Is it normal she's so negative?

Some things I learned with my mom:

=="I gotta have this, that, & the other thing. You have to bring me x, y, & z" and so on. I finally realized after a lot of trouble & heartache that this was the only way my mother knew how to continue a relationship or conversation. Literally the.only.way. She was not able to have a normal back & forth conversation with anyone about anything. I suddenly remembered back when I lived at home, we never talked about anything. It was only chore lists. Never ending lists of chores or groceries, or rants & raving. Her list of things could be very distracting because she was so adamant and insistent, but if I brought her the moon, it wasn't enough and a new list would be right there. It's not about the list or the things on it. You'll never finish the list so quit trying. It's about being unable to maintain connections. I told her that she doesn't need to have a constant list of demands for me to visit. (Especially when those demands are ridiculous or nonsensical.) I stopped "stepping & fetching". If she quizzed me on why I didn't bring one of the things, I just said the store was out or I couldn't find the one she wanted yet. Then she'd forget about it. There might be 45 minutes of kvetching, but eventually it would be gone.

==Breakdowns at the end of a visit. I think these happen because it's a transition from one thing to another. The brain can't handle it anymore and goes into distress. When we had my Asperger's son in therapy for this same problem, we would use timers & visual cues. The time would go off 15 minutes before the transition, then 10 minutes, then 5. Yes it was exhausting but it paid off. I don't think this would work with a dementia patient, but you could try. I had a special count-down clock that had a red piece that would get smaller & smaller the closer to the timer going off. It was a visual cue that time was passing.

We also had a visual reminder system. It was a strip of construction paper about 12 inches long, laminated. It had 6 velcro spots on it. Every morning I put 6 icons on it that represented the first part of the day. Eat, brush teeth, change clothes, put on shoes, wait, go to school. The "wait" icons were really important. This helped him understand that what we are doing now won't last forever, and there is something else next. At school they used icons for "stand in line", and their own activities there.

Another thing I was told to do with my son that might help more is explaining the transition and reassuring it will be OK during & after. "OK mom, we're leaving Sally's house and going back to your place now. I will drive because I know the way back. I'll get you back inside and everything will be just fine. You don't have to worry about anything. Just sit back and enjoy the scenery."

My mom would worry about the oddest details that you wouldn't think needed worrying over. Like me not knowing how to get there, or me not knowing how to operate the car. She did a lot of projection like that and would get worked up in a state that led to the old "why do you make me stay here, this is a h3ll hole, namecalling, berating, etc."

I started trying to time my visits so that some other thing would start up as I was leaving, like lunch or dinner, to distract her from the transition. It can't always be done though. I didn't always do the explain, reassure, remind thing.

Sometimes you might have to just accept that's going to happen, and just expect it so it doesn't ruin your good time. It's just a thing mom's going to do that we have to get through. She probably doesn't even know why she's upset and all you can do is say "OK mom" over & over. Put the shields like the USS Enterprise, and "make it so" Number One.

Kazzaa, everyone is right. Take some time to yourself, take really deep breaths and know your mom is in good hands. You are so much like me thinking there must be something we can do. Be reassured we have done everything possible. sometimes there isn't anything we can do and we must believe in ourselves.

Each of you are so right and this is why I come here to get the answers I can't even see in front of my face. I DO try to validate her feelings ALL the time. I always think of something I might could try. I so need to STOP that. I will say she is doing much better in AL than she has done in 3 years. It scares me a bit thinking she will return to her "real" nasty self and turn demon on me for spending her money to take care of her. Why do I worry, because she is scary...Haha. I am a 46 year old woman still afraid of my mom. Maybe I need AMA (afraid of mom anonymous) I am with you looloo, my mom called me today too and it is an intrusion. I know she is wanting something or wanting to remind me of something I said to her. I will tell you that when she calls and says what she said today it reminds me that she cannot live alone. Yesterday when I visited, I told her I was going to take one of her aleve. Today she called me looking for her aleve, she wanted to know what I did with it, that they have looked everywhere and cannot find it. Grant it my mom takes this everyday for pain--I had to remind her it was the generic name naproxen.(not sure of spelling) The bottle is the same bottle that has been there for weeks, but today she cannot find it and thinks I did something with it. So there, that should be enough when she tells me she wants to move into a nice little home and how depressed she is there. One other thing she stated yesterday that I have thought about today-she told me she is getting ready to have it out with one of the ladies, that they talk about her. She is always paranoid. I told her that lady wasn't worth the time. I agree the lady is a bit snotty and mean, but so is my mom.--but not much to others as she is to me. That is all I need is for them to call me telling me my mom needs to leave the building. Whew. I am not hanging on to that but it is always something with her. She also asked me what people did before they built "this" place. I said, nursing home. That was the only option. She gave me a look. Ha! we talked about a lady we know and she said I think she lives with one of her kids now. I said no she doesn't mom. She tried to argue that she did. She thinks she wants to live with me, but she would run our lives. The answer is NO! Thank goodness I only have a small house. I used to want a bigger one for my family, but now I am thankful it is still small. I would love more room for my kids and their friends, but I will take what I have to keep her out.--Never thought I would say that.

