Is it normal she's so negative?

Monday morning: a pleasant day: nice breakfast, listen to NPR, sunny day. Plan day. Phone rings. Darn forgot NOT to answer it . It's Mom with her demanding nervous, scratchy, annoying demands and voice. Oh and the nasty sarcasm: "Ah JUDY. Are UP yet? I ,........." me: "I am cooking breakfast." her with ultra sarcasm: "OH PARDON ME!" "I'll call you when I am finished with breakfast.'
me: try to calm down from anger at myself for getting the phone. Got peaceful after 20 minutes. An hour later, I call her back.
"Well, well, are you UP now?" I didn't say anything.
"Are you there?"
"That sounded sarcastistic to me. I am fine."
"I am not sarcastic," she laughs with her demonic phoney laugh. "That's YOUR interpretation. But OH I am USED to it."
"Yeah, I am too." I said. "Now what's your problem?"
she can't explain it except for interrupting me when I ask her things to find out more, and then finally she shouts at me, "OH your're getting me all upset!!"
"Why don't you call Comcast and ask them about your bill. I never had them or cable before and they know what you need to do. That's their job to explain it to you."
"OH, you never listen to me. Why don't you listen to me!"
She goes through exactly the same illogical stuff with double nasty sarcasm.
I repeat what I said with more calmness and firmness telling her to call them.
"I have to go to the bank. Why don't you call me later when YOU'RE in good mood!"
I laughed (genuinely). "I WAS in a great mood!"

Geezum, Mary, and ghosts of Rage! or age or something!
Yes. Now I will put on my music. Turn it up and shower her crap off of my holy aura!

Comments welcome! Thanks for giving me a place to vent. I feel ever so much better.

Today is Monday a rainy, dreaded day. Why, you ask? I go visit my mom today. Do hair, fix medicine box, and ? well, who knows what is next. I am so hopeful for a good visit. There will be many questions about the sale that took place this past weekend and some answers I will not want to give. For one, it will stir up a hornets nest and for two, my nerves just can't take it. Once again not wanting to fail her as the "good" daughter--that trained to be obedient little girl.

My hopes for today: A good, quick visit with no complaining and no negativity. Just a calm enjoyable visit.

I have told myself: She cannot hurt me anymore, I am in control of the situation and can leave at any time during the visit and I will not let her ruin the rest of my day.

Sandwich: I grew up Baptist too, but it was my grandmother who took me to church. If it hadn't been for her, I too would have turned out no telling how due to my mom's ways. My grandmother was the most loving, caring and unselfish woman I know. She kept me during the day while my parents worked and took me to church every time the doors opened. She showed me life was good until I had to go home. I thank God he put her in my life. My dad is so much like her. He left my mom 25 years ago and now I understand why. He just couldn't take it anymore. The torture she put him through. He was never good enough, did everything wrong, and was stupid in her eyes. No one was perfect like her. My mom didn't really go to church much, but her grandmother was old regular baptist which sounds like what you grew up in. Never cut your hair, only men wore pants, do not pierce your ears--she would say, "if God wanted those holes in your ears, He would have put them there." My great grandmother, my mom's grandmother, was the same way we were all going to h*ll. My mom was just more about being perfect in her own way, but she too was raised by "perfect" parents. No talking back, no voicing opinions, do as I say not as I do...then my mom raised me the same way. My dad's mom was my only relief. She showed me how to truly love people and not to judge and how a Christian should be. I miss her so much. She died at 84 15 years ago. My heart breaks with every thought of her, but I am so thankful I had her in my life. I am glad for you too that you had someone else to show you what life could be like. I thought for sure you just typed what I could have dictated.

LooLoo: My mom has been ill for 3 years and now looking back at least the past 5 or more years. I am just now starting to tell people. I haven't told anyone that she used to work with or anyone that she used to go to school with. I always just say she is doing ok when they ask about her. I avoid any questions when I can. I do it for the same reason that my mom would not want anyone to know because she always displayed this perfect life and pristine self and would be embarrassed. I just do it out of respect for her since she was always so private before and still is. When my mom doesn't know the difference, then I will share more with others, but for now, I only share here. I do totally understand where you are coming from. Slowly though it is good to start telling people, because that has helped with my stress too--not holding it all in.

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy Jeweltone.

I was reared in a super duper strict Southern Baptist environment. Home wasn't as strict as school and church, but mom & dad were no slouches. It was the no card playing, no drinking, no movies, no pants for girls, no divorce, no smiles, no fun, no enjoying anything about life at all people. Anything that seemed remotely enjoyable probably led to dancing.

It was brainwashing from all corners, 7 days a week. Obey, obey, obey, obey or go to h3ll and be roasted like a S'more. This totally sounded reasonable to everyone. That God would send children to hades for sassing and having independent thoughts. We were inculcated at every turn to not think for ourselves. Don't ask questions. Don't speak up. Do as you're told and don't think. Anybody who was being abused must have done *something* to deserve it. These were the same people who eventually went on to do the preaching that if you're not rich, God doesn't love you and you deserve to be poor. Sadists, every single one of them.

This triple whammy from Mom, the private school, and the church that ran it really did a number on me. I had zero self-esteem until I went away to college and got completely away from that thinking. Those people systematically dominated the girls that went through that place. Guys were off the hook. Girls were from original sin, evil, dirty, and not worth anything. It was really shocking, but this place was huge, powerful, and nobody was going to question them back then.

It has taken me decades, therapy, and a lot of personal work to get over that upbringing. If it weren't for my dad and several key people at a different church who were genuinely loving, truly kind, and who never demonized me for questions, thoughts, and opinions....I'd probably have done myself in before now. They were like a small oasis in a hurricane. They never said I was evil.

