Is it normal she's so negative?

Thanks for the warm welcomes. I hope your visit goes well tommorrow jeweltone and I think what I've tried lately is to just change the subject when there is a negative remark as best you can. My hubby reported tonights visit didn't go so well and my mom seemed to be suffering from a cold or allergies as the pollen is really bad here now. When he got to the dining room (she does sit with a regular group of ladies) - she had a runny nose, looked tired and wasn't eating much. One of the ladies said she doesn't eat very well at other times too but mom has never been a great eater. She was eating horrible in her home and diet consisted of high fat microwavable foods so the food she is getting now has to be better. He took her upstairs and talked with staff, nurse called her doctor and they got her some tylenol and also something for allergies and put her to bed. My hubby said she asked where I was and he told her I was picking up boys from camp. Now the guilt is setting in and I hope she gets to feeling better soon....I just can't imagine what it will be like in the winter with all the germs that go around??

Capitalgirl: Glad you could join us and I am so glad it is helpful. This has been so helpful for me. I get a little off track sometimes, but for the most part I am learning to push forward. Our mothers don't have anyone else to blame this on but us. The person who does the most for them. We are there punching bag per say. I get pretty bruised up sometimes and want to deflate, but I know I am not to blame. It is not our fault they are ill and that we can NOT make them happy.

It is an adjustment period for them as it would be for any of us. My mom is in a new, very nice place, but she calls it a prison. She even refers to her apartment as cell block #_ _ _. Ha ha, yes, she does. It gets so annoying. When we go for a walk in the building or go sit on the patio and it is time to go back, she will say "well, there is cell block #_____. I want to just scream. I don't say anything. I just smile. Now, she has everyone saying it at the AL and they all think it is funny, but they don't realize that she is being mean about it. Of, course, they are not emotionally attached to the situation as we are. That emotional attachment is so hard to detach. I pray one day I will be able to look at her as just some lady who needs help and I am wiling to help her. For now, it is my bitter, hateful, ungrateful mother that I wish was different. I wish I had a magic wand and could make her start forgetting everything already. I would be okay if she would forget me, that would be one less burden to carry. I wouldn't have to feel guilty for not wanting to go visit because she wouldn't know me anyway. The sad part is the doctor told me she may never get to that point being it is frontal lobe.

I called her today and told her I would be up tomorrow..boo! I do NOT want to go, but I now it is the right thing to do. I have already been planning how I can get out of conversation with her and how I can plan my escape quickly. My stomach is a burning mess and the knots are choking me. My husband said he was so glad it was Friday and all I could do was look at him in anguish. Haha.

My wish for tomorrow would be I could go in and she would be so happy to see me and be so grateful I even came. Praising me for the way I do her hair and telling me she can't wait for me to come back. ((Pinch)) OUCH!! I just woke up... Too good to be true as "they" say.

Capitalgirl - welcome! This really is life changing. My mother is sweet as peach pie to my husband. He's the good one ya know. Me, I'm the world's oldest rebellious teenager who is out to take all her money & precious things (HA!) In about 4 months there will be zero money. Her chest of "precious jewelry" she guarded under her bed, wrapped in blankets, in another box turned out to be regular department store costume jewelry.

The fact your mom is in activities is a very positive sign. You can take her complaints with a grain of salt knowing it's really not a Soviet-era prison you put her in. ;-) I was told to space out my visits so my mom would have time to adjust, which is counterintuitive to what most people think is proper. It takes older people a lot longer to adjust to change, and if there is dementia it takes a lot longer than that, and it may never happen.

There are some great articles in the section of this site called Caregiver Burnout, on how to deal with chronic negativity and bad behavior from seniors. Fore-warned is fore-armed I say!

