Is it normal she's so negative?

I have been going over and over in my head what I will say to her. I have practiced out loud what I am going to say to her when she brings up about how she has been cheated with my grandmother's estate too. I always have to be a step ahead of her--anyone else feel that way? Always one or two steps ahead and being prepared for what they might bring up? --that is exhausting.

Emjo: Glad the visit went well and as hard as it may be, the non recognition may be a blessing for you. There will be less and less worry about things that way. I still cannot believe your mom is 102..wow. I don't think I can make it with my mom if she lives that long. She is soon to turn 69 that will be 33 more years. Holy good golly, I don't even want to think of that. I will say her grandmother and great grandmother lived up until their 100's. It could happen. I KNOW for a fact I will walk away before then. The difference with them, though, was they still had good minds. Her mother lived to 90, but her dad died at 67 with cancer. All her aunts and uncles are still living in their 90's...it is looking scary from here. ha ha. Surely God will give me the strength I need by then to walk away and let someone else deal with her sassy a#$ by then.

My mom too will not recognize some things I bring her that are her own. She will say well, if that is mine it is old and I don't want it. She is starting to remember some things she had and is wanting me to go to storage to retrieve them. Finding them will be the key.

When I go home from work and my dad is next door working on the home he got, I get so angry--I don't even know why. Maybe because I feel trapped once again, I feel betrayed once again, and/or maybe it is my mom in my head looking through my eyes being mad and therefore, I am upset. Either way, I need to find a way to get through this. JUst when I thought things were looking up and I was getting more courage each day dealing with her, now this. Maybe I will put my house up for sale and move. That would probably be the best. I love where I live, but now, I dread going home. Home was my refuge, my safe haven, my resting place--now it is also causing dread. HELP!! I feel like going to the top of a mountain and screaming until I lose my voice. I am back to point A only on a different board.

loo - sorry about the cancellation. Until she gets treated, she will be difficult and will avoid evaluation. I suspect things will have to get worse before they get better. It is too bad.

jewel - sorry you are not feeling well. I expect it just hit you - dad moving next door??? Crazy!!! It really puts you in the middle, but you have to resist that. His moving there is his choice. Your mother getting upset about it is her choice. I know it is hard. You will have to practice what you have learned here. Once when my mother was going on and on about someone I had already heard too much about, I told her that I had heard it all and I did not want to hear about this person any more as it ruined our visits. She actually hardly mentioned her again and it used to be a regular rant.

Yesterday's meeting and visit went well. On the drug, mother is about as good as she gets. Gary said he saw no spark of recognition towards him and that was a first. I don't know that she recognized me till I talked to her. I went through her clothes with her and took some for alterations and some she did not want. I will try them on her again later. She did not recognize the coat she had asked me to bring her, but accepted that it was the one she had asked me for. I can see the decline in small ways - the dementia is progressing slowly, but we had a good chat about family.

Back home tomorrow and will be happy to be there. Although it all went well, I still find it is draining.

Sorry you're not feeling well, Jewel. I wouldn't even mention your father moving next door. Even if you think it might get back to your mother somehow. If and when she finds out, you can just say it was just as much a surprise to you, and then try to drop the subject (I know, not easy).