Linda--I have offered to take my mom out because she tells me she is cooped up and wants to go out. When I offer, she always has an excuse. Yesterday she started it again and I offered we go get ice cream. Her answer was, "they have ice cream here, why would I want to get ready to go get ice cream" ---the point IS to get OUT!! She just doesn't get it. I am afraid if we go out, taking her back would be worse. I so pray I do NOT do this to my children. They do not deserve it. Just like me, you are already worried about what she is going to say. You know, who cares what they say, I agree with CM, where were they when the decisions had to be made!? They were ill and incompetent.

Jewel, my mom does that as well. We'll be having a nice time, say a family dinner with the grandkids there. And then after they leave and I'm doing a few things in the kitchen, she launches into it. Complete with the holding her head in her hands as we drive home, going "oh my God, oh my God". Ruins a nice outing every time. So now I put on my body armor and brace myself for the onslaught. Sad thing is that I'm so on edge, I can't fully enjoy a nice time like Saturday's drive because I'm waiting for it to start. One of the folks at her NH/rehab is leaving this week because he can now walk with a walker again. So she'll be absolutely nasty on Sunday because he can leave and she can't. The sad thing is I'd be much more likely to take her on short outings if I didn't get ripped up so often.

Kazzaa take deep breaths. Nothing will happen for the next few days, let alone the next couple of hours, so take a little time to yourself and do things that will specifically help you relax. Go for a swim or a walk with a friend, eat a good dinner, get an early night. Your mum's in good hands, so take full advantage of it. (I know what you mean about them turning into sweet little old angels in front of the nursing staff - "your mother is soooooo lovely..!" And then you sound like Queen Grouch if you demur! Humph.)

Looloo, thank you for asking - sigh. Mother is a nightmare. No bones broken, more by luck than judgement, but she's very sore and unfortunately, of course, my reserves of sympathy are at an all-time low. I am not actually standing hands on hips saying "Serves you right!" but… it serves her right! For today she is being as good as gold and pressing her alarm before she needs to get up, which is what I have been pleading with her to do for the last 18 months. If she'd done that all along she wouldn't have had three major falls. There you go. That's the dementia - she won't agree that it's necessary for her to be supported, in spite of the copious evidence. But the only reason she's complying now is that she's too sore to get out of her chair by herself, even though it's a riser recliner - pushing on the arms or getting hold of her frame hurt her shoulder. I can't say long may it last, I'm not that harsh; but I do kind of hope it'll go on aching long enough for calling me to become a fixed habit.

She was talking utter baloney about needing to pick up the cat. Liz the lovely carer and I did a re-enactment (I played mother!) today because neither of us could figure out how on earth she'd ended up in the position I found her in. Picking up the cat, my eye. She must have been bending down to an electric socket to turn on her standard lamp, which is so streng verboten she didn't dare admit to it. And she was correct in thinking that if she had admitted that I would have gone completely batsh!t at her, because to get to this socket you have to stretch past a glass-fronted display cabinet and lean right down, and (I nearly pass out at the thought) she's *d*mn* lucky she didn't pull the whole thing down on top of herself.

Well. All is peace for the time being. I truly don't want my poor mother to live in pain and fear, but just for the next day or two I'm not sorry she can't get up on her own.

