Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
I will have to say though I have had a little peace today by telling myself these are her choices and I cannot control him or her. I do choose to continue to visit her and call her and do for her so I need to suck it up if I am still making these choices myself. Looloo, I like the quote: I do that a lot, I do nothing and my life is showing it. I waste tons of time on her, even when I am not there, I am still over thinking it.
I did my usual acrobatics, scheduling and rescheduling a check-up for my mother. I had to reschedule since she made it for a day that her home care person doesn't come. Then, I had to confirm and re-confirm the new date w/the home care person, since my mother was arguing about it. I emailed the caregiver a form that my mother would need to take with her to get her lab work done (she had previously NOT taken care of this on her other appointment last month), and after all the coordination, assumed things were good to go.
Well...she DID get her blood work done, so that was good. But she completely bailed out on her doctor's apppointment. I assume that her caregiver was simply unable to 'wrangle' her, and I do understand how hard it is. I spoke to her doctor, and she was pretty satisfied to see the results of the blood work, but did hope to do a routine physical. This isn't her primary physician, this is an oncologist. Long story short, several years ago, my mother had symptoms of MDS, which is a blood disorder that is now classified as a type of cancer, but wouldn't you know it, she seems to be just fine now, in that department anyway.
After speaking with the doctor, and rescheduling YET again, I thought about whether or not I should get involved in another battle with my mother. This might be turning into a pattern for her, since she refused to see her neurologist a few weeks ago (a second referral is in the works). Anyway, I've decided to let this go. I'm cancelling the re-re-scheduled appointment, and will not pursue it further. I'm saving the fight for getting her to her new neurologist, since her predominant problem is the dementia. And if she refuses that, well...cross that bridge when we get there.
On one of my facebook posts this morning was something from a Buddhist meditation society, that said "Better to do nothing than to waste your time." I'm taking it to heart today.
Hope you all have a really nice weekend :)
Your dad should not have decided to move next door to you without asking you if that was something you would feel good about. I can see how you have been victimized but there must be a way to stop their song and your dance. I hope you can make your own music and love it. I hope the same for me also. And for all of us.
Thanks for the caring thoughts. I am just having a rough day, week, month right now. I feel like I am just going through the motions to get through the day. I loved life so much and smiled and laughed. Now I am so down on life and it hurts to smile. There is no pill that will fix that and I am not going to dope myself up to get through the day. I am working really hard to get through these situations and I so appreciate each of you listening.
While speaking to my aunt this weekend, she reminded me of the loving relationship she had with my grandmother (this would be my dad's mom). I was reminded how my grandmother loved all of us unconditional and that is where I find comfort. I stayed with her when I was a little girl while my parents worked. She took me to church every Sunday and Sunday School. She taught me so much about loving others. She also knew how controlled I was and she showed me there was another way to live life. She passed 15 years ago and I miss her so much. I was explaining to my aunt how bad I feel wishing my mom were no longer around. I do not ever wish her harm, but just wish she didn't exsist. She told me that was so normal and even she had those thoughts about my grandmother--the person she loved dearly and had a great relationship with. She said is was a relief when my grandmother passed just because the stress it put on both of them, her being ill. It helped me feel better, but I am better than my thoughts and the stress that is over taking me. Some may say, let it go, I will never be able to let it go as long as she is hounding me and telling me I don't do enough--in her own words of course. I am consumed with freedom and wanting it now. I don't want my dad living next door, I don't want to take care of my mom anymore and I want to be on the beach somewhere away from all this black cloud and chaos that is hovering over me.
Thanks for reading my woe is me moments. :-)
I have found no way, however, of making myself be pleasant and sweet-tempered at all times. Or indeed on your average day :-/
Hoping you have a peaceful week. Hugs!!!
I am not letting her stress me with her words right now, I am just stressed over the ugly triangle I am forced to live in. If I could move far away, I would.
butterfly: It is so normal to have these feelings against people who are always downing our efforts. I hardly ever use the words hate, despise, loathe, etc. It seems now I am full of hatred and I even hate that...LOL I am sure the stress hormone (cortisol) is so strong in my body right now I would be scared to know what it is doing to my body. I have all intensions to go work out and I am too stressed to go do it. I am paralyzed by all this. Just as I was learning to deal with my mom and learn to walk away, my dad decides he is moving in. Oh Lord help me!!
The idea of someone else coming in AL to help out sounds great, but she really can't afford both--AL and extra caregiving. If it gets to where I just have to walk away then someone will HAVE to come in at least once a week and fix pills and go to the grocery. She is better with the staff, with a sarcastic kind of way, but they deal with it because they are not emotionally attached. There is one girl that works there that my mom has snowballed and manipulated to the point the girl feels sorry for my mom---just the way she likes it. This girl is very sweet and does everything my mom wants. Then my mom complains about her to me. I just say, "mom she is really sweet and helps you a lot"..I don't let her talk about her.
When I called her today, she went on and on about what took the test results so long. "Did you ask them what took so long" Did they say why they took so long? What took so long...mother!!! how many ways can you ask the same question? Ha! I did tell her it was over and we have the results and there wasn't any need to keep asking about it. Whew. She becomes obsessed.
