Is it normal she's so negative?

GrandmaD6--you have wonderful insights to share. I just think that some people are not as kind or as mentally well-balanced as you. I appreciate your advice but I also understand that some things that seem so right are easier said than done.

I sincerely know how you feel. I went through this with my husband when he had his heart attack. The problem was that he loved life so much and he was so angry (and frightened) because he felt that it was being taken from him by something he couldn't control. It's hard to see someone you remember as you do your mom becoming bitter with life. I understand how she feels as well - she's so young to be going through this! She is suffering a huge loss - of dignity, of independence, of self-esteem, of all her dreams and expectations for her so-called golden years. That's a lot to swallow. Best wishes to you. I know you're trying your best and hopefully she will move from this stage of grieving over what is happening in her life to a stage where she finds some peace and can show she enjoys your company again. Believe it or not, she still really looks forward to your visits! Don't give up!

GrandmaD6: Thank you...It is true that this is definitely not how she envisioned her life. She reminds of it all the time. I never in a million years thought my mom--the wise, talented, beautiful, had it all together woman, would ended up this way. Especially at 68 soon to be 69. When you say: My sincere advise, not that it's easy to take, is to always respond positively. She hates her hair? You respond, "I'm sorry you don't think so but you look beautiful this way!" She hates the food? You respond, "Really, I think it's delish!" She hates the staff? You respond, "Do you think so? I always think they're so nice!""--believe me, I have tried all the above almost verbatim. Her answer to me and to my daughter when I have left the room, "you always have to say something positive and you always take someone else's side". With her, there is no winning and she is always a step ahead. She always, and I mean always has a come back and she will tell me that I have answer for everything. Taking her out hasn't worked either, she won't get dressed. I have offered to take her for ice cream--"well, they have ice-cream here, why would I want to go out for ice-cream?"--in her sarcastic voice. I have offered to bring her to my home for a visit--her response--"well, you will just have to bring me back, so no, I will just stay here"...ALWAYS has an answer and my ideas are not good enough, so I just stopped them. I do agree with her a lot and tell her I am sorry for the situation and I wish I could change it, but I cannot. I will say this, in 46 years, I have done everything possible for my mom. In the past 3 years I have cared for her, prayed for her, and moved her 3 times trying to satisfy her. I will have no regrets later, because I know in my heart of heart that I did everything just right--the best of my ability. When I am on here, I definitely let it all out, but to her--except on one or two occasions I make everything seem just peachy and wonderful!--then I come home and scream it all out!! Thanks for the advice and the black hole of negativity sucks me in, but I don't let it keep me all day. :-)

Of course it's normal! Do you think this is how she envisioned her "golden" years? You'd be cranky, too!

My sincere advise, not that it's easy to take, is to always respond positively. She hates her hair? You respond, "I'm sorry you don't think so but you look beautiful this way!" She hates the food? You respond, "Really, I think it's delish!" She hates the staff? You respond, "Do you think so? I always think they're so nice!"

Let her know you understand this is not how she thought things would be and that you're so sorry that thing aren't always the way we envisioned them but that you feel so much better knowing she's safe and well cared for. Let her know how much you love her and wish that all her expectations had been possible. But don't let her pull you into her negativity.

Change the subject, take her out now and again, bring her treats you know she likes, be positive - and have a good scream in the shower now and then! It's hard to deal with but she won't always be with you and when she's gone you'll truly be able to smile when you say in a most loving way, "She was a pain in the neck sometimes but I miss her."

I am glad you have calmed down looloo. It is so stressful taking care of business. What makes it even harder is it is not our business we are taking care of. My business has been on the back burner for 3 years now. Linda: I would not move!! It is never a good idea to move and give up your home. I even wish I hadn't moved my mom closer. I wish she were still an hour a way. At least I could feel like I have some distance. I drive by her AL everyday and sometimes two or three times a day. I feel guilty not stopping, but it wouldn't be pleasant so I just take a deep breath as I pass and tell myself she is safe, warm, fed, and looked after.

I called her earlier to tell her of her appointment on Monday for the ultra sound. She seemed fine with it but she is worried about getting her clothes on. Not sure if I have mentioned but my mom has been in her pajamas for over a year now. She refuses to get her clothes on. She attends their church service in her pjs, she sits out on the patio with the ladies in her pjs and any other activity that she participates in--in her pajamas. Ha! She does change her pjs and washes off, but hasn't been in the shower but once since March. I first worried about it, but that is trivial. As long as she cleans up, I don't care. Even the nurse and doctor stated how much better my mom looks. Well, she minds them better than she minds me. Ha! But the back side to this is she always asks me where she can get some new clothes.--So and so brings their mother clothes, on and on. She won't even freaking put them on!!! :-0

I did what I said today--I painted, did laundry, ran errands, paid bills and cleared my mind a bit. Since I called my mom this morning, I will not talk to her until I go on Sunday. Yay me. I am going to complete more on my list tomorrow. When I can complete my list of things that will help put my household back to some normalcy, I am going to celebrate. It may take me a few months, but I am diligently working toward my goals.

