Is it normal she's so negative?

I was going to add that it sounds to me like she needs to be in a facility that offers more levels of care so you can step out of the crazy. Are you looking ahead to that, so you have a plan in place? There won't be any big announcements that day has come. You will just be run more ragged and made more and more crazy by the situation. This is me politely ordering you to get it together. She needs to be placed before her need level shoots up like a rocket. Medication management will turn into administration assistance, which turns into help with ADLs, and on and on.

I count my lucky stars every day I could get my mom into a facility that can do it all and handle the insurance/Medicare billing. Not everbody has access to this. I am not willing to run myself ragged, obsess over it, and basically let it ruin my life. We stopped seeing the kidney specialist completely because with all mom's other problems, this wasn't the highest priority.

The geriatric doctors she sees now go onsite, and all testing is done onsite. The nursing staff prepare & administer meds, do blood draws, etc. I would be a basket case if I had to do that myself even after placing her into care. Otherwise, what was the point of going into care?

Jewel - Hire a Certified Medication Aid (CMA) from a local nursing agency to go setup that darn pill box. This should be paid for by your mother's account, not you.

My mother broke a tooth months ago, and refuses to see any dentist. The onsite dentist or my dentist. The only dentist she will agree to is 1800 miles away in NC, and that "ain't happenin". So, she has a broken tooth. It must not cause her pain. When it does, I'm sure she will be willing to let somebody fix it. Or, it will give her an abcess that puts her in the hospital. I don't loose any sleep over it.

Looloo, I hear that same all the time!! "Just explain to her, just tell her" Really? There isn't any explaining anything to a mentally ill person--whether it be dementia, or any other type of mental illness. When someone has had a "normal" life with their parent, they definitely do not understand any of this. About 6 months ago I had to finally call the bank and tell them NOT to give out any information over the phone. My mom was hinting to the caregivers staying in the home with her to help her call and get her balance and a statement. I am not hiding anything, it is just my mom cannot handle her affairs--it has been proven after three house sales and cashing in IRA to pay the difference, then lost more money by just taking what they offered to get out from under the house. Some people have said, why didn't you stop her. OK?! Well, let me tell you, you do not stop a person that has determination and doesn't tell you their every move. Of course, this was 3 years ago, when I finally realized something wasn't right. I did get POA and she hold that over my head every week and she tells her sister to NEVER let her kids have POA. Ha! My mom thinks I can just do what ever I want with her, but that is not what it means. It is frustrating, but just keep plucking along and those type of things will fall in place, loo loo.

It is Sunday at 1:00 and I have not called nor gone to visit my mom. I am praying she doesn't call me. If she does, I plan on not answering. Tomorrow though I do have to call about her eye appointment and then Tuesday go do her pills and get her to the appointment with help from the AL, of course! I am trying not to worry how our conversation will go tomorrow. She may tell me to forget it and cancel her appointment.--then I will! I am NOT going to beg her anymore to be what I need her to be. I realize her dementia makes her say no to everything, but believe me when I say she is better compared to last summer. She is so much like herself again, besides a few minor details. It is hard to differentiate between the dementia and my mom now. When the doctor told me last summer not to let her tell me no, I took it to heart and did things for her anyway and reaped the repercussions. Then the hospice doctor told me not to make her do anything. Ask, then if she says no, say ok and know that you did attempt. So that is the story and I am sticking to it now... :-) When she said go home, I went home. When she says, forget it, I am not going to the eye doctor, then she won;t go. Liberating, that feels good!!!

Hope everyone enjoys their Sunday, I am planning on it.

Njny--you're handling an awful lot, and it sounds like you're doing a great job.
Jewel, that's great that you have an ally in the director! Although I know it shouldn't matter whether or not anyone really understands or believes us, when they do, it's SO, SO nice.
I heard from my mother's doctor's office on Thursday morning. He agreed to provide the letter I requested (simply stating that due to dementia, she can no longer handle her affairs). I had been pushing for this really hard since July, but it's actually been about a year in the making. So many hurdles, one after the other...
Anyway, I asked the nurse if she could fax or email to me. NO, she can't. Why? I have no idea. She offered to mail it (why can it be mailed, but to emailed or faxed??? Who knows, it's a mystery), but I figured that was just tempting fate, so I said I would make the drive and pick it up today. So I did. Left my house at 8 a.m. Traffic was pretty smooth, so got back home at 2 p.m.
I spoke to the guy at the bank yesterday afternoon. I don't expect someone who's not "in the trenches" to really understand dementia, but it still gets frustrating. He said things like, "Can you just explain to her....." Um, NO, I can't.
Is anyone reading about Amanda Bynes? She's the former child/teen actress who is obviously very mentally ill. Very sad. Anyway, her parents have conservatorship, but she was just released from the hospital. She doesn't trust her parents at all, and therefore, her parents are powerless to do anything really. They're in a similar situation to mine--where we get to "wait" for the incident where their daughter ends up having a medical emergency. Why it was decided to release her from the hospital is just beyond me.