I have vertigo and haven't had a spell in about a year. My last "attack" was after we found out about the dementia and I was overwhelmed with everything. Well, this morning I wake with the room spinning, my eyes rolling around in my head and the wall won't be still for me to stand. I became sick to my stomach, had to cancel work, and I felt like I had been on a drunk. After finally feeling well enough to get my son to school, I came home and went straight back to bed. I slept about two hours and woke feeling like I had a bad hangover. I finally got it together to finish my work day, pick my son up at school and get him to work. I am home now resting and wondering what in the world went over me this morning. My stressful week was last week and I survived it, our bodies work in mysterious ways. I am glad to be standing straight and not swimming around my house. Horrible thing to have that vertigo. I also have another stress added to my daily living. I know I briefly mentioned it before but I will bring it up one more time.--My parents are divorced and my mom wishes he never existed, hates the thought of me even talking to him or being around him. To add to this, my dad bought the house next door to me...yes, this is really happening. I moved my mom closer so I wouldn't have to travel as often then moved her here permanently to AL. Now, my dad moves here--right next door. What in the world have I done to deserve all this? Whew. I love my dad so much and he is so different from my mom. He is loving, caring, compassionate, helpful, and sometimes annoying--ha! But, my mom still exist in my life too and I have to live with her wrath. I have not told my mom about the purchase next door and I don't know when I will, but this is a small town and it will have to be told soon enough. How to do this? How will I survive all this stress that my life is enduring? These are all questions I ask myself every morning. My mom being ill has given me the time back with my dad that I feel I lost while she still was in control..but did he really need to want to move next door. The original plan for the house next door was for him to buy as an investment and rent out--why is he moving in? Does he still have this thing with my mom--secretly--now I have won?--him thinking this of course. They have always used me as this pawn, this go between of their feuds and differences. I am soon to be 47 and it is still happening. This feels like a woe is me session, but maybe I need that from time to time. When I tell my mom about this, she will go off, when I tell my dad he can't just come over ,anytime he wants, he will understand but yet get his feelings hurt. Something has to give soon. I am exploding on the inside and my health is starting to suffer...soon it will be my job, my family, then what? As I thought things were looking up, they just fell back down again.

Once again, thanks for reading and know that you are not alone with all the daily stresses, there is someone else out there living a stressful day, week, month, life...today--it is me sharing it with you!

Sigh...
So, my mother has cancelled her neurologist appointment for the second time. I was hoping she wouldn't remember that he had been the one who helped me with getting her drivers license revoked. Not that she ever had any proof, but she suspected correctly that it was him. Now, I'm not sure if she even remembers why she doesn't trust him, but obviously, she wants nothing to do with him.
I won't push it anymore -- if she refuses, then so be it. It's just that I was hoping that he would be willing to sign a document stating that she's incapacitated, so that I could bring it to my mother's banker. He said that having that document would really help protect her accounts. Now, I don't know if he'll be willing to sign it, since he won't be able to examine her. Anyway, I asked that he call me when he has 5 minutes, so we'll see...
Hope everyone's week is going well. Fight the good fight :)

cm - various words go through my head - some of them not repeatable, including the f word. I am not a saint! I so dearly want to say to her - just one time - "Suck it up, princess." Re the cat you did the right thing. I am sure she s not thinking "You bastards". But it still is hard and we second guess ourselves. She is happy on the other side. Toonie is reunited with Gordie and being cuddled and called "Tiger" now .

jewel - not the move yet - pre-move arrangements. This will be my mother's 4th residence in the last 5 years, not counting 10 months in hospital - and I know she will want to move again after a few months in her new place. No way, Jose', unless they throw her out. Then, after moving her, we have to dispose of the extra belongings she bought for her last place. We got rid of much of her stuff when she moved from a 2 bedroom apt into a one room unit Alf. Then six months later she moved into a 2 bedroom unit in an ALF and refurnished with new stuff. I hadn't gotten rid of all the old stuff yet. In May, we emptied the 2 bedroom ALF unit into storage while she stayed in hospital. Now we have to set her up in a one room unit again, and dispose of what is left. Certainly she will not be moving into another 2 bedroom unit again, if anything, to a nursing home. There is a lot to dispose of and G has suggested an auction. He has done those, so we will include the stuff of hers I still have at home (truck it back down here) and, hopefully, get rid of it all. I look forward to that being done and will rest easier once it is. My house has way too much in it and I long for some open spaces. Oh my, what we do for them and with no appreciation which would help. She did nothing for her parents, and once my father died when she was about 65, spent her time doing exactly what she wanted and traveled a lot. I wish!