This thread is so valuable and it really helps to read everyone's comments. My mom has been in AL for about 2 1/2 weeks now; she went straight from hospital in NC (where she was for 2 weeks) to rehab where we live (Maryland) to AL. She was happy to go somewhere different with more actitivites as rehab really only focuses on therapy here. But now I've noticed the past week or so when I visit..she is starting to become more negative when I am there. She will make comments like - "how long am I staying here?" "This isn't permanent." Well - she can no longer stay in her home alone which is where she was before...walking with a walker; have home health agency come in on a limited basis to check on her...she has some dementia (mostly short term memory so far) and needs help with medications. But since she got sick - she got hit with a bad UTI; found out she had septsis while in hospital and then also got pneumonia while in hospital. Rehab helped some but she is mostly in wheelchair now and incontinent and really has to stay in AL as both me and my husband work and we have two small kids (ages 4 and 6). This has been life changing for all of us...and I do read and hear that it takes folks in AL awhile to adjust. I just have to figure out a way to respond to her when she does get negative...I find myself lately - the past few days having my husband stop by to visit and check on her. Which then makes me feel guilty for not going myself. And its funny with him, she doesn't have anything negative to say at all and there was a time or two when he got there-- he observed her with other residents doing an activity and he said she was very happy. This is a really nice AL -- as I've really spent time checking places out ahead of time. The people who work there and the food and activities are great. She also has been going to church (which they take her) the past two weeks...which she hasn't done in year. So I guess maybe it just takes time for both her and me to adjust?

Thank you! I feel weak most of the time. I am usually not a whiner but I know it sounds like it lately. School started today and I am trying to figure out a new schedule for my mom. I really do not want to go this weekend. I may go Saturday instead of Sunday to have time to wind down before the new week starts. Njny I am glad your visit went better than expected. Those days are few and far between , I know, but take them when they come.

I always dread the conversation that is awaiting me when I go see her. I wish so much I could go and talk about the weather, the birds, the flowers, the beach, or anything peaceful, but no, not with her. Sometimes I feel I set myself up to feel bad before I even go. I need a chant... Ha!

I know I am NOT calling her until tomorrow or Saturday morning before I go. One more night of silence and I am going to enjoy it.

Jeweltone--your backbone is not weak. You just need to grow a "tough bone!" I also think my backbone is weak, but it is just that as only children we feel that responsibility and even desire to help things go well, even in the face of ridiculous odds. Loo loo-if you can turn over her care, think of the possibilities for yourself. But, time will tell if you can do it. Some people do--I daydream about that sometimes, but my guilt comes in and grabs me by the gut and I am then clearly doomed. I did not have this kind of anxiety (well maybe once when I was worried about my daughter), except for the ineffective efforts to please mom. My anxiety is quite high and sometimes my blood pressure zings up like a firework. Other times, I can take things in stride. You know, I saw my mom today, and she was delightful. It is so awesome when that happens EXCEPT then I start to believe that things are not as bad as I thought and then I get a zinger in a day or two that sends me back to Anxiety Village. We need an action plan! I love this dialog. I swear it is helping to save me.

Well, it could be just wishful thinking, Jewel! Every day as you know, brings a new set of circumstances, so we'll see. The word that came to mind as I was thinking about no contact was " ineffective." I mean that I am simply ineffective when I have to deal w/her personally, and i really hate being ineffective. If I know that I'm doing a good job looking after her from a distance, then I will have peace of mind. But we'll see.

Looloo, let me know how it goes. I am interested to see how you decide to go about this..just cold turkey or slowly venture away. I want to so bad, but being an only child, I feel I am solely responsible and can't just walk away. We shall see.

I think if we all had the courage to do what we really want, we wouldn't be here looking for a back bone. My back bone is so weak. Just when I feel it getting stronger, she breaks it down one more time, even without her even being around.

I think you are very brave for taking a stand for yourself. Someone must go first, so I will wait in line. Ha! Good luck and let us know how it is going. We will encourage you all the way.

I have done so much reading on narcissism, and the recent events I've been dealing with made me think of two terms that I read quite a bit about, but I didn't exactly identify with them until today. "Triangulation" and "Demonization". Triangulation is when the narc will pull people in, communicate with them about you, generally not honestly speak with the person they're having an issue with. So everything gets misconstrued, the narc's version is the first one put out there, so it's rarely, if ever, disputed, and every situation and every person just revolves around the narc, in a crazy vortex of drama and dysfunction.
And "demonization" is what it sounds like -- badmouthing people to other people, making them out to be the villain, while the narc is the victim.
I had seen my mother do this throughout my life, but she wasn't usually over the top about it. She was consistent, but it flew under my radar pretty much.
Now, however -- OMG. Since Friday, I've spoken/emailed with 3 different parties (my cousin across the country last week, my brother yesterday, and a home care worker this morning), and she's cranked up this behavior so much that I'm taking what might be a permanent 'time out' -- I am definitely considering no more contact, just caregiving oversight and contact with her doctors, neighbors, daily money and household management, and so on. It felt a little uneasy for about a day, and now I find myself daydreaming about how lovely it will be to know that I can provide what she needs, and never have to be around her again. Honestly, I'm hoping for that.

