Is it normal she's so negative?

Sandwich, good advice!! Kazzaa, I wish I could write, maybe one day I will write and make money off my crazy mother...ha! That would be the biggest blessing and my pay in double as we are promised! I am so happy that you got a voucher to get a facial...you MUST do that more often. Get a massage and a facial to wipe away the stress, I love it! I think I will join you. People used to tell me I looked younger than my age, but recently no one has said anything. I have a complex...not really, but it does age us--the stress that is. The big black hole that sandwich reminded us that we live in. It has sucked me in tight and you are sucked in too. It is so easy for us to tell each other what is wrong and what to do about it, why can't we practice what we preach?!? No kidding, we all need to read what we write. Get a facial, get a massage, go on vacation, go to the beach, WOW! Look at that. Do you know how much better we would feel if we took our own advice...I am truly laughing at myself while I am shaking my head "what is wrong with me?" I can't even do what I am telling you to do! :-)

My mom has had a lump come up at the base of her neck and she showed it to me on Friday. I called the doctor today to see if they can stop by and look at it. They will put her on their schedule so I called mom to tell her. She said, "which doctor?'" When I told her, she said, "I don't like that doctor". bahahaha! Imagine that? She don't like that doctor. I told her they would let us know when they can come. She tried to get out of it and I ignored it. I love how our conversations on the phone are getting shorter and shorter because she never "likes" what I have to say. Ha Ha! Now she just says ok and hangs up. Makes my night better. The one thing I am still having trouble with is a movie I really want to see is coming out this weekend. I have a couple of friends that we all have birthdays close and we all go to the movies for our birthdays. One can go Friday, one can go Saturday and only can all three of us go on Sunday. Guess what Sunday is? Yep, you guessed it--mother day!! My problem is, I can't do her hair on Saturday we have another wedding to attend, I work Friday, so Sunday it is. I am so bummed. Even though I AM still going to the movies with them, I have to worry about getting out of there to meet them at the movies. I want to be able to do what I want without her wrath. One way I can look at it though would be-- After a day of you know what, I can relax at the end of the day with friends at the movies.--Okay, you talked me in to it! :-)

Repeat after me-- Dear Stress, Let's break up!

Multipass: Welcome! Vent away. My mom always does the same thing about my husband, she always says she can't count on him or he must be too busy. Well, he is, he works two jobs and owns his own business. just like your mom, my mom always has an excuse when I give a suggestion about something. Hang in there. Someone told me once to NEVER pray for patience therefore you will be provided with patience to continue to deal with it. I STOPPED praying for patience when it comes to my mom--just a hint. It really made since after they told me. I too pray for the strength and courage to get me through it. Yes, your health too will be compromised so start now saying no, can't today, sorry about that..you did a great job telling her to get the neighbor to fix it. It took me 3 years to say something like that..well, actually 46.

sandwich42 so funny i must get this book "youre not crazy its your mother" better find a good hiding place though! do you know the author? i have a friend in the library who can get me any book i want to borrow!

I think seriously that Sandwich AND jeweltone should each write a book about thier experiences funny but crazy! why read books when you can write your own and make a few dollars i know we all here would buy it!!

I will write a book one day about my dysfunctional family! i always said id wait though until mum and dad had passed! its all up here just have to get it to pen and paper! may sell in the fiction section though as i dont think anyone would believe the crap in our families!

jewltone. my sister lives in paris so she was just here for a wkend so no chance of getting her to take over! also a stupid brother down the road who only called on mum at wkend as sis was home so she cant say he didnt call! yeh its all BS really each trying to con the other!
am so done with siblings sis couldnt talk last night as she was "tired" oh fck off!

jeweltone is it possible for you to just go and see mum and just laugh?? i mean it stop letting her make you feel guilty youve gone above and beyond caring for her and lets face it she wasnt "mother of the year". Now that you know shes putting on an act for you to make you feel like crap try and look at her as a big joke! agree with her then leave and laugh your head off!
I am now just experiencing mums bad behaviour and lies but mum was never like this before well not a liar but always a manipulator! I couldnt give a hoot about mums lies its docs and nurses and siblings who make my blood boil believing the nonsense! Mums crap i can handle i find it scary but kinda funny that she thinks shes being clever what a way to live eh? trying to pretend youre normal around siblings gotta be hard work!!! I try to pretend im normal around people when im cracking up inside so yeh i can see how hard these elders have to work it!!

jeweltone treat yourself to a massage my sister got me a voucher for a beauty salon im getting a "luxury microdermabrasion facial" hoping it will melt away the last five years of stress on my face!

