Is it normal she's so negative?

Good morning everyone. Jewel, glad you said the visit went well, but it sounds dreadful to me. Do you have any plans for how you'll handle your mother during Thanksgiving? Hope you have a really nice time with your family and friends, and let your mother feel miserable if that is what she chooses.
The past few weeks have been relatively drama free, but for some reason, it has been difficult mentally/emotionally/whatever, lol -- to make peace with my decision to not call my mother at all over the holidays. Last year, there was so much crazy going on, and a lot of pain, and so when I didn't go down for Thanksgiving then, it felt like simply "calling in sick" -- it wasn't a conscious decision to keep contact to the absolute bare minimum, like it is now. So I've been running my conscience ragged, making sure I'm doing the right thing, it's not out of anger, it probably won't even be a blip on her radar at this point, and so on. It's still not easy, being the first holiday season that I'm implementing this. I definitely feel that, on the day after Thanksgiving, I'll feel like I've crossed a hurdle and can move forward again. Hope so! :)

Hope everyone is doing well. We had a snow day from school. Brrr! I do not like winter, but I will take a day off from work. Went to visit mom on Sunday and my daughter went with me. The visit went well but she didn't like that we were leaving after two and half hours. I have to go again tomorrow after work to refill some medicines. She told my daughter that I am just in and out when I come. She also told her she wants to buy a house and I won't let her. Ha ha. She is right for sure. I have sold one house for her and I am not going to go through that again. I am the bad guy ya know? Not happy she has someone to care for her, just nursing her anger and her grudges. She will never be happy as long as the nursing continues.

I am glad there are no major issues going on, next week (Thanksgiving) will surely bring drama from mama.

Enjoying the peace--hope you are too.

Hugs to you Looloo. This too will pass - and I hope without anything too ghastly happening to your mother. Something like a WW1 "blighty" - serious enough to scupper her donations, but no lasting damage :)

Hi everyone, it's Friday :). I'm very drained today. We have had a stressful week at work, preparing for an audit, which occurs every few years and we handle just fine -- but we're still freaking out a bit as we get everything together. I came in super early today, and will probably stay late.
Also, I didn't sleep very well last night. I had a weird dream about my dad, and I couldn't get back to sleep. Sigh.... now, I'm melancholy. I love that word, it describes my mood without sounding all clinical, hee hee.
And I'm a little jittery from too much coffee. AND, when I checked my email this morning, I noticed yet another credit card donation that my mother made over the phone, and this one was really over-the-top NOT OK. So I'm disputing it with the credit card company, since I've already tried to contact this "charity" (it's a scam, really) and have my mother's info deleted from their database, and all I get is voice mail.
It sounds terrible, but I really wish that she would have a medical "event" soon, because that is the only thing that will get her into AL or memory care. She does something alarming, seemingly every few days now, but it's all related to spending, and that's not enough. I'm so tired right now.

looloo: I am so ready to have those types of holidays. Peaceful and drama free. Everyone else in the family brings me joy at the holidays and no dread anywhere except for my mom and her drama. I am happy for you to spend the time with your husband and your watchful dog, of course... :-) Do enjoy every minute!!

Not sure our plans on Thanksgiving day, for my aunt is having dinner over the weekend. My inlaws usually go to a local restaurant for Thanksgiving--she is not much of a cook, ha! We may go with them or something I have wanted to do for years--serve at a soup kitchen. Not sure yet, these days I have to take each day as I am faced with it. Some days I feel I am just existing and going through the day. I want to feel vibrant and excited about things again. I loved making plans and going through with most of them. As it sits today, my mom takes all that away.--well, her in my head rather.

Thanks for the hope that one day.....

Hi Jewel, glad you're having a peaceful week. It seems like the holidays are on all of our minds now. I just looked at the calendar and reminded myself to send my mother a flower arrangement and have it delivered a day or two before Thanksgiving. I don't expect any response either way. It's just a gesture to demonstrate (mainly to her care giver and to her nosy neighbor, if she happens to see it) that I'm not horrible or neglectful. I do worry about appearances, especially since my mother has a history of speaking badly about me.
I think my husband and I will probably have a very low key holiday at home, which suits me perfectly. We'll cook the turkey on the rotisserie grill outside, with our dog keeping an eye on it as it cooks, lol. And we'll call and/or Skype his parents, sibs, neices, nephews who are all back East. I LOVE not worrying about family obligations over the holidays.

Happy Thursday!

Not much new here...happy, happy, joy, joy! Things are a bit calm and that is how I like it. Mom is still mom and dad is still next door, but it is quiet. My dad has been gone on vacation and it has really been quiet. He will be back soon and I am just enjoying the peace. The day is coming I am going to have to share the news with my mom and I am just building up that armour of courage.

