Is it normal she's so negative?

Good Monday morning to you. Took major steps to talk and reconcile with my sisters yesterday. I must admit, it felt really good. My parents are elated that we have come together that doesn't mean we don't have other issues, but it's a start! Have a great day! God bless

So...not too bad. Called first to see if she needed anything. Don't know if you recall the "nasty" candy I took her and she told me to take home..she wanted more of it today. I got the candy, her medication at the pharmacy and went for the visit. I did her hair and she actually asked to sit on the covered porch. Had a nice visit--other than she wouldn't hush. She talked non-stop today. It beats her hatefulness, but it was pretty annoying. She admitted today that she sits on the porch with the other ladies--now the truth comes out. I want to say "it really is ok to be happy for once". I just didn't want to get anything started. She also admitted today she is having a hard time remembering things. She told me she can remember way back but is having a hard time remembering what happened earlier or the day before. I then, for a short moment, did feel sorry for her. I agreed with her about the dementia and told her it was ok and I know it must be frustrating. Then very quickly she changed the subject. I stayed around two hours and when I told her I needed to go home, she actually thanked me for doing her hair and told me to be careful going home. Well, now, what do I think of that? I hope it can last. Now, the complaining was still there about somethings but today was tolerable.

emjo: It is difficult when our days are scheduled around "them" even when we aren't really doing for "them". My mind is consumed day after day. I do feel some freedom now she is in AL. It has only been 4 months since my mom's move and I am hoping I can get less and less discouraged through each day. I hope my mind gets less and less consumed with what needs to be done for her.

juddhabuddaboo: You are welcome, I hope when I write it helps others understand they are not alone because coming to this site, so many others have given so much encouragement. It helps me to write it all down (even if it all doesn't make sense) it helps me and if it helps someone else in the process, then I am even happier. I am so glad your day went as planned or maybe better than you expected. Now, you can enjoy the evening in some sort of peace and face tomorrow without looking back.

Good night friends.

Thanks for your entries. So it's Sunday. My beloved temple has moved too far away to attend like I used to. I crave time to relax, to commune with God either in a meditation group, alone in my apt, or alone in nature. Conflict: What about Mom? She's cooped up in her nice apt on a beautiful day. First tactic: wait until it's so late in the morning that she already took her short walk by herself. I start getting my late breakfast, the shower, take my time. Now wondering what to say to her.
Feeling torn between just doing whatever I want and feeling like I could take her somewhere today. I need quality time alone and exercise. She talks non-stop and is so annoying, insulting, or such a brain drainer. If I hope for a fun time, a quality conversation, of course I am disappointed. Doesn't happen anymore. Ok. Time to call her. It's 10:30.

Tactic 1 worked. She already took a short walk, doesn't feel good but wants something to do later.
Tactic 2: Fine. The freedom bell is ringing. "I'll pick you up at 1:30 and we can go to the dollar store and places like that." success! She ilked that idea and I could go for a short hike!

I discovered a new short hiking trail, had my quiet time with God and a few of his insect friends, got home, made a big salad and then took my happy mother to a new thrift store. She was delighted at the surprise. We took our time, had a lot of fun. She was happy looking on her own while I wandered on my own. I kept checking back with her which she appreciated. We ate out at a buffet place on the way home an had a really wonderful day!

jewel - I sympathise. I am travelling once again to mother's city to do what has to be done - in this case to meet with the psychiatrist and social worker, I don't want to go - I REALLY don't want to go. I am tired of planning so much of my life around my mother's needs. I won't even see her as she doesn't want to see any of us, which is a plus, but it still means a trip down, more nights in a hotel, taking with people who don't seem to take in what I am telling them. She isn't going to settle down, she will continue to make crises, they may as well ship her out of hospital to whatever facility she is next going to as this is life as usual with mother. Re clothing -they want me to buy her more washable outfits She isn't wearing the outfits I have already bought her. Christmas decorations - last time I sent her a floral arrangement for Christmas she b*tched about it so I haven't sent anything more. They don't want to be happy - they want to b*tch. I don't want to be around it.