Jessie - I think I waited too long with my dog - "keeping them alive is less about them than it is about me keeping them alive" makes total sense to me. I think the vet would have put him down sooner. But on the other hand, I find the time comes when you "know it has to be done and that decision is made on a mixture of their condition and your thoughts/feelings. With Toonie, when the vet said he would be in distress within hours I wanted to spare him that so we proceeded. Never easy, no matter the circumstances.

loo - I like the matchmaker image.:)

better get moving - passed breakfast by sleeping in so need lunch and to compose myself for the meeting - write down questions more than anything.

Have a good day and do something good for you.

Cm, I haven't heard of the "mog" books, but I'll look them up right now!

Thank you Jessie! I hope she's happy, too; sitting in the sun and bird-watching (in a good way). Trouble is I see it more like someone having their plate taken away by a busy waiter before they've quite finished - it's not that you're still hungry, it's more: "Oi! I wanted that bit -!"

But I hope she was glad to be breathing freely again, and not thinking "you bastards!" It's not easy. Actually, I don't think it *should* be easy - after all, we owe them some hard deliberation before we decide for them, don't we?

Looloo are you a fan of the "Mog" books? Judith Kerr used exactly that image to try explaining things gently to children.

Very true, Jessie. I also like to think that our 'dearly departed' pets become guardian angels for the ones to come :). I imagine them, up wherever they are, playing 'matchmaker' and smiling down at us.

CM, I've helped three of my rabbit buddies to the bridge. There is always the question of if it was really needed or was I just reacting to stress or anger. Then I rerun all the bad things that had been happening and knowing how each suffered. I have a feeling that my worst problem is that I wait too long. I always hope that things will get better, that there will be good days. Then I realize that keeping them alive is less about them than it is about me keeping them alive -- if that makes sense.

There comes a day when we realize that keeping our pets alive is torture for them and for ourselves watching and caring for them. I wouldn't be surprised if your cat was thinking "Thank you!" when you helped him to the bridge. I have a feeling you didn't make the decision lightly. And I have the feeling your decision was the right one.

I like to think of our pets as being free from pain and in fresh bodies running and playing on the other side of the bridge.

Good morning, friends.
Bravo!! We all are doing better, I can see. It may not seem like it at times, but I can hear in your writings that we have all stepped up and letting roll off our shoulders a little easier. It will take many more screams out loud before we are able to say "I am done"! We may never be done and that is okay. Walking away from a bitter, hateful, ungrateful person is not easy...why is that? If I had the answer I would share the wealth. Ha! It is that invisible spell we all possess.

The famous line: I will be dead by then. I have heard that for 3 years now. I always give a chuckle and say "Oh, no you won't, you have made it this far" then she will reply, "well, not this time". I too hear, "what do you have to do or better yet, what did you do all day yesterday?"--This is insinuating that I did nothing and should have been with her. Even if I did nothing, that is my business. Everyone needs a day of rest.

Emjo good luck with moving, I have moved mine 3 times and she would love to move again, but until I absolutely have to, she isn't going anywhere. CM: as hard as it is to move past a decision that we look back on and wish we had made a different one, just remember: The decision you made, was the best decision for you at that time. The kitty would still be suffering if you had made any other decision. This was all put on you unfortunately. Mom has moved on and you are left to grieve for both of you. You made the right decision regardless and no one wants to ever think that is a right decision--make any sense? The kitty is at rest and hopefully soon, your mind can rest too.

Emjo, you forgot the last line of that exchange:

Me - [thinks] "I've heard that one before…"

Juddha and Emjo, I marvel at your patience. Do you never, really never, just think "oh eff off, mother..!"?

Mind you, I'm a fine one to talk, still guilting myself over that poor little cat. Was it really that urgent to have her euthanised, or was I in part punishing mother for showing no concern over her pet's obvious physical problems? - something which I know is a very deep, sore point for all of us, her children. Now I know how ridiculous that sounds, and not only did I have genuine reasons but those reasons were backed up by veterinary support above and beyond the call of professional duty, not to mention further thanks to so many of you who sent me comforting messages. But still… Did it have to be that day? Was there also a spark of anger that made me act then and there?

