Is it normal she's so negative?

It's Christmas eve and I've just about lost it. I come from a family of 8 children, I being #7. They have all but turned their back on our mom. She raised us with a loving father who was the love of her life and we all were very, very on the bottom of that totem pole. I began caring for my mom and dad when dad's health began to spiral. The family was hardly present, but all show up at the important times like funerals. Mom has always had an abusive mouth towards her children and as she got older it just got worse. But I vowed to my dad to take care of her on his death bed and for over 15 years I have stepped up for everything. But at 95 (she is in assisted living) she is worse than ever with me. Her attitude is pretty okay with the rest of the children but not so with me. I see and care for her almost every day. If I physically don't visit her, I am on the phone with her 5,6,7 times a day...always, always, always complaining, yelling, passive/aggressive to the point where my poor husband has had it as well because of all the distress she is giving me. I love her very much, but have put up with this type of behavior my entire life and now it has magnified 100X. That is why the rest of the family has pretty much abandoned her. They visit once in a great while, have a nice afternoon and then they are off and mom is thrilled with them. Then I enter the scene and it is the same heartbreak over and over. Because I was raised with her verbal abuse, it is very difficult for me, a 56 year old woman to stand up to her. The times that I do, I am feeling so guilty that I obsess over our conversation and end up right back where I started. I know I need to stick to my guns in a loving manner but it is so hard to do. I know I need to get away from it for a while but I keep allowing myself to get drawn back into it. I know what I need to do, but am also weak and tired and I just don't have the mental energy.
I applaud all of you wonderful caretakers who have done what it takes and who are doing God's work...I will hopefully and prayerfully learn from your wonderful examples...God bless you all.

Called my mom today as I promised. Told her I was coming Friday, as I promised. I invited her here for Christmas and she said......."no". Yay for me. Now I will say that when I go Friday she will probably be mad because she chose not to come and that I chose not to beg her. She will continue to make me feel guilty because I had someone to share Christmas with and how nice it is to not be alone and in "prison" at Christmas. (it will not matter that she was invited)...and that is OKAY! Yes, I am so okay with it. I am more at peace today than I was yesterday. I plan for tomorrow, but I am going to live for today.

It will be a Merry Christmas because I am keeping my eyes on Jesus and He is showing me the way.--I will also tell you He is living through you to help me through this.

Love to all!!

Thank you! I even feel guilty reading "be disconnected for two days". Ha ha.

If my mom had full blown dementia--to where she forgot everything--meaning she repeated herself because she truly forgets one minute to the next, I believe it would be a bit easier. She only forgets somethings but boy can she remember most everything. Her reasoning and decision making skills are what is lacking right now, and it is enough to make me forget who I am.

Thanks for the encouraging words. I have decided I am going to call her tomorrow and tell her I will be up on Friday. She can cry all she wants, but I am putting my family first!!

Jewel, I think you did wonderfully in that conversation! I'm very impressed! I believe that this will get easier, the more you do it. But yes, don't answer the phone for a couple of days !

Jewel, something else I don't like about dementia is no decision is ever decided. They forget they decide something, then we have to go through it again.

Enjoy your pajama day. I think my phone would be "disconnected" until after Christmas.

Bullying is a term that I have just learned to relate to my mom. She has bullied me all my life. She manipulates me to no end. I have enjoyed the last few days after our visit on Friday. It seemed to go well and I told her I would see her on Tuesday. she was fine with that. I called this morning to let her know I would be up at 2. Her exact words, "They are having a game at 2." I said, "is it something (my daughter) and I can join you?"
Her: "uh, no, I don't think so".
Me: Ok, I can come Sunday.
Her: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: Christmas with inlaws
Her: Oh, I forgot.
Me: Yea, I can come Sunday.
Her: Sunday? Where are you going Christmas?
Me: I am going from the bed to the couch on Christmas.
Her: Oh
Me: I can come today or Sunday, mom.
Her: Well, ok then. Bye.