I did the above things on my list today without complaining or disputing. :-)
Now, Sunday, I will probably complain, but I won't dispute.--just to give a heads up. Happy Friday night!!

And the beat goes on....my mom's roommate passed away yesterday. She was a sweet, lovely woman who was very quiet and passive as a roommate. They've had one case of norovirus and are trying to contain any spread so Mom is in her room, "quarantined". So Mom's stuck in her room (she never stays in her room) and worrying about who her next roommate will be. I can't go see her, as the last thing I need to do is either bring this bug to my husband or FIL, or catch it myself. The thing with all of us being worn to a nub is we're so vulnerable to flus and bugs. Oy, after a few days of worrying about the next roommate while in solitary, there's going to be trouble in River City. Steeling myself for her full court press to move out of there...

Sigh...I really need to improve detaching from my mother's neighbor better. I thought I WAS doing better, but I got sucked right back in this morning. Feeling better now though -- my husband talked me down, bless him. When she calls or even emails me, she's practically hysterical with panic and worry, I'm not exaggerating. It's just awful for me to deal with. I MUST stop reflexively reacting to her -- maybe come up with a mantra or something the minute I see her email, or as soon as the phone says it's her.
After a full week of nothing from her, this morning I got 2 phone calls and 2 different emails. As usual, she was talking a mile a minute, leaving out details that would have been helpful...just FREAKING OUT. After trying to get my own adrenaline to go down, I try to calm HER down enough to get some facts. Turns out that my mother found her other golf cart key and was going to try to drive it (no license anymore, she can't drive). I'm 99% sure that the electric golf cart isn't plugged in, AND the batteries are dead, so I'm not really worried that anything would happen--plus, I'm at that point now where if something DID happen, I would probably be able to tell myself that I've done everything I could.
Anyway, this neighbor actually ended up being able to take the key away (see? she's actually helpful in many ways). My mother can't possibly have more than 2 keys to the golf cart, and now the neighbor has both of them. So, there is no REASON to panic. Why can't she just email me and INFORM me of what happened, so at least I know. Instead she has an absolute TIZZY FIT, and I spend my time AT WORK no less, having to calm HER down, then THANK her, then process all the b.s. going on in my stressed out head and body.
The other phone call was about my mother misplacing her prescriptions. I reassured her that I had shipped new refills last week, and yesterday. The emails were about how she believes the gardeners still haven't come, after 4 weeks. I was down there myself on Tuesday, and frankly, things look fine. I had asked her last week when she brought it up if she'd be able to get me a phone number or two of other gardners -- but she never responded with any info. When I was there Tuesday, I drove around and took down a few numbers of gardeners I saw, and will follow up this week.
Anyway, I guess the good part of this is that it gave me more info to put into my letter to her neurologist, whom she'll see next week.

Amen, Jeweltone! I am so looking forward to the weekend because we have this one to ourselves! We have so much to do with the property and our home, laundry, and I might even slip a little nap in - gosh that would be AWESOME! I hope all of you have a lovely day!!

CountryMouse: I love it..."let her hate you as long as she fears you"...I have feared that woman for soon to be 47 years. When she said to me: I guess I have to do what you say, I wish I could have said: "Well, I have done what you have said for 46 years, it's your turn"...Hahaha! That would be great! Multi: You said it---THE SKY IS FALLING! That is exactly how she acts every time something happens. It is always catastrophic. Even if it is 30 min later when they come for breakfast. I would hate to see how she really handled a catastrophe.

Linda: When I lived at home my mom had me to the doctor many times for being so thin and sick all the time. Any time something went around, I caught it...I was always sick to my stomach, headaches, etc. As I got older, I got better and after I got married. Viola I was better, I gained weight, I didn't sick anymore...I didn't really know the difference honestly until a few years ago it hit me. I was so anxious living at home with her that it physically made me ill. I wake many times still with that ill feeling, but as the day goes on I am able to shake it. But yes, looking back, her behaviors made me ill. Emjo: I know what you mean about not having the ability to have that compassion or empathy for others. They are missing the link and I do believe that is real. My mom was a middle child we sometimes "blame" that, but mental illness carries with it so much, who knows what the real culprit is. Most of it also comes from most of us, including their parents, have always enabled these behaviors.