OHHHHHH so sick to death of people telling me how well my sister looks give me a bucket!!!! cleaning lady says gosh she dosnt look 46 and what a great figure she has etc........... then the carer?? i lost it and said "why the fck wouldnt she look good?" pots of money cushy job and ten wks paid holidays no kids no stress and can come and see mum once or twice a year while the other 8wks are spent abroad in exotic places! OMG please do not tell me again how well my sister looks for her age ITS CRUEL! also makes me feel like im a bag lady but i am! i used to glam up just going into town make-up the lot! NOW joggings and a quick hairbrush and im good to go?????? i know got to get out of this RUT! but any carers i know look like crap and older than thier years? I have to try and make an effort but i dont want my fab clothes to smell of PEE and POOP!!

Multipass - we are all in that boat with you. Have an oar. We'll row together.

I can safely say that I spent the better part of the past 20 years unnecessarily worrying about my mother. She would have me so stressed out I couldn't enjoy anything. I felt sick with it. I was sleepless for years. It was 100% b.s. cow manure. I should have been using that time out dancing with sailors.

Go get/borrow Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and You're Not Crazy, It's Your Mother.

When dealing with a narcissist, one must develop very thick boundaries and learn to ignore the temper tantrums. This takes practice & work, but it does get easier.

An awful lot of us here have Narcissistic & Borderline Personality Disorder parents, particularly mothers. We have all been there, are there now, and support each other as much as possible. Those Cluster B Personality Disorders will suck the life out of everybody in 100 miles. I have to think this is what JK Rowling based her Dementors on - a narcissistic mother!

**HUGS**

Additionally, am thinking of opening an online coffee shop called the Grumbling Grounds. When you "walk in the door" it's fair game to grumble, but you have to mention something positive before you "leave"! Today I'm excited that my husband has a job interview.

Hi all, I don't post much because I am still in the beginning stages...my mom has been a martyr for years, but it would feel so good to vent right now, so here goes: so, I make my morning call to my mom today. I've got my coffee, it's a beautiful morning, but she has things she obsesses about each day and tells me every time:

1. Can't sleep because she worries about everything. Poo-poos any suggestions of getting help or talking to someone. I've suggested sleep aids, even natural ones like chamomile tea but she explained to me that since she lives alone she can't be "too asleep"... in case someone breaks in. But then I wouldn't understand that because I'm married, she reminds me. (Um, I lived many years alone in an apartment so I know what it's like.) She won't go talk to anyone, either, because she thinks that would be useless.

2. The post on her newspaper box is loose. My husband looked at it on Labor Day, and said he would have to bring back tools with him to fix, and that we would need a fence tool. She complained again today that she's been waiting for my husband on this topic for three months, and that her neighbor down the street "just put his in, just like that!". Said she guesses she just can't count on him for that. So, I said, "perhaps he would know best then, Mom, on how to install the newspaper box." (Knowing full well that my husband, an engineer and chief tinkerer absolutely knows how to do it.) But she needs it done NOW, don'tcha know.

3. The paint is peeling on her front window and she doesn't know how she's going to get it done. She said she doesn't know anyone to help her, how can she get help. (Hint, hint.)

Mind you, she is saying this to get a reaction from me. Not just any reaction, but one like, "Mom, we'll be down as soon as possible to take care of all this!" We live over two hours away, and it's just not easy to take off and run down there whenever. Especially since my husband's contract job recently ended so we are pinching pennies on gas. We do visit her but not every weekend.

4. My brother hasn't contacted her for awhile, probably because they just moved from a condo to a home and he has his hands full with two little ones and maintenance on the new property. She has to remind me that he never sends her photos of the girls. That's because she hasn't made an effort to be in their lives, so he has backed off. Can't blame him. But it's not her fault, she claims it's my dad's fault because he left her 25 years ago!

5. Fear of nursing home. Every time a friend mentions that they visited someone at a nursing home she is quick to tell me how awful nursing homes are and that she would rather be shot than go to one.

I try to be patient and kind, but I refuse to be manipulated. I cannot believe that someone can be like that and turn around and say, "well, I'm not that kind of a person, I care about everyone and look where it's got me." She didn't do ANYTHING wrong, you know. I love her but I know she is human and she has made mistakes, too. Too bad she has an unrealistic mindset. And to those who think we are bad kids, my mom took care of me when I was growing up, but after being berated for 25 years over her divorce, I should get a medal for even continuing to talk to her and check on her. No one else would endure it. But I don't have to be sucked in to her misery. I refuse to. We will help, but within reason.