Well, what if there was - it doesn't alter anything, and it doesn't make the decision wrong, either. But tellingly, I'm still worrying away about this while dearest mama has already put it all behind her. Don't worry, mother, I'll deal with it...

loo and jewel - that is what I am working on -a peaceful existence without the constant reruns in my head. I do better than I did years ago. Deal with it then leave it alone till the next time, knowing you have done your best and that it will never be good enough. Too bad.

jewel - I hope you enjoy all the time away from your mum. Years ago I found myself taking my work problems home to three little children and their dad. As a result, I was not ready to enjoy my family when I got home. I decided that once I touched my car to drive home, I would stop thinking about work and start thinking about my family and looking forward to being with them. It worked.

judda - you did well and are writing about having good times by yourself or with friends - getting some enjoyment out of life and not letting your mum's nastiness throw you too much. Great.

Jessie - I wish you could have more good things on your life. It seems to be a very grey existence peppered with spots of black which is somewhat soul destroying.

Had to laugh on the "I'll be dead by then." Mother uses that one too.

Mother - "I need my sweater NOW!"
Me - "Mother, I will get it as soon as I can."
Mother - "I may be dead by then."

Can you hear the violins playing?

I haven't had the "What do you have to do?" verbally, but all her behaviours show she thinks like that. When I was working, she totally ignored that I had to go to work and would ask/expect me to jump any time she wanted.

I am getting to a point that I truly don't care - not that I don't care about doing the POA job as best I can, but I am caring less and less about her manipulations and tantrums. I need to let it be her problem and not mine. It takes work to get there, but is necessary.

Meeting with hospital staff tomorrow about moving mother to her new place. Have to buy a new mattress for her (it us policy due to concerns about bed bugs) and arrange to have to delivered when they give us notice.

((((hugs))))) to all -

Judy, I had to laugh at the talk with your mother. I would have been looking for a spot to bounce my head on the wall. You handled it so well. I would have been p*ssed the moment the "well, what do you have to do?" came up. You deserve a ribbon for handling that conversation.

Juddah:: I just saw your post. Welcome back to reality. Whew. I am glad you enjoyed your time away. We are all waiting that time we can finally have a peaceful, restful, less stressful life without the duty of our mothers. It will come even if it is us that decide to finally walk away from the drama. My mom has also been saying she needs an eye appointment. What is that about? My mom is saying she is seeing a spot now for the last two weeks. I told her she has to wait until we get one appointment over then we will go to the next one. She always says: I will be dead by then. No mother nothing will take you down, I promise. Haha!

JesseBelle: Thank you for sharing. That is so sweet. I wish my mom was much more pleasant, it would make my life a better place to be. My mom lives in a very nice place. It is like a 5 star hotel with all the extras. She sees it as a terrible, overpriced nursing home. That it is NOT! I want to live my life like the little man and his choice to be happy first and foremost. My mom just knows how to secretly put a spell on me--hocus pocus. I will try to remember him as I catch myself getting bitter over her nonsense.

Looloo: That is exactly what life would be like. Peaceful, restful, and less stress. I am counting on the day I can live like that again. I spent the most of the morning taking care of doctors appointments so we can get more test done for my mom. It literally took 3 hours today. I didn't get much anything else done, but I will tell you, I haven't been as stressed as last week. My daughter told me today before she left back for college.--She told me to stop letting my visit with my mom on one day determine how my week was going to go.--wow, I do that! I really do. If I have a bad visit (which is almost every Sunday), then the first few days of the week are ruined for me. My mind goes full speed and I cannot calm it down. Every thing she said runs over and over in my head. I feel like she lives in there.--in my head. I look at things as though it is through her eyes. I must stop this. I must see things through my own eyes again. I am determined to let Sunday stay in Sunday and see Monday as a new day for ME. I am with you, let's break free from their circle and live our life peaceful and restful. They chose their life, now let's choose ours.

