Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
Recently I've tried again, not least because I worry about the effect family dynamics could have on my children if/when they get round to sprogging. Also, the good old NHS is under strict governmental orders to take mental health seriously (yeah right) and offer us all a whole raft of therapies. If the population wasn't depressed before it sure is now - how much is this costing?!!! And then you know how it is, you fill in these assessment questionnaires about anxiety and depression and end up screwing it into a ball, lobbing it at the bin and yelling "what part of this is not normal???" I feel anxious about the future never/rarely/sometimes/all the time. I have had thoughts about suicide never/rarely/sometimes/all the time. And then you get the therapies unit calling you up and there's this anxious little voice on the end of the phone saying "your assessment shows that you have quite high levels of anxiety" - you DON'T say. Stone me. Is that right. These people never seem to know how to take deadpan irony, tsk.
As far as I can tell, the mistake many therapists make is reacting. How can you be open if the person you're talking to is going to get all sniffly and sad about it? On the other hand, the get your butt up and snap out of it approach is perhaps not entirely addressing the heart of the matter, Jewel???
The other thing is, depending on what species of therapist you're seeing of course, I find it very hard to define, even loosely, what I expect to achieve, and even harder to get a therapist to tell me what the aim of exercise is. Having said that, if you need to achieve a given objective, oo I don't know, like say "I want not to ruin every Sunday and most of the week before it with literal and metaphorical guilt trips" - hem hem, mentioning no names - then I'd have thought CBT would get you started. Short, focused and effective, if not necessarily very profound.
I don't always have a lot to say. But the time spent always proves to be useful and worthwhile.
BurnedOUt: YES, it is very possible to have PTSD. I can feel depression starting to settle in and I am fighting it so hard. I have been depressed once in my life over a situation and it didn't last long after a friend came and pulled me off the couch, opened my blinds, and told me to get my butt up and snap out of it. I NEVER want to go back there and feel that way again. I didn't even know what was happening, but this time I can feel what is happening. I am usually relatively strong and happy. I encourage you as well to hang in there.
CM, juddah, looloo: I have been silent and she has said, "speak a**, your mouth won't"... I swear she has said these things. No one could make that crap up. It almost makes me laugh to think how stupid she sounds. I guess I get so annoyed at how she wants to hurt me so much. When I ask her, why?, she always turns it around and repeats me, "why you want to hurt ME so much?" --not mocking me, but truly asking me the same question. It is a no win situation.
I have a lot to do tomorrow, I am HAVE to go to work first and foremost, then I need to call the director of AL, call the beautician, call the eye doctor, call a therapist and set up an appointment, and scan and email some financial aid papers to my daughter's college. The day will be over before I can say: Thursday.
Now I want a cheeseburger and fries! Advertising is a powerful thing!
I am no longer my mother's puppy dog. I don't come when called, nor wag my tail just for her selfish eyes. I give what I choose and it is hard to turn off the MommaTrauma Channel but it's a skill that can be learned. Practice makes perfect. The more I can respect myself and have control over me, the more I can choose to give and to respond appropriately when attacked. I don't lash back I just state a case in one short sentence, if that, and then turn my attention to someone or something else.
Mom keeps trying to push my buttons, and drop guilt bombs. I answer with,
"uh-huh, oh that's nice, too bad, right." I don't give her anyway to sink her nails in.
Try it for a day and see how it feels. you get better at it and it lessens HER power over you more and more. It's hard to get free of this brainwashing. We've been brought up with this stuff all mixed in with a normal child's needs for love, support, recognition, and so on. Many of us have had very little of this from our mothers with mental issues. No wonder we struggle! But we don't have to be attached to this familiar situation anymore.
....and I know I DON"T have to. Yes, here comes the but--she is in my head, you don't care about me, why do you treat me this way, leave me up here and never come back, what kind of daughter does that?--she won't be quiet in my head. It is like a tv show or a movie where they keep replaying what someone says over and over. She hasn't called--to no surprise. Which I am glad, because I wasn't going to answer anyway.
