Is it normal she's so negative?

All, thank you for your comments. I have never been part of an online forum before, and this is very helpful. I thought my mom was the only martyr, the only victim. :) She says she has been tough, but I don't see it. Sure, she kept up the house and property for 25 years after dad left, but she tells me she's so sad, and that she doesn't have any choices because of what he did to her. Most people would eventually seek help from clergy or a counselor, but not her. It would be an embarrassment to her family to "air her dirty laundry". So, she will just keep telling me how sad she is and that he left her no choice. I tell her she always has choices. No one wants to see their parent sad. I have taken the high road in continuing to check on her daily, but after reading other comments I know that I will just need to draw the line with her. Again. It's happened before, and we didn't talk for 2 months. But, I am tired of her trying to drag me into the past. I want to move forward, and that's what she needs to do to. I know it's not my responsibility to make her happy - she always says when referring to others, "she has her children near her", or "I need to be near my children". Well, why didn't she do this years ago? Um, there's a reason your children don't enjoy visiting you, because eventually it turns into "...because of what your dad did to me." Here is a really good example: my only other sibling, my brother, is a bit older than me and lives in NJ. A few years ago he came to see us, then went on down to my mother's. He took his daughter, then 12, with him. While he was at my mom's for two days, she talked him into planting all kinds of shrubs and really didn't spend quality time with her granddaughter. And, they had not seen each other for a long time. (You know why. My brother avoids coming home because of Mom's attitude.) To this day he will say, "I can't believe Mom had me planting shrubs after we hadn't seen each other in years." By the way, she also doesn't like how my husband communicates with her because he is very direct and practical. (One of the many things I love about him.) She wants someone to coddle her. He just tells her the reality of the situation, so now she says that she "gets nervous" when she's around him. Sigh. So glad there are others that know what I am experiencing. Many, many thanks again, all. I look forward to participating and hopefully helping others as well.

Hi Jeweltone, yes, I'm about a 3 hour drive from my mother (without traffic, one way). I've been flashing back to a year ago--getting frantic phone calls from her neighbor about: my mother misplacing her (ancient and never used) cell phone, her not understanding the process for turning in her old cable box for the new provider's, the broken lock on her cedar chest, the bank transaction that took 4 months to resolve (it was a European bank that my father had an account at), the sleezy solar panel sales guy who tried to rope my mother into buying/financing for her house..... So many times I had to drop everything, leave work, and get over there to HANDLE.
It probably isn't realistic to think that there will never be contact, but I don't have it in me anymore to fake a relationship of any kind. I'll just be one of the growing number of people who are assisting her now--I don't want the label of 'daughter' or 'family' anymore.

Multipass: I believe you just rewrote my life. My mom could have been the clone of your mom. She too still dwells on her divorce from my dad which was about 25 or so years ago. My dad couldn't take it anymore either. She wanted him to leave, I heard it on a daily basis and now it is his fault he left her. My mom has NEVER taken responsibility for anything.--Such as actions, it is always someone else's fault. She was/is too perfect for anything to be her fault. Just like not going to pick out things she wanted from my grandmother's, now she is saying no one took her and no one offered to take her- that is BS. We offered and offered and the answer was no, and now it is our fault she didn't get much. once again not taking responsibility for saying no and not wanting to go. This is just one example, there are many more.

This site is very helpful and I feel better as well sharing my story. If it helps someone else, then I have accomplished something. My mom thinks I am just incompetent and don't know how to do anything. She is the perfect one. If I can give you any piece of advice and you take it, that would be NOT to move your mom closer to you. I repeat, DO NOT move your mom closer to you. Hire someone from her hometown to help out or at some point be looking for an alternative like assisted living in her town. I made the mistake of moving her closer thinking it would make it easier than me traveling an hour every week. Be careful what you wish for. It is much harder with her knowing you are close by. You will NOT get any relief. I see my mom every week and talk to her two times a week and it is still not enough for her. She acts like I am a terrible daughter. My mom, too, insinuates to me that I am not doing a good job by using other's as an example. (i.e. that man's grandson put him in here, because they don't know what to do with old people, they stick them in a place like this) When I ask her if she were pointing fingers, she said: If the shoe fits...

