Is it normal she's so negative?

Wow, Jeweltone. Your mother and mine were tyrannical and masters at controlling us. Even as adults we still are haunted by guilt, fear, and confusion every single time we do anything with them, even a phone call or email. This is emotional abuse and our challenge is to find a place inside ourselves where we are SAFE, loved, peaceful, and can open up to others without fear. They did a lot of damage to us.
I am only seeing it all now. We must unlearn all the harmful patterns they taught us ; all those things that hurt us that we never questioned as children. They have been mentally ill all our lives: even though our mothers did other remarkable, or normal looking things.

Now we have to keep finding our own boundaries, dodge the abusive one-sided conversations or monologues, not be tempted to retaliate, be defensive, and often it always feels like a no-win situation, no matter what I do say, don't say, go or don't go, no matter what I do. This alone really burns me out an makes me rage with dispair. If this wasn't enough my need to grieve, love, feel compassion, and so on are at another end of the spectrum of the reality of dealing with her.

I keep trying and hoping it won't be so bad. At best, I can just barely tolerate her. Some moments are almost pleasant but any true closeness is out of the question .She'll set me up for her next target practice. I don't think she is even vaguely aware of what she says, what she is doing, and how she is effecting me. Same with your Mom.

Both mothers have never introspected on their OWN behaviors nor taken responsibility for their bullying, and abusive behaviors. My mother has never owned up to her cheating on my Dad all through their marriage, nor for beating on us. I still see her through my childhood eyes at times: the scary red face, the shouting, taunting, and so on. She could have been arrested for what she did to my sister. I don't know how we didn't have concussions or more bruises.

I try over and over again to smile, be brave, ask God for the right attitude, meditate, and do whatever I can to take care of myself when I am not in her presence. It's the right thing to do to be within reach to help her but it's the right thing to do to set time limits and use language that constantly reminds her that I have needs that are as important as hers. I don't care anymore how she reacts to that.

I also used to write things down. I was about 9 and wrote I hate my mother on a piece of paper and through it away. My mom too, snooped all the time. The paper was crinkled up in the trash and she found it. I feel really bad, but I blamed it on the neighbor. She had just been over and I told my mom she was mad at her mother. She told me it looked like my writing, but I think she kind of bought it. I have not been close to my mom either. Even though it appeared that we were close because I made such an effort to make it good with her. We went shopping, out to eat, and so forth up until she became too ill to go out--4 years ago. Now, I feel like I am living like I did when I was living at home as a young child and a young adult. She is always mad a me or pouting at me for something. When I was a teenager she worked an hour away and it was near a mall. She asked me that morning-while I was still sleeping, if I would drive over later and go shopping after she got off work. I told her no, I didn't want to. (I was a teenager that loved sleep, an still do, but grant it she left home at 7 a.m.) After I got up that morning, I thought about me telling her no and knew right away I was going to be in big trouble later. I called her at her work and told her I would come over when she got off work. She replied, "no, just forget it"...I knew then I was in more trouble than I thought. I begged her to let me come over (looking back, how stupid) She rudely told me to stop calling her at work and she would see me at home and I better be there when she got home. She yelled and threw her little fit after she got home at me because I didn't want to come over. Why didn't she just allow me to come? I now realize she LIKES being mad. She was and is never the one to give in. She stays mad and likes to throw a fit. I made sure the house was spotless when she got home, but it didn't matter. What mattered to her was that I said, no. You don't say no to her. I beginning to think maybe we all are stuck in a Stockholm syndrome...who knows why we keep going back for more.

When it comes to holidays, it is sad that our mothers couldn't get together with all the family. My mom can't stand anyone so she never wanted to be around my husbands family. She thinks they are uppity to do people. They are well known in the community but she sees that as a threat. They may be better than her. Crazy!! Just Crazy!! I have always wanted to have Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner at my house and invite everyone from my family to his family...but NO, as long as she is living, I will not be able to do that. A couple years ago when she was really bad ill, I didn't fix dinner thinking she may come over and of course she wouldn't, so I had some friends over for Christmas dinner and it was so nice.

