Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
I have done so much better just taking each day as it comes. I have visited and left "her" problems with her. It sometimes takes me a few hours to wind down after a visit, but the rest of the week goes fairly smooth now. Like I stated before, my house has stayed in order and I am more pleasant to be around myself. Here goes.... I called her on Friday, Jan. 29, she complained she woke up dizzy and almost fell several times. I told her to rest and I would call on Saturday to check on her. Called Saturday and she was still dizzy. Sunday, being visit day, I called and she was still dizzy. I took her some meclizine I had hoping it would help her. I only stayed 15 min and got to go home...how sweet it was...I got to go home!! At 5:40 p.m. she called me and asked me if I had told the staff NOT to take her dinner order.. first off, why would I do that?, I told her that actually I did just the opposite, I told them to make sure they checked on her more because I gave her the meclizine and with her being dizzy, I didn't want her to fall. She told me they never came in after I left at 2. So this was almost 4 hours. My thought on this is that she went to sleep and didn't know they came in. She cried and asked me to talk to the director because this happens a lot on the weekends.--she really likes the daytime/week staff and I will admit the weekend staff is young (meaning 20's young) and they don't take as much time with the staff. I told her I would call the director. Of course she had HER way of wanting me to handle it. I did feel somewhat sorry for her, I will say. On Monday, I called the director and she stated she was expecting my call because my mom had told the daytime staff about what happened. In the meantime the director checked the cameras that are in my mom's hallway and between 2:20 and 6 p.m. the staff went in 2 times.--So that tells me I was right, she was asleep.--she insisted she did not go to sleep. So I told the director to just make sure they were checking on her and that she knew it. I went to the AL on Monday and checked on my mom and took her more medicine since she didn't feel better. She asked if I had talked to the director and I told her. Well, she wanted to know the whole dang conversation. I cannot recall every single word, but that is what she wants. She said, did she not apologize, yes, mom, she did, what else did she say...went on and on. Nothing I told her pleased her. She said, "You just don't care, You don't say anything to them, You just let them treat me however"....OH, did I get mad. I asked her, "mom, what do you want me to do? I called her and she said she would take care of it?, Do you want me to go get those girls by the hair of their head and bring them up here and shake them and tell them to do better???!! Is that what you want??? She said, well, that's better than how you handle it! You just say, it's ok. You just don't say anything. YOU YOU YOU!!! thats how she has always talked to me. Always pointing fingers at me, it is never enough for her. I am really tired of doing her dirty work. She is just mean to people and I am not. I know how to talk to someone and get what I want. I don't do like her and demand things. She just DEMANDS everything at the expense of others' feelings.
Ok, vent over!!!.... I decided after all that, I didn't really care about how she feels. She is just mean, hateful, and inconsiderate and I don't want to be like that.
Maybe I wish I could be more in control than I am, because I'm sorry to say that this lady who visited my mother yesterday--she really threw me off ALL day long. Did anything bad happen? Not at all, not that I can tell. No calls from the agency or her caregiver, no emails. No negative consequences whatsoever, so that's a relief. I just spent the entire day, and during the night too, remembering my impressions of this person over the years, and her relationship with my mother. I have sympathy for her because she's endured a lot of tragedy in her life, and I admire her for making so much of her life (she's active, involved, even with a heart condition she's very much 'in the world and of the world', to quote a line from the movie "Sabrina"), but she's also demonstrated a real pretentious, snarky streak, directed at me sometimes, for no reason that I can figure out. So I took her lack of communication with me personally. I've been starting to take even low-level inconsideration of others very personally, which is good and bad. Good, because I'm finally developing some self esteem and some standards, lol! And bad, because we never have the full story and why take things personally when we can choose not to--it makes for a lot more peace of mind to cut people some slack whenever possible.
Sorry, this post is really getting long! I appreciate the periods when I'm just cruising along, taking care of business for my mother -- but when even the smallest incidents pop up, I realize what a tense place I'm in. I was in a funk yesterday, second guessing myself all over the place, imagining conversations where I'm trying to convince everyone that I'm doing the right thing, I'm making smart and sound decisions, I'm being very caring and considerate, and everyone agrees, haha. And everyone knows exactly the person my mother is, which I need to realize probably won't happen. And I need to get over that.