When I moved to a different state with no S.Baptists, it was like somebody opened a window and let in fresh air. People laughed, told jokes, wore normal clothes, and went normal places. Life is to be enjoyed, not endured.

If it hadn't been for a handful of normal moms that I got to know in late highschool, through their daughters, I would be so messed up. Those mothers showed me what it could be like. They showed me love, kindness, softness, and basic respect as a worthwhile person. Amazing!

Now that I know what my mother was struggling with, I wonder how many other of these mean, sadistic, pathetic people were also struggling with mental illness and using God & church to justify their actions.

Example: in mom's piano bench was old sheet music titled things like "Why Me", "Searching", "Make me Whole", and other things that I can sum up by saying "Life has to suck and then you die. There's probably more punishment after that". Those people have no idea what they're missing and I feel pity for them.

The website I put on was deleted-- it was a biblical look at being raised by a narcissistic parent. It discussed how they (the narcissistic parent) trains their children to be obedient. I couldn't believe my eyes. Even though I know I am obedient to my mom, I didn't think about it as though I was trained to be. Now, it makes so much sense why I/we are so willing to do what ever they want from us. They trained us do to so.--(this may not have happened by them knowing that is what they were doing, but their ways made it happen). Then it went on relating verses about honoring our parents can be done from a far. It doesn't mean we have to honor them doing everything they tell us to do. Respect is the main idea to the verse: "honor your father and mother". It was a really good read, but someone from AgingCare must have deleted it. It stated that honoring our parents meant to listen to their teachings which were based on the commandments of God. Not their own teachings of their narcissistic ways. It was interesting to me and helped me understand a bit more WHY I do what I do for my mom. Now I realize I was trained to do so. I am going to now find a way to train myself to get away from the teachings of a narcissistic parent and teach my own way to a more joyful, peaceful life.

Sorry if this is off topic-maybe it should be a separate post. Have you ever felt uneasy about notifying no longer close friends/family about a parent's health, or diagnosis? I just emailed a once close family friend (no drama, we just grew up and our families drifted) who I'm facebook friends with, and told her about my mother's dementia. She had mailed new baby announcements, and I get my mother's mail, so wanted to let her know I'd be forwarding it along.
I've gotten the impression over the years that her parents and my mother's relationship has soured--understandably. My mother has alienated many people with her rudeness, lack of interest in others, snobbishness, and so on. But I haven't told people about her dementia in some part because I believe she'd be embarrassed (and of course, she'd think I was trashing her to others).
Anyway, part of this journey is realizing how long I've kept up a facade for many reasons, and feeling like it's ok to let that go too. My mother won't know now, so it's ok, I think.

1952 -we cross posted - glad you are working on you and things getting better. I have the Karyl McBride book and it is helpful. Sometimes giving feedback helps- it is a form of a boundary.

Yes, other people in your life deserve attention too, and so do your yourself.

"I am entitled to have my own life and be happy. Why is that so danged hard?"

You ARE entitled. !t is hard because a narcissistic mother brings you up to serve her, and does not recognise that you have a right to your own life. They have very poor, if any, boundaries. We have to "unlearn" what we learned about our roles in childhood, and learn - teach ourselves - new ones, all the while being pressured by our narcissist to stay the way they brought us up. It isn't easy, but with work it can be done (((((hugs))))

jewel, the first time mother moved I got rid of some things to charity and took others to my house and still have to dispose of some. Mother changed her mind several times about what she wanted and didn't want. I was not going to play the game of musical chairs. She wanted me to bring a certain chair down to her (250 miles away) and take away another one. I knew if I started that it would never end, so I said no. She fussed about having a rocking chair so I bought her a new one and had the store deliver it. She wanted one painting and I was happy to give it back to her as I don't like it. That was it. I refused to make any more changes. It becomes a game and a way of getting attention and getting people to do things for them. I had already done enough by moving her, emptying out her old apartment etc. I have found that when I start feeling sorry for her, things don't go well. I tend to over extend myself. Good for you for not answering the phone any more and for not going to visit tomorrow. Focus on yourself and what you need.
I don't know if it is your conscience speaking to you or the guilt - which is a very different thing. Let your conscience be active in terms of looking after you too.

I read a C.S. Lewis quote today to the effect that the heart must listen to the mind.
"We tend to trust too much in our feelings, and allow our feelings to direct how we think. It should be exactly the opposite, that is, our mind should direct our feelings. Allowing our heart to direct our lives can lead to ruin."

Take care of you.

Hi everybody -- my mind is full to capacity too! Not good! Too much negativity and guilt stuck in there, and all of it is coated in raw fear. Gotta carve out some room for joy! Hard to do a lot of the time. Another rough day today where I had to restart my thinking over and over to remember I have wonderful people in my life who need my time and attention, plus time for just me! I am entitled to have my own life and be happy. Why is that so danged hard?

After helping her a bunch today, my mom told me she loves me and doesn't mean to say mean things--it is just because she has pain. I appreciate her saying this but it just doesn't cut it. Pain is awful, but being mean doesn't make it go away. I feel like she treats me like an old shoe or a worthless piece of junk so much of the time. Less now than I used to, though. I told her about the way I felt she treated me a couple of years ago and she was furious. It did help a bit though. I think she appreciates me more than she ever did before.

Which Blog are you referring to, Jeweltone? I never saw that information in your posting.

My website disappeared. We have ghosts...

