money I was getting.
My approach was to ignore the dig, say "well, he's slowed down some but doing much better" about my FIL'; and "I'm happy about the promotion." It honestly felt like talking to a stranger, and I swear she didn't really give a crap that I'd called.
I almost think she wanted me to get angry or to shame me into thinking poorly of myself.

vsetafans: you said it well. Thank you! I know all these things, but living it is a different story. She has such a hold on me that I cannot even explain it. The counselor called back and I missed her call. I will not give up getting some answers for myself. You guys do a great job giving me the courage and strength I need to continue forward. I cannot tell you how good it makes me feel that you can read exactly what I am trying to say. Each of you always hit the nail on the head.

I will say a couple years ago, when my mom thought she was dying, she did ask me for forgiveness. I always thought she didn't really know what she was doing, but she does. Now that she didn't "die" she has gone back to herself. In my eyes she has retracted the asking of forgiveness. Have I forgiven her? Sure I have, a very long time ago. I do believe that is what gets me through--knowing I do not hold a grudge against her. I am a forgiving person, and I do realize though that forgiveness means that I have let go of what has happened, but I do not have to be around it anymore. I am very glad I can let go of the past, unfortunately my mom holds on to everything that has ever happened to her and continues to build on that mountain everyday. So sad. When she is gone, I will cry for her sadness, not mine.

Jewel - she is getting way too much mileage out of staying depressed, in terms of not having to take any blame or responsibility onto herself. So, now she has driven you away. And now she may or may not even be capable of any insight at all. It may be too late for her to learn that one can be forgiven and one does not have to be perfect under their own power, therefore one can accept whatever blame and responsibility really IS yours, and just try to do better the next day. In other words, join the human race.

BUT - it is not too late for you! Glad you are getting counseling, because your mom's bad life decisions should not take you down with her. You have sen to it she has decent care, and if the whole world does not realize when there are people whose children or grandchildren seem distant and neglectful, sometimes there is a reason for that that lies within the person who is complaining, well, anyone who has been on here or has been through it themselves certainly knows. And it is hard to believe that she has succeeded in making you feel you have done nothing, and yet hard for you to simply believe in your heart as well as your head that her point of view is simply not valid.

Let Mom live her own life where she is as she chooses now - there may be people at the facility who will keep an eye on her and update you, and they will probably tell you she is happier than she puts on for you at least at times. Make sure you let them know you want updates despite going to no direct communication at Mom's request. It is her story, not yours, after all. Yours is still in the making, and you will make it a better one by far.

I know what you mean. I am facing a very similar situation. Sigh....you guys are awesome. Do you all use an app to communicate?

----as far as antidepressants, she has been on so many and nothing works.

AmyGrace, Thank you. I do respect my mom and her wishes. I have done exactly that--turned myself inside out to make her happy. I realize she will never be happy. She cannot see the good for only seeing the bad. Everything is terrible in her eyes. If I try to make a positive statement it upsets her that I don't take her side. I have even tried to agree with her and it back fires on me. (i.e. she was talking about how the food is no good at AL --which it is rather delish--and I made a comment trying to agree with her and bam, she said, "why do you keep me here then if you know it is bad?" ) I cannot agree to appease her because she always has something to come back with. This has been her personality most of her life, but it has become much worse. In all honesty and respect for her, she truly does see this as my duty to fix it for her. She really thinks I should do more. In her eyes she is responding appropriately to the negative world around her. How sad, and I cannot fix it.

I haven't talked to her in 3 weeks and it feels very weird. I feel like I am doing something wrong. When I think of her laying in her bed thinking of how "bad" I am, it saddens me. I have always been the one to run back to her and try to fix it. I am not going to do that. I am not being stubborn by any means. I am protecting my feelings and trying to find some peace in all this. She also has told someone that I haven't called or come to see her--never mind she told me not to. She leaves that part out.