The nurse called back about the place that came up on my mom's neck. They are wanting an ultrasound of it and labs drawn. I am dreading that, just getting her ready and encouraging her to get out to go will take an army. They will let me know today when that appointment is. I know most people look forward to Friday and the weekend, but I have never hated the weekends to come so bad until now. Philippians tells us to do things without complaining and disputing, but I will tell you, that is so hard to practice especially when the one you are doing these things for complains and disputes. I will pray for less complaining even if it is on my part. :-)

Multi: Your mom's behaviors are also out of your hands. If she washes windows, then let her wash windows. Tell her you bet they look good... HA! The laugh is on her. I wish I could take my own advice, even though I do take all of yours at different times.

I have a life to live, laundry to do, painting that needs to be done and the list goes on. I MUST put her misery--that I am NOT responsible for, out of mind and get busy with my own life. She had her chance at life and now I am wasting my chance thinking how to do hers better. How wrong is that? It is wrong I will tell you! Boy, I think I just had an epiphany. I just saw in front of me what I just said out loud. I am losing what I could be doing because I am trying to redo her life for her. Not today I am not!!! Today I will do what I want and what I need to do for my self and my household.---tomorrow may be a different story I tell, but TODAY is a good day to have a good day! Hope you join me!!!

Jewel, I seriously think my mom is living a double life as yours. Today I called her the first thing out of her mouth was,

"Oh, I'm just sitting here thinking of all the things I have to do. Yesterday really wore me out sanding the window frames and I'm in so much pain. You see, it's an ordeal - I have to take all my equipment out and then I had to wash each window afterwards - let's see how many are there - 16 sections, yes 16 - it's a BIG deal." (Oh, I'm sorry, by now I only hear the adult-speak that was displayed in all the Charlie Brown TV specials...)

Yikes! Ok, Miss Sunshine and kitten farts! She wanted me to know just how bad it was because we didn't run down there to paint a window frame. The sky is falling! I'm more concerned about her health, so I suggested she talk to her doctor about better pain management. But, no, that's just crazy talk according to her.

She would jump up and down if I told her I would give up my husband and home to come live with her. (Maybe in secret, but she'd do it.) I've really detached myself from her martyrdom. I hope she doesn't hurt herself but she won't listen to me. Frustrating. Have a great day all!

Jewel, my mom is much like yours and it just doesn't stop. Back in the day, when their life wasn't just "ideal", they made sure someone made it ideal. And now, they insist there are unexplored options out there we need to employ to make their lives ideal once again. I'm now going to try refusing to even discuss why she needs care, or any of the ground we've been going over and over. I've done every self protective thing I can think of, save just walking away. She's succeeded in making my sister and I physically ill, constantly nauseous and exhausted with her viciousness, her barrage. I have a husband to care for and to spoil. I just need to get better at working in my garden or knitting, and shaking it all off.

((((((jewel)))). It all sounds so familiar. Mother's solution was to move and move and move - hoping for greener pastures. She pressured me and pressured me, and I am sure it will keep happening. For me, detaching is the way to break free and also less and less contact. She is unhappy. Too bad. There is a phrase "Suck it up, princess", that passes through my mind, though I have never said it to her. Mother would have had me leave my family too and get an apartment next to hers and look after her. Then she wanted me to move into her ALF to look after her. Actually years ago one of her cousins wanted me to leave my family and look after her and her declining husband. It is so outrageous! They can't see the needs of others. I really think that they can not - empathy is not wired into them. My first husband was like that. A counsellor had us do some tests and then called me I alone and told me that my (then) husband was lacking in the ability to see how his actions affected others. He said it would not change. Eventually we parted. I suspect having the mother that I do figured in me choosing him as a husband. Thankfully, I know better now.

Jewel, would it help, I wonder, to arm yourself with a mental whip that you crack every time you get the 'poor me wicked you' message from her? Let her hate you so long as she fears you! This way she has of accusing you is so utterly remote from reality it's ridiculous. Pure fantasy. You don't have to join in, but as long as you choose to care for her you might as well get some private fun out of mocking it to yourself.