It is Sunday once again. Today is the day I go do my lovely duty with my mom. I get so anxious and sitting here wishing I didn't have to go. I know what you are thinking--you don't have to. Well, you are so right but my conscience tells me I do. The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day and it is getting ready to become cloudy with a chance of angry granny and debbie downer. Just needed to write it down. I am hoping for a quick hair do and zippity do dah out of there.

Looloo: I am with you. My mom throws so many pity parties I can't keep up with them. It is so funny you say "it is the way she asks". I can't tell you how familiar that is to me. It IS just the way my mom asks things that I know what is next..poor me, look at me, what about me. Monday on my visit she started talking about shopping-about how she used to go every Saturday and shop and how she can't get out anymore, blah blah. She looked at me and asked "where do you buy your clothes"' I told her I don't really shop much ( I actually try to wear the same thing when I go see her because she gets out of whack if she thinks I have on something new). Then the conversation gets into, "well, at least you can get out", at least you aren't caged up like an animal. Really?!? you are NOT caged. I have asked her many times to go to local stores and she says the same things "they don't have anything here in this ole town"--(it is a small town compared to where she lived, there was a mall and many strip malls)--my town is quaint and has a few maybe 3 stores. Or she will say, I can't walk anymore --yes she can. Here is something else that drives me crazy: She will try to make me look bad by saying, "I asked the other ladies where they get their clothes and they tell me their daughters bring them to them." First of all, I DON"T believe it, I believe the ladies already had these clothes when they moved in and one lady goes out on her own and shops still. Second of all, I have shopped for my mom MANY times over these past 3 years as she lost weight and couldn't wear her own clothes. She may have kept 3 things total from all that time. She NEVER liked anything I brought her, only the pajamas and robes. Never the clothes. I told her I wasn't shopping for her anymore because she didn't like what I bought and she said they didn't fit that was all. How she doesn't remember... My mind is boggled too. My mom won't get a tree anymore either. I put up some Christmas stuff 2 years ago for her and boy did she get mad. I had to take them down. I don't understand why they CHOOSE to be so miserable.

I don't tell my mother that stuff at all anymore -- not that we go anywhere too far, for too long, too often, lol! I can't stand her pity party anymore. I even lied last Christmas and told her we weren't getting a tree, because I could tell by the way she asked, that it was all about how SHE DIDN'T HAVE a tree, so if we did have one, then we should abandon our happiness and be miserable for her. She hasn't had a tree since we were kids. She's selfish on so many levels, it boggles my mind.

Great advice sandwich42!! I have gotten away with staying the night or two somewhere and didn't tell her. I also thought of telling her I had to go away for a training for my job and I might take my family with me. Oh who cares, I need a vacation! Ha! My mom doesn't expect me to take her (well, she doesn't say that) but she doesn't want us to go because she can't. --make sense? clear as mud?

Enjoy your music fest in your hot beer tent...you will have a blast!

PS - I'm taking my own advice and going away for a music fest weekend with my husband. I am not even telling mom. She doesn't need to know. There is literally nothing that will happen that would require me to stop vacationing to take care of it, short of her actually dying. Anything she needs is handled by the care center. I am free and I am going to enjoy my weekend dadgummit.

Jeweltone - GO ON VACATION. Do something really decadent and fun.
Trust me. And allow yourself to BE on vacation when you get there.
Happiness is the best revenge. Happiness is a really healthy break from the normal guilt/stress/anxiety of all this. You'll get used to this feeling and will stop allowing other things to take away from it on regular days.

My mom did/does the big guilt-trip when we travel as a family without her. When she lived in another state, it was hilariously outrageous that she would expect us to go down there and get her first. We're 1800 miles away! Now that she is here, she expects to go along on everything - especially if it's a trip that would make no sense to bring an incontinent dementia patient along with us. Like hiking around Lake Superior. Or sitting in a hot beer tent for a weekend for a music fest. The answer is just a big fat unapologetic NO.

You take care of yourself and your family. Stop depriving everybody else because your mom might get her nose out of joint over it. You are all adults, so you get to make the calls these days. She can just lump it.

