Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
And, like you suggested, I think my husband and I are moving toward "being lousy caregivers", because she is so demanding and particular that there's no way we can do all the little tasks that she needs us to do. So, the more I suggest to her that she hire the work done, or ask a close by friend, the more peeved she is becoming. I know soon she will get really mad and say, "just don't bother, I'll be gone before long, anyway, no one cares, your dad did this, after all I've done for you..." I think I got all the typical responses in. Then, we won't talk for months. I'm telling you, she will NEVER be the one to call. I'd have to make a move.
Looloo - so true, we take pride in what we do and how we care for others. And some just take advantage of it. I hear, "But I'd do it for you." all the time from her!
Jeweltone - your friend sounds lovely and you are sweet to clean his room. He has a fantastic attitude - sorry it can't rub off on your mom. We just have to remember that some people will stay in their misery forever. My mom is starting to use the word, "depressed" more often now, but refuses to do anything about it. WE are supposed to cure that, don't you know. We don't visit enough, we're not doing things right and we don't do them soon enough, we talk to my dad. So-and-so's children are ALWAYS visiting their mother. If we changed, she wouldn't be depressed! (Sarcasm)
tonight my husband and I went to visit a life long friend of ours that got a blood clot in his leg and an infection in his spine 6 weeks ago and almost didn't make it. He is in a rehabilitation center about 30 min from home and is excited he will be coming to the center in our home town this week. He always loves when we visit and tells us he is happy to see us. Tonight his room was a mess. He said housekeeping hadn't been there today. I felt so sorry for him with it looking like that. I put on gloves and cleaned up his room. He kept telling me thank you and I didn't have to do it.--(which he really meant). But I wanted to do that for him, just as I would do for my mom. She just expects it and doesn't appreciate it. Before we left he still was thanking us and telling us to come by when he gets moved back closer to home. He is wanting pizza and we have already decided to take him a pizza party when he comes home. I love doing for people, but when it comes to my mom, I just resent it. I don't really need anyone to tell me thank you, I don't even care about that. It was a nice visit and I am glad we got to take the time to go. He has been on his back for 6weeks and not walked and still so happy to be here. My mom can walk and do what she wants and she is miserable. Go figure.
Before we understood what was wrong with my mom, she would call the ambulance and go to the ER. She would have never done that prior to being sick. Gosh, they never cease to amaze me.
We're you relieved, glad, etc. that your mom found someone else to take her to the ER? Was it a true emergency? My mother doesn't have that behavior of too many hospital visits, but I'd get pretty fed up pretty fast, if it were me.
Actually, you don't have to change: she already finds everything you do wrong, right? ha. Got to find the humor and insanity in this.
My mom didn't even call me the other day: she asked someone else to take her to the emergency room. Then a few days later she acted like nothing happened.
Tomorrow, I'm making the trek down to my mother's house. Will 'sneak' in while her home care person is taking her to her dentist appt. My mission (should I choose to accept it, lol) is to: take her supply of checks, take the safe deposit keys, and return her pet carrier to the garage -- we accidentally drove it home with us when we took her car away in July. I'll also pick up a prescription for her, since I just recently took that responsibility over, and will visit her safe deposit box and either copy the documents and return the copies to the box, or just take the documents home with me to the box I set up near me last Friday. And, fingers crossed, she will be none the wiser!
Also, while I'm in her community, I'll need to speak to a few of the gardeners, and line up a new one for her. I've never thought much of her gardeners--for years now, they've been breaking her outdoor lights regularly and never replacing them, they NEVER return my calls, and won't do ANYTHING that obviously needs taking care of, like trimming bushes around the window, pulling out/replacing dead plants, covering up wires with the gravel landscaping, and so on. I've been taking care of that stuff, which is an enormous pain the a-- since I live so far away. All they seem to do is cut grass, nothing more. According to her neighbor, they haven't been by in about 3 weeks, and I've noticed that their billing has been wonky the past few months.
And, last, the Jewish High Holy days start this week, and after devoting all my brain power for the past several days as to how to HANDLE this (what to do? how much should I involve myself? fret, worry, fret some more...), I decided I'll call her temple today and let them know her situation. I'm sure someone will be happy to take her IF she wants to go. She's not spiritual or terribly religious, and not at all involved socially with the temple community, but still, if she wants what she wants (to go to services), and it looks like she might not get it, then I don't want a lot of fallout. And I do want to demonstrate that I'm taking "fair and reasonable action", as they say in legal circles, haha, to provide whatever possible. Anyway, I'll ask the person at temple to please keep in contact with me, since I won't be in contact with my mother. I'll need to know what the arrangements are, since if she's going, I'll need to cancel the home care person.