So, 3 cups of coffee and 6 cookies later, I remind myself that I will turn 50 in 6 months, and I am looking forward to it. I know, just a pup. Life has so much to offer and I have always had a good attitude. But sometimes, when I say my prayers at night, I ask God to give me more patience and strength, because I wonder if this is going to affect my health in the long run...and we aren't even into a true caregiver scenario yet! As another member commented the other day..."shields up!". So true. Quite honestly, I'm getting close to telling her that I won't be able to call her every day. That'll go over well...not.

Everyone have a great day and thank you for reading my ramblings.

Good, let her walk with your sister. That is one more thing you do NOT have to do. Jump up and down! Celebrate! Celebrate that the higher being is hearing your calls for help. I do realize that you have done this for so long that you still feel that no one can do it like you! You are the one she depended on and so therefore you are still needing to be needed. I totally get it. At this very moment, take a really deep breath in through your nose and let it out slow through your mouth. Now, say, "Thank you, Lord for hearing my calls for help". Let your sister and your brother take over for a bit, maybe even a long bit. What ever they will do, let them do it. If you keep trying to fill the shoes, they will walk away and let you have it back.

49 is so young, anything under dead is young I say. I am 46 soon to be 47 and I too feel I have lost a few years. The wind blew us here and let's sail the rough sea. This too shall pass and we will be smooth sailing when the wind blows us there. Let's trust it will not be long. I also dread calling my mom, but I am waiting until the middle of the week. Some days it just seems to hard to bare and some days feel like a breeze.--I get more hard than breezy but I cherish the days I can smile and enjoy the day.

I think I am going to exercise and relieve more stress from this morning. My shoulders are tight and burning and my mind is still cluttered. "Clutter in the Mind is nothing more than postponing decisions" --sounds like us! Ha! Have a great evening!

jeweltone sooooooo funny!! do you see how she gets caught out? even your mum cant escape FB! oh love it! Yeh they think they are so clever and they can make us feel so guilty!

I gave up feeling guilty a long time ago its wasted energy! i cannot let myself feel guilty for her having a mental illness its not my fault. The question i have to ask myself is can i continue to look after her knowing this illness will get worse? and no i cant im drained emotionally and mentally i look like a bag lady and need to stop and take care of me now. Five years is a long time to put your life on hold i just dont know where my life is heading and ive just turned 49yrs on sat makes you even more depressed another year another birthday and here we go again?

Mum went for a walk to the end of the road tonight?? she promised my sister? I just GIVE UP!

Guilt hangover...love it. I believe you are so on target, looloo. Sandwich, I am unpacking the guilt. You are correct, my mom is a voice in my head and I need to shut it up and keep it out of my head. Today, I went to the bank (for I missed placed my debit card) :( and one of the girls asked about my mom. I was telling her bits and pieces and she said let me show you something. She showed me a picture from FB that someone posted about church at the AL and look who was attending---MY MOTHER!!! To beat it all, she had a big smile on her face. I laughed and my friend said, now you see it for yourself. I will never tell my mom what I saw, but just knowing is enough. She will lie about going. Kazzaa, I know what you mean about the lies. My mom does the same thing. I feel since you have been taking care of her the most, she is taking it out on you. She has only had your siblings around for a short time and of course, they are doing everything right. It's ok and don't fret that part.(I know easier said than done)..They get the glory and you get the crap. I don't have siblings, but my mom did the same thing about my aunt taking care of my grandmother. She would always make comments about what good care she was getting from my aunt. That was just a put down for me. Like my daughter stated, if they make it look good, we won't fix it. Let them do it for a while. Take a rest and let them carry the burden. I wish I had someone to give it to because I would. You do not need to be the one ALL the time. Let it go and know they will do a good job. If they don't, oh well. Take some time out for yourself. Not sure what you like to do, but find something to free your mind. Go on a mini vacation to the beach or a favorite town. It seems the farther I can get away, the better I feel. Even being 3 hours away this weekend, was so freeing for me.

Thanks again for the encouragement and the laughter. I love reading your comments. It does help. I love a good laugh.