10 minutes later---- phone rings
Her: what are you doing tomorrow?
Me: Um, we are going to the inlaws...???
Her: ALL DAY?!!??
Me: No, not all day, but we are going there.
Her: Are you cooking???
Me: Fixing a salad.
Her: I hate it here!!!!, you don't even care! They do stupid things here, playing some Christmas game!
Me: You don't have to go, mom. I am glad you chose to go, but you don't have to.
Her: I force myself
Me: I am glad you do.
Her: You don't even care that I don't have anywhere to go on Christmas.
Me: YOu are welcome to come to my house and watch us sit around in our pajamas, mom. We aren't doing anything.
Her: You don't even care.
Me; I have tried to fix it, but I can't.
Her: How have you tried to fix it?
Me: I have moved you everytime you says you need to get out of there and that you are miserable.
Her: silence, how can you act like nothing is wrong. Silence....
Me: Silence....
Her: don't you have anything to say?
ME: No, mom, I do not have anything to say.
Me: My family sees me stress out over this situation with you, because you don't see it, doesn't mean I don't care. You are welcome to come over.
Her: I am getting off here!!
click

Ok...this is my life on a daily basis with this woman. I am worn out, frazzled, stressed, and can't even enjoy the holidays for wondering what kind of fit she is going to throw. Maybe she is right, I DON"T want her over here complaining, whining, and crying about herself and her misery. I don't want to spend my Christmas with my family in misery. I guess, I am thinking is it ok if I don't ask her again. I have asked three times with no response. I am tired of begging her to be happy. It is not up to me to make her happy, but yet I continue to try. uuggh!!

I guess I am not looking for a true answer, just needing to vent. My family gets tired of me talking about it to, because I keep doing the same thing, doing for her .
Thanks for listening... Merry Christmas!

Jeweltone: I think you and I are still in the habit of hoping and wishing our mothers were different, and we may feel anger, rage, injustice at their antics. Babalou is right.
I am working at trying to love whoever my mother is right now, but somehow without being attached to her, being attached to my own expectations of her or my pleasing her, and any other junk like that. It's really hard to tease apart the emotional patterns we were trained in since birth.

I went to an all day meditation today. It was wonderful. I prayed that God would help me find a way to be loving without being hurt. I know a true yogi has gotten rid of the ego and thus can give love unconditionally. I ask myself: Who is hurt now? What am I hanging onto? What must I let go of? How can I keep my dignity or should it even matter with someone this age and that demented, or deaf, etc.

I don't have any answers. I know I could develop more patience, keep my opinions to myself and just nod my head and try to be useful. So happy to do something else when I don't have to see her. I feel love for her the next day, as the annoying feelings soon evaporate. And sometimes, there are moments we both enjoy.

My prayers are with you for finding the right attitude that gives you peace and gets you through this.

Jewel, it is important just to be able to say what goes on. That's true. But my goodness I do hate to think how your mother bullies you. I told you not to come/why weren't you here. I don't like fussy wrapping/why haven't you wrapped it. I'm not having a birthday/you're coming to my party.

She torments you. It's awful. I know if it were easy to stop you'd have stopped it. It just ***looks*** so easy from the outside! Hugs to you. That's that for this year, anyhow.

Her dementia is very mild and yes, I realize her reasoning skills are lacking. I just write what is on my mind. No matter our situation, it is frustrating and writing it helps me. I realize all these things...I realize she can't reason like she used to, I realize she has been hateful and negative all her life, I realize no matter what I do she will still find a reason to be angry. I realize I tell her things that will make her less angry. I also write these things hoping that it will help someone else see that they are not alone.

Toxic is the relationship whether it has happened now or 40 years ago. It seems you have found peace and I am happy for you for that, but many of us have not found the peace we are looking for yet. Therefore, we continue to write our thoughts, our feelings and how our day went.

Jewel, your mom has been diagnosed with dementia , hasn't she? And yet you write as though she has adult reasoning capability. Several years ago, my mother was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, the result of a stroke that we didn't know about. (She has since had a big stroke and has vascular dementia). But back to MCI. This means that the person in question has the reasoning ability of a child. Think about the way a child processes wishes. They want what they want...right now. It doe matter what they wanted yesterday (unwrapped present). What matters is what they want now (sparkly wrappings ). Add the memory problems and her lifelong personality disorder...well, it's a toxic mix.

YOU need to take care of you. Nothing you do will please mom unless you become a mind reader. Do what you think and know is best for her and be at peace with that.

Juddha hang in there.

