Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
If my mom asks about my day or my life it is only for ammunition for later. She also asks me many times, "aren't you glad you can get out and go and do things?"--this is not her being glad for me, that is a guilt question. I have learned to say yes. I used to walk around the question and now I answer her very gladly because I am glad I can get out and do things and that I am not as miserable as she is. God likes a grateful heart. Mine isn't so grateful as much anymore, but I am trying not to lose it completely.
My husband has offered to go see my mom and talk to her, but it wouldn't do any good, she would still see herself as the victim. My daughter is the only one who can talk to her, she has a bigger backbone than me. She hasn't been able to visit with me the past couple of weeks but she told me she would if I go back.
I appreciate your input.
If you really can't face calling your mother, could you enlist your husband? It might be easier for him to call his MIL and tell her that he is putting his foot down because his household needs your undivided attention for the time being, and he is the boss, and it's his say-so. The coward's way out, sure, but if it wins you a guilt-free breathing space then who cares?
I did pretty good yesterday but as the week is going on I am becoming more nervous about how to handle this situation. In my mind I am constantly going over my choices--do I call, do I not? do I go visit on Sunday, do I not? Do I make an eye appointment, do I not? My mind is a bit more free than usual because I am not going over in my head how she talked to me, it is now about my own decisions. I was thinking this morning after reading CJPTenn. When she talks about how her mother hates everything like mine. I was reminded about how my mom has stopped answering her sister's phone calls. Why can she make that choice? She decides she doesn't want to talk to someone then she doesn't. When she wasn't mad at her sister, then she would ask me if I talked to her that she hadn't called her (my mom wouldn't call her though, she is supposed to call my mom) She would go on about how we didn't care about her (my mom) but when decides she isn't going to answer the phone then she does it. If we decided NOT to answer her calls or come visit, then we would be the bad people. Look how we did her, can you believe my daughter and my sister treat me this way? GRRR. Something I didn't think to mention before until now contemplating no contact. My mom stopped talking to her whole family (mother, sister, brother) for about 3 years. She stopped attending Thanksgiving and Christmas. She sent Christmas gifts by me to give out. One year my grandmother cried when she opened the gift and I told my mom that would be the last time I took the gift. I told her she could take it herself or mail it. That story goes on and on for 3 years. Then my grandmother became very ill and I had to call and tell her what was going on. This was in '05..looking back that was about the time we think she was starting to become more ill (in retrospect of course) When I called to tell her my grandmother was in the hospital, she first was silent and then became angry because she knew she would need to go visit. At first she told me, so, I am not going. I told her she may regret it if something happened to her. That made her even angrier and told me not to preach at her, blah blah blah. My grandmother had to have surgery and someone had to sit with her at home or she would go to a nursing home for rehab. My mom did offer to help out. Grant it she worked and I helped out when I could too. My grandmother got better until '07. Same thing, she was getting worse and needed someone to stay with her. My mom retired and took turns with her sister and complained about it all the time. If my aunt needed to switch days my mom would throw a living fit and tell her no. She HAD to stay on that schedule. Now we realize that was the dementia coming on. Long story short...my mom was able to walk away because she was angry, why am I having a hard time walking away just for peace of mind? I am not angry and wanting to walk away, I am just looking for some peace and freedom from a hateful, unappreciative black hole. Also looking back, my mom has used me as the go to and the middle "man" all my life. It has to stop!
If she didn't talk to them, she thought I shouldn't talk to them either. One time she even ask me, "don't you think it is something that my family doesn't talk to me, but they will talk to you?" (well, first of all mother, you stopped talking to them) I told her, if you didn't want to talk to me, does that mean you would stop talking to your grandchildren? Of, course she said no...
Just some thougths today, I am trying to clear my mind. Thanks again for reading.
It helps so much to know how normal this situation is for most of us.
I think I have come up with a plan about the eye doctor.
option 1: Make the appointment for next week and pretend that is a soon as they can take her, then ask one of the staff members to go with me. Take her back to AL and tell her I have to go back to work.
option 2: Make the appointment for next week and let the AL staff take her.