I have two ways of how I feel. guilt: I am doing wrong by not taking the initiative to make it better--but wait, I have!!--I have tried and tried. Then there is peace: peace that I don't have to hear the complaining, negativity and the put downs--(through innuendos).

I realize we all are going through difficult times. I hope I can be as strong as some of you!

I too warned my mom of her behavior and how it would land her in a different place. Now, it is my fault she is where she is--her words. She doesn't ever take responsibility for her actions. I know you hate seeing your dad like this as I do watching my mom waste away and blame everyone else for her misery. It is very difficult to deal with them in this manner. I do not like being around my mom for she complains and the negativity brings me to a very low place. I try not to take it personal but when they make it a personal attack, it is hard not to be down about it. My mom too will lay in the bed for days and not get up. they encourage her to get out of her room and she refuses, then she likes to blame me for her being so miserable. I took her there, I don't take her anywhere, I don't care--these again are her words. She points the finger all the time. she tells me how so and so has a great daughter and/or son. how they come and visit, bring them things, take them out to eat, blah blah...I too have tried these things and she refuses. It is though she doesn't see me visit her every week and call her two or three times a week. That is all invisible to her. It is never enough. Very frustrating, I will tell you.

UPDATE::: I called a counselor. Waiting for an appointment time. This will be a new experience for me. Thanks for your encouragement.

Jeweltone: You are a good person and you are in emotional pain. Your mother must be my mother's clone because her behavior is exactly what we went through with Mom in AL, everything (but fortunately she was a pretty good and decent mother when we were growing up) We have tolerated 20 years of complaining in her own home, IL, and now complaining in AL. We realized she has never been happy, she doesn't know how to see the good in anything no matter what we do for her. She cares more of how she appears to others but doesn't care how she is with us. Don't let her get to you. Have you checked with her doctor? If this is not her normal personality, she might need antidepressants. We are trying that with Mom because none of us want to be around her either - so don't feel guilty or beat yourself up over your mother's negativity. If that is her normal personality, you can turn yourself inside out for her, and she will still complain but it is worth a try to put her on antidepressants, for your own sanity. So good you can safely vent here because you have to get your feelings out somehow. I admire you, that despite all, you still respect her enough to protect her privacy.

Katie - sad story - and had anyone considered treating Dad for depression? It sounds like you love each other a lot but have a hard time with negative feelings - he's not really hating on you, he's just depressed when he says things like that. It is possible he needed to talk about his grief, first for mom, and now for his own health. His asking about getting his health back was probably a very positive thing, and if he has never had the benefit of a comprehensive geriatric eval to include or even just be with a psychologist, it could be worth while even now.

That said, being angry and then feeling guilty about being angry isn't a good feeling for you. It's normal to be sad and angry about losing your parents or seeing them decline. Totally. There would be something wrong with you if you weren't. Taking pills and observing fall precautions are things older folks - particularly guys - just hate to have to do, and I'd see if I could find it in my heart to forgive him on those. Realize that these things happened not just because of his non-compliance but also his losses in physical function. You don't need to feel guilt for normal feelings - hey - you have lost your mom too, and now you are watching your dad, and wanting to affix blame and be mad as well as sad is also very normal; and yet, it's not all his fault, or anyone's things have not gone so well lately. Can you still get him out to dinner or join him in other activities at the facility? Can you bring him his favorite items to keep at the facility? Talk with the staff about how to encourage him more - if they are good and caring people, they will notice things that he might not say or show to you when you visit.

My dad used to be the most positive person there was. He was always happy and kind; glad to see me, etc. He was kind to everyone and still loves to sing; yet when staff tries to get him up out of bed now..sometimes he's willing, and other times he just wants to be left alone.

Some days he's nice to me. and then other days he just says, "Blah blah blah..don't you ever shut up??"; while I tell him, "Dad..I'm trying to help you, but I'm not going to come and visit you if you're going to be so cranky all the time.." Those are the days he'll say, "Goodbye then..Bye..bye..bye..go home then and don't come back..I don't care.."