As you know I was dreading today. The non-birthday lady visit. When my daughter and I went in she immediately jumped up and said, "I thought you were coming yesterday?" I waited all day for you to come. Why didn't you come? Mom, I said Friday and you repeated me. She looked at my daughter and said, "no point in arguing with her, she always wins." BAHAHAHA!!! I wanted to laugh out loud. If she waited all day, then why didn't she call. No, she sat mad at me and pouting as each minute passed 1 p.m. The staff had her cake waiting and we went to the dining room--she whined that she didn't want to, but she had a great time. We hurried her up to the dining room so we could get out of her room and away from the negativity that was getting ready to happen. Then she asked, "aren't you coming tonight for the party?" Yes, mother, we are coming...uugh! I didnt really want to but we went and it was enjoyable. Yes, read it twice, enjoyable. You may not read those words from me for a long time, but today was pleasant.

I took her gift but didn't wrap it upon her request. She wanted to know why I didn't wrap it. No comment from me. Then she told the staff she didn't expect a cake from them she thought I would get her one...go back and read my last post. no gifts, no flowers, no cake. LOL. I said, "you told me not to"....everyone laughed and believe it or not, she laughed too and agreed that she said it.
My husband even asked her to dance at the Christmas party tonight and she shook her head no and said I don't dance.--well, she used to.

After the party, I did her pills and told her I would come on Tuesday next week. She was disappointed I wasn't coming Sunday. She said, We are getting off schedule. I told her only until after Christmas. I think I will make up a holiday so I can skip visits. I can at least rest this weekend knowing I do not have to go and I have had a decent visit for a while.

Bless each of you this weekend as I know each of us are going through rough patches.

Good news: Mom is doing well in her new senior independent living place. Everyone seems to like her and she is eating up all the attention. More and more she relies less and less on me for tending her emotional well being and is taking more responsibility for herself with pride. (ferocious pride, I'd say!) I admire her for her many qualities as others do, but I have trouble enjoying her company.

The dramas elders enact are all to keep their little girls at a soldier's attention.
My mother starts out her phone calls with, "Ah J.....! Listen, listen, I need this....."
It always is presented to me as if she just placed the world on my head and I better drop everything and get to it. Later it usually turns out to be nothing and even she dismisses it as important, without any apologies. The next demand comes shortly and the pattern continues. UGH.

What works best for a semblance of conversation is she talks non-stop about nothing and I say, "oh, how nice, uh-huh," . She might be pretending to be in a conversation because her hearing is bad, she doesn't know how to relate to me anymore since I changed our pattern of abuse, or maybe she doesn't really care about someone else. I am telling myself more that she can't help the way she is and she is doing the best she can, but my heart cannot and will not open up in her presence.

Very interesting suggestion, Babalou. I was just observing myself with my mother today when we went shopping. I am cold, distant, but try to be civil. I am tense and have a hard time relaxing with her, even when she is in a good mood. I see that I am using all my energy to keep a lid on the myriad feelings I have about her. I let it out with a joke about other things around us. I felt guilty I am not more loving and close, but then wait a minute: she doesn't let that happen either. She'll turn on you like a caged animal when you least expect it if you displease her. I am shut down and done with trying to please her and I am struggling to find out how to respond in another, a different way. Thanks for bringing this up with Jewel.
Jewel, I hope this all is helpful.
My counselor also suggested I find a different way: so did my friends, and three doctors who told me my mother has a "toxic effect" on me!!

Hey all...just wanted to pass this along, in case you need a chuckle. Remember I said that I sent my mother flowers a few days before Thanksgiving? With a note, from my husband and me. Even summoned the strength to sign it "love...". And never received any response, which was expected, and is actually fine (no contact works better when neither of us contacts the other). Well, yesterday and today, I was doing my usual monitoring of her credit card purchases, and noticed that she did go to her local florist and order an arrangement to be delivered. To whom, I wondered -- sincerely hoping it wasn't me, because then I wouldn't know how to re-assess things, and I truly don't have the energy or desire to do so.
I called the florist today to confirm delivery, and discovered that she sent them to Nosy Neighbor Lady! Who, thank goodness, I haven't heard from in about 3 months now, but I guess she's still involved w/my mother. They give me such an icky feeling. Two nasty people, posing as sweet do-gooders.

cmagnum--thank you for your kind words and great advice. I don't know why I sometimes feel like I have it together and set clear and effective boundaries and then go backwards to feeling like an inadequate child--looking for that approval. I frustrate myself--I want to maintain the healthy me. Therapy could be an option. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated your post.