Have a great week!!--I plan to.

Hi everyone.
I had a great time last week in Maine working for a new client making him a video.
I meditated with some friends, walked in nature, the weather was lovely, the fall leaves are incredible. What a nice break! But now I am home.

What time is it? Why it's Momma Trauma Drama Queen time! Geez, she gives me the I need an eye doctor appointment demand in as nice a way as she can put it. She forgot that last week she asked me to find her a new eye doctor close to where she lives. I did that before I left. I emailed her where she could go and it's only a mile or so away from her new home and she can get a senior shuttle bus there, no problem. I told her that I did that before I left.

Mom: I REALLY need to see an eye doctor! (implying death if it doesn't happen this minute and only I can deliver her.)
me: Yes. I sent you the information of a good one only a mile from you and you can take the bus there very easily.
Mom: How much more out of the way is it for you to take me to the one I went to before?
me: Well, the one you went to is in Hudson. That means I'd have to travel about a half hour to your place, take you back to Hudson, wait for you, take you back to Sudbury, and then drive myself back to Hudson, taking time off from work. OR you take the senior bus and get there whenever you wish and it's only a mile or so away.
Mom: WELL! you have NOTHING to do all day! No kids, no husband, why can't you take me?
me: I am working.
Mom: Oh, what are you like a doctor or something? You think you're so important!
me: Yes, I am working and we'd have to wait to make an appointment that is good for me, the doctor, and you...
Mom: (interrupting and getting more and more agitated and sarcastic) Well, I am GLAD we had this important conversation. Now I know how much I mean to you!

me: You asked a question. I answered it. You can think about it anyway you want to.
Mom: I can't talk to you. YOU get me so upset!
she hangs up.

Ha. Welcome back, daughter.

Yucky, yuck.

Now back to editing: my peace therapy, and later meditation.

Oh, one last chuckle: I wrote this account to my friend. We were sharing inspiration from someone in our meditation group, so the title of our email subject was: Meeting Daily Problems Develops Inner Strength!


Love,
Judy

Ahhhh, 48 hours of no phone calls or emails. So THIS is what life feels like! Spacious, with a pretty nice rhythm, even when there are problems and things aren't perfect.
I spent a good chunk of time trying to get my head around difficult, overbearing people who, at first, seem to want nothing more than to help -- but who become impossible to deal with. I found a few articles on "pathological altruism" and am just so satisfied that someone gave it a name! According to what I've read, it's yet another co-dependent behavior. No surprise.
Argh, I don't want to be part of my mother's circle anymore. I'm tired of these exhausting interactions. I'm starting to feel downright ridiculous, continuing to engage. Guess that's a good thing.
Anyway, I'll put on my invisibility cloak, say all the right mantras, remember to breathe, and keep the boundaries up. Eventually, this will pass, and I'll have learned some very valuable skills.
Have a peaceful week everyone :)

jeweltone, I feel better just reading what you wrote. Thank you for sharing a positive. A friend of mine sent me this the other day in an email. I loved it.
-----
92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait..'
'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied.
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice;
I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away.. Just for this time in my life..

Guess what today is? Yes, it is Sunday. I stressed all last week because of having an ultrasound on her neck, her negative attitude was off the charts and I just couldn't calm down my mind. I decided on Friday to take a deep breath, smile, and let it all go. I did. I did some things I needed to do for my family, marked off a couple more things off my list and once again was invited to the movies (unexpectedly, which was the BEST!) with friends and I said yes. I woke this morning with that infamous state of dread in the pit of my stomach. I lie in bed, trying to calm down and deciding it is not worth the stress. I got up fixed breakfast for my family and went to my mom's. I was pleasantly surprised because the visit was pleasant. Only a few negative comments but nothing I couldn't handle, we laughed and talked about people we know in common and about her upcoming testing. The visit went very well. I am still in shock. I feel so great. It feels really good to come home with no stress. We will just be waiting on the doctor to call for testing dates and tonight my mind can rest. If most visits were like today, I could go more or call more. I won't fall in to a trap though. I will keep up my weekly routine and hope for more visits like today.