My aunt is carrying on with Thanksgiving since my grandmother has passed. We always went to my grandmother's house--a must, ya know. This year will be different, but we must carrying on with change. I will say this out loud--I really hope my mom decides NOT to go. She has always made it difficult at the holidays--always seeking the attention and gets mad when someone says something that doesn't satisfy her.--then I hear about it for months to come. Now, I know it will even be worse. Egg shells are not easy to walk on after all these years. My patience is growing thin and I am ready for a peaceful holiday without mama drama. In 2012, I had the best Thanksgiving and Christmas than I had in 20 years. Since my parents divorce it has been quite the struggle sharing the days and most of the time my dad got left out so I could keep peace with my mom--why?--I have no clue. These are times I wish I could go back in time and do what I wanted for once. What would she do? Not speak to me?--small blessings. In 2012, my mom was really in the midst of becoming very weak on ill but wouldn't come to my house. I even cooked Christmas dinner at my home thinking she would come over. I got to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family without her interferring. It was so nice. Now that she is back to herself to a big degree, the dread of the holidays is lurking once again. I love to decorate and my kids love the holidays. Therefore, I try to hide how I really feel.

I did call my mom yesterday and she didn't say two word. She was acting weird. When she answered the phone she sound as though she was asleep--which she denied. I tried small talk and she said," this refrigerator sounds like a thrashing machine." She becomes obssessed with sounds. Sunday when I was visiting one of the other ladies mentioned she had to get a new fridge and now guess who's fridge is torn up? I asked her if she had mentioned it to the director and she no, you can. So, I am going to take my time mentioning it. After I said, okay, I will mention it to her. She said, ok, bye. Good enough for me, because I don't like talking to her much anyway.

No gloom here, just sharing what I can't always talk about at home. Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

As for your brother, I am sure he is the beneficiary as well. Then it will probably be what one of you decides I wouldn't think you could take your part on withdraw and he take all of his?!? Not sure how that would work. I definitely would ask for a professional opinion. Maybe come February we can share what we find out.

I took 15 years off from teaching to stay home with my kids. We could do it then, but since I have decided to go back--it is only on a grant though. If school is out, then I don't get paid. My husband sold his business three years ago and agreed to work for the guy who bought it. It has been three years and he gave my husband a pay cut over the summer. He said business was slow..shm! He since then has bought new equipment for the business and bought his wife a mercedes suv.--grr. Business was great when we had it and we did well, but my husband's partner wanted to retire and we didn't want another partner so we sold the business. We have went from a decent income to scraps. He is looking for another job and not having any luck just yet. In the meantime we are struggling to meet our bills. I get so angry at this man who took away the money we needed to survive and used it for his own benefit (not meaning for his bills, but for luxuries) My demons are coming out of the closet, right? Ha ha!! This is why I say three years ago our lives changed drastically. My mom became ill, my husband went from self employed to almost unemployed and it seems to be a spiral down hill. I keep looking upward and forward. I know God has a bigger plan than I have for myself.

Have a great day and you do a great job dealing with all that you do! Our mother's may not give us the credit we deserve or the approval we look for from them, but--job well done!!

Hi Jewel, I'm sorry you're feeling so cynical and down when you first wake up. I feel that way too a lot of the time. I had an anxiety dream last night where I was trying to get an update over the phone from my mother's home care person, and the phone kept cutting out. The dream didn't resolve itself, it just drifted into something else. Anyway, there's always an underlying hum of anxiety coarsing through me, even if for the time being, things appear relatively stable and crisis-free. Probably for you too.
Yes, that's exactly what the article said about the IRA. Learning that was good, but then, I wondered how much duty I have to my brother when the time comes to handle whatever remains in my mother's estate. I mentioned him before. We don't have a relationship really, and that's what I prefer. Anyway, I will probably recommend to him that he speak to a financial pro, and that will be that. He can do whatever he chooses, and the consequences will be his either way.
Yes, sure, we could always use the money -- but luckily, I have steady employment, haven't had any financial disasters thank goodness, and I try to be responsible, so it's ok.
Pardon my language, but it's the life-long and continuous 'head f--k' that has become too much to deal with anymore. There's no such thing as honest, respectful, straightforward ANYTHING when dealing with people like our mothers. Their attitude and behavior just mucks up everything. And yes, I have also paid myself, and it was a very difficult decision to make, but I am glad I did it. I keep such organized and detailed accounts of everything, just in case. I have pretty good organizational skills (I'm an admin assistant), and it has served my mother's needs like you wouldn't believe. But she has always shown such contempt for what I do for a living. It makes me laugh sometimes, how she could never acknowledge my skills or contributions, but has no problem taking advantage of them. A little over a year ago, I handled an international bank transaction for her. It took 4 months to complete (European-time is I think, like "island time", haha), but in the end, she had over $25K transferred into her U.S. account, and the foreign account was closed out. I never would have considered asking for any compensation, so I didn't. And she never offered. She just acted like I didn't do anything all that important. A few months ago, when I was clearing out more old files, I noticed that maybe 5 years ago now, she had tried to begin the process herself, and gave up almost immediately. So, I think part of it was that she would never be gracious enough to give me credit for doing something she wasn't able to do.
Cm -- I didn't say anything about the ring, but yes, that is very sad. Very hard to not let things like that get to you.