Think about this Jewel. You are an adult. You have a relationship with another adul. You are spend an awful lot of time trying to get that other adult to respond to you as a fellow adult, but she hasn't for a very long tijr. Why would you continue to respond in the same ways? Respond in a very different way.

Emjo: There you are!! I have been worried about you. Glad to see you are back. I almost called the AL and told the director not to tell mom I asked for the cake, then I decided that I wanted to have them make her a cake, so there it is. She can say what ever she likes about it. I will eat it. Ha! You are so right, she will not be happy either way. She is begging me to move her to a house. I mean begging plus saying things that make me feel really guilty that she is not happy. I also realize she won't be happy if I move her. I am not doing anything right now, I am waiting until summer and then we will see.

CM: I am not too much on birthdays either, but when my daughter gave me a surprise party in November, I told her how much I appreciated it. I don't think my mom ever had inhibitions.. I do believe she is losing what she had.

Babalou: I haven't been to therapy yet. I cannot afford it right now, but I do need to find a way in the worst way. I need to get these things off my chest out loud. I was going to talk to my pastor, but they moved and left the church.

I go to my mom's tomorrow for her non-birthday. We decided not to wrap the gifts so she won't freak out too bad. If she thinks my daughter picked out some of it, she will not say too much about it. She at least keeps her cool around her. I pray she doesn't want us to come back for their Christmas dinner at the AL. If she does, then I will suck it up and go. She isn't too bad around others, but it is very uncomfortable, because she doesn't treat my family very nice. She used to and it is hard to watch her treat them how she probably really felt about them, but now the filter is getting very thin.

Jewel, have you gone back to therapy?

Exactly what Emjo said - you can't please her so you might just as well please yourself.

Um. I hate my birthdays, too! Discreet acknowledgement is about all I can handle, if I'm honest about how comfortable I feel. But at least I have the manners to stick a smile on and be grateful for people's thinking of me - she's not losing inhibitions or something, is she?

jewel - you will never win that battle. She will make sure of that.It is a waste of your time and energy. Let it go.Decide for yourself what you want to do for her birthday or whatever, and do it and don't look to her for approval. If you want to take her for dinner - fine, if you don't, fine too. Either way she will not be happy. Do what is good for you.

Sunday I didn't go to my mom's, I haven't been yet this week. I called her tonight and told her I wasn't coming and that I would be there Friday for her birthday. Silence--once again.

Mom: Friday?
Me: Yes, Friday for your birthday.
Mom: Did you get the thing in the mail about the Christmas dinner here for Friday?
Me: Yes, I wasn't sure if you wanted to do that.
Mom: I don't know.
Me: Well, I will see you Friday.
Mom: I don't want a birthday.
Me: Ok
Mom: Don't buy me flowers.--She hates flowers, who hates flowers? smh
Me: Ok, with a laugh.
Mom: Don't get me a cake.
Me: I won't.
Mom: I don't want presents either.
Me: ok, mom...I will see you Friday.
Mom: Silence--I don't really want a birthday. Don't get me anything.
Me: Ok, gotta go, see you Friday and you can let me know what you want to do about the dinner.
Mom: --click-

Who doesn't like to be thought of on their birthday? Um, my mom. She always complains that I don't do enough for her, but when I try--which is every week... She decides she don't want me too. I am climbing an uphill battle.

I really hope she doesn't want to do the dinner on Friday evening because I will just have to hear how everyone seemed bored.--if my family doesn't dote on her, she thinks they are bored. I pray she decides for us not to come. All she has to do is say it once. Ha!--no begging here. That is one thing I have completely stopped with her is begging. I used to beg her to do things, but now when she says no, I take no for an answer.

Hope everyone is ready for Christmas. I am trying very hard to get in the spirit of things but this year has reamed very difficult.