Hi guys! well day 5 and still cant get hold of a doc up there? shes still in hospital was dehydrated bloods up and down? the nurse is giving her anti-clot injections? maybe routine OR something showed up in scan? dont know anything? nurses will not tell you anything went up this morning to try and CATCH the doc no joy she had done her rounds? anyway i am sure we will get to talk to the doc before shes discharged maybe tomorrow but like i said dont know anything?
She is still refusing to let me give her the meds SO my sister is here this weekend and shes going to talk to her about a home if she dosnt behave? well good luck with that sis!!!!!!!!! Im not having much of a break and going up in the mornings and brother is going in the evenings. Shes in a med assessment unit so no tv and quite boring for her so i know its important to have visitors! Oh shes perky as hell and all over me? loving the attention!! Once her bloods are ok her mood is upbeat but as we all know when she comes home the shit and bad aggressive moods will be the norm!
I am so tired and cant even sleep? An ex boyfriend was in the hospital i had to dive into the toilets so he wouldnt see me! LOL i look like ive been pulled through a hedge was up there in my joggings hair not even washed? I have to start to make an effort to glam up a bit this isnt me? Oh and mum is washing and been very clean up there? make you laugh!! SO sweet to the nurses! I think though after a few days they are starting to see the dementia as shes wandering around so they keep after her!
Oh and my elder sister its come out,that she sent mum a letter pretty nasty saying what a bad mum she was etc.......i will kill her it was sent a few months ago so now i can see why mum was so angry i dont know why she didnt tell me but now i know what a "b*tch". You do this when someone has this illness its a cruel thing to do she will never see mum again and we all agree on that! Mum with all her faults was a good caring mum and as my sister was a very talented artist mum spent more money on her when we were young with expensive paints etc.... what an absolute bitch! I told mum not to think about it as shes not right in the head? so this is her christian WAY? I havnt seen the letter but other sis in paris knew all about it and never told me? guess didnt want to start a huge row? therell be no row but my sister will be so sorry when mum goes. We had this out with my sis after dads funeral and we screamed at her as she was threatening to come to visit mum as she had "unresolved issues" with her? I told her its too late for that now and youre talking crap its all in your head. sister was ALWAYS a drama queen she shouldve been an actress! they say very creative people are this way i dont know but she must be a bit nutty to have the nerve to send an old lady with dementia this letter? im just drained from family..........SIL who we have nothing to do with visited mum in hospital and brought her two boxes of cakes???????? oh so done with them. Told nurse not to let SIL in as i dont trust her?
Ok im going to try and switch off now although i feel like taking a bus to my sisters and punching her in the face but hey she will have to live with this forever. OMG she should be here spending what little time mum has left with her? anyway im not going to do anything im too tired. She will never see mum again thats for sure and mum dosnt want to see her so good. Poor mum she didnt deserve a letter like that what a cruel horrible thing to do.
I just wish mum was this way all the time then i could look after her but shes in a good mood getting lots of attention up there but once she comes home its all going to start over again.

I am putting her name down for a NH next week could take six months but as mum s house is worth alot ill BET they will get her in sooner!! you see its a fair deal system here they take a percentage of the house when its sold so you get my drift its all about money BUT its an excellent NH and just fifteen minutes from this house!
Hope everyone is well havnt time to read posts got a dvd and a nice salad so going to try and CHILL! yep the calm before the storm!
Glad if youre reading this..........hope youre ok and house is being sorted i think of you and say "things could be worse" so i shoudnt complain!!!!!! LOL

Kaz, any update on your mother?
Jewel, sorry the visit ended on a downer note -- your mom just had to get her equilibrium back at your expense, huh...
CM, how is your mother doing? I saw on another thread that she had a fall?
Njny -- have a great first day at school!
Yesterday, I got a little unwanted jolt, when my mother called twice within a few hours. I didn't pick up the phone either time, and she didn't leave any messages. It didn't 'ruin' my day exactly, but it definitely felt like an intrusion. I've accepted that I will do the necessary things to keep her as safe and cared for as possible, but I will not indulge her anymore. So, I'm 'staying the course' on no contact. Any contact from her should include nothing more than a 'thank you' to me for ordering her 3 pairs of new shoes a few weeks ago (which was never acknowledged). She is probably obsessing on something (most likely her insurance, which she's been told umpteenth times by several people that it's ALL taken care of). She calls because she wants me to do her bidding in some way, to pull me into her phony melodrama, or maybe to ask me a question, which if I answer, and she will not remember, understand, or like the answer, so I'll end up going round and round, trying to soothe, appease, and resolve--always unsuccessfully. And of course, there will always be a little barb tossed at me, having to do with how disappointing I am compared to others' children, or how I'm only interested in her money. Why do parents think that their child's sense of obligation and guilt is an infinite resource they will be able to draw upon their entire lives? It's not for me. That well is dry!
I had the usual angry dreams that I get after dealing with her, but it's been 15 hours since I got the first phone call yesterday, and for me, 15 hours is a new record for recovery :).
Hoping you all have a great week. Fight the power! Lol :)

It sounds as if you continue to relate to your mom as you have done in the past. What kind of dementia was she diagnosed with? If it is Alzheimer's, this is a devastating disease and really changes a person. How is her hearing? I know with my mom, first it was her hearing that started to narrow her interests, her world. The Alzheimer's finished and continues to finish the job of her not being capable of handling anything more complicated than getting in and out of a car or eating what has been prepared for her. Getting her own needs met is now her main concern (and the majority of those "needs" are imagined or having to do with her parents who have long since passed away). So, maybe you can try to realize the person you know as "mom" really isn't your mom anymore and instead of reacting to her insults, maybe just forgive her. She may not have the capability of understanding what effect her doom and gloom has and my guess is she doesn't remember any of the "heart to heart" talks you two have had, even though you may believe you made some real progress in one of those sessions. It's all a brand new day for her. Took me awhile to realize this and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it except to adjust my own perception. Mom just doesn't know much of anything now. I hope this may help a little....just an observation and I'm sure there are many factors and considerations...it's just that you are the only one you can really do anything about.