I want you to know that I feel like I am reading about my own mom and our relationship when I read all your posts. My mom apologized one time to me and that is when the dementia first started and she thought she was dying...she sat me down and told me she was sorry for the way she treated me. I thought it was sincere and heartfelt. Now, I know it was only because she was worried about her own soul at that very moment. She is back to her old self and no apologies for her.

My mother and I were never very close--ever since I was about 7, when she read my journal. I had read Harriet the Spy and loved it, so I was emulating Harriet from the book and kept a journal, where I think I just vented and wrote mean things about people. Anyway, she snooped, read the journal, and saw that I had described her as "fat". I swear, she never forgave me for that! She would bring it up over the years (the last time she mentioned it was a few months after my father died, which was almost 5 years ago). I felt guilty and awful my entire childhood for that. It didn't dawn on me until I was an adult that she violated my privacy, and hey, was writing that really so unforgivable? I guess so.
We were definitely enmeshed though. We would spend a lot of time together, shopping, going to museums--every time I confided in her I regretted it, but continued to do so until I was probably 30 years old. She was always disappointed in me and angry, she embarassed me with her obliviousness and know it all attitude. As I got more "adult" and independent, she got bitchier, and would make snide comments and insults when I visited. She made it impossible to blend my husband's family at holidays (no one could stand her rudeness and condescension). When she and my father moved away, she didn't adjust, even though it was she who wanted to move there. When my father died, she got even worse, felt very sorry for herself, and then her dementia followed.
We were never on any kind of trajectory of forgiveness and understanding, which is sad. Whenever I have to deal with her, it's always irritating, frustrating, confusing, and it messes with my head.

Jeweltone and Loo, our mothers came out of the same moldy mould!
I used to love my Mom so much. Even though she's always had emotional mental issues and was verbally and physically abuse in my youth, she and I had a working mother-daughter relationship where we were like best friends. I think that is what hurts the most. That person is already dead.

Judda: I know exactly how you feel...I really do. I leave my mom's sometimes and wonder why I got her as a mother. My mom has done the same thing about drinks. They have a soda fountain in the dining area and we can get a fountain drink while we visit. I always look forward to getting one when I go. Twice she has made comments about me not getting something to drink from her fridge.--like it isn't good enough. smh! Once, before I left, I did take a drink from her fridge and she said, "there was one already opened in there, why didn't you take that one? I guess you don't want to drink after me"---really mom? Gosh! If I don't take a drink it's the wrong thing and if I take a drink it's the wrong one. Speaking of Thanksgiving, when we went for dinner with her at the AL she introduced each of us to one of the new girls. When she got to my husband, she said "oh, and that is my sorry son-in-law" and laughed. Well, I didn't think it was too funny. He laughed with her and didn't let her know it bothered him. My mom wouldn't have said it before, but she did feel that way, now she says what she really thinks. I wish I had the nerve to say, "yea, and that is his sorry mother-in-law" Ha ha!! Can I send my mom to the moon with your mom? Not having to go this past weekend was nice, but here comes another weekend. I am trying not to dread it and I hope she doesn't want me to come this Sunday either. I really could care less if I ever go back. It is so nice NOT to be around her. I called her yesterday and she didn't say two words, so I told her I was going to get off the phone and once again she just hung up. She has decided not to use the word bye anymore. Click!

Just remember the boundaries you have set for yourself and know how important you are and surround yourself with those who make you feel good about yourself. Positive energy ONLY!!! I realize we cannot be happy all the time, but we don't have to be miserable for them. One day, hopefully soon, we will reap the benefits of being the "good daughter". Even though they will never acknowledge it, we know it. Losing ourselves through this process is a NO NO. We MUST keep true to who we really are.

Wonderful to hear that things have gotten much better. A few other notes: 1) Like everyone has said, maintain the boundaries you just established. 2) Yes, this is part of the natural progression of dementia. It does not reflect any buried feelings or subdued parts of her personality. As her brain changes, her body will become less apt at responding to stimuli and understanding it as positive or negative and what problems are causing her discomfort. She may have a hard time realizing that you brushing her hair is causing her comfort, not the pain in her foot (if she has that.) 3) Don't burn yourself out; spend time with friends and having time to yourself in your busy life. Take breaks when you find yourself running out of steam. Reach out to someone you know loves you; it's okay to ask for love and attention. 4) Know that your efforts do matter. Your mother is very vulnerable and has lost things we take for granted (independence especially)--in some ways, she does need to be treated like a child with high boundaries/rules as well as high expectations, but visiting her also preserves her adulthood and her identity as a valuable, complex person.