Good morning all. I am realizing all these new things in my life are my new "normal". This is a lot to take in. Normal to me is laughing, doing things that make me smile, and loving my family. My new normal is nothing of the sort. I am becoming cynical, negative, hateful, and loosing the smile. While I am at work, I am a teacher, I try really hard to put on a big smile for my students and be the person I once was. I leave work and head home and the embedded doom comes over me. I wake first thing in the mornings with this "oh no" feeling of another day. Then I have to stop myself and thank God for the day. I carry everyone else's problems, as each of you have stated. I make them my own. Ok, big girl panties on...enough pity...Here we go!!! :-)

LooLoo: ESP...the IRA! I was just reading about inheriting IRA"s just the other day because someone brought up to me that It is not always a good thing. You can be taxed greatly on an IRA when your loved one dies and you are the beneficiary. I read that it is best to take the money each year--the amount due to be withdrawn rather than taking a lump sum. The taxes will "eat" up most of the money if you are not careful. I thought that when we inherited an IRA, we got the money free and clear--NO! That is not happening. Ask a CPA about what is the best thing to do. That is on my list of questions for my February appointment with my CPA.

Speaking of your mom taking money that was potentially yours, I do believe we have the same mother! Before we realized my mom had dementia, she was caring for her mother with my aunt. My grandmother had a CD cashed in and shared it between my mom and my aunt for caring for her. I was visiting my grandmother shortly after this and she asked me if I got my money--I assume since I had not thanked her. I played dumb ( I had no idea she gave me any) I said, "was I supposed to get money?" She said, you better check your account because I wrote you a check for $500. She told me since I helped her so much she wanted to give me something. She had me get her check register out and sure enough there was my name and $500. Oh boy, here we go. She told me she gave the check to my mom to give to me. BIG mistake. I could not believe what I was knowing...my mother kept my money that my grandmother gave me. Her true colors were starting to show. This was around Christmas 4 years ago--right before I noticed a huge change. My mom and I went Christmas shopping and I scrambled up the nerve to mention the money because I knew my grandmother would and then my mom would get mad that I didn't tell her. I asked her about the CD--which she knew I knew about, and told her that my grandmother had asked me about my money. You could have blew her over. She looked right at me and said she didn't know anything about it that my aunt took care of the CD and writing the checks.--which was true, but my mom had been given my check which she wasn't telling. She told me she would call my aunt and ask her--shaking my head. A few days later, my mom comes with $500 cash and gives it to me and tells me that was mine and she didn't know. Then she became angry with me, imagine that. Like it was my fault she stole from me. That means she had to forge my name on the back of the check to put it in her account. How sad someone would do that to their own child. She thought I would never know. This was December then in March is when she started showing signs of not being herself. Before that she would constantly ask me if I spent that money. She became obsessed over it. I hope you find out something, because if you are like me, you can use that money.

CM: My heart dropped for you over the ring. People are so selfish and self-centered. They feel entitled to other's belongings. I have all my mom's jewelry. Beautiful rings, but they are locked up because she dares me to wear them. As long as she is living--my hands will be dried up with arthritis by the time she passes, I cannot wear these rings. Selfish is the title to that!! ...and selfish is the SIL who flaunts that ring.

We live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes to the next paycheck. When I see the money that my mom has hoarded back--which is good for her to have to take care of her, I too get sour mouthed because she never offers me a dime. I do have control over it, yes, but it is hers. I do pay myself a few times and feel very guilty for it. One day, ladies, one day we too will be able to live comfortable and purchase that lipstick, perfume, and bask in the sunshine of happiness.

Yes, Cm. It would give me a lot of satisfaction to be able to uncover this convoluted transaction and come up with exactly what happened. I felt strangely disloyal to my mother, wondering if this did indeed happen, was it deliberate? I do feel that, yes, that is a possibility. She never seemed all that "grabby" re-money, but there was one time in my life that she seemed very angry about having to spend money on me (my wedding, which she and my father weren't obligated to contribute towards, but they felt social pressure to, and so they did). Or, was it sadly, the beginning of my mother being unable to handle things, and so this is maybe just a mistake, nothing more (if it even is that at all)? Or was it laziness/self-centerdeness on her part, just assuming that she was the only person my father would bequeath to (again, this is quite possible)? Or, the investment company itself, not dotting the i's and crossing the t's, so that nothing wrong ultimately happened, but it just looks rather questionnable. If it turned out to be no issue at all and everything was handled just as it should have been, I would probably feel a bit ashamed. Aso, I'm in the process of gathering information about the process one goes through to close out an estate, so seeing this made me think about the role of executor, and how much it entails.
Lol, even in non-eventful times, it is still a rather emotional ride.

Very hard to shake a sense of dissatisfaction about that sort of thing, Looloo. It's not the financial loss or gain, it's the correctness of it that rubs. I feel myself going prune-mouthed over a) my grandmother's eternity ring, which for some unexplained reason appears regularly on my SIL's finger humph and I suspect has a good deal to do with her having been cosier with an aunt than my older sister was; and b) some fun premium bonds which were bought for us all as small children and which never got transferred to us when we got to 18. Premium bonds are essentially a government lottery where you never lose your stake - they don't pay interest, but they have a draw once a month and send out prizes. My mother gets a nice little cheque from them every so often, and I think "that's all right, don't mention it." But humph! - I too would like a new lipstick or the odd CD courtesy of the Chancellor of the Exchequer :( Is it worth untangling these things? - I think you're right, probably not.