Have a great week everyone! It's almost officially Autumn here, and I'm SO SO happy for the change of season!
I just had a call from mums diabetic nurse she called to house and she couldnt get an answer i told her to call my brother from now on so it seems hes not taking care of her like he should i would say he dosnt even know she has a nurse coming in every wk as mum wont tell him i just spent the morning ringing her nurses and social services to let them know the situation so im done now can sit back and take my life back until the next emergency happens.
yes LOOLOO no contact is a good idea sometimes and gives you some time to think and clear your head.
Gift horses, yes, I so do that every week. I wish they could see how beautiful the day is, or how lucky they are to just have another day and how lucky they are to have a child that will take care of their needs. My mom just expects it. she thinks this is my duty. All I really owe her is respect. My children do not owe me anything for giving them life. That was my choice not theirs. It was me that decided I wanted the gift of them, not that they would have me as a gift. My mother used to say, well, I AM your mother. Okay, mother, and what is your point exactly. I look at parenthood as a time for guidance, love, caring, compassion and so much more than just "I am your mother". A mother has a job too and it's not to boss around your children and expect things from them that only involve you as a mother.
Okay, my soapbox is full...I could go on and on about her narcissistic ways but I will stop there. Even thought they don't enjoy the beauty in the sunshine or the peace of the day, let's make sure we take time to do so.
The thing is, that would be such a small thing - actually something I started doing on the day my dad died, 15 years ago - but, of course, in her case it's made large by the wearying effort of listening to her. And futile by the fact that it probably wouldn't improve her level of general satisfaction. Which in itself is really sad.
I thought of you yesterday morning. It was THE most glorious day. Softest haze, golden sunshine, blue sky, still. Lovely. So I trotted into mother's bed room with a bit more joie de vivre than normal, swept back the curtains and with a kind of fanfare said the good morning equivalent of "Voilà!" Morning, mother, I said, look - a beautiful day! She stretches, yawns, creaks into action, peers at the window and says suspiciously "well it ***looks*** nice…"
A hidden agenda to a sunny morning. Lordy, mother. Any more gift horses I should be looking in the mouth?
Kaz: Glad you feel safe and I hate winter...I dread for winter to start here. It will all work out in your favor--how ever that may be.
Good night all.
I am ok at a friends but no money until tuesday and she cant find the battery for her computer so today im just at another friends using his so if im not on here youll know im just waiting to get battery.
Brother tore the battery from my computer and is refusing to pay for it? sister sent a nasty email saying she wants ME away from mum as im UNSTABLE????? she said we have no written proof that mum has dementia and im making mum out to be crazier than she is? again mums winning shes now back to siblings saying im crazy? this cant go on im done now and my caring for mum is over let them take over selfish lot.
My supportive brother is just horrified at whats happening said get out and save yourself let them see for themselves!
Im going to TRY and get back to me?? dont know who i am anymore look like a bag lady havnt stopped crying cant sleep with so much ANGER? but ill get better its all about me now and letting them take over as im obviously not doing a great job looking after mum??
MUM hates SIL but will put up with her for sons sake how can mum hide her hatred for this woman if she moves in??
Well i just switch off and stay away! its good im just down the road as im seeing just how much mum is on her own. Nurse says IF your phone rings and your needed for something ignore it!
I wish i was farther away but im so lucky to have a friend put me up!
Hugs to all and watch this space have taken photos of bruises to show siblings and to keep it on record!
23 degrees here and i have to wear a jacket as cant wear a tshirt as bruises so bad?
Just say a quick prayer for me to get through this visit with some sanity and then I am off to the movies with friends to relax later.
I had a great time at the memorial/fundraiser for our friends and then on to the wedding. It was a perfect day weather wise for all of it. I am breathing deep and preparing for tomorrow. Multi: Let me tell you something funny, well it's not really funny because I hope my mom never finds out, but my dad just bought a house right next door to me. Oh my gosh, how horrible this will be for my mom to know. She will be so mad, then she will be mad at me because I didn't tell her about the house and move her in there. It will be hard enough with my dad next door (even though I love him to pieces and he is so helpful to us) I could not stand it if my mom were over there. My parents have been divorced too about 25 years and she blames him for everything. Of course she does, right? She is always the victim in every scenario.