Detach.

njny: I am glad you feel some sort of freedom. If you didn't want to spend the night, that is okay. I really wish you could find someone to take the morning shift before work or if not, at least the afternoon shift. A few times a week would be a start. That is one thing I am glad that I do not have to go everyday anymore. Even though I realize this is the trigger to a lot of my mom's anger toward me. She has been mad/angry at me most of my life though. I always do "it" the wrong way--well, not "her" way....which is the wrong way in her mind.

I did get to talk to the director and she agreed they would help me with my mom at the eye doctor. She even offered to bring her to the appointment and meet me so I wouldn't have to go to the AL to get her. After being very excited about that, I realized I have to go do her pills before we go to the appointment. I am NOT going tomorrow to visit. I have made up my mind. She did tell me my mom had a great week--well, I am glad someone did Ha! I have been a nervous wreck all week while my mom is just fine. Of course the narcissist doesn't tell what happens, it would look bad on her, right? I mentioned a few things and the director even told me--knowing me from before--that my mom has tortured me all my life. It is so true and still torturing me even though I have practically given my life to her. I can honestly say that I am NOT trying to torture my mom back or do this as a "punishment" for her. I am trying to protect myself from her mind torturing drama. Am I worried about what will transpire after tomorrow? ABSOLUTELY! I am nervous about what she is going to say to me on Monday when I call her to tell her of her eye appointment. This is probably going to be the start of an ugly battle, but I am armored up and getting prepared. I am sure her car, her money, her things, everything that I am now in charge of will be the topic of conversation. She will find a way to still make me feel worthless.
The director (which is an acquaintance of mine from school) told me it is okay that I don't come and it is okay that I don't make any comments to some of the things that she says. We already sit in awkward silence.

I will be definitely be on my knees tonight for sure praying for strength to help me enjoy tomorrow and not cave in.

Good Morning everyone--it is so hard when we daughters (and sons) give so much of our time and energy and devotion to mothers or fathers who take us for granted. It can be downright exhausting and depleting. A rough week with my mother--taking her to the doctor, leaving work, calling the doctor, pharmacies, errands, cleaning, staying with her, etc. She was really pretty sick with a UTI, even throwing up, so I stayed with her through the day and waited until late evening to see if she was still nauseous. When she had to take her pill, she got nauseated. At 10:30 PM she was still not okay so I said I would stay until she was. She wanted to know if I would spend the night? I said I really didn't want to. I was exhausted and I wanted to get my rest at home and see my husband, but I wouldn't leave her until I knew she was okay. I stayed until 3AM (slept a little) and she was awake then and said she wasn't feeling nauseous anymore and she was walking around feeling better, although not sleeping. I told her I would leave and be back at 7:30, and I was. I started the day with mom, we agreed she was okay after awhile, went to work, and headed straight over to her place after work. Of course, doctor calls, pharmacy calls, errands, etc., continued. I get it--she was sick and needed help. I am pretty much always there for her when she needs it. I am typically over her house twice per day--in the mnorning I let out her dog and feed it so she can rest--and then often stop by after work, plus I see her both days on the weekend. I am the only child, and mny husband is spending tons of time with his mother--