Thanks for sharing. I really admire that you set rules and that you are using those to help you and your mom have a good experience.

I am grateful that I had a wonderful visit in Maine with my friends. I can think back to that and know who I truly am, and that I can be myself with them. With Mom I am in front of a machine gun. Why do I still oversee that she is Ok while I wish she would go to the moon and never come back?

Hello everyone: want to respond to Loo and Jeweltone. Thanks so much for your entries which helped me understand more my visit with Mom this afternoon. After taking my work time and lunch time to deliver some cranberry supplement I bought for her that she hinted she needed for Mom's latest UTI, I arrived just at the moment she had a visitor, another 90 yr old, new friend of hers. The whole time, my mother treated me like dog sh*t, sarcastically putting me down in front of the apartment maintenance person, her new friend, and everyone she met in the hallway. She had everyone all brainwashed to what a horrible daughter I am, I have a big mouth, I don't stop talking, and all kinds of other other allusions. I was horrified and filled with disgust at her behavior. Just a few days ago we had a nice Thanksgiving: well, with me going yes, uh-huh, how nice while she goes on and on about nothing. "Well, I think we are getting along better," she declared.
God, she is SO looney!!!k But since no one knows her, and she is great at looking charming and being phoney, that everyone thinks she is "special".

While her friend told he her life story, totally unprompted and unaware of my queen mother fuming for lack of attention, I finally said, "I didn't have lunch, I am faint from hunger, I need to go back home to get back to work. Why don't you have a nice visit with my mother." They were both totally unaware of what's going on. Her friend went on and on about herself, while my mother inserted put downs about me and sat trying to get her friend to face and talk to HER.

I stood up from the couch, "I am sorry but I must go. I need to get some food now."
Mom jumped up and had this mean swaying motion as she walked to her refrigerator. "Well, I am sure it's not good enough for you, but you can have this."
She handed me some leftovers from a salad bar. It wasn't until after I ate it that I realized I probably consumed her germs: she has a UTI infection! Oh damn!
I was so hungry I ate it but it was only barely a handful of food.
This is in contrast to me making her a turkey with several sides, and dessert, all from scratch. I didn't even want to eat there. I should have just gave her the supplement, got the cash I spent and left. UGH, well next time.

I go away from her place, cursing and saying, "I HATE HER!" over and over. It's so disturbing. I am NOT like this as a person. She is utterly toxic to me. There's no way to win in this situation. Only glad she can still live on her own. But her behavior drives me to apathy and hatred. It's awful! Even my seeing a counselor doesn't make this scene from repeating over and over. I often wish I would never see her again.

Hi everyone, how has your week been? Good, I hope! It's officially Holiday Season. I like this time of year, even though the awkward/unpleasant family stuff rears its head every time.
My mother's neurologist is a very helpful man. Since I had to get off the phone during her exam on Monday, I called back and asked to schedule a 5 minute call with him to get an update. He called me around 7:00 p.m. on Tuesday, and spent probably 10-15 minutes explaining how everything went. I filled in a few gaps too for him.
I had one moment of real smug satisfaction (with a tinge of guilt, of course). He related something my mother asked him, which, if he knew her as long as I have, he would have realized that it was a setup for her idea of a clever joke. He answered her question, and she delivered her punchline. I would never describe my mother as witty or clever -- sarcastic? Yes. But a good sense of humor is something she's never had. So, her "joke" only served to confirm his suspicions that her "thought processes are very confused," as he told me.
I had a reflex reaction to explain immediately what my mother meant. I felt badly for her, that she was misunderstood, that her joke fell flat, and that she only made her case worse for herself. BUT, the doctor had been so generous with his time already, and I decided that it wasn't particularly useful to harp on this one incident, so I didn't say anything. And THEN, I remembered all the times when I felt compelled to joke around in order to lighten up the mood in our family, and my mother would either roll her eyes, or look through me like I was invisible, or ignore me as if she couldn't hear me. At that moment, the smugness set in ;).
Hey, I'm no saint...