The peace I feel at this very moment, I pray for everyday. How nice it would feel to have this peace more often. The stress hormone doesn't exist in this body today and I know how much healthier I would be without it. Hallelujah!!

May the Lord bless you and keep you. Hope everyone has had a stress free weekend as well.

Thanks for reading.

Lovely advice, Jewel :) See? I'm smiling! hee hee. It helps somehow. I read somewhere that 'sometimes the mind must lead the body, and sometimes the body must lead the mind' -- so sometimes just smiling really does help remind the rest of me that there's plenty to smile about.
Emjo, hope your insurance issue is all squared away. Many times, it seems that the information in the letter is not the most updated, so you probably DID get it taken care of over the phone. Still, one can never rest until it's all resolved.
Kaz, hope you're getting used to a little calmness in your life! It can feel downright weird at first! And like Emjo said, it's never fun waiting for the other shoe to fall.
Anyway, hope everyone has a nice weekend. We're getting an incredible heat wave again, and I'll be so glad once fall weather decides to stick around!

Good Friday morning. Today is national smile day. :-) ...and that is what I am going to do. I am going to smile all day and not think twice about my mother. I am going to ignore that I have any obligations other than with my own family.

Emjo- I hope you get everything worked out with the insurance. No matter what the dealing is, when you have to call to deal with things, it can take hours off your day It is hard enough dealing with things of our own, then to deal with someone else's , especially those who don't appreciate it, makes it worse.

Have a great weekend and SMILE!!

Keeping the stress down is difficult - and the narcissist finds ample opportunity to raise it.

Kaz - glad you got your cat and the rest of your stuff. Good the social worker is involved. Hope you are recovering somewhat.

loo - it seems like there is continual pressure from one place or another -and if not then we wait for the other shoe to fall which it inevitably does - stress one way or another. Sorry you are not feeling well.

jewel - lies, deceptions, good that the staff have her number. If people listen to mother, they think I do nothing for her and ignore her. Most people find out the truth - all except my sis who prefers to believe mother. I would rather not have a sib, frankly.

judda - as cm says - forgive but that does not mean trusting her again. One definition of forgiveness is "giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me". Doesn't mean we don't protect ourselves.

I know about the seemingly endless phone calls taking care of business. Had a doozie today. Got a letter from mother's insurance company saying they were cancelling her insurance. Thought I had straightened it out last week. Called the toll free number - all lines down - got directed to voice mail which gave me the message that it was full, and sweetly said "Goodbye". Called the number I called last week - it was down and gave me the toll free number. Looked in the internet and found another number, called it, got a live body, eventually, who said I had sorted it out last week. I will check again before the end of this month as it is due for renewal then. I don't trust them.

Hopefully next week's meeting will go well and we will move mother soon and she will stay put for a while.

Take care all.

Doctor finally called about test results. Lab work was good and the lump in her neck is a cyst. They want to do a CT scan now with dye to see what this could be. Of course, she is freaking out over it. "why didn't they do that first", "oh my goodness, I can't go through that" yadie ya ya!! I told her not to worry right now it will be next week before we can do anything anyway. "NEXT WEEK???" "WHY NEXT WEEK?"---yes, she yelled it. I told her with tomorrow being Friday they would need to make some phone calls and it would be next week. I wonder, my husband wonders, and my kids wonder why I am so stressed out. One 5 min phone call does it. I stayed calm and told her it was no big deal, then the quesitons started: "what do they think it is, what if it is attached to something, will they need to take it out, that means surgery, "ETC...you get the point. I told her one step at a time and we will get through this. She is way too mean for it to be anything other than a fatty cyst that they can take out and she will live another 50 years. haha! That is bad, I am sorry for those thoughts, but she freaks out and I know it's nothing because nothing could take her down, she has 9 lives.

