Is it normal she's so negative?

This wkend i move everything else out then i walk away until something happens to mum and they all wake up?

Until? And then what, Kaazzaa? Seriously, concentrate on your own plans. If you sit around waiting for developments it'll stop you moving on. You've got your court case to sort, and the rest of your life to be getting on with. Don't look back.

To speak plainly, your mother's doctor is right. He cannot discuss your mother with you without her consent. There are rules, you know that. Stop asking him to breach confidentiality because you'll just set him completely against you.

Your mother's got a key worker and a whole bunch of other people to take responsibility for her welfare, which means your conscience is in the clear. God willing it'll all turn out for the best - but for now it's time to take care of yourself. Big hug, hope puss settles in x

Hi guys just an update! mum DID turn up to docs today for her apointment? now when i rang doc is refusing my calls? so thankfully i finally got through to SS and she is going to call and see mum!

I went into house today and took cat and some more belongings house was an absolute mess?? i mean really bad like it was years ago? mum will be furious now that ive taken cat and most of my stuff but i can tell by the house that shes already declining more.
HA brother was there with rubber gloves on washing dishes? well see how long that lasts but he avoids her personal hygiene etc so SS will have to see how shes living now!

I am ok just angry and sad that it came to this mums health is at stake because of siblings ignorance?

My cat is traumatised and was crying for about two hours which just breaks your heart BUT hes alseep now so i hope he will be alright? i will keep him in a few days here and hopefully he will know then that this is where he eats and sleeps now! they are pretty intelligent so fingers crossed.

This wkend i move everything else out then i walk away until something happens to mum and they all wake up?
Brother is not there tomorrow and thursday and wont let me go in when hes not there so i have to wait until friday i hate him and his bullying behaviour but he will soon regret his actions. Other brother in UK is distraught and feels helpless but is calling me everyday to see im ok he will write to mums doc and express his concerns and back me up.

I have lost all faith in docs regarding this and told receptionist that if anything happens to mum im holding him responsible.

Its not easy being a few houses away not knowing if shes safe im sure shes so lonely now but she had the best of care so theres nothing more i can do until things escalate.

Hugs and im praying for us all here! life will get better!

I'm sorry that you're having trouble with your mom being so negative. When my mom was first diagnosed with dementia, it already had taken quite a toll on me and my own family. I couldn't understand why she was never satisfied, always negative especially towards me. After the doctor told me what was really going on, I realized that no matter how much I argued the point with her or tried to explain things to her, she couldn't help it. Finally, after some advice from some family and friends, I tried to agree with her and sometimes pretended with her. We usually talked about old times, and things that made her happy (it didn't matter whether they were correct or true) made me feel better also. The next day she would forget and we'd start all over again. It was difficult, but the sicker she got, the easier it was for me to realize that she was not the same person who I grew up with that took care of me. Now it was my turn to take care of her no matter what it took. I'm glad it worked out the way it did, even though she went away little by little, I had time to spend with her and go down memory lane. Good luck and God bless you as you go on this journey with your mom. Don't forget to take care of yourself as well.

judda, I agree. When you forgive someone it doesn't mean you are telling them they are right, or it is okay to hurt you, you are just saying that you are not going to drink the posion anymore. When you can forgive her you will feel better--doesn't mean you even have to talk to her. Letting go of harmful feelings and emotions can be so freeing. Even though my mom has been so mean all her life and hateful to me, I still forgive her.--she still hurts my feelings, but I don't begrudge her for that. I can sleep at night for that reason. Like countrymouse said, you will know your boundaries with her and don't trust her.

I don't trust my mom either. She as "lied" so many times that I get sucked in to what is real and what is not. At fist it was just little things and now those little things are becoming very big things. It is scary to be honest. She is starting to tell the weekday workers that she didn't get out of her room all weekend and when they ask her if I came she tells them no. I don't think that she don't remember--she does, I think she just wants pity. She then in turn tells me that they don't check on her and they leave her with no breakfast, lunch or dinner--just depends on which one she wants to tell me.Then she will always end with "you don't believe me, you think I am crazy" "you think they are wonderful, you just don't live here". The "lies" aren't just as simple as that either. They go deep sometimes, like yesterday. Telling me her sister was cheating her out of her mother's money and different things. She truly believes these things and it is really scary. My mom also thinks I am just being hateful to her when I do tell her how hateful she gets and what hurtful things she says--I think she just really thinks I deserve it. With all that said, I still forgive for my own self and not hers. She, along with your mother, will have to face that one day and I know my conscience is clear. Good luck with letting go and setting more boundaries.

