Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
I would love some botox to clear up these furrows that grow deeper and deeper between my eyebrows. I know the stress has plowed two corn rows and I need to smooth them out. Actually I have lost weight from the running and stress but my mind feels fat. Love all the ideas, I always say I am going to the beach when I find a way.
You can have trouble all around you. Stress. Frustration. Worry. But you don’t have to allow what’s on the outside get on the inside. Scripture calls it “the peace that passes all understanding.”---Joel Osteen
yes amen jeweltone have a good day today! Im sitting here and next door are having a party!!!!!!!!! party noises now would go and join them but too tired gosh i used to be a party animal??
My week has come to an end and tomorrow is Sunday. The day I go punish myself. Hopefully it won't be too bad and I can start another week doing what makes me happy.--not listening to her, worrying about her, and all the above.
Rome wasn't built in a day--from what I hear, so I know it takes time to change ones behavior, even if it is mine. Working toward this goal is something I strive for everyday. Be myself, who I want to be, not who she thinks I should be. That is a goal that seems so unreachable sometimes, but I think with some hard work, it can be accomplished.
I raise my glass to the hoops we have jumped through thus far and mountains we have climbed. Push forward with me and let's get rid of useless nonsense fogging our minds and cheating us of our right to happiness.
I want to put a duvet over my head and just wake me up when they are all gone!!! My head is about to explode with all this crap constantly being dragged up from the past and now more stress for us another funeral with our dysfunctional family lets just say my "aunt" was the "GODMOTHER" of this family oh a force to be reckoned with!! She would give the "Don Corleone" a run for his money!! and now shes dying leaving chaos behind her!! yep i reckon its going to be a good funeral and maybe a little "closure" for us!
I want to "divorce both these families" is that possible? maybe run away change my name?? But hey they are both dying off now bring on our new generation as we all seem to get on well and have all learnt by our "dysfunctional parents mistakes".
Im so drained and tired of family crap wish i was a tree!!
Poor old mother. You can tell she's really past it now because she's stopped complaining about being 'stuck in the country.' She hates the countryside. You'd have thought she might have mentioned that before she agreed to move here with us, eh?
Kazzaa: Yes, it is so funny how they think everyone else is so well taken care of and they got the shaft. My mom does the same thing. When my grandmother was living, my aunt brought her to see my mom when she got really bad. My grandmother had just gone to live with my aunt. My mom went on and on about how good my grandmother looked--and that she did. She said my sister is taking good care of mom, isn't she. When I agreed, I didn't realize at the moment she was not really saying she was proud of her sister, she was criticizing me... :-(
Have a great weekend and I will chime in soon.
kazzaa: Too funny. She knows she isn't going and no she will not be happy anywhere but under your care. You must be doing a great job. I will say, I thought I could do it, but now I realize I couldn't.
I have decided that when I call her tonight after work, I will just tell her I will see her Sunday and let that be it. No time for useless conversation. No time for woe is me, poor me, look what you've done to me nonsense. Listen who has some gumption today...yes, me! Now, the rest of you get that same gumption and break free even if it is for a day or just a few minutes. It is so freeing. Just what I have been praying for. Now, don't get excited, it may not last, but I have grabbed the bull by the horns TODAY and riding it out. No negativity will get me down TODAY--keyword.
Lots of love sent out to each of you and grab that Bull--ride 'em cowboy (cowgirls)
I enjoy Mondays, Tuesdays and some Wednesdays. I know tomorrow I must call her or I will hear about it. I try to keep the peace even though there isn't much peace. I wish so much I didn't care what she thought. I want to be free of caring what will she say, what she will do, and how she will react.
Next weekend my family and I are going to spend a weekend away and I dread telling her. She will make me feel so guilty for going. I have to tell her being I usually go see her and do her hair, etc. There is the wimp coming out, njny...haha
My favorite saying in the whole wide world is as follows:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have accepted I cannot change her, but it doesn't make it easier. Maybe I will try that wine, tattoo on the eye lids, and what ever else that works.
My mother will stand around, in front of me, and tell anyone with an ear that she has had to do "everything" her entire life all by herself, that she has NOBODY, and has always been alone. It's 100% cow manure.
She had 29 years with my father, who was a saint. She has had me for 43 years. Both of us worked our butts off to please her. She never had to worry for food, lodging, or clothes. Dad treated her like a princess. Neighbors and friends would always come to her rescue until she smothered them to death. But, let's not get distracted by the facts and all remember it was her versus the world, and she has battled and fought the entire way. Spare a moment and lay a flower at her monument please.
The more help she ever got, the more she demanded. If you didn't jump, she became displeased and would punish you one way or another. She is the living breathing incarnation of the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland. She has a temper with a hair trigger. She can get hopping mad in no time flat.