Thanks jesse! well physio nurse was just here told mum she HAS to move around and get walking or else?? she brought mum off for a small walk with her walker which shes had for 2mths now and refuses to be seen with it!! Anywhoo mum said she promised her OTHER daughter shed go for a walk everyday??? thankgod the nurse said "your daughter is not here to keep an eye on you so you do this for yourself and not your daughter who dosnt even live here" mum then said my sister was great with her as she "dosnt nag me" she said I always nag her?? nurse said well its not nagging when she is trying to get you to walk shes only trying to help you! nurse had a word with me and said " i think we are waisting our time with her its just not going in". So good someone is seeing whats happening here! AGAIN mum blaming me for even her NOT WALKING! oh god help me!

The thoughts of mum losing it with siblings is just not going to happen as shes too good an actress she has this showtiming down to a tea! and im passed caring anymore.

I will ring my sister tonight and im sure she will say she was fine all wkend?? I just wish mum would completely lose it with her just for once so she can see what its like? But no sis has done her bit now and wont be seen again until xmas?

My brother is in so much denial about her dementia that i think he told mum that i was saying she has dementia? if he did this then i have to get a shrink to talk to him what an idiot i mean what does he want? he has to see she is not registering info? My brother bought mum 2 very expensive books re diabetes and low carb diets?? he cannot see that its like giving these books to an ape? mum cannot reason and dosnt understand carbs and shit! mum got angry today as ive cut her bread down to breakfast only SO you see how giving her these books is useless does he think shes now going to get fit and healthy and cut out carbs and sugar at 77rys old with dementia? i just give up and think he needs a shrink to talk to him!

Jesse we have the same mums illness and personality BUT im done now cant do this anymore want to be her daughter again and not her punching bag so i am seeing the director of the home soon. Mum will die soon if shes not taken into care she is still even after collapsing and ending up in hospital refusing to let me monitor her meds so great this nurse who is calling will see that the only solution is a NH. I cant believe her stubborness and again we are back to arguing am just so sick of it. Says shes taking her meds properly and how would i know as im NEVER HERE?

If she praises my bro and sis one more time today im going to scream! as my sis did such a great job with her i will tell her to give up her cushy life and come home and look after her!

For now im saine i think? if i have to put up with this bad behaviour for much longer i will lose my mind!

Have to go since ive been typing mum is nagging at me to vacuum the house YEH good old sis cooked but never cleaned up so i came home to a mess so unfair! I am just an unpaid slave here and mums manipulation is getting worse in her mind i will NEVER leave her!

kazzaa, some of us were "blessed" with difficult parents. The only response to this is have honest conversations with people around and let them know the things being said are fabrications. Maybe then you can tell them that because your mother seems to have such animosity towards you that it may be best if someone else assumes care for your mother. To your mother, the things she is saying have most likely become true in her mind. It is one of the things I hate most about dementia overlaid on a difficult personality. Someone is to blame, and woe to the hapless person who is the object of the blame.

I know you're in a vulnerable position. The only thing I can figure is to try to extricate yourself from it, first emotionally, then physically. What works for me most of the time is to approach it like I am a professional. That is good and bad. It is good because I can keep taking care of my mother. It is bad because it puts a blanket on any feelings and have and smothers them. I don't like that, but it is better than being hurt or angry all the time.

I get so envious when I read the things from people who have loving mothers. I wish it was like that here. I know you wish the same thing. We just do the best we can do with circumstances that most people can't understand. This weekend I did something I haven't done before. Mom was in her hyper-sick mode, all wrapped up and looking like she would pass at any moment. It is very worrisome. The thing is that she has been "dying" every day since I've been here, so I never know what to do. When my brothers come, she gets dressed and acts semi-normal -- major showtiming. Brothers never get a look at what I see every day. So I took a picture. I really don't plan to show it to them, but it made me feel better just knowing that I had something validating what I see.

What is remarkable is how we stay sane. Personally I've been crazy all my life. I'll probably be totally loony toons on the other side.

Hi guys! UPDATE..... mum was discharged from hospital last thursday i couldnt go and get her like i wanted to as i had an apt in the city SO my useless brother went to pick her up so still today i know nothing as ive been away all wkend hiding out as my sister was here looking after mum!

when i went to see mum last wednesday she told me that the she told the doc that i was always telling her she had "dementia". I just dont know where this came from as never have i mentioned this to her???????? something is up and im getting to the bottom of it. Either someone in the hospital said this to her OR my stupid brother said something to her??? also she told docs that im always shouting at her ? im never home? and that i am always buying cakes and things?? she is telling them she collapsed from stress????? i am so done with this crap and am now going to get hold of her shrink which isnt easy to do as shes only one day a month in this town?

Mum was never a liar but its getting out of hand now as im been blamed for everything a nurse just rang and wanted to speak to mum i asked what is was about and she said ive been asked NOT to speak to you??