I will tell you something funny...my mom wanted to visit a lady that had been in the hospital. She had made it back home to the AL. Her daughter was in visiting with her from another state. My mom did her natural complaining episode--"I don't like it here, the food is awful, I wish I could leave here, etc"...the daughter asked my mom, "if you were at home, what would you be doing", my mom couldn't answer. Then when my mom went on about how she never gets out of her room the daughter said, "Well, that is your choice"...and laughed. Oh mercy, I could have crawled under the table. My mom looked at me, then back at her and said, "I guess you're right" with a smart alec grin. I loved it inside, because I don't really have the nerve to say it to her..Then she asked my mom how many children she had, my mom pointed at me and said she is it. The daughter said, "So, she is the only one that gets all the grief"...oh boy, my mom once again looked at me and laughed a nervous laugh and said, "I don't think I give her grief, do I?" I just smiled and didn't say a word..After we left, my mom, of course had nothing good to say about the daughter. I wish I could say those things to her, but I sit and take her complaining instead of saying--your choice!
I will not let her steal my joy. This week anyway.. Ha!
Njny: I am SO glad you got someone to help out. Keep it up even after you retire--you will NOT regret it. You may even want to use them more....and yes, I agree about the strange lady at the door. The agency should have called. No sense for rude. I too revert back to the childlike behavior around my mom. When she is upset, I get upset. This is aiming to please them once again. Shame on them and shame on us for letting it happen. I read a little something the other day that made me say hmmm-- Do you ever wonder why someone keeps doing the same thing over and over to you? Then we must ask ourselves, why do we keep letting it happen?--that was a huge aha moment for me.
You are on the right track, just don't derail. Hang in there and know you are doing everything right for your mom.--even though she will NEVER agree. She doesn't have to give you permission to be happy.
Looloo: I too have missed the posts...I have been trying to take a small break and not think about things so much. It is helping, but I do miss writing about it. Sometimes, I also think I am being too negative myself and I do not want to drag anyone else down with me nor do I want pity. It feels good to get back on and reconnect with everyone and write my thoughts. People are rude, looloo, they do what they want, when they want. They didn't grow up with mothers like ours to put our lives in perspective for us. Maybe I wish I were a bit more like that, do what I want, when I want with no permission from anyone else. This lady may or may not realize how this situation has turned. She may not realize that your mom is at her worse. She will after the visit--hopefully. Do not worry if your mom says nasty things about you or her think you do nothing. No need to fix any messes or confusion that your mom brings about. This is why we are all so nervous and anxious.--all our lives we have had to clean up what they messed up. Let's stop it now. No one but us knows what a mess they have made because on the outside it all looks good. Hang in there and know you too are doing the right things by your mom!
Let's make a pact to not let them steal our joy, our peace and our happiness!!
I haven't had much going on -- just taking care of business. No crises thank goodness.
I think it was on this thread a little while ago, that I mentioned how one of my mother's longtime friends commented on my facebook about how much she missed my mother, and hoped she was doing well. I don't blame anyone who no longer wishes to be in touch with my mother, but it just grates on me when people sound pretty much full of s--t. If she misses my mother so much, then try picking up the phone and calling. Or visiting (but it's quite a drive, so I don't expect that really). Anyway, I updated her, and then she wrote asking me if she should let me know the next time she's planning on visiting. I said "that would be great".
Well, I got a notice on my phone that she just visited my mother this morning.
I really don't think I'm a control freak at all, but this just chaps my hide.
My mother is several hours away, so this was not a spur of the moment decision. I told this woman (who's known me since I was born, btw) that I was handling everything for my mother now, so I really wish she would have included me in this, like I THOUGHT we had agreed to. My mother's caregiver is scheduled to be there this morning, and if she tells her to leave, it'll piss off the agency (and me). Also, the manager from the agency was coming by this morning to do a 6 month update of their records.
Why not some simple courtesy??? Why are my perfectly reasonable requests totally blown off??? My imagination starts running, conjuring up all sorts of messes that I'll need to clean up. Miscommunications, confusion, apologies back and forth. And I admit, I wish this woman would WANT to speak to me, to get my perspective on how things are. To find out how I'm doing (she knows about my brother and must realize that I'm the one handling everything). We spent every Thanksgiving and Christmas together from the time I was a baby until I got married. It's really easy to get in touch with me. I'm not asking for any favors, just a little common courtesy and maybe some basic interest in what my role in all of this is. I just feel so...not even considered.
Thanks for letting me vent.