I like the nanny cam idea. I have had social workers involved before and they turned on me...it put me over the edge. This is when she first went way down hill last summer and I called the doctor and they called hospice. Social workers always come too with hospice. WEll, I thought calvary was coming and they almost threw me under the bus. I have told this story once, but it was a very tramitic experience for me. The social workers called the doctor and told them the same story I told about my mom not eating and wouldn't get out of bed, blah blah, but they told it in a way that I was doing this to her. That my mom was a fragile little old lady and I could make her eat and get up. WHAT!!??!! If the doctor and I didn't already have a relationship about my mom, it could have turned very bad. The doctor couldn't believe that they were in the home for 5 minutes and made their assumptions about me and what was going on. We asked for new nurses and social workers and viola--they saw a different picture. You have to be really careful who comes in the home and checks on things. Everyone makes their own opinion before hearing the whole story. That is what really worries me about my mom's lies, but now that she is in AL the workers and the director knows and it keeps it all good. Being in a public care facility is definitely what I recommend if it is possible.

Kaazzaa, getting social services to see the mess is the smartest thing you ever did. I'd like to be a fly on the wallpaper for that one. Stay AWAY while they get an eyeful.
LooLoo and jeweltone, if you get the social workers involved, they are independent witnesses to the abuse you take and the mess she makes. A nanny cam is a good idea too. Pictures and sound and HD color protect you from lies.

Looloo sorry you feel bad and dealing with everything. I have thought to myself as I went home for lunch, I need a break too. I was thinking if I could go the next month or even two and not see my mom, not talk to my mom, or even anything to do with her would make me so happy and free. I feel like she lives in my head all the time. Even the way I look at things makes me know she is there--in my head. It has to stop before I become this person with an extra personality--lol I hope you find a way to get your mom to AL it will be a blessing in disguise. Even though mine lives so close--wish she didn't, I am free to a degree, but you will really be free. Hang on to that, looloo, it will come!!

The brief phone call with my mother earlier in the week went ok, but the past few days have been really stressful and difficult for me. I have been fighting a cold for at least 2 weeks already, but on Sunday night, it decided to really 'bloom.' I called in sick on Monday, thinking if I just rested, it wouldn't get too bad, but I ended up just getting worse anyway. I went back to work on Tuesday, and am starting to feel a little better today, but still...yuck. I'm DRAGGING, and am throwing myself a slight pity party, lol!
My mother's frantic, "almost in tears" (as she put it to me yesterday) neighbor has been emailing me all week, and I'm doing my absolute best to handle things, but being sick has made it extra difficult and stressful. It doesn't help one bit to get her constant comments such as "This can't go ON!!!" "What is GOING ON???" And so on. My adrenaline rushes every time I see her name, and I'm exhausted having to deal with her. Maybe, someday, I'll get things together in some way that she doesn't have to be involved anymore (please, God). I fantasize about no longer needing to be in contact with HER anymore either, not just my mother, lol. I daydream about FINALLY moving my mother into AL or memory care, or WHEREVER! And then NEVER having to speak to her neighbor again.
Anyway, I have gotten more stuff done for my mother today. About 3 hours' worth of time spent emailing, phoning, faxing, filing, bill-paying, gathering info, UPSing her magazines, etc., etc. In between my 'real job', of course....
Oh--I also really let a customer service rep have it today, and now I feel kind of guilty about that. I'm usually so good about not taking my frustration, fatigue, anger out on people. And to do it anonymously, to people just doing their jobs, makes it worse. Anyway...I just need a little time-out, I guess.