I hear ya, Jewel. Maybe one of these days, she'll catch you at just the wrong moment, and you won't have the patience. I don't know how I managed the past 25+ years without biting my mother's head off. I know I did plenty of times as a kid and teenager. As an adult though, I felt so guilty for being a dissapointment and a failure in her eyes that I tolerated a lot of awful behavior from her. I guess we're even now. Half my life telling her exactly what was on my mind, and the other half not saying a thing, just taking all her crap.
You've detached in many ways, and that's good. Keep it up! And may I suggest investing in a good punching bag and some gloves? It's a fantastic stress release! ;) hugs....

Emjo undercooked oatmeal IS abuse! - bleeeeaaargggh :¢(

But probably not served up deliberately as part of a class-hatred conspiracy, as I suspect my MIL would insist.

Jewel at the other extreme my mother is the prime candidate for getting genuinely forgotten about. She'll sit there for hours until the smell of burning martyr becomes so overpowering at the nurses' station that she gets remembered again. "Speak! Use words!" I urge her. "You cannot expect people to be psychic." Nope. She'd rather weep silent tears…

Just agree, it's quicker. Or offer to 'write to The Times'..?

Another thought--How can it be so real that someone truly believes they are the only person that needs their breakfast at 8:30, or the only person that pays for their apartment? Why can't she understand there are other people..that's the whole problem. She wants to be home alone with one caregiver to do everything she wants and needs---ME!!! She would love it --(not really, there would be something wrong) if I came in and said, I give up my husband, my kids, my dog, my cat, my house, and most of all my life to take care of you. That would thrill her knowing that I could no longer go anywhere or do anything without her knowing it and I would be there at her beck and call. My mind doesn't even allow me to go to that place when it comes to my own children. I would not want them to give up everything to take care of me. All I hope is that they would come visit me and I will be pleasant toward them and very happy to see them.

When I hear those words from her it is so hard to comprehend: when she says, "I guess I have to do what you say"--like I am making her do things. She didn't do what I asked before (that's why she is where she is) why would I expect her to do it now. She just knows that she can't move without me. I am NOT moving her, I am NOT, sam I am. I don't care if there isn't anything left when this is all over, I am not doing it. As each day passes and more of these conversations come up, I am thinking how I can break free from all this. I feel like I am planning a prison break. I can see the sunshine and the green pastures, but they look so far away.

jewel - my mother would fuss and complain if her meal or shower was 10 or 15 minutes late. It became a national crisis. Undercooked oatmeal ONCE was elder abuse. It is how they are wired and really nothing to do with normal life. I will never forget one time my mother was visiting. I had gone to the grocery store, loaded my groceries in the trunk of the car, driven home, opened the trunk and left it open as I carried bags of groceries into the house. Mother happened to see the trunk was open and freaked. "Your trunk is open". "Yes, mother, I am bringing in the groceries." It doesn't take much to set them off - just the normal ups and downs of life.

It is not your responsibility, but, I know, hard to shed those feelings of guilt as we have been blamed for the time of day since childhood. You are doing well, as are others here. Just keep detaching, sharing here, and setting boundaries. Reading about the disorder helps too. It is a disorder. They are wired differently. People the age of our parents were not diagnosed, never mind treated. There was no awareness, and not much even now. Even when there is treatment it is not often successful, unfortunately. Have a good day, regardless.

Here we go agian...on the merry-go-round of caregiving. Once again I have been shot out of the cannon. As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, my mom had a place come up around her neck area. We have been waiting on the doctor to come visit from pallative care. They called me this morning stating they would be down to see her today. I called my mom to let her know they would be there to check on her. At first, I thought things were going well. After telling her they were coming, she said, okay with a pleasant voice.--I had expected her to moan and groan not wanting them to come...but pleasantly surprised she was okay with it. Then, BANG!!! She said, "you have to get me out of here!"...I got silent and she proceeded to tell me the reason I needed to get her out..... here is what she said, "Do you want to know that they are supposed to come in here every morning by 8:30 with my breakfast?" "Well, this morning it was 9:00 before they come in"...She was crying and whining... I was still silent. She said, are you hearing me? Yes, I hear you. They didn't come in by 8:30. "No, and when I asked them why they didn't come they told me they were seeing to other residents"...Me: Really? They were only 30 minutes... She said, "Well, do I not count around here?" I am on the first floor and they had to pass my room to get to the elevator to go to the other residents".... I said, "maybe the other resident pushed their button and they had to check on them first. Next time they aren't there by 8:35 push your button"... She said, "well, that makes them mad"... "When I moved in here it was the deal that they bring me breakfast every morning by 8:30" "I pay for this place just like everyone else"... blah blah blah!!!! I said, mom I am at work and I wanted to let you know the doctor is coming. She said, "I guess I am at your mercy and I HAVE to do everything you say now, right?" "don't I?" I sit in silence again, did not answer her and she hung up on me.--- ALL BECAUSE THEY DIDN:T COME FOR BREAKFAST AT 8:30!!!!! There is that woman who thinks she is the only one and no one else should come first but her!!! She thinks she doesn't count because they weren't there at exactly 8:30. If it had been 9:30 or 10:00 then I could see to be upset....30 min she is not going to starve...