You are right about the little girl inside--so right. A lot of times my father didn't know what to do so I felt like I needed to make "mommy" happy. Everything, everything, everything seemed to revolve around her changing moods and depression. But the past is the past and I cognitively grasp much of what happened, but that little girl anxiety is hard to calm. It is frustrating to me that I can not be me--when I am at work or with friends I can be such a free and happy spirit. Well, I have so many blessings in my life, that I am hopeful things will become more clear as time goes on. I truly appreciate your reading my post and responding. It meant a lot!
It is good to see from your profile that she is in independent living. However, if she can afford that, then she can afford to pay for her own cleaning person. How is her depression doing and is she staying on her meds, plus is she seeing anyone about her depression. Depression is often treated the best with a combination of meds and talk therapy.
It might be helpful to remind yourself that your mother is the way she is. You didn't make her that way. You can't control her and you can't fix her. All you can do is treat her with respect, make sure she is safe and cared for while at the same time choosing a healthy path for your own life socially, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially as you prepare for retirement. I hope this helps.
As I approach retirement, I have been worrying how I will balance my responsibilities with my mother and my newly found freedom. I am not sure yet how this will all work out, but for some reason, I have been more comtemplative recently. I am trying to look at my mother and myself with new eyes. For example, if I were just meeting her and if I didn't know her less-than-desirable traits as well as I do, I think I would enjoy her company. She is a character, with lots of humor and wit. Somehow, the two of us can be fabulous or really awful. I am, in a way, trying to start over, BUT that is the very healthy side of me. The unhealthy side of me is still stressed out all the time trying to please her because she is so incredibly picky about almost everything. I have SUCH MIXED EMOTIONS! For example, I hired a caregiver service, after FINALLY convincing my mother to let someone come in to clean by telling her ijt would help me-- just every other week. (I am paying for this.) My mother was resistant and said she would just sit in the other room, but she actually connected with the person and things were going fairly well. She was a little critical about the not-so-excellent cleaning, but liked the young lady who was the caregiver. So yesterday, I was at work and my mother called. She was really upset because a stranger appeared at her door to come and help. I felt so badly for her because it really shook her not to see the person she was used to seeing. I became quite angry with the agency and called them--they should have notified me that there would be a change. (Don't you agree?) Anyway, part of me thought this is scary and unsettling to my mother, but the other part of me thought that my mother over-reacted, as she so often does to so many things. I left work to run to her place (she lives very close) and smooth things out, and then came back right after work, and all went well.
My anxiety shoots through the roof when my mother is upset, but I still do not know exactly why I respond this way. Everyone who sees me in action or knows of my situation thinks I am incredibly patient, generous and helpful to my mother, and I know I am. What most people do not know is that my motives are often just to relieve the anxiety I have when things are not perfect for her. Why am I like this? I want to be calm and peaceful inside. I know that my mother is a difficult woman to be around, because I have watched her be nasty and alienate many people, but I always want to protect her. Why? Oh well, I have to run but thanks for reading my rambling notes this morning! If any of you have a key way to reduce anxiety, that would help me--I am sure I am part of the problem! If I could look the other way and not let her get to the inside of me, things would be so much easier!!
Looloo also I noticed how you said your dad was miserable himself. I do not want to feel that way for the rest of my life. I used to never feel that way, but now, things have changed. I work very hard everyday clearing my mind and how I feel. I am also finding myself looking for excuses not to go to my mom's. She is out of one of her meds (anxiety) so therefore she will need it by tomorrow. It is frigid cold here and they have called off school.--below zero before windchill. Is it bad I am going to call her tomorrow and tell her it is too cold to get out? Ha! I just don't want to go. She gave me a list of things she needs and I haven't had time to go out and shop so I don't want to explain myself tomorrow why I don't have everything. Last night we had no heat in the house and thank goodness for friends with electric blankets. We at least slept warm. We froze this morning getting ready. I took off work to be home to have the heat fixed. Good thing it was a simple fix--very thankful for that. To my mom though, she wonders what in the world I do all day. Why can't I get done what she wants.--ARGH!! Like right now, I should be putting in an assessment of a child I work with, but I need some downtime first.
I better get started on the "important" things in life.--No, mom, not what you need done. Ha ha!
Have a great evening...
**The 3 C's of life--Choice, Chance, Change.
You must make the Choice,
To take the Chance,
If you want anything in life to Change.** -- This really spoke to me and I wanted to share...