The schedule as njny is speaking of was also broken again this morning for me. After yesterdays phone conversation with my mom, I haven't been able to rest. As I have said before we are trying to work on getting my grandmother's estate settled. My mom thinks we are trying to cheat her since she is unable to help out now that she is ill. She doesn't understand this is all new to us too. My mom was always the controller, the wisdom holder and the one we all went to for suggestions. Now she is ill, she thinks she can still be that person but the only thing she has now is the control. That is exhausting thinking about how she thinks we are going to cheat her and she tells us she doesn't want any of the things only the money. With that said, knowing we are going to try to have a sale soon, she is calling wanting things. I woke in a panic this morning. I mean anxiety stricken to the point it took me from 8:45 a to about 11 a to calm down. I could just hear her words ringing in my head. "you act like I don't exist, each of you are doing everything and not including me" before you judge let me tell you we have. We have offered for her to go to the home and give suggestions, to pick out what she wants and every week I ask her if there is anything I can bring her from my grandmother's. Also, she lived there for a year before AL and still said there wasn't anything she wanted. So who is cheating who? I feel cheated everyday by her words taking away my sanity and peace. I will be so glad when everything is settled and that will be one less guilt stricken activity to deal with. Then I just know she will start wishing she had some things from her mom--(I did put back a few things that I know meant something to my mom just in case) I am always worrying about the next saga, when I wish I could just deal with it as it comes.

I have had a few decent weeks of doing what I have wanted to do, even though the guilt would peak through, but these past few days have derailed my train. I am slowly climbing back on the tracks and getting my son ready for school to start. I am NOT going to call her until Friday. I have decided she is NOT going to win. If she/they only realized the power struggled they set before us, then maybe they wouldn't be so harsh. This is just that narcissistic demon that won't let go. They are not happy until everyone around them is as unhappy as they are. She thinks I am out in the world living a happy and glorious life (I used to) and now she has no idea that while she is engaged in Bible study, hanging out on the patio with the ladies, I am home having an anxiety attack. Never and I mean NEVER have I had an anxiety attack until I have had to start taking care of her. It was more panic about what she thinks and what she says than anything. I have always been relatively happy in my life. Loved being with friends, family and relaxing. I want that back. I will tell you that this is just a little set back and when this train gets rolling again, I will work harder getting up that hill. "i think I can, I think I can" will change to "I know I can, I know I can".

No pity desired for today, just a moment of release. Thanks all for tuning in.

njny What ive learnt to do as i have a very spiritual friend and it does work is say positive affirmations every morning while i brush my teeth!! I am grateful for my health (welll so far so good) my mum is still ok not much memory loss, my lovely cat i love him to bits, i have food a roof over my head its hard but it works! I saw a young man today his face was badly scarred and i thought what the h*ll am i complaining about it could be worse? i know then you go back into her negative energy and its all in a days work! LOL

I am inspird by the boundaries everyone is trying to set. Sometimes, though, it is so hard to stick to them. Then once you get a routine, something like an unexpected call, such as Jeweltone received, can throw you off your game. I get physical symptoms when something goes awry. My stomach seems to hit the floor and I am sure my blood pressure goes up. I have written all kinds of guidelines for myself and I am forcing myself to read them daily. It is helping, and so are all of you!

I was hoping for a day off. I took my kids shopping for school and we were having a great time. My phone rang and I thought it was my son checking in and oh my, it was my mother...she NEVER calls or should I say much. Of all the days for her to call me. I am over an hour away and trying to enjoy a day with my family. (something few and far between). I told the truth and told her where we were. She had questions about my grandmother's estate. There she goes again, putting me in such an awkward position. I hate her questions. Understand this, she doesn't ask questions just to get answers and be okay with it, she asked questions to have ammunition for later. NO answer is the right answer when it comes to her. No matter what I say, it gets me in trouble. It almost ruined my day, ALMOST, key word. I was upset and just so disappointed that she called and I reminded myself, she cannot bring you/me down. She wasn't really negative but just the motive behind her questions makes it hard. It took about 30 minutes and I slowly got over it. I kept going and enjoying my day. I did have to come home and deal with some things for her, as usual, but now I am putting it here and getting it off my mind.