I have special plans tomorrow evening with friends after my visit with her, so I will have something to take my mind off of the day.
Thanks all for the wisdom and encouragement.
Don't you dare apologise to your mother for going to a memorial service ever again, you hear me?
Phewf. More calmly now.
Response of objective person on reading the "you always have something to do while I etc etc boohoohoo…" remark: "yes, mother. C'est la vie! Life goes on, eh."
Because, while one might be (and indeed is) sorry that your mother is not currently enjoying a happier and more fulfilling life, one is in no way responsible for it. And the KEY thing is - neither are you! You did not make your mother get elderly. You did not make her unhappy. And it is not your fault that you have not (yet) discovered the philosopher's cupcake that will transform her life into one of wine, roses and song.
So, I am sorry to have spat feathers at you. I know that the last thing you need is to feel that somebody else, heaven help us, might be criticising you. It's more in the way of just wishing to snap you out of that response to your mother's blame. I know I'm lucky in that my natural response to emotional blackmail is to make a face and say "oh [rude word] off" - I just can't stand the irrationality of it. And as for that "you don't even care" chaser - oh for heaven's sake. That's the point at which I would get extremely sarcastic, I'm afraid.
Your friend's suggestion was very kindly meant. It's a pity your mother couldn't benefit from her generous extended invitation, but I'm sure you're right in your thinking.
Don't dread Sunday. Bounce in like nothing was said, hold on to your humour for as long as you can, and then bounce out again before you're totally deflated. Big hug to you, you're lovely.
She keeps blaming the past for her present. Plus, her paranoia that we might be visiting with my dad just eats her up. So sad.
We can't change how they are, we can only change how we react to them. I am like an only child because my brother is in another state, so it's just me. You are not responsible for her happiness. That's what I have to tell myself. I wish my parents' marriage would have been successful, but that's between them, and it was my mom's decision 25 years ago not to really get on with her life after they divorced. She claims she did, but all she has done is stayed in the house that she and my dad had, and taken care of the property.
At one time she claimed that she did it for her children, to keep up the "homeplace". Well, neither my brother or I want to move back to our home town. Our lives are somewhere else now. You mother is being a martyr. No one else should come before her, in her mind. Just tell her you love her and be strong in your convictions. Your mom, like mine, is very good at manipulating. I still hate to say that about my mom, but once I figured it out, it makes sense. Funny thing is, she can give me good advice, but won't follow it herself! So, she lays on the guilt.
Jeweltone, this too shall pass. You are helping your mother and trying to do it reasonably. Not a darn thing wrong with it. Enjoy your Saturday, Shields UP Sunday, and do something nice when you get home on Sunday.
Armour on! Guilt Shield up! Just need something to increase energy from being so exhausted from the guilt trip!
Good evening and hope you all have a great weekend.
mum called me a b*tch and said I deserved what my brother did to me? there and then I knew leave and don't come back.
yes they will see now but Ive had to move out with no money to get them to wake up to this its so unfair.
But youre right this has all happened for a reason and things have to get sorted either way?
mum was LOVING the drama scary but true as long as im the baddie and shes not crazy then shes happy!!
Hugs I will get through this from all the support on here do I want to see mum ever again I don't know im too angry to think but if I do see her it will be a visit nothing else!
I'd not have contact with your mother, your other brother and his wife for the time being. Maybe inform your. Mother's docs that there's tremendous family dysfunction and upheaval at the moment, but to please keep you informed.
And see what the next few days, and weeks, bring. Again, I'm so sorry. Hugs.
I am just in shock that family could do this to me but i know see my brother has had an agenda he says when i leave he will move in with his wife? mum hates his wife and i had to have her kicked out years ago as she was stealing from mum?
I think mum would rather her son and this wife than go into a home? so what can i do to protect her now?
I will contact her docs tomorrow but i think i am better to walk away now as the stress is too much and siblings turning against me? brother in UK is in a state and says well if he cant see how mum is not right in the head then leave easy to say when ive nowhere to go to?