Kazza, good thoughts and hugs"!!!!

Hi Jeweltone. A friend of mine has a mom who treats him very well in front of others when they are out. Then when he returns her to her place in an assisted living facility, and every single time, she weeps and carries on something awful. It is like she forgets she had a good time and is shocked every single time she returns to her place. It is a pretty nice place and when he catches her unaware, she seems to, at least sometimes, be having an okay time with the other residents. I am glad you spoke to your mom about how she treats you. I think she understands and has enough brain power to know what she is saying. I wonder what would happen if you asked her not to say anything hurtful next time. I know she hates it there, but what other options are there where you are not fully responsible? I feel so badly for you. You are trying so hard. We have to have a sense of separate identities from our mothers but with some mothers who raised us to focus on their every need, it is very difficult. I think you are doing well, but I know you are hurting. I am glad you are able to try and focus on your family when you leave--they need you and you need them! I hope things become easier for you soon. In my life, things may be heating up. My mom's leg gives her so much pain with this tendinitis and I don't know what else to do to help her. She calls on and off all day-some of it is very pleasant and appreciative; other times it is not. I sometimes think she should be in an AL but after I read your entries, I think it would all be worse. School starts tomorrow for kids--we were delayed due to construction--and I am always on edge wondering if I will get an emergency call and the. Have to figure outwit to do about work, I find that SO STRESSFUL. So glad I have just one more year and the. At least I don't have to worry about not getting to my job. On and on and on... P.S. I liked your entry about Joel Osteen. I shall look that up. I hope you and all my forum friends have a decent night. Still worried about Kazzaa...

Oh Jewel, I'm so sorry. What a sad ending to the day - somehow it's even worse when it's all going beautifully and then wham!

You know, I think you keep coming up with these "other options" for her for one good reason, which is that it proves you're listening, it proves that you're still thinking about how to help her get what she would like. You know and we know and probably, somewhere in there, your mother knows that it's not realistic; but it's one thing to be realistic and another just to say or think "ah, forget it." You're not dismissing her, and that matters.

She keeps chucking all this at you, you know, because you're there. And that's ALL. I doubt if, rationally speaking, she even truly believes that you are responsible - after all, where was she when the decision-making about her life had to be done? But whether or not she thinks that far, she hurls out the guilt because it relieves her. Blaming someone else (I know, I am a bad person) may be unfair but my goodness it can feel good.

She shouldn't do that. It's not nice, it's not fair, and most of all it's not TRUE. That last bit is the bit you have to remember. Have you tried enthusiastically agreeing with her? Buying a mock big bunch of keys and rattling them at her going "heh-heh-heh"? What she's saying to you is silly. Maybe a bit of gentle teasing would get her to see that?

My mother has started doing this thing where she just looks at me and goes tearful. No noise or words, just a wobbly chin and welling up. The game is "guess what you've upset me about now." I've known five year olds with a more mature negotiating stance and this drives me up the wall. Which she knows. Which I'm sure is why she does it…

Aaaaarrrrggghhh, scream, gnash! - maybe that's it. They want the reaction, which is another form of attention.

They need our attention. Up to us to try to jolly them into a better kind of attention. Which you did, all day long. And then she got bored with that and started in on you, I know. Back to Square One?

I'm rubbish at praying but I'll do my best. Have a peaceful evening, everyone - Kazzaa any news?

Back from H**l.. The day started off pretty good, telling stories and she even asked how my trip was. I told her about it and she told me some stories of Joel Osteen she remembered from TV. Did her hair, went to the porch and another resident joined us. We laughed, told more stories--well listened to hers, but I didn't mind as long as it was a pleasant visit. I didn't even realize I had been there for 3 hours. When they come to get dinner orders, I was shocked it was 5. She even said, you need to go don't you? I said, yes, I didn't realize what time it was. We walked back to her room and behind closed doors there it started.-- I hate it here, I wish I could get out of here, what if you had to live here. Doesn't it bother you that you leave me here--well, I looked at her and asked her why she liked to hurt me like that. I said to her, why do you do me this way every single time I come. We had a nice visit and you had to go ruin it. Yes!! I DID! She put her head in her hand and just shook her head. I told her I could Not fix it and I was sorry. When I opened the door to leave, she said, "doesn't it hurt you that I am here". I just said, I gotta go and I left. Shew. She puts the knife in and twist it a little more every time. I get in the car and tell myself all the way home, Stop trying to fix it. Wow, when will it end? I told her she could buy her mom's house she would only have to pay 2/3 and she throws a fit. Isn't there other houses here besides hers. I told her NOT for the price you will pay. It is a really nice home and my grandfather built every inch of it. It would be so great for her to have. It is in great condition and so many people are already trying to buy it. We are holding out for her, but I know I cannot be there enough to take care of her. I am just trying to find a way to make her feel better. I know it is NOT going to happen. Please tell me WHY I keep doing this to myself. Why does she keep dishing out the guilt?