Breaks my heart over and over again.

Sometimes I get soo angry and talk to my husband about Dad being where he is now is his own darned fault. Had he just listened to me he wouldn't be where he's at now and probably could still be in his apartment in Independant Living. Wouldn't have taken much but he just wouldn't listen and went ahead and did it HIS way!!

Then I feel guilty for saying those things as I love my dad. He's my best friend and it's been he and I since Mom passed away.

Just makes me angry as he lays there in the nursing home..the one I told him he'd be in if he didn't listen.

He'd say all the time that he didn't want to be in a nursing home; as I'd tell him that if didn't do the simple things to keep him from getting there like take his meds, etc..it was just a few little pills..and if he didn't take them..one day he'd wish it WOULD take just a few little pills to get his health back.

A few weeks back he asked me if I could take him to his doctor so he could get his health back. My reply was that all he had to do was cooperate with the staff that wanted to help him and it would help him get his health back.

Instead he wants to lay in bed all day feeling sorry for himself. I can tell by the look on his face somedays that he's completey aware of what's going on around him and just plain angry about his situation.

I can no longer help that and again, it makes me angry as had he just listened to me..again..he wouldn't be at the place he's at now..not even being able to wipe his own rear end.

I used to say to him when he just layed in his bed wishing he could just die because again..he misses Mom so much, "God isn't finished with you yet..and you need to appreciate that blessing. You have me and we have each other. God has plans for you and you need to put one foot in front of the other.."

I was taking him out to eat three times a week; taking him out to see my Mom; taking him for rides, etc.; all which he appreciated.

But he didn't listen and fell.

I warned him about all of this and sometimes I am soo angry, yet feel guilty for feeling like I do at times, because I love my dad to pieces. He's my best friend.

I never thought there was such a thing as burnout when it comes to those we love..but there is.

And I feel guilty as heck for feeling the way I do at times.

My prayers go with you...I know what you are going through. Fortunately, my mom does not have dementia (maybe a small amt.) but she has always been very difficult and with her 95 years she is just "more" of the same. But I have always been there for her when my other 7 siblings are not. I have one sister that helps out from time to time but it really ALL falls on me and my dear understanding husband. It can really get to you at times, I know. Sometimes I think I may be having a nervous breakdown, but I know that I am not. It just feels so overwhelming at times. I also know about the "giving in" to her demands. I, too, am weak when it comes to her. So trust me when I say that I understand. But you are not alone...we are here to listen. If there were words of wisdom I could impart, I would. But for now, I'm all out. Never fear because I AM A GOOD LISTENER! And we're here for you...God Bless.

My mom is negative too and she has early onset dementia. I can only spend an hour with her before I get extremely stressed. I limit phone calls too. With all the activities in assisted living, she doesn't really call or care if I call her as much because she is so involved with the activities. If you can get away with it, just limit it to save your sanity.

Jewel, I'm afraid it will always be difficult in one way or another. What you're currently going through is a stressful "adjustment," as you hold firm to your decision, which I'll remind you, was to-honor-your-mother's-request to stay away. She's having to adjust to the consequences of her actions too right now. And she's not exactly a champ in the resiliency department, is she?
Don't beat yourself up with regrets about her living as close to you as she does -- either way, it would have its own set of difficulties.
As time goes on, she may become angrier -- but YOU may become much better at making peace with all of this, and her anger won't matter nearly as much.