God only knows whats going on OR what mums been saying but i am so done now illness or not these lies are getting out of hand and someone had better start to wake up and start listening to me.

as far as i know a nurse is supposed to be coming in to check mums bloods 3 x times a week?? then what? do they really think that mum is going to change her ways?

I told my sister that she goes into a home where shes safe and meds monitored OR im leaving sister AGREED this cant go on! Bingo! sister finally waking up! sister was here all wkend and DIDNT go out with friends how could she mum was still weak and needed looking after so i bet sis was pissed off. So yes maybe now shes starting to see that if and when she comes home SHE will have no time to enjoy herself!!
I am sitting here waiting for a nurse to come? i cant get much sense out of mum she said she was coming today?

Its a disgrace that noone has contacted me to let me know whats going on? so now i must get to the bottom of this by contacting everyone to do with her! Her doc is away on hols so i have to wait to see him? Really i think NOW its time the professionals take over this as im drained and am finding it hard to function with anything.

I had ten days respite from mum but felt very sick last night at the thoughts of returning here of course she started going on about my cat and how good my brother and sister were to her at wkend???

Oh just put me to sleep until its all over! I feel nothing but anger right now and know this cant go on as it is mums lies are becoming scary she thinks she can fool everyone please god this will be resolved soon?

Mum dosnt look well at all and i know now that the dementia will start to progress faster now as she wasnt taking her diabetic meds. I know next time this will be fatal if she dosnt get the help she needs. What can i do? except scream at docs and tell them to wake up? I really thought we would have been called in and told the only solution now is a home?? guess not as long as they think shes competent and im living with her shes not seen as a risk??

Hugs to all will get to read whats been happening with you guys but right now i want to scream im so mad AGAIN im been blamed for mums health issues this time shes gone too far!

I am just going to keep out of her way as much as i can. Today she speaks to me like the hired help. You need to do this and that. It takes alot to stop you "running" out the door. NEVER would she speak to my sister like this OR my brother? but hey ho kept praising how good they were to her at wkend and yes probably LOVING the attention such a shame its takes her to collapse before brother spends time with her????

Jewel - What can I say but just STOP IT? Guilt is pointless. You are doing everything right.

You have to stop working for this mythical mind mother who never stops giving you orders, never stop criticizing, and never shuts up. This kind of thing will make you crazy. For real.

Ground yourself in the reality of this moment, right now. Listen to the quiet and stop letting this imaginary voice in your head narrate on top of the quiet.

You're going to have to develop your own imagery and do exercises quite often to shut it down and keep it shut. Maybe picture yourself slamming an iron door on it. This door is so big and thick that no noise gets through. There are no cracks in it. It's completely solid and is connected to a wall that goes all the way around you forever. Or something!

Replace that noise from that sad, pathetic mind-mother, with positive loving statements. It's going to be OK. It's under control. I'm doing a great job (because you are). I am strong enough to get on top of these thoughts. When things change, I will be able to handle it just fine. I'm doing an amazing job with this. I should be lucky to have somebody like me handling my affairs one day. You really do have to say this stuff out loud to yourself.

I think your guilt is probably other things in reality as well, such as anxiety the money won't hold out. Fear the situation could change unexpectedly. Anxiety that something will happen you have no plan for, no information about, and no resources to point the way. Etc.

If you can unpack your guilt and take it apart into these other separate feelings, you can deal with every single one of them and I promise it will help.

Jewel, so glad you had a great time this weekend! And now you have a guilt hangover :(. I think that's probably part of the process of learning new mind sets and attitudes. It's another bad habit we have, to automatically feel guilty for living our own lives. We have to concentrate on replacing those guilty feelings with more positive ones. Have a wonderful week!

The weekend went way too fast. I had a great time with my daughter and it was good to see her college friends. I am not sure why, but I woke this morning with that pit of dread in my stomach again. I am having a hard time getting my chores finished at home--my only day off. I have so much I want to accomplish, but "she" keeps pulling at my heart strings and my stomach feels like an anchor knot. I haven't even talked to her. I have sat down and rethought her money situation and making sure how much time she has to stay in AL. It still adds up to 15 to 17 years. What am I worried about? Not sure I am really asking for an answer, but just saying it out loud. I cannot keep doing this today. I feel like I am being sucked deeper and deeper by guilt. The guilt that I am in charge of her money and guilt for not doing what she wants me to do (as I always have).