I will make a decision on these options closer to the end of the week. If I take her maybe like Tuesday, I can just do her pills then. She can get out of the bottle for a couple days--won't hurt her.
I also think I am going to call her doctor and see if there isn't something they can give her to keep her in a "daze". something to calm her WAY down and keep her that way. I am truly ready for no contact and I am going to need to find a way to keep her in AL in case she starts getting out of hand there. I do not know what I would do if they were to say she had to leave. She did ask me the other day if she could leave when she wanted and I told her anytime.--this is due to her blaming me for her being there. I want her to think it is her choice.
I am so happy this blog is helping others to see their situation in a different perspective. It has truly helped me open my eyes to all options.
The other mother, where is she. Oh yea, she is a figment of my imagination. I have imagined what it would be like to sit and enjoy conversation without worrying about saying the wrong thing or cooking with my mom --she was an excellent cook!--of course she was, she was perfect. I would love to be able to invite her places but she can't be around others that may take my attention.--it all has to be on her. This reminds me of a friend who lost her husband several years ago to a tragic car crash. They had two little girls and she had a son from a previous marriage. The husband was a cousin to my husband, very nice looking, came from a very wealthy family, but boy was he a brat. We loved him for other reasons, but he was NOT a good husband or father. She wanted to get away from him and his family-they were very controlling over him and her. (money, ya know?) She would say things like, "I wish they would fall off the face of the earth and take him with them" She was so hurt and angry at them and him for so many different things. She tried to keep her family unit together. They were married about 5 years and tragically one night after he left work--his dad's business, he wrecked on the interstate and died. She called us and the guilt that she felt from saying these things. I told her the same thing Sandwich--I told her: "now, you can make him out to be anything you needed him to be for your girls." You can tell them how great he was and make him the way you needed". --they will never know any different. She really felt better after I told her it was okay to make him be the husband and father they needed he is gone and won't be here to prove you wrong. I told her not to feel guilty for he made her feel that way. I try sometimes to make my mom this great mom I needed.--she was great when it came to excellent cook, crafter, organizer, she made a good caregiver when I was sick (i needed her then see), but the narcissistic part of her took over. I have to say it is much worse now than then, but this all brings it back.
My friends don't really understand either because they do not live in this situation. I have a friend that just tells her mom, my other friend has a great relationship with her mom and I do have another friend that kind of understands because her mom is a bit controlling, but she does know her limits. My mother will say stuff like, all I have done for you...yes, she did a lot for me, but all I wanted was for her to be nice and not ridicule me.
Something funny I do have share: I have thought about my mom today and had to laugh. I can visually picture her today in her apartment mad at the world and sulking over me leaving and thinking about how horrible it was for her daughter to treat her that way. Lying in her bed watching tv and pouting. She has probably been a bit hateful to the staff or just the opposite been really nice so no one will know anything even happened. Either or, no in-between. She is probably wanting to revoke my POA, take back her checkbook, and her car. I will be happy to give it all back.
You are correct that my mother is not that forgetful. She remembers more than I ever want her to. She does get confused about things sometimes, but her memory is not that impaired. Just reasoning skills and ability to care for herself. Her mind is good and she is sharp. She first had lost the ability to read and comprehend but yesterday she read a little story to me that one of the other ladies wanted her to read. I will share it below....
I will end here for now:
There were two little brothers that went to a pharmacy and went to the counter with a box of tampons. The pharmacist ask the oldest boy "how old are you", he replied, "I am 11 and he is 4". Oh, said the pharmacist, are you buying these for yourself? The eldest brother said no, they are for him as he pointed to the 4 year old. The pharmacist then asked, "do you know what they are used for?" The older brother stated: Well, we saw on a commercial that if you use these you will be able to ride a bike, swim, and ride a horse and he can't do any of these things so we thought he could give them a try.
Enjoy your evening!!!