I'm imagining you hustling around the house like a private eye, and wishing you had a little bitty spy camera to complete the scenario, with the Mission Impossible theme playing in the background :-) My search for mom's important papers took place while she was in the hospital after she had the fall that ended her independence, not even knowing that it was going to be permanent at the time, so I had the luxury of taking all the time I needed with everything. I did not learn as much that I did not already know as I thought I would - there were a few little things, though.
I managed to bring home a bunch of files to go through, and I also got the code off of her golf cart's ignition, so I can get duplicate keys made (her stupid pain in the ass neighbor hasn't returned them to me, and I want to maintain no contact w/her anyway). I tried to go through her phone call log and block numbers, but wasn't able to figure it out. I also tried to *77 (supposed to block unidentified numbers), but that didn't work either. Very frustrating.
Today, on my lunch break, I started to go through the files. Now, I feel a bit sad, as usual. My father was the one who organized all that stuff, and his "system" made me remember how he'd get anxious and angry, and make ridiculous amounts of duplicate copies, then file them all over the place. Argh. I did find some notarized documents that should have been with their trust stuff, so that might end up being a good thing. And I found a nondescript typewritten list with his wishes for what to do with the stuff in the house. He didn't specify exactly what to do re-this in his will (nor has my mother). No surprises, so that's good I guess.
I'm just a little melancholy because I can feel HIS depressive/hopeless/who cares anyway/live is sh-t and then you die attitude coming through. It's just sad. Despite however he felt about his life, there's evidence staring me right in the face that yes, he had some serious traumatic stuff happen, but he was also very lucky much of his life, he made some really smart and sound moves that paid off over time, and his career was something he truly loved. I know if he were here, and I had the nerve to say anything to him, he'd stop speaking to me. But he's not, so...
Anyway, is it wrong to hope for the day when I'll be able to burn all this paperwork and move on?
My question is: what kinds of activities would he enjoy with his hearing and seeing down to almost nil. He can walk some and is relatively healthy for 95. He used to love jokes, music, and history. One thing he has now is a big machine to help him see and read from a book. He just finished a novel.
I keep asking him if he has the best hearing aid or not...he doesn't think anyone can help him.
I have good news: after years of my mother throwing serious temper tantrums, having to go to the ER, blaming her illness on me, and so on...all this usually after I go see my close friends in the next state, THIS time, she didn't do any of that old stuff That's because she is living in an independant apt now and is happier and more easily distracted.
When I returned after 5 days, she was grateful and actually we had a wonderful day going shopping for clothes and food. Now I am trying to let her know that I can't spend an hour on the phone listening to all the gossip she wants to share with me of her new friends and the people she is getting to know. I don't mind some, but I do work at home. I'll be thinking of a nice way to listen and also to be able to hang up, or not get the phone at all. Any ideas?
Jewel, I hope this is the year you keep on getting stronger in yourself and find the missing peace!
Jewel, for your own peace of mind, go back to therapy and work this stuff out. You are allowed to have terrible feelings about how your mom treated you in the past. But this journey with dementia is going to be much easier for you if you can separate past hurts from current brain dysfunction.
I am feeling better, not as sad as I was a few days ago. Winter blues also gets me good. --plus the effects of caregiving. I hope one day I can afford to go somewhere warm and sunny during Jan, Feb, and Mar
Well, tomorrow is the first work week of the new year. Back to the grind. I had 4 entire days all to myself this weekend, and it was SO wonderful. Husband went out of town for a mini vacation, and so my dog and I had a lovely "bachelorette's weekend", lol. I live in a warm area, but we had a cold snap. Still, we did a lot of hiking, I went to see Into The Woods (thumbs up!), and it was just very calm and relaxing.
I did get an email from my cousin (the only one who's in touch), with the news that her MIL (my mother's older sister), has declined further, has hospice, and they anticipate that she will not be around much longer. She said that her husband called my mother to let her know, and I said I hoped she took the news ok. She replied later that my mother sounded ok. I hoped that my mother would NOT call me, and she didn't.
On Tuesday, she has her 2 hour EEG appt., so I'll take advantage of her absence and give her house a quick review (gardening, housekeeping, etc.). I'll also take some paperwork, and will try to do what I can with her phone to block those damn solicitation calls.