As you have read, my mom told someone this very week what kind of daughter puts her mother in a place like this and leaves her. How soon she has forgotten that I abandoned my family last summer and moved in with her. So, that daughter decided with the support of others, to try and get part of my life back. My mom is much like yours, she only cares as long as it is convenient for her. She doesn't care that it might be a burden on my family..she just says it, I know I am a burden or I know your so busy you don't have time for me. Pushing me farther and farther in the ground. She has told me several times that she would have never put her mom in a place like that. Well, my mom didn't have kids at home and she was retired when she would stay with my grandmother two times a week and she had a sister to help out as well. I work two jobs, my husband works two jobs, my daughter is college and my son in high school. She does not care. It doesn't matter to them they just EXPECT us to do it. My mom truly thinks I owe her something. All we owe our parents is respect. That is all I hope from my own children, that they just respect us. Our support goes to our children free of charge. I would NEVER expect anything more from my own kids. My mom's dementia is not the reason for all this, she was like this many years ago. It is hard to distinguish the difference many times.

Keep reading and writing and we will all get through this. Just like learning curve stated, "good, faithful servant"....

Wow, looloo. I know that is not easy. I think you live a bit farther away also, correct? That in itself does make it easier. When my mom lived an hour from me, it was easier to not contact her so much. After moving her closer, BIG mistake, it is so difficult knowing I am just down the road and I mean within a 20 min walking distance and 5 min in the car. I wish I hadn't moved her closer, but I didn't know what else to do. I want to stop talking to her so bad. Her memory has become some better since she has been in AL. Having more of a schedule has helped, so I am out of luck when it comes to her forgetting if I called and she is starting to write things on her calendar. smh... I wish you the best at your new adventure. I hope it brings you the peace you are looking for. As time goes on, it will become even easier for you.

Jeweltone, I hope things are going better for you and you most likely have given others support by sharing your situation here. Me, for example. My dad divorced my mother 25 years ago because he just couldn't take it any more. They really grew apart. He remarried and they are still together, and my mother reminds me of it constantly. I see my mother going down the same path as your mom, although right now she is still living in her house and panicking over every little thing. Funny thing is, she's been this way for 25 years, but getting worse. She will use the guilt trip on me any way she can. ("Your father left me and put my care in your hands - I'm so sorry this burden is on you." or, the ever popular, "I took care of my parents myself - that's the way it should be.") Well, her parents lived 1 mile from our house, so Mom could drive there whenever she wanted. She lives 2 hours from me and while it's impossible for us to move to her town, it's going to be even more impossible to move her out of a town she's lived in all her life. She complains that I "read into things" when she makes very pointed complaints toward me. I try to call her each day to check up on her, because I know no one else does. But I am so tired of her negativity!! It even backfires when I tell her "let's try to be positive and think about what we can do to make things better" - because she wants to dwell on her divorce that occurred 25 years ago. "If only things were that easy", she tells me. Oh, and my mom, like yours, displays this pristine self to everyone else. (One of her favorite lines, "I didn't do anything.") And, she complains about her neighbors constantly. One put up a storage barn on their property, which is pretty common, and she was just beside herself for months, having to look at it. So, Jeweltone, I totally understand where you are coming from. This is the first time I've ever been on a forum like this, and quite honestly, I just want to know that I'm not alone, and that other kids are running into this with their parents. I love my parents, but this is really putting a strain on me because I just don't know how else to approach her anymore. Seriously, if I lay the law down with her and tell her that I won't come down anymore or won't call her anymore until she stops the negativity and berating me about my dad, she'll just angrily hang up after saying, "after all I've done for you!". Sad, really. I do love her but she makes it nearly impossible to help her.

It's been a wild 16 year ride but now she is weaker and can do less damage. I have kept her comfortable and as healthy as possible during my stint as servant. She has wanted for little during this time other than maybe my head on a platter. She can no longer walk so dancing on my grave is not an option.
We do what we do before God and will answer to Him alone in the end. Other than my occasional outbursts regarding this injustice I believe he will say: "Well done, good and faithful servant."
I believe He will say that of all of us here.