Going to eat with my husband and try to relax. Thanks for listening and let's all pray for Kazzaa as she goes through this terrible time.

Wow, a lot has went on this week. I have been busy planning a small trip with my family to see Joel Osteen. By the way, it was very relaxing and uplifting. Too bad I can't follow him around and keep the uplifted spirit. It was a great weekend with my family and so sad today it has to end. Yes, I have to go to my dreaded mother's and listen to her about how I get to go out and how bad her life is. Even Joel Osteen tells us to stop the negativity. My only way to stop hearing it and getting it from her is to walk away. How easy that sounds. I wish I could. I pray all the time for it, I don't think that is what God is wanting from me right now. Hopefully in His time, I will be able to. Joel also brought up something I wanted to share with all of you. He stated that we are where we are supposed to be right now and we may be in a storm (are we ever..ha) He says that God promises that the storm will blow us to a better place and the storm is for a reason. Maybe there is something we are learning and when the storm is over, we will be paid double for what we have been through. I am hanging on to that girls! I will tell you I am a person of faith and I do believe soon this will be over. He also brought up about how we may have felt "dropped"by someone or something (meaning that we may have an illness that wasn't our fault, we may have been mistreated-that wasn't our fault, we may be in that storm--that wasn't our fault)--this is when we will be paid double for what we have been through. Find where it is written, and He will show us the way.

It was a very powerful night, and I am praying for all of you to get through this storm we are in and I can see the beach on the other side with sunshine and peace.

Now, to call my mom and do what I am supposed to do for right now. Love and hugs to all.

Kazzaa-- you have been through too much! I hope you are able to get your mum somewhat stabilized so you can have a life. You have received such great advice in this forum, but I know it is so hard to do sometimes. I can hardly believe you have done what you have done. It just has to be time for you now. I have been so busy starting up school (I am a principal),and taking care of my mom that I haven't written but I am reading everything you are all writing. I am so grateful for everyone's. Thoughts and advice to one another. I am so tired. But, I officially announced that this is my last year and that I will retire in July so I am pretty excited about that! Hey--my mom has some severe tendonitis--anyone have any suggestions? She has it in her leg and it makes walking very difficult. Thanks all--

Kazza so sorry to hear what you are going through. Hugs

Sandwich I love the 5 senses to shut off the mind as well. I wrote them down and have already tried it once and it helped.

Thanks CM no shes still in AnE so yes there will have to be someone to talk to tomorrow but so busy in there my problem probably seems like nothing to other emergencies!
Mum asked me about Joan Rivers? I lied said i knew nothing? she said "well shes dead" she was a bit tearful! yes me too when i heard i loved Joan Rivers she had it tough! R.I.P Joan! I heard she went peacefully and was still cracking jokes right up until the last few minutes GO JOAN! oh just so sad! What a funny woman!!!

CM i havnt been able to get sloshed since my 21st!!! but yes 3 glasses of wine and im done now sometimes i think i only drink as an excuse to eat "chips" as the americans call them! Yep chips with salsa and sour cream and chives!

What a mad few days and this is going to get worse? Isnt it amazing just how strong you do become this time last year if mum collapsed id be a basket case BUT i was quite calm and powerful didnt panic just told brother to sort it this time! Of course it breaks your heart i have dry eyes now you get to a point when you cant cry anymore!
anywhoo bath time and some quality "cat time" poor little thing has been neglected knows somethings up even went sniffing the house for mum he always does that!

Hugs all and remember "what dosnt kill you makes you stronger"!!

Oh dear mum rang?? wants stuff brought in. Now to hear her on the phone sounding kinda normal? she had me in tears again? gosh she sounded so with it? could list off everything she wanted? anywhoo brother can drop it all up to her THEN im switching off!!

Ok im signing off now! And sandwich youre a sweetie! I am now going to have a bath hey what the h*ll WITH CANDLES mums not here can have candles!!! yipee! I have a bottle of wine ready and im sure my good friend will bring the snacks as im not cooking tonight!! I will have a drink and toast all of you tonight is just for me tomorrow is DDAY! Sort mum out and what i want more than anything is to be her daughter again!

sandwich can you please come to Ireland and look after me!!!!!! LOL

Im ok just getting over the shock of all this BUT i feel nothing now just numb i usually hug and tell mum i love her when i leave her in the hospital but i forgot? i left there in a mist? didnt really know how i got home?