In order to survive one of these people, you MUST put up tall fences. Literally and figuratively. You cannot be emotionally or physicall available to them on demand. Unplug the phone. Delete their emails. Realize this is a transactional relationship, and they are only in it for what benefits them. Sometimes I wondered if mom even recognized me as another human being.
You can lay down your life for these people and they will walk right over your corpse, complaining that you never did a durn thing for them in your entire wasted life, and look, there you are now in the way, lying the road in front of them.
In the mean time I've typed letters for her (English isn't her first language), helped her with work projects, drove her around, used vacation time to visit her or take her places, lent her money, bought her things with my own money, gave her money, and so on.
And you know what, she doesn't seem to remember any of that because it's always "I had to do EVERYTHING on my own." Well, now she's her own self-fulfilling prophecy, except I'll take her shopping for necessities until I can confirm she has someone taking her.
If I'm going to be a jerk in her eyes, I figure I'll be a happy jerk in my heart and mind at least.
Keep some distance and shout it to the wall, to her picture, in here, wherever, that you want her to leave you alone! We all deserve some peace, especially if we're always giving and never getting any decency in return!
And so true about being 'less wimpy'! :)
After 5 consecutive days of pure, blissful peace this weekend (the planets must have aligned perfectly!), yesterday I spent several hours doing things for her, and once again, making sure she didn't do further damage. Yesterday's saga involved her insurance policies. Her neighbor emailed me back and forth several times, letting me know that my mother was talking about "NEEDING" to go to her local Auto Club office to discuss her insurance policies (she has all her insurance policies w/them). I take care of all of that, and it's all up to date, no changes need to be made, and she does NOT need to purchase anything else -- no new policies, no investments, and certainly no trips!
I spent my lunch hour at MY local auto club, informing/warning them about her, and giving them a copy of the POA. Now I need to call my mother's local office and cover my bases there as well.
Several weeks ago, her neighbor called me and let me know that she was worried (she's always very worried about...well, everything) that my mother might need new shoes. I wasn't sure what to do about that. It's probably true, she does need new shoes. Anyway, yesterday, I was cleaning out her email inbox and saw an email for Zappos. Ding ding, light bulb! I was able to get her password on Zappos reset, and then I could see her previous purchases. So, I went ahead and got her 3 new pairs of shoes -- one identical to what she has, and 2 that are very similar, by the same makers. Black, brown, and grey. They'll ship to her this week.
I added a note that it was from my husband and me, but will need to track the shipment and maybe check with the neighbor that she received them. My mother, you see, will not acknowledge gifts that I send to her. I've always had to call her and confirm that she's received them. THEN, she'll say that she did, and maybe I'll get a 'thank you.' But she's never picked up the phone to thank me. Charming lady.
Linda--I have always felt my mother's love was conditional. I think that says it all. You know, I love my children heart and soul no matter what (and there has been plenty of "what!), but I love them and thank goodness, they know it. Unconditional and forever. My mother has always told me to wait and see, that I would be like her as I age, but guess what? I haven't! Maybe in some little ways, but not the biggies that matter. I remember when my daughter was three years old, listening to my end of a phone conversation with my mother, saying to me, "Your mommy is mean to you." Wow.
So, friends, another day, another gearing up. Setting boundaries, starting over with the hard mental work, but not completely starting over. I gain a little more each day. I mis-step every now and again and go backwards, but I am also moving forward. Much of it is thanks to you and the others that write in this forum. Onward, caregivers--let's take care of ourselves in this confusing maze of decisions, guilt, and frustration.
Dear Jeweltone--thanks for sharing about your finances--I hope you can take a few minutes and tend to it. Don't let her damage you because you don't have the energy to take care of business. You are making a ton of progress. I can tell by your writing! Keep protecting yourself.
Thank you, everyone, for contributing to this forum. I am going to try and do something nice for myself today!
The silent demands of our moms is like slowly drinking poison. It is internally /emotionally shutting us down. My mom, too, was very grateful on Sunday, she even thanked me for doing her hair..but in the same sentence she said, "I guess I will owe you big, won't I?" The thank you was enough and then she had to add the guilt to the top like a big fat cherry. She even laughed and talked to one of the residents that came outside when he saw us out there. Then the next day I hear she is putting me down for being that terrible daughter.--the same daughter that moved in with her while abandoning her family. The same daughter that saves her $20 a week for doing her hair..she would have to pay someone do it every week. The same daughter that says how high when she says jump. I am learning to be less wimpy, njny, haha. You will too. I am still wimpy, but with less wimp. I think that is another reason my mom looks down on me so much because I don't do everything she ask anymore. I still do a lot, but I have learned to say not today or maybe tomorrow. With your mom still being at home, I see your need to want to check on her each day even two or three times a day. I did the same thing and then she moved in AL and I was able to start calling once or twice a week and going to see her once and sometimes twice a week.