I will add that the more often I step away from Mom, the better my relationship gets: I mean it goes from traumatic horrible to bearable. And yes, letting go of the Mother that never was, is the hardest part. I am now sorting out the person I love unconditionally: and I still feel my reactions to her numbing and thoughtless behaviors she does now. I can also see she wants to try to connect but really has no clue! She just always had that missing in her brain: it's called mental illness.
Part of what you might be going through is grief and mourning the Other Mother. That Mom Who Could Have Been, But Will Never Be. A lot of us hang onto this idea as long as possible. That mom is nice, polite, civil, pleasant, sweet even. She is joyful, supportive, and recognizes us for the sacrifices and hard work required from us. She is a dream and was never real anywhere but in our thinking.
At some point in all this, we end up facing the reality that Other Mother never will be. She becomes less and less of a possibility. Even the possibility itself is enough to sustain us for long periods of time despite how mean and looney tunes reality is. But when the possibility fades out, it's really hard. REALLY HARD to deal with. That hope that there could be some tiny little step toward being the Other Mother keeps us coming back over & over again.
Nothing has changed except how we are understanding it, and this difficult realization is normal. It's part of the progression or journey we're on. And it will pass. As hard as it is, you will be left with wisdom not possible any other way. This is like a glacier scraping past, down to the bone. In its wake will be something stronger and magnificent to behold.
Take the time away. You have to give yourself permission to retreat twice as much as you advance. Now is time to retreat and heal. No rehashing. No regret. I suggest looking into some mindfulness meditation. It really helps me get rid of all the noise of what won't ever be and practice protecting myself.
Mourning and letting go of expectation, of disappointment, of hurt, of all the invalidation this situation brings is really important. You will turn a corner and have a new understanding through this.
Everything done from now on is done because it's necessary to maintain mom's safety. It's not done to create happiness for anyone. It's not done because it's expected by other people. It's not done because we have always done it that way. There will be a LOT less to do, and please try to find freedom in that, not disappointment.
It was very strange for me to go from doing EVERYTHING for mom to doing NOTHING in a short period of time. I hated doing everything. I felt like a slave to an angry and capricious woman (because I was). Not doing anything felt wrong. Surely I ought to be over there doing something, even if it's just sitting with her. NO! The realization that I am actually not needed in her life was liberating but very challenging for me to accept after hearing for 43 years that I am the only one who can do X, Y, Z.
I did not get the situation where we can sit calmly together and do a craft or discuss old times. I did not get a mother who is thrilled to see me at all (except that one time when her meds were very high). This is not my fault and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I deal with it by having infrequent, very short visits. Very short- 20 minutes max. And I always take someone with me. It has to be between 10:00-13:00 on a Sunday or not at all. Those are my rules. This is how it goes down to preserve my peace, my tranquility, and my emotional well being.
I am sending thoughts and wishes for calmness and insight to you today.
I considered myself officially no contact for at least 2 months during the summer with my mother, and now, I maintain it by not calling her and not visiting. She did call several weeks or so ago, with a question I tried to explain and answer (but she is so very confused that I doubt I did much good), and the conversation was friction-free. But I was not tempted in any way to begin initiating phone calls and visits, so that's where I'm at now. It's the best place to be for my own sanity, as well as my ability to be as effective as I can managing her care.
You'll just take it day by day; that's how it'll come at you, so that's what you'll do. I bet you'll get a sense of a lot more space around you, and in your head especially! Man, that's a great feeling!!!
This year has been such a turning point for me, dealing with putting in so much more time, effort, and attention to my mother's care, and at the same time letting go of the "relationship" (began w/no more overnight visits, followed by no more visiting at holidays, then no more acknowledging birthdays, for instance -- bit by bit, this all happened this year). I do spend time pondering how best to handle certain things. Like the upcoming holidays. Here's the plan: I'll send her a flower arrangement for Thanksgiving, wishing her a happy Thanksgiving. And NO, no phone call. As far as I can tell, she is still capable of calling ME. And unless she's had a complete personality change, she won't do that, unless she happens to need something from me on Thanksgiving, so that will be that. I will probably do the same on Christmas.