I mentioned to mom once that I do not recall any of our family vacations where we brought her parents along. Ever. We didn't ever go out to eat with them. Ever. So why does she expect to be the third child in our family?

Make those plans and don't look back.

Absolutely we can limit our exposure to the madness. I do have to go back on Thursday because the hairdresser is coming to trim my mom's hair. Two times in one week is too much. My mom is too much. I want to go on vacation with my family and I am having nightmares about what she will say when I tell her I will be gone for a week..here is what will be going on in her mind (well, now with no filter, out loud) "thought you were broke" "didn't know you could afford to go to the beach", "I haven't been anywhere in years", "that's what kids do, they leave their family and go on vacation". "leave me stuck here in this place". On and on. So, it is almost easier not to go. I went and stayed the weekend away with my husband for our anniversary, big mistake to tell her. For a month or longer I had to hear how I went away and shacked up with my man for a weekend. She made me feel so dirty...Haha. My family hasn't been on vacation for 4 years. The first year we didn't go due to my son tearing his ACL and having surgery, then the last 3 years have been taking care of her. It will be a WELL DESERVED vacation, but once again here comes the guilt.

My mom being 68 always makes comments about the other ladies and gentlemen that live in the AL. She will ask me, "have you ever talked to an 85 or 90 year old woman?, they don't know what you are saying...Really, mom? Some of those 80 and 90 year old people know more than she does at 68. She tells me over and over it is like a nursing home. Hardly!! It is a nice place (building) but her mind is an awful place to be.

My mom also complained about where she lived, moved, and complained again over & over. I noticed on the third move that her complaints were the same each time - verbatim. Now after her 4th move, the complaints have appeared again. Mom's have the bonus component of tinfoil-hat paranoia. She always says "Everybody's leaving xyz!" Everybody was leaving the neighborhood in the city. Everybody was leaving the country town. The doctor's office. The pharmacy. The eye doctor. Then it was her new apartment near me. She had not been there a week and it started. "I heard the staff talking in the hall. Everybody's leaving here like ants in a hill". Now it's in her care center ward - everybody's leaving. Oof. If one person moves off the ward, everybody's leaving. If she sees an ambulance, everybody's dying and she's next. (What are the odds you'd see an ambulance at a senior residence and nursing home?) If shifts change, everybody's leaving. It starts to wear on me, so I have to ignore it. I mark it up to her OCD, her dementia, and her chronic embitterment. It will never change, but I can limit my exposure to it.

Vjohnson I can totally sympathize with you. I also bought that same book shortly after she was diagnosed. It was helpful to me too since I didn't have much knowledge of the disease either. That is good that she was formerly diagnosed so you can explain why she is so forgetful etc. And she will qualify for more services with this diagnosis. Unfortunately there is no cure for dementia and progresses slowly over time. It's really hard to see my mother go down hill and when she doesn't understand something I know it is not her fault but still baffles me and stresses me out. I pray for patience everyday!

I have a lot of guilt too if my mother isn't happy. It seems like whatever I do for her isn't enough which makes me feel really bad. I have a family too except my kids are a little older 18 and 15. It must be really hard to do all that extra caregiving when you have little ones at home. One thing I am going to start doing is keep a daily diary to help vent my frustrations and stress. My husband gets really tired of me telling him every little thing that happened when visiting my mother. Keeping a diary too may help to not take my anger out on my family. We'll see :)

Capitalgirl: I am glad this is helping you understand things a little better. Being here has really helped me in so many ways. I feel I am growing back into the person I used to be for my family...maybe even better. The guilt, oh the guilt. Wish it didn't exist. Unfortunately, when we have a conscience then we feel guilt. Guilt that we can't fix it, guilt that we want our life back, guilt that we just feel like we do.(all those nasty feelings). It is OKAY. It really is.