Hi there again, and Happy Monday to you all :). Jewel, glad the visit went well. Sounds like you're getting more comfortable with setting limits with your mom!
I don't have anything much to add regarding the dilemma about how much or little to be in contact with the ex-whoever they happen to be. It's always awkward, and we never get the full story, which is not always a bad thing. I think, if you have a hunch things will blow over, and that the people involved are basically decent, than it's counterproductive to go silent on them. It's so impractical and invites more complication. Better to give everyone a little space, but not shun anyone. Unless, like I said, that person is scum of the earth. Then, shun away! Lol.
Things have been relatively even keel for me. I think I'm going on 3 weeks now with no contact from Nosy Neighbor. It's wonderful. I have been devoting a good chunk of time to removing my mother's contact info from charity and campaign databases the past month or so. Her over-the-phone donations have begun to increase to the point where it's obvious she doesn't know who she's talking to, how much she's donating, and so on. Sigh...
Also, my husband happened to email me an informative article on what to do if you inherit an IRA (which could happen, since my parents both had/have them). It made me realize I should probably have more info on my mother's accounts than I currently do. As I was going through things online, I noticed something that was a little odd, and even though I don't think I can prove it (and don't really want to obsess that much over it--what's done is done and I'm ok with that), it sort of appears that my mother maybe (??) transfered an account of my father's to herself after he died, that maybe (??) I was the beneficiary on. I did as much pouring over things as I could, and made a few phone calls, but couldn't get any real facts over this transaction that occurred almost 5 years ago. I went through a bunch of emotions that were basically just a very confusing exhausing ball of...I don't even know. I decided to just let things be, be grateful that I'm able to take care of myself financially, and whatever may have transpired is ok as is. I don't like unanswered questions or strange, unexplainable financial things that I'm trying to be responsible for, but... whatever. I'm letting it go, and am grateful to be able to let it go. My curiosity is still there though!

I must look that up in Debrett's, the old "do you stay friends with your ex's family if you got on with them well before the break up" chestnut. We had a long deliberation about Christmas - cards or no cards? Crumbs! - thank goodness they're not at the divorce stage of life yet!!!

Poor little lad. He was I'm sure just trying to do the correct thing, like a nicely brought up young man. Congratulations on your anniversary, too - did you get time to celebrate?

My nephew seems to have separated permanently from his fiancée, such a shame because she's a sweetie-pie. I do sincerely want to know how she's doing, but I daren't contact her because even if she doesn't ascribe any sinister motives to it and just thinks I'm being nice, won't that make her feel worse about not being part of the family any more? Better for her if she just thinks we're all horrible, isn't it?

Actually. We've got enough to worry about without taking on the younger generation too.

That sounds like a really successful Sunday, I'm glad it was better. Maybe you could wear running shoes, too, for the next visit, just in case? :)

It was our anniversary and he sent me a message wishing us a happy anniversary and she thought that was inappropriate. Who knows? Now she is upset with me because I didn't see anything wrong with it. I am going to shut myself up in a room and piss on the rest of the world. Well, actually a room is not a good idea, but the beach is. Ha! She saw it as, he ended things with her but he will go out of his way to speak to me. Maybe she is right, maybe that was rude of him...I am like you, we liked him. He does have some issues he needs to work through before it can work between them. Girl drama is the hardest thing ever. My son on the other hand is dating a girl that was a best friend to his ex...how wrong is that?! Now I see that as wrong, but boys don't think like girls at all--this is also what I try to tell my daughter, boys look at things so different from girls. If this friend of his ex will date her best friends ex then she isn't much of a friend?? Whew, teenagers and young adults, oh and narcissistic mothers..I pray I make it through! Ha! Today I can laugh about it and in 20 years this will be a story to tell. I may just write a book and make some money off of my dysfunction. May as well get some use from it.

Boys look at things very straight forward, I like you and it doesn't matter that you were my ex's friend. The same thing with my daughter--one of her friend's boyfriends has been calling on her, but she will not go out with him for risk of hurting her friend--even though this friend is getting married to someone else. He didn't care to ask her out for he has moved on. Girls just can't seem to move on and get past things...this is even true with me and my mom. Wow, I just had a break through after writing that.

This kids bring their boyfriends/girlfriends home, introduce us, make them a part of our family and then we are supposed to pretend we don't know these people once they are gone. Bull Poops, I must say. When the one hurt her and lied to my face (we loved him as our own) he disappointed us so much then yes, I like to pretend he didn't exist. Learn from your mistakes is what I say.

You know what today is, Sunday, yes, I went to visit my mom. The visit went well, which I thought it would since I stood my ground, but a few times things came up and I didn't make one comment. We eventually ventured to the sitting area where some other ladies came and joined us. This makes the visit so much better when we have company to take away her complaints. One of the ladies did say they didn't like the food there either and my mom gave me that eye..you know the one--"I told you so".. Ha ha. I came home with much better spirit than two weeks ago. I will tell you that I went prepared to walk out at anytime. Instead of leaving my car keys in her apartment, I put the key in my pocket. That way I could walk out without even going to her apartment first. I am learning--slowly, but I am learning. I will always be on guard and ready to take care of me first.

Hope everyone else is having a great weekend with less worries.

Ah. Boyfriend.