Hello everyone, I've been reading all your posts this week and relating to every one of them. I haven't written much the past week because as of last Friday, it has been 3 weeks and counting of no contact w/my mother. I still manage all her affairs, communicate w/her neighbor and the home care agency, doctors, etc.
I've had a bit of a shift, personally. My attitude has gone from wishing for a day when I would have no further contact, to making it a reality now. And being calm, organized, and FINE with it.
I don't need any more incidents to hurt me or infuriate me in order to validate this decision (which has been coming for a lifetime). I guess I'm lucky in a way, because my mother has always been so disinterested in me (or anyone who doesn't give her Narcissistic Supply) that I know she doesn't "miss" me one bit. And of course, w/dementia, she doesn't realize the days passing like they do. I am positive that I'm not leaving any kind of emotional hole in her life.
Anyway, my earlier down-in-the-dumps moment last week about not always getting the feedback you hope for from people, kind of freed me a bit too, after some thought. There IS a lot of support and understanding out there, no question. But this is also very much something ALL our own, and it's good to be able to hear our OWN voice above the clatter of all the other noisy opinions and attitudes out there, whether it's our parent, a neighbor, a friend, or whoever.
I have been talking this whole thing through with a therapist, and will see her again later this week. It'll be one entire month of no contact by then. It's a very good thing. I hope it lasts.

I thought I was going to get on here and have a hallelujah moment and that it be it. I did have a good visit with mom today. Not much complaining, only a few daggers came my way, and she thanked me for doing her hair--a first. Then, I found out that she is telling people that she don't see me, I don't do anything for her and that I just dumped her there at the AL. She stated to this person, "what kind of daughter does that to her mom?" What kind of daughter takes over everything and leaves her mom...This is not much of a surprise since my mom makes comments to me in a round about way on the same type of topics. She truly believes in her mind that I am a worthless piece of crap and I am stealing her money, abandoning her, and leaving her for dead. What in the world? Even though I know she feels this way, it does hurt when you hear it out loud. I bend over backwards, go out of my way to make her happy--mission impossible. I cannot control how she feels, I am responsible for my own happiness and not hers, and I am ready for that peace to fall from the sky. She honestly thinks I owe her something for having me, for feeding me, making sure I had clothes and a roof over my head. By the way, FYI, that is what a parent is supposed to do. My children owe me nothing for I chose them and wouldn't want it any other way. Can you say NARCISSISTIC behavior. I cannot believe how mentally ill my mom must truly be. It is time I find a way to get away from such behavior and manipulation. If she believes I never come--this is not a memory problem for her...if she believes I do nothing for her and take her money, then maybe I should stop coming and take her money and go on an extravagant vacation. I am still at the peaceful level I was this week, just a bit derailed at the moment.

I feel some better that I am able to write my thoughts before I go to bed. Here is where I want to say: GO AWAY, MOM!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Sadness then Freedom.... Yes, exactly how I feel. I, too, think about what life would be like. I still have several years to go, but I still sit and think how free I would be from all the emotions. I realize different emotions will ring in, but then freedom will ring. I have tried really hard this week to pull back more and do the things I need to do and not worry about what is going on with her. I have my own life to worry about and my house shows how my mind feels. I know some may think a clean, straight house isn't everything, but when I have been used to a well put together home that means a clear mind for me. When we are unorganized--(at my house is the we I am speaking of) we seem to be less productive. We moved our daughter back to college this week and I spent my time focusing on her and NOT my mom. Hurray! It felt really good to do for my family without the worries of what "she" is thinking or what "she" needs. I saw her Monday, she called me Tuesday and I didn't call her until today. It has felt so liberating. I hope I can keep this up. When I told her I would be up tomorrow, she became very quiet, and I just said, "are you there?". She said, "ok then, bye". I feel so much better this week. The dread is there, but not as debilitating as usual.