Judda, forgive her by all means. Just don't trust her. Sad, but sensible.

Looloo, your mother's being so strangely pleasant: is it possible she'd temporarily forgotten who she was speaking to?!

Sisters, sisters. You all are my real sisters. It's such a gift to know we are not alone and that we all go through the same kinds of experiences; getting and needing a nice compliment from someone else when secretly we miss the love of our mothers.

I ask myself over and over, "Can I forgive her yet?"

You know that desert community is also good for health...lol No cold winters to worry about just sunshine and warm weather. Your mom will be around a long time, so make it as you need to. I am moving somewhere like that as I get older so I can live warm and happy... :-)

No contact is better, don't feel a bit guilty for it! That is something I hope for one day. I am really building up the courage. Once I can help get my grandmother's estate handled, get all my mom's finances in order, and I have no other obligations with her; I plan on less and less contact too. This constant negativity is wearing a big hole in my soul. I feel it deepening everyday. I can only let it harm me if I continue to deal with it and I don't plan on it for very long. It could be another year, but I have promised myself it won't be longer than that. It is funny how we can finally decide not to deal with something we shouldn't be dealing with. Hallelujah! With each visit and each saga, I realize it will be a very long and lonely road if I keep this up, but I don't plan on staying on her lonely, miserable road. She already thinks I don't care and I don't do enough, so I will show her what that really looks like.--eventually. I pray for the strength to go through with it. The other day I almost took her checkbook to her and almost ripped the POA up right in front of her--I wanted to. I have thought many times that I would tell her I am done, get someone else, and walk away. I think about how good that would feel, then I remember that right now I am all she has. My conscience just won't let me at this moment. You have finally made that decision, so go with it. It is kind of like when you are about to pull out in front of someone, you can't think about it you have to just put the pedal to the metal and GO!

Lol, actually, my mother lives in a desert community in Southern California! She has a lot of gravel landscaping, but lots of hardy, drought tolerant plants that need regular care. AND a rather militant homeowner's association, who inspects the property and gives tight deadlines for any repairs or improvements they deem necessary. But I think her new gardeners will handle things much better.
My mother also made a typically negative, "gotta get the last word in" comment on the phone today. I don't have any recollection what it was, but yes, it annoyed me in the moment, and reminded me that minimal contact is for the best. It was a relief though, to realize that, at least for that brief time, she was civil and pleasant to me. If this continues, and there's no need for permanent "no contact", I might be ok.

Looloo good news summer and gardening needs are almost over unless she lives somewhere warm all the time. There is always something to worry us at the moment but I see the light at the end of the tunnel even though at this moment it is a very faint, dull, dim, shadow of a light it is there. Maybe some new batteries will brighten it up. I pray everyday, when I get home from a visit, before I go to bed, when I get up in the morning, all day long. I hang on to knowing that one day it will be my turn to have my life back. I hope it is sooner than later for all of us.

CM: I am learning to do just that, everything is fine, everything will work out, on and on with my mom.--then she always says, "you don't care". Ouch! Turn the knife after you put it in. In a way though, I don't really care, I am sick to death of hearing it. HA! My husband doesnt really ever know what to say to me, so I usually don't tell him much, but tonight I had to get some things out when he asked. I told him it was much easier when she was in hospice and not well. It was draining, but much easier because the attitude wasn't so demanding and blaming. I told him that I wish she were still sick and not so much herself again--I then asked "is that bad of me?" He said, "no, it is not, but please know you did the right thing. You did what you were supposed to do by helping her get better and the rest will fall into place"...Just what I needed to hear from him. I know I couldn't just let her die, that would be wrong, but what was the pay off? I am sure it will come.
I am also glad you have a sister that can visit your mom and help relieve some of the stress.

Looloo, I hope you've got a good-sized desk diary for all these appointments! The gardeners and similar need to understand that while it is important for them to be on good speaking terms with their 'customer' you are the one who actually pays the piper. Very difficult to get that message through to the ground troops, I appreciate.