You have to give it a bit of time. My youngest (the cactus flower, henceforth CF) split up traumatically from her lovely chap, whom I genuinely liked for himself and had quite a lot of common interests with, except that it was All His Fault and I was disappointed with him. A couple of weeks later, though, when a poet he'd mentioned to me was being interviewed on the radio, I unthinkingly sent him a heads-up text about it at ten to eight in the morning. It wasn't until he hadn't replied for a while that it dawned on me that receiving a text from your very upset ex-girlfriend's mother out of the blue at that time of the morning… He must have crapped himself, couldn't pluck up the nerve to read it until lunchtime. I mean all it said was "Simon Armitage on R4 @ 8:05 x" - but then he wouldn't have known that until he read it, would he. We then had a quick flurry of back and forth texts, he said CF wasn't speaking to him, I said I was sorry about that but I had to stop there or she wouldn't be speaking to me either. Water has passed under the bridge, and she certainly has contact with his parents and sister now (they'd all got very fond of one another), but I still feel that he has to be on my Disapproved list. Then again, being a well brought up young man, I don't think he'd expect any different. What was your daughter's boyfriend thinking, going over her head to you on FB like that? Bad form!

CM: That is a perfect way to put it. I am very proud that my daughter has the "guts" to move on and be like, oh well! I have tried to teach her not to take crap from people like I have. She knows I try to be the peace maker and I despise confrontation. I like everyone to like each other and be ok with things. I see the perfect world as you liking me for who I am and vice versa. It was the same way when my mother fell out with her dad's side of the family--because her mother did, and then in turn I am not allowed to talk to them either. STUPIDITY is what that is. Maybe that side of the family knows who is causing the trouble, ya think? It is all silly in my mind. Do I get upset with people and don't want to talk to them? ABSOLUTELY. My inlaws treat us as though we are outsiders. We are the last ones to know anything and then they get mad because we can't attend--go figure. I get so mad at them, but guess what? When my MIL was sick last Christmas, who was there cooking dinner and getting everything ready? You guessed it, me! I ddin't mind. I put all the other things out of my mind and went on. I have to say though, she does treat me to my face better than my own mother. My mother even thinks because my dad hurt her that we aren't supposed to have anything to do with him either. Drama, drama. I am sick of the drama. My life was so calm up until about 5 years ago when my mom started becoming ill. The last three years have been a true H*ll on earth. Back to my daughter. She is 23 and this is about an ex-boyfriend. They went their separate ways and he reached out to me on FB. She became very mad about this because she thinks when you are done you're done and that means family too. I didn't see it as a threat as she did, but I am trying to respect her feelings as well. The last boyfriend she had hurt her really bad, they were talking about getting married and all of a sudden he is cheating on her--I found out and boy did I let him have it. He lied to my face about it, blah blah. Now, if that boyfriend speaks to me then I will have something to say about it. I did use that as an example to her, but she didn't see that it was any different. She has been hurt really bad and is having a hard time getting over it. There could be something she is not disclosing to me about this ex. Who knows. I try not to get in the middle unless she asks me for my opinion. She became mad at me because she thinks I am taking his side, and I am not. I like to see both sides, but of course, no matter what she is my daughter and her side is what I will choose.

Hopefully, her being young, she will see as she matures that all this is silly. Time will heal her pain. She is a very wise young lady, smart, and takes leaps of faith that I would have never taken.

Thank you for helping me see that the world is not as perfect as I would like it to be. If she brings this up again, I will sit her down and talk to her. She is a pretty good listener. Right now she is at college and it was just a phone conversation. She takes in consideration what I say to her, hopefully it will sink in and she can get over all this anger and confusion about how relationships are supposed to be.

vstefans: How ironic is it that you mentioned homeless shelter. Actually today, my daughter went to a soup kitchen to cook and to serve food to the homeless. We have also discussed doing this for Thanksgiving. Even though she carries so many of my qualities, giving and helping others, when it comes to her own relationships she burns bridges like my mom does. I am not saying that I want to burn a bridge between me and my mom for her torturing me with her control, but I am trying to show my children that family matters. Maybe I am showing them that it is ok to take what is not deserved. I am so confused right now. I am supposed to be in the best part of my life--besides when they were little. I am supposed to be enjoying these last few years with my children then off enjoying the rest of my life with my husband and my extended family. It is not working out as planned or how it was supposed to be. My mom has once more caused friction in this life of mine.

Sandwich generation was not on my agenda. The past three years has taken a toll on my family. We have all had to make decisions around my mom. I have been missing a huge part of my children's lives and I have not been here to take control of my own household. I am losing charge of what means the most to me.
I don't mean control and charge as my mom means control and charge. Our momentum as a family has been severely changed. What we knew as a family has been altered and it is causing havoc.

The duty to love is real, when we are torn down and tortured by the control from another is not ok. Sending mixed signals in this household is what is going on. I talk to her about how it is not ok to take what someone else dishes out, but yet I still do--I am taking it from my mom. She continues to hurt me and I keep going back for more. What a web we weave.