The answers to your questions and ideas-- First, the ideas are GREAT! I wish they worked. We have tried everything to distract her. Her mind goes and goes all the time. She refuses to do any type of anything. She USED to love to crochet, knit, quilt, make crafts, etc.,,and was very good at it. She has lost interest and I do believe the ability to do it. She never liked puzzles or anything of that sort. I did notice a word search in her room and the staff got it for her. She hasn't done the first page. She only complained it was in her room. She did ask for her Bible which did surprise me. They are starting to have devotional and she is getting interested in that. She is starting to participate in more at the AL. I know she does better when I am not there, which helps, but when I am there or when she talks to me she says everything is just awful. She wants my pity and likes it when I feel guilty.

When I try to talk about my family or things going on, she always goes back to herself. She is usually the one changing the subject. We have also tried so many antidepressants and none of them have worked. Actually some have made her worse. The doctor decided to stop them. Her memory isn't too bad except for some short term. It is mostly her inability to make decisions, reason, and take care of herself. --Frontal Lobe. She now thinks she can live by herself. This is only because she is doing better at the AL, even though she doesn't think so. I know in my heart if I let her move, she will go down hill once again. I know this is best for her and no matter how bad she makes me feel about it, I have to keep her there.

Jazmine: You are so right. You will not be happy when it comes to putting your mom in memory care and neither will she. You will be able to get at least a day or two rest. Even though my mom and our situation is on my mind every single day and sometimes every single minute, I am still able to pull back. I used to go visit and help her everyday and sometimes stay with her on the weekends and during the week. I am still working hard myself to rid the guilt and get back to my life. It has only been 4 months since my mom is in AL and I am just now able to pull back and know I don't have to call and check on her everyday because there are people there to do it. They are a group of wonderful staff. They have taken good care of my mom and do everything they can to make her happy just like I tried. Of course, she does do a bit more for them than me. Good luck with what you choose. I feel your pain on so many levels.

Yes LOW bloods are dangerous not just for my mum being diabetic but for my own sanity! was busy talking to a friend on the phone earlier( i know shame on me) maybe five minutes when this angry head appeared and DEMANDED her dinner yes even did a little dance like a tantrum toddler! My friend heard her and said "OMG" i didnt think it was that bad, you poor thing! shes bringing me out to dinner on Friday in sympathy! Her mum she nursed until the end with cancer but was glad her mum didnt get dementia she knows a bit about it but i think she really had her eyes open today! mum was always so sweet to my friends so i suppose she got a shock!!
YEP make sure they have a HUGE PROTEIN before you attempt to visit!!!!!

sandwich, timing IS everything. We find that if we call Mom after dinner but before she is in her room for the night, she's much more pleasant to chat with. And if the convo goes badly, it's not right on top of us trying to settle down for sleep.

I will NOT visit my mother after noon. Her sundowning starts really early, and I will not be present for that. There's no reason for me to be there and get a truckload of abuse. Timing is everything in having a neutral-as-possible visit.

There's that small magic window of time where the meds have kicked in, the blood sugar is good after eating, and she might - maybe - be just argumentative instead of abusive. If I get there and see she hasn't eaten her tray and is still in bed, in PJs, I am out of there in under 10 minutes because I know what's to come if I stay.

Dementia patients do get typically angry and resentful, I could imagine the fact that your family makes everything you do even more magnified to her. One small problem can seem like an argument worthy issue when in reality its not. find out what times she does this, my client gets like that around noon to four pm. If you find out the times its best to visit other times. Also her medication may need adjusting. Try not to argue with her just be silent or change the subject usually that keeps them calmer. What are the things she loves, or really enjoys? hobbies? what does she like talking about? focus on that and encourage her to talk about that. However it is expected with dementia for her to be irritable, the shifting of conversation can distract her and get her in a good mood for both of you. Keep her busy busy busy, have her clean make the bed so she wont get a chance to say anything argumentative. she will feel as though she is contributing to something great. Connect four , the game is good for people with dementia, easy enough and entertaining. Puzzles that are small can really keep her going and calm if she is the type to do puzzles. The key is to keep her mind going but in the right direction, positive rather than her nagging about things.