tried to sleep but i know i cant so will have a drink with my friend shes such a good friend she said in all that youve been through i hated you because you always look good but now i have to tell you you look ill so yes its time for me to hang up my rubber gloves!! I gave this all i got and then some i am now genuinely worried about my health chest pains are becoming too frequent for my liking so yes its time for the docs now to step in.
Today is friday so by the time i got a chance mums GP is on holidays and i have to track down her shrink? Next wk! i will hopefully have a chance to speak to a doc tomorrow at the hospital and get some solution her coming home here with her black moods is not going to change anything. I want then to know shes NOW a danger to herself! mum was only diagnosed last year so much decline in one year but i know shes had this a good few years maybe even 10 i relate every change in her back to her brother dying thats when i can start to see when she really started to go downhill yes i think it was depression then the hoarding started then, then the clutter, then last 2years her hygiene so no dementia just creeps up slowly what an awful awful illness!

I just had my younger sister from paris on BOY is she hard work and a bit of a bimbo? she said "so why did she collapse?" so why dosnt she do what shes told then?" "well she needs to eat better!" Oh please i had to get her off the phone! Go google dementia join a forum and stop asking stupid questions! My elder sister just kept saying its awful? and what would she know? now that its crunch time i cant handle my siblings?? i waited so long for support now i think h*ll ive done this all on my own stuff them ill do everything on my own it will be less stressful honestly!
My brother who has always been supportive said "i read that if you are jolly and pleasant all the time around them they are too". Oh please? i am a very jolly person but hey when youre been abused for not having dinner ready in 0.2 seconds OR she goes mad when i go out im kinda not so jolly?? Yep these siblings read and think they know it all? come home give up your life and look after your mum if you care that much? Yes today was a good day i got to "snap" at all my siblings and this time they couldnt answer back!

That was a quiet week, was it, Looloo? I wish you fewer busy ones x

Kazzaa see if you can get your hands on the "Home From Hospital" team or whatever they're calling them nowadays. If your mum made it through A&E and was admitted to a ward there's no way they're getting shot of her without a formal care plan. N.b. this might not apply if she's admitted to AAU (adult ambulatory unit, it's like an observation ward) so find out soon as you can what they've done with her. Are you in ROI or up North, btw? - I know the systems are broadly similar but the names might be different.

Do this before you get sloshed! Big hug, hope your mum is well taken care of meanwhile xxx

Kazzaa - hugs, hugs, & more hugs. What your mom did is called Wandering. This is a very dangerous behavior. Very dangerous. It will happen more & more often. It's especially deadly to seniors with dementia in winter time. Your Mom needs to be supervised 24/7 and in a place where she won't be able to wander.

I wish you strength and clarity to get mom into the right place to live. This stress will kill you if it goes on. Your mother will outlive you. Something has got to change so you can rest. It's a trap. You have to think clearly to make changes. You can't get enough rest to think clearly until something changes. This is a tough spot to be in.

Having your mom sectioned is the thing that will be the tipping point. Steel yourself to be ready that day, and make it soon. Yes, she will fight back and not understand. She will probably kick, swear, spit, swing her fists, and who knows what else. Just remember this is NOT your real mom. This is Dementia behaving this way. This will take an ability to emotionally detach. You must NOT allow yourself to get sucked into the drama and be overwhelmed. Once they get her into the hospital, it will be OK. They will get her calmed down and then the specialists can do their jobs.

I absolutely FORBID you from obsessing about how she's doing in there.
Here are your marching orders:

Go get your hair done. Get a massage or pedicure. Do something physically beneficial for YOU immediately after.

This is what I do: take a hot shower as long as I want, have a shot of whiskey (or 2), and then sleep until I wake up. I might substitute a margarita once in a while.

Eat a good meal - whatever you want or haven't been able to have in a long time. Don't rush through it. Chew and taste the food.

Go on a walk. Be outside if you can. A little exercise & fresh air can do wonders.

See a movie, read a book, buy some new socks for winter.
Do things that are restorative to your body, mind, and soul.

It's all going to be OK.

Looloo i have to say what a great neighbour though! And good timing always nice to be so stressed before therapy best time really!!

Tried to sleep but cant my friend will come up so we may party? I feel like a teenager whose mum and dad have left the house and i can invite all my friends round! Yes i need a glass of wine! Christian sister rang?????? do you see why i need a drink? when has she ever phoned re mum? maybe hoping the worst and thinks now shes going to come along and be supportive? I dont think so sis its way too late to start that sh*t now!
Hugs to all and have a restful peaceful wkend!