My daughter made an excellent point while we had 3 hours in the car together. I was telling her about the guilt she puts on me and how she lies about what is going on at AL.--I do believe some of it, but most of it is lies. My daughter stated to me, "Mom, she wants you to fix it, therefore if she makes it out to be good, you WON"T fix it"...genius I must say. I really hope today gets more productive for me and I can stop thinking about her and her affairs and her misery. It makes me miserable and I am NOT a miserable person.

I hope everyone else is doing great!

I came from mom's on a Friday since I won't be here for the weekend and I came with debbie downer attitude until I read your precious comments. Now, I have a big smile on my face. That woman can sure zap everything out of me, but you can sure put it all back, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

All I heard from her while I was there was, sniffle, sniffle, sniffle, I hate it here, I wish you would take me with you, so and so dont like me, I am an outcast here, the workers never check on me. She went on about how bad it was gettting her hair done (but what she doesn't know is the girl texted me afterwards and told me how much my mom laughed and talked) Then my mom told me the director never comes to see her anymore, well I couldn't keep my mouth shut on that one, because I saw her in the entry when I came in and she told me that she could hear my mom laughing from the salon and she went up to see her. I watched how I said it, but I told my mom that the lady said she stopped in to see her when she got her hair done. Do you know that she told me that was a lie?!? She told me that the girl never came to the salon. OMG!! I wanted to scream at her. I didn't, I just said, well maybe I misunderstood.

Today though, I will say, my mom asked me if she were losing her mind. I said what do you mean? She said, I can't remember anything anymore. I did tell her that they did say she had some form of dementia but not to worry. She realizes sometimes, but other times she thinks she is always right. The hard thing about it all is she really isn't that bad as far as memory, it is just the ability to reason, comprehend, and care for herself. I noticed it today as I fixed her pill box. She is starting to take from different days and then tells me I didn't fill it up correctly. She tells me it confuses her. She asked me several times about the weekend and how will it work with me not being there. This is when I know she truly is ill. The memory thing confuses me, because it is not so bad. I read over and over about dementia (frontal lobe) just to remind myself that it is what they tell me. Maybe too because she is better since she has been at AL and on a better schedule.

Thanks again for all the encouragement. You are the best!!! Have a great weekend, I plan on it myself. WOOHOO!!!!

Good deal, Jewel! Every time you assert yourself, it will be easier for you the next time. When my mom moved to the NH, she had to switch to the NH hairdresser because her regular hairdresser was no longer able to do her hair. She was pretty unhappy and expected me to change this somehow. Over three months later, she still hadn't made an appointment at the NH - it was like we were playing a game of "chicken" about hair. We were talking about hair at lunch one day and I wheeled her to the hairdresser board where you sign up and we put her name on there. It took one or two times before she found that the lady is really nice and Mom's hair looks pretty. Eat, drink and enjoy your precious trip with your daughter.

Yay JEWEL!!

You did it and it will all be OK. You can be confident and react differently with her! More please!

Must be the moon phase or something. So many people at work have just been behaving like spoiled toddlers this week. I have had to clean up after several people who pooped on the meetings recently. Going around behind them, apologizing. Going to supervisors to make them aware they might be getting complaints. Oof. I even got my face melted off by another project manager yesterday. Hey lady, you asked ME to help out on your project. I don't have to be here. She does that again, and both of us are going to be in our boss's office with the HR lady and some paperwork. We have really strong anti-bullying rules here.

Here comes the weekend! WOohoo! I get a massage tonight. I am gathering up steam to do a mom visit sometime soon. I really like the in-between visit times.

Jeweltone,
Oh the loves we care for. Just to have that bit of time is great, enjoy!!!!. GUILT, I feel I should open a coffee shop called Guilt or no guilt! creamer today, or
visit my mom. One a nice guilty pleasure, the other calories. How about name tags that we all ware that say, if it seems I am having a bad day, DO NOT ASK
ME WHY!. As we live this in our sleep, work, meals, famly events our lives are never clear, that is we are unable most of the time to say, yes, without a question I shall be at your party,dinner etc....

Time is presious, we are as well, yet, we just have to do soooooo! much. When someone will say you look tiered today, I say , well I am, very much so. I did not get my magic potion delivered today, next time I shall apply prior to our meeting.

Have a good time Jewel, and take pictures that will make you smile,laugh and have nothing but great memories from.
Jazmine1

High five, Jewel!!! You did it!!M. Do you feel like Wonder Woman? I hope so! :). If you're like me, though, you're probably just relieved and drained, lol.
Have a Great time this weekend!