Oh brother, Jewel, what a day! You must be shattered. A couple of mantras to try, maybe: "try not worry about it, dearest Mama" and "it's under control." Repeat until tired of it. It's incredibly wearing for you (and probably for the staff, too, though I expect they do have worse offenders on their hands if that's any comfort!), but apart from personality issues don't forget that as concentration and hearing abilities go our darling Little Old Ladies do have genuine difficulty keeping track of what's going on. Don't know what to make of the radiologist, all you can say for certain is they thought something was worth taking a closer look at. Hope it turns out to be nothing to worry about - the odds are good.

My sister reported back to me that mother 'seemed to be in a good mood' during her visit today. She - sister, that is - sounded deeply suspicious about this - not that I blame her, I just find it funny. "Who are you and what have you done with my mother?"

Jewel, you have a very tolerance! Very good of you to all that you do, and I'm sorry it's such a no-win situation. I'm not sure about the doctor deciding to take more images, and you'll have more info in a bit. Maybe he wants to minimize how often your mom needs to come by, and he's being efficient?
Well--guess what? The spell has been broken, lol. I spoke to my mother a little while ago on the phone. It was fine. No drama, just the usual confusion, and I'll need to make a few phone calls of my own to make sure I know what's going on on Planet Betty, haha.
In other posts, I had mentioned how her gardeners weren't great, and how her neighbor had been ranting about them a lot recently. A few days ago, she emailed me with the name of another gardener, and I lined him up to begin taking over. I asked him to please just communicate with me, but he spoke to my mother too this morning. No harm done this time, it's just that my mother then starts doing other things--like she said she cancelled her doctor appt for tomorrow, so she could tell the other gardeners not to come anymore. Deep sigh from me.
So--now I need to verify w/the doctor's office that she actually DID cancel her appt. if she did, I'll reschedule for another time (I don't want to put her appt right back on for tomorrow, since it will probably stress her out and confuse her more).
Then, I need to contact her home care person and update her.
Then, I'll need to leave a message with her soon-to-be-former gardeners, letting them go.
I've already spoken to her new gardener, and he'll be doing one major cleanup this Saturday, and will do regular weekly maintenance starting next Monday. So I'll let her neighbor and caregiver know that.
As Ricky Ricardo on I Love Lucy would say, "AY YAY YAY!!!"

Here I am, home safe and sound! Don't know about sound quite yet, my mind is still racing from our visit and conversations that came up today. Bits and pieces of information she seems to be holding in and then all of a sudden bursts out like a bad pimple, you just don't know what to do with it..Of course she called me as I was getting ready to turn in, making sure I am on my way--trust issues. When I got in the room she was putting on her shirt saying she didn't know if she was supposed to get ready or wait on me. I told her to go ahead and get ready and I would help. She let me know real fast she didn't need help--far cry from yesterday. She went on to vent that when they came for breakfast she had to tell them she was going for tests and couldn't eat and how no one asked her if she needed help getting dressed--well, that is funny, I heard a different story when I came in, the one girl that is so sweet to my mom told me she asked my mom if she could help her dressed and/or she would help her get in the shower. Who to believe?--easy answer. Then she whined about how scared she was and I agreed because I was nervous for her this morning. She preceded to tell me of some changes at the AL she was confused about--the only thing different is they hired one girl to clean everyone's apartment (now a cleaning lady) instead of the workers doing that too. She went on about how that lady didn't do her laundry and how I would have to start doing it.--When I asked the director about this, she told me that nothing else has changed only the "cleaning lady". The workers will still do my mom's laundry.---why does she get so dang confused?--stress builder! She also told me that no one came around last night and asked her what she wanted for dinner---wow there, I told her I was here when that conversation came about. They did ask her and she denied dinner. She told me no this was after I left--no sally, it was not, I was there and I preceded to tell her again what the exact conversation was. She got so mad and told me I could take up for them if I wanted but she knew how it went.--does she really now? When I went to sign her out to go the director followed me back to my mom's room and my mom told her the same as above, the director tried to tell her everything was alright and if she needed something that they didn't take care of she needed to ring her buzzer and they would take care of it. My mom--being who and how she is said, I pay enough here that they should just do what I want without asking them. There is that woman that thinks everyone is psychic. We are supposed to know exactly what she wants and how she wants it and if we get it wrong, it is our fault.--don't you love it? After we left and got to the hospital, she was all smiles and talking to the people in the waiting room. She recognized two or three people there that she knew and went to school with. They talked and she laughed---I must have forgot my mom at her apartment, I will be right back. HA!!! She did great, had her ultrasound and her blood work like a champ. She was still smiling when we left. The minute and I do mean the minute we got in the car she started, did you hear what the "director" said to me, how she smarted off to me about something?--no mom, I didn't hear that--because she didnt smart off to her. Did you hear when she said that I was capable of ringing my buzzer---well, sassy, you are!! Several other issues before she decided she would go to a store and look for clothes--yes, she decided she would go shopping. Went in the only store we have here in our small town and of course, they don't have anything here, who would wear this stuff, on and on. Where do those other ladies get there clothes, I know they don't come here. Blah Blah Blah I offered to take her out to eat and NO she didn't want to do that, but she told me I could get something but she didn't want to go in--you really want me to eat in the car, mother? I told her I would just eat lunch at her place since I wasn't sitting in the car eating--she told me that didn't bother her if I ate in the car--this isn't about you for once! Went back to her place and they came to see about her--of course they only do that when I am there, they want to show me that they care--those are her words! They talked her in to eating a sandwich with me. two of the girls came in and one asked how things went, my mom got mad because the other girl didn't ask, see how she ignores me, she didn't even ask if I was ok. I told her the other one did and she thinks they both should even though they were there at the same time--makes NO sense to me!