I want what you are having if it gives me a bigger backbone. :)
Start here. "I don't have to go." How does that idea feel to you?
That is a great idea. I have tried just about everything else--she will probably just call me a smarta**. I have cut visits down to a minimum now and I think this is another reason she is more angry. Who knows? I have tried to answer for her for 40+ years.
I will say this morning I had a sweet surprise from my husband. I got in the car and he had left me a sweet card.--something he USED to do and it has been a long time. I guess he sees how really distressed I am. It made me feel so good and definitely put a smile on my face.--something my family hasn't seen in a while.
As the week is pushing on, Wednesday already. I am having a hard time deciding how to handle the rest of the week. I plan on calling the beautician and asking her to do my mom's hair but not telling her I called.--just to pop in and offer to do it, like it was my mom's idea from a couple weeks ago. Then make her eye appointment for next week and get help taking her. That is all I think of right now. It will be the weekend visit I am struggling most with.
Have a great rest of your day.
It is funny because once my mom went to a therapist and wouldn't you know it, she found something wrong with them.. lol--therefore she quit going.
I am not offended at all that you asked, that is one more thing on my list I need to prioritize. Thanks for caring enough to ask.
No Guilt? That brings such joy to my heart when I even just say it!
Another UPDATE: As you know, I talked to my dad the other night. I haven't seen him since. I pulled in my driveway after work today and he was at the house working. My first reaction was, smh, there's my dad. Then my next reaction was, who cares what she thinks. Why am I hurting him too in this process? More emotions. I get out of the car and he comes over to my son and I and hugs us and then tells me he is putting a for sale sign in the yard in two weeks after he gets back from his vacation--to Hawaii--yes, really. Ha ha! I wish I were going. Back to the yard sign. I had more emotions--sad, pity, anger, and happy. See I told you my dad was a good person. Why do I do this to him?--it's called mother. He truly understands my concerns because he lived with the devil for 26 years. He knows how she is and he tells me all the time he is sorry and wishes he had stayed to relieve me of all this pain.--heck no, dad, run Forrest run!! I told him to do what ever he wants, that I just needed to voice how I felt and why. I do love him and wish it didn't have to be this way.He told me he understood and he was still moving in and fixing up the house, but the sign would already be in the yard and he could sell it as is, or do more work. I feel like a heel people. My dad is the one who would take a bullet for me and she is the one I keep protecting. I just don't understand.--don't get me wrong, my dad living next door is not a good idea for many reasons, but my main reason is how she makes me feel.
I prayed to God this morning and told him I need him to do something for me NOW! I need Him to show me an answer and give me and my family peace from her. Maybe my dad putting the sign in the yard was the "sign", but I over analyze everything--wonder where I get that?
Love you guys so much for listening. You are the BEST!!
"When someone says you've changed, that just means you have stopped living life their way".... Let us get on that wagon!!!
Jewel, I probably got the idea from my SIL's husband's shining example. He is a lovely, lovely man, the kindest in the world, who coped patiently for years and with no thanks for it with a mother who made Cruella de Vil look like a dalmatian puppy. But every so often, when it's called for, he throws his toys out of the pram and tells everyone to sit down and behave. There are then months and months of whispering behind his back about how tyrannical he is and how put upon - gasp! - my SIL is, but since his own mother used to slander him quite regularly I suppose he's developed a thick enough skin not to let it bother him. It's role play - someone being prepared to be the Villain of the Piece. Your mother, from all you've said about her, is always determined to believe it's you. It wouldn't hurt her not to be so sure about that…
Don't forget, the key thing, what really *matters*, is that your mother will be just fine if you get some time out. Nothing awful will happen to her. Her hysterical reaction to the very idea of it, part and parcel of her treatment of you, is part of a spell she casts on you. But that Doesn't Make Her Right, and it doesn't make it real - in reality, she is being done no harm. What we want to do is get your focus off her so that you stop being hypnotised and frozen by all that FOG that Emjo can tell you all about.