Jeweltone, I have felt for a long time that the word, Dementia, Alzheimer's, and aging should be tied in with the word GUILT. There are so many that do nothing, some that do little and of course expect the most attention, and those of us that have taken on so very much, that we just are tired and sad. I am responding to your last post. I get it my dear. The sad reality is no matter how much we do as their memory goes away, so do the angry moments, the " you do not care or get it, and my mom's new word I am a b*tch increase.

The answer is in the truth. I say that knowing that when our lives are so invaded with this caregiving, in or out of the home, we know and those who care that we are just so aggrivated, tired and wish this loved one could just see how much we are giving, and giving/knowing that the reality they will not remember, and sadly get worse. Our job has to be at some point the advocate, not the child. I am not saying we do not stop visiting,doing or careing, yet we have to take care of our lives, health and if one has, which I do not families.

I love the word try,I realize how many times I have tried to get her invloved, help her to understand and hope she sees the light. The asnwer is she will not see how this hurts us, makes us cry and fear for thier well being. If, and say if we have done all we can do, from the outside, in your case,than it seems that just advocating is where you may need to be. I know you are saying " easy for you to say" yet, is not easy for me to say.

I have been doing this for 7 years,and given a lot of my life up to do so, I am near the point that I will hava to move into a memory care facility. I have been asked, when do I think this will happen, as I was asked the other day I just started to cry and say, when I am ready to give her to other's, and care for her from the outside walls. I am just not ready to let her go. Yet, when I do, I shall watch over her, and advocate.

This does not mean I will be happy, and I know she will not be happy at that point, I shall cry when I leave, and be tense when I arrive. I am human, and from what I gather so are you. I can say be strong,yet it sounds like you are trying your best.

Take Care, Jazmine!

My weekly visit. As you know, I didn't go on my regular day because I took some much needed time for myself and some friends. Today was full of tears and more woe is me. My mom literally cried almost the entire time I was there. She was even talking about the nursing home experience she had two years ago for rehabilitation getting her strength back. She started telling me of how mean a nurse was to her--this was the first I heard of it. Maybe the memories are just now coming through. It was rough listening to her, but the crying kind of got on my nerves. I guess because it is always woe is me, what about me, look at me. I tried to just listen, but I guess all I was hearing was complaining again.

She got on a subject today that I do not like to talk about...money. Shew. Wish I didn't have to deal with the money. She is so afraid I am spending it or that someone is cheating her. Her mom died a few months ago and she keeps wanting to know when the house and stuff will be sold so she can get her part. I see it as selfish, but I do understand her worry about needing it to continue to live at the AL. I always, I mean all my life, had to walk around certain subjects with her. Now, it is about MONEY! I loathe the thought of it. I have shared with her what I spend--for her, and she always gets confused and the next time we talk about it, she comes up with a totally different amount or something. I have shown bank statements and that always causes her to be upset--so I stopped. Yes, it goes fast and she just doesn't understand. She also thinks back to when her money would draw 10% now interest rates are ridiculous, but she doesn't realize it is not the same. Therefore she thinks I am not being smart with her money. JEEZ! I wish I had someone to just hand it to and be done.

Besides all that, I was still able to leave when I wanted and didn't worry about what she thought or the words coming out of her mouth as I left. She also started about me not taking her home with me. I told her she could come and visit, but she would have to come back to the AL. She didn't like it one bit. I would have NEVER said that before, but like I stated, I am learning. In a way, I am afraid to bring her to my home, I am afraid it would be hard to get her back. My mom used to come visit and we would cookout and she would spend the day here prior to her getting sick. It has been since February 2012 since she was here. That was the last time she drove and the last time she looked like herself. The last three years we have known something was wrong, but the last two, showed us what it was.

I know she wishes things were different and so do I, but it is what it is now. The here and now is what we have to go on. Not yesterday, not last year and not tomorrow, but right now. Tomorrow is a new day if it is granted to us. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!!!

Looloo this is a good step in the right direction. I was just about to ask about your mom's car. I am glad you had the courage to go through with it. I know she will be so worried about it, but not as worried as you are when she is out in it. Yes, her safety is all you need to be worrying about right now. It is NOT our job to make them happy, We canNOT change the situation they are in. That is where the guilt comes in too.