Here is where I had to make a break for the door. While we were eating, in her room of course, can't go to the dining room like normal people. She started talking about my grandmother's things and it got heated. She acts like we all have cheated her. She keeps telling me that she didn't get a chance to pick out what she wanted--she did and the answer was no every single time. Now she thinks everyone should be paying her for what they took "her part" of "her" mother's things. She cried and screamed about how unfair it all was and that everyone was so unfair to her. After about an hour of it, I had to leave. No one was being unfair to her, she just sees it that way like she has every other thing all her life. I cannot tell you how sick of all this I am. I am so READY for this torture to be over! I was so torn up by the time I left it has taken me another hour to calm down and write. This is where I tell you once again how much I appreciate you reading what I write. It helps more than I ever thought it could.

Question before I end?? During her ultrasound--which I hadn't had this happen before, the girl doing it went and got the radiologist. He then asked to get pics of other areas and they told us we would probably get the results later today. Does that mean anything? I have had this bad feeling, but then again, I know my mom is healthy as a horse except for her mind and attitude, she will live to be ripe like emjos mom...HA!

Jewel, there's no "me me me" about it on your part, silly! :) - it is SO nice just to get a pat on the head from an objective observer from time to time. We wear ourselves into little frazzled twigs worrying whether we're getting it right and what more we could be doing that we're not already doing and where are we going wrong.. so to hear praise is a relief and a pleasure. And in your case richly deserved, too.

Some people just find it very hard to take a compliment, or to express pride - your mother sounds very similar to mine in that respect. It's a lifelong habit that they tend to pass on…

Good luck for today, hold tight x

Thank you CM...I do her hair and I surprisingly like doing hair (maybe not just hers) but I do enjoy it. Even though she tells me later on in the visit it looks awful. I never know how to take that..does she think I do a bad job--I personally don't think so, or does she just feel like she looks bad? Either way, she has to be negative or her day wouldn't be right. Looloo the neighbor seems to want to make you feel bad for not being there--maybe not consciously but she is putting that in you. Take in what seems important and let go of what is not. (I know, advice from someone who can't seem to do the same :-) Memory care would be a great thing, she won't like it, but you will know she is safe. I feel so much better knowing my mom is safe.