Her level of forgetfullness and confusion is actually making this transition easier in some ways; your mother sounds pretty NON forgetful at this point! But good luck, and remember, you only have to deal with things one day at a time; you're free to do whatever serves YOU, and you can adjust however YOU need. Hugs.
I emphasise safe, because this needs work. You do care about your mother, no good trying not to. You are a normal and loving person. But the trouble is, acting on that care brings you into toxic contact with her. Take some time to figure out how you can put on metaphorical gloves so you don't get burned every single time, and end up with that awful sinking feeling each time the next visit looms.
Take time out. No arguments, no discussion, no need for either. You're having a break, she'll be fine, you'll be back when you're good and ready.
I have tried not to argue with her many times, I have changed the subject until I ran out of things to talk about, and I just do not want to do this anymore with her. Being this stems way back, I am very tired. I am ready for a peaceful life of my own. The hard part also comes from her being 2 minutes up the street. It will always be a reminder as I pass by. I really do want this, I want to say adios. Live with your miserable self!
Here is the perfect scenario for me--No contact, the pharmacy would deliver her pills, someone else would fix the pill box, she would have her hair done there each week and they would take her to the doctor, get her groceries and what ever else she needs. I could walk away and be FREE, free of abuse and stress of her controlling ways. No more walking on eggshells--what to say, what not to say. I know the only way this will happen is if I keep the courage to stay away. She will live a long time and I know now it will have to be up to me to make that choice. The christian side of me still asks the question: "is it wrong?" I do know it is wrong to continue to take this from her and to constantly listen to the complaining and negativity especially when it is directed at me.--that little girl that still wants approval.
I am also going to check in to getting some professional help moving forward, whether it stay no contact or finding a way to tune her out when I go visit.
Love and hugs to all. I must now pull myself out of this chair, put on a face and go to work and pretend everything is great. --the thing is, I know it can be. :-)
You are an amazing writer and your ability to express yourself has helped me and, I am sure, many others. Thank you so much. Now it is time to take the great big steps and cut off this harmful nonsense your parents have inflicted on you. I think you can do it! You help me feel more brave.
Your husband is correct. This will kill you. Take care of yourself Jewel. (((((((hugs!))))))))))
How do you go no contact? You don't answer phone calls or any other means of communication. My mother, in the past, has set up other people to call me if I don't answer her calls. I am very vague with them and don't talk long and don't give any information . You don't visit her, no matter the crises. She is in a facility that can look after her needs. Let them. Just stay away and look after yourself and your family.
Mother expects me to put her before my family too - she always has. Not going to happen and I don't justify myself or get into arguments. If mother asked if I was leaving soon would answer simply "Yes." I don't respond much to the comparisons - maybe say how nice that those people visit their families. I refuse to get sucked into arguments. I tell her that we will have to agree to disagree on some things. You have to be proactive in communication - changing the subject if it gets difficult. Mother started a recent conversation with "They are poisoning me". I smiled and said "The grandchildren are doing very well", and proceeded to tell her about the latest with the grandchildren. It doesn't work perfectly but it helps. What helps me the most is staying away.
Okay, who is ready for today, Sunday visit? I am not sure if there is enough space but I will shorten as I can. I WALKED OUT AGAIN on my narcissistic mother. --here goes.
I called and let her know I would be there around 2:30 pm--I needed to help my daughter set up for pictures (she takes pictures as a hobby along with going to college). I dropped my son off at a friends then headed to mom's. Lump in throat and the usual butterflies in my stomach. When I got there she was lying on her bed watching tv--very normal. She seemed in a decent mood and I brought cookies, drinks, and cake--she loves sweets. As I filled her pill box and she got snacks I could tell she really wasn't in such a good mood. She started her normal probing about my day. What took me so long, and getting confused when I told her. It's funny though she is not confused when she becomes her old self. The first of the conversation was pretty typical---the food, the staff, what they don't do right, blah blah blah. We went and fixed her hair, then went to sit outside. She was too cold so we went in to one of the living rooms. I try to stay out of her room so I am not attacked in private. She does a good job holding herself when people are around.--I am protecting ME. No one was there and we talked and she asked if anything were new, of course I said no, but boy did I want to say "you have no idea"...LOL
AFter about two hours of visiting and awkward silence the staff came around to see what she wanted for dinner. Of course she didn't like anything they were having and she said, "well, I guess I will starve", I had to laugh and said, no you are choosing to starve. She didn't like that, but how true it is. Her choices make her miserable and me too. So, I offered to go to McDonald's or somewhere and get her something. No, again. Then it started,--
Mom: Are you leaving?