She always ends the conversation by putting the blame back on me! It is my fault that she is miserable, it is my fault that she didn't get breakfast on time, it is my fault she cannot stay alone... (I don't really believe all that, but SHE does) That hurts..but more than anything it makes me angry!! I would love to give her away as though she were an old sweater that I cannot wear anymore!!

Okay, had to get it off my chest so I can go on with my day! Thanks once again for listening and carry the burden with me...love to all

Countrynouse, you are a Good Cat Person. Hugs, and may another cat or two or three someday be blessed enough to belong to you.

Jeweltone, That was very touching and nice. Good luck to you Kazz.

Kazz: I have a whole book in my head. Ha! Just putting it on paper would also take much time. I am with you on just finding out who I am again. I went to the gym (fitness center) for the first time today in a long while. I intend on going every night, then I say...oh well, maybe tomorrow. Tomorrow is here and I went!! Yay me! You are tough and will definitely get through this. Prayers are answered in the most undesired way sometimes, take it and run--well, walk. :-) Your time with your mom was not wasted, I do believe that we are put in situations for different reasons. We are to learn something from it. You will figure all that out! We can choose to transfer or transform our emotions. You can transfer your emotions into each day or each situation or you can decide to transform those emotions into something beautiful down the road. If you choose to transfer these emotions then each day it will be like drinking poison and you will end up very sad and lonely. Choose to transform them. It will take time, it will NOT happen over night. A butterfly doesn't start out a butterfly. It is transformed from the most unlikely thing. You are now able to start weaving your cocoon and you will fly out of this a better person. Hugs to you!!!

Hugs to you Kazzaa, I hope you start to feel better soon and have some good luck from now on, hope you find a job you like.

Hi guys and hugs! well i am now officially no longer my mums carer! i told her docs everything that i can no longer do this and be accused of lies anymore. showed him the bruises i got the usual BS well we havnt seen any signs of this behaviour??

Oh so done with this BS! he rang mum while i was there and brother answered he spoke to mum and she was soooooo chirpy! no she cant come in and see him this wk she has visitors????? has she? yes maybe next wk? doc got a bit agitated and said no you have to come in as i cant give your pills until ive seen you? so shes seeing him next tuesday anyone want to bet that she will turn up? oh will bring brother if she does and BOY are my ears going to be burning that day BUT i got in and told him all i mean OMG its like classic text book dementia!

Anywhoo im done im not happy or relieved or anything im just so angry it came to this it will be hard to switch off from this but it will take time.

I do not want to see my mum for a long time im too mad as for siblings i think we are most definetly done! so whats next another hospital visit for mum so theres nothing i can do anymore.

Mmmmm what to do am twiddling me thumbs now!! i have started reading again which is good as havnt read a book in years! i am trying to eat my veg ive been walking so baby steps! Not going to be easy walking past my mums house everyday but for now its better than nowhere!
Will move cat and stuff this wkend that will be hard but get in and get it done!

Brother texted me to say there was a letter in the front porch for me? treated like im dirt after five years of mums care? but the sh*t hasnt even begun yet when mum knows im off for good she will get so mad and is bound to snap at brother she cannot fool them all for long!
anyway mum is now on her own so she is SS and brothers care now doc wants to see her before he decides on SS? EH DOC ive already contacted them! but they will not move until Doc says so?

I am sick drained and just wish i could hit a switch and it would all go away but its going to take time to adjust to my new life and my future. I tell you its sureal like ok now what do i do! well first i have to start eating lost 7pounds this week once i stop shaking and let go of so much anger ill be fine!

I mean who knows i may get a job as a carer for some nice little old lady who dosnt have dementia! Eh i have experience!! LOL

Hugs to all ill still be here not as much but i will now concentrate on helping you guys!! i could be the agony aunt of carers!

Hey my journeys far from over here but at least i have time to retreat and find out who the hell am i anyway! yes i think i need to regroup and get stronger so when mum needs me ill be mentally able to face her again!
My guts are telling me something will happen soon in the next few wks so we will see! be nice to have money and totally get away far away but that wont be possible. sad isnt it i wanted to be mums daughter again and not her punching bag hopefully this all works out and i can visit her and take her out but never be her carer again i could never go back to that unless she was just further gone and placid and also drugged up!
Doc wanted to give me sanex but i declined im very shaky but ill calm down once i get used to this change of life!