As I stated yesterday, we had a sale at my grandmother's and was I ever right. My mom called me 5 times today remembering things she may want. Most of it was already gone and I was able to put back a couple things. I understand why this happens being the mind is not able to make decisions, but boy is it exhausting. When I saw her call, that dread was stabbing me hard. I feel so sorry for her then I get so upset with her. I finally quit answering the phone which by all means was so hard.

I have decided not to go see her tomorrow. I am glad I am able to stick with it, but it is still nagging at me. I am trying to pull back more and more, but my conscience tells me one thing and my mind tells me something else. Actually, my mind is full to capacity. I do not have anymore space left. That is one more thing I am working on--clearing out some space in my mind for more pleasure instead of all this dread and negative thoughts.

Hope all is well with everyone and I hope your weekend is going your way.

Not sure if you can get on this, but I just read this and WOW! This is a great blog, please read if you are interested.

"Osteen"

Pit of Dread...you said it! That is exactly was lies in my stomach on a daily basis. Especially today. Tomorrow we are having a sale at my grandmother's estate to try and get rid of some things. We have worked very hard over the past few months and I have encouraged my mom to tell me something she may want of my grandmother's. She lived there over a year and has said all along that she doesn't want anything...as I have stated before. Today, I called her, not really wanting to. I needed to remind her I wouldn't be there this weekend and once again ask if there was anything she wanted. Well, today she tells me something she wants and guess what? One of the other family members has it. YES, of all things and someone else has it. I played so dumb and told her I didn't know what she was speaking of. I kept playing the dumb girl and she told me to be sure to look for it tomorrow. Great day, people, it NEVER ends with her. Over and over it goes. That little girl in me once again wants to please here and after I get off the phone with her I drive to my grandmother's house and walk through each room at least 6 or more times looking for something I think my mom might like. I grabbed a few things and put them in a box--the good daughter as looloo states. That is me, always wanting to prove I am a good daughter. One more time I go out of my way living for my mom. It has to STOP! I want her to be happy, content, pleased, and hopeful. She is NONE of those and will never be. I realize this, but something in me won't allow me to believe it.

The dread today comes from knowing that tomorrow she will probably call me many times because she knows the sale is going on and she will be nervous knowing the things are being sold.--rightfully so. I know it is painful for her because she really hasn't been able to grieve. She was so ill and on hospice when my grandmother passed. Now, she is better and is having such a hard time. She barely remembers going to the funeral. The thing is, she has had ample time and we have asked her many times to go pick something out and the answer is always no. Now I know that each day after the sale will be another thorn in my side with her constantly wishing she had picked something out. Of course, she will not like anything I have picked out, but the good daughter says try again,

Hang in there girls...we can and will get through this.

"Galatians chapter six warns us not to grow weary in well doing. If we do, we might miss our due season of harvest." ~~Victoria Olsteen

Hi everyone. I've had an unventful week re-my mother, which has been WONDERFUL. I still have that somewhat apprehensive, "when is the next crisis coming" feeling, but am diligently working on letting go of that. It's such a reflex though! I haven't heard from my mother's helpful-but-overly anxious and involved neighbor for almost an entire week (no phone calls, no emails, yay!). It's been 2 weeks since I've spoken to my mother - that was when I called her to inform her AGAIN that she can't drive EVER, and that I would get rid of her car. I did that mainly to clear my conscience, do my due diligence, etc. I didn't expect that she would take it well, or even understand, or remember. And based on the feedback from her neighbor, a distant relative who happened to call that same day, and my brother who visited a few days after, she didn't take it well at all, didn't seem to understand or was in denial, AND had no clear memory of exactly what happened. She did badmouth me to everyone though. I read somewhere on a psychology forum that this is called "demonizing." So, she demonized me. Ok fine. It wasn't long ago (a month, maybe?) that I would become outraged at the injustice of it all. And I'd be nervous about other people's opinions of me. I'd be compelled to drop whatever else was going on in my life, and somehow PROVE myself to these people that I'm really a VERY GOOD DAUGHTER! Now though, the idea of that just exhausts me, lol. I can't muster up the energy! In fact, I now consider it a very handy excuse to not contact her. And I have no plans to call or visit any time soon. I've been getting more organized with communicating her needs to her home care assistants, and I've scheduled a dentist appt for her (home care will drive her). The idea of no longer dealing with her in person, of not trying to converse with her anymore, is just so lovely. But, we'll see how things go.
Over the last weekend, I was very stressed out over the situation with her neighbor. The phone calls, the emails, her panicky urgent tone about things that I truly am NOT concerned with. The last few days, I've gotten a little more confident and comfortable with my own decisions. I wasn't sure how to handle this person. I didn't like her level of involvement (my mother seems to be one of her 'projects') and especially her own anxiety (I really resent having to calm HER down all the time). I've also noticed an element of pure competition with her - as if she's racing me sometimes, to 'do' whatever it is for my mother. Her behavior would end up feeding my guilty feelings more, so that I felt less competent, and not as 'good' morally as she was. And that unspoken invitation to 'compete' right back at her? No THANK YOU.
Emjo, you said something about how unhealthy people tend to attract other unhealthy people, and that is so very true. That statement also made me reflect on my own patterns of getting sucked in, no matter who the person happens to be. I don't want to be another 'unhealthy' person attracting people who act this way! So, I've spent the past few days 'detaching' even more. Making personal plans, not feeling obligated to explain, notify, or involve anyone in my decisions. Now, if only I could detach from that pit of dread in my stomach, the next time I see her calling or emailing! Baby steps! :)

Hi Jazmine1--thank you for responding. You helped! You are right--the silly potato was just one of a gazillion things. Last night the potato event was just the last straw for me. But, today it am going to try to be positive knowing full well that things could go south in a hurry. I am excited you are going to check out that book. If you do, please let me know. It helped me again last night. This author NAILED IT. Hope you and everyone reading this has a really good day, or even just part of a good day. I think I like being referred to as just 1952!