Jewel, I don't mean to be cynical but your daughter isn't only behaving like your mother. She's behaving like… oo crumbs, I don't know… ?three quarters of the population? "My enemy's friend…" It's the kind of thing I associate with my daughters' school friends and it used to drive me up the wall. It leads to an awful lot of bullying and victimisation, that horrible gang code of who you may and may not be friends with.

I agree it is more common, and more marked, among hem-hem the more narcissistically minded types. My MIL - gosh I've only just remembered this and now I'm laughing about it - fell out nuclear-style with her mother's family years ago. We were all forbidden to have any contact with them. Being separated from my husband by then, and very fond of of his great-aunt, I ignored the dictat - but none of my MIL's own children did. They missed weddings, christenings, even (I was really displeased about this) their great uncle's funeral. It was ridiculous. It was also not even up for discussion. Bonkers.

Be that as it may. I've forgotten how old your daughter is? - but the chances are it's a hangover from adolescence; and actually the maternal thing for you to do, if you think it's worth the trouble, is to correct this behaviour in her. It is a form of tribalism that fosters conflict and wants stamping out.

There can be exceptions. If the person your daughter's fallen out with has actually done something to deserve it, it's a bit different - you can at least allow yourself a cooling of relations. And I must admit there is one child in particular, although she must now be a grown woman in her late twenties, who I would gladly poke in the eye and I couldn't care less that my daughter has long ago forgiven her. It's a matter of being clear that should it ever come to sides, then of course you're on her side, but that in general sides have nothing to do with it and you ain't picking.

The principle of the thing - that "I'm not friends with so-and-so any more so you're not allowed to be either" refrain - is just not okay. You certainly shouldn't ever feel you have to go behind her back about anything - who's the best judge of what's right and wrong for you to do, you or her? Stick to your guns. I know how it feels "sharper than a serpent's tooth" to have your child accusing you, but you still need to tell her what's right.

And you can tell her from me that you get enough shoving around from your mother! It is NOT her turn!!!

I think you might be suffering from Nice Person Syndrome a bit, you know. Less good people swan around the place not worrying about it, sometimes thoroughly enjoying a good grievance and rolling up their sleeves when it comes to an argument. Gentle and patient people, like you, because you care about the people you love, feel everything they feel and therefore fear hurting them. Relax, you won't hurt them by telling them the occasional home truth. I know you'd put it nicely anyway.

Tell your daughter that what you need from her is support and kindness, not second-guessing of your way of doing things. If she wants you to cut someone off, she has to have a good, an objectively good, a just reason. Failing that, you'll carry on as you were.

And meanwhile, as far as her feelings go - Oh! - what it is to be so young and certain! Long may she continue to be sure of her own mind :)

Jeweltone, that is one of the sad realities...when children see adults behaving badly and not getting consequences for it, they imitate the behavior. How well can you model that forgiveness not severing of relationships is the answer, as far as humanly possible? Can you openly make peace with someone who you were on the outs with? Could you and your daughter go together to donate things to a homeless shelter and bring home the lesson that sometimes you give people what they need, regardless of their faults, just because we all have a duty of love?

Can you share, just for perspective, what she was upset with you for disclosing?Does she know that being mad is OK, but cutting people out of your life and judging them harshly, especially if you judge them more harshly than you would judge yourself, is not so OK? And you are MOM - you can't let her hold whatever it is over you to look down at you about forever...maybe the weakness you feel is guilt, and feeling unable to make course corrections for your daughter because your imperfections and inability to be everything to everyone in this situation is looming larger than life.

Being sandwich generation is hard enough without seeing the future trying to go the way of the past on top of it...

Today is Saturday and I have spent the day cleaning and not worrying about "her". I did call her and asked her about her eye. I told her I would come Sunday to bring her medicine from the pharmacy and asked if she needed anything else. Of course not. She was all sulky and brief. I did get a text from the beautician and she told me my mom came over Friday and asked her to do her hair again. My mom is sticking to what she told me, I wish I could stick to mine. Oh well, I am prepared to walk out tomorrow though if she gets started again. I will NOT let her get to me anymore. I will leave again and again.

One other thing I am really worrying about. I am so afraid my daughter is so much like my mom. I see so many characteristics of my mom passed on to my daughter. One example: When my mom is done with someone, whether it be friend or family, then she thinks you should be too. She thinks because she is my mother then I shouldn't talk to them anymore because she doesn't. I am seeing this in my daughter. Without going in to detail, she is doing me the same way. She thinks because she doesn't talk to someone anymore then I shouldn't either. She feels that I am going against her and hurting her. I wouldn't hurt her for anything. Something came up today and I almost didn't tell her about it, but I decided to and she got really mad at me over it. I feel like I am living with my mother all over again. The stress just keeps growing.

I feel like Job in the Bible sometimes. I am trying to keep my faith through all this. It is tough at times. When I go back and read my other posts--way back, I see how much more strong I was getting and now I feel weaker than I did in the beginning.

I am trying not to have any self pity, that is not what I am after, but I can see how someone can sit in self pity wondering why this is happening to them. Living life for yourself is very difficult because you can run the risk of loosing so many people in your life.--maybe that is not a bad thing in certain circumstances. Trying to figure it all out and wearing myself out!!!