Me: In a little bit.
Mom: You don't stay long.
Me: I need to go home, I have dinner in the crockpot and I need to check on it.
Mom: I wonder how these other visitors find time to come visit their family?
Me: They are probably retired or don't have a family (kids and a husband) at home.
Mom: Well, I believe your husband is old enough to be self sufficient, don't you?
Me: Yes, mom, he is, but I need to go home. (by this point, I knew it was best)
Mom: (as she gets up very fast and mad) well, go on home.
Me: I am
Mom: (walking quickly to the elevator to go back to her room) I don't know why you even bother coming here, you don't want to come anyway!! (Manipulation/guilt thrown like a fast ball)
Me: I do want to come, but I do not want to be talked to this way. Please stop.
Mom: I am tired of it too... (what is she tired of?)
Me: Please stop.
Mom: (we are now at the elevator) I will tell you what I will do, I will have that girl do my hair every Friday and that way you do not have to come anymore, because you don't want to anyway.
Me: Okay
Mom: FINE!!!
Me: Okay, mom, what ever you want to do is fine with me,
Mom: (very loud at this point because we are on the elevator) You don't care about me and your husband shouldn't begrudge that you are here visiting YOUR MOTHER!!
Me: He knows I am here and he doesn't begrudge that.
mom: You don't want to come and I can't believe you put your family first before your mother...(YES she said that)
Me; (getting loud too) I come because I want to and I am going home to cook my family dinner, because I want to.
Mom: (now off the elevator) Good, go home and stay there!!
Me: I have had enough
Mom: I have had enough of you
Me: (going in her apartment to get my keys) You make me a nervous wreck.
Mom: You make me a nervous wreck and I dread seeing you come.
Me: (walked out the door)!!!!!!
Whew! I cried all the way home. When I got home my husband had just got home from work and was doing the dishes because he knew I was at my mom's. He said, what's wrong, did you walk out on her again today. I said, yes, it was really bad this time. He said, It is time you take a break and don't go back for a while.
She wanted me to make her an eye appointment last week and I was going to do it this week since we had just come from the doctor. It is hard to take off work. (even though she thinks NOTHING is supposed to come before HER) I am debating whether or not to make the appointment and let them take her or just wait.
I have searched and googled for two hours how to have NO CONTACT. I really do not ever want to put myself back in this situation with her. I have told her and she continues to play the role of victim. That is what a narcissistic mother does. needs, needs, and takes, takes. Always making me the scapegoat. It is always my fault she feels this way. I do wish she didn't live in my town now. It would make it so much easier to walk away. I have felt this way for a long time, but I really feel the need now for myself and my family to just step away. My husband told me he worries about my health from all the stress and he doesn't want this situation to "kill" me and leave my kids without their mother. My heart sank that he even felt that way. He is right though and my mother will NEVER see what she is doing. She will NEVER change. She has sucked me back in several times with her niceness and then bang, here we are again. This is just not about dementia, this is about a life long illness that is getting worse. No medicine in the world would change these habits. The only thing that would mask this would be sedation of some sort something to keep her calm, but they won't give her anything other than the anxiety medicine. Antidepressants don't work, we have tried many.
I am much calmer now, and do not plan on being upset over this, but I have a long road ahead of me and I ask that you keep me and all the others in your prayers. With the holidays just around the corner makes it a very difficult time too.
Thanks again for reading and letting me get this off my chest.