Emjo- I agree with you about needing to change the lies we all lived with. That is exactly what it was. I have only realized lately that my life was one big lie with her. She made everything always seem so great. Maybe in her eyes it was. Maybe because everyone was doing what she wanted. We did everything she ever asked and if it seemed impossible, we did it anyway. I am tired now. Worn out with keeping it up. Now I realize I don't have to. I always wondered why mom could go on and on when she started a rage, you answered that: she got her energy from the rage. It is all making sense now.

Kazzaa-- I try also to change the subject, but we always seem to end back up to her misery, woe is me, what about me, and all the negativity about what I am NOT doing. I hope one day they will see what we do for them and what we have done in the past. If not, that isn't any loss for me, because I do what I think is right for me and I don't need anything from her.

Judda--I am trying to think the same way--a lady that needs my help. The emotional attachment still makes that very hard to do. Since I have so many years ahead of me with her, I hope with each month, each year, I can lessen the attachment more and more.



.

Juddah! I know how you feel and i used to ask myself this about mum? Whether good or bad with her dementia things came out about her past that although shocking finally made sense to us her whole life of unhappiness and negativity and yes her slight "madness" yes looking back she was always a bit mad the woman im looking after now is the same woman ive known all my life its just her personality has become worse yes more negative,more unhappy. I too feel like you sadness,guilt? i see mum is just recalling all the bad shit in her life its like its tormenting her i try to change the subject and ask about happier times her mum her school it works for awhile but the bad memories are the dominant ones that just keep returning and then i realise i cannot fix this and yes i try to be as compassionate as i can be and yes its hard!
I know there is some new therapy i saw on a programme that can erase trauma and bad memories???? gosh bring it on? i dont know its new but alot of people have tried it? Yes if i could erase mums bad memories and there only be good ones this wouldnt be as hard? I hope when she progresses that maybe she will forget her past and be a happier person but who knows?
Sounds a bit too good to be true though this new therapy to be able to erase all the bad shit in your life? Mmmm?

One more thought: even harder to imagine: what is this part of their life for them? I think I can find compassion for Mom's hidden guilt, and lack of comprehension of her own life. I know I don't really KNOW. How can I really judge her? Do I want to?
I pray for compassion and understanding.

Jewel tone: you said it for me: that whole list of checks. These days I alternate with pity for Mom, apathy, sadness. Less and less anger as I realize she has been mentally ill her whole life. Lately I have been able to be a giver, because I SEE her for an old woman, whom I used to love, (and still do to some extent apart from my tangled pile of feelings and bad memories and good memories). When she cuts me off, confuses boundaries, is in denial, gets mad, frustrated: I know this is her in old age. It's easier to forgive. I try to remember the times when she WAS there for me. Yes, on and off for almost 5 decades. We lived many miles apart and had a good relationship that way. There was a time when she was my best friend.
It's strange how I thought I was over the horrible childhood stuff and now I must face it, relive it, in order to let it go. Little by little I let it go.

I think that she won't be here soon. What will that feel like for me? Sadness, then a celebration for my new freedom! There will be many times I will miss her. I already miss the person I was close to. These times are like a dress rehearsal.

It's so comforting to know I am not alone in this kind of journey. It is helpful to see each other in our different stages of healing. I have full faith that we all will discover our own compassion for ourselves and our sick family members, and that we will forgive ourselves and them. We will accept them. We will accept ourselves fully with peace and joy. It's already happening now in such small steps we can barely see it maybe.

I pray that my mother will find some peace and joy at some point...and if I don't see it happening for her, it's really not my fault, my responsibility, or even in a way, none of my business. I pray for my own reunion with the Divine Mother/God in my heart and that I am whole enough to make those around me smile with joy. It's a ways off but I am doing it bit by bit of awareness.
PS: meditation and prayer help so much too.
Hurray for us all!