I read something yesterday that made so much sense--It goes with your statement of it takes time to undo what took years to create. My reading from yesterday explained how we notice the narcissism much more clear after a parent begins the aging process. It becomes more apparent as the "mask" becomes more transparent. Friends (if they had friends) are gone, family members are starting to distant themselves finally from the madness and the aging narcissistic parent doesn't have anyone to "hide" behind. The truth starts to unveil and this causes a rise in their anger, frustration and many other things. They start losing the control that kept the mask on. This was such an eye opener for me. I have struggled with my mom being so mad at me all the time.-saying hurtful things that made me feel guilty. The guilt is what keeps her in control, it keeps the mask on. The dementia is just a small part of my mom right now and she is struggling herself with all the changes which also causes the anger and frustration.

What to do with all this information that I have? I am trying to process it and make decisions based on what I am learning new everyday. Something that I have always known and realize is that life is too short to be so miserable. My life is getting shorter with each passing day and I pray for less torture. I can feel it lifting and I have faith that will will dissipate. I hope sooner than later. Detaching is key and having no contact is a possibility. What will I do this weekend? I do not have the answer for that yet and will take it as it comes. If she doesn't talk to me? That is okay, that may be the answered prayer. Loving life is what I used to do and what I hope to do again. I never thought I would ever be "here" at this point of my life this soon, but I knew that my mom controlled me and breaking free is a very slow process.

Thank you for reading and giving hope where hope is due.

jewel, it isn't easy and takes time to undo what took years to create. I am sad for the situation but not sad that I no longer see or talk to her. Self-preservation!

butterfly: I really want to break free and I am working toward that. Even if breaking free means I just detach and don't let her bother me anymore. I hope to break free for good and be done with the madness, the pouting, demeaning, derogatory statements. Be thankful you were able to do it. I know it had to liberating.

baBalou: I am the one who arranges her meds. It's only me. AL facilities do not do their meds being they do not have nurses like a NH.

Jewel, let your mom's doc talk to whoever is arranging her meds these days ( not you) about medication changes.

I broke free from mine almost a year ago. I am so glad I did. This time it is for good...no going back. I feel it inside myself that NEVER again will I have a d**n thing to do with her.

Today was the eye doctor appointment. I got there to do her pills and guess what? She did her own pills!! What? You say. Yes, she did her own freaking pill box!! This woman that has depended so much on me and has caused havoc in my life, fixed her own darn pills. I did not look at them too closely, didn't want to open a can of worms, so I put them quickly back in the cabinet. This is a ploy to "show me" that she can do things for herself.--like live alone.

Awkward silence filled the air today as we waited for the time to go. She didn't say a word, not one word to me. I tried to spark conversation, but it didn't work. I could feel the tension and the pouting. She is back to her normal self. I think it was Judda that mentioned about hydrating them and to be careful how we hydrate. We hydrated her back to the "old" self. I am now confused at her illness. Is she really as sick as I thought or is she just better. How do they get better when diagnosed with dementia? I do still see the confusion, but she even remembered her social security number today at the appointment. I was filling out papers and asked her for it--because I don't have it memorized, she blurted it out like a phone number.--but in another sense, she didn't remember her mother having glaucoma and it was about three years ago.

She talked to the girl that went with us and she talked to the doctor, but didn't say a word to me other than answer my questions or have a smirky comment to my "conversation". She even smiled and laughed at the doctor--he is the best eye doctor around--smart, funny and a GREAT outlook on life. He stated she had a floater (duh, I think I told her that, but it wasn't good enough, of course, it came from the no good daughter that doesn't know anything) She kept asking several times what it meant and what to do about it.--she will be confused about it for a while. She understands there isn't anything he can do for it. He said to her, but I took in what he said, "Let's not worry about what we can't do today, do not worry about things that we cannot control". I had to look twice because I thought he was talking to me. He told her to put it out of her mind and don't worry about what we cannot change. WOW! I wish I had his outlook.--I used to honestly until I had to start dealing with her on a regular basis. Before she became ill, I didn't deal with her as much so I could have peace in between calls and visits. Now, it is a daily thing. Who knew it could be so daunting?!

After finishing at the appointment, I drove her back and the girl met us at the door. I told my mom I had to go back to work and I would let her walk her back in. She wouldn't even look up at me, I asked for a hug and she barely hugged me. She is SO mad. Ha! How sad to choose to live your life so miserable. It also amazes me that a parent can be so mad at a child like that. I, as a parent, do get upset with my children, but it is more about choices they make and trying to guide them--NOT because they don't do enough for me. This is not about me, but my mom makes it about her. Narcississtic!!! As I looked at her today while in the room at the doctor, with her head turned away from me the entire time, I realized how she really is. I noticed this sad, pathetic, angry, pouty, woe is me, narcississtic person that I call mom. Not one time does it occur to her that I do for her and take care of her needs and make sure that she is safe. She only sees me as a nuisance, but yet someone that should be doing more. I can see how she doesn't really love, she just needs and takes.

Speaking of doctors--uugh!! I called yesterday to see if they could up her dosage on her anxiety medicine. I was hoping this might help with the attitude. I explained to them that I cannot add another medicine to the pill box or she won't take it. No changes. She said she understood. Well, they called today and had already called in two new medicines and LOWERED the dosage of her anxiety medicine. What the heck!! I called them back and told them to just not change anything. GRR! Now they have screwed it all up. They haven't called me back. I don't think they really listen when you tell them what is going on. Vent over!! Ha!