I can nurture myself. I can protect myself. I can empower myself. I do this now. I have been doing it, but was unaware. Now, I do it consciously. I had a great counselor who helped me see this and learn to do it on purpose.
I don't have NEARLY the amount of anxiety, sleeplessness, stress, frustration, and anger I did 6 months ago or even 3 months ago.
I stopped expecting my birth mother to provide anything to me. Not even recognition as a person. That was harder to do than it sounds. These expectations are hard wired. Every time I would get upset, I had to stop and talk myself through it. What is upsetting me, what am I expecting, what am I disappointed about? Then I had to take that list and let those things go. Stop expecting them and stop letting the disappointment run my life.
It's not about going numb necessarily, but being able to take cover when the bombs fall on your head. It takes practice and repetition. I'm not perfect, so this is perfect either.
I have a mental image where I have my kindergarten aged self on my lap. I hug, soothe, and speak lovingly to myself. I rock her and rub her back and tell her everything will be OK. Weird, but it works! I tell Little Me positive things about myself. My counselor had me picture injecting myself with a magic shot of something like Magnificence or Powerfulness, but that image just didn't stick. My anxiety meditation is Big Me comforting Little Me, like a mother & child. Have a glass of wine and keep at it.
Become conscious of where you are holding tension in your body during these times. Practice relaxing these areas on purpose. For me, it's my neck, shoulders, and fists. I open my hands, roll my head, roll my shoulders, and breathe deeply and slowly.
Releasing the expectations will free you from a lot. We are not brought up to work this way, but it can be learned.
I started to feel less pre-anxiety before visits. I no longer have my buttons pushed during visits. I no longer am upset for 3 days straight after visits.
If I've been doing my meditations! The first time I realized I didn't have those awful horrible feelings was really weird.
I realized I had alwasy expected to feel bulldozed, so I had to let that expectation go too.
One thing leads to another. I hope this helps.
I still lie about things that are going on so she doesn't feel sorry for herself more. Sunday, I even tried to say, "oh I dread tomorrow, going to work"--thinking she would say oh, I know. BUT NO!! She said, "would you rather go to work tomorrow, or be cooped up in here all day?" I answered: Actually, I would rather be cooped up in here all day.... she looked so puzzled that I would say that., and said, "oh, really?" with a sarcastic laugh. I said, yes, really. She just doesn't think what it was like to work, take care of her house (keep it perfect), her only child, and have dinner on the table every night. She thinks all I have to do is deal with her. I am still laughing over what she said to the staff Sunday...They came to ask her about dinner. She asked what they were having and they said individual pot pies. She ask, is it made with biscuits? They said they weren't sure, she kept on about the biscuit dough until the girl said, yes, I think it is with biscuit dough. Then here it came...."I don't want any then". They asked her what else she would like and even mentioned a few things. Her answer was no, I don't want anything. After they told her to let them know if she changes her mind, she then said. "I guess I will just starve" Ha ha! Feel sorry for me because I don't like what you have. Oh my. I can only imagine what they deal with on a daily basis from her. It's never good enough. More emmisions of guilt from you know who.
Loo loo: Envy is just as bad as poison. It makes the rest of us lie to keep peace. That's okay though. Last year at this time my husband and I went away for the weekend for our anniversary. This is when I was staying with my mom a lot. I had someone come for the weekend so we could go away. I wasn't going to tell her where I was going or what I was doing, but I decided I would tell her being it was our anniversary. BIG mistake. When I came back the lady staying with her told me that is all she talked about that weekend how I decided to go shack up with that man of mine and how he always takes me away from my mother. Good grief. When I went to stay with her she brought it up several times..."did you have fun while I was cooped up here in this house", "aren't you glad you can get out". "don;'t you see him enough everyday, you live with him?" When she asks these questions it is like she is throwing darts. LOL