Sunday when I went to visit, she asked what I had done today. I went to tell her laundry, cooked breakfast, etc. While trying to talk to her she said I should have done that yesterday (saturday, I didn't go see her) I ignored it and went on talking, she said, what did you do yesterday?, I ignored it and kept talking (changing the subject as we have discussed), she angrily said, "I said, what did you do yesterday?' you didn't come here, so what did you do? I said, "I rested, mom, I rested". She didn't know what to say. Ha!! When I wanted to say, why does it matter? I didn't want to come and that is that. She thinks I should come every minute I have free.
I agree Linda, conditional love is what my mom displays toward me. She only loves me and appreciates me under her conditions. When it is convenient for her and as long as it is all going her way.
I always dread the middle of the week because I know I need to call her. I keep reading different things about getting away from negative behavior, that is all fine, but when the negative behavior comes from your mother, it is more difficult. If it were a friend, aunt, sister (which I don't have) it may be easier, but mom, why does it have to be the mom? the person I am now responsible for.
This has affected my life in so many ways on so many levels. It has changed the way I view life, it has taken up all the space in my mind, my house and my finances are suffering. I am not really paying anything for her (every now and then if I am out and get her something) but my mind is so overwhelmed that I don't tackle much anymore, including the bills and financial responsibilities I once would have never neglected. I haven't ever shared that before, but I need to address it and recognize how bad it is getting. I used to open my mail immediately and organize everything in order of each week to pay. Now, there it all lays on the table on the counter needing attention. I don't know why, but I just don't want to think about it anymore. I get her mail too, and take care of her stuff and I am tired of it all. I am just so overwhelmed that I just don't bother with any of it. There, I said it. I put it out there, my dirty laundry.,,,and I have that too, haha.
Good night friends, I think I will try to relax a bit before bed. Tomorrow is a new day. It may be a day one of us will receive our life back. Hang in there and believe this isn't all for nothing.
What you write sounds like conditional love, where one is loving and all when you are doing/behaving as they wish. When you aren't, they change the behavior.
Think about what you'd like to do when you retire - volunteer, do consulting part time, travel. Start putting together your plan for your next chapter. Explore some new groups while you're working so you can transition. It'll be easier for you to be able to balance your needs and Mom's needs/demands if you already have a few things in place.
I hope i win the lotto and start a daycare for caregivers coffee cakes and beauty treatments foot massages!! Droooooooool
Okay--I know you will think I am a wimp (I probably am), but I always try to help. My 87 year old mother has a little dog that she lives for. Mom's legs have been hurting her a lot lately, so she asked if I could stop by her house on my way to work in the morning and let out the dog, and give her food and water because her legs are the worst in the morning. I did this last year as often as I could. I would say that about half the time the dog would get up too early, and my mother would call and tell me she had to take care of it, and not to bother to come. I always felt a little guilty when I didn't get there in time, but she won't consider other options like a doggie door. So, she just asked me yesterday if I would start this up again now that I am going back to work and I said I would, but that I might not get there early enough. She asked if I could get there by 7:30, and I said I could. Sure enough, at 7:15 the phone rings, and she told me she got up and took care of it. I asked her how her legs were and she told me how painful they were. I should have not even asked. I then went over to check on things (I really ask for it, don't I?) and she was pretty miserable. In pain, and then she throws the zinger. "You were able to do this last year, but not this year, I guess." Just yesterday she told me how grateful she is because she would have to go live in "a place" if I didn't do all I do for her. (I am over there often two or three times a day.) I shared her comment with a friend who firmly stated that she was using her kind words as guilt and control. Was she? Or does she really care? It still matters, but I think I just have to let that go. I am just too sensitive. Only child, always trying to meet her emotional needs from since I was little. I have so much in my life to be grateful for, but this puts a gray covering on all of it.
Some days she truly seems to love me; others it is clearly contingent upon my behaving like a perfect puppy. I feel that sickness in my stomach, but at least I know that I am doing a ton for her--every day, although losing much of myself along the way. I am fighting it all, though, in my own private way. It is just so emotionally painful and slow going. Why do I need her approval? I truly have gotten better but I want this feeling to be GONE! Some of you are so brave--please know how much I value your sharing. This site is one of the things that keeps me going. So does work, but in a year I will retire and then what? Thanks for listening!
You know what? Fine. I've gotten the message loud and clear for 47 years. Guess what? I like my life better without her belittling me and criticizing me. She will get what she needs the rest of her life, she just won't have me as her personal target for insults and accusations anymore.