I read something today and I have said it out loud several times "God please calm the storm, or at least calm the child" I am waiting for the calm!! The only way there will be calm here will be when there is no mother... How sad!?!
Cam: glad you could join us...I am with emjo, we do not have the normal relationships that some do have. There is nothing in writing that states we have to do this. Complaining and negativity seems to be the norm when we discuss our demented parents. I pray it stops soon.
You've all been through such a time of it. Good to hear from you, though I'm sorry it's still so rough. Hugs.
MIL and FIL came to live with us a few months ago. FIL had late stage dementia and passed away a month ago. MIL went off the rails when he died, overdosed on some of her tranquilizers and was basically crazy for a couple of weeks. But, she is getting better, although she was diagnosed with early dementia so I am sure it won't last. But all she does is complain. As I see it, she has it made right now, with my husband home in the mornings, afternoons to herself, and me coming home to fix supper in the evenings. She has home health care people a couple of times a week. So there is nothing wrong. But she sits outside all day smoking (complaint #1 is I won't allow her to smoke in the house) and thinking of new things to complain about. #2 is that she is 'always freezing'. She sits around in sleeveless blouses and shorts, I keep the house around 75 because of her, it would be cooler if up to me. But will she put on more clothes, or the warm socks I bought her? Nooo. Just complains. I have snapped and told her she would always be freezing in our house, and that she can get used to it or not. When she lived at home they kept the smoky stinky house at 90, with space heaters. She complains that people don't talk loud or slow enough that she can hear them. She is pretty much deaf. And she is also vision impaired. So can't see or hear, which means I am straining my voice to bellow at her. TV is on at the top volume. She can't actually see it and there is nothing I can do about that. Telephone calls - she can't hear the phone ringing, and if someone calls her she can't really hear them. She also can't remember that they have called so complains about no one calling her. She also has a little dog, who is not housebroken. So I am forever cleaning up her little piles. and MIL keeps falling. Which I know is a feature of being elderly. She has a cane that she is supposed to use at all times. Well, the dog runs under her feet and trips her. My husband says if she keeps falling she will have to go to a care facility. and she gets so angry about that and starts screaming that she is not going into a nursing home and is not giving up that dog. Scared and angry. And feeling like she has to behave a certain way so we don't stick her in a home. In her mind. That is not the plan. We will care for her at home till we can't. After the episode with FIL, that will be sooner than later when she deteriorates. And the nursing home will let the dog visit. Which means I will have to care for it, and I will housebreak it. She won't allow me to crate the dog for training.
OK. so there I was complaining about my MIL complaining. Ack. Thanks for listening to that. She is a lot easier than my FIL was, at least. But still, caregiving is a challenge. And when someone is not happy about anything, it is a bigger challenge. She doesn't know how to be happy, and stews about every little thing from every moment in her life that didn't go her way.
Thanks for listening, have some cheese to go with my whine,
Christine
Last winter, as mother's paranoia increased I got 3 crazy phone calls a day for months, and an nasty situation when my sis came to visit mother and decided she was going to take charge and move her without consulting me. Finally, I stopped answering the phone to my sis and to mother -about the beginning of December. I worked behind the scenes with a psychiatrist and the AL staff and second week of Feb mother went into the psychiatric hospital. I did not have any contact with her until the summer. I have seen her twice and talked to her on the phone once. It was just too much and she was too crazy, and of course, took it out on me. I set a boundary that I would not see her unless she was properly medicated, so her mood was better. Now she is on an anti psychotic and bearable to be with. I had a very hard time during the winter and had to take a long break for my own health.
Honestly, I think my being available to her was enabling, and when I cut contact, her illness showed more to others as she did not have the outlet of pouring it out on me. That meant the drs. saw it and she got into treatment.
Please look after you. Why would you say no to invitations from your friends? Re-establish contacts and build your life back up again? I doubt your mother is benefitting from your attention, as she just dumps on you. That is not doing either of you any good. We have to give up society's view of mother-daughter relationships. We just don't fit into the norm.
Is your mum on meds? Perhaps she needs an adjustment if she is. Does she put on this act just for you and then enjoy her self and socialize when you are not there? Does she really hate it or is she using that against you. This sounds to me like emotional/verbal abuse plain and simple, and I would walk away, and not return until and unless you are ready to. There is no law that you have to visit your mother. Her needs are met there without you being around. You have gone over and above what is needed for her. There is no reason on God's green earth why you should put up with any more abuse.
Please listen to your husband.
It has taken me several hours to finally calm down and realize she cannot keep doing this to me. My husband finally told me tonight that I may need to come to a point that I stop going at all. I am with him and want to cut the ties. I want to be free!!