As with mine....The world is a negative place to live because it doesn't see "her" as important as she thinks she is. Actually I wonder if she really thinks that she is that important or if she just thinks we are supposed to thinks she is...I don't know. Now, I am confused. Ha! The reason I say this, while we were there to visit and have dinner with her all she kept talking about was the other residents. She would say things like--(usually unreal names of course), Jane is a social-lite, Sue is everyones favorite, Kathy gets all the attention. Frances is uppity uppity. Get the idea? She always sees everyone else as the "better" people. But is very sarcastic as she says it. She doesn't say it like poor me, it is with a smarta$$ attitude. Like--look at them, who do they think they are? umph!! Jealous is the one word I can think of. She is so "green" with jealousy she can't stand to be around anyone.

I had thought about calling her and asking her how she feels, but I have come to the conclusion she is just pouting. So, therefore, I am going to enjoy my night and let her sulk.

Enjoy your night too!

Hello, back to work after a very much appreciated, REAL holiday weekend.
I was flooded this morning with a lot of "mom stuff", which I tried to do while at my "real" job.
Her appointment with her second neurologist was this morning, and I had spent some time over the last few weeks drafting a letter for him, to give him all the background. I faxed it over this morning. A few minutes before my boss was scheduled to come in, I got a phone call from the doctor, who wanted to conference me in to the appointment. I did not expect this, but didn't think it was a bad thing (it's just, I'm at work, I can't just switch gears, find some privacy, and so on--but I managed to duck into a conference room). I had to ask him to take me off of the speaker phone so that my mother wouldn't hear my comments. Anyway, I filled him in as best I could, and got to hear my mother a little bit. She only went to the appointment because she had no idea what it was for, which was good. He asked her a few questions, which she was basically unable to answer, but she's never said "I don't know" in her entire life, so I listened to her fudging her answers.
I'm not sure if she comprehended that I was on the call, or that it was ME, her daughter, speaking. She didn't say hello or anything -- and neither did I for that matter. It was strictly business.
I appreciated the doctor being as thorough as he could be, although I had answered a few of his questions already in my letter, so it seemed that he hadn't read it very carefully. Ehh, well, everyone's busy. Guess what? The world does NOT revolve around my mother, except in her own mind.

Aside from a few emotional hiccups, the holiday weekend was the most calm and relaxing I've ever had. But then, all previous holidays were never pleasant. They always involved putting on a fake cheerful persona, dealing with twisted family dynamics. I was happy for my mother that my brother visited, though-- and happy for myself that I didn't call or visit.
Thanksgiving five years ago was the last time I saw my father. He was very ill and died a week later. I've been reflecting on my parents' behaviors, and how I picked up so many of them without knowing it until very recently. Have any of you been on the website OutOfTheFog? I've been reading the forum posts, and my goodness, I can't believe how similar so many of the stories are.
Anyway, hopefully I haven't been ruminating too much. It seems like there are still so many moments of realization, it's almost too much sometimes.

It is Sunday... I called mom this morning and she sounded like she had been crying. I didn't ask, but I did ask if she felt ok. She said "no, my nose is stopped up" so I asked her if she felt like me coming over. With an answered prayer, she said, "no". I told her I hoped she got to feeling better...with no response, she just hung up the phone. Wonder how she would react if I just hung up with no response to her? I went to her sister's house yesterday with family to eat Thanksgiving dinner. I am sure mom is pouting because she chose not to go and we chose to go. Anyway, I did not have to go see her. I was able to take advantage of the time and put some Christmas decorations outside. I do realize at some point this week I will have to face her with all the questions about dinner at her sister's. She will quiz me over and over. "Bet they didn't even miss me did they?" "Who asked about me" "What did they say"? on and on. No answer will be good enough. Listen to me, Ha! Already dreading another week. Stop it! I tell myself, just Stop!