Hi all, and happy Friday.
Kaz, hope you're getting a little rest, and although what happened w/your mother was frightening and upsetting, maybe now things have turned to the point where others can finally step in.
Sandwich, how are things going with you? I love the advice to list things that you notice with the 5 senses, right HERE, right NOW, to stop our mind and moods from spinning the way they do. I will definitely try that.
Jewel and Juddhabuddha, how did your week go?
Mine was QUIET. I guess I didn't post, but last Saturday (haha, as I was walking into my therapist's office!), I got a text from my mother's home care person, asking me if I could call my mother's cell phone, because she misplaced it. Turns out she also misplaced her keys. Her neighbor of course, got SO upset, and so I dealt throughout the day with texts, emails, and phone calls. Here are the facts: 1) my mother never uses her cell phone, it's never turned on, so calling it won't help her find it. 2) my mother only needs her housekey now, so whatever other keys are on her keyring isn't an issue. 3) this neighbor HAS a key to my mother's house, and there is a hardware store literally less than a mile away, so I don't understand the hysteria, when all she needed to do was make a copy and give it to my mother. As is our pattern, I had to listen to her (in her frantic, drank way too-much-Starbucks voice) give me a blow by blow account of the "HOURS" spent combing through my mother's house to try to find the keys. She also thought it would be productive to as my mother to review all of her actions from the previous 24 hours, in an attempt to locate the keys. What part of "memory loss" does she not understand????
Anyway, I calmed her down, requested that she get a copy of the key made, and give it to my mother. And I thanked her profusely for all of her help, and tried to comfort her by reminding her that this was NOT an emergency, just a very temporary inconvenience, easily remedied.
I'm actually very grateful that she DID have a spare key, because if she didn't, I'd have to drive 6 hours round trip to resolve it. And, I'd break my new record of no contact w/my mother, which is now at 5 weeks and counting :). I thought maybe by now I wouldn't be keeping track, but guess I'm not quite there yet.
This week I just handled her termite inspection appt., mail, bills, and doctor's appt. I faxed a letter to new primary doc to give him all the background, so hopefully he'll have a good understanding of things when he sees her next week.
Take care everyone, find a few peaceful moments if you can :)

Mum got up yesterday and snook off into town in a taxi by herself? by six oclock i knew something was wrong. I got a phone call from a shop to say shed collapsed and was taken to hospital so i got brother to go and deal with it i knew if she could give her number she was ok and had had a hypo! She was ok and brother stayed until midnight i told him be sure you tell them she has dementia? rang this morning asked the nurse if she knew she had dementia she said NO your brother didnt mention that????????????????
Am drained now been up with her for 3hrs waiting to see her doc but couldnt handle her shit abusing me in front of loads of people and using curse words? anyway i now have to get her doc on phone and hound the shrink i cant take much more and do not want her out until they calm her moods. Soooooooooooo tired but my head is wired! IF she does need to be sectioned isnt this the time to do it? AnE was packed so i reckon they will send her home tomorrow once her bloods stabilise UNTIL it happens again? Got a very snappy nurse so i had to pull her aside and tell her to drop her attitude that i was close to collapsing myself BUT god only knows what mums being saying to them about me.
Anyway things are moving so please god i can get her help now even something to calm her. Sick with dread that she will be back home here tomorrow so i better make the most of my night off?
I cannot do this anymore my friend said you look ILL. my face is white and i have big dark circles under my eyes i just pray i can sleep!

Thanks guys for just being here i dont know what id do as family just dont get how stressing this is on me.

Kazza, how are you doing?

I will be honest and hope it helps you get out from under the guilt. None of us have anything at all to feel guilty about whatsoever. If you don't do the right thing, yes, feel guilty. Pursuing answers and relief, respite, and solutions is nothing to be guilty about. Guilt is depriving you of power you need to persevere and be strong for the long haul.

One thing I had to make myself do was to stop projecting myself into mom's body or position. Stop imagining what she's feeling or feeling as if it was happening to me. That is a road to crazy there. Don't torture yourself with that stuff because it may not be true and it feeds the guilt. Doing that will kill your objectivity and ability to take action.

I learned a trick from a therapist to control anxiety - stop going off into the disaster movie in your mind that isn't really happening. When those thoughts come in, stop, name 5 things you see in front of you. 5 things you hear, 5 things you smell, hear, and can feel with your body. Do this exercise as many times as it takes to calm down. Repeat the same things if you need to. It really does work with practice.

Going into care truly is not the worst thing that could happen. These things have been built up into intimidating steps, and they don't need to be. I promise.
A lot of the stigma or hesitation comes from ancient medical practices nobody has done in 50+ years and movies. My mom deprived herself of psychiatric help her whole life out of fear of ice baths & shock treatments. So unnecessary.

We honor our loved ones by getting them the care and interventions they need.

I guess I had already seen the alternative that was so much worse than going into a nursing home or psych ward - living like a wild animal in a filthy, disgusting, disrepaired house. Surrounded by rotten food, rusty water, piles of used adult diapers, and darkness getting weirder and meaner by the day. Rotting teeth, rotting house, rotting mind. It looked like the set of a horror movie.