I will now take up my spanish lessons and go to the beach more then i have to look for work as Social welfare are on my back yeh get a job or care for mum they dont care what youve been through i just had a look today and there are no jobs here its just scary! but you have to try or they will cut your money so fast! gosh i signed off today as her carer and like that im a jobseeker now.they dont mess around! no respite money!! anyway im no better or no worse off finacially so thats ok i just feel so bad to have to ask a friend to help me even though shes fine about it its not easy to depend on someone else!

Things will get better so i just have to be strong now!

Hugs to all ill catch up with you all soon! jeweltone have you written that book yet??

Lol, wow -- your stories bring a few of my own to mind!
1) The endless demand for our GRATITUDE. I know (now) what healthy and heartfelt gratitude is -- and I'm grateful for that ;), hee hee. Example from my mother: I work part time at the place where my mother used to work. She's been retired for at least 25 years now, but as one of her perks, she is supplied with a free "park anywhere you want" permit -- which she hasn't had any need for the entire time. Normally, I would have to pay quite a bit for my own permit, or park on the street, which is very difficult. She offered me her parking permit, which is a huge convenience for me. It's only been within the last year that she seems to have forgotten about having given it to me, which is a blessing, because she'd bring it up all the time -- "how is my parking permit working?" "are you still using my parking permit?" And I'd have to SHOWER her with the most effusive thanks every time in order to please her. "It's working great, Mom! Thank you SO MUCH!!" "Yes, I'm still using it! And I'm sure the others are so jealous of me, since I can park so easily! It's like GOLD!" Sheesh.... No wonder I'd be so drained after visiting or talking to her.
Next story, which would always really upset me. My mother has always seemed to be a dog lover. We've always had dogs, and I never questioned that she seemed nuts about them (I am too, by the way). However, her only involvement with them was to pet them, talk to them, and give them treats. My father always did all the 'grunt' work. When I was an adult, married, etc., they adopted a retired grehound (wonderful, sweet dog). This dog favored my dad (I called her a 'flirt' because she really loved men!). That did NOT please my mother. But it was my dad who really interacted with her, so what did she expect? Anyway, she'd make all sorts of wistful, sigh-filled comments over the years, about how this dog didn't like her as much as my dad. Time goes by, and the day comes to put her down. My mother LOVES to tell this story -- how my father was in the room with the dog during her final moments. My mother, on the other hand, was in the waiting room, crying, and being comforted by the staff. My poor mother, such a sad sad day for her...
Anyone who's gone through this with their own pet, I'm sure can relate to the anger I feel, every time she'd bring up this story.

Wow, Sandwich, you must have met my mom. How did you know she NEEDS SO MUCH attention? Before she became ill and was this wise, smart, beautiful, talented woman; she still needed so much attention. If we were in a group of people, she wanted to be the one to talk and tell her stories. The minute someone else had a "story" then after a few minutes, she would start looking around the room and sometimes just get up from the group. YOu could see her start to lose interest. She would also at times say, "did you see how they ignored me?" When it was her ignoring the other "stories". When she would come to visit us, if my kids didn't RUN to the door and greet her and carry on about how happy they were to see her, she would say, "Well, I guess they don't want to see me today". --who wants to hear that? If we didn't make her center of attention, then we didn't want her there. Most of the time we didn't after the negativity started. She STILL today seeks attention. The weird thing is though, she really wants the attention, but she doesn't want to be in the presence of other people. She likes to choose her time and wants people to be on top of it when she is ready. As long as you were praising her, making over her, and making her feel wanted; she was absolutely fine. But, in one minute, she could change to this hateful woman that hated everyone in the room. She could make you feel like you were scum of the pond--the lowest of low. We walked on eggshells for years with her and we still are to a lesser degree. The whole family--her sister, brother, aunts, me, my kids,and even my dad have all said we did the enabling. We allowed her to throw her tantrums and did everything she said. I guess to keep the peace so we didn't have to catch her wrath. Well, looking back, we caught it anyway. VICTIM! That's what she has played most of her life. She is always the victim. Someone always hurts her. My mom though, if someone "hurt" her (in her eyes) she burned that bridge. She never went back for more. Even if it were something silly, she still was done. She has lost so many friends, family members, and I will tell you, I have wanted to walk away many times. I wish I had when I had the chance. Now she is ill, I feel I can't just walk away. I am pulling back.