The visit wasn't too good at first today, she was concerned about her appointment tomorrow, stressing out over what to wear, should she eat first, should she take her pills in the morning, how was she going to get in the car, put her shoes on, walk in the hospital, afraid they may keep her...the list goes on. I tried my hardest to let her know everything will be alright and I told her what we would do step by step. Do not eat or take pills in the morning, we will lay out your clothes today, I will pull the car up close, I will drop you off at the door--we will even get a wheel chair if you need it ( I don't need a wheel chair--well, then mom, quit acting like it), I went over step by step what we would do to make it easier. After about an hour, we got her hair washed, picked out clothes to wear and let me tell you--my mom lost so much weight over the past 3 years down to 79 pounds we had to do buy a whole new wardrobe..I put those clothes in the closet at the AL and oh my guess what? In march she had gained back to 105 pounds, now she can only fit in two pair of the pants and actually they were hers from before and two shirts that were hers before, she is back to her 135 pound self. She cried and said, now you know why I don't put my clothes on here...I said, no, you didn't put your clothes on even when these fit. So, now ladies, back to storage at some point and get in clothes boxes and take her some clothes and I guess a shopping trip (oh how this is no fun shopping for her) remember the woman doesn't like anything I pick out. Today she saw one of the other ladies and told me that her daughter shops for her all the time and I like that blouse she has on...I said, "well, maybe I will get her daughter to go shop for you"....hahahahaha...yes, I did. I didn't crack a smile and I got the evil eye from her. After washing hair, trying on clothes, washing off, putting pjs back on, she was worn out. She then started to cry "how will I make it tomorrow"...I look at her with such pity sometimes because my mom was always so strong and independent she would have never second guessed how she was going to do something. We eventually ventured up to the patio and there were about 4 other ladies (yay) because I didn't have to sit there with her by myself. One of the ladies kept telling my mom how beautiful I was (I was embarrassed to say the least) over and over she kept saying it...finally my mom looks at her and said, "yea, she is a good girl"...I just about fell out of my chair, my mom bragged on me for a moment. --then she said, "I used to be young once, but look at me now"...oh my, back to me me me.She never did like when someone bragged on me and not her. I went to school with the director and she was filling in with someone today and she was there when this conversation was taking place, she said, She is a good girl and a good daughter, she comes every week and takes care of her mom..." chalk one up for me today--IN FRONT OF MY MOM! Listen to me, I sound like her...me me me...she is rubbing off.

Thanks to all of you for thinking of me today, my daughter texted me soon as I pulled in to see my mom (she is away at college) she said, positive thoughts and when you leave, leave the negative energy behind. I could feel all of you shielding me today. It worked. God, my daughter, and all of you!!! Keep shielding me through tomorrow!! Good night and only positive thoughts.

WELL....., let's not count our chickens just yet! :). I have replaced one difficult person (mother) with another (neighbor), it seems. Still, it is probably an ok arrangement, as long as I can do the usual--establish boundaries, and try to keep things in perspective. My mother's care is still taking up most of my time and brain space, but it is much better not dealing with her 1:1. It will probably not last, and that will have to be ok too. I've begun considering maybe possibly intervening again and getting her placed in memory care before a crisis occurs--but we'll see. It would require a great deal of coordination, more contact with her, and I would need to make up a story about her home not being livable, in order to get her out. It isn't something I think is possible now, but maybe within the next year? Her neighbor won't stop with her constant commentary about how "she can't go on like this!!!" It's increasing my own stress level quite a bit, but I don't want to stubbornly stick to my guns if it doesn't make sense to. Did that make sense? Ugh, I have to unplug my brain ...

Jewel, doing your mother's hair for her is a lovely thing. Enjoy it for what it is and close your ears to anything else x

CountryMouse: I have so thought of doing that already. The only issue is she needs her hair done before the appointment and with a morning appointment, it won't give me time to do her hair first. :-( I will suck it up and go today. I woke this morning with that nasty knot in my stomach. I woke thinking I feel like I am slowly dying on the inside. I lay there telling myself, get up, get going and stop letting one person make you so miserable. After I got up, got breakfast for my family and sat outside for a bit in the sunshine, I am feeling better. It is a beautiful day and I am not going to let her ruin it. If she starts after I do her hair, then I am leaving and I will see her tomorrow. I am doing my duties as a daughter/care giver. I know it is not something I have to do, I am realizing that and maybe one day I will be able to walk away like looloo and just pay someone else to do hair and fix pill boxes and do her affairs from afar. I think I may move to the beach--sound good? Then I really would be afar. On the bright side it would be good for my spirit and the sunshine would keep me full of the vitamins I need. Haha.

Have a great day everyone!

Emjo, thinking about your mother's colourful progress through all these care settings I'm reminded of the olden days when they used to threaten crying children with being "given something to cry about…" No picture hanging committee. No personalised vitamin deliveries. Sort out your own furniture, then, if you don't like the way I do it. Let her find out how well the world turns when your unsatisfactory services aren't available, and see if she still feels like complaining after that.

I can sense your disapproval (and yes I am being facetious). But for heaven's sake at least do this insane project - three days' notice? Big of them! - in your own good time and at your own pace. Though of course you'll be glad to have it done and off your hands.