One last thing on my list of to do: Get an appointment with a counselor to get the ball rolling back to a good healthy mind. I do NOT want to be afraid of my mother any more!! I want to break free from the fear.

Jewel I love that last line, so true

Sandwich--I do have a "plan". I figure in 15 years, my mom with be 84 and out of money. At this time it will be appropriate to put her in the NH. Then she will qualify for medicaid being she will be broke.--and I will still be broke Ha! That is okay because there isn't enough money to pay me to take her in full time. I do take peace in knowing I didn't do that. I also have a back up plan for pill box if I need to do so. A lady that used to stay with her has offered to go once a week if I need her to. She can go to the grocery and do the pills. She would be reasonable as far as pricing. Once all the elections are over--tomorrow--thank goodness, I am working on a plan for our state to take part in a voucher that 35 other states have taken part in. This voucher would help pay for AL if a person qualifies rather than the expense of a NH. So HOPEFULLY, this plan will work out and my mom won't have to move at all. She can stay at the AL with medicaid helping pay for that when she is out of money instead of NH. Not to say that she will not need NH care by then, but, the way she is going; she will be just as physically healthy as she is now. Her genes are against me, LOL!! This will take much time and effort, but I am working diligently on this project. It will benefit so many, not just my mom.

I survived last week and the weekend! YAY! After work today I called the dreaded lady. She did NOT answer my call. I laughed out loud thinking about her pouting in her apartment looking at my phone number come across her caller id. How childish!!? Do you see what I mean? I thought, fine, missy, you just sit there and sulk. I waited about an hour and called back. Still did not answer. An hour later, I had decided if she didn't answer this time, I was telling the director they could just take her. Well, she decided to answer the phone. (in a low, depressed voice, helloo) I cut straight to the chase. I didn't even say hello or how are ya, or anything. I just said, "I made you an eye doctor appointment for tomorrow and I will call the director and get someone to go with us to help." "you appointment is at 12:45 and I will take my lunch at that time and after your appointment, I will go back to work". SILENCE!!!

Mom: hmmm, tomorrow?
Me: yes, tomorrow
mom: I don't know what to do
me: let me know
mom: no one can go to help it's too much trouble
me: no, it's not, they will help
mom: I don't know what to do
me: I will tell you what, I will call the director and tell her we need help, then I will call you tomorrow to make sure you will still go.
mom: alright then
me: okay, bye talk to you tomorrow
mom: bye

YAY!!! I got off the phone and called the director and left the rest up to her.
I will go do a pill box to last another week and get my mom to the doctor, then get the heck out of dodge. Another successful week. I have been less stressed this week and it felt so good. I want that feeling all the time--at least away from this situation. After talking to the director let me tell you what really peeves me off about my mom, maybe you all can relate. I asked her how my mom had been this week being I didn't call or go see her. She told me that my mom got dressed the other day and came out for trick or treaters. Oh, really?! She acts like to me she is the most miserable woman that lives on earth. She wont get dressed, she sits with a sulky face the whole time and complains. I am glad she had a good time, I want her to do that. I just wish I could enjoy that with her, but it is NEVER going to happen, because she will NEVER want me to see her enjoy herself. She wants me to live miserable as she makes me think she is.

Looloo: Good job trying to get through to the neighbor. Hopefully she will get the hint, or not.

Thought for the day: If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results. (I pray for courage to change)

Hi everyone, happy Monday! This morning, I was scanning the letter from my mother's doctor so I have an e-copy of it, and as I was saving it, I noticed another matter I had taken care of for her (a tax error), almost 2 years ago. So, we're coming up on 2 years of my beginning to take over her affairs, with this past year being all matters. Today, I will also be handling one small thing for her IRA, and will try to schedule her appointment with the second neurologist.
Sandwich -- if my mother doesn't agree to go see this doc (it's the second referral now, since she refuses to see the previous one), then I'm with you! No more wasting everyone's time, trying and trying again.
It's been almost 2 weeks since I've heard from her annoying neighbor, which is great. Hope it keeps up. Maybe 3 weeks ago, I collected my thoughts and responded to her previous onslaught of questions, and also let her know (pretty clearly, I thought) that her anxiety was overwhelming, that her questions and concerns continued to focus on things that I had no control over and that were outside her scope of responsibility (I was trying to say in a diplomatic way that she was being a pot-stirring nosy-body), and that I thought it was time for her to 'step back'. About 8 days passed, with no response, but then she emailed me, and didn't seem to register anything I'd said. Again with too many questions, too much prying, too much angsting, and more than a little implying that I wasn't doing enough. All I could think of to do was to wait to respond, and then I just very curtly answered the 1 or 2 questions that I felt weren't too instrusive. I didn't pad the email with any niceties, and didn't sign off by saying "thanks" or "have a wonderful week." So, maybe this will do the trick? I'm afraid to be too hopeful. But I really do NOT want to hear from her at all.
I didn't know there was such a thing as a CMA! I'm keeping this tip in my pocket in case we need it... :)