I went to see my mom today, well, debbie downer showed up. The visit from last Sunday was great after I said my spill, then today she wasn't hateful to me, but it was my fault she was there (assisted living). She went on and on as she was crying..."you brought me here", "I begged you not to bring me here (no she didn't)", "you told me I couldn't stay home anymore"--(that I did, not alone anyway), so much cannot put it all here. I really became frustrated, but didn't let it show. I asked her not to blame me. She did say something relatively smart though--she stated there was something wrong with her brain and she don't know what happened to her. I try not use the term dementia (she has frontal lobe), I just agree and tell her I am sorry this has happened. She cried and the negativity started all over again today. Complained about everything. She started complaining that some of the girls (workers) that used to come in her room don't come by very much anymore, well debbie downer, can you blame them? She is always woe is me, poor me, look at me, what about me, what if you were me....WHAT ABOUT YOU!!!! Sorry, I really want to scream that at her.

Looloo: No you will never make her happy. I am seeing that with my mom. She does look for me to do that, but it can't happen. I have tried literally everything. She says the same things no matter where she is. Long story short, my mom sold her home of 18 years--started complaining of the neighbors, getting paranoid, HAD to get out of there__this was pre-diagnosis, post retirement. I didn't have a clue where we were headed. She found a house in another county on a golf course--did I say golf course? yes, my mom hated golf..Ha ha. She bought a brand new townhouse on a well manicured golf course must I say a beautiful place. TWO WEEKS after move in, my mom complained about the neighbors, was paranoid no one liked her, oh, I think I heard an echo. The same exact thing as before. She put it up for sale and 6 months later, I moved her back to the county she just came from --she even tried to buy her old house back. oh yes, she did. He wouldn't sell it to her. She bought a newly built home and moved in. ONE week after move in: I hate it here, I got to get out of here, the neighbors are crazy, the movers stole my jewelry, this place is awful, the air/heat wont work (well, you get the idea). She stopped showering, wouldn't eat, and stopped driving. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I called her sister and told her I think I know what is wrong. DEMENTIA: I called a clinic that is renowned for this type of illness. It took 5 months to get in. in the meantime she was calling 911 in the middle of the night to get her out, several things. Luckily we got in and they put her in the hospital, then rehab and I moved her to her mother's home close to me for one year of hell.--you guessed it, get me out of here, I hate it here, the dogs bark all the time, the neighbors constantly mow the yard, on and on. Then now she is in assisted living and hating it once again--Pete and Repeat!!! This all sounds so fast, but it has been a long, long journey that is never ending. I try to remind her of everything, but she denies so much of it..well, maybe she really doesn't remember.

Now my mom lives in assisted living with two storage buildings full of furniture that came from a 2800 sq. foot, well manicured home. This is all just stuff, but she is struggling with what is wrong, so depressed, and so sad. Sad it is, but this is her new life. I hope for her sake, she doesn't have to suffer for a long time. My wish for her would be she could truly forget things and maybe she would forget how miserable she is. With frontal lobe she may never forget because like MaineMom stated, it affects reasoning skills, personality, decision making, senses, planning and short term memory.

We are all in the same boat and let's keep paddling together and the shore shouldn't be that far away.

Mainemom my mother was finally diagnosed as your mother was. Her old doctor had her convinced that it was just old age (she was like 72) and did nothing about it, then when he finally did he gave her a prescription and said here you go it may work for you. So what did my mother hear? She said the doctor said this medicine won't work anyway so I won't pay for it. She is now 76 and I just now got her properly diagnosed and on meds. It was the guy with the Alzheimer's Association that helped me the most. He is the one that told me what type of dementia she has and that she has lost the ability to reason and make decisions. And here we were trying to explain what was happening .....! I have appointments every week with the Alz. Assn. they really focus on caregivers and give lots of advise. I learned a lot about it from a book called The 36 Hour day by Mace and Rabins. It covered most of the questions I had, even about legal stuff. This is all new to me and I feel so alone. Of course since I am the one living here and making everything happen (taking car away, getting diagnosed..etc) she is blaming me for everything. I don't really care about that but I do have a sister that keeps her distance if at all possible. I too get depressed and I have to make myself get out of it. Today she is threatening to check herself into a nursing home (oh if only that were true) she screams and yells at me and then goes over to the neighbors house (that has been stealing her blind for the past 3 years) and she fills her head with more bull. Ugh I'm needing a Calgon moment!