Trying to catch up here.
Family secrets - I got so tired of putting up a front and keeping the family secret that all was well and we were a happy family. This also relates to communicating and not getting the response you hoped for. I have shared with several cousins, and it seems they just do not want to hear it. I got one snappy reply, one very delayed response which side stepped the issues but let me know they did not want to deal with it, and one non response, though this cousin had said more than once, we know you are going through a hard time with your mother. So batting zero there – very little family support. It is complicated by the sister who puts up a wonderful front when she wants to visit someone, and then, according to my nephew, goes home and bad mouths them all. My nephew is the only one who has been supportive – he knows his mother, and therefore understands his grandmother. I am happy for that support. I did once have some support from a relative in Norway who knows mother well, and also from a cousin in England when I laid things out after other sicced him on me. I think they are both dead now. Her siblings were supportive as they knew her, but they are all dead now.

I once found an excellent web page which had biblical bases for dealing with abusive parent. We are not required to put up with abuse. If fact we should protect ourselves from it.

Young adult days and phone calls and messages, and fears that I was doing heaven knows what. So embarrassing to come back to one’s room and find a bunch of messages to “Call your mother” pasted on the wall going up the stairs and then have people ask what the emergency was. “Nothing”. Mother always instinctively seemed to like the boyfriends who turned not to be good for me and disliked the ones who were good for me.

We have to learn to set boundaries, to not second guess or over think things (hard one for me). To readjust our self-images – too fat, not smart enough, too smart, not well dressed, can’t get along with people (because I would not put up with her sh*t) and so on. We need to unlearn the lies.

I have felt alone most of my life and that I had to deal with things by myself – which I did as a child. There was no help. I find it hard to accept help at times – but more feel I have to give it. Getting better at that.

Tirades - mother ranted on and one and on and on and seemed to gather energy from it. The rest of us would be wrung out and she was on a high. It was such cr*p.

Being two people - I always said that my mother and my sister did not know me. They constructed me to be who they needed me to be - the scapegoat, the black sheep, the fall guy. They even decided what kind of clothing and jewellery I could and could not wear, and what type of man I would end up with. I would figuratively shake my head in wonderment. They really do not know me -and I guess, don't want to. Their loss. I would say that my mother has a better idea of who I am than my sister has. I know they have talked about me behind my back ad nauseam and bad mouthed me. Whatever.


Yesterday was my birthday and, for the first time, I had no communication from my sis or my mother. It was awesome and liberating. YAY!!!!!! I am looking forward to a good year and one with more mental and emotional space. Oh, how I long for that. They “left me alone”!!! That they did on my birthday was the best gift. Loo, if you look at sites for children of parents with personality disorders and/or narcissism I think you will find it. We find ways of withdrawing from the abuse even as children.

I am slowly decreasing contact with mother. The crazy phone calls last year were awful and I cannot have that again. She does not have a private phone in hospital but will when she is moved to her new facility. If she is still on the meds, she will not call as often or at least not be as crazy. Once a week is enough. The staff can let me know if there is a problem.

Pats on the back for everyone for dealing with these nightmares and surviving intact.. The support here is great. Have a good day and do something good for you!

Mum would always clean like mad when she was angry! I remember getting a wet teatowel across the head if i was in the wrong place at the wrong time NOW at 77 and dementia she still does it! only now shes breaking dishes in the sink instead of washing them which makes her even more angry! then she slams doors and goes to bed! Ive learnt to just leave the kitchen now the kitchen can be a very dangerous place when someones not in a good mood too many objects to fling around!

Happy Thursday. Today I am working on breaking free of the chains that hold me back from my own happiness. Guilt, dread, worry, willing to please and anything else that could be a link to the chain. I have always been a people pleaser and mostly to my mom. That of course is from being trained to be obedient--I am so glad I read that and understand that part more. I do believe that is one tool that is helping me cut each link, slowly of course. Can't rush these things. I wish I could quit cold turkey and forget how hard it is, but with anything we must first acknowledge what is happening before we can understand how to change it. I do believe when we don't understand or comprehend something it is easier to judge, put it aside or be angry about it. I am no longer angry, just in a funk, a sad place trying to work my way back to smiling, happy, peaceful place again. It is funny how we think we wish things were better then something like this hits you like a ton of bricks and you realize things weren't so bad after all. Taking for granted all the happiness we once had--shame on me. Now I realize that I was relatively happy, loved life and once in a while my mom would suck me in her big black hole. Now, the hole is black all day long, all week long and I WANT OUT! Breaking the chains and learning to say NO is next on my list.