Looloo, your mom didn't teach you to be rude and neither did my mom. They knew better to raise us to be rude, they may need us one day. We were conditioned to be "nice" to them at any cost. I see myself in you when it comes to wanting validation that we are doing a good job for them. They will never acknowledge what we need from them--good girl, I am so proud of you. The only validation my mom wants is me telling her what a wonderful mother she is/was. NOT!!! I will not validate that to her either anymore. I read something about how to deal with the chronic complainer--this came after having Thanksgiving dinner with her at her AL the other day. All she did was complain the entire time we were there with her. My husband said, "well, it seems your mom is back to herself, she complained the whole time" Ha Ha! It is so true. Now that she is back to herself for the most part she complains even more. Anyway, after reading this article on why people complain, it made me realize that my mom doesn't see herself as a negative person. She is just responding appropriately to the negative world she lives in. Sounds crazy, but this is how they see things. They see the world around them as negative and terrible and they have to live in it. The world is not perfect as they see themselves. I cannot imaging how terrible it must be living in a mind like that. I do not want to validate her feelings anymore about how bad things are for her. I do not see the world as she does and I am so thankful for that. It was great of your brother to stop by and see your mom. I too wish I had someone other than me to fill in from time to time.

I spoke with my mom today about going to her sister's house tomorrow for dinner. She does not want to go and I am absolutely fine with that. A peaceful dinner without the complaining monster. I was willing to do it for Him, but I am thankful to Him for keeping her home so I can enjoy the day. While on the phone with her she proceeded to tell me why she couldn't go...different reasons kept coming out of her mouth. I then said, "let me know if you change your mind" oh boy here it came, "change my mind?!!" How am I supposed to change my mind. I have told you I can't go and you keep asking... so, then I said, "ok, mom, I won't ask anymore--this was in a kind voice. She then said, "Fine!! Do what you want"---then hung up the phone. Ha Ha! I stood for a minute and looked at the phone and then all I could do was laugh. I laughed and thought, she contradicts herself all the time. Didn't want me to ask, but yet gets mad when I quit asking. Whew, no wonder I feel like I have lost my mind sometimes.

CM-Doing the right thing sometimes is hard. If I gave back two fold, my mother would be much more miserable than she is now. She thinks I am hateful to her now, but she really has no idea what it could really be like. We are the ones that have to look back on this one day. I do not want ghost of Christmas past visiting me. Sometimes I think that is what is happening to our mothers. Maybe the skeletons are just too much for them to bare.

Have a great weekend!!!

True, CM, it is about doing our best. A few minutes ago, I got an email notification that my brother stopped by to visit her today. I'm glad that he can at least do this, since it's something that makes me ill to even think about doing myself anymore.

Are we getting too cynical, Looloo?!

I got that wince-making "it's all about giving back" treacle from a florist today - rare outing with mother, getting her hair done and she wanted to buy a gift for my SIL who's looking after her (gulp) next week. Not wanting to spoil the moment, but couldn't help myself pointing out that my mother packed us all off to boarding school from age 8 and if I were giving back I'd have turfed her to residential care six years ago. So no, it is not about giving back, it's about doing your best. Grump. The flowers are pretty though! - she chose a nice arrangement, minimal input from me.

Hi there, just jumping on to say hello! It looks like many had a lovely day yesterday :). I did too. It was just my husband and I, and one friend, who shares custody of her young daughter, who was at her dad's. We had a lovely relaxing day, eating too much, and just hanging out.
After dinner, we watched "The Judge". Did any of you see this movie? Robert Duvall and Robert Downey Jr. It was good, but.... Lol, it personally made me rather sad, especially watching it on a traditional family-centered holiday. The father/son relationship is pretty awful, then, since it's a movie (haha), there is redemption, peace, and love. Sorry if I just blew the whole story! Anyway, I am sadly, too cynical to appreciate that. I compared my situation to the movie story (never a good idea), and was left feeling annoyed, and tempted to ruin the moment for everyone else by saying "Oh, brother!!" Hubby and friend really liked the movie, were very touched by the story, and I was just...feeling nothing, just knowing that I will never have that with my mother, and what a shame.
I woke up today feeling more lighthearted, with a sense that I overcame a slight emotional hurdle, and that felt good.
No shopping for me this weekend! Just enjoying the long weekend :). Hope you all are too!

One Christmas, many years ago, I was short on cash for presents and living in Georgia. So, I baked some goodies, put them in a pretty basket along with a new dish towel and mailed the package to Tennessee. She later told me she thought it was tacky & cheap of me. I was both angry & devastated. Looloo, like you, I would also get my hopes up that our relationship was getting better...only to have those hopes dashed. Again and again and again...I am in GA right now to stay with my sons because aunt & uncle's family is coming in for the holiday and they need the room I stay in.