I am going to hire a caregiver to come maybe every other week for 2-3 hours to clean, cook or take my mother out if she wants to go. Whatever she wants. I wish I had a ton of money--then I would hire someone to come much more often or I would help her pay for assisted living. I hope the caregiver helps--not sure it will. i realized I am getting so wrapped up in her that I am truly losing myself, putting my marriage in jeopardy, etc. Sometimes I can see things so clearly, but when things get all enmeshed I get myself very messed up. Balance, balance, balance. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Balance, boundaries, and big girl panties--yep. You know what makes this so difficult? Even though I don't always like my mother, sometimes I really do, and I do love her. What complexity! So... balance, boundaries and big girl panties--my new mantra!
AFter 15 minutes of telling her I will come after work, she agreed with a huge sigh and smartness. I go visit and she had her pill box and pills out for me to do and started her probing. Did you go downtown? Did you buy anything? Did you give the kids their money I sent them? (and to her because they didn't call during this busy time, then they don't care about her--don't talk about my kids that is means of disaster) Did you work yesterday?--on and on. This was not for small talk you understand, this was ammunition for the attack about to come. As I answered the questions she began to cry and tell me in her hateful voice about how much she hates it there and how bad she wants out of there---I know this already. She started on the food, the people, and how I made her go there and how I dropped her off and she begged me not to leave her--that is not how it went. She went willingly even though she will tell you that's a lie. My mom being 69 soon does understand that there are mostly people that are of the age 80+. She says this is an old folks home and she don't belong there. Maybe she don't, but where in the h*** is she supposed to go. Then here came the attack once again. "even if you had a place big enough, you wouldn't take me home with you anyway"..--maybe she is right, but I told her I don't have a place big enough so how would she know and that she cannot assume something that isn't real. She went on and on and I was making her a list for the grocery for Sunday. I stopped what I was doing and told her I wasn't staying if this was what the conversation was going to be about. then she said, well go on, you sure don't have to stay, you didn't want to come in the first place. When were you here last? When is the last time I talked to you? You didn't even take 5 minutes this weekend to see if I was alive or dead! I told her I called her Friday and she yelled no you didn't, I called you. We went back and forth about who called who and good grief people it had only been two days---T W O (2) days.I need a life and I need it now away from her. She said you don't even want to come here and you don't care about me anyway. You make me stay here. I then proceeded to tell her she could leave at anytime and no one was forcing her to stay. She had the nerve to tell me not to talk to her like a dog. I told her that she was the one making me feel like I was just a good for nothing daughter that didn't do enough for her. She told me to just go on.---and I DID!! I could hear her carry on as I shut the door... "you don't care anyway, you could careless about what happens to me" and it faded and faded because I kept walking down the hall.I will NOT take this from her anymore. I will leave every time she starts it. I have decided that. I am tired, exhausted, and done with being put down like I am that scared little girl. The manipulation has to stop. I feel really bad that she hates it where she is, I get that whole heartedly. I cannot fix it and that makes her think I don't care.--maybe I don't??? No one likes to be put down, manipulated, crushed to the ground and made feel worthless.
Thanks for reading. I am on such an emotional roller coaster and I am so glad I have you in the same car.
My parents didn't specify which items should go to which people, so I do think about who might like to get what. I don't have any attachment to ANYthing, so if someone were to want something, and I thought they actually did have a good relationship with my mother or father, I'd be fine with it. But no one comes to mind.
I got the same silent treatment when I announced I was moving mom last year. NOTHING except from my dad's brother and her sister in law. Neither of whom are related to her by blood. Her sisters wouldn't come visit before we left. They don't send her mail, they don't call me to check in. NOW I hear they are upset and concerned because they can't get ahold of her anymore and don't know why. Give Me A Flippin Break. Maybe refer to the letter I sent last Christmas with all the details? That Christmas card none of them responded to? Yes, that one.
Sometimes family is strictly genetic and nothing beyond that.
My extended family (my mother's and father's families) I never got to know well at all, growing up. My father's family is in Europe, and we don't speak each other's languages. Now that my father has been gone for 5 years, that entire side of the family tree has fallen away. My mother's family lives on the other side of the country, and I realized last night that she took my brother and me for visits a total of 3 times during our childhood. A cousin came out to visit us once; my grandmother did twice I think, until she got too frail. We went back once in 2001 as adults, for a wedding, where I met some second cousins for the first (and only) time. Anyway, I have hardly anything to do with them, and vice versa. I have one cousin I communicate with on Facebook (and she's very nice), but that's it.
When my dad died in December 2009, I received several sympathy cards, emails, Facebook posts, etc. From NON family members. I received nothing from family.
I've begun notifying people of my mother's dementia and how I'm handling her affairs, and again, NO response from family, and people who were "like family."
I know that this is not a reflection really on me. It's more of "reaping what was sowed." Minimal effort was put into cultivating a close family, and this is what we have. And, my mother has alienated people over the years, and I also didn't make a concerted effort to keep in touch with people who I always thought of as more my parents' friends than anything else.
Still, the silence was somewhat surprising, just how loud it was. I do think that if it were reversed, if any of these people informed me of the same thing, I'd respond in a timely, hopefully sensitive way. To put the word out and hear NOTHING back is a lonely feeling, even if we don't really have much contact at all.