I can't tell you how many times I have dreaded holidays, birthdays, or any type of get together with my mom. It was always drama with her too. This past year she forgot my birthday, my son's, and my daughter's. She didn't even bring it up and neither did I. I was so happy. I have still brought up her birthday but I am hoping soon I won't have to. The only thing is where my mom is now in AL, they will probably do something for her as they have the other residents. That is okay though, I will just join in and not be responsible once more.

I will tell you this has been a long time coming for me. As I left the assisted living today from my visit, the director told me she was proud of how I am handling things (I went to school with her and she knows about the situation). She stated she felt I was starting to realize more and more about how to handle things. She also told me some things I should say to my mom, but I am not quiet there yet.

Good luck to you and I will keep posting--it helps me tremendously and hopefully it will give you and many others the strength to move forward as well. Here's to a good life ahead!!

Jewltone, I am so inspired and encouraged by your post!!! Good for you!!!! Yay!! So glad you had a good day Sunday with friends and family.
We are on similar paths in many ways. Learning to establish boundaries, and claim a little more distance. Seeing clearly what the interactions with our mothers are all about. It's a real eye-opener for sure.
This weekend was an interesting time for me. More drama from my mother (over the phone on Friday afternoon), insisting we return her car to her. I didn't call her back. Any contact with her literally makes me sick to my stomach. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work. Her dementia aside, she's just toxic and bad news. So, I ignored her phone call, and decided to consider just not having any further contact unless/until I felt comfortable and confident that it was the right thing to do, in a practical way. If it was related to her safety, then ok. If I needed to contact her for some task that required it, then ok. Otherwise, NO contact.
Sooo...we sold her car on Saturday night. All proceeds will go into her account. Done deal. Thank goodness.
Her birthday is Wednesday, and I spent a good deal of thought on how to handle this as well. This year, 2014, is turning out to be a year of 'renouncing' a lot of things. And acknowledging birthdays will be one of those things. It was the first year my mother did not remember my birthday (in April), and it was not just a sign that she was declining further, but it was also liberating and a relief for me. Like one more string was being cut, and it actually felt good.
When my brother proved himself after that to be completely unreliable and only interested in the Bank of Mom, I decided not to pursue any contact w/him, to stop the Happy Birthday emails, and so on. There was no big blow up, because he's never around, and hardly never contacts me anyway. I just decided, no more.
And now, I will add my mother's birthday to the list. If she does happen to notice (odds are very slim), she will not remember later anyway.
And I am MUCH, MUCH better off, knowing that I'm doing the responsible thing for her, but keeping AWAY from her.

Here we are, another Sunday. Well, today, I did it different. I did NOT go to my mom's. I went to the movies with friends and then to dinner later that evening with our families. I had a great time! Now, before you wonder how did you do that? No worries, the guilt was still there. I had to talk to myself very often and remind myself it was my day and I needed to enjoy the time away. I did and tried very hard not to feel guilty. Especially because I lied to her about what I was doing today. That in itself made the guilt worse. Now, do you think if I told her I was going to the movies with friends, she would have been like.."oh good, glad your getting to do something fun". Umm NO! So once again I took the doctors advice, the truth doesn't matter. I called her Saturday and told her what I was doing--the truth and I told her I would see her Monday. She wanted to know what I was doing today. Well, here it came. a big fat lie. That is ok, it IS okay. I did have to tell myself several times, it is okay to do something for your self. I warned everyone in the house NOT to answer the phone if she called and that way no one had to explain or lie to her. Luckily she did NOT call. She whined and groaned, "what will I do?, this isn't going to work, what about my pills?..on and on the guilt kept coming. The manipulation rolled as usual. I did her pills on Monday this past week, so I know she had enough pills. She wasn't going to snowball me this time. If you just listen, I mean really listen to what they are saying, you will realize it is all manipulation. Guilt and manipulation is what they do best. It seems even thought they may lose so many abilities, they do NOT lose the two things that keep us reeled in. Yes, I am dreading tomorrow (Monday) but I will suck it up, do her hair, fix her pills, and yes, listen to her complain and belly ache about how horrible her life is. So many times I wish I had left her in the county where she lived and put her in assisted living there. I would not be so close and wouldn't feel guilty because I am just down the road. To those of you struggling with what to do, hang in there. It WILL come to you. Just don't let it go away. Be brave enough to take that next step.