Maybe 90% of the difficulty I have w/my mother is due to her negativity. I dread phone calls and visits. I care long distance (150 miles away, I work full time), and our relationship was never close. I've had to increase my involvement in her care, but I make sure the phone calls are as brief as possible, and when I do 'visit' it doesn't involve much socializing. I schedule them around errands that need to be done, appointments, etc. She's unpleasant, critical, unappreciative, manipulative, and uncooperative. And she refuses to accept, or even acknowledge, her limitations. So EVERYONE in her life eventually gets handed the role of being the 'bad guy,' who has to tell her NO, you CAN'T DO this or that. And then, we become the enemy to her. I can only do so much to keep her relatively safe. And there's nothing I can do to make her happy.

This whole thread has been very helpful to read as it is tough being the only one for them. My mom is almost 84 and has always been difficult to deal with and seems to always complain of something. She suffers from arthritis and also from early dementia. She was living in her own home in NC until just recently. My sister (who died suddenly not to long ago at the age of 60 at the end of November) was retired and took on the role of main long distant care-giver for my mom who did really well up until lately in her own home with home health agency coming in once daily to help with medication reminders, cleaning, shopping, errands. After my sister died, our world shattered and I stepped up to the plate as her caregiver (really had no choice)...took over monitoring home health care, her bills, doctor appointments (scheduled them when we were visiting as we live 350 miles away). I'm 46 too but have two small boys (ages 4 and 6). About a month or so ago...mom came down with a bad UTI...was hospitalized - while in hospital found out she also had septis...treated all of that...right before she was to be discharged..came down with pneumonia and had to stay in hospital another week...after all of that...we decided it was best for her to come up here...she is now in rehab close by us...and is slowly progressing (its been two weeks now)...still not walking by herself yet with walker. We plan that after rehab, we have found a nice assisted living place - that she is actually been to while on a visit here to our area as my co-workers mom is living there and she really liked the place. When we were visiting it..she asked them if they had any space...I should of moved her in then at that moment! Sorry for the long vent...just wanted to tell how we got here....but I have always felt this intense guilt and fear since being her caregiver...that I had to make sure she was ok...and it was like if she was having a good day then I would feel good and happy and if she wasn't... i would find myself getting upset, worried, anxious and depressed. It seems when I come to visit her at rehab...she always complains how she doesn't feel good...then during the meal (which I eat with her at the dining room) she picks at her food and won't eat much. Now when my husband, stops by to visit she doesn't complain to him, feels good usually and eats much better. Why is that? So lately, what I've done..is backed off on visits and have him visit more often...of course I feel terribly guilty but also realize I have a responsibility to my boys to be their mother and enjoy their lives. I do bring the boys to visit her but she isn't too interested in them and at times has picked on my 6-year-old and has said some nasty things to him in the past. Just wanted to say you are doing a great job..I hope I can be stronger one day...as this whole experience has really affected me and I seem to have so much guilt, anxiety, etc...and I have started seeing a therapist a few months ago which has seemed to help a lot.

Patilee, my mother has dementia and is only 73 and has had it since she was 67. Dementia isn't normal aging it is a disease in the brain in which the brain shrinks or atrophy of the brain. My mother was diagnosed with fronto-temporal dementia which is in the front part of the brain that controls reasoning, planning, making decisions, problem solving, short term memory, and other executive functions. It is not a generational difference among people it is a real brain dysfunction. I think a lot of people confuse dementia and Alzheimer's with normal aging sometimes, but if they were around them they would definitely see a difference.

So very many people come to this site with the same "angry granny" problem, it can't just be chance. I think it would make a very interesting public health and social science study.

My mom was doing her Godzilla over Tokyo impression all day yesterday. I got several calls about it from the care center. At one point, I talked to her for a bit in hopes it would help (yeah, right!)