Seething? No, not really seething. But yes, I would not accept treatment like that from anyone else. Plenty of times, I've given gifts and not received a thank you or any acknowledgement, and I don't feel terribly hurt, but I do decide not to make an effort again. And I definitely feel that the relationship is obviously not all that I thought it was. But I'm not horribly hurt, if that makes sense.
I do wonder what she thinks, and then tell myself I'm wasting energy thinking about it. She probably feels sorry for herself, turning what for anyone else would be a thoughtful gesture into something negative and insulting instead. Nothing I can do about that. Just have to devote my energy and time to more worthwhile things.

You must be seething. It's not the rudeness (though who else would you take that from ?!!), and it's not the rejection even (you must be regrettably used to it), it's the sheer frustration of *what is she thinking???" Honestly, wouldn't you give your right arm to know what chain of thoughts goes through her head when she must be making the conscious decision not to pick up the phone and say "got the flowers thanks."

Next time send her a rope of garlic bulbs.

Well, the flowers I ordered for my mother were to be delivered yesterday. I didn't expect any phone call from her--it's always been her pattern to NOT call and acknowledge or thank me, but sadly, I was a little bit hopeful that she might this time. I know she's still able to pick up the phone, dial a number, even find the number of someone she wants to contact (as evidenced by her calling a plumber last week), and it would have been a courteous thing to do. She didn't raise me to be rude like that. Anyway, nothing. I called the florist and confirmed that it was delivered, and they didn't just leave it on her porch -- she signed for it. A note was enclosed, so there shouldn't be any doubt as to who it was from (unless my name and my husband's name no longer ring any bells, but I don't think she's quite at that point yet).
I feel that awkward combination of feeling a little more liberated, and at the same time, rejected again. It does reinforce my decision to stay away though. When doubts rise up, she never fails to squelch them back down again.
Deep breath -- Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy the good smells in the kitchen, and the company of warm and loving family and friends.

What a wonderful thing to read this morning, Jewel -- thank you! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving :)

Update: Okay, girls. I told my mom about my dad and his next door extravaganza. I didn't tell the whole story, grant it, but I did tell her he bought the house next door to rent or sell. Oh boy what a look. She pointed her finger at me and said, "he will be over to your house everyday". "you won't be able to get rid of him". I tried to reassure her that he knows how I feel about it.--and he does, but he doesn't mind me either. Ha! I didn't tell her until I was getting ready to leave on Sunday so who knows what the conversation will be like tonight when we go for Thanksgiving dinner at her AL. Another dread!! I did go Sunday to visit and it was surprisingly pleasant. If it could be that way more often, then I would go more often. It saddens me to know that I cannot enjoy my own mother.

As most of you know, I have asked the question over and over "why do I keep doing this?" Well, I got my answer on Sunday at church. I have prayed and prayed through this "why?" process. The sermon was about Eutychus when he sat by the window and fell out while Paul was preaching. The minister went on about how he never sat by the window anymore, he sat with Paul. He asked us to think about the window we keep going back to. Of course, my mom came to my mind immediately. He stated to stop going to the window and sit with our Saviour. Then while singing a hymn I was reminded I do it all in His honor. I realized that I do not do it for her and I do not do it for me, (because you know I do not want to) I do it for Him. I do also realize that He does not want me to be miserable and abused. Through this realization, I also remember that I can still walk out at anytime and I do not have to take what she throws at me. But I will tell you that I feel so much better realizing the "why"!!--for me that is. We all do things for different reasons in our lives. We all have different faiths and different spiritual ways that get us through each day. I also believe that each of us are given a different strength from a higher power. My strength that I have been praying for is not the strength that I am given. I still feel weak when it comes to her, but I feel very strong when it comes to Him. May each of you find your strength from your own higher power and go with it.