Kazzaa, as long as the cat's being looked after it might be less problematic to wait 'til you've got your own place a bit further away before you attempt to move him. You'll be back and forth all day - don't forget cats are highly territorial and really don't care for having their boundaries moved. A few days won't change his habits, not if he can see his own stamping ground from your friend's house. Thank you for all the kind thoughts: I'm missing Gretel terribly - it's just weird even going through the utility room and not seeing her dishes there. My own cat, Sweeney, was 19 when she died - she got dementia, sundowning and everything, and walked into the road one morning for all the world as if she knew what she was doing. I still miss her (Guy doesn't! - she led him such a dance, clever little thing…), but the house wasn't so changed then because at least we had another cat. It's also made me think a bit harder and more seriously about how I will feel when mother's chair is finally empty, too. Possibly I won't be hanging up bunting and throwing a party, for example. It's funny what leaves the real gaping holes in your life, isn't it?

On the other hand, enough is as good as a feast, as they say - Jewel, if you're seeing your mother on Monday to take her for tests, can you not get away with calling her first thing and explaining that driving up two days' running isn't practical for you but you'll see her tomorrow? Don't whatever you do call her and then back down, though - decide beforehand what YOU want to do and stick to it. Either way I hope the visit/s is/are a success. Big hug.

Have a good Sunday and Monday anyway Jewel. Maybe eventually it won't be such a soul-sucking experience; it'll just feel like a regular drag, like being stuck in traffic :)
Received yet another email from neighbor lady. Nothing urgent, just her shrill, panicky voice coming through. At least it's not a phone call. Those stress me out much worse. Anyway, I am ignoring and will respond on Monday. I've already spent time today doing other "mom" things and would appreciate a break.

emjo--I couldn't have said it all better myself. You just perfectly described my life in a few short paragraphs. How in the world did you know I put on a face and make everything look just peachy? Let me guess, this is all from experience. We are all different ages, in different states, and different countries, yet we each can tell how the other feels due to our own experiences. I am so happy I have found each of you. Knowing I do not have to go through this journey alone, even though it is tough, I can bare it.

edfernandez: That is how my mom started out about 5 years ago. They diagnosed her with depression and tried to say that is was all wrong with her until she got out of hand 2 years ago. I am glad you found it early and the meds are working.

Kazzaa: You have done a great job staying away and it paid off. I know the guilt of thinking now mom needs you and feels sorry for you. Don't fall in the pit. I am so glad she brought you a coat and money. She should, that is the least she can do after your 5 year roller coaster ride. Your brother will definitely find out what it's all about. Your mom sounds like she is playing both of you now. Don't tell brother, don't tell sister... Make it a joke. Laugh all the way to the store for groceries. HA! Sometimes "just knowing" is enough.

I have enjoyed my Friday and Saturday tackling my list and oh tomorrow is Sunday... I wish she would say she didn't feel like me coming, but that won't happen. I think she likes me to come, it is the highlight of her day to say mean things. Haha! Then I have Monday going for some testing for her. Two days in a roll...can I make it? I think I can, I think I can, It's all up hill from here. Can't wait for Tuesday and it will be over for a few days. I hate when I wish my life away. When I write sometimes, I think I sound just like my mom, negative nancy. I definitely don't mean it like she does.

My wife has very similar behavior. She has Moderate Cognitive Impairment. May or may not be early Alzheimers. Primary care doctor diagnosed her with depression and some bipolar disorder. She is now on and antidepressant (venlafaxine) and a mood pill (lamotrigine). Vast improvement!

Ha! emjo youd think it would be easy to get my cat?? when i call up hes out somewhere last night i felt like a stalker waiting outside my house waiting for him to come home but its warm here and he could be out all night!!

Tried calling him alot but no unless hes pissed at me! havnt seen him in a wk! I will text my brother on monday and get him and his litter tray cant take him with no litter tray. They say keep him in for a few days so funny moving your cat a few houses away is not actually that easy!
Im ok just on antibiotics which i hate and these ones cut your appetite but am starting to eat more fresh veg and fish! I am forcing myself to eat good! alot less stressed than last wk, but i tell you it takes awhile to realise youve absolutely nothing to do? I mean im struggling to find things to do? just shows you just how much our lives are so taken up by mum i mean i never had time to think NOW i have too much time and looking for things to do!! it takes time as at the back of my mind i think oh must cook mums dinner or must do this then reality hits you! Yeh strange! Everyone here is sick as its so warm during the day and cold at night but WOW great weather for us and this time of year and it will last another wk!
Getting the bus to the beach tomorrow (no car) will go for a long walk the ocean is supposed to be very calming so cant wait! i live 7miles from the beach i should spend more time there!
Hugs to all and welcome Grandma! just reading am a bit lost but ill catch up with all soon!
CM hope youre doing ok missing the cat im sure it takes time to get over a pet everyone i tell is WOW 20yrs!
Jewltone the more i read about your mum the more she sounds like mine NEVER happy!! hang in there theyd be lost without us!
emjo your mum is some cookie!! maybe she just likes moving around!! i think shes so funny OH annoying but you have to laugh at her stubborness i cant wait to get to 102 and be stubborn!! JOKE!