She was so worked up, swearing, calling me every obscene name under the sun, blaming me for her life, that I thought she might just give herself a stroke. She should have given me up when I was born, she should have sent me away like everybody told her to, she should have left me for the buzzards, etc. Objective- me knows these are her own insecurities & fears she is projecting and it has nothing to do with me at all. Or maybe these were things she heard as a child.

The one detail I could focus on was her huffing and puffing into the phone. She had herself so worked up she was out of breath! Just like the wolf that blew the pigs' houses down. It was really loud. And just made the whole thing comical.

I let her run out of steam and then talked to the nurse. I think he was blown away with the demon that came out of my mother. Meh, I'm used to it. She's been this way my whole life. And it the typical meds don't work on her anymore. I suggested calling the doctor and getting a sedative for her simply to keep her BP down. Or not. Whatever.

Even though I can objectify these really awful abusive episodes better than I could in the past, there is still a PTSD factor there. I cry. I feel depressed. But I try not to allow myself to stay there. Objective-me is on the shore trying to pull the sad-me out of the water. Happiness is the best revenge after all. Happiness is not easy though. It takes purposeful work to stay out of the sea of despair. My mom is a walking after-school-special on what happens to a person who lives in the sea of despair their whole lives.

These are all $1,000,000 questions. Actually, my mom is just 68. This started (looking back) when she was about 61 or 62. I do agree this could be for the most part, their personality and the other part is dementia (or some mental illness) that has just come about. I am trying not to nurture anymore, it has been very difficult. I feel like I am just "feeding the beast", so I am learning to pull back and do what I need to do. I am hoping one day I can just look at it as an older lady who needs help instead of me looking at her as my mom. If I can break the emotional connection, things would be so much better. Good luck

I can't believe how similar our mothers are...the $10,000 question though is, Is it only their generation of 80-95 yr olds or do you think it is honestly part of dementia? Remember they got rid of "us" when we were 18 for the most part. They have had themselves as number 1 thought for a long time. Many of "us" are still nurturing along our "adult" children.

AmyGrace: I have thought the same thing..if she doesn't take her medicine, I will take it for her so one of us can get some peace. Ha! Thank you for listening. It is so hard to go and hear the same questions: Could you live here? What do you like about here? They have lied about how wonderful this place is. The food is gourmet and I don't like it. You think this place is wonderful because you don't live here. On and on. I called her today (since she called yesterday to make sure I was coming by) and she told me she didn't feel like it. I did the happy dance and went about working on our weekend project. I am learning the hard way to enjoy the moments I don't have to go and praise God for giving me the day off.

You have my sympathy as I know exactly what you are going through, we are going through the same with our mother. Yes, she says the same thing to every visitor "could you live here". And yes, we could. The apartment is nice, the food is good, its a lovely place, the people are wonderful. But she will never be happy so we stop trying to please her. Age has robbed our mothers of their independence, so they are unhappy and they want to make sure their children know it - every day. There is no arguing with someone with dementia, they don't listen (or remember, so you can have the same discussion 5 times in a day, and the next day and the next!) They lie about everything, they don't bathe, they don't bother to use the appliances because they know we will do it. They complain because they have lost their independence, but what independence is left to them, they squander by sitting around thinking of ways to feel unhappy. Sometimes I have to take a tranquilizer before I visit Mom. Try it - it helps!

After enjoying friends last night, my husband and I decided we needed to get started on some projects around the house that have been neglected over the past 3 years. As we were planning where to start, I received a phone call--you will NEVER guess who was on the other end...YES, you guessed it, my mother. I know, I was as shocked as you are. She hasn't called me since March (when she went to assisted living). She was wondering if I was coming by today or tomorrow. she stated she hadn't heard from me (I called her on Thursday). I told her of our plan to do some projects and I could come to do her hair tomorrow but I couldn't stay long. I do believe people, that my little spill to her last week has stuck--(at least for now). I would imagine she is getting a little nervous that I may not come back. Have a good weekend.

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July free of frustrations and stress from care giving. I had a great time with some friends I haven't been able to spend much time with. It really was nice to be worry free for a few hours. Hopefully more to come.