Well, two days after she was on the mend, she called me in the morning, and WHAP! She proceeded to tell me what an awful daughter I was because I didn't tell her I would love to spend the night when she was sick. A good daughter would have done that. She was on a tirade. I went over as always before work and she continued to berate me and attack me for three or four things I said over the years that hurt her--one of them was from when I was 16! I am 62! Anyway, I left for work, and I was down, but I was also proud of myself. I felt more detached this time--not like a scared little girl. This was progress. During the day she called and left a message that she thought about things and realized I do many nice things for her. I appereciated that, but again, I didn't become elated like a little girl when mommy would finally pat me on the head and praise me. This was also progress! Then, when I went to see her, she said how glad she was that we had that "conversation." She asked me if I was glad. I told her that she had said many hurtful things, but I was glad it helped her. She asked didn't it help me? I told her it did not--that I never try to say things that are intentionally hurtful. She said well it was a good thing for both of us because she got rid of much "poison" (she doesn't realize that she sheds her "poison" several times a year at least...) She then told me that she finally realized that we were not the same people--that we were very different. She explained that my birth had been difficult (that story has been told thousands of timnes :-)) and because of it she felt that we were like one person. I have ALWAYS felt as though she would not let me individuate--that I had to fight and scrape for any sense of freedomn. So, this was somewhat enlightening. We shall see if she remembers all of this today, or if she decides I am a pretty worthless--could go either way. But, you know what? I am feeling stronger, at least for now, and it is freeing. I have SO MUCH more work to do, but something seems to be happening to free my spirit a bit. Does this make sense?

Something that has helped me dealing with my mom's dementia is realizing that whatever her feeling is at that moment, that's all she can deal with. If she's in pain, she's always been in pain and no one is doing anything about it, no one ever will and she cries. If she hasn't seen me since last week, it's been "so long since I've seen you", yes, I live nearly two hours away but that isn't something she's comprehending or remembering. It's all about the present moment and if I talk about how she was happy yesterday, yes, she would experience that as contradicting or fussing at her. My mantra is "we can't fix this". We can visit (visits are short) but omg, the hours I spend on the phone arranging, advocating, waiting for calbacks while ting to work and manage a household, etc are excruciating and wearing. Kudos to us all!

Jewel--what's happening?

Yes, looloo. He wrote Angela's Ashes, 'Tis and Teacher Man. I had checked them out at the library...loved them so much I got my own copies from a thrift shop. Same with Jeannette Walls' books...just located & bought them at a used book store. She has a fiction book out but I have not read it.

1butterfly, I haven't read either author's books -- but I've been wanting to read Jeanette Walls' for a while now! Did Frank McCourt write that one, "Angela's Ashes"? Or am I thinking of someone else?

Sorry, TWO memoirs by Jeannette Walls, not 3.

looloo, I also like reading memoirs. Have you read the 3 books by Frank McCourt (now deceased) and the 3 by Jeannette Walls, The Glass Castle and Half-broke Horses? They all are excellent reads.

I benefit from being face to face, in a room, for a 50-minute hour (lol), with an attentive, informed, compassionate person, LISTENING to ME. I don't expect them to have all the answers -- and they don't. But often enough, they have good instincts and some valuable insight.
I think mine takes insurance, but I pay out of pocket. Her rate isn't sky high, and I only go every 3 weeks, so it's manageable now.
Like sandwich said, collecting information in other ways has been enormously helpful for me too, so I've done a lot of that. I began with investigating stress management, which lead to meditative techniques, which lead me as well to Buddhist philosophies. And on I went, exploring from a psych p.o.v. things like family dysfunction, addiction/enabling/co-dependence, NPD, trauma bonding (yes, it's a thing!), and so on. I also really enjoy reading memoirs--mostly of comedians and chefs, for some reason. I have gained a lot, just from reading the viewpoints of people, putting their own lives into perspective.

Therapy doesn't always need to be with a therapist, in an office. I don't have time for that and have really only had one person who actually helped. Bless you Joan, wherever you are.

I have gotten a lot of therapy on my own from books, websites, and support groups like this. Principles of Buddhism really hit it with me, but I am not Buddhist. A lot of the ideas are so helpful. E.g.. healing the Mother Wound.

I'm an information collector by nature anyway, so I'd rather use a book/workbook than meet with a person anyway. I know someone in the field, and yes, therapists can need therapy just as much as their own patients. Finding a good one you click with is work, and you might need to see several people in the process. And good luck with that in the US. If you happen to have coverage, it's probably very limited in what it covers, how many visits, and who you can see. It's not setup for patient convenience, so it's really hard to get started. And who starts therapy when everything is going fine, so you are already "in" with someone when crisis hits?

Jewel, that sequence of events, texting you literally one minute after she'd agreed that you should call her back… to be honest, that would make me suspect she'd texted the wrong person by accident. It's easily done. Maybe someone she wasn't too keen to talk to but didn't want to tell to bog off?

What matters is having a conversation with her, anyway, so don't sweat it. Hope you get hold of her and it proves constructive!