A little girl, a grown woman and mom sucked in by mom's negativity--check
Taking her abuse most of my life--check
Doing what she wanted instead of what I wanted all my young and adult life--check.
Moved mom three times--check
watched her decline- check
moved in with her to hopefully make things better--check
left my family to do this--check
watched her get better--check
tried to please her--check and not check because nothing I do will do that
Finally move her in to a facility for help and get somewhat of a break--check
visit her and call her each day--check
visit her less because of the negativity--check
realizing I cannot fix it--check
blogging about my experiences--check
trying to find peace through reading other's experiences--check

Next Steps:
Break free from most of the guilt
Do not let her bring me down because I cannot fix it
Realize not matter what I do, It will not matter
Visit less and less
Call on her less and less
Find a way to get my happiness back and my life and home back in order
Break the guilt, pit of dread

These are just a few things I have realized and checked off (much more but not enough space to write) and a few things I want to check off in the near future.

It amazes me how much we all have in common. I have said, "leave me alone" so many times out loud==but NOT to my mom. I say it when the phone rings and it's her or after I leave for a visit. I also want to say "go away, or shut up or WHO CARES", I have just felt terrible about feeling that way and now I know I am not the only one with these feelings. I think most of this comes from when I was a child and I wasn't allowed to have an opinion or say anything or she thought I was back talking. Do as I say, not as I do was her motto.

My mom did the same thing to me when I was in college, called me and always asked stupid quiestions about where I had been. She still ask me questions about where I go, what I do, and why don't I come earlier to visit. Never satisfied=that woman.

Emjo: hope you feel better soon.

I got really good at being "invisible" as an only child with a mother who was "Hellon Wheels". Man, when she was on a tirade, it was something. And she never ever ran out of steam. If she had routed that energy into working out or something productive, who knows what she could have accomplished.

Even now, at 77 she can still do it. Rage and rage and rage and rage. I finally got to the point in high school where I was just sick of it. Fed up. It didn't scare me. It bored me. I started mouthing back things l shut it down, like "how long is this going to go on? I have somewhere to be." Or "can you finish this some other time. I'm really bored listening to this. You've been at it for hours." I do not know where I found that kind of bravery. I must have been thinking what the heck do I have to lose? Oh gosh, what if she throws me out - whatever shall I do? A happy dance for one.

She would call me in college and stalk me by phone. In my first dorm, we only had one pay phone on the hall. Mom would call and call and call, interrogating who happened to answer on where I was, what I was doing, etc. Obnoxious! I transferred to a school farther away the 2nd year, and mom would call non-stop. She would fill up the answering machine and then start calling the dorm office. Then she would call her brother & sisters and my dad's brothers to hash it all out more. I must be out prostituting and selling drugs since I am not in the room. There couldn't possibly be any other choices.

I know now that was her OCD that set her anxiety off, which fueled her paranoia. When I did talk to her, I'd get the third degree and just emotionally eviscerated. Over & over & over. It was difficult for me and probably scary to my hall mates to see me having to listen to this shrieking voice on the other end. At some point I found my brave pants again.

So I started giving smart answers back - "yes mom. I am currently shagging the socks off the biggest darkest sailor I can find. And we're doing drugs off each others' bodies while listening to devil music. I may be carrying his child." She would get so worked up that I didn't take her obsession seriously. I would ask her why she was on the phone with me instead of finding some friends of her own and doing something interesting for once. I had a great time in college, but if my life had been half as wild as her imagination, I would have had a much better time, but I don't know when I would have had time for classes and assignments.

Leave Me Alone! Oh yes, that has been my mantra! Because of the tyranical Narc mother, I never knew how to be a good partner. In business it's hard for me to set boundaries. I feel taken advantage of often, not paid enough, etc. I love being alone. I feel free and the most productive. I love silence or to talk outloud to myself: have to restrain myself when in public. I hate being around people who talk non-stop and are demanding attention. I don't know I ever was a a good teacher, but I was, especially I was a hit with 5-9 year olds. Go figure.