1952, It seems other than those of us doing the caregiving, people forget that we have emotions, frustration, pain, and duties.I have found that some just feel
that we have some magic potion only available to us, and no one else. Well, don't we wish. We are the same, just with much more on our plates. I will look for the book you spoke of, thanks for that. The potatoe, is just one of a million things we deal with. Some would say ( so what, just one stop ), I would say, one of many stops, now and for a God knows how long! I am amazed at how much in common so many of us are, and have been dealing with. I am tired, and try so hard not to be upset, yet, oh yes, I am only human. Just as we all struggle we care, care and care some more. We pusg through each day, hoping that perhaps tomorrow will be better, never knowing, just hoping, like all humans.

I wish you well on your journey, and will hope that you are able to work things out, and can have your retirement well deserved, with some peace of mind and heart.

Jazmine1

Emjo--the "too much space in my head" thing is a great perspective. I get this overwhelmingly awful and anxious feeling when I am around my mother and have done something that makes her the least bit unhappy. Like tonight, she simply called me on the phone and asked me if I was out and about. I told her I wasn't but asked her what she needed. She didn't want to tell me, but good little girl that I am, I kept asking until I found out she was hungry and wanted a baked potato from Wendy's. I was so tired from work and a long week, but I got it for her. Then she was acting kind of depressed I think because she felt bad she asked me to go out of my way for her. But had I not gone, I think it would have been lots worse. This mother daughter connection is so amazingly strong and weird--great some days; incredibly unhealthy, draining, and damaging on others. My whole life I felt as though I had to say and do exactly the right thing. If I didn't, she would spell out for me exactly what I should have said or done. I always needed to make a good impression and be relatively perfect. Now that she is 87, I feel more obligated than ever to be perfect for her and it is robbing me of happiness. I am preparing to retire, and she will literally suck the life out of me if I don't fix things ASAP. I am so sick of feeling this anxiety. I am getting better, though. A little itty bit at a time, and you are all helping. Sandwich--that is just awful. We all have to, have to, have to take care of ourselves and not feel guilty about that. Your situation is just awful--you are harming yourself physically as well as emotionally.

I am always waiting for her to let me know she is pleased with me. At the age of almost 62, that is just plain pathetic. I feel like a puppy that waits forever to get patted on the head. I also get this guilt feeling when she reminds me (relatively often) that she feels she is going to die soon. ARGH!!! I want my head to be free for positive and healthy, happy thoughts.

I am going to go back and read this book--I am telling you--it has helped me so much: "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers," by Karyl McBride. If anyone else reads it, please let me know if you can relate to it as much as I do. It elucidated so much for me. At least I know I am not crazy and that I am not alone.

Although she is 87, she is quite capable of lots of things. She still drives, but is very unsteady on her feet. I have to find that balance of being there for her but not taking away her independence. I realize that I am pretty controlling in my own way. I feel for Jeweltone because her mom is just a little older than me and could cause many years of grief. Come on, girls--let's do this! We have to take charge of our own happiness. One step at a time. I feel better when I read your entries and when I write. Sorry if I am rambling. Know I am grateful for you all.

Wow, I just laughed out loud, Sandwich. The big black hole is a perfect analogy!! That is exactly what my mom is, the Bermuda triangle. I usually use the term energy vampire, but I am stealing the black hole that sucks everything in that gets too close. Love it!! She has definitely sucked me in for the past 46 years. I am hands up, eyes up reaching for the opening to get pulled back out. I feel I am closer than I was, but still a long way to go. I also say I will be glad when there isn't anything else left to be tied to her-- her bank account, her retirement, her stuff in storage and my grandmother's estate. I hate to see it go down the drain, but it is sucking me down with it. The constant "how much do I have left?" "What are you spending it on?" "I am not going to have anything left if I stay here." On and on. It makes me a nervous wreck to be responsible for something that wasn't mine in the first place. Could I use it? Would it help my family? YES, to all the above, but it is hers and she needs it for care giving and a place to live, because she is NOT coming here. I don't care how much money she has, it is NOT enough to pay me to put up with the nastiness everyday of my life. I already put up with it, but it is not in my face everyday and I want to keep it that way. When she is out of money, it will be do not pass go and go straight to "jail" aka nursing home. Then she will get $40 a month out of her social security and hopefully by then she won't know the difference.

I truly was hopeful we could build a home with the sale of hers and mine. I was going to have her own space and take care of her myself. I knew we could do it with her paying half of the bills--which would have been less than AL or NH. Now, I am SO glad I did not do it. I could still use a new home for my family, but not at my emotional health.

Emjo: You are so right about the space she takes up in my head. Way too much!! Just when I try to clear up some of that space, I think about needing or should I call her and other things that need to be done for just her--medicine, bills, bank account, AL fees, etc. I try to only deal with it once a month and I have somethings come out automatically.

Sandwich, I am also so sorry about your injuries and all you had to do during those injuries. The thing is if you hadn't moved her then, you may not have moved her at all. Catch 22. I pray each and everyday God will bring peace to my mind. He brought me peace 2 years ago when I didn't have to worry about her driving to my house out of the blue and giving me an attitude when I didn't deserve it. I know He will bring more peace. It is just the human part of me that is so impatient. I want it today. I don't want to feel guilty anymore for what is not my fault.

I start back to work full-time next week. I am trying to enjoy my days off this week cooking for my family, watering my flowers, and visiting here with each of you!