None of the treatments mom has received have hurt her. Being subdued the day she had her big tantrum probably hurt, but the doctors, nurses, psychiatrists, and other people didn't do anything to hurt her. She was restrained and objected to that, but that was to keep her from hurting the staff when she was out of her mind. I never worried about her suffering in there. She had suffered plenty outside the hospital.
The road to repair and any kind of recovery was through institutions with doctors, nurses, caregivers, and specialists.

It's not easy, but try to let go of guilt. We all really need that energy for other things.

Ok, went back and read your post on sectioned. They use that too here, but not that long. My mom was just not allowed visitors for a week. That was bad enough. There are no words for how I felt. Sadly, I did feel much relief after a few days, then knowing time was up, I felt bad again. When I went to get her to take her home, she was sitting starring in space. They weren't allowed to talk to each other much or watch tv. It was just so sad. I went to the bathroom and cried. I thought there must be a better way. It is almost like putting a dog in confinement to see if they have rabies. May be a bad analogy, but that's what I felt like. So glad that is over, but believe me, she brings it up from time to time and how bad she was treated.--my fault once again. But without doing all these different treatments, we would have never found out what was wrong.

Thinking of you, as I know how hard all this is. It truly is tramatic to the caregiver. Especially when we know we are the ones having to make these awful decisions. I guess my mom is somewhat right when she says "it is up to the children". I am not sure what you mean about being shocked and/or sectioned --I will look it up, but no matter, it is all terrible when we know they need help that we cannot give them personally. Leave it to God and the doctors and it will work out.

Thanks guys and sandwch and jewel especially it does make it better when someone else has been there! well if anything that came good out of today family are "shocked"?? my sister "omg what does that mean?" EH mums going mad and she needs to be treated what the hell did you think dementia is? My sister has never even googled dementia? yes so family starting to wake up but i was adamant that i will not be here alone when and if mum is sectioned thankgod they agreed phew!
Yes guys ive not eaten today have a lump in my stomach the guilt is enourmous BUT i have to be prepared as this cannot go on like this it breaks my heart to see mum living like shes a down and out? I dont have a problem washing her caring for her like i thought caring was but when someone is getting aggressive when youre trying to help something is not right?
I am so drained and was freezing earlier probably shock kicking in? i cant go on like this not knowing what shes going to do next? Nurse said she is definetly a threat to herself with her meds so she assured me its for her own good and welfare.
And yes youre both right i couldnt be there to see her sectioned it would destroy me. I pray god takes her before this happens im sorry but thats how i feel right now because mum will not go willingly. Gosh if they could give her something to calm her down i would be so happy and alot less stressed? I cant stop crying and think im about to wake up from a nightmare but i need to toughen up if it comes to this and she gets the help she needs then i will have to go along with this.
What some people dont understand sometimes is keeping them from an NH could kill them quicker if mum dosnt get help now my worst fear is something happens and im NOT here to me that would be the worst to handle that she died alone here i cant live thinking like this and would feel better that shes somewhere shes being looked after. The nh she would go into has a fantastic reputation and is 15mins walk from this house?
Anyway drained and hope i just hit the pillow hard tonight i just pray i dont have nightmares? I am glad my sister is here next week i cant do this alone!

Dosnt matter what we witness with this illness everytime something just throws you like this is happening to someone else and your looking in?

Anyway im so glad im on here and others understand, right now my head is "mush" my biggest nightmare was mum going into a NH but this is worse? Ok break a hip then transfer to NH but this OMG! Tough times ahead but at least things are moving? faster than i thought but something is happening towards a solution!
Hugs to all

I hate when I write something then all the other comments show up. haha
Kaazza: When or if you chose to let all this happen, please be aware that the guilt you feel now will triple and the pit of dread will become so large you will fee swallowed up in a big black hole unknown to men. With that said, it WILL be ok. Before they knew what was wrong with my mom, before she was diagnosed with dementia, my mom too was put in a mental rehab center to try to get her anxiety under control. We had NEVER experienced this with anyone in our family and it was taboo to mention such things. It is really hard for me to write about because NONE of the family members know about this! I was embarrassed, my mom was embarrassed and I felt like I had taken my dog to the pound. It is such an immeasurable guilt. I felt so sorry for her and I couldn't visit or talk to her for a week. It was the best thing, but was it. They couldn't and didn't get anything under control. After that, she was diagnosed with the Frontal Lobe Dementia. The medications didn't work that well, except for some anxiety. I am thinking of you as you take this long path to figure it all out. Do what is best for you and your family. I will tell you, I don't think I would ever do it again if I had it to do over, but everyone is different. I am definitely NOT telling you NOT to do it, I am only telling you my experience and want you to be prepared for the feelings that will arise. Good luck to you!