I will never forgive my mum for this and if she wants me out after caring for her for five years here then i will never see her again.
i feel used and betrayed this is how family treat you instead of working together to support mum.
She really is losing it now and seems to be loving all the attention that brother is giving her?
I will have no choice but to leave i am in such a bad way and my only hope now is her docs?
ANY advice now would be grateful!
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Next week, I will be driving down for the first time since late July, and I'll be timing things so that I'll be there while she's at a dentist appointment. I'm not telling her or her neighbor that I'm coming, and hope her neighbor doesn't see me. If she does, no big deal, I just prefer not to interact (and I don't entirely trust her NOT to tell my mother I was there--she is a bit scatterbrained herself at times). I'll be there to get the remainder of her checks, and to get the keys to the safe deposit box. Last week her neighbor informed me that my mother had managed to mail a check to her insurance company, even though we told her over and over again that everything is auto-paid and up to date. I've checked online, and nothing's showing up yet, so maybe this isn't true. But I think it's time to "grab the bull by the horns" and do this. She rarely writes checks, so I'm hoping she won't notice EVER, but will deal with it if she does. As for the safe deposit keys, this is something that has been irritating me personally -- that, when the time comes, I'll be expected to go on a quest for the keys before I'm able to handle any business. So hopefully I'll find them pretty quickly, stop by the bank, make copies of all important documents, and bring everything home with me. And if all goes well, I'll be scooting in and out without her ever knowing :)
Even tasks like this do still wake me up in the middle of the night. It did last night. Just anxiety that everything will go ok, plotting all my maneuvers, etc. I decided that I'd call the dentist's office to make sure she's there before I go up to the house, and was able to go to sleep after figuring that out. There is still so much dread and anxiety at the thought of dealing with her, but it's gotten so much better.
Have a wonderful, peaceful day everyone!
I have really vented this morning, not my intentions, but I sure do feel better. :-)
Multi, you are correct, you can never say you will never put her there. I always tell my mom, I am doing my best not to put her in the NH, I tell her that is the last option and I will hold out as long as I can. We never know what life will bring us, so don't make promises we can't keep. I have learned so much over the past few years and still have a lot to learn.
Hadn't talked to my mother in a while. and the social worker said she waned me to call her, so I did. We reviewed her clothing and what she needed and what I was doing about it. Gary, bless him, said we could go to the storage unit and get out her winter coat and I will see if can find a sweater without having to unpack everything. She started getting on her high horse abut how badly this was being managed, and that she wanted ALL her sweaters. So I asked her if she wanted someone other than me to do this. She calmed right down.
What she doesn't seem to appreciate is that it costs me up to $1000 every time I go down there and stay in a hotel. Then to get stuff out of storage I have to get over to the storage unit with Gary when he is free, because I cannot manage the stuff myself, get her stuff out and get it over to her at the hospital. And that is only the $ cost. There are also personal costs - stress, time, energy etc. At my age mother was travelling, doing exactly what she wanted and was caring for no one but herself. I tried to tell her that I had been sick for about 3 months so had been slower than I would have been in getting some things done, and she wouldn't hear it. She talked right over me. Another time if I really feel I need her to hear it, I will tell her to be quiet and listen to me because what I have to say is important!
Finally she got more reasonable. I said I was doing the best I could and she agreed with that and that was a good place to end the phone call.
Next time she says she might be dead before she gets her coat or her sweaters, I have 2 come backs - 1) well you won't need them then will you. or 2) I could die before you before you get them too.
I hate the bullying - never did take well to that. She tells people I am being difficult when I don't do exactly what she wants when she wants it. She and my sis have had these discussions for years, Kaz, you are not alone on that one. In fact, sis has gone behind my back and told stories to mother to cause trouble all my life as well as having these lengthy put down sessions with mother about me or other people .
I will, as best as can, without hurting myself, see that mother has what she needs and some of what she wants. But I will not put up with cr*p from her or my sis. When I asked her if she wanted someone else to do it, I meant it. I will take the breaks from seeing her, or talking to her, or doing things for her that I need. Has to be that way. If she doesn't like it, too bad, nothing new - what ever you do there is something she doesn't like.
Be prepared to hear how unimportant she knows she is, blah blah blah. Tune it out and get on down the road.
My mom did this too. Do NOT take the bait to explain yourself or justify why you have to stay on schedule. Sorry mom, I gotta fly now.