If I go to to a beach or public place, I always head for the far end where there are few people. I can entertain a large crowd for my work but I prefer to be alone. I sure can understand where all these preferences come from! If you lived one day of our crazy family, you'd be that way too. Maybe you are?

Emjo--the Leave Me Alone phrase resonates with me very strongly. That was a great revelation you had--very helpful to me for sure. Hope your candida infection is cleared up--not any fun at all!

Hi Emjo and others with Narc and BPD mothers. I often feel like I am 2 people: the one that tried to please Mom and derived my identify from her demands and opinions, and the other person who is genuinely myself. I am slowly suffocating the first one and reviving the genuine self.

Emjo, I almost got a chill reading "leave me alone!" It was what I would ALWAYS say to my mother, from my earliest memories. Lol, and she never would...
Where did you find the info?

So many things I want to respond to on this thread the last few days - family secrets, lack of diagnoses for mental illness, second guessing, boundaries, , biblical bases for dealing with a narcissistic parent, communicating with others and getting no response or a hurtful one, feeling alone... for some. I have had a couple of days of brain fog with the candida infection, and am behind in answering. I will get to it, but probably not tonight.

I will throw another one in here. For years I have had this phrase in my head "LEAVE ME ALONE". Finally I looked it up on the internet several years ago and, lo and behold, it relates to children of people with personality disorders. I didn't find it so easily now, but it came out then when I needed it. I have a very deep need to be left alone, from the continual interference of my narcissistic/BPD mother. Anyone identify?

Looloo-you have a right to feel sad. You opened up and expected some warmth and understanding, but nada. I feel badly you feel so alone but I know what you mean. It is hard enough to go through all we do and then have a door feel like it is slammed in your face. On the other hand, maybe she will send you a note or surprise you later. No matter what, at least you have us! I have let myself be vulnerable in the past and sometimes I really really regretted it, but overall people are great. Don't let one crummy response (lack thereof) tarnish your faith. Others are out there who really do care and will be there for you. I am positive of that.

It is very sad. I am sorry sandwich you are dealing with this. You are also right about other's reactions to mental illness--dementia, depression, paranoia, or whatever the case. Looloo try not to be discouraged, some do not have the words to express what they are feeling. Let it sink in and maybe they will respond. It may not be/probably won't be what you would like to hear, but give it some time. They are probably as shocked as you are about the situation, or as sandwich stated, oh well--they may not give it a second thought. YOu did what you thought was the right thing and let that be it.--the right thing for you. I am the very same way when it comes to wanting to do the right thing and hoping everyone would have the same reactions as myself.--oh I am sorry or what can I do? Not everyone was raised by narcissistic parents that made them be obedient and made them think of other's feelings and second guess there own. But we totally understand all of it because we were trained to be the obedient child and to second guess our own thoughts and feelings.

Today my mom called once again with a list of items she wants from her mom's...those items are gone, of course. She tried to pull the woe is me, everything I want is gone, attitude. I told her straight out that she had first dibs and was asked every week if there was anything she wanted There is was, the awkward silence. That was my cue to say, I need to go back to work. I am going to take this time to say I don't really care that it is gone, she had her chance. With that said, I do realize her mind was not right to be able to make decisions about what she wanted. Now she is thinking about things in the house and wants them. For my own sake and the guilt I hold on to, I cannot worry about what is done.

My thoughts are with each of you tonight as you think of how tomorrow will go. Let's try to remember: Nothing we do will change the way it is.

looloo, sometimes people don't know how to respond to serious news, so they don't say anything at all. Those of us who've been in these situations know that there are no magic words, but any heartfelt words of love and support help. But I think people on the outside think they're supposed to say something profound or uplifting. I saw that in my own family - when we learned my husband had PD, some were right there with "hugs and love" or "well cr*p". These were the people who'd seem their share of rubbish. Others were silent or weeks late, and these were those who hadn't been thru the storms. Give her a little time - it may be that she's also been touched by a loved one with dementia and that hit that little tender spot.