loo - sorry about your mil. Sounds like your hub has a great family. I wish... I think you "did good" with the neighbour. No, her problems are not your fault nor your responsibility to fix. I know that tendency - part of our upbringing. Yes, you are doing the right thing and we do have to clear the bs out of our lives as much as possible.

Mother will be moved soon apparently - we will have3 days notice. I have to line up people to take her for doctor's appointments, shop for whatever or take her shopping, have her vitamins delivered to her new place if I can, then will have to set up TV and phone, get what she wants out of storage, get pictures up on her walls, and help arrange furniture, revise her insurance and so on. And there is no guarantee that this is the last move. If the pattern continues she will be unhappy there and wanting to move within 6 months to a year. The last year at her ALF was dreadful, If she could have she would have moved out before 2 years was up. This facility will be a mental health one, so, hopefully, staff will be able to handle her and she can stay there for the duration or until she needs a nursing home.

Kazz, just stay the course, despite the pull of guilt. It sounds like you're doing right by your mum, and also yourself. Hope you have your cat back soon! Pets are....well, pretty much everything :)
It sounds like we're all doing ok, despite the challenges--cheers to all of you!
It occurred to me yesterday that part of my difficulty w/my mother's neighbor isn't all her fault--it's my very ingrained knee-jerk response to "fix", "solve", "comfort" whatever is troubling OTHER people. So, it's on me to calm myself down and reassure myself that the neighbor's own problems are NOT my responsibility to solve. In another email yesterday, she provided some info she said she'd get for me a week ago, along with a lot of virtual hand-wringing. I emailed her back today with only a thank you for the info--I didn't acknowledge any of the other stuff. It felt rude and insensitive, but I'm doing the right thing. Gotta clear the b.s.out of our lives as much as possible.
Also, my lovely, loving MIL who lives across the country, suddenly was admitted to the hospital yesterday. Not sure how she's doing, but it's so inspiring how great her attitude is, as well as my FIL and her other children. I've never seen a family with stable, caring people, keeping their heads on straight, being a comfort to each other. It's beautiful.

loo- it would be nice if the neighbour toned down. Hope the meeting with the neurologist goes well next week . Sounds like you are staying on top of things - breathe deep.

Linda -sorry about your mum's room mate. Hope she gets a good replacement.

jewel - keep building your own life. It is healthy

Multipass - detaching is part of the answer good for you

sandwich - how are things? There have been a lot of good changes for you and your mother in the last few months. I told the transition coordinator the other day that I thought mother should be medicated whether she agrees or not. I sensed a hesitation the other end of the phone. I said she was suicidal before. She was still talking suicide when I saw her before she was medicated. What does it take??? They did not get 3 crazy phone calls a day for months and see and hear her when she was at her worst. Her quality of life was dreadful Now she is back to her usual borderline self, but a bit calmer..

Kazzaa, it is possible, of course, that your mother cares about you and wants to know you're okay. Occam's Razor - the explanation that requires the fewest assumptions can often be the most reliable. Don't go back. Just thank her for the coat and the cash and let her know you're fine.

Are you fine? Sorry to gather you've been under the weather but as Emjo says it wouldn't be surprising. More chicken soup! - wish you better x

kaz - that is sad and infuriating - your mum playing her kids against one another again. Yes, she is missing you and the care you gave her, but you are right to stay away or the whole mess will start all over again. I suspect she will have another episode like she did when she collapsed recently, as she does not manage her own care properly and your bro is not giving her the care that you did. The doc may need to see that again before he/she can act. Meanwhile I hope you are recovering from that flu. I think your immune system is run down from 5 years of caregiving and all the stress. Hope you are eating properly now and looking after yourself. Is your cat with you now? He would be a great comfort.(((((hugs))))))