Last share of the day: I was also reminded today while talking with a collegue, that with every positive there is a negative and vice versa. There is a begining and an end, alpha/omega, ying/yang--you get the point.... So for that, taking care of our parents is a positive thing, but there must be negatives to go along with it. Let's not let the negatives over power our positives in our lives. Let us see the rainbow in the rain. The beautiful flowers we see in the spring/summer would not survive without the rain.--positive/negative. From this day forth, I am going to "try" to see the positives and when she throws ourt her negatives, I am going to do my best to sheild them from my thoughts. Have a great day and have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

My mom was like that. Can you imagine being yelled at because of a little nice normal public kiss when you signed up for your marriage license? Why, oh, why do some people place so much greater value on some phony ideal of dignity and propriety than on nurturing and affection? Glad we are finding ourselves able to change and give hugs and touch and say the "I love you"s out loud!!

Ehhh, it's petty and silly and a waste of energy to think about it, you're right CM. The flowers are a "We won't be visiting for Thanksgiving, but hope you have a lovely holiday and we're thinking fondly of you" gesture.
Yes, my family too -- we never touch, never ever said "I love you", none of that nonsense! But I can do it easily with others. I'm sure we've looked so strange to others over the years, and we were.

Looloo you can't charge her for her own flowers - !!! Well, you can, but it slightly defeats the object doesn't it?! I'd let it go - you've accomplished the bit you wanted, which was to do a nice thing for her. If she doesn't respond, well… you've still done the nice thing. Let her be curmudgeonly if she likes. Are the flowers for a birthday?

I know exactly what you mean about the signing off with love awkwardness. Not with my mother, but I have this with all of my siblings to one extent or another. It's very irritating, actually. I send messages to friends and cousins quite easily with lots of love and kisses, but when it comes to emails and texts to my brothers and sister - hours of dithering putting an x, deleting it again, deciding I sound stroppy, putting in the x, thinking it looks a bit bare, adding xxx, calling myself a massive hypocrite ("what are you doing???"), accidentally deleting the entire text, cursing loudly and then calling them because it's quicker and there are no affectionate conventions to worry about. Phewf.

I have no idea where these emotional walls come from. Another cringe moment is when we're saying goodbye in person. I kiss my brother in law, and my brother's girlfriend, no problem. But we, as in "We" the family, don't touch, ever. So we end up with this odd quadrille where we appear to like our in laws but can't stand one another. Why? How did we get to be most comfortable with a default position of mild hostility? Because clearly we're all normal people who are perfectly capable of basic social skills. What brings us out in a cold sweat at the thought of kissing our siblings?

I think it's very sad. I'd hate my children to be so uneasy with one another. But when I think about trying to change it… can't. Too hard.

I got a decent night's sleep last night, and let all the thoughts about yesterday drift into perspective a little bit. I know it's not hands-on caregiving, but still, it's very stressful, and takes so much out of me -- just trying to be so very conscientious, responsible, prompt, proactive, alert, intuitive. And whatever else. Oh, I forgot -- nice, good-tempered, patient! Lol.
CM, yes, it does reflect her attitude, and my unhappiness and anxiety about her attitude. I am lucky and have worked hard to not be in the position where I'm beholden to her for financial reasons. Her attitude is a sad cycle -- where, even though she's narcissistic and believes she's superior to others, conversely, she also believes that there's no reason for a relationship if some practical purpose isn't being served. With me (probably because I'm the child, she's the parent), she thinks it's money related. And I've mentioned before how everything with her feels like a transaction. You can't just DO something with no ulterior motive, or expectation of something.
Anyway, I ordered a nice bouquet of flowers to be delivered to her next Tuesday, and signed "Love, D and A...." A few months ago, when I had new shoes delivered to her, I couldn't manage to add the word "love", but now I can (after thinking about it in a Buddhist 'metta' kind of way--you know, loving everyone/everything because we're all connected, so how could you not?). It doesn't actually reflect particularly warm feelings for her though, I must say.
I will wait and see if she acknowledges them with a phone call. I've seen evidence within the last week that she is still quite capable of taking the initiative and making a phone call if she wants/needs to (she managed to call a plumber last week and handle that--I double checked by calling the plumber myself after I saw the check clear online). So, if I receive a phone call, that would great, but I'm not betting on it. And if not -- well, then I'm thinking that reimbursing myself for the flowers wouldn't be the worst thing.

So you're folding your arms and thinking "humph!", Looloo? I don't blame you. In our darker years I used to feel like that when people complimented me on how utterly charming my son is. [thinks grumpily] "Well not with me he isn't…"

I am not a Freudian, but I'm sure my psychotherapist friend would call that dream a classic. I think it almost certainly reflects your anxiety about your mother's attitude rather than your innermost secret desire to pinch her money, don't you?

