Update on mom in assisted living. I had a hard time convincing my mom to go to assisted living. She was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and she couldn't stay alone anymore. I work, have a family she kept wanting them to leave. In March, she went to assisted living. I go twice a week and at first called her every night. I now only call three times a week because she is so negative I cannot take it anymore. When I go to do her hair, she constantly complains. She complains how I do her hair, about the place, about the people, about everything. She keeps asking me "could you live here?" Actually yes. It is brand new, wonderful people and great food. I worn out with the negativity. I have explained to her about her complaints, but she says I am "fussing" at her. Not true, just need some peace. Is it normal for a dementia patient be so negative? I do not want to go visit or call her. It would be so easy to just stop. I am an only child and feel obligated to help her. I feel so much better knowing she is safe and well cared for. She will not bathe or change her pajamas. She doesn't want to get her clothes on. She just wants to complain. She tells me she doesn't eat there, but they tell me different. Her memory isn;t so much the issue, it is her personality change, her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all. When she truly believes something..well, she will say.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me." I want to walk away and enjoy my life without her in it, but I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. Is all this normal?
YES, You can do it!!! No excuses. Self pity for a few minutes or an hour might be ok for venting. Come here to vent. We'll all cheer ya on. Then cut it off and be determined to control your emotions, dear yogi. God made you a free person.
I don't know why we have this darned karma but we still can rise above it.
Prayers for your recovery of your higher Self.
I think it is great to have this virtual support group. I am grateful for it and all those who have responded to me. I do love my mother but her negativity and her level of neediness are difficult to manage for me. Someone else might do a much better job of not dwelling on things, but I do, and I have this awful anxiety. I have a wonderful husband and a good life, but this weighs on me morning, noon, and night--all the time. I think I am the one who needs to change, but it is so hard!
Went there today because I had made an appt for the other lady to do her hair. I went because my mom asked me to being the first time she let her do her hair. She even complained to the lady about how she didn't like the AL place. Uggh! I just sit there and rolled my eyes to the girl doing her hair. After getting her hair done, we go back to her room and my mom said, "she looks like a witch". Oh my gosh!! I said, "that's not nice", "why would you say something like that?" She said, "you don't think I am nice anyway." No, she is so right, I think she is nasty, mean, hateful and very ungrateful. I did like you have told me, I changed the subject. I said, "would you like me to do your nails?" she said ok. We did her nails and went to the patio. Each time she would complain or say something I didn't like, I changed the subject. I am afraid I am going to run out of subjects. hahaha! :0. I stayed about two hours and she told me I didn't ever stay long that I always had something else to do. I agreed with her for once and didn't make excuses. I just told her when you have kids and a job, it is the way it is. I was proud I just went with it.
I wish I didn't have POA and someone else did. I don't like being in charge of all this. I went to the bank last month with the notion I was going to move some money and I chickened out. I just couldn't do it. My worries are that she will want a statement then she will prove to herself I am cheating her. --even though I am not, she thinks I am. I just couldn't do it. I know it is what I need to do though. The government, the AL, and the nursing home are going to get everything if I don't act quick.
That check is hard to write out every month, that's for sure, but I appreciate what she's getting for it and that I get to keep my job, family, and home life. I will say that I wish more of what we pay went directly to staff vs. administration!
If you get physical temper-tantrum like responses, then you have to start being creative. It's not devious, it's creative. Safety is prime directive number 1. When a person loses their reasoning, they are no longer safe.
This is when you schedule a neuro-psych evaluation, and do what you have to do, to get mom/dad there. Bribe, lie, cajole. Say they have to go in to get government benefits. Or to get medical proof they are OK, so everybody will leave them alone! "Yes mom, I know you're totally fine. We need the doctor to sign a paper saying that and he has to do some tests first. This will really put the whole thing to rest for good! Then we'll stop & get a treat at the bakery."
This takes guts, grit, and more determination than anybody ever expects. It's tougher than tough. So many parts of this feel wrong, backwards, and upside down. This is a modern phenomenon because people didn't live this long in the past, and when they got sick, it was something that took them pretty fast.
Hang tough. Do research on this site. Ask questions. Come vent.
Getting packed, finishing up work, gassing up the car, for the trip to take away my mother's car. Husband is going down with me, and he'll drive her car back home (to our house, 3 hours away).
After talking to my mother's neighbor earlier this week, she told me that she had driven my mother to the DMV, and it was a 3 hour process. She told ME, that they told HER, that they couldn't revoke my mother's license then and there because my mother had scheduled a hearing, which was scheduled for today. I spent the week wondering if she'd actually attend the hearing.
Today, I spoke to the neighbor again, and she told me that she was able to cancel the hearing while they were at the DMV!! AND, that my mother's license IS NOW revoked permanently. I think, as she was telling me all the drama, she simply didn't stay on track and give me the resolution of the story. But I will try to see if the DMV will confirm this with me on the phone. I think that this neighbor is probably telling me these details now, 3 days later, because she's calmer. She tends to get very wound up, and I spend a lot of energy trying to calm her down, and not get distracted. Important details tend to get left out of conversations.