Update: I thought things would get easier, but it seems that as each day comes and goes, things get a bit tougher. Something always seems to come up that I have to take care of for my mom. Not through her calling me, but just the opposite. She will not call me but these things need to be done and being the POA I am the ONLY one who can take care of it. She wants to revoke the POA now and that is fine. she wants to do things on her own. She is sneaking around calling other people asking for help now. She thinks she is pulling the wool over my eyes. The stressful part--like loo loo--is we still have to hear what is going on and I think that is just as stressful as dealing with them face to face. I want free of all of it. she doesn't want me involved at all now. She has told others she doesn't want me to know anything. She is a mess. When my mom gets mad, she burns bridges. She doesn't look back. This is all fine with me, but I am still the caregiver per say. Oh how I wish I didn't move her so close to me. If she were an hour away would make the difference. I pray for some closure to this. As time goes on, she will become more angry at me and it will be hard to ever make a mends with her--not that I want to, but eventually I will "run" in to her and it will be very awkward. Just needing to vent today. Thanks for listening.

found a good telling of the fable at bradtricola.blogspot/2011/01/bridge-and-rope-fable-about-not-being.html

of course in real life the person is not a stranger...but of course in real life, most of the time, the person won't really die when you let go!!

Well said Babalou...I agree with you 100 percent. My mom thinks because I have POA that I can tell her what to do and I know that is not true. I have tried to explain it to her with no luck. She has lost most of her reasoning skills. Not so much memory, but reasoning is a huge loss for her. Even when we got the POA 3 years ago, the attorney even told me in front of her that I could not put her in a nursing home, I could not make her live with me or any of the above. --not that I had planned on it, but he was helping make her feel better. It is just a tool to be able to help my mom take care of things she can't anymore. I have told my mom the exact same thing. I told her no one is making her stay at AL that she can leave at anytime. I also like how you have reminded me that she, in turn, cannot make me do things for her either. She hates the fact that I have access to her things, that I know anything about her. I offered for her to keep her checkbook and all her paperwork, but she insisted I take care of it. Now she is regretting all of it. I am standing strong. I am not calling her, I am staying away.

Jewel; just remember that none of this is your fault. If mom ends up in the hospital, if she does something stupid with her money, it's not your fault. Given that she has dementia, she may or may not be able to rescind the POA she's given you. What makes her think that you're "in charge"? POA doesn't mean you're in charnge; it gives you permission to carry out your mom's wishes on her behalf, not dictate to her. If mom wants to get out of AL and live on her own, she could do that without your permission, but what she can't do is insist that you help her, visit her, rescue her or open your home to her. Perhaps, like everything else, she's misunderstood what a POA is.

Jewel, you've gotten her to a place that is safe; happy is HER problem, not yours.

The downside of not having POA will be if she enters the hospital, needs doctor care, and does something stupid with her money. She doesn't like I am in control plain and simple. I don't really like being in control anyway, so I guess it would work out.

Heidi, I wish I had the guts to stay away for 6 weeks and not call, I am the weak one. No courage here. Ha! Before my mom became ill, she would go months and not talk to me.--getting mad over something silly, like me doing something with my dad. (they are divorced in case you hadn't read that earlier). Once again, who would give in and call her--ME! I wish years ago, I had stopped calling and giving in. But I am here now, so I am sticking to my guns. If she calls me, I am not sure I will even answer. If she leaves a message and needs something, I will make sure she gets it.

Another thing I haven't shared until now is my mom, when she was well, went 5 years and didn't talk to her mom. Once again, getting mad over things that didn't matter--but to her they were a big deal. She thinks it is everyone else, but I believe I am seeing a pattern here. I have been dealing with this issue for a very long time, but for the past 4 years we now have doctors involved. Looking back, --hindsight is 20/20-- I can look back about 10 years ago and realize she was really changing. She is so much herself, but there are things she just can't do anymore or at least it wouldn't be safe.--Her mind sure can make her seem well and she is so believable which is the scary part.--it is almost dangerous.

I will tell you that today I have had a very peaceful day and I hope it continues. I could get used to this.