Jewel, the AL director has no way of knowing what's going on in your life or your head anymore than you know about her! You were eating dinner and appropriately asked for a latter time to chat. She arrived home and....maybe she found her husband on the floor unconcious or her child in need of comfort after having a loss at soccer. The point is, we all have to wait our turns from time to time. Your mother gets annoyed with her because she doesn't get her needs attended to immediately. The only folks who get that are infants, and those brought into the er who have airway problems. The rest of us have to take a number and wait a bit.

I tried 2 different therapists. Both was such a struggle. My first therapist was a male. There was absolutely no way was I going to open up to him. Plus he was white Caucasian (inferior complex where I automatically say 'yessir or no ma'am'). I would go to therapy and just sit there. Then try to dig somewhere inside to share - but not too revealing. That only lasted 2 visits.

I told my social worker that I cannot open up to a man. So, she got a female therapist. I was going crazy trying to figure out what we were going to discuss each visit. Most times, whatever homework she gave me, I understood it wrong and did all that homework - wrong. However, I was very comfortable with her that I was able to discuss my childhood - something I never told outside of immediate family. I always thought we had a normal dysfunctional family. (Even though my siblings' spouses thought it was an exaggeration.) But to have my therapist have this look of horror - made me realize how really bad our childhood was. She was amazed that I came out of it normal - not addicted to drugs, alcohol or in prison. This therapist was more into helping us handle our thoughts and reactions to the ones we were caregiving and to our family. But, yes, Jessie, it was such a struggle for each visit - on what to discuss. I didn't last long. I don't think I'm ready for therapy.

Checking things off my list and I got to the director of AL. I texted her earlier and asked her to call me when she wasn't around my mom and had time to talk for a few minutes. I was all prepared to ask for help on Tuesday for the eye appointment--yes, I got that done too, and tell her a bit about what is going on and see how my mom has acted this week with no contact from me. She called me and my husband and I were eating and I told , I would call her back in 15 min. She said that would be great. In less than one (1) minute--no joke, she text me and said, I just got home can I call you tomorrow? UUGGH! I see why my mom gets upset with her sometimes. LOL She knows I NEVER call her or text her--maybe once since March, then she should know I need to talk to her about something. Can you tell I am a bit cynical right now!? People that do not have to live their lives like we do, just do not understand. I wish I were one of those people.-that don't understand.

Called beautician and she agreed to check in on my mom tomorrow and offer to do her hair for her. She agreed NOT to tell her that I called, I pray she sticks to that. She is supposed to text me and let me know how it goes. I pray she does her hair and I won't have to go. Next on the list is the eye doctor and director of AL. I am at work and it makes it difficult to get it all done at once.

Check, Check!!

If only my life were just full of late bills and screeching the tires to get somewhere fast. Maybe it was and I just didn't see it until now, maybe this is what the other stressor is put there for, for me to realize my life was calm before. Looloo I always have something to do, my bills, laundry, grocery, all the "typical" household chores, right? Then added to that is my list of obligations today to hopefully keep me from going to the hell hole this weekend. These things come first, before anything of mine. So no wonder I forgot about the water bill and you forgot your credit card was due. MOTHER first, isn't that the way they like it, Ha ha!! They win either way, even when they don't know they are. I like it for her NOT to know it.
Bittersweet: I almost moved my mom in with me, OH how I am so grateful I didn't. I struggled at first by encouraging AL, but that has been the greatest blessing. I struggle with the guilt from her, but if she lived in my home, I believe I would go to AL. :-) I can only imagine your pain. They are never happy no matter where they are. My aunt moved my 90 year old grandmother in with her, and my grandmother begrudged that and pouted most of her 18 months living with my aunt. She fell last october, broke her hip and passed away after a week in ICU. At least my aunt only had 18 months of the grumbling in her own home, but I don't think I could take a day of it. Three times a week and one day in person is way too much for me. I moved my mom closer to me because she was an hour away and I was traveling 3 times a week back and forth and trying to get my son where he needed to be (he was 12 when all this started). Moving her closer only sounded logical to me, easier in the sense I wouldn't be on the road so much. I am sure you moved your mom in for the same reason. She would be close and you could be home. WRONG ANSWER for both of us. I now realize I could have just traveled less and told her I couldn't come and someone else could have taken care of her. Now she is close and I feel obligated. GRR. If I could move her back, I would!!