I stopped following the logic of "Mom needs ___, so I have to derail my plans to do ___ for her." I kick myself for having been on demand for all this time in the first place.

I broke my elbow 3 weeks before moving her, and there was not one word of concern from her. She sat on her butt and watched me pack and stack her house up with that injury. After getting her up here, I had some toe surgery. The day after - not even 24 hours after - there I was moving the same crap out of a storage locker into her apartment that came open, simply to expedite her exit out of our house. Of course my toe got infected and took extra long to heal, and will always look funny now. I have a permanent numb spot on the bottom of it from overdoing it too soon. My elbow will never be the same. I hurt my OTHER shoulder and neck doing all this, but again - not one whit of interest or sympathy or anything from her. She even said it was all my problem, not hers.

So. 2013 & the first quarter of 2014 brought the wind that blew out the FOG for me. I do what needs to be done and that's it. I stay out of the reach of her gravity because she is a sucking black hole that destroys everything that gets too close.

I walk out of visits less upset every time. Less annoyed by it. Less bothered. It has been very difficult to get to this point. Very difficult to just accept it will never come out even. Yes, she got away with 40+ years of abuse to me. Yes, she got away with everything she ever did to anybody. There will be no psychological satisfaction for me or anybody else over this, so I stopped pursuing it.

I will be glad when she has no more assets, no more cash, and the nursing home is collecting her social security & dad's retirement directly. That will make even less work for me to deal with.

Thanks for sharing about not being able to get things done and feeling overwhelmed. Often I am the same. I think we are overwhelmed. There is so much emotional baggage attached to what we are having to do and it robs us of energy. Our parent(s) occupy a big space in our heads - too big - and I am sure bigger than if they were "normal" parents. Part of the job of self care is to reduce the space they occupy in our heads, to think about them and their issues, and our issues with them, less. Work on reclaiming that space for something else you like about your life. It takes time and energy. It is good to be a caring person, but not to the extent that it harms you or hinders you from doing other things you want to do - from enjoying yourself.

That is where detaching comes in. It isn't easy, but it is our path to survival. It helps to get rid of the guilt, which is due to your parent's dysfunction, not yours. It doesn't belong to you. He/she planted it in you, and you can pull it up by the roots and get rid of it.

Jewel, you have come a long way. Not being able to please your mum is also a part of her dysfunction, not your abilities. Feeling worthless, being people pleasers, is all part of the way we have been brought up in our dysfunctional family. We do form part of our self image by the picture others reflect to us. In a normal setting that works well. In our families, where we experienced FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) we have to re educate ourselves about ourselves, and look to the feedback of others, and stop seeking that unattainable approval from those who cannot give it. It is not easy. I find myself remembering the small snippets of positive interaction with my mother and enjoying them and applying them to my "self-image bank" and kicking out the negative stuff.

Remember you don't HAVE to call her or visit her unless you decide to. Get rid of the FOG. (((((hugs))))

Helpful! So helpful...I come here each day and read. I may not have all the words to write each day, but I do read. This is almost my sanctuary of release. The place I can come and know I am NOT the only one who resents, despises, and feels so lost due to a crippling disease of the mind. Even though I can see the changes in my mom through my eyes, I still question so many things. She is so sharp in so many ways, but yet gets so confused over so many other things. That in itself confuses me.

My visit on Sunday with her and my daughter being my armor for the day wasn't too bad and has given me a bit of peace this week so far. I had to tell my mom of some things we have handled with my grandmother's estate and I was DREADING that with bold letters. Now that is over for the time being, I do feel better. I am trying to tell myself It is what it is and nothing more and nothing less. I do not have control over certain situations and this is just one more of them. She is too ill to handle everything so I am doing it in her place.--add that to my repertoire. She would be so overwhelmed and anxious. She has questions that I know she wouldn't have if she weren't sick. She keeps wanting to know why we don't split the money right now. She knows she can use it for care giving. We have tried to explain to her it can't be split until everything is settled. She thinks we are trying to cheat her.--one more round of guilt to carry. If she were well, she would understand this.

sweetpeas--I can so relate to being discouraged after a visit and coming home and pretending nothing needs to be done. I am like you, I will have a list of things I am going to do after I leave my mom--from cleaning to just sitting on my patio for relaxation. Neither of those things are accomplished because I am so overwhelmed I can't clean and I am so anxious I can't relax so I just sit or walk around the house looking lost as usual. Sometimes or most of the time I do get on here and just write my thoughts. It may seem like time wasted, but it is time well spent for me. I may not get anything I wanted finished, but I do feel I have accomplished something--release. The woe is me comes out of my mom EVERY single time I talk to her or I see her. If I call just to check in, she always says something to make me feel guilty because I have a life (her words) If I say, "I just got in from work, or I am going to cook dinner, or something about what I did or need to do", she will ALWAYS say, well, at least you have a life. UUGG! YES, she is right, I do have a life and why do I feel guilty about that? I want to enjoy my life without the guilt. My mom is young as I have stated and I know I have a long time with her to make me feel terrible about wanting to be happy so I know I need to find a way to get rid of the guilt and start living my life like I WANT to and NOT the way she thinks I should. I have been told this can go on for 20 years. Think TWENTY years. Good golly. I can't tell you how scary that is for me. Jazmine: I want to become heartless if that's what it means to walk away. I do not ever want to be a mean, hateful person but I do want to get some gumption about me to NOT care so much. I realize the way I am, caring and compassionate, is how I am, but I also am a pleaser. I want to please. There, I said it. I guess it measures my worth and NOT being able to please my mom makes me feel worthless.--Even though I don't really believe that statement, after I wrote the first part it only made sense to me. I do feel we measure our worth by what others think of us, especially our parents. We always look to them for approval. I still can't find approval from HER. I am trying less and less though, which makes me proud of myself. It wouldn't matter if I became president, she would find something wrong with how I was elected. HA!--not that I would ever want to be president. :-)

Today is peaceful and tomorrow is Wednesday--a day I usually call her being the middle of the week. I am looking forward to the days I do not have to call or visit. The days I can just smile and say, "what are we going to do today?" or LOOK: my house is cleaned and I have everything done so I can sit on the patio and enjoy the sunshine. Sounds so simple, you say, why don't you do that now? Well, I ask myself that same question on a daily basis. Her name is mom......