Jewel, I love that quote. Right on target. I wanted people to realize that I was not just cooking, cleaning or whatever. There are so many unseen or unnoticed things the caregiver does. No one will recognize that if they are not around to experience it!

njny1952, please don't leave your job in an attempt to appease your mother or just to relieve your anxiety. You have your own life as an adult to tend to and she is in independent living. It is not your job to keep her from being upset with her. If she is upset with you because you are living your life as an adult while she is in independent living then that is her problem not yours. As adults, we must detach our lives from the lives of our parents. Otherwise, we spend our entire life seeking their approval and if they were not loving parents, then seeking the love we never got. If you are finding that your mom is living in your head too much, then a therapist might help you detach with love so that you can live your own life without her in your head so much. This anxiety thing is a button that your mother placed deep in your mind as a child and it usually takes getting professional help to find freedom. Take care of yourself and your life!

Jewel, you asked "I have prayed that God change her mind about being so hateful. I wish all of a sudden she would be kind, sweet, caring, forgiving, and a pleasure to be around. Is that too much to ask?"

It is not too much to ask. However, God has given each person a free will and God will not override your mother's free will to be different that the way she chooses to be. Unless she's open to God changing her heart, it is not going to happen.

Jewel, no, it's not bravery. I still feel badly that this is how things have to be in order to provide the care she needs, and the sanity I need. I still spend way too much energy justifying my actions by 1) listing all the times she's been nasty, bullheaded, unreasonable, bratty, haughty, and nay-saying and 2) all the times I've tried over and over, putting up with one thing after another, my efforts being completely undermined and messed up, my time, attention, good will, and hopeful optimism never appreciated. I still run tapes in my head way too often.
The only thing that keeps me on this path right now is that it's working better than any other attempt ever has. AND, everyone else who's commented on how they've kept contact to the minimum, or gone completely no contact -- they ALL say that their only regret is that they didn't do it sooner. That always gives me food for thought.
I hope your visit this week goes by as quickly and painlessly as possible. Good luck! Hugs...

Here is a quote that a friend shared....

"Caregivers are often the casualties, the hidden victims.
No one sees the sacrifies they make."-- Judith London

I couldn't agree more!!

Looloo, or should I call you RobinHood...Ha! You are so brave. I wish I could get to that point. I am working toward it, but it is so difficult. Only because I chose it to be--I realize this honestly, but.... you know the drill.

While watching Joyce Meyer last night with my daughter, I realized even more of how I need to move forward from her and stop letting her control my thoughts. My mind tells me one thing and my heart tells me something else. Our minds are powerful things. My mind lets all these negative thoughts enter and my heart says don't believe it. When I talk to "her" then my mind goes crazy with negative thoughts and it consumes me. I will continue to work on this.

Another thing that drives me crazy is the lying that I have to do with her. I am always covering my tracks and telling her things that she would rather here, than the truth. If I am honest, I will even be in worse shape.--hard to comprehend but it is the way it rolls. I know this stems from the lifelong path she has set before me. My aunt tried to be honest with her the other day about some things dealing with my grandmother's estate and my mom went off--literally. Threw a fit, got mad, yelled, etc. I didn't tell my mom these things for I didn't want to get the blunt of it. My aunt agreed to do it. Now, I am dreading going to my mom's this week because it will be a living h*ll. We both agreed to lie to her about another issue with the estate and now I am back tracking to make sure the lie stays under the rock. Whew!! How exhausting. My chest hurts and my head hurts just thinking about it all. I will be SO glad when this estate thing is settled and I can finally tell her it is over and I don't want to discuss it anymore. My aunt is trying very hard to get everything settled so we can move forward. My mom has had ample opportunity to discuss, choose, make decisions and give her ideas. But NO, she would always say, "this makes me nervous and I can't make decisions"...that was her excuse anyway. Now, that most things have been done, she is angry and now giving her opinion about the way things should have been done. I have told her that it is too late to do her ideas. I also told her she had great ideas, but we cannot go back and redo things. This is where she hasn't changed, she lets others make decisoins, then she gets angry because it wasn't the way she thought it should be done. UUGH!! I am more than tired of the repercussions from her. Do it this way it is wrong, do it that way it is wrong.