Hope you all have a really good week! Whatever your resolutions are, I'm cheering you on :)
I know about not being able to vacation. My husband and I have cancelled 5 times in the last 4 years. While everyone else in the family does their own thing, we caretakers are left behind. Try to get out and take even a small stroll if you can. It may take some of the gloominess away. It might help some. This may sound a bit trite but if you have a good movie (nothing sad), make some popcorn and let the movie take you "away" for a little while from your troubles, maybe that could help. I don't like hearing that you are sad, but always remember that you are never alone. All of us are thinking and caring about you. It's good just to vent and have some support...I'm a good listener!! xo
Hope all is going well. Look forward to hearing from everyone.
I'm glad that a new year is just ahead and that hope springs eternal, at least until Sunday, right? ;) I'll be with mom for several hours tomorrow afternoon and then I am going to enjoy my NY evening with friends and husband. I hope you do the same for yourself...try to forget and enjoy for a time... God bless you and how right you are...A "HAPPY" New Year...bring it!!!
On a positive note, my daughter and I went to visit on Friday after Christmas, which I think I mentioned. It wasn't too bad. We went again today because she was out of medicine and needed a new trash can. I think she looks for things so I will come. The visit was very pleasurable and my daughter even raved about how great my mom's mood was today.--she said, "granny was so much more herself today, the granny I remember"... Yes, she was. My daughter has a hard time understanding why that doesn't get me excited. Next visit could be hell so it is hard to enjoy peace when you know what it to come. This was an abnormal visit. Even though I enjoyed it and so wish that every visit could be this good, I try not to let my guard down too much.I had already planned on dropping off medicine and trash can and getting out within the hour. My daughter knew it was the plan. My mom coaxed us into going for a walk to look at another room, yes, she is thinking about moving rooms...ha! She likes to move I guess. She thinks if she moves things will be better. My mom has always been "the grass looks greener on the other side" kind of person. Someone else's life always looked better, their food looked better, their hair looked better--(you know, I cannot count how many hairdressers she went to over the years trying to get someone else's look), etc. If she can move to another room and be more content, then I am all for it. After the hour, I said it was time to go and silence. She looked at my daughter and said, "she only comes in and out", "she can't stay longer than 10 min." We had been there over an hour. If you don't stay til dark, then you didn't visit. It's okay, because the visit was good and we left on good terms. She tried to get us to stop and visit one of the other ladies and I kept walking--it was just her ploy to keep us there longer. As I walked she said, "are you in that big of hurry to get home?" No, not in that big of a hurry, mom, but I am ready to go home. I don't have time to stop and visit, but you can if you want. I have dinner to cook at home...gotta go. She walked with us to the elevator and we changed the subject and she did fine. We left and I am glad it is over. Now, I have a break until Sunday.
New Year, New Rules for me. I am going to try to let it go as I walk out the door after a visit. I am going to get back in my exercise routine and learn to breathe and enjoy each day. When I do something that doesn't involve her, I feel I am doing something wrong. I know I am not, but I feel like it. I am going to stop feeling that way and do what I want, even if it means she doesn't talk to me anymore.
Happy New Year, bring it on!!!
Today, I called my mom and told her I would be up tomorrow (Friday) as I told her yesterday I would. She yelled at me and said, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMING TODAY?" Shew, I said, no, I told you Friday. She said, whatever, and hung up. I do not want to go tomorrow and my daughter tells me I don't have to. She reminds me that I worry too much about what my mom thinks and says. She is SO right. I can't explain it, but she is right. The mental anguish it puts on me is too much. It seems I only do what my mom wants when she wants it. I have said no lately and I am reaping the repercussions. Her anger, her hateful words, and guilt trips. My daughter has been going with me to be a cushion because my mom won't show herself as much, but she is getting tired of going. She is upset that I am not making my son go too. When my son goes, my mom brings it up later about how bored he is. Well, he is a 16 year old boy listening to his grandmother complain. I am bored too but not allowed to show it. Ha! If I could get the courage as your siblings have done, I wouldn't go either. Find out how they got the courage and learn from them EdieOho.
Merry Christmas! Happy Chanukah! Happy Holidays--whatever you celebrate -- to all of my friends who write in. You all help me every day. P.S. I love my mom, too and lately things have improved, but I suspect things will not always be this smooth--I have to stay on guard and be ever-ready. I feel blessed that we have had a pretty long period of kindness and calm lately. Love to all--
Can you simply walk out when she gets abusive? This sort of behavioral intervention often works with folks who are nasty by habit. Deprive her of the audience.