Juddabuddhoo what you wrote was beautifully written and made me feel better after another exhausting day with my mother. I get so irritated with her, impatient, and stressed every time I am with now. We used to love to go shopping together but now it is such a chore. She is so slow and can't make any decisions for herself. She tells me the same things over and over or gets obsessed over something and will whine over it. Today was I wish I could... Woe is me... I was very discouraged when I got home. I had things I wanted to do when I got home but instead I laid down on the couch and zoned out watching the t.v. Everyday I say I can't do this anymore. I liked what you wrote and I just wanted to tell you that it made me feel better after I stopped crying. Thank you for your wisdom.

This is so helpful to read, you guys. Our confusion and guilty feelings are like laundry that keeps needing washing. But as someone here once said, Would a "good" mother want you to feel so upset by their behaviors that YOU get sick and suffer anxiety attacks, and waste the life you have? No caring mother would really want that. But a sick mind full of anger, bitterness, regret and confusion can find revenge or a sick kind of pleasure in knowing she is inflicting some kind of pain on whatever joy or health you have left in your life. Carrying resentment and anger of my own in response to this is like getting her dis-ease!
Be Thoo Yogi of constant calm mind. Whew! No easy feat.
One has to denounce everything you learned since you were born. Can we replace "good daughter" notion with something else we can live with? How about
"I live my life the best I can. I evolving in my lessons of compassion. I take care of myself and am learning how to take care of others. I struggle with my own ego but I know I can transcend it with my inner spirit." Whatever you have to do or say to yourself to cut the old record of no boundaries, abuse, and unkindness dealt to you. Some day we will come out of this unscathed, and free. I am working for that day, every minute: trying all kinds of things.

Counseling, having time to myself, cooking a new thing, whatever!
Let's keep sharing what works to feel good about ourselves and how to help our parents without hurting ourselves. I do believe it can be done. I am only learning.

Jeweltone, I undertand the constant emotional rollercoaster. I feel for those who are able to just cut them selves off completely they are heartless. For those of
us who deal and deal wit this in the home, and out I have been told there is a special place for us in Heaven, which I choose to believe. I am glad your daughter went with you, just another person to even fill in some words you are tired of saying and listening to. Unless one has done this, knowing the day to day pain, frustration anger and tears is impossible. I have had pancic attacks, when it just gets to be too much.
My mom as well can be mean, she finds fault in so much, it does just wear me out. I still deal, clean and do everything until I just can not anymore. At the point I choose my life and health, I shall have to tranfer her to a memory faclity. I had her go in last year for one week, for some respite I much needed, I took someone with me, knowg I would feel so sad. I did, I just started to cry, I knew I would feel as if she felt she was being abandoned, and I was bad daughter.
I was lucky, she did well, and the place was new and nice. GUILT IS WHERE SO MANY FO US ARE LIVING WITH. Why, I have had some people ask, and I can not explain, or I start to cry.
You as well have a good week. Bless You, Jazmine1

Jewltone, that's exactly how your describe it -- the roller coaster of emotions, and the frustration of feeling guilty for doing the right thing. AND, I'll add, being powerless when the person who needs to accept/adjust/adapt the most, refuses to do so. Absolutely nothing you can do.
It is so exhausting. The only thing that helps me is distance. The less contact, the better. When I have enough time between contact with my mother (and now, her neighbor as well, yeesh), it's like finally get out of a rip current, feeling the water around me begin to calm down, and I can ride the waves back to shore again.

Jeweltone - We've all been on this bucking bronco ride. It's exhausting and nauseating. And you have nothing to show for the energy it took. Not even a tshirt.

I would ask the facility your mom is in to have a pastor or counselor to come talk to your mom. And a psychiatrist. Seriously. Having that outsider/third party person come do active listening and guided response (I won't call it correction) can really help. And if the talking doesn't work, then there are some really great meds in this day & age.

Change of any type - even something we would think is insignificant - to a demetia patient is monumental. They no longer have the reasoning skills to self soothe or put it in perspective. So, to some individuals, every change is the end of the world forever and they get stuck in that spot. Please know the behaviors you are seeing are not of your making or your responsibility. It's brain change.

Also be prepared that you are going to see more of this kind of thing. Just expect it. If it improves through time, counseling, or meds, then HOORAY. If not, you know what it's coming from. From a self-care standpoint for you, this is going to sound mean, but I don't intend it that way. To run this marathon, you're going to have to save your energy for things that matter. Your daughter, yourself. This means you have to make yourself stop spending so much emotional effort on mom because that is not a situation that will improve by your tears. It takes time to learn how to detach with love, but it can be done. Practice, practice, practice. It's a hurricane bunker in the raging storm.

All you can do is validate what she says/sympathize: No mom, this isn't how any of us thought it would turn out. I'm as surprised as you are.