Many ((HUGS))

Jewel, good for you for keeping distance when your mother stated that she wanted you to to stay away, and for deciding to work through all of it with a counselor. Your mother, plain and simple, is irrational and self destructive, and you know there's nothing you can do about it. It sounds like she's upping the ante by "threatening" to remove you as POA, but as Babalou mentioned, how would that really be a negative for you? Yes, as a daughter who's tried her entire life to be dutiful and caring, AND to be recognized and appreciated for doing so, it's hurtful and insulting. But it's your mother's pattern.
Write again and let us know how the counseling goes. I bet you'll start to see things so much more clearly, and the stress and heartache will diminish a lot. A LOT!
Hugs!

Jewel, glad you are going to see a counselor. What is the downside of your not having POA?

Jeweltone, that conversation sounds like so many I've had with my mom. I have to applaud you for calling her and trying to speak with her, tell her how you feel, and in a reasonable way. I haven't talked to my mom in 6 weeks (my husband went and got her xanax for her) and I don't have the guts to do so because of the screaming and drama. Maybe I'll get a bit of courage from you!
You're making an effort, and you're trying to be there for her, so you shouldn't feel bad, even though family drama is, well, family drama!

jeweltone

It does sound like it was the right sermon for the right person in the right place today for you. That is wonderful. I'm glad to read that you are going to call a counselor this week and begin working through this.

Keep coming back and updating us. You are making progress!

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. I went to church this morning hoping for more answers. The message was uncanny...lol. It was about David and Goliath--facing our biggest challenges. Wow, could that have been for me? I faced a very big challenge today. After I came home, I sat on my bed for at least 30 minutes with the phone in my hand starring trying to make sense of it all. I dialed the number, canceled the number, dialed the number, canceled the number--you get the point. The longer I sat there the more my heart raced. My anxiousness almost took me down. I took a deep breath and mustard up the courage to dial the number and let the phone ring. Here was the "gist" of our conversation.--

Her: Hello
Me: Hi, are you watching the game?
Her: Yes (at this point I am thinking this could go better than I thought)
Me: Telling her we just got home, blah, blah--trying to make conversation
Her: SILENCE
Me: silence
Me: You there?
Her: Yes, just listening to you.--with a sarcastic type of tone
Me: Ok, do you need anything?
Her: Nope, not a thing.
Me: Ok, I thought I might come up one night this week after work if that is alright with you? (here we go, get ready, brace yourself)--
Her: Well, only if you don't come here and throw one of your little screaming fits.
Me: I didn't throw a screaming fit. I didn't even get mad. I just walked out because you cursed at me and practically called me a liar.
Her: No! I did not! I know what I said.
Me: Repeated verbatim what she said...I even included the curse word
Her: Maybe I said that, but I know what I said.
Me: I also feel every time lately that we have visited or talked on the phone it didn't end well. It hurts my feelings when you say things to make me feel like a crappy daughter.
Her: Why do you come if I hurt your feelings every time. I wouldn't want to be around someone that hurts my feelings all the time.

At this point I am trying to tell her how I feel. She is not taking responsibility at all for her part in all this. I am not saying I am perfect and I haven't said things back, but this has been ongoing from my childhood.

Me: I feel like I have failed you because it is never good enough. All I have ever wanted is for you to love me unconditionally, no matter what. I just want your approval and for you to be proud of me.
Her: Do not put this off on my shoulders, do not blame this one me.

Again, more explaining.

Her: Just don't come back.
Me: Is that really what you want? I guess I have failed at my part (just trying to take responsibility on my part)
Her: I guess we both failed.
Me: That's not how I see it.
Her: Just don't come back.
Me: You are sure that's what you want? --(why do I keep begging at this point, I have no idea)
Her: I said, Stay away from me....
Me: Ok, then, I am here if you need anything, but I respect your request.

I am calling a counselor this week, to try to make sense of it. I know I am going to need a lot of encouragement to stick to this. I am sure she will also call and revoke the POA...and who knows what all she will say. Telling the attorney she doesn't trust me and so on. The backlash of all this could not be good. I am really trying not to worry. I have done nothing wrong, but you know the guilt they can put on you.

Thank you for your support in all this. I know my mom is safe, fed, and well taken care of...that gives me much relief.