One other thing on my mind...My grandmother had some personal belongings that my mom has chosen from. She didn't want anything but a couple of items and she asked my aunt what she was going to do with what was left over. My aunt told her she was going to let the rest of the family go through them. My mom got really mad and told her no. She is so selfish. She doesn't want it, but doesn't want anyone else to have them. One more thing I will have to hear about when I go visit. Her birthday is this week and I know the right thing to do is go visit on that day, but it will not be enjoyable. I have prayed that God change her mind about being so hateful. I wish all of a sudden she would be kind, sweet, caring, forgiving, and a pleasure to be around. Is that too much to ask?

Hi everyone, I haven't been on too much, so just popping on to say hi. No excitement here, which is good. Just getting stuff done for my mother -- end of year filing, mailed her quarterly tax payments, shipped her usual magazines and an order of books she purchased, got her Rx's refilled, re-scheduled her home care for Christmas and New Years week, stopped a few more phone solicitors -- I hope!, followed up with her gardener because I haven't seen a bill at all yet, and her authorization for an EEG came through so I made an appt for that for the first week of January. I did some quick online research to find out exactly what the doctor will learn about her cognitive condition by looking at an EEG. Technology is simply incredible. Sad that there is no cure, but amazing how far things have come in such a short time.
So, I requested a day off from work on her appointment day (she better not cancel!), and while she's at the doctor, I will go into her house, check things out to see how everything looks, and so on, and will also gather some files that I'll need one of these days.
I've decided to give my once-every-3-weeks therapy appointments a rest after the one I have scheduled for next week. I think I've gotten to the "beating a dead horse" stage of things, which isn't a bad thing. If a crisis comes up, I reserve the right to make another appointment. :) Take care, everyone!

You are right, my mother isn't totally out of it. Her memory is so much better since she has been in AL. She recalls things I wish she didn't. She always takes things out of context when she is recalling something I said or something someone else has said. This is nothing new, but it is much worse than before. Her reasoning skills are worse, but for the most part, she is very sharp. I am always staying a step ahead of her. Like I have stated before, she doesn't take the truth very well. When I am honest with her about things she gets so angry. When I fib or change up the story a bit, she still gets angry; but not near as bad as if I had told her the truth. If she thinks it's the truth, then I am fine with that. It is really hard to keep up with. She will randomly call me and ask me quesitons and I swear I think she does it to try to "catch" me telling her a lie so then she can get even more mad at me. My husband even ask me how I keep up with it all. I laughed and told him she is the only person I lie to, so I can keep up with that. Ha ha! I am stressed over it, but I pray that God understands why I have to fib and stretch the truth from time to time.

Yesterday my husband and I went Christmas shopping and I didn't call her to tell her...I was so proud of myself for not calling. I normally call every Saturday to remind her I will be up on Sunday. I did not call and it was so freeing. Well... She called me around 1 pm and I didn't answer. She left a message on accident--not hanging up when the message came on. She was talking to someone and I realized it was my aunt. She had gone for a visit. Then I was nervous to call her back because I felt like she was setting us up for failure. I figured she was going to ask questions trying to "catch" us in something. Just realize I think this way, because this is how my mom works now and how she worked before.--that part of her hasn't changed one bit. MANIPULATION
After about an hour, I decided to get it over with. I called her and she had a question for me, but it was about where I had put something. I truly believe though she was calling to see where I was. I am even more proud of myself because I called her today, Sunday, and told her I was NOT coming up today. YAY for me!!! I did tell her I would come either Tuesday or Wednesday. SILENCE! Then she said, "ok" and hung up. She no longer says bye. Weird. But that's okay with me. A quick click and done. I am keeping my eyes on Jesus and not her anger. It is helping me so much. It is not my fault she is angry, she is angry with me, but I didn't intentionally cause the anger--therefore, making it her issue. Such a breakthrough for me to realize that it is NOT my fault. Do I do things that make her angry? I am sure I do, but I am not being a brat of a daughter ignoring my mom. I am being true to myself which in turn makes her upset and a reason to find more manipulation. She likes to make me feel like I am wrong by putting myself and my family first. In her eyes she is supposed to come first. SMH!! She didn't put her parents first, she made sure we were taken care of first. I haven't been around a more selfish person.

I am just glad I have the day off. I will dread the next visit, because she will store this in her brain for ammunition for when I do come.

Enjoy your Sunday!!