I try to (pointlessly) turn the conversation with my mom: You look better than you have in 25 years. The diet you hate and this environment is clearly doing you some good. You could barely get out of bed and up & down out of a chair when you came up here, and now you can go like the dickens with your walker.
With my mom though, she is chronically embittered and has always purposefully sought the negative in life. She has never been capable of positive thinking. Doesn't stop me from trying though.

You can say things like: I wish I could make things like they used to be! I would if I could.

You can move her around the facility, to look at the pictures, down a hall, see what's over here, over there, etc. I think sitting still one on one with each other, is sometimes a recipe for a terrible visit.

My mom mourns a reality she never had. She misses her house, which was a pile of cr_p. She never took care of it, it had holes in the siding, the roof leaked, there were critters, the well water was so sulphurous it corroded the water heater, the dishwasher, the sinks, the toilet, & shower stall. It was flithy, smelly, dark, and dirty. She misses a house that existed 15 years or more ago, that was new, bright, and clean right when she moved in. (It didn't stay that way long though). She misses being able to do things she never would do when she could. She refused - quite angrily - any invitations with church or the senior group to go on trips or see sights. She hated visitors. She stayed on self-imposed house arrest for almost 2 decades, eventually turned into a real shut-in, and is now complaining about how nobody takes her anywhere and she's stuck in prison. Whatever mom. Complaining is her native form of communication.

Guilt is pointless. You are doing all the right things for your mom and you have nothing to feel guilty for. You are going to have to train yourself not to let those toxic thoughts of regret, remorse, grief over lost opportunity, etc to rob you of your resilience and joy. It is work though, but it's absolutely imperative.
Choose happiness. It will take you far and it isn't forbidden.

Good morning on Monday. I did go visit my mom yesterday and my daughter went with me. It does help for someone else to be there. When we first arrived, she cried as usual after she greeted us. She started on "am I going to have to live here all my life?", there are no young people here", "this is an old folks home."I hate it here", on and on while she was sobbing. There was that awkward silence. No one knows what to say. We listened and my daughter told her we didn't want her to be alone He response is always, "I am alone here, no one checks on me, blah blah". To her defense, she is 68 and everyone else is between the ages of 82 and 93. One of the ladies has alzheimers and can't remember much at all. She has trouble having conversation, but that is one lady. The other ladies are good in their mind just older than my mom. I do understand how she must feel, but I do also understand my mom cannot be alone anymore. What to do? It is an everlasting question in my mind. I know it is best, but I feel so guilty because I realize she is so young.

When we arrived on of the staff was leaving. She told us my mom hadn't had any lunch and they tried 3 times to get her to eat. My daughter told my mom she was hungry and my mom refused any lunch. We both order something after I did her hair hoping she would eat. She did sit out in the community living space with us while we ate, but didn't take a bite of anything. Which after what we have been through--her getting down to 79 pounds last summer, one meal isn't going to hurt her. She is doing so much better than last year so she thinks she can do it on her own again. I keep telling myself, NO she can't. If I let her go back, she will go down hill again. Yes, the money is going fast and she knows this. That also makes her nervous...--and me too. Why is it so hard when you know you are doing the right thing? That should just be a good feeling, not a guilty feeling.

I am having so many mixed emotions. I know it sucks for her. I know it must be terrible knowing you can't drive, you can't get out on your own, you can't go shopping and make decisions, you have to chose from the menu what you are going to eat, afraid of the shower, smother when you get your hair washed, can't understand what has happened to you, go from a 2500 sq ft home to a one bedroom apartment and all your belongings in storage...the list goes on and on. I TOTALLY get all of it, but we live in the here and now. This is now and what has happened we have no control over. She regrets selling her home everyday and she thinks if she didn't sell her home she wouldn't be sick. How do you explain to them that's why they sold their home, because they were sick? I have but she doesn't believe it. I do feel sorry for her even though she pokes and jabs, but I cannot change the situation.

Overall, the visit went much better than the prior ones and today my heart hurts for her. The emotions are just too much, one day I am so nervous I can't breathe, one day I am so angry I could bite nails, one minute I am so full of dread I could choke on it, and today I am somber with sorry. Keeping up with the emotions are exhausting. I must go to work now. I am going to get ready and put my smile on for the world. Have a great week.

Thank you. I thought that was funny too. I remember before my mom became ill, we would go shopping or out to eat and people would ask if we were sisters. Well, I didn't know what to think of that. Either she looked really young or I looked really old. Haha. I would like to think she looked really young.

Update: I called her this morning with much dread. She told me she wasn't feeling well and she didn't feel like getting up. I told her I would check on her tomorrow...there was that awkward silence. She had a grumble in her voice when she said ok. So, on once again, I gave in and told her I would call her later and come tomorrow. She said ok. Manipulation at it's best. After reading the above, I keep telling myself this is just a circumstance that I can take control of. It seems to constantly control me. I also agree with how we always look to them for approval. Approval that we are doing everything for them just right. I like the quote, "A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.” . That is so true. I approve what I am doing and I know that I have done everything in my ability to change the way she feels. I have moved her three times. I have shopped for her over and over without success (except for pajamas), I have smiled when I felt like crying, I have fixed hair, traveled in the snow, taken her to doctors after doctors trying to find the problem and a solution, it goes on and on. She will NEVER find it in her soul to show me approval. She never has and never will. That part of her hasn't changed and I don't believe it will.

Even though I do not have to go today, I still have a dread in the pit of my stomach. My daughter was and may tomorrow, go with me. I told her it would help me if she did. My mom gets upset because the kids don't come (she makes them very nervous), but when they do come, she gets upset too. So, there, it doesn't matter what we do, it is all the same. I need to be reminded of that myself.