Hope the diagnosis and meds help your mom (and help YOU with your mom as well), Sandwich. It's very sad. And we've got a lot to learn regarding how to 'handle' mentally ill people. Watching the news, I notice how harmless mentally ill people will slip through the cracks and not get help. And the ones who become violent -- to themselves and/or to others -- they also go undetected for many reasons.

Other people's responses to information is their problem, not yours. They can take it or leave it. Whatever, man! This kind of behavior is what keeps dementia, mental illness, domestic violence, discrimination, fear, hate, and injustice fueled up and red hot. This is why people keep secrets they shouldn't and don't get help they desperately need.

Found out mom has (had) schizophrenia with paranoia. That explains even more than bi-polar. They started Risperidone with her last night. She believes everyone is out to kill her. Thus the flip out when she saw EMTs coming to get the lady next door to her at the NH. She thought she was next and they were going to cart her off to kill her. She has verbalized this kind of thinking to me many times over the years. This is not new thinking. The dementia just keeps her from hiding her reaction to the thoughts now.

Probably 5+ years ago I made an anonymous call to the county APS to report a vulnerable adult. They were worthless, but she wouldn't let them in the door because they were going to cart her off and kill her. It took me on the phone, my uncle next door to her, and the Sheriff to get her to open that door and let the SW inside. I told her, you can open that door or they will open the door. But the door will be opened. You aren't helping yourself look very sane right now by hiding like a child. They know you're in there.

I think MORE people ought to be trained on what schizophrenia looks like and how to respond to it. Mom was never a drooling idiot. She wasn't picking at her poop in a corner of a room. It's not always like it looks on TV. She could get dressed and have a conversation. The dementia made her stop keeping secrets like the voices she hears and hallucinations she sees.

Her deepest fear was anybody finding out and taking her away for lobotomy and shock treatment. Because that is what they used to do in the past. She never could understand we have progressed past that and a good doctor plus the right meds can set you on a terrific path. Sad.

So, it's been two days since I informed this person about my mother's dementia (via facebook email). No response. I know it might be a bit early to expect any kind of response. But is it? She seemed like she was on fb throughout the day, most every day -- like most people I know. I don't expect any lengthy email back, or phone call. But I kind of feel a little self-conscious, like how you see embarassing moments in the movies where someone says something expecting SOME kind of response, and all you hear is the sound of crickets and bullfrogs.
I'm questionning my own sense of what I thought were lifelong ties. Even if we're hardly in touch anymore, I've known this person since she was born, and her parents and my parents were close enough that they were listed as guardians for each other, if something were to happen to us kids. I know people have falling outs, and drift, and I have no problem with that. I just am feeling a little like...if this person sends baby announcements the old-fashioned way, in the mail, to my mother and to me, then we are officially still in touch right? So, why not even a courtesy "i'm so sorry to hear..."? Sigh.... I guess I needed/hoped for/expected more, which is my mistake.
This is one of those times where I feel more alone for having reached out, then I would have felt if I'd just kept to myself. I feel that way a lot, actually. Kind of burned out on human interaction. Sorry for gloomy gus attitude today :(

Thanks Looloo. Yeah. I put on the Rhythm and Blues, remembered my fun day dancing. Willed those feelings back to my present. Took a shower. Made up and sang a blues song about my feelings about Mom and imagined the crap to go down the drain. Feeling renewed I switched to Aretha Franklin. RESPECT. Haleluyah.
Ready for Monday. An email appears from Mom. What? It reads like, like, an apology? I think that's what's underneath it and the words are almost there!
Ladies, get on board this boundary thing! It's a good thing. If the parent is not totally 100% sanity gone, there may be a few moments left of a thread of communication. Not much, but at 93, that's pretty good for her. Either way is ok with moi!

judda, Happy Monday! How's your aura doing? Better, I hope! Having your good sense of humor helps to diminish the stress and keep things in a good perspective. And you took as much control over things as possible, which is great. Waiting to call her back until you were ready, instructing her to call the experts to get information (rather than gripe to you), then getting off the phone, and going on with your day. Good for you!