GrandmaD6 - I am sure your husband appreciates all you do for him and your good attitude towards him. Change of personality after a heart attack is not unusual. I see you are grieving your loss.
I am a grandma too and like jewel and others on this thread, have a mother who is negative. In fact, she has been negative all her and my life. I have been following and contributing to this thread for some time and am going to share my 2c worth with you. Most of us have been grieving the lack of the mother we needed, and didn't have, all our lives. This is not a parallel to your experience.
Your experience is based, as you say, on your husband's change of personality since his heart attack. Their and my experience is based on a life time of emotional, verbal and sometime physical abuse by a parent with a personality disorder which includes narcissism, negativity and manipulation. The experts (psychologists to which many of us have gone due to childhood abuse) say we must protect ourselves. This is what jewel and others here are learning to do. And we are supporting each other as we learn to do that.
You say "I sincerely know how you feel." Dear one, I do not think you do. This is not the same as caring for someone who has been normal and then gets ill. This is continuing to deal with a mentally ill person as they age. The parent we deal with was not happy when they were young, we could never do enough for them nor good enough for them no matter how hard we tried -and we did try. We tried so hard. We put on a good face at school and when out with friends though our hurts may have shown through once in a while. Daily we dreaded what we would meet at home. That we have turned out to be caring people is a miracle. Despite the abuse we suffered, we still care for our abusive parent. It is not easy as many of us suffer from PTSD from childhood experiences, and that PTSD gets triggered by our parent's current behaviours.
You write - "It's hard to see someone you remember as you do your mom becoming bitter with life. Do you think this is how she envisioned her "golden" years? You'd be cranky, too!" As I write above, we are not seeing a person become bitter, we are dealing at close quarters with a person, who has been bitter, demanding and argumentative all their lives - a person who some of us managed to distance from for quite a lot if our adulthood and who we now have agreed to care take, despite the past and current hurts. My mother is 102. She is in excellent physical health, but now has vascular dementia to add to the Borderline Personality Disorder. She has had every reason to have a happy contented life until the last year or so. She has a very decent income which is secure. She traveled well into her 80s. She lived in her own lovely apartment with good help into her 90s. We got her a senior nanny to be with her 24/7 when she was 95, but they quit after 9 months due to the abuse. Yes, she is still abusive even at 102. We then moved her to the ALF of her choosing and she wanted to move again after 6 months. I moved her to another ALF of her choosing - one of the best if not the best in the city. She had a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment, and "home care" for life - people to make her meals as she wished them, to shop for her, and so on. Was she happy? No. All she looked at were the things that she could perceive were wrong - and no matter what, people with this personality can find wrong things and ways they have been wronged. They have a lifetime of experience.
Another point. I am 77 and have my own health issues, and as with everyone else have imperfect children etc., but do not choose to complain and play victim - and I still care for my mother who could outlive me. I have known a number of seniors who lived into their 90s who were delightful people despite their ailments. I aspire to be like them. The professionals that care for mother say she is lucky to have me. I think that is true for the others who post here - their parent is lucky to have them as a caretaker.
Jewel started this thread to get support for herself on her ongoing journey as the caretaker of her negative mother. Many of us are walking a similar road. You know the saying, “Don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes”. It really applies here. I do not understand what you are going through with your husband, and I don't think you understand what we are going through with our parents. I sincerely hope that your husband gets some treatment for his depression and that he returns to being more the man he was. All the best and do something good for you today.

Quick update........... was on my way home last night in the dark at 9pm when i saw my mum with her cane walking up from my friends house? she called out to me but i just ignored her. she has only left a new coat and money in a bag for me at my friends door?? a note saying i got you this coat for winter and money for food? she also said you can call to house anytime just dont let your brother see you? i am furious with her so now the guilt and the lonelyness is starting to kick in? Oh she wont tell siblings this its her dirty little secret? i mean how messed up is this?
No i stand my ground and stay away until siblings see shes not right! Of course shes going to be lonely now brother is calling once a day to "check" just not good enough.
anyway doc will hopefully see her this week and he will get SS involved if he sees shes not well.
Its just disgusting mum needs me and her family around her and this should not be happening. Seems like brother is calling the shots now? but you all know he will take on more than he can handle!
I sent him an email outlining all her care meds hygiene etc sent copy to all siblings and told him SS will be in to check shes living in a safe and clean environment?

Cant wait until SS tell him whats what!

Hugs to all