Note to self: It doesn't matter, either way, will be the same outcome. They will be miserable without us or with us.

Jeweltone--thinking of you today. I love this post you added and hope today goes AOK. P.S. I must be getting old because people are telling me how young I look! :-)

I just read some quotes of Mark Twain, this is an interesting read and I wanted to share. I copied and pasted so hope it is legible. It applies to our daily lives as care givers too. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

t’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.”

“Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”

“When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.”

You may know Mark Twain for some of his very popular books like Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. He was a writer and also a humorist, satirist and lecturer.

Twain is known for his many – and often funny – quotes. Here are a few of my favourite tips from him.

1. Approve of yourself.

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

If you don’t approve of yourself, of your behaviour and actions then you’ll probably walk around most of the day with a sort of uncomfortable feeling. If you, on the other hand, approve of yourself then you tend to become relaxed and gain inner freedom to do more of what you really want.

This can, in a related way, be a big obstacle in personal growth. You may have all the right tools to grow in some way but you feel an inner resistance. You can’t get there.

What you may be bumping into there are success barriers. You are putting up barriers in your own mind of what you may or may not deserve. Or barriers that tell you what you are capable of. They might tell you that you aren’t really that kind of person that could this thing that you’re attempting.

Or if you make some headway in the direction you want to go you may start to sabotage for yourself. To keep yourself in a place that is familiar for you.

So you need give yourself approval and allow yourself to be who you want to be. Not look for the approval from others. But from yourself. To dissolve that inner barrier or let go of that self-sabotaging tendency. This is no easy task and it can take time.

2. Your limitations may just be in your mind.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

So many limitations are mostly in our minds. We may for instance think that people will disapprove because we are too tall, too old or balding. But these things mostly matter when you think they matter. Because you become self-conscious and worried about what people may think.

And people pick up on that and may react in negative ways. Or you may interpret anything they do as a negative reaction because you are so fearful of a bad reaction and so focused inward on yourself.

If you, on the other hand, don’t mind then people tend to not mind that much either. And if you don’t mind then you won’t let that part of yourself become a self-imposed roadblock in your life.

It is, for instance, seldom too late to do what you want to do.

3. Lighten up and have some fun.

“Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.”

“Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”

Humor and laughter are amazing tools. They can turn any serious situation into something to laugh about. They can lighten the mood just about anywhere.

And a lighter mood is often a better space to work in because now your body and mind isn’t filled to the brim with negative emotions. When you are more light-hearted and relaxed then the solution to a situation is often easier to both come up with and implement. Have a look at Lighten Up! for more on this topic.

4. Let go of anger.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”

Anger is most of the time pretty pointless. It can cause situations to get out of hand. And from a selfish perspective it often more hurtful for the one being angry then the person s/he’s angry at.

So even if you feel angry at someone for days recognize that you are mostly just hurting yourself. The other person may not even be aware that you are angry at him or her. So either talking to the person and resolving the conflict or letting go of anger as quickly as possible are pretty good tips to make your life more pleasurable.

5. Release yourself from entitlement.

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

When you are young your mom and dad may give a lot of things. As you grow older you may have a sort of entitlement. You may feel like the world should just give you what you want or that it owes you something.

This belief can cause a lot of anger and frustration in your life. Because the world may not give you what expect it to. On the other hand, this can be liberating too. You realize that it is up to you to shape your own life and for you to work towards what you want. You are not a kid anymore, waiting for your parents or the world to give you something.

You are in the driver’s seat now. And you can go pretty much wherever you want.

6. If you’re taking a different path, prepare for reactions.

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.”

I think this has quite a bit of relevance to self-improvement.

If you start to change or do something different than you usually do then people may react in different ways. Some may be happy for you. Some may be indifferent. Some may be puzzled or react in negative and discouraging ways.

Much of these reactions are probably not so much about you but about the person who said it and his/her life. How they feel about themselves is coming through in the words they use and judgements they make.

And that’s OK. I think it’s pretty likely that they won’t react as negatively as you may imagine. Or they will probably at least go back to focusing on their own challenges pretty soon.

So what other people may say and think and letting that hold you back is probably just fantasy and barrier you build in your mind.

You may find that when you finally cross that inner threshold you created then people around you may not shun you or go chasing after you with pitchforks. They might just go: “OK”.

7. Keep your focus steadily on what you want.

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.”

What you focus your mind on greatly determines how things play out. You can focus on your problems and dwell in suffering and a victim mentality. Or you can focus on the positive in situation, what you can learn from that situation or just focus your mind on something entirely else.

It may be “normal” to dwell on problems and swim around in a sea of negativity. But that is a choice. And a thought habit. You may reflexively start to dwell on problems instead of refocusing your mind on something more useful. But you can also start to build a habit of learning to gain more and more control of where you put your focus.

8. Don’t focus so much on making yourself feel good.

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

This may be a bit of a counter-intuitive tip. But as I wrote yesterday, one of the best ways to feel good about yourself is to make someone else feel good or to help them in some way.

This is a great way to look at things to create an upward spiral of positivity and exchange of value between people. You help someone and both of you feel good. The person you helped feels inclined to give you a hand later on since people tend to want to reciprocate. And so the both of you are feeling good and helping each other.

Those positive feelings are contagious to other people and so you may end up making them feel good too. And the help you received from your friend may inspire you to go and help another friend. And so the upward spiral grows and continues.

9. Do what you want to do.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Awesome quote. And I really don’t have much to add to that one. Well, maybe to write it down and keep it as a daily reminder – on your fridge or bathroom door – of what you can actually do with your life.