I am so glad the posts here are helpful. They have helped me more than I can express. Getting through this difficult. I called to check on my mom tonight and she started her misery again.--even after I saw here eating with someone on Monday and laughing at that. When I am there she is miss grumpy and sour faced. When I told her I just got in from work, --sometimes I tell her I have been working so she doesnt question me...she said "well, it could be worse, you could be like me, nothing to do." I replied by saying, yes, either way is bad, mom. Then a minute later she said, same ole same ole here. I replied, yes, when we are working and raising a family it is same ole same ole, and when we are retired and nothing to do it is same ole same ole. No matter where we are in our lives, it is a repetition. She didn't say anything, it was that uncomfortable silence. I said, I will let you go, just wanted to call you a minute. She said with a mad voice, well, ok then. I hung up and thought, I am moving forward and not staying stuck in your misery. I am going to enjoy my night whether she does or not. I am like looloo, I am tired of being a cheerleader. I am NOT responsible for her happiness! There, I said it. I am NOT responsible for her happiness. I know she looks to me for that, but it is not my job to make her happy, it is my job to make sure she is well taken care of physically. I have, ALL my life, taken care of her emotional health even at the expense of mine and my family. When she wanted to do something that I didn't I did it anyway because I knew she would make me miserable if I didn't. I was miserable anyway, so I should have done what made ME happy. It is the time NOW to make myself and my family happy. Wow, listen to me. I sound like I know what I am doing. If I keep telling myself, and each one of YOU these things, maybe we will practice what we preach. Nite all!!

My mother says the same thing, "Am I going to have to live here for the rest of my life?" She lives in a very nice AL and there is no way she can live on her own either. She should feel lucky that she can live there. I mean everything is done for you: meals, laundry, medication administered, room cleaned etc. I know she. Is lonely because she wants to be with someone all the time. I spend a lot of time with her and take her to all her doctors appt. and shopping, out to eat etc. She will never know how bad I feel to see her this way ( living with dementia and getting worse all the time), walking around in a fog most of the time, and lacking the understanding of so many things. Today I asked her to sign a check and she wrote it on the long side of the check on the back instead of on the line. Everyday something will happen that I would never expect that she wouldn't know. We all need to be so thankful for our healthy minds and bodies while we can because someday this could be us. I pray this doesn't happen to me or my husband not only for us but also for our two children. I hope they won't have to take care of us like that because it is so draining, and emotionally exhausting. I don't ever want to be a burden to them.

Hi Friends--I am also worn out from my mother's negativity, but I think at least part of it is depression. She has suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I think her depression has led to my having pretty steady anxiety. I have always felt that it was up to me to make her happy, and now that she is older it seems worse, but it was bad before. My dad often turned to me to help her emotionally--I don't know how he did it, really. I am constantly trying to balance my job as a principal, being a wife, hoping to see my children and grandchildren who live far away, etc. I get so nervous when I leave my mother for even a brief vacation, even when I have people checking on her. I am reading all of these posts, and I think for the most part, everyone is trying very hard to do the right thing but still take care of themselves. I believe we must take care of ourselves, even with the guild-ridden feelings that come along for the ride. It. Is just so hard--every day. I am inspired by the posts I am reading and grateful for the opportunity to share. The posts have helped me realize that my mother is quite healthy overall, and I have been tending to her emotional, not-so-much physical, needs, and for some reason that was not all that apparent to me before! All of your contributions are helping me to reflect and to try to see things from a variety of perspectives. I hope I can be helpful to some of you down the road. I hope we all take a step in caring for ourselves as we care for our parents. There has to be a balance--how to find it is the biggest challenge for me!

Jeweltone, I am worn down by my mother's negativity too. There are so many really good suggestions for helping those who WANT the help, who WANT to feel happier or healthier. But for those of us dealing with the perpetually miserable, the only solution I've found is to keep my distance, and when I have to deal with her, keep it SHORT. I mean, less than an hour, or even less than 30 minutes sometimes. And no more weekly phone calls -- I call maybe once every two weeks, and those calls are no more than 5-10 minutes tops. As she's getting worse, I've been lucky to be able to get a little more care for her (but not AL yet, she won't go). I thought that the natural progression of things would mean that I'd be more personally involved with her. I'm more involved in overseeing her day to day stuff and keeping in touch with the people who are involved with her. But I'm dealing face-to-face with her a little less, which is good, because she seems to be getting more and more negative. Completely unwilling to see any bright side of anything, and I am not good at being a constant cheerleader.