Just an update, my dad came over before he left from working on the house and I just couldn't take it any longer. I told him I needed to talk to him next week when we had a chance to sit down without anyone else around (i.e. my kids or husband) He kept looking at me like I just hit him with a bat. He said just tell me now, I am dumbfuzzled at what it could be (yes, he said dumbfuzzled) My husband got up and went to my daughter's room to watch tv and my son was in his room. So I began.... I told him it wasn't the plan for him to move next door...with a look of oh yes it was..I said no it wasn't. He kept on telling me that yes, that was the plan. He was moving in to fix up the house. I told him that might have been his plan, but he failed to mention it to me. He tried to say he did, then I had to say, "do you really think I would be okay with it?" Especially my situation? I said, "yes, it stems back to HER"... He then started starring away. I told him I could not tell him where to live and I have no control over what he does, but I do have control over my own peace and I would not have put myself in that situation. --telling her she can't live with me and then agreeing to him living next door. He said he understood, but he had to move in because he couldnt afford to drive back and forth (he is living and hour away) to fix it up. Well, you afforded the house?? That was something else I brought up was the money he was spending that he didn't need to be spending. I encouraged him to sell the house. He did have someone stop today and talk to him about it. I told him to sell it and he said he wanted to do a bit more work so he could get more money--my husband thinks that is an excuse because we live in a neighborhood that is well sought after. It is just an older established neighborhood close to everything.--no cookie cutter houses. They each have their own charm and only a few on the street. I told him this came with no disrespect to him, but I was finally learning to find a peace with my situation with her and find time with him with no guilt. I also threw in there that I thought he silently knew I wouldn't approve and that's why he didn't tell me, of course, he said NO! I am not sure what will come of this, but I did it. I got it off my chest and I feel some better and hopefully I didn't hurt him too bad. I have friends that invite their parents everywhere, to our get togethers, to dinners, movies with friends, etc. Even if it is one parent or the other or both. I can't do that because of my situation and I need to protect ME. That I have learned the hard way. I wouldn't want to follow my kids around even though I love them more than words can describe. I would take a bullet for them, but I wouldn't want to live next to them. I am not a trophy and I don't need my parents to treat me like one. It is like the spirit stick with cheerleaders--don't drop it or it will bring bad luck. I am ready to throw it through his windows. LOL It is not about him moving next door, it is about the situation him moving next door brings. When I told him: "I told my mom she couldn't live with me, and what makes you think I wouldn't tell you that you can't live next door" and that I can't have you living over there and her come visit. He asked me: when will she ever come to visit? REALLY?? She might any time she wants. He is in denial!!!
Ok, I got that done, check! Now when to tell her the bad news. I know it will have to be done before Thanksgiving. I will hear--you didn't want me living with you, but you will let him move next door. UUGG!! I DIDN"T LET HIM!!!
Goodnight all...once again you are the best!!
Jewel, they both want to know that you love them best. They are five year olds. Shame on them.
Too close for comfort should be my new name... Ha ha! Thanks again and again.
Have you thought about writing a single letter copied to both of them telling them straight up what their ridiculous feud-by-proxy is doing to you? And I don't excuse your father from this: passive aggression or what? He is literally occupying the territory closest to you. Wish we could send in the UN!
So, here I sit, doing nothing, still in my pj's on a saturday at 1:37 p.m. My mind so boggled with distress and my heart palpitating so fast I can feel it in my throat. Wasted energy, exactly. Wasted day. Wasted, precious time because two people decided to be hateful and divorce and put an only child in the middle. I am still in the middle at 47!! I am going to be 47 soon and I have yet to find the peace I have been longing for. I was just learning through this group to pull back from my mom and learn to deal with her nastiness. Learning to detach.--now my dad has to bring it all back--I know it's not intentional, but it is happening.
Thank you again for listening to me whine until I can find some peace with all this. It is like I am starting all over again. Love and hugs to all.
I wouldn't try to hide things from my mother. That involves you in the complicity of hiding the big purple elephant outside your door at home. It puts a lot of stress on you.