As you know I have written about all the fuss with my mom's hair. My hairdresser told me today she could go do my mom's hair next week..Yay! She will wash it, trim it, and fix it. So...today I called my mom to tell her that she was coming one day next week--(I know the day, but don't want to get her worked up just yet). My mom said, "ok, bye" and then hung up. I literally laughed out loud when I hung up. All that fuss and that's it, mom? ok, bye? Ha Ha. That was my laugh today, and thank goodness she didn't make me cry one more time. Good night all.

Thank you again. Yes, my kids do help out, but it just isn't the same. They do the dishes, do some laundry, etc. But there are things I like done, that they just don't see. I am working diligently now at home to try to make it look nice again. I used to decorate and friends and family would always comment and want me to help them with their house. Now, I am embarrassed for them to come in...ha! I did plant my flowers this year and they look so good. I have missed that. My salvation is watering them each night. I have the outside looking back to normal, well, almost.. and working inside next. I did cook a good dinner tonight and cleaned up. Felt so good I must say. It is the little things.

I prayed many nights to get her in the AL. Now that she is there, I do feel guilty, but not as guilty as I was feeling when I would go to her home and never wanted to go back and knowing I HAD to go. I still feel like I have to go, but not like I did when I stayed with her all last summer. My family suffered dearly and trying to fix it now has been rough.

Viohnson: Please know that you can do this!!! Honestly, my mom has been so overbearing ALL of my life and to stand up to her was a big no no. I would have never done it before and the stress it has caused me over the years, yes, damages us! It damages all the other relationships we are in whether it be marriage, kids, friends, etc. I used to go out with friends or we would have friends over, not in a year. A year, wow, that is a long time. You must find a way to find a place for her. It will be better for her and most of all YOU. She is running you from your home and that is not good. I thought of something my mom said on Sunday after she calmed down. We were talking and she said, "my mom always told me that young people don't like old people, and now I see she is right". Well, maybe people (young or old) don't like people who are mean, nasty, complaining, self-absorb and hateful.--that is what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her to stop playing the role. That is exactly what my mom does, she plays the part of an "old" hag. I feel you when you say you could leave and never look back. I feel that way everyday. It would not hurt my feelings one bit, if I never had to see her again. I realize this stems from way back and not just now, but after 46 years of hell, I am ready for some peace. Now, she really don't have a filter. She really tells me what she thinks and I don't care what she thinks anymore.

Everyone has been so encouraging and helpful here, just listen to the advice and know you are not alone in this. We deserve so much more than the havoc they cause in our lives. Knowing she is safe is so important. We are supposed to get storms tonight and I do not have to worry if her electric is going out or will she be scared. I know she is in a safe place with someone to look out for her. Do I feel bad that she wants it to be me and it's not? Sure, but only if she were a nice lady with dementia. :-)

I do not have anyone else to take the heat so it's just time I stand up for me. Hopefully, one day soon, we can all thank our lucky stars we made it through. I also pray I do not put my kids through what my mom has put me through.

Good luck to all. Until next time, good night!!

By the way, I don't have kids and am married. I finally told my hubby he was going to have to support me through this. Once he heard me and how stressed I was, he got it! He brings home dinner when I can't squeeze it in. Helps clean house, etc. Maybe a family meeting and giving people "jobs" they can do. Otherwise you will jeapordize your marriage, kid's relationships and go crazy

Jeweltone, I'm glad you told her how you felt. That is a great step forward. I see you had a bad day, but just remember everyday won't be like that good one. Just continue to stand your ground as needed. Yes, your mom will always have to stay there. She is taken care of and safe. End of story! As far as your home and meals, I totally understand. You will need to sit down and make out a realistic schedule so you can get your home and life back in order. I don't know how old your kids are, but they can pitch in too. Cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. do not be a martyr. Decide how often you can realistically fit a visit in to your mom and don't sacrifice your own home and family...they should be first. Mom is ok. Seeing her so often you neglect your home and family does not make you a "good daughter", remove guilt, or care for your peace of mind.