I so agree we need to qualify for something. Vacation sounds great! I think when it gets like this, we should get permission to walk away without guilt or shame.

CountryMouse: I am SO SO sorry about you needing to have to make decisions about the cat. That is hard enough in itself. The emotions with your mom and now this. Today is a new day, then tomorrow. As time goes on the sadness will still be there, but it will lessen each day, each month. To some of us, animals are very much a part of our family and we miss them terribly when they are gone.

Cheers to another day! Let us rejoice and be glad in it....

Jewel, if I've got this right:

your mother didn't want you to pay for the scarf but you did
she didn't want you to even though you did
she did want you to but, according to her, you didn't
she didn't want to tell you about it but somehow it just popped out - she did want you to pay for the scarf
so you paid for the scarf…

but she didn't want you to.

So, sorry, who is the one who's dazed and confused? Because, hey, you're just trying to follow her train of thought.

Moral: make your own decisions and don't worry about it!

I've just had my own object lesson in carrying my mother's emotional can. Her pushing 20 year old cat, who actually I've grown very fond of, has had chronic respiratory problems for more than 2 years. Back and forth, back and forth, surgery, antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, you name it. But the little thing is a trouper, seems content, just gets on with life, no trouble, even makes friends with the dog. Really endearing. Anyway. This morning, she is bubbling bloody mucus from both nostrils. And as I swab her little nose - no complaints, she sits patiently and lets me get on with it - I take a critical look at the rest of her. And I think: if I went to someone else's house, and I saw a cat this underweight, flanks heaving with every breath, obvious spinal problems, not able to purr or swallow more than the gravy off her food…

So I take mother to task - we've had numerous discussions over the years about 'when the time might come' - and after some confabulation (apparently it's one of the children's cat. She has no idea whose. She can't remember where the cat came from, but definitely one of the girls said Gretel was her cat…) and some tears, and the mulish face that says "you are being horrible to me but I refuse to comment", I pick up the cat, tuck her under my arm and go out to call the vet.

So I'm on the phone, describing today's symptoms, and realise that I'm rubbing the cat's ears and she's rubbing her cheek (now clean, thank God) on my shoulder - one perfectly happy, contented little cat whose euthanasia I'm discussing in urgent terms with the vet's office. I have a qualm. But next thing I know the receptionist is saying that the vet is already on her way to our house. It's almost as if she'd been expecting us to ring, or something.

The vet is brilliant with her patient - that is, with mother. She explains. She asks permission. She reassures. Mother agrees that ***I*** think it is the right thing to do (I've said nothing!) and gives her consent. We proceed from mother's room ceremonially bearing the cat on a warm, clean bath sheet. The cat co-operates fully. She has had extensive experience of vets, all of it positive. I feel a total traitor. The deed is done. I weep buckets, as does the vet's assistant - the vet herself is being professional but accepts a bolstering cup of tea. Mother? Tchah. Mother takes this as an injury done to herself. Not a question of the cat's suffering and lines being drawn. A question of whether mother will be upset to lose her cat.

She will be, of course, once she does grasp that the cat is dead and therefore will not be pinching salmon off the table ever again (actually she never did - this was just mother's conviction that she would if she ever got the chance). We both will miss having a cat around the place - first time in 22 years for me, first time in heaven knows how long for mother. It's going to be feel very odd.

I don't know, I just feel really resentful that I got left holding the baby. I didn't want to kill the cat any more than she did. I'm sure the decision was right but I still feel terrible. Not fair.

Thank you everyone for sharing all this stuff. It's painful to bear it alone, and it becomes transformed into understanding and laughter to share it.
The big trap is that the Borderline is constantly looking outside herself for a fix. In contrast I think of a Buddha saying I heard somewhere: "The moment one ventures outside himself searching for peace, he is already going in the wrong direction." What a great lesson for us! Did we need our crazy family to demonstrate that truth in the negative? Who knows? Maybe God knows.

Sandwich, I love the idea of qualifying for therapy and vacation. I already gave myself permission for the therapist and I am so glad I did. Next week I am working a week in Maine and it will certainly feel like a vacation.

Remember, with narcissists, it is NOT about what they need in life. It's about control and constructing situations to feel their endless need for attention, at any cost. "If nobody is paying attention to me, then I might not exist." And "you are all here for my use. You have no needs of your own."

With borderlines (new name is emotionally unstable disorder), it's about control and manipulation. "I'll smother you to death so you won't leave me because I have no self-image or control over my emotions" and "You are all good or all evil to me".