So, if this is true, then this IS good news.
The only 'bad news': my mother is either becoming more confused, OR she's really beginning to lie to me. Big, boldfaced lies. I spoke to her very briefly this morning, just to let her know I'd be 'stopping by' tomorrow, and asked her how her week was (wondering what she'd tell me, of course). She said that her car was giving her trouble (Really???), so she took it in for service (Did you now??), and it seems ok now (Well, that's GOOD!).
Here I go again -- trying not to be pulled into the story, trying not to spend too much time sleuthing for proof that she actually did take it in for service (she didn't -- no checks written, no credit cards used), and trying to tell myself that it makes no difference whether she's lying deliberately or believing her stories, or whatever. It makes no difference.
An awful lot of today's seniors in care wouldn't plan ahead, didn't plan ahead, and are 100% certain to outlive their funds. Somehow, "somebody else" is supposed to pick up the tab. What choice is there? This is actually a huge problem for communities because there aren't as many people in the population groups now paying taxes to support the medical assistance need. The burden has fallen to us younger ones, and there's fewer coming behind us who are yet to become tax payers. Every first world country is dealing with this problem.
Once you get through enough of the 12 stages of grief about the money, you can work on getting the paperwork together for medical assistance/Medicaid. This must be done well in advance of the day of need. In the US, application processing can take weeks or months. I'm lucky that mom's nursing home has a Medicare coordinator on staff to help me out with all this. And they can go "medicaid pending" for some period of time between end of funds and approval of medicaid.
Yes, it would be nice to have something to show for all the effort at the end, but my attitude is that mo money = mo problems. I remember going through estate probate when dad died in 86. It was a paperwork hurricane, so many fees to this clerk and that clerk, so much time spent doing the estate probate forms. He had a will and everything was in order ahead of time, but it will still a giant pain in the haunches.
I'm kind of relieved to know that once we spend all the money this year on her care that I won't ever have to worry about settling an estate or going to probate or any of that jazz. My reward will be freedom and the ability to stop doing her taxes, her bills, jousting the paperwork monster involved with being old in the US. I might not be able to put that in the bank or pay for a cruise with it, but getting my time and attention back will be priceless.
I don't know if this helps anybody or not.
Speaking of the hair thing...I made an appointment for the lady at the AL salon to do her hair tomorrow. When I called to tell her, she got quiet and then said, "oh lord, will you come?" I told her I would if they would call me when she is ready to do her hair. If I can go tomorrow (Friday), I will NOT have to go over the weekend. YES!!! I can stay home one weekend. Cheers to me...
Sandwich, your moment, when you saw what kind of approach might work, was a creative moment. And it worked! I had my own creative moment yesterday in the car, rehearsing and strategizing about how to handle my upcoming "take away the car" day on Saturday. I'm thinking it could work more smoothly than my original plan, but there's no guarantee of course. Anyway, that sudden flash where I knew I came up with a better idea, with better odds of being successful, made me happy, and I actually did stop feeling 'sneaky' and so annoyed at the lengths I have to go to in order to keep her and other safe. I felt kind of 'creative' instead :).
Sorry if this is rambly! It's early yet.
Jeweltone, I hope only the best for you as you go into the battle. You might have to find your inner Machiavelli.
I had the best luck getting my foot in the door with my mom when she'd call me late at night, scared of the phantoms at her window. She was sundowning and having hallucinations of men looking in the window, walking around on her property with red glowing eyes, smoking at the window, driving around the house in trucks. None of that was really happening. My uncle would come over from next door, and there was nobody there, no tire tracks, no cigarette butts, nothing.
I jumped on it, and asked her if she'd like to be somewhere safe, where the men couldn't get to her. She said yes. I started taking notes on all the things she was unhappy about, and used those examples of why to make a change. If trying to get traction by attracting her to a new place wasn't going to work (the carrot), then I switched to the stick and had much better luck. I got lucky by stumbling on that approach!
I tried calling her a bit ago (havent talked to her since Sunday)--today is Wedensday. She did not answer. Praise the Lord. I was glad and guess what? I will NOT call her back tonight. before, I would have called back until I got her. Not anymore. Before, I knew she could have fell, or something be wrong. Now, I know there are people there to check on her and they will let me know if something is wrong. Well, it is not or they would have called me. Yippee. If she sees where I called, she may call me back. But hardly doubtful.
My other goal is to STOP thinking about it everyday when I am not with her.
This chic is on a mission.
==I can see that you're upset. I'll come back another time to finish our meeting/discussion when you aren't so upset.
==Let's not make this discussion personal. If there is something concrete and work related that you expect that I can write down, I'm happy to do my best, but I don't have to sit here and be ambushed with personal criticism.