First, I did what I didn't think I could do, I called the hairdresser and asked her to do my mom's hair tomorrow. I am going away this weekend with my daughter so I decided to call and set it up without her permission. The dreaded phone call to let her know what was going on..
Me: Just got in from work.
Mom: I will trade you.
Me: I would like to.
Me: I called and got you an appointment for your hair tomorrow and she will come get you when she is ready for you.
Mom: --silence--
Me: Are you there?
Mom: Why?
Me; I am going with --daughter-- this weekend to a wedding.
Mom: Is she IN the wedding?
Me: Nope, It is a friend she went to college with and she wants me to go with her.
Mom: So, you aren't coming on Sunday?
Me: No,
Mom: Well, when are you leaving?
Me: Leaving Saturday morning, mom, it is a 3 hour drive.
Mom: Well, I hate that. --silence--
Me: I will come tomorrow sometime after work and fix your pill box.
Mom: hmm, well, I guess Ok then
Me: Ok, I will call you tomorrow and let you know when I am on my way
Mom: ok, --click-- (yes, she hung up)

Shew, I just took a deep breath and was glad that was over. Now, I have tomorrow to deal with and then I get the weekend off!! I am looking forward to more of these.
Why do they have to be so selfish and want everything to be about them. It didn't matter I was going with my daughter, all that mattered to her was I wasn't coming on Sunday and shame on me for not being there for her to do her hair. It may cost her some money tomorrow and I will hear about it. Main thing is, I did it and didn't ask her. That is just the way it needs to be.

Hope all is well with everyone else. Find something fun to do this weekend and don't feel guilty about it.

Just tell yourself before you go in, "Shields Up!"

Emotional Detachment is a critical coping skill during these very bizarre times. It's not mean. It's about self-protection. It is not the same thing as ambivalence either. I love you mom, but I'm going to do that over here, from my house. Or from inside my bubble.

If we all had a little child acting like this, we would never take it so seriously. We'd probably also use discipline, but you can't do that with the elderly, and not end up in court with charges. But if you respond to the childish parts with the same seriousness you would with a real child, it helps. It makes it much easier to stay out of the emotional black hole of despair. It makes it easier to literally step away, out of earshot, out of sight, and out the door.

This sounds stupid, but it works for me. Sometimes I have to tell myself out loud that it's going to be OK. I do this when nobody is around, of course! It's going to be OK one way or another. Try telling yourself positive things that you'd tell a friend in the same situation. Saying it out loud often makes it stick.
(Otherwise, why did we spend so many years in school standing up to recite catechism Q&As?) On my dementia death bed I will be able to recite catechism if nothing else. Southern Baptists with catechism - go figure that one out!

(S.B.s are notoriously anti-Catholic ritual/routine, but have their own. Whatever.)

JessieBelle--mine loves to talk about the way backs too. I enjoy hearing the stories better than the complaints. She does go back to those days often and then starts on how mean her parents were, then she starts on her complaining. It is almost like the book, "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie". I am looking forward to her forgetting me even though I have been told it probably won't happen. I need a magic spell.

sandwich, your messages had so much insight. Jewel's and my mother sound like the same people. I listened to mine yesterday with new insight after reading what you wrote. You are so right. She has lost her ability to carry on a normal conversation. Her lists of chores to be done, symptoms, and complaints are her way of communicating. It still feels like I'm being poked with a stick, but this new way of thinking could make it easier to tolerate. It also gives me an idea of how to distract her from the negative. My mother enjoys talking about growing up and the early days courting my father. I've heard the stories a million times, but they approach normal conversation. Maybe I can distract her from the negativity by getting her to talk about the old days. (However, that could drive me crazy, too, since I know exactly what she will say... word for word... by now.)

Good morning! I agree I need to do the same, just say, I know, ok mom. I do that from time to time and when she keeps going on, it is so hard not to take it as a personal attack, because that is how she means it. She knows how to hurt me, she knows I am very sensitive. I do think another thing that really bothers her is I have changed from the way she knew me 3 years ago. She knew me as this meek little girl that did EVERYTHING she said. When I started saying no or I will do that later, she has had a hard time accepting it.--just as I have with her illness. She has said so many times that I have changed and I am not the same person. Boy is she so right and I am so glad. I still have a long way to go, but at least I am able to stand up for myself at certain points.
Sandwich--When they had my mom sedated because she was so anxious and wouldn't eat, it was so nice to be able to sit in the other room and get some peace. I wish I could do that again. Ha! I have asked them to increase her anxiety meds but they say she is fine on what she is taking. She really is, I just want her to be out of it when I visit. Shame on me. Seeing her get better is NOT a good thing for me. I said it out loud, but it is just so true. When she was not so good, it was easier on me. I am being selfish to some, but if they lived in my shoes, they'd understand. As she became hydrated--love that, she became the same mean person I knew my whole life. When she was very ill and lying on her death bed, she was much more humble and forgiving. Is your mom doing worse?