Now, back to my list. I only have one thing done and that was for my daughter. Dreading to deal with my mom even though it is for my benefit. Can I just pretend she doesn't exist?--oh yea, I will need to move her out of my head. It is kind of like the musinex commercial where those awful green goblins move in, that is my mom to me.--just had that imagine.

Oh honey, I know how you feel. My b*tch mother has been living with me for 9 years. That woman is NEVER happy. She's 90 and does very well, so don't anyone suggest I put her in a home. Not that I wouldn't love to! She's just a miserable person and she sucks the life and happiness out of me. God, I'm so sorry I allowed her to move in with me. I curse that day.

You're having quite a morning so far, Jewel! Glad the water got turned on, you got the papers, and got to work. Phew!!!
Whenever there's a lull in my day, I often am wondering what it could be that I'm forgetting -- because there MUST be something. It can't just be a slow moment, with nothing in particular to do, haha!
Like you with the water bill, I remembered all of a sudden to pay my credit card bill yesterday. And today is more of the same, trying to get a letter re-my mother's dementia drafted so I can give it to her banker. I've been working on this for a good week now, and it's been nothing but back-and-forth, phone tag. So in another hour or so, I'll call them again. The sooner they give me an answer, the sooner I can stop bugging them. Don't they realize that?

**procrastinating**

Good Mornining Peeps!! Hope everyone slept well and ready to face the day. My long list of to dos are facing me with a long list of other obligations. This is funny, but not really funny. After I dropped my son off at school and on my way to work, I realized I forgot the financial aid papers I needed to scan for my daughter's college. Having a few minutes, I drove back home to get them. While heading down my street I noticed yellow lights flashing in front of my house. As I came closer, I saw a red truck.--then it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was the water company turning off my water. Oh Jeez!! I drove straight passed my house and drove fast to the water company and paid my bill. Drove back up the hill and there they were, turning it back on. Ha! Literally ran in the house, grabbed my papers and drove FAST to get to work. Good Morning to me. :-) I don't let those things stress me out anymore, because they are a quick fix. Well, I wouldn't have let my water get shut off, but now with my mind so full of mom things, I am suffering in other areas. My world is shutting down around me right in front of my face. Girl, get up off that "couch" and get busy putting your life back together---that is what I am telling my procrasting, overwhelmed self.

I am ready for a short, let's solve this problem approach. Get it done. The moments from visiting doctor after doctor for a year trying to figure out the problem to hospice to now has been one big roller coaster ride. I almost feel like I am climbing that hill again. I am ready for this ride to be over.

I pray for each of you and your situations and I am so glad you have found some peace and ways to get through it, I promise, I am not far behind.

Yes, ladies. You have to stay long enough to let down your guard. Yes CBT works, if you want the short "Let's solve this problem" approach. Which is probably the situation most of us are in right now. And CM, if the therapist gets sniffly, you've got someone with very little training.

JessieBelle, I think you hit the nail on the head. Therapists want us to take off our masks. That takes time and effort.

I just thought what the problem might be I have with therapists. They are talking to my "guardian self" -- the one who wards off harm and tries to look normal. They would have to get past the guardian to see the raving lunatic within. :) It would be quite the chore, since I even have a hard time getting past the guardian.

Oh yes, we most certainly are.

Well. Depending on what one's family is like, of course! :)

CBT is the therapy I liked the most while studying counseling. Talking about ironic, hey? Who would have ever thought I would be the one needing therapy. I am supposed to be in the big chair with a tablet. The situation I was in about 17 years ago was one that needed a butt up off the couch and snap out of it kinda deal--I wasn't very far in and that helped me see I was not myself. See, she was the very friend that new I was the one up on my feet first thing in the morning non stop getting everything done by noon.--house cleaned, dinner cooked, kids ready, and helping her through her divorce. My husband worked many, many long hours at that time, I taught full time and we NEVER saw each other. We had more money than time and we were losing sight of who we were--sounds kind of familiar, huh? I was starting to nap during the day, get up late, say no to lunch, movies and other fun things I was the one calling about. She saw it immediately because the change came so fast. She saved me from myself. I had a long talk with my husband and the next summer he gave up some contracts, we had another baby, and I quit my teaching job to stay home. We went from riches to rags..LOL..and was happier than we had ever been. Now I need to be saved from my mother and given back that happy life I truly miss. This is something no one can pull me up off the couch for, this is something I am going to have to hit head on and do. Seeking professional help is my last option. I have tried everything else I have learned. Sometimes we are our own biggest enemies.