Either one is a ticket to crazy-town for caregivers. Combine them and add a dash of other common companion problems (co-morbidities), and as a caregiver, you will find yourself running ragged for no acknowledgement, no appreciation, constant manipulation, emotional blackmail, stress, anxiety, and eventually PTSD of your own from dealing with this "package" on two legs.

Having a parent or care-receiver like this ought to qualify us for free lifetime therapy and annual vacation to some place with no internet access and 24-hour open bar.

One survival skill that is hard to do, but a real sanity saver is detachment with love. Google it. It's a technique for people who have any kind of destructive/toxic person in their lives. I can say it works. Between this and learning some anxiety control mind exercises, I am here today to vouch for it.

If it hadn't been for this site and the wonderful people on it, I probably would have a total breakdown by now with my lovely Cluster B mother. This is where I learned about detaching with love, boundaries, and got connected to some pretty life-changing support to deal with all this.

The hard part was admitting what was really going on, embracing the reality that mom's dementia was too far along for therapy to work for her, and finally getting her to care givers who could see through her monkey-shines and manipulation. And who were willing to be honest with me about her!

Multi:: YOu are not hogging the post. I love how you have started opening up and putting your words out there. YOu were worried at first, just as I was, about talking about your mom. I only see it as letting off the steam that they build up in our minds and our souls. My mom still does the same thing about my dad. Not as bad now, but I was definitely her pawn. When they divorced she would call me to take his stuff to him that he wanted, meet her at court, get things from him he took that she wanted. All the above. :-( I didn't really realize at the time what was happening, but when I figured it out, I stopped all of it. I finally told her she would have to contact him, because I wasn't doing it anymore. She did get mad, but what else could she do to me for saying no? Stop talking to me, that would have been a blessing! My mom too, was very smart, bright, intellegent, talented, wise, I trusted what she told me. She just didn't take her own advice and look where she ended up...miserable and alone. My mom also thinks I have changed because I don't do the things she thinks I should do for her...because you know she IS my mother...haha I have learned to say no, but it is difficult at times.
My mom bought me a comforter once (I was looking for a certain color and she found it when I wasn't with her) and I tried to pay her when she first brought it. She told me no because I may choose to take it back and I could just wait. Well, first of all, she bought it and I would dare take it back or I would have heard how she couldn't pick anything out for me, blah, blah, blah. Later, I told her I was keeping it and tried to pay her. She refused to take the money once again. About 6 months to a year later, she brought up the comforter and how I never paid her for it...uuugghh!! When I explained that I had tried, her remark was "not hard enough" with a big laugh!! Really?? I sent her a check for the comforter and she never cashed it. Shew. She just wanted to complain.

The saga will continue, but at least we have the encouragement and support where we need it. Go Super Heros!!!

So, anyone - if my mom says she has so little money, (And the biggest reason, of which I'm reminded each day is because she loaned some to my husband and I when he was unemployed so that we wouldn't lose our home) why would she want to spend money on paint so she can make the cupola on the roof (which no one can see if the paint is blistering) look better?

I mean, that isn't a priority to me. My husband and I are still getting back on our feet. We have tried on three occasions to make small payments back to her and you know how she responded? With a brushoff of "oh, just don't, you can wait until you have more." Ok, that's rather insulting, especially when I find out that she told my brother that we have not made any effort to give her any money back. The paint on our home is peeling, too. However, like her, we live 200+ feet off the road and it's certainly not a priority. Not surprising, coming from the same women who complains that the leaves are falling off another neighbor's tree already and blowing into her yard, because certainly none of HER trees are causing any problems.

Oh, and this really bakes my cookies: when my parents divorced 25 years ago, my mom had to send my dad yearly insurance information, since he has to send her money to maintain health insurance. Well, because she was so devastated and didn't want my dad's new wife "to see her handwriting" because she's a private person, I agreed to pass the info along to him. What I did NOT agree to, though, was to follow up on it and she constantly complains about the timing of his payments, and asks me if I've talked to him. So, I just told her, "I agreed to pass the info along to him, but that's it. If you want to follow up with him I suggest you send him a letter." She was not pleased about that at all and said I was being a "smart-aleck".

If nothing else you may find this entertaining - once again a parent putting a child between them. Sorry, don't mean to hog this post today but I still am fascinated by my mom being so prudish and particular and proud of being naïve about the world. She would have made a great debutante. She was most likely this way when I was young, but I didn't notice it as much because I was living under her wing. Smart lady, and has given me some brilliant advice in my lifetime, but she would never follow it herself.