The circle of life is a strange thing and it must come to all of us. I just hope my circle is more colorful and pleasant for my family. As I have went through all of this with my mom and my grandmother I will make sure that I have things in order so my family will not feel the guilt of their decision making. I do not have the money like my mom to care for myself, but I will make sure my kids get what we have and not a caregiving facility. They take care of you the same way, poor or rich. It really doesn't matter how they get paid as long as they are paid.

We all see the same stars at night. As I look at the stars tonight I will think of each of you and hope for a better tomorrow.

Linda22 - for the first 6 months of my mom's time in IL, then NH, my husband would take me out for a cleansing margarita on the way home from her visits. I am thick-headed, so it took me that long to figure out that I could teach a pig to tap-dance long before getting my mom to understand anything or be reasonable about anything either. And you know what they say about trying to teach a pig to tap-dance.

It helps me to go in there thinking "none of this is real life and none of this applies to me." She can say & do anything, and it doesn't cut me like it used to. Nothing she says has any bearing on what is real and true. I knew that all along in my logical brain, but it wasn't until I BELIEVED it did I walk out feeling mostly unaffected.

It was rare for me to leave a visit without being in tears, bothered for days & nights, mad, frustrated, angry, resentful, and 100 other disruptive things. It was so traumatic, and of course happens when work projects are acting stupid, my teenagers are acting stupid, and everything is falling on my head. Calgon take me away!

I will warn you that it feels weird NOT being angered, bothered, and all those negative things. I expected those feelings, so their absence is very strange. Peace, contentment, & acceptance DO NOT instantly fill the void. That was new info to me too. Walking out of there feeling nothing - like being numb - is better than being all emotionally cut up and bleeding, but I was expecting to feel some level of comfort. It didn't happen. It feels more like a novocaine shot that hasn't worn off yet.

I am still walking out of visits feeling like "that was surreal, and I really don't know what to think about it". And still wondering "why am I doing this?" "what difference does it make?". I have not yet gotten to the point where I can come away feeling totally OK yet, even though she is highly sedated and very very lamb-like. Hopefully OK is coming up next.....maybe someday content will happen. I have to get used to her new personality and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

sandwich, thanks - I agree about transitions and not letting it ruin a good time. I try to end day visits at a time when there's some activity, even if just dinner. I don't let it get me during family gatherings and just brace for the ride home. It's the times when we're alone that my gut gets a bit twitchy, knowing it's coming. So this Sunday, I'm going to try a new angle which is to refuse to be engaged into the ongoing convo about why things can't go back to the way they used to be. No more explaining her health needs, no more explaining "that was then but this is how we all are now". I'm going to "agree to disagree" and see if I can't stop this ongoing pain.

Kaaza, I just saw all your going through.. hope you are taking care of yourself!

Jewel, my poor mother - the one I'm so horrible about, shame on me - is ninety, and she's still scared of her mother's disapproval. And her mother died in 1992.

Yesterday she looked at the calendar and said "oh, it's the 8th tomorrow!" I agreed that yes, it was. She said "my Mummy's birthday." I put my head on one side and didn't say anything - I wanted her to work this one out for herself. It took a few seconds for her to say "well I can't send her a card, can I?" and half-laugh but honestly? I think for a few moments there she thought she was in Big Trouble for forgetting the birthday.

Now actually my grandmother wasn't a particular stickler for cards and presents, that I remember. But there would have been that tired, impatient tone to her voice when she reminded my mother about something she'd got wrong. Wouldn't scare you or me, but here we are in 2014 and mother's still dreading its coming down the 'phone at her. It's so sad. And you DON'T WANT TO BE THERE after another half lifetime.

Taking to heart and living by the principle that Your Mother's Judgement Is Wrong - even if it's just on the one subject of "You" - can be a life-changer, but that doesn't mean it is easy. Oh, it's easy for everyone else to see. But believing it yourself? I understand it is possible to make that important change (I can't speak from experience, and I count my blessings there) but I know it is extremely hard to do. Worth finding out how to make a start, though, don't you think?