I do get the idea...My mom has been there for 4 months and she cries every time I go visit. She cries on the phone, "I hate it here", "Am I going to have to live here the rest of my life", on and on. Literally cries tears. It is heartbreaking to a point, but I realize it is best for her. She CANNOT live by herself. I know this very well, because we have tried it. When she tells me she wants to move back by herself, so many times I think, well, maybe she can because she is doing better--I have to remind myself she is doing better ONLY because of where she is. Convincing her of this will NEVER happen. I always cringe when I have to call or visit. I am weak when it comes to other's feelings and she knows this.

Jeweltone,
When Mom broke her hip she had to go to AL for a Month. She also told my husband and me that she hated it. We went to see her one night and caught her playing cards with a group and laughing. We did not even let her know that we were there. We went home happy. Next morning she called and asked where we were because she was so lonely. Staff tells us she only complains when we are there. Well, you get the idea. Good Night. Cheryl

Sandwich: That's funny!! What was interesting was yesterday she was out of medicine--(Well, I didn't pay close attention how close to out she was) so I called the doctor to get a refill. I waited and waited for it to get the the pharmacy. Again, spending the day for HER. At last, the pharmacy calls at 5:30 and the meds are ready. I had dinner on the stove but I wasn't waiting or wasting another day to go to her. I literally yelled for my daughter to come watch the dinner while I drove as fast as I could to the pharmacy and then to her apartment to take her pills to her and a blanket from her storage she had asked for. When I got there it was dinner time for her, you will NEVER guess where she was. NOT in her room (where she tells me she stays ALL the time), but upstairs eating with another lady. Oh yes she was!! --even in her pajamas, she REFUSES to get her clothes on-that is another BIG change with my mom. I think it is great she was out, but to her she explained herself over and over to me why she was there.--(I had cabin fever and needed to get out of the room) SOOO what! I am glad you are out. She got caught socializing when she tells me she is miserable.. Now, that my friend, was PERFECT timing! I found out through one of the staff that the reason she wanted the blanket was because she sits out on the porch with some other ladies in the evening and it gets cool and the other lady brings a blanket. Ha Ha! I got in the car and thought to myself--She IS okay! I have enjoyed today so much not worrying about how guilty she makes me feel. She tried to get me to stay yesterday and I just told her I had dinner on the stove and needed to go. Yay me. I am getting through the same way, day by day. Tomorrow? Who know? but today I am enjoying the moment. I teach and school starts back soon..smh :-( but it gives me an excuse. I am at work, sorry.

I like the roadrunner and coyote... and you are so right, it doesn't bother her, because she wasn't sitting around waiting for me to come with medicine, she was out enjoying herself. I am hoping to start doing the same (even though she thinks I do it already)

Jeweltone - don't worry about repeating yourself with mom's distractions. She's not worried about it. :-D If she says something, just react like "Oh - I didn't notice" and move on down the road. This is not for a grade, this is not an audition. You aren't on a TV reality show competing for a golden walker. (Wouldn't it be interesting to have a Big Brother: ALZ Edition on tv or is it just me?)

Whatever you do is successful if it gets you out of a visit without being traumatized. It's a learn as you go process and some techniques will work and then they won't. You just do what you can and call it good enough!

There's no bonus points or awards for perfect caregiving anyway. There's no caregiver Olympics because every day caregiving is like running a marathon. What happened yesterday doesn't matter today and neither does tomorrow!

When mom was in a wheel chair, when she would start in on me, I would just randomly change whatever direction I was pushing her in. I'd suddenly turn around and go the other way in the hall (not sharply, to give her whiplash, just suddenly). This would be enough to derail the negative ranting. Or "hey - what's over here? I haven't been over here before..." I mean this is not like trained PhD level stuff here. It's desperation from one moment to the next, but sometimes it's successful. You will surprise yourself with what you can come up with once you let go of expectations for yourself and your mom.

Maybe that's how I get through it. I have no expectations for anybody during a visit. It's one moment at a time. Sometimes there's talking. Sometimes there's crabbing and complaining. Sometimes there's awkward silence. Whatever. When it's time to go, I go. If I get through it without either one of us needing to be sprayed down with cold water and a valium dart to the haunches, then that's fine with me.

Some days you're the Road Runner. Some days you're the Coyote. :-D