I am glad everyone seems to be a bit better this week. Not as much stress going on. I went to bed Tuesday night at 8:30pm with a stress headache. I guess after being with my mom on Monday for the testing and then listening to her whine about how unfair everyone is to her. Maybe in a way I agree to a certain point, but it isn't worth crying over and being mad at everyone over. It is all just stuff and a little bit of money. The money she may have gotten from the "stuff" family took may have kept her in her apartment one more month.--Not years. I just wish she wasn't so self absorbed. Me, Me Me!! It's not fair to ME, they don't treat ME fair, they cheat ME! There are other siblings and no one else has felt cheated. If they have, they haven't said a word about it. She is a middle child and I wonder if all this does play true to the middle child syndrome? My mom, I am realizing, has all kinds of syndromes now. Ha! What in the world has happened to that brain? Even though she has always been like this, it is intensifying to the degree I cannot stand to be around it. When I am there, she expects me to agree with her and no one else. She is also starting to go on over something that happened literally 35 to 40 years ago. She is losing sleep over it, nothing she did, of course; but something to do with money with her siblings. Her parents let them borrow money that many years ago and she swears they never paid the parents back and she thinks now they owe her for what they borrowed. She thinks I am supposed to do something about that too. I was just a little girl and know nothing about it. I have told her that was her parents money at that point and it was up to them to collect that money. She thinks because she never ask them for anything, once again it's not fair that they got money and she didn't. I know this is getting deep, but I am worn out with it. I want to crawl under a rock and pretend she doesn't exist anymore. I think about what someone said on this blog to me about hydrating and dehydrating. I wish so many times she had never hydrated... I hydrated her that is for sure. Knowing I did the right thing is one thing, but I am paying for doing the right thing. This is when I question, what is the right thing...does all that makes sense? Haha!

I dread visits, phone calls, anything to do with her. She stresses me out to no end with all her issues of self absorbed nonsense. LIke I said, I do agree with her to a point--but would never tell her because she expect more from me with it and it wouldn't be worth the more stress it would put me under. I do not want to be isolated from family just for her. She would love that--just me and her under a rock knowing we shut out the rest of the family and the world...how sick is that? VERY!! But truly, that is what she really wants--until she got it, then she would find something to complain about under the rock. If you have ever read the book, IF You Give a Mouse a Cookie, that is my mom. Give her and inch and she takes more than a mile.

Kaazzaa--I am glad things are smoothing out for you. When we hit rock bottom the only place to go is up. It may be a slow and hard climb, but when you get to the top, it will all be worth it. Your peace of mind is worth it. I know you still worry about your mom, that is normal with all of us. If we didn't care and didn't worry, we wouldn't be on here letting it all out. I just wish for each of us, it didn't consume our daily lives. I am also happy your cat is settling in too.

Hurray looloo: I feel the same way, round and round we go. I cannot reason with my mom either. That is it, she just cannot see what is really happening in front of her. It is only what SHE thinks is happening. She truly believes it. Even when I tell her I was there and heard the conversation, she still doesn't believe it. The brain and mind is a powerful thing and it will lie to us at any minute.

Oh i know CM and knew this would happen! im alot less stressed knowing SS are involved they dont take any crap!
Moving on CM takes time and money so yes things wont be sorted quickly so once i got SS involved mum will be kept an eye on.
Also moving stuff out is not easy with no car im sure the neighbours are wondering whats going on? but my brother is making things harder by not letting me in everyday to get stuff so i have to take things when hes around? I should get everything out this wkend. Cat seems ok just sleeping and hiding alot!

CM, yes, my mother behaves in whatever way she thinks will get what she wants in that moment. It's possible she has forgotten about me taking the car away; that would be great if that's the case. But you never know with dementia...
I have no intention of resuming the regular phone calls. And if the calls from her escalate, become unproductive (going round and round and ROUND, trying to explain and reason over and over and OVER because what she's really doing is trying to start drama), or if she starts insulting me and my efforts in any way, then it's break time again.