How nice to be able to heave a sigh of relief that your mother's getting on well with this carer. Umm. Not to cast a shadow, but don't get too comfortable about it, will you? - I hope not, but she might be biding her time…

Well... I'm sitting here at my desk, smiling. Mostly smiling. I'm a little smug too. And, a little hard on myself of course, and confused, because what would this journey be without confusion.
I scheduled a short phone update with my mother's home care person, and she called me this morning after finishing up with my mother. Maybe I'm naturally anxious, and maybe it's because it's mom-related, but I prepared for the 10-minute casual phone conversation several days in advance, writing out my questions (in yes/no, check/not check format -- because I'm anal that way, lol), making mental notes to myself, and so on. Last night, I had trouble sleeping, and had my usual stress-themed dreams (this one was about how I completely accidentally arrived home with my mother's purse, and she told me how it was an example of what I "really cared about", which is her money of course). I woke up with feelings of self doubt, wondering sadly if she was right? Because otherwise, why would I dream that??? Ugh. My mind is my own worst enemy sometimes.
Anyway, her care person called me right on time, answered all my questions, and left me feeling reassured and confident that my mother is doing as well as can be expected -- maybe even a little better in some ways.
This is the part where I felt smug -- the care person mentioned how she solved my mother's problem of her keys going missing, and described her solution, which was a very good one. What is such a strange coincidence, because the nosy neighbor had emailed me maybe a month or more ago, describing the exact same scenario, and explained to me how SHE solved the problem, and how great it was working out. I couldn't keep such juicy news to myself, so I mentioned it to the care person (I had asked her in the course of the phone call if she had much interaction with this neighbor, and was happy to hear that she had only spoken to her twice in the 5 months she's been working for my mother). She laughed and said, "Ohhh, okay!!!!" I felt so vindicated, even though it was such a little thing.
And, I asked about my mother's general mood, and she said she's pretty cheerful, and getting to be warmer, more conversational, and so on. I was truly happy to hear that, but I did feel a little down, knowing that she is just not that way with me. I related the whole conversation to my husband, and he said "well, isn't she usually pretty cheerful?" I said "Not when it's just me there. When it's just me, she's down in the dumps."
So, the phone call was a success on may fronts. My mother is doing well, it sounds like the leve of care she's getting is appropriate for now, and I have confidence in her home care person. I don't think I can ask for anything more! Christmas has come early :)

Looloo: The holidays are always a good time to second guess ourselves. Our guilt comes in to play. The time of year we are supposed to "love" everyone unconditionally and be at peace with our lives. Is this real or is it a dream we all have? Who knows the real answer, but no matter what time of year it is, we need to do what works best for us at this time.--even though it is Thanksgiving and Christmas. Hang in there, you will get through it. I know that you have consciously made this decision based on her actions and how it affects you. It is the right thing when we choose to do this out of protecting ourselves and not out of anger.

My visit today was short and sweet.--sweet?, maybe not, but I was in and out in 30 min. She started crying as usual but about her mom and dad. Her mom died this time last year and her dad has been gone over 20 years. Now she is feeling remorse for all the meanness she put forth on her mom too. She told me she wished she hadn't sold her house, she would have taken her mom home with her and taken care of her--NO, she wouldn't either, because she was retired for 5 years and never once offered to bring her home with her. That is just a guilt tactic toward me. She said I had no idea what it was like to not have a mom and dad. I told her no, but I was very thankful I had both still with me...she just looked at me, because she hates it when I am thankful for my dad. The next issue is to tell her about my dad and this elephant next door.

Thanksgiving?!? What will I do with my mom? Today, I have no idea. I did offer that she could go with us what ever we chose to do. She just snarled her nose and said she didn't feel like it--that is a week away and she already doesn't feel like it. They are having dinner on Tuesday at the AL so I assume we will go there with her. I know it is terrible, but I would rather not. I guess I feel like that is the "right" thing to do as a daughter.--well, her daughter. She definitely has a way like I have said, to make you feel that way. How does one do that? I cannot seem to break the spell.

One more week, then three more weeks. The first of the year is around the corner. We can do this!!